THE NEXT GOVERNMENT.

BARISAN RAKYAT SHALL FORM THE NEXT GOVERNMENT!

SOS

SOS
nation in distress

The World Anthem


WE ARE ALL OF 1 RACE, THE HUMAN RACE.


21/05/2007

'MASA AIRLINES REVAMP FINAL, FINAL, DEFINITELY LAST TIME ONE' SAYS CHAIRMAN

By Earheart Lindhberg, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for Aviation Affairs

In the wake of Q1 losses of $ 250 million and further forseeable losses of $1 billion, KorpoRat Kepten Moonira Nor Ali Bacha (popularly known as Jag), Non-executive Jedi Chairperson of Mana Ada System Airlines (MASA),speaking from corporate HQ in MU Stadium, Manchester, had this to say to Earheart Lindhberg of donplaypuks®.

EL Well Jag, how’s the going?

MOON Very tough!! Well, you know, when the going gets tough, the tough disap.., er no, get going. So, I got going to Manchester. United are 10 points behind the Blues, but with a game in hand. Ladbrokes is already paying out on the Blues to win the league. Fortunately, I had, with Sir Alex’s advice, hedged my bets, and so will come out ok.

EL Er, Jag, I mean about MASA.

MOON Well, why didn’t you say so for God’s sake, you berk!! Of course, that’s where the whole problem started. We didn’t have Sir Alex on MASA’s Board of Directors. Otherwise, we could have understood how this hedging worked, and squared our exposure to fuel price hikes, the sole and only cause of our huge losses. If anyone says it is due to overstaffing, old fogeys gaji buta on the Board, poor management & marketing etc., I will not hesitate to have them arrested under the OSIBISA (Official Secrets, Intelligence, Banking and Internal Security Act)

EL Surely, your Board should have been aware of the situation much earlier from the monthly Management accounts and reports? Early warning systems?

MOON Although Moh Nomore, ex-MASA MD and his committee had said in 2003 that that revamp was the best ever and final one, we regret to announce that it is not so. We will have to withdraw that entry from the Genius Book of Records. The `Old Guard’ committee forgot to hedge against aviation fuel price rise, which slight oversight has resulted in massive losses. You know that old saying ‘a camel is a horse invented by a committee’.

Anyway, a totally independent internal investigation reveals that for sure no one is to be blamed, and the sudden resignation and departure of MASA’s CEO yesterday has no bearing on the issue. Any politicization of the issue will result in a RM 100 billion law suit by MASA and arrests under the OSIBISA.

EL But, we were told that the previous CEO was a HavOxBridge triple degree graduate who was capable of wonders. What happened there? Anyway, weren’t you part of the ‘Old Guard’?

MOON He is still capable of doing wonders at his new CEO position at a GLC. He has wonderful knowledge of management and airlines business, now. We were thinking of sending him on a Phd course to the Karl Icahn Institute of Aviation in U.S.A. A little too much too late. Anyway, I was non-exec Chairman, the CEO is responsible for losses.

EL So Jag, what’s next?

MOON Firstly a committee under me will manage the corporate affairs for a while. The Board has moved with blinding speed, and successfully appointed Kapit Sawit, from the East, as the new CEO of MASA. Kapit who is reputed to be a turn-around specialist had risen to the highest echelons in MNC, Michelle Petrogas.

He is the nation’s answer and most logical choice to MASA turning in a decent profit. No doubt Kapit has zero knowledge of the aviation industry, but this should not be held against him. I, as non-exec Chairman will assist him forev.., er, no, for a while, till we have turned the corner.

Together with my new Jaguar, er, no, I mean new CEO, we will soar ever upwards and pilot MASA to new heights in profitability, go boldly where no woman has gone before, to infinity and beyond, and further and …..a woman’s reach should grasp a man’s excess, or else what’s a heaven for?

EL What about the rumours that Founding partner, CEO and Chief Baggage Handler of low cost carrier, Certified Helluva Experience Aero Planes (CHEAP) airlines, Antonio Bassanio Fredo Manfredo (popularly as Freddy Laker), has been asked to take over MASA, with him as its Managing Director.

MOON No rumour to the truth at all. It’s not the right time for CHEAP to take over MASA. Besides the Bum…, er no, the people as a whole are genuinely not ready yet for a Kottai Indian to run MASA. Yes, we are all equal, and we strictly adhere to the Premier’s policy of meritocracy. But some are more equal and meritocraceous than others.

We are also planning for the nation to be a regional hub for aviation, given our expertise in loss.., er, no, lots of flying around. So, no room for CHEAP stunts. By the way do you know the difference between a circus artiste juggling 6 balls and Marilyn Monroe? No? The first is a cunning stunt….’

Anyway, I need to go now to the washoom, must be that roti jala I had this morning, doesn’t seem to agree with me at all. You know, my mother always said, ‘Moonira yang, stick to roti chanai and dalcha for breakfast and you won’t go wrong.’ Should have remembered that!!

STOP PRESS

New MASA CEO, Kapit Sawit, who admits his favourite food is, yes, it’s true, roti jala, and who hails from a small village of over-achievers from the East said Monday, `There is no rumour to the truth that I am a Christian, and that pressure had been exerted on all national and regional newspapers to voluntarily blank out this politically insignificant fact. Please do not politicize political issues, even if they are of a political nature – this is the true national way,’ he pleaded.

STOP STOP PRESS

CHEAP airlines CEO Freddy Laker said Monday from Bali that he was happy where he was with CHEAP, and could wait till MASA’s net worth collapsed to $ 1, and pick up the whole company for a song `Fly Me To The Moon For $ 2 ’. Except I need to consult MASA’s previous owners to find out how to buy MASA for 200% financing, and then sell it back for $ 10 per share, when the market price is $ 5, and make a killing. This, believe me, is true genius and entrepreneurialship!!

Freddy also dismissed as the work of luddites, communists and Zionist, complaints published in on-line newspaper,
malaysiasoros@.con of frequent delays and cancellations of CHEAP flights. ’Our track record speaks for itself, just ask those thousands lying around on the floor of our airport waiting lounges.’

donplaypuks® with me ma'am!!*****************************************************************************************************************

BANGING ON YOU, VALUED CUSTOMER!

By Mamak Rashid Chua Husnain Nor Ali Bacha , donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for Bank Affairs

Most Valued Customers Bank Berhad Group MD, Allan Bananacake-Havers Greenscam, recently held a ‘top-level Executive Directors only’ meeting to chart a new direction for the banking group. Sources close to the top-management, on conditions of anonymity, reported verbatim the meeting that took place, to donplaypuks®. QUOTE:

Well gentlemen, I am looking at the Group’s performance report for the last quarter, ‘hot off the press’ as it were. To put it bluntly, we have slipped into the negative profits zone, for the second consecutive quarter. This is the first time in three years that this has occurred. Technically, the bank is in recession. This is very alarming news indeed.

Not only that. The results for the last three years, taken as a whole, are very, very disturbing indeed. Two standard deviations about the Bell normal curve, indicate a 95% probability that we are
trending towards long-term decelerating growth on a downward accelerating parabola as compared to the previously up-surging y-axis infinity non-converging revenue and profits lines. Regression Analysis confirms a strong correlation between growth in negative profits and oil prices, wages and inflation. Von Neumann-Forbes Nash game theory simulations confirm that beautiful minds alone cannot retrieve the situation.

What would your uptake be on that, Amirshams, as COO & Chief Financial Officer?

Kawanku, it’s obvious. Lay-offs, overheads & cost cutting measures, the usual economies, are in order. There is ferocious, tigrish competition out there. So, increase bank and ATM charges for the masses, most valued customers, then get our doctors to spin ‘googlies’ and ‘chinaman’ that ‘this is really in your, and your children’s and children’s children’s, interest, or like that booming bang resc…,er no, restructured with NatPetroGAs money, we may bank left and sink downwards.’

‘Interesting. Let the Nielsen public poll findings come in. What do you think about layoffs, Showmemoreofdamoney Nava?

‘At Human Resources & Buruh, down-sizing is always a first option, in situations such as these. Clear the deadwood and zombies. Voluntary Divorce Schemes (VDS) are very popular these days. Have to take care with the unions around, though.’

Maybe. Any suggestions from you, Hong Bao Piow, Head of Corporate Affairs?

‘Go public with the results and findings, transparency is the best policy. Be completely open with fund managers and analysts.Acquire new banks in HK, to expand to PRC eventually. Increase dividend payout.’

‘Good, I like that. Al-Rashid, for Credit & Risk Management?’

‘Increase bad debts provision and don’t bother trying to collect old debts, just write-off. Clear the deck with one-time charge, for this year, and announce it over a 10-course dinner for ‘leading’ analysts and foreign fund managers, at Shan-gorilla Hotel. They will then be pacified, and happy; then we’ll see about another one-time charge for next year, and the one beyond…. Get fresh cash injection from Khazanah / EPF/SOCSO, the usual whipping boys. Last option –
Danaharta. Harun from Baghdad, Hussein of Jordan, and the Kok Group, may be interested in the 30% stake vacated by friendly parties from the East.’

‘Food for thought there, thought the SC may have some objections vis-à-vis subjudice re on-going court cases. But we can’t lean on canes from Danaharta, not an option for me. Anyway, Azman, what about Merchant Banking?’

‘The Arabs may be interested mah, tengtra tengtra tengtra tengtra treng,thom thom!! Can talk to them over camel burgers and smokes of peppermint-flavoured hookah; perhaps send El Lawrence, our best negotiator in Jeddah and Aqaba, over to sound them out? Also, more ads on Redioconfusion to improve our out-of-date stodgy image. Motivate staff – have more karaoke sessions, sing-a-longs.

‘Worth exploring, I think. Get your man over to Dubai, pronto. Nazir, Mergers & Acquisitions, your thoughts on a white knight if we need one?

‘South South Bank & Credit Cards may be itching. GLC of S’pore is cash rich. Can we forge an Alliance with GLC? What are your immediate thoughts on that Bridgette Teong Hean, as Legal Head?’

‘Have to get central bank appro to make a frontal assault. If the straight approach doesn’t work, then we should make a paradigm shift and take a somewhat curved approach, through a third link. A cynical view, perhaps, but we have to bridge the gap, whatever the scenario. GLC S’pore won’t be a push-over.’

‘But will we get the compensation we desire? Talk to the Jedi Master Planner of The Realm. Anything promising on Car Loans HP & Leasing, Albert?’

‘We can engineer a hostile takeover of EON Credit & Leasing. Captive market. Our in-house wiras and satrias, who are THE car loans experts, can turn it around. Must meditate in the Lotus position for the inspiration to come up with the right strategy.’

‘Who knows.This may be the next engine of growth for us. Work on it. Retail Banking, Current & Deposit Account, Ms Evonne Quek nee Quik Chek?’

‘Introduce service charge for current account balances below $3,000. No statements / books for savings a/c. Reduce counter-staff – only two counters to be opened between 9-12 and 2-4; lunchtime – only 1 counter. Increase ATM machines and chip-based ATM cards - $ 20 each. Out-source cheque & statements printing. This should free up lemmings for the VDS. Standard $15 for all non-standard customer inquiries. Should generate $25 million a year, at least. But need to subject simulation models to rigorous sensitivity analysis. Step up personal Premier banking.’

Well, you’ve really put on the thinking cap. Any suggestions from Credit Cards, Piyush?

‘Yes, we should have a separate office in the City for this. Introduce Loyalty Program, with the world’s first chip-based IAEA Uranium Card, aimed at Corporate High-Flyers, politicians, high-net worth individuals. Platinum cards have lost their lustre with being given free to students in USA. I’ll come up with a full branding proposal if you give me the green light.’

‘Excellent. Steve Gates, what does IT figure?

‘Job’s for the experts. Doesn’t require the Delphic Oracle to compute. No Soft options. We have to look for a total solution from the Micro to the Macro level. Immediately engage world-class WarrenBerksHalfwaythereAndersonnomoreSaps Consulting, to carry out a feasibility study. RAM through internet banking and we should get there in mega bits and bytes, if not in gigabytes. We have strong intel from binary, inside sources at the IRS, that new tax incentives are on the way, for banks to go high-tech and re-organise – new round of mergers and consolidation vis-à-vis WTO 2008 deadline. Success will be a hard drive.Gosh, I’m hungry; time for an apple.

‘Go go, Steve. Man’s Job, but watch out for GIGO,and KISS.’

‘Well, Insurance can make a quantum leap with prudential policies, despite competition from our great, eastern neighbours. We are endowed with great expertise.There will be tremendous opportunities in life-time warranty underwriting policies. We can also branch into Home Loans, Study Loans and other financial services, go glocal.’

‘On the ball as usual. Thank you Sir Levy Hans Solow Green!

Oh, and SK, what about contributions from Stock-broking?’

‘Well, we are very much dependent on global events and sentiments these days. The KL Casino Exchange is erratic, but the First Board should, in my opinion, without prejudice, cross 1,300 by year end. This is indicated by the intersection of the triple-witching ‘T’ O-1-O front and back cleavage lines extensions with the up-trending 3-day contra-average of the saw-tooth index oscillations and the 36-24-36 Eva Longoria curves, in accordance with the Wave-Elliot Theory predictions. Then it will be boom town Charlie, all the way to 1300! After that, the next line of resistance will contango and joget in the narrow band between 1,300 and 1350, when desperate housewives, fish-mongers and taxi drivers will try to jump in, at which point, trading will be speculative but surge to 1375, re-trace - temporary correction - its way back and be range-bound between 1350 -1375. We should not short-sell the Second Board and Mesdaq.They will mirror the First, with concentration on second-liners and speculative penny stocks. I see some raising of iris’ and eyebrows, here and there?

Of course, we must take cognizance of contrarian views. Blooperburger Agency may have a differing opinion.If by some miracle, our scientific forecasts do not come to pass, then any of, a flip of a 10 sen coin, throw of darts or the
DowGonemoneymancyTofuSifuFengshuiVaastuPenangAngsanaTree Scientifically Most Ever-Rise Index, will be the next best option, for directions, er..I think, er.. without prejudice, E & EO, caveat emptor. My stock-hogwarts-fact sheets are not solicitations to anyone to invest. I am not responsible for any losses whatsoever, that you may incur. Yah.’

Based on that analysis, I wouldn’t go out and place the order for my Ferrari just now.

But there, I think you all understand the seriousness of the problem confronting us. Let’s mull over the points made at the discussions today. Come prepared for detailed discussions, with more options and solutions, 9 a.m. tomorrow. Thank you.

Meeting adjourned.

donplaypuks® with me man!!
*************************************************************************************

14/05/2007

BOTHAMSWINGSBOTHWAYS

EX-R2D2DPHITSFMAM & 5AM JEDI MASTER SUES EX-CHIEF JEDI MASTER PLANNER OF THE REALM FOR RM 100 BILLION

By Mamak Geoffrey 50 Dhal Roti Chanai Nor Ali Bacha, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for Legal and Gay Affairs

Mamak Annuar Bothamswingsways Nor Ali Bacha, Former R2D2DPHITSFMAM & 5AM ex-Jedi Master Planner of The Realm popularly called ‘Bothamswingsbothways’ Tuesday filed a defamation suit against ex-Chief Jedi Master Planner of The Realm, Rama Maha Firaun Darthvader Jedi 1, affectionately as Pak Che Tak Bajet or Tak Bajet for short, for RM 100 billion.

Speaking from Washington, where he is lechering as a Voice of Moderation in Religion and Global Politics, Bothamswingsbothways said,`I am really pissed off that Tak Bajet still casts aspersion in public on my alleged (expunged) inclinations. The nation's highest court has cleared me of all charges. Now I have no choice but to sue that old goat. I am not interested in money, but justice must not only be seen to be done, but must be actually done. What his agenda is I do not know, but he seems to stirring up a lot of tahi (shit) after retirement, going after that rAPidfire Jedi Master Planner of The Realm for Mitigation & Motors, and car company ENIGMA or ElectronNuetronIntraGormenMotorAgency. This will all back-fire on him, especially so as it has its roots in the 20 years of Tak Bajet’s tenure as the nation’s numero uno samurai.’

Tak Bajet, speaking from on top of his favourite horse `My Way’ at a local Keora Orange Equestrian Club said 'Bothamswingsbothways is entitled to exercise his rights under the law, and so am I. I believe he has strange (expunged) desires. At least one judge said that in that infamous verdict, so I am entitled to my opinion. But there is more evidence which I will reveal in due course. Actually, no need poof to know he is a (expunged). But even during the earlier trials there were many accurate reports in the thothally independent New StateThime, of Bothamswingsbothways' (expunged) tendencies :-

1. Jaafrust Ali Liwat, his class teacher at the famous MC Hammer College who said 'Bothamswingsbothways had even then, in his early years, exhibited suspicious (expunged) behaviour. For example, he never used to go near the girls, but would only hang around everywhere with the boys, including, but not limited to, the showers, after football and rugby (Hang on, wasn’t MCHC a Full Boarding Boys’ School? Yes, but that is a minor point)

There were other symptoms. He was heard saying 'bugger-off' on a number of occasions to the prefects. He would not play singles in Badminton, Ping Pong or Tennis, and always wanted to play in the back-row in rugby scrums, refused to volunteer to act in the class play, 'Romeo & Juliet' but then entered his own farce called 'Tuah and The Four Male Musketeers' for the Malay Society. In his senior graduating year, he played the part of Brick in the school play `Cat on A Hot Tin Roof’, you know, that famous play on peculiar (expunged) tendencies by Tennessee Williams.’

2. Retired former Chief Secretary to MoF Inc Ltd, Latok Wan Moh Dollah , now chairman of listed concern United Cars, Bikes, Motorbikes, Trucks, Lorries & Tow-Trucks and All Public Transport (drawing a monthly salary of RM 100,000 with Car, Mercedes C Class, Chauffer, Personal Secretary, Financial Assistant and 6-months guaranteed bonus per annum, as part of a moderate package) revealed to me,

‘I had accompanied Bothamswingsbothways on numerous official overseas trips to London, Paris and Washington. On these trips Bothamswingsbothways, as soon as meetings were over, would disappear alone without leaving word as to his whereabouts, and return to his hotel room at 5 a.m, humming that popular peculiar (expunged) tendencies song `Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover’ by those two famous Zionist konspirasi-Jewish singers, Simone & Garfunkleburger. This was especially so in Washington, where Bothamswingbothways now lechers in a University.

Tak Bajet, on the other hand, would start work at 5 a.m. and go on working till 5a.m. the next morning, and exhaust and kill us all, but he was very open, challenging, and full of fun, and we never had time to go out and enjoy the nightc…, no I mean, the nice culture of the countries. Bothamswingsbothways' conduct was always suspicious, what you would expect from a (expunged), but apparently a very jayful one at that.’

3. Former Lower R2D2DMFM for Higher Rural Agro, Tension & Farmers’ Huts, Latok Anwar No Dollah, now under investigation by the Also Corrup Association for alleged fraud of RM 100 million, said that 'Bothamswingsbothways, as a Jedi Master Planner of The Realm, was a very suspicious character. He would poke his nose and other parts where he had no authority and ask all kinds of suspicious questions. Once, I accidentally heard him say he was energized by that song `Wake Me Up B4 U Go-Go’ by George Michael, that famous ‘Wham’ singer with peculiar (expunged) urges.’

4. His adopted brother, Susila Soekarno Suharto, 35 and single, was always seen in the company of men only at his Mens’ Barber Shop in Kampong Pondan Dalam.

5. Retired Judge Jackup Air, speaking from his RM2 million bungalow in Subang Pasu Heights, said he had no regrets convicting Bothamswingsbothways of (expunged) his ex-driver, Azizah Ash Burn, now MD of menswear fashion company ‘The Feminine Touch’.

‘It was a no-holes barred legal battle. Bothamswingsbothways had engaged a barrage of the best legal brains money could buy. But you must realize that in our country, we have some of the best judges that money alone cannot buy.

I was moved to tears by the sincere oral submissions of Ash Burn. Even though mid-way during the trial Ash was convicted of committing (expunged) in another court, this did not, in my sincerest and considered opinion, affect Ash’s higher moral ground stance or credibility.

Furthermore, the fact that the apartment where the allegedly sordid acts took place was actually not built until several months after Ash first said the (expunged) took place (an alibi offered by the defence), or that the Jedi Polis Raja then fixed the vague date of the (expunged) act only after confiscating Bothamswingsbothways' personal diaries, or that at first Ash had claimed the (expunged) acts took place 5 years before the date in the charge sheet, in several leading 5-star hotels, none of which he could remember or name - these were all very minor discrepancies.
The body of evidence undert…, no I mean tabled in court, taken as a hole, shifted the balance of probabilities in favour of Ash, and against Bothamswingsbothways. The principle of Res ipsa loquitur (the thing speaks for itself) was never more applicable than in this case. Surely, there is no smoke without fire in which instance, you do not need to see the perpertrator with hand on someone else’s gun.’

donplaypuks® with me man!!

INSURAN

ONE FINE AFTERNOON AT THE MOTORCAR CLAIMS DEPT OF AMERICAN & EASTERN CO-OP INSURANCE CO.

2.15 p.m.

Good afternoon, Mr. Chrysler Benz Chan Abdullah, I’m here about my accident claim, I spoke to you on the phone day before yesterday. Is the cheque ready, your policy says all claims will be paid within 48 hours.

Ah yes, normally.

What do you mean, normally? Your agent who also made me sign up for a Personal Accident (PA) Policy for me, my wife and 3 children in 2001, said there would be no problem on claims, to just call him if I ever had a problem.

Did you call him?

Yes, but he didn’t answer his handphone, so I had to get everything done myself, and here I am. So, where’s the cheque?

Wellllll, terms and conditions apply, you know. Didn’t you read the small print?

Well, I didn’t read all the 2,500 clauses, just a few, or else I would have gone blind with the print-size - you’d need an electron microscope, I think. Anyway, your agent said not to worry if I had a claim, there would be no problem.

Well, the Adjuster hasn’t agreed on the figure yet, and there is the question of the minimum. Also, you used a non-panel motor repairs workshop, so, heck, we have to ask our panel inspector to assess the quality of parts and repair work, if you want to renew the policy.

Forget about renewal. That can wait. It’s a simple claim, I was rear-ended, the other party has admitted liability and the police have given their report in favor of my claim. What’s there to dispute?

Weelll , I think you’d better speak to our Adjuster over a cup of teh tarik, then all the problems will be solved within 24 hours. There are Excess and Exclusion clauses, you know. Gee whiz, lots of little, little things that can trip you up. Caveat Emptor, Habeaus Corpus, Locus Standi, Locus Sitti, Locust Stingeye etc etc– nasty creatures you know these latin terms, bite your ass if you don’t watch.

Oh, I see, it’s that old ‘adjuster back-hander’ routine is it? Anyway, I know that one, Locust Stingeye, it’s in the Bible.

Good for you, but there’s also nisi decree, sub judice, loco parentis, Rylands-Fletcher etc etc

Whoa, good god, wait a minute, now you got me really worried. I missed out something important didn’t I? I should have listened to my wife – she’d asked me to consult a lawyer or insurance consultant when I took the policy, but I trusted my agent, seemed such a nice guy!!

Chryst, so, what should I do now, Benz Chan?

Well, I’ll have a tea-chat with the Adjuster, while you fill up these forms for $1 million each for Health & Hospitalization Policies. Can’t be too careful when you have dependents.

Bu, but……. wasn’t there a Central Bank warning to insurance companies about loading people with all kinds of policies, especially when the insured is making a claim?

Welllllllllll, theres’ Res Ipsa Loquitor, Corpus Delicti, Inflagrante Delicto, Doctorine of Privity of Contract, Carpe Diem, etc etc. you know. Geez, you don’t want to be caught flat-footed, do you?

Ok, ok, where do I sign, just make sure the goddam claim is paid tomorrow.

donplaypuks® with me man!!