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28/11/2008

SURGEON-GENERAL BANS YOGURT!!

by ski dannon, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for yogurt and milky way affairs

Master Sith Jedi Surgeon-General of The Realm, Everette Smiles American (ESM), in response to a complaint lodged several months ago by the Fat Watchers Association (FATWHA) of the Realm, issued a nationwide edict banning the sale and/or consumption of all natural, frozen and fruit-flavoured Yogurt and related products. The Yogurt ban also specifically referred to the Yogi Bear Brand with its Swastik #1 logo and its range of Yogurt products originating from the Himalaya Mountain region in India.

ESM while conceding that claims of illegal Melamine additives to Yogurt were baseless, confirmed that considerations for the ban on Yogurt extended beyond health and excessive fat content issues investigated jointly by the Department of Senior Surgeons (DOSS), the Department of Dairy Products and Lactic Acid and I Police Raja Special Branch.

ESM confirmed that the Special Branch had been tipped off by ‘parties with vested but altruistic interest’ about a ‘possible subtle international conspiracy’ by the Indian and Hindu Diaspora to subvert other religions by promoting the culture of consumption of Yogurt, universally. ESM revealed that Yogurt, prepared by adding an appropriate pinch of sour butter milk to boiled natural milk and allowing the mixture to curdle, was known to the Arya Hindus possibly, ten thousand year ago. The Arya Hindus embraced the God Shiva, whose vehicle was Nandhi, the white bull, and supplemented their totally Vegan diet with Yogurt, for fat.

Quoting ‘unnamed and regional expert’ sources whose identities could not be revealed due to Internal Security Act (ISA) and Official Secrets Act (OSA) considerations, ESM revealed that dark elements of pagan rituals, mysticism, breathing techniques and exercises were woven into the ancient formulae concocted by these Arya Hindus; that it is entirely possible that unsuspecting weak-willed innocents may be diverted from their one true faith by consuming these imported natural milk based and cultured products. 'Jais call us on toll-free number 1800-622-632-1400 if anyone has any doubts on what appropriate food is fit for consumption so as not to compromise one's religious faith' appealed Surgeon-General.

Meanwhile, Shiva Lingam, President of ‘Yogurts R Us Sangam, scoffed at the ‘Yogurt conspiracy theory’ and ban edict issued by EMS. Lingam, pleading for calm, sanity and common sense to prevail, requested that in future such edicts be not issued without prior consultation with all stake-holders.

However, Rocky Horrorshow, Editor-elect of the New State Parsley Sage RosemaryThighmes Newspaper accused Shiva Lingam and his Sangam of being 2nd class immigrants who had no right to interfere in the dietary, health, religious and political affairs of the Realm, and of questioning eternally unquestionable provisions in the Constitution and of being rabble-rousers.

“After all, when you banned beef consumption all those long nights ago when you made a tryst with density, did you consult the beef-eaters or show concern or consideration for their feelings and rights?” raged Rocky.

In a shocking broadside to ESM and his edict, Master Sith Jedi Planner of the Realm, Rip Van Winkle, announced today from house nos. 44- 66A, Mosman Bay, Perth, Australia that it was all right to consume Yogurt provided one did not swallow, inhale, move or breathe.

In yet another stinging rebuke to the Surgeon-General, two of the directors of the Board of Cultured 10 cm Rulers lamented that the Surgeon General was by law required to brief and seek the consent of the Board before announcing any edicts affecting cultured products.

The Board of 10 cm Rulers also expressed their regret that before Rama Maha Firaun 1 interfered in the 90’s with their duties and powers and unilaterally consented to the new-fangled Systeme International, they had complete immunity and unfettered powers as the Board of Cultured 12 Inch Rulers, which they would use sensibly to whack recalcitrants with. And that sometimes, so as not to put too fine a point on it, they would use golf clubs and hockey sticks to get their point across!!

donplaypuks® with my cultured products, man!!

#1 the Indian Swastik is the original. The Germans copied it and the reverse Swastika became the symbol of the Nazis!!