THE NEXT GOVERNMENT.

BARISAN RAKYAT SHALL FORM THE NEXT GOVERNMENT!

SOS

SOS
nation in distress

The World Anthem


WE ARE ALL OF 1 RACE, THE HUMAN RACE.


29/04/2009

RINGGIT, ringgit? RINGGIT, ringgit? RINGGIT, ringgit?

or how malayan frogs (katak) mate and hop


by david attentionboro hopalong cassidy, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for wild life on 1 discovery affairs










videoring-git!ring-git!ring-git! ting-a-ling! you can ring my bell!

And for today’s episode we shall forage deep into the heartland of the Malayan Peninsula where the yellow and orange striped tiger still roams in the tropical jungle, the leathery crocodile teems in the mosquito-infested and malaria ridden swamp, the rogue grey elephant lays waste to banana grove and the wild see-no-evil, hear-no-evil, do-no-evil monkey still runs the Peoples' Administration!

In this green lung of the world, wild boar is yet hunted in the rubber estates of Slim River and Tanjung Malim (malim - a Malay sea captain), forest areas the size of a football field disappear daily ravaged by the voracious Malayan Palm Oil Planter and national football teams fail against schoolboys' sides!

And here, (pant!pant!) deep in the Malayan Rainforest and from our vantage point high on top of the emerald and verdant Perak State Hills of grossly quarried and collapsed limestone caves, we shall peer through the penetrating lenses of our cameras.

And lo and behold what does my little eye spy in Jelapang District? Why it's none other than the UNUSUAL species of the amphibious Malayan Frog (katak) scientifically classified under the Linnaearse system as Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or commonly referred to as the Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog for its wily and cunning ways.

Let us study the lifestyle and habits of this Jelapang frog found close to the edge of the large paddy fields bordering the B-grade link road to Ipoh just after the infamous ‘death trapJelapang Toll Highway. Unusual, since frogs (and toads too as there is actually no real difference in their Biologies) generally tend to mate after the tiniest of downpours, by the hundreds and thousands, laying and fertilising externally millions of eggs in one go, and nowhere else in the world can one find an area infested with only the female of the species!

Many a lorry driver entering the B-Grade link road, woud soon be looking for a ‘quickie’ along the dilapidated row of old colonial houses now frequented and patronised by ladies of altruistic nightly leisure. He would, after satiating his beastly sordid appetite there, head for the paddy fields to fill up a sackload or two with these Jelapang female frogs for sale in the night markets of Ipoh, the capital city of Perak.

The female frogs would not put up a fight, their only sign of protest being a sad whispered sigh of ‘yfh, yfh! yfh, yfh!yfh, yfh!’ and flicking their long sticky tongues hither and thither.! This strange species has been known to migrate via mysterious channels to as far as Hong Kong and Taiwan to find suitable mates!

It is for these reasons that the Malayan Frog, Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog is more commonly referred to here as the ‘Jelapang Prostitute’ and ‘Confirmed Frustrated Old Maid.’

As we now train our sights on nearby picture-perfect Changkat Jering, we are reminded of Kashmir; such is the natural beauty of this ‘God’s own garden’ as to bring us to our knees and cause tears to well up in our eyes. And here, nestling among the sparkling homes of Retired Army Captains, Navy Admirals and Oarsmen, resides the most unusual of the Malayan Frog which carries $100,000 wads of bank notes in its pouch!

At any time of the year, not just during the mating season in rainy Oct-Dec, these tiny, short-cloaca’d (arsed) Changkat Jering frogs could be seen hopping about with gay abandon, rending the air around the watery fields and river banks with what might sound like, ‘Ringgit, ringgit? Ringgit, ringgit? Ringgit, ringgit?’ (Money, money? Money, money? Money, money?)

And like the nightly burst of fireflies in Kuala Selangor, out would emerge from the bushes these strange men in long, dark trenchcoats with sackloads of money on weighing scales in their hands and shouting back something like, ‘Lompat, lompat? Lompat, lompat? Lompat, lompat?’ (Jump, jump? Jump, jump? Jump, jump?).

And dabnabbit, if the CJ frogs did not respond with ‘Berapa Tinggi? Berapa Tinggi? Berapa Tinggi?’ (How High? How High? How High?).

And so these delightful oral and verbal exchanges in nature’s frontyard would result in an offer that could not be refused and would end in a marvellous cacophony of Beethovenesque celestial music. You have to be at the CJ Ensemble Assembly personally to hear, see and believe it!

It is for these reasons that the Malayan Frog Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog is more commonly referred to in Changkat Jering as ‘Katak Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark’.

And as we come to the end of our long, exhausting and arduous journey through the humidity and smelter furnace-like heat of the Silver State, we have time for just one more stop at Behrang by the Bernam River, home of the Malayan Frog which is not above flicking its sticky tongue into China frogs during the mating season, which is on any day that ends with a ‘Y.’

The Behrang Frog is a delectable over-performing randy little nipper bugger of mixed parentage whose sexual appetite can be aroused by the mere sight of splayed wet web or a shake of tympanic or nictitating membrane! Shall we then fault it for engaging (pant! pant!)in nights (and days too) of orgiastic debauchery when locked up against it’s will and religion with a bevy of the female of the amphibious species referred to in Butterworth and Georgetown in Penang as ‘China Dolls’? Or with socialist minded femme fatale ‘Ang Moh’ female Lara Zhivago frogs from Moscow and Vladivostok? Or with altruistic ‘We are Siamese, if you please; We are Siamese if you don't please; We are Siamese, to hell with Chinese!’ 3-way cane toads from Phatpong in Bangkok? Or.........

No! Never! Who shall cast the first stone, even if it is likely to strike only a Crocodile Leather Ecolack Briefcase filled to the brim with mere million dollar Bearer Bond Certificates?

The Malayan Frog, Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog is aptly labelled in Behrang by the Bernam River as ‘Casanova Bangali Kondai’ (Sick Casonova) for its staying power and astounding stamina!

And so, as the sun sets, raindrops begin to spatter, and here and there rainbows emblazon the skies with promised buried treasures. The eternal cycles of the seasons play out their cosmic dance as we take leave of the panaromic Malayan landscape where you can buy land for $3 psf today and sell it for $28 psf tomorrow, all guaranteed by the most assiduous of Simian Administrators who will then sponsor hopping frogs to study food and agricultural techniques in Taiwan and Hong Kong!

The concluding part to this mould-hopping series on the amphibious life found in the cranny and cracks of South East Asia will reveal the last of the unique variety of the Malayan Frog Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog known locally in Bota District by the Perak River as the ‘Katak Double Agent 007 1/2 OHMIQ’ or the ‘Frog that turned, got frognapped and went home with it’s tail between its cloaca (arse)’.

Do tune in next week to understand all the bald facts about this fascinating frog from Bota in Perak!

donplaypuks® with my michelin guide recommended ‘sautant cuisses de grenouille’ (jumping frogs legs), man!

22/04/2009

THY KINGDOM COME! or 'between my thighs!'

by lord denning, master of the rolls, jams, sandwiches and cookies, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for vice and legal affairs













The FIVE VICE MEN sat in stony silence in their Ivory Tower Plaza chamber pots.

“Well, bugger me! The Cuntstitution says that neither the validity of any proceedings in the Casino Royale Estate Management Assembly nor the conduct of any Toddy Speaker thereof can be questioned in any Court, for forever and a day! Dammit Sheriff Alladdjin, are they serious? We can’t even say it’s irrelevant and expunge the entire Casino Royale Estate Management Assembly and that Toddy Speaker?” lamented a shaken and stirred whisky-water St.Pee Saul.

“I think you have handled one too many sodo mee tainted noodles cases and need a break, St. Pee Saul. But it does look like our goose is cooked. We have to uphold The Cuntstitution. There’s no way out. We can't shoot the Cuntstitution bandicoot!” voiced a sad and forlorn looking Colt .45 toting Sheriff Alladdjin of the 40 Thieves.

“Well, could we not, so as not to put too fine a point on it, ignore The Cuntstitution? I mean it was drafted 50 years ago and they had no idea then that we are being threatened by Zionist and Satan Burning Bush conspirators. We should ditch The Cuntstitution bitch!” protested a visibly angry and upset Warden Zack the Hack.

“Yes, let’s suspend The Cuntsitution. We can say it’s faulty because it confers absolute immunity to Lord Shiva, the Casino Royale Estate Management Assembly Toddy Speaker. That’s not cricket, wot? We should wring the Cuntstitutionla string!” thundered Marionette Manniquin, The Hanging Judge.

“We might as well hang ourselves if we take that route. The Doctrine of Separation of Powers, that’s mean we can’t make the law. Besides, the Speaker does not have absolute powers or immunity. He can be disciplined or voted out by a majority of the MP's in a State Assembly session. Slam dunk, we are sunk and Ho, Ho, Ho!” opined the Honourable Nicholas Hashamed.

“In that case, first let’s call Casino Royale and give him the bad news!” announced Sheriff Alladdjin of the 40 Thieves.

“Don forget his son Poker Nazgul Royale. He’s poised to take over the Casino Royale Estate Integrated Resorts! ” reminded St.Pee Saul.

“Yes, but don ignore the daughter either, Vesper Lynd Roulette Royale of Roadmudabanditunitedengineers Plc who has the beauty, brains, money AND THE SHARES!” warned Warden Zack The Hack.

“But we can’t consult Casino Royale, surely? That would be sub-jaundiced would it not? If news leaked out, we will have yellow egg-yolk all over our faces! The New State Parsley Sage Rosemary Thighmes & Star-dusty newspapers would have a field day on our legal posteriors not to mention that interfering busy-body cock, Raja Petrel!” warned Marionette Manniquin, The Hanging Judge.

“Let’s pick his brains anyway. He might have a solution for us, ok?” ruled Sheriff Alladdjin of the 40 Thieves.

Peeponpeeponpeepon...012....

“Wei? Hurro, this is Ngah. Why you corr me? Is it Lord Shiv...Hurro, hurro? Ngeh, what’s happening mah. This Minimaximus handphone company ah, 1 day got 1,000 drop calls one. Can’t make manee the honest way, is it? Kanee....Mas be dat Jelapang prostitute trying hoax corrs on me again, is it? Chou ch....bai!”

“Wtf, wrong number. Let’s try again,” mumbled a red-faced St.Pee Saul.

Peeponpeeponpeepon...019....

“My name is Bond, Merdeka Casino Royale Bond. Who is this peasant who dares call me in the middle of a hookey game?”

“Bond, Merdeka Bond! Sorry, wrong number! Got Khazanah by mistake,” moaned a red-faced St.Pee Saul.

“You stupid fool! Been drinking cheap Soora on the job again? That is him, Casino Royale. Call him back and apologise quickly!” groaned Sheriff Alladdjin of the 40 Thieves.

Peeponpeeponpeepon...019....

“My name is Bond, Merdeka Casino Royale Bond. Who is this peasant who dares call me in the middle of a nookey game?”

“A thousand apologies, your Greatness. We have bad news for you. There’s no way out. We have checked and re-checked The Cuntstitution. We have to rule against the Merdeka Casino Royale Bond Estate and in favour of the Casino Royale Estate Management Toddy Speaker!” whispered St.Pee Saul.

“Listen Pee Brain. Let me put it to you this way. How would the merry band of the 5 of you like to pay a 20 year visit In Secluded Activity at Villa Kamunting? You get my drift?” shot back Merdeka Casino Royale Bond.

“Bbbb...bbut, was it not you who once said ‘under normal circumstances, it is taken for granted that the Merdeka Casino Royale Bond would not withhold his consent to a request for dissolution of ......Estate.. His role is purely formal.’ We cannot compromise the integrity of Justice and the doctrine of separation of powers, surely?” pleaded St.Pee Saul.

“Listen backdoorsman peckerhead, how would you like a bottle up where the sun don’t shine? Don’t quote me to my face!” screamed an extremely upset Merdeka Casino Royale Bond.

“Perhaps you could offer us some informal advice and assistance?” grovelled Sheriff Alladdjin of the 40 Thieves.

“I wonder if there is anything I might say that might persuade you Five Vice Men to consider recasting that sentence in question so as to transfer the emphasis from the specific instance to the abstract concept, without impairing the conceptual integrity of our subject matter? Hrrmph! Did you get that you faggot woodlice? This town ain’t big enough for US and that Casino Royale Estate Management Assembly Toddy Speaker . And get this straight, I ain’t the one who will be leaving!” roared a majestic Merdeka Casino Royale Bond.

“Gosh, yes! How stupid of me! I’ll call you back, Sir!” oozed Sheriff Alladdjin of the 40 Thieves.

“You got all that? Fuck me! I thought I understood Queens English!” mused a clearly amused St.Pee Saul . “I thought it was a bit shitty of Merdeka Casino Royale Bond, though.”

“Of course! You would know all about being anal retentive. Didn’t you get the message? When in doubt, WAFFLE!” explained Sheriff Alladdjin of the 40 Thieves.

And they all said loudly, “Of course. Stupid of me!” and slapped their foreheads and then each other’s foreheads and then knuckled the top of their skulls and each other's skulls. “Touch wood!” they chorused in perfect unison.

“Yes, of course. We won’t mention anything about The Cuntstitution. We’ll just say it’s illegal and against the rules of natural justice and pass the buck to the Government of Maha Rosemajib. Case closed. Nuff said!” pronounced Sheriff Alladdjin of the 40 Thieves triumphantly.

Peeponpeeponpeepon...019....

“My name is Bond, Merdeka Casino Royale Bond. Who is this peasant who dares call me in the middle of a phockey game?”

“It is us, The Five Vice Men. We have good news. We were able to recast the decision from the specific instance to the abstract concept, without impairing the conceptual integrity of ourselves or yourselves.

“Well done, gentlemen. In that case, roll the dice!” beamed an exultant Merdeka Casino Royale Bond.

donplaypuks® with my merdeka casino royale bond, man!

08/04/2009

AN ACCIDENTAL INQUIRY INTO THE ACCIDENTAL SUICIDE DEATH OF A.COOGIE, AN ANARCHIST!

by sherlock poirot charlie chan dario FO, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for dick’s minds








The August Post Mortem Commission of the greatest detectives and medical minds in the World rose as one body to acclaim, applaud and congratulate the outstanding, sole and unchallenged winner of the ‘2009 Nobel Correct,Correct,Correct Prize’, I. American M.D.

The Commission, chaired by I. American M.D., had been ably assisted by Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot and Charlie Chan with watching briefs held by AG Ganesh Patel, I Raja Polis Big Moose, eleven I Polis Raja from Peace Hill Resort district and Kapak Singh MP for Altant.., opps sorry can't say that, I mean that Chinese Mongolian blackmailing bitch Aminah Baginda.

The Commission had just concluded its unanimous finding that the death of suspected but surely guilty one Anarchist A. Coogie was wholly, exclusively and necessarily due to a regrettable ACCIDENTAL SUICIDE and that it was a true and fair verdict. Coogie had been arrested as a suspected but surely guilty one Anarchist, Al Qaeda General and peddler of illegal DVD’s of the popular computer game ‘Grand Theft Auto.’

Coogie had been collared the previous month at the Klang Hitman Pasar Malam (Night Market) near the abandoned $30 million new Bus Station and taken to the Peace Hill Resort People Friendly Incarceration and Interrogation Tea Party Centre, for counselling and ‘friendly’ advice. At some point in time of a murky and hazy night, Coogie had, overcome by remorse and deep shame, suddenly cut loose from a ring of 11 interrogators and flung himself to death through the 3rd Floor window of the tea room.

The findings of the Commission are classified under the draconian OSIBISA – Official Secrets, Intelligence, Banking and Internal Security Act. However, donplaypuks® managed to obtain loose transcripts of the Commission of Inquiry’s proceedings from its garbage disposal can and after piecing them together, has decided to share these excerpts with the Public in the interest of justice, at the risk of being sub-judice and being invited via a Mareva Injunction to take a friendly tour of the picturesque Peace Hill Resort.
...........................
I.American M.D.
So, we can ignore the 2 PM’s?

11 I Polis Raja chorus
Absolutely! Ignore them! Don lah korek, korek, korek!

I Raja Polis
That’s right. Maha Firaun and Maharosemajib have nothing to do with it.

I American M.D.
Idiot! I meant the two Post Mortems, not Prime Ministers. The cause of death was Pulmonary Enema.

AG Ganesh Patel
You mean they beat the shit out of Coogie? That’s MURDER!!

Sherlock Holmes
I say old chap, what’s Pulmonary Enema? Watson?

Dr.Watson
Alimentary, my dear Holmes!

I.American M.D.
Imbeciles! I meant Pulmonary Edema exacerbated by Myocardial Infarction aggravated by acute malfunction of the Renal Sub-Filtrate System with possible contributory factors arising from External Blunt Force Trauma.

I Raja Polis/AG Ganesh Patel
We no spik German. Please translate to English.

Charlie Chan
Water accumulation in the lungs caused by failure of the kidneys and a swelling of the heart due to having the shit beaten out of him by a rubber truncheon, perhaps?

I.American M.D.
No! No! No! No rubber truncheons. It was suicide. He jumped of his own accord from the 3rd Floor window at Peace Hill Resort.

11 I Police Raja chorus
Fell of his own accord! Accidental Suicide!

AG Ganesh Patel
Even though he was handcuffed behind his back and there were 11 I Polis Raja with him at that time?

I.American M.D.
That’s right. He was apparently a sprinter of some renown having been trained by Olympic and World Champ, Usain Bolt.

Hercule Poirot
And managed to leap 15 feet high and slip through the iron bars of the window on the 3rd Floor, while handcuffed behind his back?

I.American M.D.
Sounds incredible, I confess. But you know these oily Indians from Klang. The ‘Orang Minyak’ (Oily Man) is a well known Gang of thieves. They are superbly fit and can slip through the eye of a needle.

Sherlock Holmes
But the PM does not state anything about broken bones, only numerous torture lacerations on the skin and blunt trauma marks.

I.American M.D.
You will recall that the body was compromised by members of Coogie’s family and two Members of Parliament when they barged into the morgue at the hospital. They fixed the bones, planted the scars and engineered gaping holes and bruises on the body.

11 I Police Raja chorus
They fixed it! Shame and Perfidy! Red Card, MP’s!

Dr. House
What about the 2nd Independent Post Mortem. The provisional cause of death (pending toxicology) was stated as due to acute renal failure due to Rhabdomyolysis?

I.American M.D.
I no spik Bangla!

Dr. Mark ‘Ace’ Kolmar
Breakdown of skeletal muscle tissue due to having the shit beaten out of him by blunt force trauma rubber truncheons, perhaps?

I.American M.D.
Well, these foreign doctors from Bangladesh and Burma. What can we say? It may be common in Dhaka, but not here in 1 Malaysia, 1 Nation, Just Do it. Kami Bolih!

11 I Polis Raja chorus
Common in Dhaka, Bangladesh. How sad!

Dr. Kildare
What did your inspection of Coogie’s body reveal?

I.American M.D.
No, no.There was no need. I just went through the files and photos of the 2 PM’s and expertly deduced from my armchair that there was no foul play whatsoever!

11 I Polis Raja chorus
Expertly deduced from his armchair. No foul play whatsoever. Nudge, Nudge! Wink, Wink!

Kapak Singh MP
Why did the kidneys, lungs and heart fail? Surely, the cause of death must be determined?

I.American M.D.
The cause of death was the heart stopped beating and the brain stoppe functioning. But of course we could not establish the heart had expanded. But this is normal in the case of Malaysian Indian 'Grand Theft Auto' suspects but surely guilty one !

Charlie Chan
Whoa, so congvingnience one, ah? Even if police bullet is found in body, you only conclude 'died from bleeding, heart stopped beating?'

Dr. Ben Casey
What was the clincher? I mean what was THE evidence that led you to your learned opinion?

I.American M.D.
The Suicide Note.

11 IPR chorus
Suicide Note? That’s rum!

Sherlock Holmes
He wrote a Suicide Note while fully handcuffed behind his back and in the presence of 11 I Polis Raja and they don’t know about it? Can I take a look at it?

I.American M.D.
Sorry, no can do. Barred by OSIBISA, I’m afraid. And sub-judice.

11 I Polis Raja chorus
Barred by OSIBISA, Whew!

I.American M.D.
But I can read excerpts from it. Here goes:
‘Yang benar Appa, Amma and Sujatha (my beloved mistress).. jika you receiving this letter you vill be knoving dat I yam kaput. But, I must telling the truth to the whole verld.......
I yam yaddicted to ‘Grand Theft Auto’ video game and yam on a mission to make yit a Glocal success selling yit in the Night Markets of the world............
11 I Polis Raja have nothing to do with beating the shit out of my body with blunt force trauma rubber truncheons leading to Pulmonary Enema exacerbated by Myocardial Infarction aggravated by acute malfunction of the Renal Sub-Filtrate System or Rhabdomyolysis Breakdown of skeletal muscle tissue, pending toxicology.....
I yam deeply ashamed by my yactions and have decided to yaccidentally kammit swiside!.There’s nothing more I can say........

11 I Polis Raja chorus
Yaccidentally kammit swiside! What more is there to say!

Sherlock Holmes
Brilliant I.American M.D. You have convinced us. A true Professional. It felt like, looked like and smelled like Murder or Beating the shit out of the body with blunt force trauma rubber truncheons. But I was so obviously wrong. You have covered up all the angles beautifully.

I.American M.D.
Yes, we have covered it all up exceedingly well, what Holmes!

11 I Polis Raja chorus, I Raja Polis and AG Ganesh Patel
Yes! Covered it all up exceedingly well! Correct, correct, correct. Hip, hip hooray to I.American M.D.!

donplaypuks® with my post mortems, man!!