by a.gibbon, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for language, culture and history studies affairs
the bare necessities - jungle book
Shere Can 1 aka panthera tigris jacksoni or the Malayan Tiger of 13 stripes and the new Towering Glocal Lord of the fetid and fecund Jungle, peered through the kristal clear state-of-the-art Zeiss rose-tinted lenses of the brand new Le Scorpeinis Submarine’s periscope. All seemed well. All was nigh after the first 100 days!
Of course, all seemed well and nigh from the billion $ Con of the Scorpeneis Submarine, parked as it was in the dry docks of Cherbourg, France, two years hopelessly past its delivery date. But to their credit, the full $500 million fee for future ‘facilitation, training, administration and maintenance’ had been disbursed even before the Scorpeinis Sub’s one-of- its-kind Le Stealth Peneiscope periscope had been fully extended. Such was their commitment to excellence in erection and key performance indices that the slimy CEO of the company, Captain Nemotoad had already departed for a long sojourn to Havoxbridge University in UK to earn his triple degree in plastic explosives torpedos !
Shere Can 1, though thought apocryphal, was said to have Mongolian origins, or at worse, some tenuous link to the descendants of Genghiz Khan. Was there any rumour to the truth? Such wild speculation often strangely ended as soon as it neared the lush tropical rainforests of Kamunting in Perak.
But the monkeys of the forest would have none of that ‘all is nigh’ spiel in the Jungle. Puhlease! It was their nature to itch and twitch, pick, lick and eat lice and snort at each others’ cracks as they had their hair plaited at Vidal Baboon’s! They would openly fondle their own and each others’ genitals and testicles. Much like whacko jacko, though unlike her, they could hardly claim artistic or music interpretive licence. Duh!
It’s the Economy stupid, the monkeys would chatter! But Home Economics Minister Baloo the Bear warned the fauna masses they would have to do with the bear necessities. It’s the Global Economic Downturn, help, they cried! But Macro Economics Minister Wolf O'Wizard was witzless! And if the animals threatened to riot at unmanageable spiralling costs of petrol, tolls, energy, food and inflation, Jungle Security Minister Rottweiler would send in Sgt. Pepper and his Spray Gang of 1 Leg Uppers! And lean scavenging beggar Hyenas and starving Leopards with fading spots could be bottled up for merely looking at Antelopes and thinking ‘Ah ha, fast food!’
It was in such times in the land of the Malayan Jungle of the Tiger of 13 stripes that a wild rumour began to vibrate through the apevine. The Head Primate of the Union of Silly Monkeys and Other Animals of the University of Mowgli, Prof Magilla Gorilla by name, had made a unilateral decision of stupendous, stunning logic. But this in itself was not really surprising or completely unexpected. What else could one expect from a Union of Silly Monkeys and Other Animals of the University of Mowgli? Especially when they had taken control mostly through their innate stealth and cunning and not always through universally recognised erudition. Duh!
In the land of the Malayan Jungle of the tiger of 13 stripes, the male from any of the ruling species was more and more frequently given to making unilateral decisions and issuing papal-like fiats, irrespective of the written laws of the Jungle! There was politics, which spewed leaping frogs; and there was ugly politics, which spewed forth leaping cane toads!
Thus Reporter Hens could be arrested for ‘their own safety’ and sent to cool off their feathers in solitary confinement in the coops of Kamunting. Black Panthers could be remanded in cages for wearing black skin. Pythonesque Lawyers could be locked up for slithering up to advice their clients and be charged with Ultra Viresing Tigers. Gnu NGO’s were stockaded for holding peaceful candle-light vigils (surely you gnu dat?). Bear-bottomed Bloggers were snared for having roti chanai pancakes and maple syrup breakfast in coffee shops. Student Eagle Owls were hooted at for gathering in large numbers at Ipoh White House Kopitiam DC (District of Coffee) for latte, molecha and live corpo rats!
So it transpired that Prof Magilla Gorilla embarked upon a re-organization of the Heads & Faculties at the University of Mowgli. Well, not all. He took particular interest in the Rikki Tikki Tavi Faculty of India Mongoose Studies which represented a civilization over 5,000 years old, challenged only by the of Pingi Pongi Qingki Faculty of China Panda Studies, for its long ancient ancestry.
Prof Magilla Gorilla questioned the statistics which of late showed a 60% upward spike in the first class Cobra-killer honours secured by the new breed of once largely immigrant but now naturalised and fully integrated India Mongoose. Never mind that this represented only an increase of 5-6 in absolute numbers per year! Such results were unheard of in other University of Mowgli Faculties which led to squeals of ‘Fixed’, ‘Bought Cobra-killer Degrees’, ‘Relac Supervision’ and such accusations against Mongoose Professors and students. Speculation spread like wild fire that Cobra-killer Doctororates were tainted, toxic; poisoned! Head Giraffe was asked to look into it from his vantage point, but could not resolve the impasse, proving in the process to be no more than a pain in the neck!
Prof Magilla Gorilla was also a Jungle Administration Appointee, a Civil Serpent so to speak. Magilla had in fact been eased into his $500,000 per year job after hastily replacing his $300,000 per year female of the species predecessor. When questioned as to the differential in remuneration, he was quoted as saying that the female brain, having been used very frequently, had only a highly depreciated low net brain value, while his relatively fresh unused brain had huge upside potential!
In a rare flash of brilliance, Prof Magilla Gorilla issued a lethal combination of karate-kung fu fiat that henceforth the Rikki Tikki Tavi Faculty of India Mongoose Studies would be headed by a King Cobra who could not read, write or speak Mongeese! This was done primarily to prevent further in-fighting among the Mongoose, who unlike Professors in other Faculties, had NOT behaved in a gentlemanly fashion in lobbying and vying for the top post in their Faculty. Not quite Cricket, wot! Here was absolute living proof that congenital stupidity will always outperform innovative artificial intelligence, everytime!
Prof Magilla Gorilla then, in a moment of true inspiration, delivered his ‘piece de resistance’ to the Wooden Cabinet of Shere Can 1.
Prof Magilla Gorilla, whose other little known speciality is People Management and Jungle Unity Studies, proposed that the Rikki Tikki Tavi Faculty of India Mongoose Studies be merged with the Pingi Pongi Qingki Faculty of China Panda Studies to create a BRAND NEW FACULTY. This was to be officially christened as the EAST ASIA FACULTY OF THE DEAD STUDIES. With this masterstroke, it was forecast that in a relatively short time to come, the Jungle Administration would save hundreds of millions of $ per year in overhead and capital expenditure.
Some wayward creatures protested publicly against Magilla’s fiats by depositing a decapitated King Cobra’s head at the University of Mowgli’s Temple. They were promptly arrested and incarcerated in Kamunting lock-up for religious bigotry by the ever-vigilant, conscientuous and ferocious Campus Lion Patrol, as it interfered with their inalienable right to prey!
It is in this vine that the uproarious and hilarious simians continue with their antics in the fetid and fecund Jungle of the panthera tigris jacksoni or the Malayan Tiger of 13 stripes. This is the arena where animals crack people jokes, apes smoke havana cigars, quaff champagne straight from the bottle, pinch bottoms and bosoms and become great ambassadors, while lions and tigers lose poker games to cheetahs and snakes study hiss-tory!
And if one should present a Chimpanzee with a bouquet of roses?
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