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03/02/2010

2010 DAMN OSCAR Nominations - (part 1)

by chichakman pontianak, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for movies affairs

The little known
DAMN (Donplaypuks® Academy of Movie News) was set up in 2009 to recognize excellence of professionals in the local film industry, including directors, actors, actresses and writers with an annual award of DAMN Oscars.

The formal
ceremony at which 2010 DAMN Oscars awards will be presented shall be held at the Gong Badak World Class Stadium in KT and televised globally. It is expected to be one of the most prominent award ceremonies in the world, attracting film stars, producers and glitterati from Hollywood, Bollywood, Kollywood, Honkytonkywood, overshadowing other international award ceremonies such as the Hollywood Oscars, Hammy (best ham actor), Emmy, Grammy (best grandmother), Bafta, Tony (Tony Roma, best Steaks), Cannes (best tin cans), Bata (best school shoes), Buntutsan Awards (best bad ass racist journo) and the like.

Here are the first of 5 nominations for best local motion picture award for the 2010 DAMN Oscars:


Very Nice Taxi Driver



This is a magnificent noir fantasy about the daily struggles of Bangla Nepalindon, the only known citizen who also legally owns and drives his own taxi. He refuses to employ illegal immigrants or farm out his cab to part-time locals to supplement his income. Bangla NI daily astounds his passengers by switching on the lawfully calibrated taxi meter and charging them EXACTLY according to it, taking the shortest routes, dropping them off at their exact destinations or the nearest taxi stand, switching on the car radio only at customers’ request, issuing tax valid receipts and bidding them farewell with a hearty “shukria” and smile after dropping them off!! His clean taxi puts to shame the city’s 20,000 dirty public cabs which are said to be worse than public toilets and whose licences have been cornered by a Minister who denies it when questioned in Parliament.

Then one fine day, while plying the back lanes of Butterworth, Bangla NI stumbles across Shanghai Rose Chan, a PRC English Language student registered at Everise Best Emperor Shih Huang Ti English College of Excellence. Rose is harassed by a group of ne’er do well maintenance workers from the bankrupt local Penang Ferry Service Corporation. Bangla NI, a morally upright citizen to a fault is enraged and kills all the ferry workers in a massive shootout. He falls in love with Rose in the backseat of his taxicab on the way to his 1 room bedsitter where he sequesters her for her own safety lest she be arrested by the authorities and incarcerated under the ISA or deported, which would be a fate worse than death. There, he is thunderstruck and dumbfounded to discover that Rose is not exactly a Chinese student of English even though her oral skills are outstanding for one so young and innocent. She is a China Doll. They live happily ever after.

Director Mokhzani Mikhail Shoemaker
Karamjit Yoong as the daring Mohican coiffured very nice taxi driver Bangla Nepalindon
Arianna Softkaurass as the worldly wise but pure hearted Shanghai Rose Chan
Nazir Aziz as fesity Hail John Flush, Minister of Taxi Licences & Toilets Inspections
Filmed in full sensurroundtaxiscope in F1 Sepang Studios
Theme Song “You Thalkins To Me Mandalin?” nominated for best movie song. Song and lyrics by Pua Chew Kang Fu
Viewer Rating Banned. Insults the last of the Mohicans
The Curious Case of Many Good Men
At a Royal Commission of Inquiry, a mousy, vindictive, rebuffed, confirmed spinster lesbian secretary, Saucy Chili Padi Sita, falsely accuses her lawyer employer Ghandhi Mandela Lingam of subverting the true course of justice by bribing a Chief Justice and 11 other Judges of the Federal Court. Doctored airline tickets, fake cheque book stubs, touched up photographs of the CJ and Justices holidaying at the Auckland Zoo and in chalets and nightclubs in Geneva are tendered at the RCI and posted scurrilously on the internet.
Watch the courtroom drama unfold as Ghandhi Mandela Lingam corretcly, corretcly, corretcly, aided and abetted by lone courageous Attorney General Ganesh Patel, battles inhuman odds to clear his name and that of the many good men, the justices. In a climactic courtroom scene the verdict is received in an atmosphere of stunned silence, disbelief and awe as Ghandhi Mandela Lingam thunders “You can’t handle the truth! We didn't do anything wrong. We not only have some of the finest lawyers in this country, we also have some judges money alone cannot buy - the BEST kind!!” The justices are reborn and rejuvenated as they once again go about their duties with Einstein child like curiosity and wonder!
Director ZZZ Sleeping PM Productions CEO Rip Van Winkle
Mokhtar Talib as the noble role model lawyer Ghandhi Mandela Lingam
Francis Udaykumar as the heroic defence attorney who accidentally leaves his thinking head in the klang river after a visit to a local police station
Eusoffee Charley Chin as the embattled and wrongly accused bungalow hunting No.1 ex-CJ
Ganesh Patel as himself, the Attorney General
Moses Black as Chief Police Commissioner Gordon, sole owner of the batsignal
searchlight
Zul Nordegren as the Bar Council who fight tigrishly for compensation and conversion
Augusta Caesar Paul as Judge Dread and nominated for best supporting actor for her scintillating performance as an irrelevant judge who is also DEAD as she oversees the expunged trial!
Kavitha Hardkaurass as the stylo mylo vindictive confirmed lesbian spinster secretary, Saucy Chili Padi Sita
Mas Steward as the video cd expert Leo Goburnem
Nazir Aziz as feisty Hail John Flush, Minister of Taxi Licences & Courtroom Toilet Inspections
Filmed in full sensurround legalnobriefsscope in Kangaroo Studios in Putrajaya
Theme Song “Old lawyers do not die, they just keep losing their briefs. Zaki & Ptnrs, Llb.
Viewer Rating Banned. Insults Royalty. Seditious
A Streetcar Named Desireroton
Local car co Desireroton Motors faces Chapter 11 closure of its monopoly business. Desireroton Motors Founder and CEO, Mahaleela Kutty Firaun Arif then plays his brilliant ace in the hole, the AP (Approved Permit) card to thwart stiff Japanese, German, American and Italian attempts to re-colonize the local motor industry and the nation.
But despite strict closed open negotiated tender procedures all the AP’s (sold at $40,000 per whack) are colonized by 4 local Auto Czars due to a slight oversight by the Ministry of Transport which scurrilously shifts blame to a totally innocent Minister. Watch tears the size of crocodiles overflow as the embattled Minister is eventually sacked and then demonstrates the tenacity of a Virgin Iron Lady to clear her name in this moving human interest story of a world kelisa conspiracy, big biz and sex discrimination of second among equals!!
Director feisty Maha Firaun
Wigs S.Velu nominated for best supporting actor as the feisty, daring Mohican coiffured desireroton car thief, Kugan
Maharaja Leela as the feisty Mahaleela Kutty Firaun Arif, CEO of Desireroton
Ka Rapidahsudahlah as the feisty Virgin Iron Maiden Minister out to clear her name
Bang Rapidahadalah as the 4 feisty Auto Czars
Nazir Aziz as feisty Hail John Flush, Minister of Taxi Licences & Toll Highways Toilet Inspections
Filmed in full feisty sensurround myvivisioncopyomotorscope Prothon City Studios
Feisty Theme Song “I Love Driving In My Car, It’s Not Quite a Jaguar” by Feisty Madness
Viewer Rating Banned. Insults feisty crocodiles.
Slumdog Ali Baba Billionaire – a rags to riches feelgood story
Zack Matsalleh Derose, an 18 year old Form Two school dropout guard from the wrong side of the railway gates of Batang Berjuntai is offered a contract he can’t refuse – the $15 billion Rawang Berjuntai-Blackwood Hills-New Precious Stones North-South Double Tricking Railway project.
Zack, a master of the little known art of paradigm shafting first perfected in Kubang Pasu district, successfully secures a win-win joint venture partnership with foreign railway construction and maintenance experts, Ah Chong, Muthu, Madhoff Cons & Experts. Zack manages to convince the powers-that-be to increase the initial contract cost to $40 billion with a 999 year maintenance and procurement concession with pass on cost and foreign exchange increases factored in.
Zack then goes on to formulate the globally franchised and highly successful TV showHow To Be a Billionaire Fraudtrepreneur Without Really Trying”, marries his childhood sweetheart Lathicharge, builds a $50 million mansion and becomes Prime Minister......
Director critically acclaimed Yasmin Robert Boil. Nominated for best director
Sad Halim as the young penniless Zack
Diam Diam Uddin as the old billionaire Zack
Zack Matsalleh Derose as the dead Zack
Siti Hazelnur as Lathicharge, the 1st among equal wives of Zack the douchebag
Ah Chong as himself
Muthu as himself
Ben Banacake Greenscam as Bernie Madhoff
Nazir Aziz as feisty Hail John Flush, Minister of Taxi Licences & Railway Toilet Inspections
Filmed in full sensurround rotflatwttb rollingstockscope in Taj Mansion Studios, Port Kelang
Theme Song “Jai Ho! Why waiting being millionaire when you can being billionaire, hai?” Song and lyrics by AR Rahman
Viewer Rating Banned. Insults dogs. Can’t be, not here, can it?
Sequel Planned “Slumdog Credit Default Swap (CDS) Toxic Sub-Prime Mortgage Trillionaire.”
Missing Witness – a real two-in-one whodunit
12 Suckschoi Jetplanes costing $5 billion, blown up in mid air by C4 Plastic Explosives, crash into a $1.7 billion Scorpenis Submarines docked off Pulau Mongol, killing its sole occupant, pilot Aminah Baginda Genghiz Khan and destroying completely all the nation’s air force and naval defence equipment. The nation’s top dicktective, PI Bail Bond James Bala is commissioned (no not a commission) to investigate two of the supposedly destroyed Suckschoi jet’s engines turning up in Argentina, then Uruguay and NOT in Iran.
PI Bala BBJ’s sleuthing gets him sniffing on the tracks of the suave and well-connected Havoxbridge don and R&B jazz enthusiast, Dr. Razak Boustard, PhD, an international dealer in peashooters and therefore recruited for $500 million by the nation as a defence procurement expert. PI Bala BBJ mysteriously vanishes while hot on the heels of shadowy and dangerous international arms dealers and perusing Digi telephone records for 2 years, This is an action packed thrill a minute whodunit with steamy orgies, no holes barred sex and Statutory Declarations in Paris, New York, London, Cockfosters, Moscock, Tokyo, Trivandrum, Madrid, Ulan Bator and Kampong Tamankennydutatundamanshirehills in Kuala Lumpur as details of blackmail and a sex triangle possibly leading all the way to the doors of the de-facto highest office in the land and that of her husband emerge.