by tom feline of email@example.com, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for pussy affairs
Two men sat down ashen faced at their writing tables in their separate palatial offices as they stared at the letters they had just received and opened.
One was a Korpo Tikus Kepten and the other an acerbic apanama octogenarian, Rama Maha Firaun the First aka Pak Tak Bajet.
Their shock was somewhat mitigated by the fact that the envelopes still bore the standard 30 cent stamp as opposed to the new 100% increased 60 cent ones effective 1st July. Of course PM Rosemajib’s 1M’sia ‘Heads I Win, Tails You Lose’ policy meant that the suckee and hittee to make up for Pos Tak Laju’s (Snail Mail) $500 million write off in its investment in fraudulent Transmiremishmarshed Corp Plc was, and no prizes for guessing right - THE PEOPLE!! Ra, Ra, Ra!!!
Tan Sir LingamLingam, or DD (double dickhead as he was affectionately known in the kottai sri lankan circles, not Dare Devil) had been called up for National Service (NS). Surely, it was a mistake? Surely that fake and fraudulent con job NS was for school leavers and not for Korpo Tikus Keptens suffering from foot-in-mouth disease?
But this was NS of another kind. Tan Sir LingamLingam aka Double Dickhead was so incensed his face turned Thaipusam purple.
“How dare the Rosemajibs take this kind of blatant liberties? Who do they think they are? Who do they think I am? I kthin, therefore I sexist! What do they know about logic or philosophy or honour, ethics, principles, duty and loyalty to one’s people?
I’m no sucker to do NS for a mere $10 million flip-over profit of Mykaka shares. After all Wigs and his son hit Mykaka for a cool $100 million which is my minimum going rate!!” fumed an outraged DD.
“Hellow, who dat?”
“Rosemajib and his cat, C4.”
“Which one and what happened to C 1, 2 and 3?”
“The kind that has fur, purrs, says miaow and chases and swallows whole Korpo Rat Keptens for NS and donations!”
“Idiot! Is this the Rosemajib who wears the pants?”
“Idiot! We both wear pants!!”
“Fool! Your voices sound the same. Lower than Permaisuri first lady status Rosemajib or is it the Port Dickson Rosemajib?”
“Oh, sorry. Now I’m standing to attention, Sir!! Wazzup?”
“You got my letter, DD?”
“Yes Tuan, but I no can do NS!”
“What do you want? I am now the Sith Jedi Master Planner of the Realm. Can you help me? Can we we do a deal? Gua tolong lu, lu tolong gua! You scratch my back, I’ll have you massaged in any 3-way reflexcoxolgy spa anywhere in the world. Got the message?”
“Oh, if you put it that way, I have a $100 million itch where the sun don't shine.”
“Agreed! A Bank of Israel cheque for $101 million will be signed Monday and hand delivered to you by my personal couriers Safar, Safri, Norhayati and Buyong (not Pos Laju) Wednesday morning. Don try and cash it locally will you? Take a flight to Tel Aviv. Understood?”
“Ya wohl, mein Fuehrer!”
‘Oh, shut up you oily creep!”
And thus a famous National Service contract hit deal was negotiated directly as the wily amoral principals and master and servant crapped on the heads of you tired, you poor, huddled and wretched masses as you yearned to breathe free and head for safe shores!
The Rosemajibs ticked off another national headache from their ‘Urgent To Do’ List.
Elsewhere, a tired, sick and frustrated lonely old Indian Muslim doctor nearly choked on his favourite loaf of japanese raisin bread. His sex life sure could do with some raisin’ from the dead! He gaped with open mouth at the letter that had landed on his $1 million certified authentic (by Chrysty’s of Petaling Street) Queen Anne desk in his palatial offices on the 85th floor of the Suria Twin Towers.
You could, on a clear day when not blocked and beset by swirling clouds in violet haze, see from the over-sized windows of this opulent office on which no expense was spared, the vaults of the Bank of Israel in Singapore and possibly, even Tel Aviv or Buenos Aires!
So, Rama Maha Firaun the 1st aka Pak Tak Bajet, ex-Sith Jedi Master Planner of the Realm decided to make a call.
Ring! Ring! Ring!
“Is that Rosemajib?”
“Which Rosemajib do you wish to speak to”
“The one wearing pants and having a pussy!”
“We both wear pants, but I don’t have a pussy!”
“Ah, then I want the one who doesn’t sell carpets or sing karaoke off key all the time! The one having a cat!”
“Ah, that’ll be me then.”
“Ah yes, the $7.3 billion 2nd hand scorepenis submarine seller! Listen up! We only have 1/3 of the Malay votes. What do you have to say to that?”
“Brilliant! That’s 1/3 more than I have! And besides, you yourself are an accomplished 2nd hand car salesman, aren't you with that copy cat ElectronNuetron Motors? Would your own wife trust and buy a brand new car from you, never mind a 2nd hand one?”
“Nincompoop! Never answer a question with another question! At this rate, you will lose the next General Elections for us!”
“US? Aren’t you responsible for the whole mess? But don worry, I have my trump card. My ace up the sleeve as it were.”
‘You’ll have the Rakyat’s boot up your pussy’s and your rear end if you fool yourself into believing your own $77 million paid APCO advertorials in Jewish and the Satan’s (USA) newspapers, and for spindoctored 72% popularity “public opinion polls.” Did you hear me, you’ll be history at the next GE!!”
“I wouldn’t bet on it. Remember WE, and I mean WE, have a shared destiny with starry, starry night?”
“What’s Van Gogh got to do with it?”
“Listen you old c..t, er no, codger, I meant China blue eyes Vincent, OUR Vincent – Ladbrokes, turf accountants, football pools, Lionel Messi, FIFA World Cup betting...get the drift?”
“Ah, now I geddit the drift! Of course, how silly of me to forget. But the cheating ‘hand of god’ Maradona and 'hand job' Thierry Henri are more my heroes. And what's in it for me when the $2 billion betting licence is awarded 'free' to Vincy Van Gogh by no open tender direct nego? Can my son be.....”
“Water boy? Of course! Done!”
“Wtf are you talking about, fat boy lard-de-do trained economist?”
“Jokin onny! Non-exec non-sackable onerous Chairmanship with salary of $2 million plus six months guaranteed bonus payable in advance, stock options, latest Merc limo with driver, corpo rat cheese and jet, penthouse office, bungalow house in Tamanbangtunkennydamanshires...the sky’s the limit? Done!”
“Oh, and pension for life, 1st class air travel and accommodations, medical insurance, 2 months paid leave with free overseas holiday to belly-dancing Morocco.....?”
“You do strike a hard social contract, old man. Done! Lu tolong gua, gua tolong lu (You rub my pussy, I’ll rub yours).”
“Ah, now I understand what you tried to say to me. And how you sufffered for your sanity. How you tried to set them free from roti jala bankruptcy. They would not listen, they did not know how. Perhaps they never will! This world was never meant for one as beautiful as Aminah Altant...oops, can’t say that.
And I’ll tell KKK Abraham Ali Baba and Perkosong to...”
“Go fly Kelantan kites...after all Vincy baby has him in his pocket! And do take time to smell the daffodils.”
donplaypuks® with our korpo rat keptens, man!!
“For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.” Wordsworth.
Extracts from ‘donplaypuks® Havoxbridge International Dictionary of Manglish’:
Apanama – an affectionate public reference to Rama Maha Firaun The First