DECIPHERING THE 1GROSSMAJIB DEVELOPMENT BOARD (1GDB) ALIEN DOUBLESPEAK!

by BBDO Goebbels, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for alien doublespeak affairs

It is not surprising that someone who goes by the acronym SFMDSAHMH or Shotarse for short, should make clarifications on behalf of 1GBD and the MoF, speaking as though he were an alien from outer space, and sounding not unlike someone trying to articulate thorough his arse. That's because playing around with semantics and speaking through the posterior extremity has become BUMNO/SCUMNO SOP/culture, to the extent that when one of them clears his throat, you usually have to reach for toilet paper or the long cord of the bidet!

After the usual yes, no, yes, no, Shotarse finally admitted that one of Malaysia's shameless looting and plundering homegrown fraudtrepreneurs, Anak Keling or AK for short, actually helped "re-finance" 1GDB's recent debt of RM2 billion. AK apparently did not, as rumoured recently, settle the debt via a loan from his own pockets or through one of his numerous companies. 

SFMDSAHMH was gushing with enthusiasm and almost orgasming in his pants, as he added that there was no exchange risk, and that AK had "arranged the re-financing by private investors".  More than that,  sounding as though the world's broken financial system had just been fixed permanently by the banking genius of AK, he added that the principal loan would be repaid in 15 months and interest, in 6 months. Shotarse's prematurely released press release was telling:

"Coming from my bottom, Anak Keling should received a thankful handjob handshake from all Malaysians. Thats meanThe crisis has blowjobbed blown over!"

What does it all mean? Why would Anak Keling "help" 1GDB and PM Grossmajib who wears the pants, and her husband who wears the skirts? After all, he is a crony of Maha Firaun, not the Grossmajibs, and as far as Malaysia's homegrown looting and plundering fraudtrepreneurs like Anak Keling are concerned, charity and altruism are dirty words, and there is no free lunch even if hell freezes over.

Fortunately for the Rakyat, I am the inventor of the Donplaypuks® Inner, Outer, Inter and All-Over Extra-Galactic Gobbledygook Translator, and so I am able to decipher for everyone the intentionally delivered foggy "cloacafication" by Shotarse:

1. Shotarse, the Grossmajibs and 1GDB CEO Kenneth Kaunda Kundi had all lied through their dirty bottoms earlier when they said there was money in the Caymans or Singapore readily available to redeem the loan. This is one more in a case of serial lying that goes back 5 years.

2. 1GDB started with this now due RM2 billion debt (total debt standing at a staggering RM46 billion) and at the end of the exercise, ended up with still RM2 billion debt + interest. So, it's really back to square one. Of course, that's where the problems really started because 1GDB did not have sufficient cash flow to service debt, having borrowed money in advance of projects to be started, and then parked it in investments which tanked and could not generate operating profit or capital gains! So, the geniuses at 1GDB and the PM and Jho Paris Hilton could do nothing else, but use the Rakyat's sovereign guarantee, and roll-over the debts as and when they became due. So clever, kind and thoughtful of them. They were hoping for a miracke that never materialised, and with that sort of gambling mentality, they deserved what they got - shot in the arse!

3. Anak Keling was a guarantor of the RM2 billion loan. If 1GDB had defaulted, then he would have had to fork out the entire sum from his own pockets or from his group of companies. RM2 billion, while not a ball breaker, was not exactly petty cash either, and AK was not going to perform national service to save Grossmajib's or anyone's arse.

4. "Private Investors" means other Malaysian fraudtrepreneurs who had illegally laundered/siphoned billions of ringgit in converted US dollars to Singapore, Hong Kong and Switzerland over the last 24 years (the starting point being the Maha Firaun prime ministership) on which tax had been totally evaded, and who, looking for premium interest returns, were now going to flay 1GDB for at least 8% per annum.

5. "No exchange risks" means, the "re-financing" was all done by money brought in from overseas and converted to ringgit, and elusive governor Yeti and the central bank told to shut up and not ask awkward questions.

6. Why should the interest be paid in full within 6 months for a 15-months loan? Because the investors did not trust 1GDB any more that you could trust Grossmajib to pass a window display of Birkin handbags without shattering the glass and grabbing the handbag, or, not to filch a freebie on 1MydinAirForce Jet for a holiday to Hawaii.

7. Why "re-financing" for a 15-month tenure, and not 12?  Actually, 1GDB had no idea if it could repay the loan in 15 months any more than if it could repay it in 15 years! But, it might, just might, placate the restless natives in the "heartland" and get Moody's, Fitch and S&P off its back for a few months!!

Of course, Shortarse, could not say much about $2 billion parked in Singapore, because someone had a lien on it and therefore, the money might as well be in Mars. 

He did not dare say much about $4 billion of  1GDB's investments in Mongolia in the 'Altantuya Scorpene Fucoal Mutual Unit Trust' either. Funded originally by the MOF's quick raid on a pension fund, and then rescued by the MOF which "nationalised it in the national interest" with taxpayer's money since coal prices had tanked like the Titanic, the $4 billion was now worth $200 million! Where could the Grossmajibs and 1GDB write off $3.8 billion losses in investments recommended originally by Jho Paris Hilton as a "top-drawer punt that cannot fail"? 

Well, Jho might have been distracted when looking at somewhat lowered drawers in a Paris Hilton boudoir, and misspelt "punt"!!

 Donplaypuks® with Anak Keling and Jho Paris Hilton investments, man!