WINE, HOW DIVINE! a new distillation.

or 'The Gripes of Wrath' (with due apologies to our friends down under).

by sirul azilah altantuya baginda (saab), donplaypuks® intrepid corresponent for administration and maintenance of francophile and enophile (*1) affairs in la paris

Hot on the heels of news of the successful signing of the $5 billion order for submarines between Malaysia and France, there emerged breaking news of further commercial joint-ventures between French and Malaysian parties.

The Duc de Scorpeneis, speaking fom his Chatuea D’if in the south of France, announced the incorporation of Wines Internationale Nouveau Organisma or WINO in off-shore Labuan, for a joint-venture with Glocal Malaysian entrepreneur, Latok Ali Baba Kian Tee, for the world-wide distribution of made-in-Malaysia world-class wines.

Saab was able to secure copies of WINO’s international catalogue at a secret exclusive wine-tasting cum french-cuisine (frog-legs, snails, force-fed enlarged goose liver and horse-steak) bash hosted by the Duc de Scorpeneis and the Duchess de Mercedes at Labuan’s premier 6-star hotel, the Palais du Monte Cristo

We are proud to present below WINO’s 2008 magnificent range of wines from their 'Boulanger Douxain de Malaise’ special collection or ‘The Baker’s Dozen from Malaysia’.

* 1 enophile – wine lover

$5 million bottle Petrus ‘vin au coq up’08

a delicate peppery, perky, fragile youthful coffee-boy sweet pink rose fruity wine thing. special edition also available for your pet uncle and /or aunty and will be delivered by royal motor-bike courier petra@2daymalaysiaSD(sameday services. do not touch, fondle or remove coq. to drink, break glass at other end at 8 specially indented spots.

one sip and you will swear on a stack of holy books to its astonishlingly refreshing taste and be immediately transported to heaven. this delectable, sweet honey-dripping nectar may be consumed on any or all of overseas trips or in secret tete-a-tete high-tea frisson between 3.00 – 4.30 p.m any day.

WARNING!! MUST be consumed with green salad topped with extra virgin olive oil dressing.

chateau grande casino royale malaysia @ today

a brave full-bodied wine of pure royal blue vintage. delivered by post, wrapped in brown envelope with certicate of authenticity verified by SD.

ps bottles are stored in special underground vaults located overseas. orders may NOT be scanned or emailed via laptops. Please register on-line for invitation to free wine-tasting.

shiteau medellin la pheet '70

an exceptionally soporific and liberating sweet, dreamy, smoky grass-green concoction cloned from afghan, pakistan and burma varieties.

also easily available from mules at airport waiting lounges, donkeys in maximum security-protected vat vaults in ujong tanah & nine counties stations and asses in glocal burger stalls. pending FDA/DEA approval.

mateus matthieus rose lah tongue braun ‘03

for all loyal aids of ex-premiers, ministers and mp’s. a unique light-bodied flatulent, pretentious blend of portuguese and chinese grapes. vine cuttings were originally imported from kerala on the western seaboard of south india. a bit over-dry & sour to the palate.

over-priced for its vintage. personally recommended by self-proclaimed retired benevolent dictator & expert wine-taster contactable at sourgrapes@dilemma.ex-gov.con

dom perignon le don never pays ‘69

specially subsidised king of sparkling, bubbling beautifully bottled champagnes. at least 30% of bottles are reserved for some more equal than others. cultivated in the directly negotiated non-tendered-out 3,000 hectares vineyards of the New Enophile Plains (NEP). last few cases only available now as this year’s production has been severely curtailed by the most serious attack of vine blight in 50 years.

new orders will be accepted only after September 16th, 2008.

casa mafioso verve cliqdontalkcoq au lord lingham’s ‘08

a very corretcly, corretcly, corretcly blended spicy, chili-hot whisky-whine produced in the dungeons of Chateau Micasa Sucasa designed to burn your tongue off. cleverly concocted for those who wish to appear drunken instantly. one sip and you’ll convincingly be able to pretend to incriminate yourself & spill the beans in a drunken handphone monologue with retired Chief Shysters!! guaranteed to induce amnesia the next day.

ps special 100% discount for all members of the auckland-zoo and lake geneva chalet judiciary alumni. go burn em video, dvd & wine-kit with instructions for extra $1 only without prejudice.

#1 including but not limited to caveat emptor. e & eo excepted

pinot du chedet guevara ‘03

a revolutionary full-bodied red non-alcoholic wine for incumbent and retired self-proclaimed and self-appointed benevolent dictators. prepared from blood-red grapes fermented in secret trenches and then boiled to remove all traces of alcohol and debris.

5 cc milk of magamnesia laxative added to facilitate ease of motion and loss of memory the morning after the night before for octogenarian buyers.

marquis de sade et buggerdeaux ‘98

an oh, so delightfully conspiratorial dark-brown full-bodied and full-aroma sparkling wine variant from grapes originally grown in the Bordeaux district of France. distilled and cloned after sadistically straining the juices through the stained fabric and foam of an old confiscated mattress.

grape-juice concentrates are specially selected from vines re- planted in the foothills of Tivoli Villas Bungsar, Rome and mixed with those found in the condominium area in the Shires District of Kuala Lumpur, i.e. Dutakennydamanshire valleys district. certificate of origin & DNA (#1) test results issued by enophile centre at darthmaharthirasvineyard.pondok@klER are enclosed with each case.

# 1 pending constitutional amendmend.

villa valachia eternal perwaja steal ‘08

a full-bodied fiery red with untraceable 76 million herbs forged from the juice of off-shore harvested swiss, japanese & hong kong red, purple & green grapes. leaves traces of hot furnace, carbon, rare diamonds and ashes on the tongue.

ps recipe for eternal-life herbs discontinued due to the recent demise of its inventor.

chardonnay shah du joy riah ‘69

a pink-white light, sweet delicate sparkling, fizzy, bubbling champagne wine to celebrate the arrest of partners in same-sex marriages, transvestite liaisons, cross-dressing parties and those involved in sex-conversion issues like the british classical dancer, barrelina joy margot fonteyn, and himalayan conqueror, sir edmund hillary clinton mcmurthy. labels personally autographed by eltons john, helen degenerate and sherpa tenzing allgay.

do not hesitate! jais whip an emial order to:

pinktriangle@glenmariejais.extragov.con.

empty bottle will come in handy for bodily functions if one is arrested & remanded for hours in enforificers' trucks. all buyers must attend mandatory counselling course conducted by ayatollah osama zarqawi in Kandybar, Afghaniranqistan

cotes du vin plonk '69

cheap, very light landmark table wine sold exclusively in rivers of money plaza for the working class. blue bottle only. buy 1, free 2.

ps while stocks last & limited to all days ending with the letter ‘y’.

chateau mutton rottenschild ‘08

the favourite verld-class red claret adrenalin-stirring crystal kolai-wine of mule-headed, thick-skinned, voted-out sith jedi master planners of yengineering for the realm and their followers. cultivated first in the peaty and salty dry, crusty plains of rubber estates surrounding Port Sweatinghang, the fermented juice from these dark grapes must be drunk fresh for a truly hair-raising experience.

winery is on the verge of financial collapse with no shareholders or bidders. Email to 9milliontelekomshares@kalinga.gov.shakeheads.myika.con to get at all the bald facts

4th floor villa cosa nostra rip van winkle ‘08

a slow-to-mature off-white bitter-sweet somnambulistic medium-bodied old wine blended from chinese, syrian & indonesian grapes.

bottle can only be opened for consumption after 20 years.

WARNING!!

not to be consumed on LRT’s, Nasi Kandar Restaurants and jumbo jets.

BUY 13, FREE 1 - SPECIAL EDITION CHATEAU MAHAROSEMAJIB 'ONE FOR ALL & ALLFOR ONE' 2008 CHAMPAGNE

(IF YOU CAN FIND IT)

a cunningly blended bubbly using the same old well-known 3-spices flavouring that unfortunately leaves an insipid taste on the palate as it illegally attempts to create a right royal hip hopping party circus ambience that backfires on the master blender suspected to be the lady who wears the pants in the winery!

FIC approval no longer required for this collectors’ item for all Mongolians or anyone with the name Alt...er, oops, can't say that name, we mean that blackmailing chinese bitch aminah baginda or special items costing upwards of $20 million a bottle!


donplaypuks® with my wine & champagnes man! ALL READERS, PLEASE WRITE IN WITH YOUR FAVOURITE 'MALAYSIAN' W(H)INE!

MB vs MB or SILENCE OF THE LAME KANGAROO LA MB'S

by g'die ramli burger and partners, llb, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for kangaroo courting affairs













The Auto Assembly Line: In Perak.
The Place: Under the shade of the Democracy Raintree in Ipoh.
The Man: Towering Glocal 2nd Hand Car Salesman, Latok Camry (PhD).
The Other Man Thursday 7th May & PR Speaker: Sani Gana.
The Judge: Left Honourable Ramli Burger, sole proprietor.
The Court: Ping Pong.
The Equipment: Cojones, the lack of.
The issue: Latok Camry’s elevation to the International Statesmen’s Hall of Fame.
The Reason: Kita Bolih! (We can)
The Time: Now !!

The ever urbane and elegant looking patrician Jawaharlal Nehru in white, white Jubba and Ghandhi cap strolled around the quadrangle with his frail looking paramour Lady Edwina Mountbatten in summer cotton frock and straw hat clinging to his arm like a scene out of some E.M. Forster novel.

In another corner, under the generous shade of the village Democracy Raintree stooped the still emaciated frail figure of Mohandas Karamchand Ghandhi, the Mahatma, bent over his trademark cotton spinning wheel or Chakra.

Elsewhere, seated on a $5 wooden stool was the 91 year old Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela in his customary two-piece blue suit, wearing the grin of a little innocent boy. Such was the shining openness in his visage you’d never suspect he’d spent 18 years in solitary confinement on Robben Island!

In another corner where the branches and leaves drooped almost to the ground, square-jawed John Fitzgerald Kennedy frolicked with copper-platinum haired Marilyn Monroe who had a plunging neckline so deep, Ghandhi’s bifocals had fogged over and iced up as though under attack by the rolling mists on a cold Himalayan night, and the already scanty dhoti now sucked up to his vitals like cling wrap on Carrefour frozen spare, lean chicken chops!

And how the little boys and girls and men and women oohed and aahed at the silken skills of Edison Arantes do Nascimento aka Pele as he magically kept three footballs in perpetual motion with head, hip, thigh, shoulder, ankle and foot!

The never-been-near-a-beach fish white, rotund Sir Winston Leonard Spencer-Churchill in white 3-piece suit was engaged in animated conversation with the black-suited Abraham Lincoln in black stovepipe hat near the now acid-melted and hammer- assaulted plaque. It was 90 in the shade and you could have fried an egg on the concrete slab of the side-walk; but Churchill perspired not a drop, so cucumber cool was he. And Lincoln still talked about an epochal ‘four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.’

The spirits and flesh of great statesmen and achievers past and present had gathered, drawn together by the immutable unwritten laws of the Universe!

“The validity of any proceedings in the Auto Assembly Line shall not be questioned in any Court. Couldn’t be clearer than that, could it Goosy?” posed Churchill to Ghandhi, as he chomped on his favourite Hitler brand Havana stogie.

“No, fat mama’s boy Billy Bunter, no. It’s crystal clear. Any twelve year old child could read and understand that. Even Jinnah! It’s all about public toilets and canines you know!” opined a smiling Ghandhi, once a practicing lawyer himself.

“But there’s no written judgement. So, how and what can they bleddy appeal against, eh, kaffir. Isn’t that somewhat scurrilous action by Left Honourable Auto Pilot Judges, CoA and Fed ‘Roos?” boomed Mandela, another who had once worn robes and wigs.

“Oh, and Latok Camry’s Man Thursday, pretender and usurper PR Speaker Sani Gana, summoned in I Polis Raja. Thank God they did not open fire like they did in Kent State in 1970! When written in Chinese, the word "crisis" is composed of two characters. One represents danger and the other represents opportunity,” a concerned JFK mused as his finger traced a sinuous arc on Marilyn’s spine.

“I warned Latok Camry long nights ago of a tryst with destiny!” volunteered Nehru as he gazed deeply into Edwina’s blue eyes.

“Let’s summarise his achievements shall we,” said a very business-like Lincoln:-

1. Arguably ‘in office’ for 3 months.
2. Created 2 MB’s Assembly Line.
3. Created 2 Speakers Assembly Line.
4. Created 2 Excos Assembly Line.
5. Major campaign – Camry car auction (none sold).
6. Tried to bar the Press from the Assembly Line.
7. Caused major disruption of the Auto Assembly Line process.
8. Thrown out of Assembly Line – once, in 3 months.

“That's all? Not exactly a World Cup Winning achievement, is it?” asked the Great Pele. “So, who will tell him the sad news? Ghandhi? Mandela?”

“Oh, we’ll leave it to Nizar, I think. Most appropriate wouldn’t you say? Poetic justice and all that? And remind Nizar to give that little speech about God, King, Country and all that would you please?’’ advised Mandela to Pele.

“Oh, and which Country would that be Nelson?” asked a smiling Pele.

“You know. Surely you know what I mean or do I have to spell it out for Latok
Camry? The Country without a tree?”

donplaypuks® with my assembly line-up, man!!
the kangaroo hop song with adam sandler

A LITTLE BLACK NUMBER!

I can't be in Ipoh today. Sad!

But I'll wear something black as a sign of solidarity, ok!

And if I get arrested and the cop says 'Anything you say can and will be HELD against you' , my reply, so sue me, will be:

'VENESSA WILLIAMS!!'

I'll be slipping into something black tonight. Between the sheets, skin to skin, as Mandingo once said.

Yo, Chicken George, Le Roy, Snoop, Fat Boy Slim and Boys to Women, anyone gotta problem with dat?

What about you?

Boys and Girls, pick your own black number.

donplaypuks® with the State of my assembly, man!

RINGGIT, ringgit? RINGGIT, ringgit? RINGGIT, ringgit?

or how malayan frogs (katak) mate and hop

by david attentionboro hopalong cassidy, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for wild life on 1 discovery affairs

ring-git!ring-git!ring-git! ting-a-ling! you can ring my bell!

And for today’s episode we shall forage deep into the heartland of the Malayan Peninsula where the yellow and orange striped tiger still roams in the tropical jungle, the leathery crocodile teems in the mosquito-infested and malaria ridden swamp, the rogue grey elephant lays waste to banana grove and the wild see-no-evil, hear-no-evil, do-no-evil monkey still runs the Peoples' Administration!

In this green lung of the world, wild boar is yet hunted in the rubber estates of Slim River and Tanjung Malim (malim - a Malay sea captain), forest areas the size of a football field disappear daily ravaged by the voracious Malayan Palm Oil Planter and national football teams fail against schoolboys' sides!

And here, (pant!pant!) deep in the Malayan Rainforest and from our vantage point high on top of the emerald and verdant Perak State Hills of grossly quarried and collapsed limestone caves, we shall peer through the penetrating lenses of our cameras.

And lo and behold what does my little eye spy in Jelapang District? Why it's none other than the UNUSUAL species of the amphibious Malayan Frog (katak) scientifically classified under the Linnaearse system as Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or commonly referred to as the Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog for its wily and cunning ways.

Let us study the lifestyle and habits of this Jelapang frog found close to the edge of the large paddy fields bordering the B-grade link road to Ipoh just after the infamous ‘death trap’ Jelapang Toll Highway. Unusual, since frogs (and toads too as there is actually no real difference in their Biologies) generally tend to mate after the tiniest of downpours, by the hundreds and thousands, laying and fertilising externally millions of eggs in one go, and nowhere else in the world can one find an area infested with only the female of the species!

Many a lorry driver entering the B-Grade link road, woud soon be looking for a ‘quickie’ along the dilapidated row of old colonial houses now frequented and patronised by ladies of altruistic nightly leisure. He would, after satiating his beastly sordid appetite there, head for the paddy fields to fill up a sackload or two with these Jelapang female frogs for sale in the night markets of Ipoh, the capital city of Perak.

The female frogs would not put up a fight, their only sign of protest being a sad whispered sigh of ‘yfh, yfh! yfh, yfh!yfh, yfh!’ and flicking their long sticky tongues hither and thither.! This strange species has been known to migrate via mysterious channels to as far as Hong Kong and Taiwan to find suitable mates!

It is for these reasons that the Malayan Frog, Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog is more commonly referred to here as the ‘Jelapang Prostitute’ and ‘Confirmed Frustrated Old Maid.’

As we now train our sights on nearby picture-perfect Changkat Jering, we are reminded of Kashmir; such is the natural beauty of this ‘God’s own garden’ as to bring us to our knees and cause tears to well up in our eyes. And here, nestling among the sparkling homes of Retired Army Captains, Navy Admirals and Oarsmen, resides the most unusual of the Malayan Frog which carries $100,000 wads of bank notes in its pouch!

At any time of the year, not just during the mating season in rainy Oct-Dec, these tiny, short-cloaca’d (arsed) Changkat Jering frogs could be seen hopping about with gay abandon, rending the air around the watery fields and river banks with what might sound like, ‘Ringgit, ringgit? Ringgit, ringgit? Ringgit, ringgit?’ (Money, money? Money, money? Money, money?)

And like the nightly burst of fireflies in Kuala Selangor, out would emerge from the bushes these strange men in long, dark trenchcoats with sackloads of money on weighing scales in their hands and shouting back something like, ‘Lompat, lompat? Lompat, lompat? Lompat, lompat?’ (Jump, jump? Jump, jump? Jump, jump?).

And dabnabbit, if the CJ frogs did not respond with ‘Berapa Tinggi? Berapa Tinggi? Berapa Tinggi?’ (How High? How High? How High?).

And so these delightful oral and verbal exchanges in nature’s frontyard would result in an offer that could not be refused and would end in a marvellous cacophony of Beethovenesque celestial music. You have to be at the CJ Ensemble Assembly personally to hear, see and believe it!

It is for these reasons that the Malayan Frog Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog is more commonly referred to in Changkat Jering as ‘Katak Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark’.

And as we come to the end of our long, exhausting and arduous journey through the humidity and smelter furnace-like heat of the Silver State, we have time for just one more stop at Behrang by the Bernam River, home of the Malayan Frog which is not above flicking its sticky tongue into China frogs during the mating season, which is on any day that ends with a ‘Y.’

The Behrang Frog is a delectable over-performing randy little nipper bugger of mixed parentage whose sexual appetite can be aroused by the mere sight of splayed wet web or a shake of tympanic or nictitating membrane! Shall we then fault it for engaging (pant! pant!)in nights (and days too) of orgiastic debauchery when locked up against it’s will and religion with a bevy of the female of the amphibious species referred to in Butterworth and Georgetown in Penang as ‘China Dolls’? Or with socialist minded femme fatale ‘Ang Moh’ female Lara Zhivago frogs from Moscow and Vladivostok? Or with altruistic ‘We are Siamese, if you please; We are Siamese if you don't please; We are Siamese, to hell with Chinese!’ 3-way cane toads from Phatpong in Bangkok? Or.........

No! Never! Who shall cast the first stone, even if it is likely to strike only a Crocodile Leather Ecolack Briefcase filled to the brim with mere million dollar Bearer Bond Certificates?

The Malayan Frog, Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog is aptly labelled in Behrang by the Bernam River as ‘Casanova Bangali Kondai’ (Sick Casonova) for its staying power and astounding stamina!

And so, as the sun sets, raindrops begin to spatter, and here and there rainbows emblazon the skies with promised buried treasures. The eternal cycles of the seasons play out their cosmic dance as we take leave of the panaromic Malayan landscape where you can buy land for $3 psf today and sell it for $28 psf tomorrow, all guaranteed by the most assiduous of Simian Administrators who will then sponsor hopping frogs to study food and agricultural techniques in Taiwan and Hong Kong!

The concluding part to this mould-hopping series on the amphibious life found in the cranny and cracks of South East Asia will reveal the last of the unique variety of the Malayan Frog Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog known locally in Bota District by the Perak River as the ‘Katak Double Agent 007 1/2 OHMIQ’ or the ‘Frog that turned, got frognapped and went home with it’s tail between its cloaca (arse)’.

Do tune in next week to understand all the bald facts about this fascinating frog from Bota in Perak!

donplaypuks® with my michelin guide recommended ‘sautant cuisses de grenouille’ (jumping frogs legs), man!

THY KINGDOM COME! or 'between my thighs!'

by lord denning, master of the rolls, jams, sandwiches and cookies, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for vice and legal affairs













The FIVE VICE MEN sat in stony silence in their Ivory Tower Plaza chamber pots.

“Well, bugger me! The Cuntstitution says that neither the validity of any proceedings in the Casino Royale Estate Management Assembly nor the conduct of any Toddy Speaker thereof can be questioned in any Court, for forever and a day! Dammit Sheriff Alladdjin, are they serious? We can’t even say it’s irrelevant and expunge the entire Casino Royale Estate Management Assembly and that Toddy Speaker?” lamented a shaken and stirred whisky-water St.Pee Saul.

“I think you have handled one too many sodo mee tainted noodles cases and need a break, St. Pee Saul. But it does look like our goose is cooked. We have to uphold The Cuntstitution. There’s no way out. We can't shoot the Cuntstitution bandicoot!” voiced a sad and forlorn looking Colt .45 toting Sheriff Alladdjin of the 40 Thieves.

“Well, could we not, so as not to put too fine a point on it, ignore The Cuntstitution? I mean it was drafted 50 years ago and they had no idea then that we are being threatened by Zionist and Satan Burning Bush conspirators. We should ditch The Cuntstitution bitch!” protested a visibly angry and upset Warden Zack the Hack.

“Yes, let’s suspend The Cuntsitution. We can say it’s faulty because it confers absolute immunity to Lord Shiva, the Casino Royale Estate Management Assembly Toddy Speaker. That’s not cricket, wot? We should wring the Cuntstitutionla string!” thundered Marionette Manniquin, The Hanging Judge.

“We might as well hang ourselves if we take that route. The Doctrine of Separation of Powers, that’s mean we can’t make the law. Besides, the Speaker does not have absolute powers or immunity. He can be disciplined or voted out by a majority of the MP's in a State Assembly session. Slam dunk, we are sunk and Ho, Ho, Ho!” opined the Honourable Nicholas Hashamed.

“In that case, first let’s call Casino Royale and give him the bad news!” announced Sheriff Alladdjin of the 40 Thieves.

“Don forget his son Poker Nazgul Royale. He’s poised to take over the Casino Royale Estate Integrated Resorts! ” reminded St.Pee Saul.

“Yes, but don ignore the daughter either, Vesper Lynd Roulette Royale of Roadmudabanditunitedengineers Plc who has the beauty, brains, money AND THE SHARES!” warned Warden Zack The Hack.

“But we can’t consult Casino Royale, surely? That would be sub-jaundiced would it not? If news leaked out, we will have yellow egg-yolk all over our faces! The New State Parsley Sage Rosemary Thighmes & Star-dusty newspapers would have a field day on our legal posteriors not to mention that interfering busy-body cock, Raja Petrel!” warned Marionette Manniquin, The Hanging Judge.

“Let’s pick his brains anyway. He might have a solution for us, ok?” ruled Sheriff Alladdjin of the 40 Thieves.

Peeponpeeponpeepon...012....

“Wei? Hurro, this is Ngah. Why you corr me? Is it Lord Shiv...Hurro, hurro? Ngeh, what’s happening mah. This Minimaximus handphone company ah, 1 day got 1,000 drop calls one. Can’t make manee the honest way, is it? Kanee....Mas be dat Jelapang prostitute trying hoax corrs on me again, is it? Chou ch....bai!”

“Wtf, wrong number. Let’s try again,” mumbled a red-faced St.Pee Saul.

Peeponpeeponpeepon...019....

“My name is Bond, Merdeka Casino Royale Bond. Who is this peasant who dares call me in the middle of a hookey game?”

“Bond, Merdeka Bond! Sorry, wrong number! Got Khazanah by mistake,” moaned a red-faced St.Pee Saul.

“You stupid fool! Been drinking cheap Soora on the job again? That is him, Casino Royale. Call him back and apologise quickly!” groaned Sheriff Alladdjin of the 40 Thieves.

Peeponpeeponpeepon...019....

“My name is Bond, Merdeka Casino Royale Bond. Who is this peasant who dares call me in the middle of a nookey game?”

“A thousand apologies, your Greatness. We have bad news for you. There’s no way out. We have checked and re-checked The Cuntstitution. We have to rule against the Merdeka Casino Royale Bond Estate and in favour of the Casino Royale Estate Management Toddy Speaker!” whispered St.Pee Saul.

“Listen Pee Brain. Let me put it to you this way. How would the merry band of the 5 of you like to pay a 20 year visit In Secluded Activity at Villa Kamunting? You get my drift?” shot back Merdeka Casino Royale Bond.

“Bbbb...bbut, was it not you who once said ‘under normal circumstances, it is taken for granted that the Merdeka Casino Royale Bond would not withhold his consent to a request for dissolution of ......Estate.. His role is purely formal.’ We cannot compromise the integrity of Justice and the doctrine of separation of powers, surely?” pleaded St.Pee Saul.

“Listen backdoorsman peckerhead, how would you like a bottle up where the sun don’t shine? Don’t quote me to my face!” screamed an extremely upset Merdeka Casino Royale Bond.

“Perhaps you could offer us some informal advice and assistance?” grovelled Sheriff Alladdjin of the 40 Thieves.

“I wonder if there is anything I might say that might persuade you Five Vice Men to consider recasting that sentence in question so as to transfer the emphasis from the specific instance to the abstract concept, without impairing the conceptual integrity of our subject matter? Hrrmph! Did you get that you faggot woodlice? This town ain’t big enough for US and that Casino Royale Estate Management Assembly Toddy Speaker . And get this straight, I ain’t the one who will be leaving!” roared a majestic Merdeka Casino Royale Bond.

“Gosh, yes! How stupid of me! I’ll call you back, Sir!” oozed Sheriff Alladdjin of the 40 Thieves.

“You got all that? Fuck me! I thought I understood Queens English!” mused a clearly amused St.Pee Saul . “I thought it was a bit shitty of Merdeka Casino Royale Bond, though.”

“Of course! You would know all about being anal retentive. Didn’t you get the message? When in doubt, WAFFLE!” explained Sheriff Alladdjin of the 40 Thieves.

And they all said loudly, “Of course. Stupid of me!” and slapped their foreheads and then each other’s foreheads and then knuckled the top of their skulls and each other's skulls. “Touch wood!” they chorused in perfect unison.

“Yes, of course. We won’t mention anything about The Cuntstitution. We’ll just say it’s illegal and against the rules of natural justice and pass the buck to the Government of Maha Rosemajib. Case closed. Nuff said!” pronounced Sheriff Alladdjin of the 40 Thieves triumphantly.

Peeponpeeponpeepon...019....

“My name is Bond, Merdeka Casino Royale Bond. Who is this peasant who dares call me in the middle of a phockey game?”

“It is us, The Five Vice Men. We have good news. We were able to recast the decision from the specific instance to the abstract concept, without impairing the conceptual integrity of ourselves or yourselves.

“Well done, gentlemen. In that case, roll the dice!” beamed an exultant Merdeka Casino Royale Bond.

donplaypuks® with my merdeka casino royale bond, man!

AN ACCIDENTAL INQUIRY INTO THE ACCIDENTAL SUICIDE DEATH OF A.COOGIE, AN ANARCHIST!

by sherlock poirot charlie chan dario FO, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for dick’s minds

The August Post Mortem Commission of the greatest detectives and medical minds in the World rose as one body to acclaim, applaud and congratulate the outstanding, sole and unchallenged winner of the ‘2009 Nobel Correct,Correct,Correct Prize’, I. American M.D.

The Commission, chaired by I. American M.D., had been ably assisted by Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot and Charlie Chan with watching briefs held by AG Ganesh Patel, I Raja Polis Big Moose, eleven I Polis Raja from Peace Hill Resort district and Kapak Singh MP for Altant.., opps sorry can't say that, I mean that Chinese Mongolian blackmailing bitch Aminah Baginda.

The Commission had just concluded its unanimous finding that the death of suspected but surely guilty one Anarchist A. Coogie was wholly, exclusively and necessarily due to a regrettable ACCIDENTAL SUICIDE and that it was a true and fair verdict. Coogie had been arrested as a suspected but surely guilty one Anarchist, Al Qaeda General and peddler of illegal DVD’s of the popular computer game ‘Grand Theft Auto.’

Coogie had been collared the previous month at the Klang Hitman Pasar Malam (Night Market) near the abandoned $30 million new Bus Station and taken to the Peace Hill Resort People Friendly Incarceration and Interrogation Tea Party Centre, for counselling and ‘friendly’ advice. At some point in time of a murky and hazy night, Coogie had, overcome by remorse and deep shame, suddenly cut loose from a ring of 11 interrogators and flung himself to death through the 3rd Floor window of the tea room.

The findings of the Commission are classified under the draconian OSIBISA – Official Secrets, Intelligence, Banking and Internal Security Act. However, donplaypuks® managed to obtain loose transcripts of the Commission of Inquiry’s proceedings from its garbage disposal can and after piecing them together, has decided to share these excerpts with the Public in the interest of justice, at the risk of being sub-judice and being invited via a Mareva Injunction to take a friendly tour of the picturesque Peace Hill Resort.
...........................
I.American M.D.

So, we can ignore the 2 PM’s?

11 I Polis Raja chorus

Absolutely! Ignore them! Don lah korek, korek, korek!

I Raja Polis

That’s right. Maha Firaun and Maharosemajib have nothing to do with it.

I American M.D.

Idiot! I meant the two Post Mortems, not Prime Ministers. The cause of death was Pulmonary Enema.

AG Ganesh Patel

You mean they beat the shit out of Coogie? That’s MURDER!!

Sherlock Holmes

I say old chap, what’s Pulmonary Enema? Watson?

Dr.Watson

Alimentary, my dear Holmes!

I.American M.D.

Imbeciles! I meant Pulmonary Edema exacerbated by Myocardial Infarction aggravated by acute malfunction of the Renal Sub-Filtrate System with possible contributory factors arising from External Blunt Force Trauma.

I Raja Polis/AG Ganesh Patel

We no spik German. Please translate to English.

Charlie Chan

Water accumulation in the lungs caused by failure of the kidneys and a swelling of the heart due to having the shit beaten out of him by a rubber truncheon, perhaps?

I.American M.D.

No! No! No! No rubber truncheons. It was suicide. He jumped of his own accord from the 3rd Floor window at Peace Hill Resort.

11 I Police Raja chorus

Fell of his own accord! Accidental Suicide!

AG Ganesh Patel

Even though he was handcuffed behind his back and there were 11 I Polis Raja with him at that time?

I.American M.D.

That’s right. He was apparently a sprinter of some renown having been trained by Olympic and World Champ, Usain Bolt.

Hercule Poirot

And managed to leap 15 feet high and slip through the iron bars of the window on the 3rd Floor, while handcuffed behind his back?

I.American M.D.

Sounds incredible, I confess. But you know these oily Indians from Klang. The ‘Orang Minyak’ (Oily Man) is a well known Gang of thieves. They are superbly fit and can slip through the eye of a needle.

Sherlock Holmes

But the PM does not state anything about broken bones, only numerous torture lacerations on the skin and blunt trauma marks.

I.American M.D.

You will recall that the body was compromised by members of Coogie’s family and two Members of Parliament when they barged into the morgue at the hospital. They fixed the bones, planted the scars and engineered gaping holes and bruises on the body.

11 I Police Raja chorus

They fixed it! Shame and Perfidy! Red Card, MP’s!

Dr. House

What about the 2nd Independent Post Mortem. The provisional cause of death (pending toxicology) was stated as due to acute renal failure due to Rhabdomyolysis?

I.American M.D.

I no spik Bangla!

Dr. Mark ‘Ace’ Kolmar

Breakdown of skeletal muscle tissue due to having the shit beaten out of him by blunt force trauma rubber truncheons, perhaps?

I.American M.D.

Well, these foreign doctors from Bangladesh and Burma. What can we say? It may be common in Dhaka, but not here in 1 Malaysia, 1 Nation, Just Do it. Kami Bolih!

11 I Polis Raja chorus

Common in Dhaka, Bangladesh. How sad!

Dr. Kildare

What did your inspection of Coogie’s body reveal?

I.American M.D.

No, no.There was no need. I just went through the files and photos of the 2 PM’s and expertly deduced from my armchair that there was no foul play whatsoever!

11 I Polis Raja chorus

Expertly deduced from his armchair. No foul play whatsoever. Nudge, Nudge! Wink, Wink!

Kapak Singh MP

Why did the kidneys, lungs and heart fail? Surely, the cause of death must be determined?

I.American M.D.

The cause of death was the heart stopped beating and the brain stoppe functioning. But of course we could not establish the heart had expanded. But this is normal in the case of Malaysian Indian 'Grand Theft Auto' suspects but surely guilty one !

Charlie Chan

Whoa, so congvingnience one, ah? Even if police bullet is found in body, you only conclude 'died from bleeding, heart stopped beating?'

Dr. Ben Casey

What was the clincher? I mean what was THE evidence that led you to your learned opinion?

I.American M.D.

The Suicide Note.

11 IPR chorus

Suicide Note? That’s rum!

Sherlock Holmes

He wrote a Suicide Note while fully handcuffed behind his back and in the presence of 11 I Polis Raja and they don’t know about it? Can I take a look at it?

I.American M.D.

Sorry, no can do. Barred by OSIBISA, I’m afraid. And sub-judice.

11 I Polis Raja chorus

Barred by OSIBISA, Whew!

I.American M.D.

But I can read excerpts from it. Here goes:
‘Yang benar Appa, Amma and Sujatha (my beloved mistress).. jika you receiving this letter you vill be knoving dat I yam kaput. But, I must telling the truth to the whole verld.......
I yam yaddicted to ‘Grand Theft Auto’ video game and yam on a mission to make yit a Glocal success selling yit in the Night Markets of the world............
11 I Polis Raja have nothing to do with beating the shit out of my body with blunt force trauma rubber truncheons leading to Pulmonary Enema exacerbated by Myocardial Infarction aggravated by acute malfunction of the Renal Sub-Filtrate System or Rhabdomyolysis Breakdown of skeletal muscle tissue, pending toxicology.....
I yam deeply ashamed by my yactions and have decided to yaccidentally kammit swiside!.There’s nothing more I can say........

11 I Polis Raja chorus

Yaccidentally kammit swiside! What more is there to say!

Sherlock Holmes

Brilliant I.American M.D. You have convinced us. A true Professional. It felt like, looked like and smelled like Murder or Beating the shit out of the body with blunt force trauma rubber truncheons. But I was so obviously wrong. You have covered up all the angles beautifully.

I.American M.D.

Yes, we have covered it all up exceedingly well, what Holmes!

11 I Polis Raja chorus, I Raja Polis and AG Ganesh Patel

Yes! Covered it all up exceedingly well! Correct, correct, correct. Hip, hip hooray to I.American M.D.!

donplaypuks® with my post mortems, man!!

DEATH BY KUMQUAT JUICE SQUEEZE!

by ben casey kildare house m.d., donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for coronary inquest affairs

I had all this money my father had collected over the years from ardent admirers and just plain bloody-minded altruists like telekoms and toll highway operators who kept making donations without him ever soliciting for it. Billions of it!!

So, I had to launder all this money through original and innovative businesses and Mother Teresa personal finance schemes. So, I opened an office and hired Kim Basinger as my secretary. Why Kim Basinger you ask, you peasant coolie busybody? Well, when opportunity and wherewithal meets drop-dead bod fantasy there is only one possible outcome. I hired her and boy, did I gamble right !!

Kim was the best office manager I ever had. In fact she was the only office manager I ever had with whom I had a thothally platonic friendship!

Then one day she wanted to buy a house. She wanted $ 1 million and suggested I consult my wife, her best friend with whom I had a very open, mature relationship. But I knew the old hag would not ever be interested in such mundane matters like loaning $1,000K without any reason to her best friend who was the only office manager I ever had. So, that’s how I gave $250K outright to the best and only office manager I ever had who tried to have me. I arranged a bank loan for the balance of $250K even though her credit rating was such that AIG and Citybank would have rejected her application !

Then somehow the staffs got to know about Kim buying a house and my super generous-to-a-fault soft nature. So, Simran, the best secretary I ever had asked for and got a $150K fully-serviceable personal loan for a car. And, Aishwaria the best two books book-keeper I ever had squeezed a $100K fully-accountable loan to settle her mother’s miscarriage medical bills. Ah yes, I must not forget Padmini the best tea lady I ever had and Sneha the best receptionist I ever had who wanted $50K after-office serviceable loans for airfares to Chennai to sort out family affairs.

Then there were all these general staffs. Trisha, Genelia, Illena, Anushka, Shriya, Kajol, Bhumika and Deepika. The best ever platonic general staffs I ever had. Some wanted fully-serviceable loans to buy cars, deposit for house, Deepavali shopping, hire studies, holiday to Bali and Kashmir and seminars to improve their intercourse, oratory, interpersonal and social skills.

Gosh, they did have great and very original needs for all kinds of serviceable loans. I must have been hit for a seven figure sum in total in fully-serviceable loans. Even Gemini, the best ever office and messenger boy I never had; even he whacked me for $50K to continue his further education and PhD thesis titled ‘Bollywood vs Hollywood.’ Many, even though they were not my staffs would beg me for fully serviceable study loans lah, car loans lah, car loan guarantees lah, housing loans lah, medical bills loans lah ad infinitum. I refused none and obliged all. That’s a legacy my father passed on to me!

But it’s strange that my wife stood guarantor for my chauffer Sivaji. Can’t fathom why she had a soft spot for him!

Just when I thought it was all over, Kim calls me one fine day about her gonad problem and severe ache. I mean what am I, her personal doctor? So, I tell Kim in jest to drink a glass of freshly squeezed ripe Kumquat fruit juice, C4 grade, (an ancient Indiana cure mentioned in the Upanishads, I lie to her) to ease the painful contractions and hang up in anger. I mean like she’d have Kumquat fruits just lying about in her fridge or growing in her backyard!

Fuck me if I wasn’t gobsmacked next when Kim’s brother calls me from New Zealand in panic and says she’s collapsed at home suspected of accidentally swallowing toxic Kumquat juice? I mean jeeze, what is the statistical probability? I rush over to Kim’s house, I mean jeeze I just happened to have the keys to her front door and bedroom and then got the driver to break all speed records to get her admitted to the emergency ward at the GH in Bangkok. Yeah, I know the local GH was just ten minutes away, but I didn’t want to take any chances and besides my machan who was a doctor there (and who has since left for private practice) could give Kim 100% attention.

But it was sad, very sad. I shed a million tears. When I got to the Bangkok GH, Kim had departed to the next world. I mean there she was curled up in a foetal position looking so beautiful and dead! It took me weeks to recover, though for the life of me I could not grasp why she was in the MATERNITY WARD. Then I heard one of Kim’s relatives, a 3rd or 4th cousin once or twice removed I don’t know, instructing the doctors, as is the norm in our country, not to perform any autopsy or post mortem so as not to violate the sanctity of her body and innocence. Now the body has been cremated and we cannot confirm that Kim died of ‘gonadial post-coital premature water bag bursitis induced by poisonously squeezed Kumquat Juice (C4 grade) imbibation.’

Why, what should I do with my life now? There seems no reason to go on. Kim is dead, the body is missing, witnesses have disappeared, the police have no evidence, no motive can be established for any foul play and the bottle of Kumquat Juice (C4 grade) cannot be located!

Wait, there is a higher, noble cause I could aspire to. I know, I’ll enter politics and maybe Pakatan will offer me the post of Ambassador to Mongolia. Gosh, I've got it! Let me go for Gold. I'll try to become the next Prime Minister!

Daddy, Zaid, you think HRH will object?

donplaypuks® with poisonously squeezed kumquat juice, man!

RAINTREE SENTENCED TO HANGING BY TRAINEE JUDGE

by arnaud dubus du da colon, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for Berak State of affairs












In yet another twist to the excrement that will not be flushed away in Berak State, trainee judge Dato Sir Yang Arif Nomore Usman Shanks (ANUS) announced a decision that caused severe diahoerria in the legal world and beyond.

ANUS, a graduate of the (in)famous Masjid India Holburnemholeindapocket Law College and a former salaried sleeping partner at legal firm Messrs. Sue, Grabbit & Run, speaking in a cell phone interview with ace hack Rockyhorrorbrewshow of the New State Parsley Sage Rosemary Thighmes Newspaper while performing number 2 bodily function seated on his Throne, confirmed that,

“...In accordance with the various provisions of the State Penile & Anile Codes, the World infamous Berak State Raintree shall be taken by its nether roots, hung by its tallest branch until it breathes no more and then put to fire, the ashes to be thrown into the sea as just and fair punishment for unauthorised provision of shady assistance to illegal assemblers, being an accessory before, during and after the fact and aiding and abetting in the public discharge of anti-Government and anti-Royal sentiments against the order of Nature.”

Yang ANUS confirmed that he had arrived at his historic unprecedented decision in his chamber pot after hearing trickling and steamy convoluted groaning arguments on Constipational issues from lawyers representing the legal Berak Chief Speaker, Chief Got Cojones and the illegal Berak Chief Minister, Chief Defecating Bull & Blood, Phd.

Yang ANUS broke new wind over grounds that regardless of long-standing provisions in the Federal Constipational Laws, Chief Got Cojones could neither represent himself nor engage any lawyer other than Chief Shaman Uranus, Berak State’s Chief Legal Orificer, to defend him in court. Chief Got Cojones had allegedly convened an illegal and Unconstipational Shitting of the Berak State Pow Wow session under the shade of the said Raintree in question, caveat emptor and e & eo excepted!

Yang ANUS was adamant that there were no provisions in Berak State’s Conspitation for a public Standing Pow Wow of the Chiefs or Piss Pipe Smoking. He was further incensed that Chief Got Cojones and his Braves had obstinately refused to hire Tepee-style Tents for $ 6 million Ringgit from the authorities to hold their meeting in, but had instead conducted a shitting of the Berak State Assembly while standing up beneath the boughs of the said Raintree in question, caveat emptor, e & eo excepted!

Yang ANUS was reportedly peeved and pissed off at having to spend a disproportionate length of time dealing with Chief Got Cojones when he had pileing up in his chamber pot deposits of ‘more important’ case files of public concern.

Meanwhile, Berak State Chief of I Polis Raja, Chief Geronimonomoremoney admitted that he had erred in supporting the Chief Secretary of Berak State Assembly in locking up the Assembly Hall thus preventing Chief Cojones and his Braves from conducting their open meeting behind closed doors.

“All our men, including myself, had early morning pressing issues and we were bogged down by orders from our superiors in Peace Hill Resort to flush these shysters, very red Indians and Zionist conspirators out in the open. We can honestly say that we kept the piece as is our sworn duty.”

Elsewhere, Chief Got Cojones in confirming he would be appealing against the ruling by Yang Anus, confirmed,

“We have retained Tom Hagen, one-time Attorney at Law for Puzo, Corleone, Santino, Michael, Fredo, Luca, Clemenza, Solozzo, Connie, Mario & Luigi, specialist in family protection, offer and honour, horse heads, cosa nostra, Las Vegas, machoness, mano a mano, and sleeping wit da fish to represent us. We shall be filing our appeal to the Federal Court of Constipation.

We understand that a panel of 3 senior judges headed by Yang Arif Wan Hung Lo (whose descending judgement in the strained dispute case of Hernia vs Piles is a legal classic) will be hearing our appeal. We are confident that our Law Lords will see through the single-ply thin tissue of lies that have been used to prevent me from exercising my rights as Chief Got Cojones of Berak State.”

However, the illegal Berak Chief Minister, Chief Defecating Bull & Blood, Phd, maintained that,
“This is all nonsense. HRH has sac Chief Got Cojones and his boss from da Berak State and I have been legally appointed Chief of Berak State. Why, I have retained Messrs. Basset,Hound,Chase,Mount,Shaft & Whackdemallalotmore to defend me against these imposters and pretenders. The indigestion they are going to be hit with will make the Kerala and Madras runs seem like a mild case of mamak mee goreng food poisoning!”

In BREAKING NEWS at the capital, outgoing sleeping flip-flop PM Rip Van Winkle was categorically reported as saying,

“There is no rumour to the truth that my running into at a Prophet Mohamad Birthday bash, bro Sir Abim Obasama, the de facto leader of the opposition, was a planned affair.

Nor did we discuss sacking the PM designate Rosemajib in view of fresh allegations about the Mongolian Ambassador case in the French newspaper ‘Liberation’ or the Constipation fiasco in Berak State where trainee judges have refused to consult senior federal judges and made Unconstipational decisions.

Nor about calling for fresh elections in Berak State as it is patently obvious to a new-born baby that’s HRH’s illegal Berak Chief Minister, Chief Defecating Bull & Blood, Phd does not command the respect or support of the majority of the PEOPLE of Berak State. Though, yes, I do agree it is a shitty state of affairs!

No, he talked about it while I listened and enjoyed the goat cojones rendang and other rare delicacies!

Nor is there is any rumour to the truth that I am a PAS supporter in sheep’s clothings just because my paternal grandfather from the Middle East was the founder of PAS!”

donplaypuks® with my Federal Constipation, man!!

SATAN USA CAN? WE CAN, THREE!!

by showmedamoney ramani, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for recessi and depressi affairs













In the month that was, good ‘ol US of A rabid sub-prime capitalism brought itself to its knees in ways that clearly proved that there is one rule for the elite, well-connected croney (fake) capitalist and his million $ bonus (each) earning management team and another for pesky main street wage earners who perenially dare to moan about their 3% annual wage rise and 1-2 month’s pro-rated bonus.

Amazingly, there is yet another rule for the auto industry which had the temerity to beg for a mere $34 million bailout. Stupid gits!! They should have come out with guns blazing with a demand, not a mere piddly, piffling $34 billion begging bowl, for a $1 TRILLION rescue package OR ELSE!! That would have got Secretary of Treasury Henry Poultry and Fed Chairman Ben Bananacakes running around like chickens with their heads cut off and forced Congress, admittedly at the point of gun-barrel diplomacy, to apply the same degree of (utter lack of) transparency, fair rules and standards in shovelling out largesse faster than you can say CRONEY BAILOUT. With funds extorted and misappropriated from the already bleeding Taxpayer, under the Troubled Assets Relief Program (TARP).

However, the auto czars did not have to throw even a rubber sole, let alone a whole camel leather Arab shoe, for Bush to leap to their rescue. After all, he was only pre-empting Obama!

TARP? American have not only a filthy secret desire and national agenda to murder Queen’s English but to also conquer Afghanistan, Iraq, N.Korea and the rest of the world too, with misspelt words like ‘Program’ and ‘Color’ while creating WMD’s (Words of Mass Destruction) with verbicised obscenities such as ‘Helming’ and 'Tasked.' This American national past-time is championed too by Microsoft which has as one of its principle aims the universal proliferation of stress, by forcing you to check/uncheck English (US) and English (UK) in its Word Spell-Check and Language Tool !!

This penchant is frequently compounded with creating American-speak like ‘Troubled Assets Relief Program’ when what they really mean is ‘Taxpayer Bailout Shit’. You ever wonder why they say ‘gas’ for ‘petrol’ and ‘check’ for ‘bill’ and then why there has been a 2000% increase over the last ten years in incidences of people, especially the young, suffering from gastritis, gall stones and kidney stones across the world? You think it’s mere coincidence? Believe me, in the end, our civilization will collapse from this dual-mode UK and US English and not financial mismanagement!!

Note too that this is an endemic disease that afflicts all countries with a British colonial past. The Aussie penchant for mouthing an 'o’ where none exists as in ‘loike’ or that universally condemned greeting of ‘g’die mite’ is a form of cancer. Of course the ‘recalcitrant’ Mahathir could not resist taunting Downunder denizens with ‘the rine in Spine fawlls minely on the pline’! In Bolehland we steal without conscience and conjure up ‘visi’, ‘misi’ and ‘sessi’. Reliably informed sources have leaked to donplaypuks® that Dewan Bahasa & Pustaka is writhing in agony over whether it should add ‘fisi’ ( fission) to the looted local vocabulary in the wake of Tenaga Nasional Berhad’s mulling over whether it should go nuclear.

But the icing on the cake that demonstrated the complete collapse of Pax Capitalism is the $50 billion Boinie Madhoff (you want I should tell you he is Kosher) fraud bonfire of the vanities, which has not only seen 1 suicide as of today, but a willingness by the Fed to rescue troubled Hedge Funds. Yes, Hedge Funds. The same vermin who have been thwarting all attempts by the SC to register and regulate them. Yes, Hedge Funds. The same low-life who in the first place are partly, if not substantially, culpable for the farming out of toxic sub-prime mortgages tarted up as sound risk-free investments and for wanton speculation on anything from oil to metals to currencies to soya beans and pork futures!

Here is a failure not merely of business or enterprise. It is a failure that is so common that it’s amazing the Americans cannot (or is it will not) see it. It’s the same reason why Juande Ramos was sacked as Manager of Tottenham Hotspurs recently. It’s the same reason why those managing the Football, Hockey and Athletics Associations locally should all be booted out of their jobs lock, stock and barrel. A UNIVERSAL FAILURE OF LEADERSHIP AND MANAGEMENT AT THE TOP!

If only it stopped there. But no. It would appear that the fraudtrepreneurs in Bolehland, having seen the writing on the wall, have upped the ante, and are attemting to loot as much as possible before there is no more money or wealth left to squeeze out of the much molested and raped economy.

Make no mistake. The brazen attempt to ‘privatise’ by directly negotiated non-tendered out contract the National Heart Centre which sits on prime land a stone’s throw from the city centre. That suspicious $1.7 billion cash purchase of a loss making airport at inflated land price to thwart any attempt by the SC to scrutinise land valuation in a related party transaction, and the breathtaking proposal by that same party to sell back to Tenaga Nasional Bhd an unwanted excess capacity IPP at a whacking profit of billions. That $4.2 billion cover-up and further pouring of money into a bottomless hole at Free Trade Zone. That proposal to build a new Low Cost Carrier Terminal for $ 3 billion to mask development of otherwise ‘dead’ land when there is huge under utilised capacity at KLIA. And the purchase of Sukhoi Jets and Scorpene Submarines for $9 billion and the ‘postponed’ $1.6 billion purchase of Eurocopters fitted with never-to-be-used laser guided weapons systems and 34 other helicopters for the police force costing billions more.

These are all signs of management gone haywire and not lifting a finger to stanch the frittering away of scarce economic resources. Signs of conscienceless Management with a thieving and looting business mentality. The vultures who have long been profiting from weak SC’s all over the world, are now openly rifling through the pockets of the sickly carcass. What more can we say of a $70 million proposal from the Ministry of MsEntrepreneurship to send jobless graduates (presumably those from 1 Race) to special English (Manglish) Language courses to enhance their employment prospects? It’s game over, folks!

Our local Bourse too, like its counterparts in this region – New York, London, Paris, Munich, Tokyo and Sydney – has been, to put it mildly, sleeping on its watch. Not much more could have been expected with its incestuous listing on its own Stock Exchange! Thus the national car company could get away with camouflaging operating losses by including non-trading Government Grant as trading income while elegant silence was maintained when a major Telco reaped hundreds of millions of $ in additional profit from private placement of shares with indecent haste almost immediately after taking the company private.

Neither the economy of the USA nor of the Globe is going to recover from trillion dollar bailouts aimed at enticing the masses to once gain indulge in conspicuous corpulent consumption of gadgets and gizmos with built-in obsolescence or a philosophy of spending based on keeping an eye on the Jones’ while loading up on Debt like there’s no tomorrow. Whichever route Henry Poultry and Bananacakes take, they are going to lay a big fat egg because they have not understood what Keynes meant by Consumption. Modern economists and their Nobel Prize winning Gurus therefore speak Tower of Bablesque Jive Voodoo Economics – possible recession, depression, economic nuclear winter, inflation, deflation, stagflation, and God Almighty, now just WTF is Stag Deflation??!!

And this magic beans policy of cutting interest rates to zero? It too will not work. This is what Japan has been doing for more than a decade with no tangible signs of a real recovery. Why? Because the banks and financial institutions have not been publicly brought to book for their fraud, basic dishonesty and profligacy. The Wall St crooks and their ilk-thieves have factored into their business models that when push comes to shove, their friends in high places will shovel them out with TARP Taxpayer Bailout Shit. With such a licence at their disposal, anyone would GO FOR DA MONEY and not blink an eyelid when they screw old ladies out of their retirement home savings funds or factory workers out of their healthcare, pension and childrens' education funding plans.

As for Big Brother, the SC, ours is in the same somnaubulistic good company with those in this region – New York, London, Paris, Munich, Tokyo and Sydney. Self-regulation can no longer work as individial and collective greed has breached tsunami levels.

And if superpowers and past colonial masters should screw up their and the Global economy (and English Language) big time, why, we should outdo them THRICE over. We clearly have the capability, intent and pre-requisite overflowing greed to go with it!!

donplaypuks® with the future of the World, man!!

TOWERING GLOCAL MANGLISH

by, nimrod manglish, donplaypuks® intlepid collesponden for national ranguage affairs.















‘I seck enuff is enuff leh. We plefer tich Signs and Mads in mudder tongue in Vernacular School. We objek to tich Signs and Mads in Engrish. We propo the honoulable Master Planner of the Realm for Ejukashen stick to the Congstituishen and lespect honoulable parents’ wish for their chewdrens to be ejucate forrow their wish. We have no ploblem compulsory tich Signs and Mads in Bahasa Marasia or Engrish in Govermen or Plivate School. But in Chinese Vernacular School, we ingsist tich in mudder tongue, Mandalin. You ungderstang or not ah!’

So protested a very voluble, disturbed, furious and red-faced Running Dog Mao En Lai, Chairman of Long Dong Zonked Charsiu Pau Chinese Education Association.

‘Our cowture and ranguage is most impoten to us. Dis experimen ah, conpulsory to tich Signs & Mads in Engrish in Govt and Vernacular Schools, is vely, vely big fairure. It’s all the faurt of former Chief Master Planner of the Realm, Rama Maha Firaun The First who force us to chain to Engrish.

Now orr our chewdrens spik half pass sick Engrish, half-pass sick or no Chinese, half pass sick or no Tamil and half-pass sick or no Bahasa Malaysia. Our chewdren oso don appleciate our ancient Chinese cowture anymore. Orr interested ony in computer game, MTV, unlear learity show, disco, lap, shopping and lepak (hanging out) in shopping mawr. They don even watch Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan kung-fu movies nowaday. Ony watch Amelican Idor or Heloes mah!

Niamah!! We now plan big, vely big public plotes against Govermen if they don chain the system. Of courr, pissful plotes. But we not aflaid the mata mata (police), water cannon, pepper water or tear gas loh.

Meanwhile, Miki Moto Mukh San, newly elected MP and son of Rama Maha Firaun The First, filed a $100 million defamation lawsuit against leading newspapers in Kuala Lumpur High Court, including Buntutsan Toilet Newspaper, for publishing remarks apparently attributed to him for his stance on the Vernacular School system.

‘Konnichiwa. I regret that my proposal to have a single type of integrated national school system has been deliberately misquoted and quoted out of context by Zionist and United States of America Shaitan controlled news agencies and press, including I am surprised to note, The New State Parsley Sage Rosemary Thighmes Newspaper.

I did not say that Vernacular Schools will have to be closed down or abolished. Only that they will all have to follow a single system of teaching all subjects including English, in Bahasa Melayu. Like Singapore, we should stop all Government Per Capita and Development Grants to Vernacular Schools which elect not to integrate. With this policy, like the dinosaur, these Vernacular Schools will eventually extinctcise out.

Why, when I encountered having to study in Bahasa Malaysia, my honourable papa san packed me off to Japan and Shaitan United States of America. Arigato and Sayonara. Ai shiteru!’

Master Planner of The Realm for Lower, Middle, Higher and any other form @MsEducation.gov.con, Kerismuddin Onn The Wagon, when asked to comment on the Long Dong Zonked Charsiu Pau Chinese Education Association’s proposal, stressed vehemently that it was a ‘definite maybe’ that a dual system of education would be maintained.

‘It’s awfleh difficult what, to fathom what these blighter immigrants desire. Good Lord, why, when I encountered our superb national education system, my papa packed me off to Alice Smith’s in KL and then to London and Wales. Sure, it cost a small fortune, but it was worth every penny, millions of it, wot!

It was Rama Maha Firaun The First who changed the medium of instruction for Science and Maths to English some years ago to improve our students’ command of English. We all agreed it was a good move and swung into action with lightning speed. We inducted thousands of teachers with little or no command of English whatsoever into special English Language Teaching Training Courses. They all graduated brilliantly with honours and Phd’s in English, in five months!! Malaysia Boleh! (Malaysia Can!!). How extraordinary, dent you think, Jeeves?

Now, when we are near reaping the rich rewards of this switch to English, these Communists want to take a retrograde step. Hah, you think we with the culture of brandishing the Keris menacingly in public and the concept of Ketuanan Melayu (Malay Supremacy) firmly in place, are afraid of a few Communists manipulated by Western agitators? You think we are afraid of threats of public protests and demonstrations?

The last time these subversive urban terrorist elements tried this kind of cheap stunts, in 1987, Maha Firaun locked up 106 of them under the ISA (Internal Security Act). We will not hesitate to take strong action again these racists and demagogues.’

Responding to calls for clarification from the Indian community, Pallikuda Lingam, Chairman of Indraf (Indian Rights Action Force) Sangam, speaking from Chennai in India said,

‘Something firrm must be done about our Yeducation System. Ve see that our Universities are not featuring yin the top 200 yin the verld. Few of our children speak their mother tongue. Their command of Bahasa Malaysia yis wonly passable, while almost without yexception, most Malaysians nowadays yave an yinstinctive, brilliant command of ungrammatical yinventive Manglish.

Yin fact, many students yave a betterr command of Yinglish than their teachers. Believe me, that yis as pathetic as ve can get!! I yam proposing we yave one yintegrated schooling system with Bahasa Malaysia as the main language of instruction with Yinglish Language and grammar compulsory from Stanadard 1. Mother tongue and cultural concerns can be protected vith the re-yintroduction of Peoples’ Own Language yin wall schools. The teaching of Science and Maths yin Yinglish can be made compulsory when students commence O Levels.

More than that, the Ministry must revamp the the yentire yeducation system by yaddressing yimportant issues such as wall-graduate yentry level and training of teachers, a more yequitable mix of teachers and male:female teacher ratios and compulsory wall-round yeducation.

Yin the final yanalysis, if ve yembrace the principle of MERITOCRACY, ve cannot, shall not be failing !!’

donplaypuks® with my education, man!

LANDSLIDE VICTORY!!

by edmund everest hillary clinton, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for mountainous landslide victory affairs



Leading analysts and anonymous expert spokesmen have confirmed landslide victory at the International Hill constituency by-election which was precipitated by the sudden demise of the incumbent MP from a heart attack.

Maha Kinabalu (MK), political analyst for the New State Parsley Sage Rosemary Thighmes newspaper wrote today that if events that occurred in 1993 at nearby Menara Tanah Tinggi (MTT) constituency are anything to go by, this landslide victory of tsunamic proportions will be just another passing phase in local politics and social development.

MK noted that in the historic 1993 event at MTT, the fulcrum of social development had been reduced to bricks, rubble, dust and ashes by the riotous actions of greedy maverick groups with vested selfish interests. Ill-supervised and unauthorised, ambitious exploratory new age revolutionary edification by these mavericks at an adjacent constituency had undermined the very foundations of democracy and life as we knew it at MTT. But, the nation had lurched forward as though nothing had happened!

MK had lamented that the architects of these modern social edification concepts, their half-(assed) qualified assistants and Havoxbridge Con-sultants had all (illegall) put their John Hancocks on the Master Plans for MTT. When taken to court however, they had all been absolved of any culpability for the disaster, riots and loss of lives. Even the Local Authority and Erection Commission which had approved the gathering and activities of these maverick groups were declared to be ‘above the law’ by virtue of previously unknown provisions in the Federal Constitution.

His Lordship, the Right Honourable Justice Shariah R Ustads Khan, had concluded that the incident was due to an act of retribution by the one true God against pagan gods whom many had falsely worshipped. Khan had acutely observed that the landslide result could not be reversed. That this had led to the completely justified ban against Yoga, Yogis and Yogurt which did not fit in with the social fabric of a nation that would not allow the creeping, insidious 3Y (Yoni) philosophy subtly perpetuated and dangerously promoted by hitherto unidentified cabals of Indian and Hindu fundamentalists.

Master Planner of the Realm for Debates and Msinformation@gov.con, Shabby Cheeky Crack, had also chipped in with the highly useful, intelligent and penetrating observation that voters were the most to be blamed for the landslide victory. Shabby referred to microscopically printed ‘terms and conditions apply’ and ‘caveat emptor’ clauses which the voters should have negotiated on with the various candidates and their philosophies before buying and signing up for their tall stories.


Meanwhile many, rendered homeless by the landmark landslide and the resulting riots, questioned the lack of sympathy and support from ‘the powers that be.’ Master Planner of the Realm for Roofless Homes, Bongkak Tink Notink, conspicuous by his absence, lack of comments and apparent concern, was traced to Sichuan in PRC. He had departed a week earlier helming a small contingent of 2000 officials, engineers, architects and civil servants (wives and bit on the side included) to study revolutionary construction techniques for buildings and schools without foundation on steep hillside slopes.

En route, the contingent had of course had a week’s stop-over at the slippery, body-sliding slopes of Geneva, Switzerland and Pat Phong in Bangkok. Bongkak Tink Notink was quoted as saying “There is no rumour to the truth” in dismissed public concerns that this was yet another ‘research cum study’ overseas holiday junket at the taxpayers’ expense.

Former Chief Master Planner for Sellout All State, Fujimori Toyota, denied any responsibility for the landslide victory. Speaking from Pendatang in Sumatra, he said, ‘No, the state now under rule of Opposition sin Mach 2008. So, even though we in chag for 50 years before, that’s not means our faults. Even the 1993 MTT disaster. They are not our faults. Likes Dr.M and the Buntutsan Toilet Newspaper say, mebbe it a Zionist or Amerika Sharikat Shaitan komplot!’

However, Master Sith Jedi Planner of the Realm, Rip Van Winkle, chirpily announced today from house nos. 44-66A, Mosman Bay, Perth, Australia that the Govt would make available US$700 billion aid in the form of Funds Appropriated for Relief of Troubles (FART) to those affected by landslide victory as well as banks, financial institutions and the auto industry if they were unfairly and adversely affected by the US Satan Capitalist Sub-Prime and Finance Conspiracy. Applicants were requested to forward their requests in a brown envelope with an SAE to Master Planner of the Realm for Finance, Mamak Robokop Forexloosecannon.

Meanwhile at the MoF, Mamak Robokop Forexloosecannon, when posed the question as to where US700 billion would come from when the national reserves stood at US 100 million was quoted as saying “My lips are sealed by the Official Secrets Act (OSA). But, I can confirm that we will be the only nation in the world which will not slip into a recession or depression. I grantee this. For your immediate needs, I have $36 billion forex funds available at various Mamak Havala System Money Changer outlets. You call, we transfer out!! Call 1800-622-632-1400-1957-1969-2008 NOW!!”

Speaking from somewhere in Uzbekistan, Master Sith Jedi Planner of the Realm Elect and Ambassador to Mongolia, General Rosemajibbed, was quoted as saying that he was not inclined to worry about minor issues such as landslide victory as “My administration is on top of it. V have Suckhoi Jets, Scorpenis Subs, C4 explosives and Baginda Altantuya is free. Then, we are still vying for Euro Cocker-Mamie 725 Helicopters costing $1.64b rounded down to $2.3 billion. What more can we ask for? We are a truly blessed nation. God is great!!”

donplaypuks® with my landslide, man!

SURGEON-GENERAL BANS YOGURT!!

by ski dannon, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for yogurt and milky way affairs

Master Sith Jedi Surgeon-General of The Realm, Everette Smiles American (ESM), in response to a complaint lodged several months ago by the Fat Watchers Association (FATWHA) of the Realm, issued a nationwide edict banning the sale and/or consumption of all natural, frozen and fruit-flavoured Yogurt and related products. The Yogurt ban also specifically referred to the Yogi Bear Brand with its Swastik #1 logo and its range of Yogurt products originating from the Himalaya Mountain region in India.

ESM while conceding that claims of illegal Melamine additives to Yogurt were baseless, confirmed that considerations for the ban on Yogurt extended beyond health and excessive fat content issues investigated jointly by the Department of Senior Surgeons (DOSS), the Department of Dairy Products and Lactic Acid and I Police Raja Special Branch.

ESM confirmed that the Special Branch had been tipped off by ‘parties with vested but altruistic interest’ about a ‘possible subtle international conspiracy’ by the Indian and Hindu Diaspora to subvert other religions by promoting the culture of consumption of Yogurt, universally. ESM revealed that Yogurt, prepared by adding an appropriate pinch of sour butter milk to boiled natural milk and allowing the mixture to curdle, was known to the Arya Hindus possibly, ten thousand year ago. The Arya Hindus embraced the God Shiva, whose vehicle was Nandhi, the white bull, and supplemented their totally Vegan diet with Yogurt, for fat.

Quoting ‘unnamed and regional expert’ sources whose identities could not be revealed due to Internal Security Act (ISA) and Official Secrets Act (OSA) considerations, ESM revealed that dark elements of pagan rituals, mysticism, breathing techniques and exercises were woven into the ancient formulae concocted by these Arya Hindus; that it is entirely possible that unsuspecting weak-willed innocents may be diverted from their one true faith by consuming these imported natural milk based and cultured products. 'Jais call us on toll-free number 1800-622-632-1400 if anyone has any doubts on what appropriate food is fit for consumption so as not to compromise one's religious faith' appealed Surgeon-General.

Meanwhile, Shiva Lingam, President of ‘Yogurts R Us Sangam, scoffed at the ‘Yogurt conspiracy theory’ and ban edict issued by EMS. Lingam, pleading for calm, sanity and common sense to prevail, requested that in future such edicts be not issued without prior consultation with all stake-holders.

However, Rocky Horrorshow, Editor-elect of the New State Parsley Sage RosemaryThighmes Newspaper accused Shiva Lingam and his Sangam of being 2nd class immigrants who had no right to interfere in the dietary, health, religious and political affairs of the Realm, and of questioning eternally unquestionable provisions in the Constitution and of being rabble-rousers.

“After all, when you banned beef consumption all those long nights ago when you made a tryst with density, did you consult the beef-eaters or show concern or consideration for their feelings and rights?” raged Rocky.

In a shocking broadside to ESM and his edict, Master Sith Jedi Planner of the Realm, Rip Van Winkle, announced today from house nos. 44- 66A, Mosman Bay, Perth, Australia that it was all right to consume Yogurt provided one did not swallow, inhale, move or breathe.

In yet another stinging rebuke to the Surgeon-General, two of the directors of the Board of Cultured 10 cm Rulers lamented that the Surgeon General was by law required to brief and seek the consent of the Board before announcing any edicts affecting cultured products.

The Board of 10 cm Rulers also expressed their regret that before Rama Maha Firaun 1 interfered in the 90’s with their duties and powers and unilaterally consented to the new-fangled Systeme International, they had complete immunity and unfettered powers as the Board of Cultured 12 Inch Rulers, which they would use sensibly to whack recalcitrants with. And that sometimes, so as not to put too fine a point on it, they would use golf clubs and hockey sticks to get their point across!!

donplaypuks® with my cultured products, man!!

#1 the Indian Swastik is the original. The Germans copied it and the reverse Swastika became the symbol of the Nazis!!

MAHATHIR WAS 100% RIGHT!! GREENSCAM, BANANACAKE & CAMDESSUS WERE 100% WRONG!!

MAHATHIR WAS 100% RIGHT. ALL YOU OTHER BASTARDS, THE ECONOMIST, WESTERN ECONOMISTS, THE IMF, WORLD BANK AND CABAL OF GORDON GEKKOS WERE WRONG! APOLOGISE NOW AND BEG FOR FORGIVENESS!!

by keynes them all, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for world economic affairs













I was going to let it pass.

Right up to that millisecond after that master of convoluted incomprehensible English, Alan Greenscam, looked at the camera, blinked, and mumbled ‘I did not see it coming!’ I was stunned! For once, he was incomprehensibly, comprehensible!

It then struck me like a tsunami that all these bandicoots – Greenscam, Ben Bananacake, Paulsaulson in Wolf’s Clothings, Burning Bush, Goofy Blair, Warrenrabbit Phoebe (with apologies to ‘Friends’) Buffet, Gordonsgin Brown – and their counterparts in Europe, HK, China, India, Japan and Australia did not have a clue. For over 20 years they have been absolutely wrong. Do not forgive them Father for they ought to have known they were pathetically WRONG. They were GROSSLY overpaid not to have slept on their watch!!

Collectively they were responsible for perpetuating the greatest scam in the history of the World. Collectively they were GROSSLY NEGLIGENT and guilty of concocting America’s greatest export and business philosophy of the last 20 years, that:

‘Greed is Good, Unmitigated Greed, even better! And Unmitigated, Undiluted and Unvarnished Greed is BEST!! And if we can parcel it all and sucker it through WTO manipulation to the rest of the world, that is the icing on the cake. And if you can still keep your head and wits about you while others drop about you like bees in a smokehouse, why, my son, the scorched Earth is all yours, BUDDY!’

And they all bought it. Japan, because it is sorry for WWII, but ‘Roose face if aporogise.’ Germany because of WWI & WWII, but it is still not sorry for the Holocaust, ya wohl mein herr, Seig Heil! The Chinese because they secretly all want to be regarded as White Americans. The Indians because they all secretly want to follow China. The Honkies because they all have three jobs and secretly have no individual or collective conscience anymore. And the Singaporeans because they all secretly want to be White anyone. There, have I left out anyone in my racist tirade? Forgive me my anger because I failed to park a humongous financial loss on any bank or financial institution. I shall go to my grave with the regret of this oversight foremost on my mind.

From the South Sea Bubble episode of the 18th century, through the 1929 Wall St. Crash, October 1987 Black Monday, 1997 Asia Currency Crises, massive frauds at Barings Bank, Bank Bumi, Bank Nat Paris, Enron, Global Crossings, Tyco and especially the rape of America and UK by its CEO’s, major shareholders and top management, some facts are palpably clear. That the inalienable right to pursuit of happiness has been interpreted to mean the inalienable right to accumulate Midas and Croesus-like wealth at the expense of anybody, including one’s mother. And when in trouble, the rich and well-connected are entitled to en masse embrace ‘dole’ socialism, nay, communism, and call for the State to bail them out OR ELSE……!

Which means you, me, the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker are the one’s who will really have to cough up and forgo our measly budget LCC airlines propelled annual week’s holiday or our children’s overseas education savings, so that America can continue funding the search for WMD’s in Iran and Afghanistan.

All the Citibanks, Wachovias, Merril Lynchs, Morgan Stanleys, Goldman Sachs, Lehman’s et al have to bleat is that ‘This is Armageddon. We cannot let the banks sink (or else we will also sink)’ or ‘The CONTAGION will sink EVERYBODY’ for their buddies in the Treasury to echo the same words and swing into action with $700 billion of money that does not exist and will be created by the simple expediency of marshalling the printing presses into overtime.

Has anyone thought of the consequences of printing so much money which is not backed by real assets and wealth. Don’t worry about that buddy, let the Chinese and Indians figure that out for theirs is the future and the truly fucked shall inherit the barren Earth. Welcome to the virtual world of the Matrix where money can be created by hey presto and abracadabra.

So, here’s my dime’s worth of advice of how to put the World’s Financial System in order.

1. Ban all Speculative Trading in Oil, Commodities and Currencies and their Futures. Only producers and exporters of goods, services and commodities shall be allowed to forward sell to genuine buyers who will take physical delivery.

Thus a day trader sitting in a coconut shell in Langkawi will not be able to speculate in soya beans futures while hedging potential losses by a $:Yen interest-rate swap derivative secured by AIG insurance quoted on the Humbug Index which in turn is tied to the toxic sub-prime mortgage 2000% per annum ROI (whatever that means) and guaranteed by Developmentnomore Offshore Bank of Panama, which all vanished in a puff of smoke in September 2008!!

Remember, currency is not a commodity to be traded as recently demonstrated by Zimbabwe and its trillion $ note!

2. Ban all naked and other short selling on any Stock Exchange. The underlying principle shall be that one must have paid in money for shares or commodities etc and owned them legally before one call sell. Lending of share scripts should be totally banned.

3. Ban all contra share trading. The stock markets are meant for long-term investors. Those interested in making quick gains can buy lottery tickets, head for the casinos, bet on the EPL or whatever one fancies. Thus you have to pay for and own a share before you can sell it, period. Sure, the share market will be boring. But, boring and steady growth are infinitely better than bankruptcy, suicide and 300,000 Icelanders waking up one morning and suddenly finding themselves jobless while the Irish and British simultaneously wake up and find they have been sodomised from afar by Icelanders!

4. Proposals for all new financial instruments shall be reviewed by a specialist independent think-tank co-opted into the relevant Securities Exchanges. If it looks like or smells like a junk bond or artificial derivative, it shall not see the light of day. 50% of any such approved instrument shall be subscribed for in cash and held until redemption without further disposal or packaging (toxic masking and tarting up) by the lead underwriter, merchant and other banks involved.

The acid test for the approval of such a financial instrument shall be whether your granny or Aunty May or Petunia is able to understand what it is, how it works and what its downside risks are.

5. Share, Property & Investment Margin Financing should at all times be restricted to equity:debt of 2:1 i.e. for every $1 of cash you have, the bank will lend you no more than 50 cents. Banks shall also not extend further margin should the market value of investments appreciate since we must adhere to the principle that investment is for the long-term and not allow for the double-whammy casino mentality to get even a toe-hold.

6. All professionals who support a prospectus for sale of shares, securities, investments etc must be made financially liable for any opinion they express in support of such sales, secured by an appropriate deposit in cash, irrevocable bank guarantee or LC.

7. No lending shall be approved by any bank or financial institution unless a thorough independent credit check and rating has been carried out by the lender who shall be liable for any negligence. Lenders shall establishing the maximum any individual or company can borrow on a global basis by setting up a linked Credit Rating Agency. This will go a long way towards preventing companies like GE hocking all their cashflow and being unable to pay staff salaries and basic overheads when pork futures go belly-up in Beijing.

8. Appointment of internal and external auditors and independent directors of public and listed companies shall fall under the purview of a Govt-established body. If the Boards, Chairmen and CEO’s do not co-operate, the Govt shall be empowered to sack them and close the company down.

Self regulation is a joke and has long been a ticket for conscienceless ‘captains of industry’ to write their own paycheck at the expense of minority shareholders and the Govt. Similarly, the functioning of the regulatory bodies for Accountants, Lawyers & Solicitors, Doctors etc shall all be taken out of the hands of accountants, lawyers and doctors and be placed in the hands of the Government. That’s what Governing means, not outsourcing the security of chicken farms to the foxes!

9. The huge hundred million $ bonuses and stock-option payouts to CEO’s and top Management shall first be paid into a Govt Trust Fund and be released to the beneficiaries only after a period of 3 years following their departure provided no frauds or financial collapse occurs which can be traced to their tenure in office. If a relevant fraud occurs after the money has been released, investors shall be entitled to go after the personal assets of these CEO’s even if they have been transferred to their spouses, children, trust fund etc.

10. The bare minimum punishment for financial misdemeanours, frauds and wanton mismanagement shall be whipping and three years hard labour in prison with no remission or plea bargaining. For the more serious offences, whipping, caning, amputation, beheading and all other forms of capital punishment shall also be mandatory. Way to go Iran and China! By this reckoning, we should be offering high mass for members of the Fed Reserve, Greenscam, the Secretary of the Treasury and their counterparts in UK and Europe while many shall line the streets and cheer.

11. The issue of credit cards shall be governed on the same principle as bank lending, on a global credit rating for each individual. Credit cards may not offer cash advance facility, which invariably results in those with low credit rating using it as an unsecured overdraft. Credit card issuing companies will suffer low growth? I reckon lower default rates will balance things out.

12. Lastly, and this has nothing to do directly with the financial system. But all the additional money that people will have saved by not being able to gamble on the Casino Stock Exchanges in the World, shall be used to repair Global Warming and to assemble the largest Army in Human History to invade the Dutch, Japanese, Russian, Norwegian, Thai, Chinese, Indian and other environment terrorists and poachers who cull baby seals, sharks, dolphins and whales or hunt tigers, elephants, lions, zebras, pangolins and bears (for their paws only) for profit.

Those captured shall be forced to work without pay in the Accounts Department of Lehman Brothers. Merril Lynch, Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs to total up the daily payables and receivables manually, i.e. without the aid of a calculator or computer, several times a day!

How to make this financially viable, you ask? Go figure it out BANANACAKE DUMMY! That’s why you were overpaid $1 million before.

No doubt these measures will perhaps throw a million or so people out of their jobs in the financial sector, Worldwide. But such a catharsis is necessary in the short-term for the long-term orderly and systematic economic growth of individual countries and the World.

I worry deeply when many today plunge for a degree in business studies and a career in the financial sector, equating it with a licence to accumulate wealth at any and all costs.

The moral dimension of ill-begotten gains seems to be neither a consideration nor an obstacle to the accumulation of wealth.

And why would it, with the stellar example demonstrated Worldwide by our so called Guardians and Financial Experts.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/South_Sea_Bubbles?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wall_Street_Crash_of_1929
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stock_market_crash_in_1987
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asian_financial_crisis
http://malayscandals.blogspot.com/2007/08/scandal.html

donplaypuks® with the economy, man!!

EXCERPTS from MILITARY INTEL REPORTS- 2 (P&C. FOR EYES & EARS ONLY)

'TRIALS & TRIBULATIONS or courting disasters'

by al solzhenitsyn, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for self-appointed benevolent dictators' affairs

Komrad Stalin Rosemajibbed Komrad General, have you deployed your cannon-fodd.., er I mean, your hero soldiers, throughout the country to prevent any resurrections or revolutions? Are they not oreddy on max Defcon 10 Alert?

Komrad 8-Star General Er, Komrad next-Great Leader, which revolution would that be?

Komrad Stalin Rosemajibbed Fool, dumpkof!! Don you read The Buntutsan or New State Parsely Sage Rosemary Thighymes newspapers. I have just got Komrad Magoo Jagger No Pedra Bianca, Jedi Master Planner of the Realm for Home Science, to ban Indraf. That will hopefully provoke their followers to violence. We will then Mohd ISA them all and have another clean-up Show Trial. Komrads I Raja Polis, Big Moose Beria (IRPB), and AG, Ganesh Patel Malenkov, are on stand-by oreddy!!

Komrad 8-Star General I have been a little busy with the Muslim-separatist insurrections in our northern border. I just got back by LCC Airlines. And how could Indraf be banned if they are not a registered party, Komrad next-Great Leader?

Komrad Stalin Rosemajibbed Idiot!! You are the only 8-Star General in the world as noted in our Genius Book of Records. If we can achieve that in Bolehland, we can ban existing or non-existent anything. Geddit?? And what do you mean you returned by LCC Airlines. What happened to our helicopters?

Komrad 8-Star General All the old Sickorsky Duriduku helicopters have been superbly crashed by our Towering Glocal pilots. So, we have to rely on commercial airlines to get us about. We need a new fleet quickly, preferably by yesterday!

Komrad Stalin Rosemajibbed Don you worry about that. We have accepted the most expensive bid of $2.3 bil for 12 new Euro Cockermamie-Spaniel Heli 725. This is about $1 bil more than the next-most economical alternative. What a truly marvellous TOWERING achievement! All procedures have been adhered to by the Book, i.e. SOP. But if you were us, would you go for the Rolls Royce of Helis or the Prodana version?

Komrad 8-Star General The Rolls Royce of course! We MUST have the best and the most expensive or our neighbours will laugh at us. No question or arguing about it. National pride is at stake! We can't just plunk for one from Toys R Us, can we? Komrad, may I in the same breathe of true patriotism, recommend my $2 fully cash paid-up family company, Salvation Army Sdn. Bhd., for a $300 mil administration and maintenance-liaison National Service contract tie-up?

Komrad Stalin Rosemajibbed Hmm, thats mean the contract cost will have to be increased to $3 bil to accommodate your brilliant proposal as well as several trips for army chiefs (including wives & bits on the side), a 100-strong Defence contingent and Heads of Army Pension Fund Trustees to carry out several arduous recon trips to Paris and Galleries Lafayette and for increase in miscellaneous petty cash expenses. And also for visits to nearby countries and places like London and Oxford St. and Geneva and Munich. I suppose that could be arranged since Baginda Altantuya screwed things up in Paris with his Perimeter Sdn. Bhd. and Mongolian Dutch-wife hot-press escapade.

Komrad 8-Star General Hrrmph, Komrad next-Great Leader, I must alert you that our Heli Generals are more than a little miffed that IRPB had by-passed SOP and personally directly lobbied the Geat Leader who now has oreddy awarded the new 30-year contract to CroneyCoAsia Jets to lease 34 helis for I Polis Raja (IPR) for a whopping $20 bil. Why does IPR need 34 Helis while the Army is only allocated 12?

Komrad Stalin Rosemajibbed Komrad General, be careful what you say and to whom you say it. You have just proposed your retirement plans. So, too have others who may have to retire prematurely. Besides, $20 bil spread out over 30 years is peanuts compared to Bush's $700 bil bail-out of Wall Street and $1 tril Iraq Invasion Cost. Come the revolution, the Army cannot be involved as the natives in the heartland would not approve of it. So, IPR may have to spring into action to nip things in the bud, especially at Port Dickson where I may have to rush to in case of pressing needs emegency, which occurs about twice a week!

Komrad 8-Star General But O' next-Great Leader, Komrad IRPB has just had a multiple bypass op and is in no position to spring further than you can toss him. Besides, he, like Komrad AG Ganesh Patel Malenkov, is being sued by Sir Abim Obasama, Barisan Rakyat's Leader, for abuse of power and manufacturing false evidence. And all these trials, won't they back-fire on you?

Komrad Stalin Rosemajibbed We are only taking a leaf out of the pages of history. But, we are not as cruel as the Russians and their OGPU/NKVD/KGB were. We have comparatively few Great Purge Show Trials and arrests in this region - Burma, Thailand, N.Korea, Vietnam etc. - as follows:

1. Sodomy 2 Trial involving Komrad Sir Abim Obasama, Leader of Barisan Rakyat.
2. Sedition Trial of Komrad R. Peter K now under Mohd. ISA indefinite detention.
3. Sedition Trial of Komrad Blogger Kick Dick Head.
4. ISA Arrest of Reporter (for her own safety and protection).
5. ISA arrest of MP Mother Teresa (based on ex-Jedi Fujimori Toyota's blog and Buntutsan newsaper's patently precipitate and false accusations).
6. Arrest and indefinite detention of Indraf leaders and 62 others.
7. Planned arrest of several Indraf supporters and blogggers for misbehaviour at $2 million New Year Open House bash paid for by taxpayers' money.

Komrad 8-Star General But Komrad next-Great Leader, this is thothally unfair. IRPB has also been implicated in $4 bil directly negotiated non-tendered out IT contract for IPR HQ awarded to a Lion City company owned by Israeli agents and spies. IRPB again bypassed SOP by writing directly to the Great Leader in getting approval to over-turn the Treasury's Tender Board recommendations. How greedy can one get? How large a Pension Fund does one man need? At the rate IRPB is going, he will soon have enough funds to make a bid to take over the whole of the USA, based on current valuations!!

Komrad Stalin Rosemajibbed I must say he's showing a lot of initiative and innovation lately. Not bad for a once foot-patrol cop. Perhaps, we should promote him to Jedi Master Planner of the Realm for Home Science once he's fully recovered. But you are right. There are limits. We must nip this excessive exuberance of IRPB in the bud. Fight fire with fire. Can you handle it?

Komrad 8-Star General Er, I have been an army man all my life. So, I am not too conversant with all this political mumbo-jumbo and corporate wheeling and dealing. You'll have to count me out!

Komrad Stalin Rosemajibbed Then I have no alternative but to deal with the devil we know. Here, get me Baginda Altantuya's shyster mouth-piece on my CIA 200% totally secure cell phone. This is a one-of-a-kind cell phone whose transmissions can never be intercepted. State-of-the-art. Sooper-dooper! You ever seen one like this?

Komrad 8-Star General No, Komrad O' next-Great Leader. Where did you get it from? Perhaps we can work on an exclusive directly negotiated non-tendered out $1 bil contract to supply these CIA cell phones to all our top Security Personnel, Special Branch and Jedi Master Planners.

Komrad Stalin Rosemajibbed Good, excellent. You are a quick learner! Yes, IRPB got me one from this Lion City IT Specialist Co which is doing that $4 bil contract at IPR HQ.

Komrad 8-Star General Good God, you don mean that Israeli prepaid connection.....? Do you?

Komrad Stalin Rosemajibbed Good God you don mean..? No wonder it's branded as 'Star of Daud!!' That stupid IRPB! One of these days he will end up like Trotsky who had a famous encounter with an ice-pick!! Komrad General, we have no choice. I must alert the Great Leader about a possible Zionist konspiracy and about declaring a National Emergency straight away. Get your cannon fodd...er, er I mean our War Heroes mobilised at once!!!

Komrad 8-Star General At once Komrad next-Great Leader. Patriots to the fore. Tenn Hutt!!

Komrad Stalin Rosemajibbed Patriots on all fours, indeed! Dismissed!!

donplaypuks® with my pension plans, man!!
* SOP - Standard Operating Procedure

Moscow Show Trials http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Purge
Joseph Stalin http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_Stalin
Leon Trotsky http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leon_Trotsky
Levrenty Beria http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lavrenty_Beria

A TOTALLY FICTITIOUS SHORT TALL STORY ABOUT THE IMAGINARY ASSASSINATION OF MASTER JEDI PLANNER OF THE REALM FOR HOME SCIENCE

LH Oswald, donplaypuks® lone and only (as determined by the Rabbit's Warren Commission) correspondent for assassination affairs has been specially commissioned to pen a thothally fictitious short-story about the successful assassination of non-existent Master Jedi Planner of the Realm for Home Science, Magoo Jagger No Pedra Bianca.

All the fictitious bald facts shall be revealed!! All names and persons mentioned in this completely fabricated untrue story are fictitious; any resemblance to real persons - living, dead, mentally retarded with sub-zero IQ they had to go to college to acquire and short, bald and fat - is unintended and thothally coincidental.

STORY BRIEFS:

A lone gunman approaches the grassy knoll from the direction of the Kamunting Book Depository Building as the motorcade approaches the T-junction. In the lead roof-top down Prodana Limo sits the short, bald and overflowingly fat Master Jedi Planner for the Realm for Home Science, Magoo Jagger No Pedra Bianca. You could tell it was a Prodana Limo from the windows which were tinted from the outside!..........

Thousands of fictitiously banned Indraf and Makkal Sakthi supporters of all races line the motorcade route screaming holy words of support for the Jedi Master Planner's genius in banning a non-existent and non-political party. Dai Pundai, Fcuk and such holy words ring out.................

The lone gunman screws the silencer on to his custom-made Kalashnikov sniper rifle which is fitted with night-vision scope even though it is broad daylight! He loads the dum-dum bullets and the Zapruder bullet so that later the special CIA and local SB investigators would be thothally confused and lie that the bullet reversed directions after being fired!!.........

The lone gunman was of course motivated (blindly misled) to carry out this thothally fictitious assassination by a thothally imaginary article allegedly penned by Latok Khairil Rockyhorrorshow in the New State Parsely Sage Rosemay Thighymes Buntutsan Toilet Newspaper. The Buntutsan had fictitiously alleged that Magoo Jagger No Pedra Bianca, had lodged a complaint that locals had protested against the ringing of bells during morning and evening prayers at Indraf Temples thus fictitiously stirring up racial and religious outrage......

The Buntutsan, which has been fictitiously sued for $30 mil for slander and defamation by the imaginary family of the fictitiously assassinated Jedi Master Planner, has denied all liabilty and demanded an unequivocal apology and compensation of $1 bil for fictitiously dragging its good name into public opprobium and odium. The Buntutsan also fictitiously claimed that it had merely re-printed a posting that had appeared on ex-Jedi Master Planner Latok Fujimori Toyota's fictitious blog. Toyota was himself being fictitiously sued for $1 bil by several parties................

CAVEAT EMPTOR & E & EO. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED WITHOUT PREJUDICE. CARPE DIEM & PER DIEM!!

donplaypuks® with my assassination short tall stories, man!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_F._Kennedy_assassination

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zapruder_film

ps

The full version of the short tall story shall be published on 16th September 2020.

GUESS WHO DROPPED IN FOR HARI RAYA HOLS TEA & CURRY PUFF OPEN HOUSE ONETIME WITH donplaypuks®??!!

or hats, caps, headgear and masks

by cecil lichfield kodakaroid, donplaypuks® intrepid photographer for tete-a-tete affairs

some easy to identify, others not so!

(place cursor on pic for answer)

dang it, those hindraf and Mohd. ISA blogger abolishionists did not turn up!!! wonder which open house paid for with millions of taxpayers' money they gate-crashed? and the PM and some wooden cabinet members were miffed they did not wish everyone bon hari raya? they forgot 2007 when they held their agm on deepavali day and in 2008 announced elections during chinese new year celebrations?

respect gets as respect gives.

and when citizens are arrested for legitimately (as guaranteed by the Constitution) protesting (totally peacefully) against the government and are then sprayed with tear gas and pepper-laced water and finally held in prison without charge or trial under draconian prevention of terrorism laws, you think they should crawl on their knees and beg for mercy?

one day when it happens to the powers-that-be or their kith and kin, only then will they realise the enormity of the crime and injustice they have committed!!

did donplaypuks® miss any? do you know of some famous hats?

donplaypuks® with my tea mates, man!!

MURMURS FROM MERCHANT SQ.

or 'The 4 Musketeers & All For One And One For All!'

or 'Oh, Ye Of Little Faith!'

by surya nades 15 beers, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for barisan rakyat affairs

Malkit Siang Gill Sr - The natives are getting restless! Whoa, I hantam sky-change lah, sea-change 916 lah, toll highway interchange lah, everywhere in my speeches lah. But still no toppling, no frogs leaping above or below the wind, bludder!!

Kapak Singh Gill - We can't rely on defections alone you know, your honour, Sir Abim Obasama.

SAO - Should we then rely on ex-National Central Bang plants masquerading as your Deputy Chairman?

Kapak Singh Gill - Come, come you honour. Don hit below the turban. Let's at least have THE LIST of frogs, brudder.

Tok Guru Nicholas Gill - Sabar brudders, Sabah. All in good thime. Have patien, have faith that Sir Abim will deliver. The opposition is panicking and in complete disarray. We are almost there.

SAO - I can confidently tell you we have the numbers. Some negotiations are still underway and have delayed matters. Rosemajibbed is being manipulated to topple Rip Van Winkle earlier than June 2010 so that Cassius Sil aka Hairy Plotter The Silly will not have time to place his men everywhere. Hairy is trying to get rid of the old guard like Grumpymopeydopeydin, Baldy Magoo No Bianca, Kerismudin, rAPfirewoman who secretly wants to come back, Mat Tyson Suitcase Empty etc. And of course ambitious amateur in-your-face upstarts like Shoveinyourass Updalcha. Their situation is shambolic!

Malkit Siang Gill Sr - It's all right for you. If you lose you will just go back to your IMF friends and Washington and lecher in Islamic studies again. But we may be forced to do a deal with the devil, dammit!!!

SAO - Don be stupid or act hastily! The rats are openly talking about deserting the sinking ship. Parti Tak Gerak now has an 80% mandate to jump ship and CHARSIU (Chinese Heavenly Association for Race, Sincerity, Intelligence & Unity) members are ready except for the stubborn old goats at the very top and their biz croneys who are afraid all the old dirty deals will be exposed. KALINGA (Kesatuan Alam Liga India Neo Ganga Arya) is a ship without a rudder or crew, all of whom have thrown their weight behind INDRAF (Indian Rights Action Force). KALINGA will be extinct within a year, but certainly before the 2013 General Elections!

Kapak Singh Gill - What about Kaviasitahardkaurass and the Pip Pip Pip Party, your honor? Maybe the Indians will go there to avoid being Mohd ISA'd?

SAO - A man, any man, who does not immediately defend his people's integrity, honour and self-respect when they are unjustifiably insulted and humiliated publicly by people like that Turkish mamak Ketuanan Melayu Jedi Master Planner for Parameswara Land from PUKS (Parti Uniti dan Keadilan Semenanjung), cannot hope to lead a pair of battery jump start cables let alone a political party. So, he and his party are now history. Oh, I forgot, he has 1 supporter - Stephanie from that corner-shop in Ampang!

Malkit Siang Gill Sr - But bludder, they are threatening to Mohd ISA everyone for their own safety and well-being!!

Sivajiraja SD- It's not like you haven't been there before. When they start arresting bloggers and then reporters and MP's without even preliminary investigations, you can smell their fear and desperation. They are running around like chickens with their heads cut off. What, if your, our and Tok Guru's supporters all decide to march peacefully tomorrow, how many can they arrest? How long can they survive from the international back-lash and flight of FDI's?

Kapak Singh Gill - Areva bhai, easy for you to say. I'm on a wheel-chair, very difficult to go for a wee wee or no.2 call in Kamunting you know, you honour.

Mohd Clay Ali - Brudders. I and Abim have been through some of the most trying and terrible times since '98. So, facing these obstacles is nothing new. A question of mind over matter. I assure you all that we will get there soon. September 16th created the panic. All you Gills are behaving like novice fish out of water, for God's sake!! Soon, we'll go for the kill !! And think of the positives. We have their ex-Minister for Law on our side.

Tok Guru Nicholas Gill - That's right! Mecca was not conquered in a day, remember that!!

Malkit Siang Gill Sr - And that's what worries me Tok Guru. Are your loyalties to our Group or Mecca, Medina, the Ayatollah and the Taliban/Al Qaeda?

Tok Guru Nicholas Gill - As you make your bed, so must you lie on it.

SAO - Very cryptic remarks, Tok Guru. But, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, we must not act rashly. STAND UNITED. AGREED? ONE FOR ONE AND ALL FOR ONE!! And don forget, we are all loyal to the King! And THE LIST remains with me alone until I meet Him!!

ALL - AGREED!! ONE FOR ONE AND ALL FOR ONE!!

donplaypuks® with my musketeers, man!!

donplaypuks® havoxbridge dictionary of manglish:
bhai - punjabi for brother
bludder - brudder, brother
hantam - whack
land below the wind - Sabah
sabar - patience
SAO - Sir Abim Obasama, leader of Barisan Rakyat political party
thime - time

ps

the original 3 Musketeers in Alexandre Dumas's 1844 novel were Athos, Porthos & Aramis (now a famous after-shave) led by the hero D'artagnan, the 4th Musketeer.

OOH! OODLES OF NOOKIE NOODLES!!

by armand egon michelin, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for gastronomic affairs

Competition has hotted up in the instant noodles market with the timely introduction of a saucy new range under the brand name Nookie, produced and marketed by glocal aspiring Indian enterpreneurs, Mamaggi. Denied any assistance from official Entrepreneurial Schemers, local and foreign banks, the Mamaggi Group from Port Kelang started a unique Kutu funding finance scheme to set up its factory and commence production in November 2007 with a start-up capital of $100 mil.

The response to Nookie Noodles has surpassed all expectations and Mamaggi is planning to set up new factories in Sg. Siput, Melaka and Iskandar Regional Development in Johor Bahru. In order to keep overheads low and to bypass the ususal middleman mafia, Mamaggi has embarked on a novel telemarketing direct selling scheme for their Nokkie instant noodles.

Get a 6-pack now for only $ 5 + for p&p add $1 to anywhere in the country and enjoy special free gifts!! HURRY before stocks run out !! CALL NOW !!! Refer to our catalogue below. Same day delivery by rpetra@sd2day.courier.com . All products are guaranteed Melamine Free.

CALL 1-300-916-1016-1116-1216 NOW to place your orders with one of their friendly telemarketeers. CALL NOW or forever hold your piece!!

and more flavours are in the production pipe-line to suit all tastes.

donplaypuks® with my Nookie Noodles, man !!

WINE, HOW DIVINE !

or 'The Gripes of Wrath' (with due apologies to our friends down under).

by sirul azilah altantuya baginda (saab), donplaypuks® intrepid corresponent for administration and maintenance of francophile and enophile (*1) affairs in paris.

Hot on the heels of news of the successful signing of the $5 billion order for submarines between Malaysia and France, there emerged breaking news of further commercial joint-ventures between French and Malaysian parties.

The Duc de Scorpeneis, speaking fom his Chatuea D’if in the south of France, announced the incorporation of Wines Internationale Nouveau Organisma or WINO in off-shore Labuan, for a joint-venture with Glocal Malaysian entrepreneur, Latok Ali Baba Kian Tee, for the world-wide distribution of made-in-Malaysia world-class wines.

Saab was able to secure copies of WINO’s international catalogue at a secret exclusive wine-tasting cum french-cuisine (frog-legs, snails, force-fed enlarged goose liver and horse-steak) bash hosted by the Duc de Scorpeneis and the Duchess de Mercedes at Labuan’s premier 6-star hotel, the Palais du Monte Cristo.

We are proud to present below WINO’s 2008 magnificent range of wines from their “Boulanger Douxain de Malaise’ special collection or ‘The Baker’s Dozen from Malaysia’.
* 1 enophile – wine lover

$5 million bottle Petrus ‘vin au coq up’08

a delicate peppery, perky, fragile youthful coffee-boy sweet pink rose fruity wine thing. special edition also available for your pet uncle and /or aunty and will be delivered by royal motor-bike courier petra@2daymalaysiaSD(sameday)services.

do not touch, fondle or remove coq. to drink, break glass at other end at 8 specially indented spots. one sip and you will swear on a stack of holy books to its astonishlingly refreshing taste and be immediately transported to heaven.

this delectable, sweet honey-dripping nectar may be consumed on any or all of overseas trips or in secret tete-a-tete high-tea frisson between 3.00 – 4.30 p.m any day.

WARNING!! MUST be consumed with green salad topped with extra virgin olive oil dressing.

chateau grande casino royale malaysia @ today

a brave full-bodied wine of pure royal blue vintage. delivered by post, wrapped in brown envelope with certicate of authenticity verified by SD.

ps bottles are stored in special underground vaults located overseas. orders may NOT be scanned or emailed via laptops. Please register on-line for invitation to free wine-tasting.

shiteau medellin la pheet '70

an exceptionally soporific and liberating sweet, dreamy, smoky grass-green concoction cloned from afghanistan, pakistan and burma varieties.

also easily available from mules at airport waiting lounges, donkeys in maximum security-protected vat vaults in ujong tanah & nine counties stations and asses in glocal burger stalls.

pending FDA/DEA approval.

mateus matthieus rose lah tongue braun ‘03

for all loyal aids of ex-premiers, ministers and mp’s. a unique light-bodied flatulent, pretentious blend of portuguese and chinese grapes. vine cuttings were originally imported from kerala on the western seaboard of south india.

a bit over-dry & bitter to the palate. over-priced for its vintage. personally recommended by self-proclaimed expert retired wine-taster contactable at sourgrapes@dilemma.ex-gov.con

dom perignon le don never pays ‘69

specially subsidised king of sparkling, bubbling beautifully bottled champagnes. at least 30% of bottles are reserved for some more equal than others.

cultivated in the directly negotiated non-tendered-out 3,000 hectares vineyards of the New Enophile Plains (NEP). last few cases only available as this year’s production has been severely curtailed by the most serious attack of vine blight in 50 years.

new orders will be accepted only after September 16th, 2008.

casa mafioso verve cliqdontalkcoq au lord lingham’s ‘08

a very corretcly, corretcly, corretcly blended spicy, chili-hot whisky-whine produced in the dungeons of Chateau Micasa Sucasa designed to burn your tongue off. cleverly concocted for those who wish to appear drunken instantly. one sip and you’ll convincingly be able to pretend to incriminate yourself & spill the beans in a drunken handphone monologue with retired Chief Shysters!!

guaranteed to induce amnesia the next day.

ps special 100% discount for all members of the auckland-zoo and lake geneva chalet judiciary alumni. go burn em video & dvd’ & wine-kit instructions for extra $1 only without prejudice.
#1 including but not limited to caveat emptor. e & eo excepted.

pinot du chet guevara ‘03

a revolutionary full-bodied red non-alcoholic wine for incumbent and retired self-proclaimed and self-appointed benevolent dictators.

prepared from blood-red grapes fermented in secret trenches and then boiled to remove all traces of alcohol and debris.

5 cc milk of magamnesia laxative added to facilitate ease of motion and loss of memory the morning after the night before for octogenarian buyers.

villa valachia eternal perwaja steal ‘08

a full-bodied fiery red with untraceable 76 million herbs forged from the juice of off-shore harvested swiss, japanese & hong kong red, purple & green grapes. leaves traces of hot furnace, carbon, rare diamonds and ashes on the tongue.

ps recipe for eternal-life herbs discontinued due to the recent demise of its inventor.

marquis de sade et buggerdeaux ‘98
an oh, so delightful conspiratorial dark-brown full-bodied and full-aroma sparkling wine variant from grapes originally grown in the Bordeaux district of France. distilled and cloned after sadistically straining the juices through the stained fabric and foam of an old confiscated mattress.

grape-juice concentrates are specially selected from vines re- planted in the foothills of Tivoli Villas Bungsar, Rome and mixed with those found in the condominium area in the Shires District of Kuala Lumpur, i.e. Dutakennydamanshire valleys district.
certificate of origin & DNA (#1) test results issued by enophile centre at maharthasvineyard.pondok@klER are enclosed with each case.
# 1 pending constitutional amendmend.

chardonnay shah du joy riah ‘69
a pink-white light, sweet delicate sparkling, fizzy, bubbling champagne wine to celebrate the arrest of partners in same-sex marriages, transvestite liaisons, cross-dressing parties and those involved in sex-conversion issues like the british classical dancer, barrelina joy margot fonteyn, and himalayan conqueror, sir edmund hillary clinton mcmurthy
labels personally autographed by eltons john, helen degenerate and sherpa tenzing allgay.
do not hesitate! jais whip an emial order to: pinktriangle@glenmariejais.extragov.con.

empty bottle will come in handy for bodily functions if one is arrested & remanded for hours in enforificers' trucks.

all buyers must attend mandatory counselling course conducted by ayatollah osama zarqawi in Kandybar, Afghaniranqistan.

chateau mutton rottenschild ‘08

the favourite verld-class red claret adrenalin-stirring crystal kolai-wine of mule-headed, thick-skinned, voted-out sith jedi master planners of yengineering for the realm and their followers.

cultivated first in the peaty and salty dry, crusty plains of rubber estates surrounding Port Sweatenhang, the fermented juice from these dark grapes must be drunk fresh for a hair-raising experience. winery is on the verge of financial collapse with no shareholders or bidders. Email to 9milliontelekomshares@kalinga.gov.shakeheads.myika.con to get at all the bald facts

cotes du vin plonk '69

cheap, very light landmark table wine sold exclusively in rivers of money plaza for the working class. blue bottle only. buy 1, free 2.

ps while stocks last & limited to all days ending with the letter ‘y’.

4th floor villa cosa nostra rip van winkle ‘08

a slow-to-mature off-white bitter-sweet somnambulistic medium-bodied old wine blended from chinese, syrian & indonesian grapes.

bottle can only be opened for consumption after 20 years.

WARNING!!

not to be consumed on LRT’s, Nasi Kandar Restaurants and jumbo jets.

donplaypuks® with my wine & champagnes man!

ALL READERS, PLEASE WRITE IN WITH YOUR FAVOURITE 'MALAYSIAN' W(H)INE!

FLIP FLOPS FROM FOURTH FLOOR - Part 1

or the hand that rocks the cradle

by wcw turncoat, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for palace of the successful prince affairs

Knock! Knock!Who's there?
Me.
Come in. Ah, good morning dad.
PIH If I told you once, I told you a thousand times Cassius Sil aka Hairy Plotter the Silly, it's Pak Imam Hadhari and don call me dad.
Sil Well, PIH, what can I do you for? What's happening? What's the plan? What's the stragedy?
PIH We have your men everywhere. But that American at Nasional Petroleum is holding out. We have a foot in Nasional Treasure. However, the bloggers have alerted the whole World and so we may have to re-stragedise.
Sil Cant' we get that American at NP to resign and go quietly? Nothing in our SB little black book?
PIH No, SB and even MI have nothing on him. He's squeaky clean.
Sil Well, can't you stage-manage a few more Mohd ISA episodes. Get Magoo No Bianca from Home Science Office over will you and also this time inform I Raja Polis and I Polis Raja in advance that they are going to be the whipping boys again and that we are going to sodomise their reputation again.
PIH Good idea.
Sil That's cool. And what about this earlier than early retirement proposal? Are you trying to sabotage my plans? And that has-been Gang of 4, where did that come from?
PIH No, no. Of course not. I have to think of my daughter. They were instigated by Firaun and their front-man Grumpymopeydopeydin. But don worry. I'll delay Firaun's re-entry. He cannot use our party membership forms like toilet paper and expect to flush us down with it.
Sil Good. And that poisoned chalice we gave Rosemajibbed to move over to MoM (Ministry of Money). Any trouble there?
PIH No, he grabbed it with both hands. I sold him all that jazz about the Genghiz Khan Mongolian invasion case blowing up in his face and that $500 mil scandal over administration and facilitation contract for Baginda Perimeter Sdn. Bhd. Told him to distance himself from the Ministry of War. He fell for it like a ton of bricks.
Sil Well, now you can talk to Bush about selling us 1 of their $bil Stealth Planes. Start the ball rolling. And get the Energy boys going on that $10 bil nuclear power station. There's $ bil's to bilk there. Got it? Pay attention and don nod off? That will be all for today!
PIH Sure. But how about a break for the fasting season?
Sil Not now. We have too many fires to fight. And I did say that's all for now?
PIH Sorry. Thank you. Bye.
.......................................................................................

Knock! Knock!

Whose there?
Me?
Come in. Ah, Good morning Rosemajibbed.
Rose If I told you once, I told you a thousand times. It's Commander In Chief Rosemajibbed to you, dammit. Tenn Hutt. Stand to attention in my presence and address me as 'Sir.'
Sil Sit down Rose. You are not in charge of the Ministry of War anymore. So, what's happening? What's the plan? What's the stragedy?
Rose Hold on young fellar! I only took over from MoM yesterday. I need at least a week to get a firm grip on things at MoM. They have scheduled a meeting in a resort at a nearby country in this region to throughly review PIH's budget and development stragedies. You know, we need to get away from all the politics so we can really think creatively.
Sil Oh! Where exactly? Why wasn't I informed? How many?
Rose Ge(cough, cough)ne(cough,cough)va(cough, cough). One(cough,cough)hund(cough,cough)red strong delegation.
Sil Wives included, with a stop-over at Oxford St & Harrods to study latest retail trends in the London region, I suppose?
Rose Yes, my No.2, Forexloosecannon has organised it all, you know, the genius ex-forex trader who hit Nat Central Bang for $6 bil consecutive sixes? You joining us?
Sil Yes, include me out. I'm too busy with transition plans.
Rose What transition plans? Shouldn't you discuss it with me since PIH has nominated me as the Alibabaji-elect to succeed him in 2010 or (cough,cough) God(cough,cough) willing early..mbfxlas!
Sil What? Don't mumble. Squeak up will you as trained by Firaun.
Rose Transition plans.
Sil Don worry about that. After all we agreed to save your ass over that Genghiz Khan Mongolian invasion. It's a done deal. You will be free by end of 31st October.
Rose That's wonderful. That's mean we can concentrate on party elections in December.
Sil Don worry about that. Just keep your nose clean and your wife on a tight leash. Comprendo?
Rose Oh sure. She just loves London & Geneva. And Italian leather leash!
Sil Well, that will be all for now. Dismissed!
Rose Tenn Hutt!
Sil Oh, stuff that crap. Just bugger off will you!
.......................................................................................

Knock!Knock!
Who's there?
Me.
Ah, Magoo Jagger No Bianca. Come in.
Magoo Look, if I told you once, I told you a thousand times. It's Side, not Magoo. And your joke about Bianca is getting old oreddy. After all it was a win-win result. So, can we be civil?
Sil Shut up, baldy. I'll call you what I like. Never in the history of human interourse has one Jedi Master Planner of The Realm screwed things up as much as you have in such a short time. Only you could have managed to move from being the most detested Master Planner for War to Master Planner for Embassies to being the most detested Master Planner for Home Science. You have done even better than Hercules. Zero to sub-zero to absolute zero in one leap.

And how was it win-win? They got the island and we got fcuking rocks smaller than your goolies. The Hells Angels sultan is after your arse, do you know? Anyway, what's happening? What's the plan. What's the stragedy?
Magoo Well, I have that Petra fellow Mohd ISA'd at Kamunting lock-up. Ha, ha!
Sil What's there to laugh at you fool! Only last week you said there would be no further Mohd ISA arrests. And then you back-track on it straight away? You have signed your own political death-warrant, do you realise that? Locking up a fellow Muslim during Ramadan. Do you have anything left in that skull of yours?
Magoo Just following the precedent set by your dad, PIH.
Sil Shut up, you idiot! He's not my dad and you'd better remember that if you don want to spend the holidays in Kamunting courtesy of Mohd. ISA!
Magoo You wouldn't dare!
Sil I don have to dare anything. I Raja Polis is after your corpulent butt for leaving them out to dry. They might lock you up 'for your own protection and safety' as it were!
Magoo You think? Maybe I should plan for a tour of maximum security lock-ups in the region - Guantanmo Bay, Alcatraz, Sin Sin in USA. A 200 strong delegation with wives and a stop-over at Paris, France to study latest trends in grape cultivation and other agricultural techniques.
Sil You'll be lucky if the USA gives you a Visa to allow you to visit your own home toilet! Just lie low and keep you motor-mouth shut and your signing finger up your anal-retentive bung. Dismissed!
Magoo Sorry. Bye.
.......................................................................................
Sil Good God! Is that 10 a.m. oreddy. Gosh that's a hard days work. Off now back home for a good cup of tea and nookie, er no, I mean cookie, er no I mean, biscuit. Er no, forgot. Nothing. Not even dog food. Must fast. If only the peasants knew how I have to slog for a living.
........................................................................................
Thus ends another strenuous, stressful day for the richest unemployed/unemployable man in the country.
..............................................................................................................
donplaypuks® with my palace of the successful prince , man!

EXCERPTS from MILITARY INTEL REPORTS - 1 (P&C. EYES ONLY)

'MoM, I Love You'
or
where the money really is

by col ollie south, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for military espionage affairs

'Yang ling, is it a promotion or demotion? I don thrust that lizard-eyed, hawk-nosed Rip Van Winkle!' screamed Mrs. Rosemajibbed, as her nails were being painted and the receding forehead artfully covered with the fringe from her perm and military-issue Estee Money Launder camouflage dye, foundation and cosmetics.

'Promotion of course, yang! Just in thime for Hari Raya too. I can pay a visit to MoM and do a collection for charity' boomed Chief In Command (not for long anymore) 6-Star General Rosemajibbed.

'Yang ling, but we did that with mother-in-law last year! Can we skip it? I Bosan oreddy. Let's head for somewhere really cool and romantic, like Paris or Venice? After all, you work so hard and really, really deserve it.

Howzabout a simple $1 mil research cum visit trip to study new Agricultural techniques in France and Italy, sponsored by Bintulu Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) or Politicians' Wives Charity Fund? And don give me any really moronic suggestion like going to Thighwan or Hong Kong. I then really sekali ped up, man' pouted Mrs. R.

'Yang, I mean to the Ministry of Money (MoM) as the Sith Jedi Master Planner of the Realm for Money. Anyway, we are all on full max Defcon 10 alert. The situation is critical. So, no holiday. We can't go overseas now!' shot back a dejected Rosemajibbed.

'Yang ling, you sure you want to move from the Ministry of War to MoM? There may be new contracts at MoW to oversee for $bil NS training camps and equipment, Russian AK47-Kalashnikovs and American M-16,21 & 25 combat rifles fitted with night-vision telescopes, Abraham battle tanks, night-scope goggles, Scorpeneis subramines, Sukhoi Jets or state-of-the-art Eurocopters and Stealth Warplanes' protested Mrs.R.

'Shows you've been concentrating on the low end contracts and the cheap bunco-artist's game, yang' puffed Rasemajibbed, as he mounted his treadmill for the evening work-out.

'Yang ling, whatever are you blabbing about?' posed a puzzled Mrs. R, as she dismissed her team of Estee Money Launder consultants, switched on the $100K Bose Karaoke System and reached for the solid 916 gold non-slip uni-directional microphone.

'Yang, can you stop thinking of spending and start saving? Let me list out for you from the top of my balding head some of MoM's achievements over the last 30 years:

1. Rescue of Bang Prince of the Earth - $3 bil (3 occassions)
2. National Central Bang Forex Trading Losses - $ 6 bil (some say $12 bil, some $30 bil). The man directly responsible, ForexLooseCannon will be my No.2. How lucky can you get!
3. Iron & Steal Scrap Metal Venture Factory - $6 bil (conservative estimate)
4. Last rescue of Mana Ada System Airlines - $ 2 bil
5. Rescue of RoadMudaDisunitedGameOverEngineers Plc - $4 bil
6. Portsweatinghangemhigh Free Warehouse Land Trade Centre - $4 bil (meter is still running)
7. Time@eternal.loss.con -$ 2 bil
8. Rescue of Firaun's son's Kapaltenggelam Plc - $2 bil
9. Space Training & Tourism - $1.2 bil
10. Investment in high tech incubator co written-off- $1/2 bil

11. Investment in Alpha Prodana Motors - $10 bil at least
12. Rescue of Alpha Prodana Motors - $2 bil
13. East Coast oil royalty re-spent - $4 bil, and more.'

'Yang ling, why the hell then have you been with this 'yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir' bunch of losers MoW all these years. No one's ever going to invade us. Are you telling me I've been married to the wrong politician all this time? Hmmph, maybe I should have gone to the Mufti about that alleged fling you had with that alleged slut allegedly in Port Dickson!' she flung at him, while fiddling with the knobs for 'Biduan,' her favourite karaoke number.

'Don be stupid yang, we are a team. You think you would have done betther with Imam Hadhari or Grumpymopeydopeydin or god-forbid, Sir Abim Obasama?' laughed Rosemajibbed.

'Yang ling, don make fun of me like dat. We mas stragedise as a team. Save for our retirement. We complement each other like two peas in a petai pod!' pacified Mrs.R.

'That's very romantic, yang. That's the you I love. In that case, listen up! Get MI to investigate and make a dossier of all the Federal Govt $bil projects proposed by Firaun & shelved by Rip. Get me a list of all Public Listed Companies in trouble or would be in trouble if we pull the plug. Check-out AuntyMay Bang Plc which is having a major problem with their grossly over-valued acquisition and possible loss of $1/2 bil, in Indonesia.

Sound out the architects for a $bil new HQ for National Central Bang & Managers of Money in Palace of the Successful Prince. Get cracking, you hear!!' ordered Rosemajibbed, growing in confidence with each word.'

'Yang ling, I shy shy thu look at you when you thalk like that. I thremble when you speaking in that commanding thone' whispered Mrs.R in a husky voice, as she dropped the mike and stretched out demurely on a $50K Italian leather couch.

'Yang, I'll make the USA Fed's $tril rescue of Fannie Mae & Freddy Mac and $85 bil bail-out of AIG look like a tsunami in a piggy bank. Yang, you have truly inspired me. You have stirred up all my energies to go out and conquer the World. This will be the greatest challenge of my career, one that will make or break me!!'

'Yang ling, something else seems to be stirring after that treadmill work-out and that masterly performance just now' trilled an archingly coy Mrs.R, as she fluttered her eyelids at his round ketupat-packed pecs and buns.

'At Ease!!' lashed out the General, as his gaze wandered lower down. 'But first yang, let's switch on RTUFO2 Telly. Turn the volume up. What's on?' queried Rosemajibbed as he sauntered to the couch.

'Yang ling, it's a P.Ramli classic, Ali Baba Bujang Lapok. Another repeat,' answered an expectant Mrs.R.

'That's the 100th continuous repeat in 100 days isn't it? A new entry in the Genius Book of Records, perhaps? Remind me to sack the CEO and Programming Head for RTUFO2 Telly will you, yang?' barked out Rosemajibbed as he made himself comfortable on the couch, next to Mrs.R.

'Yang ling, what about Sir Abim Obasama and 916.'

'Yang, I'm afraid three's a crowd. And besides, Sighful claims Obasama swings both ways, and I've no inclination to test that hypothesis out on my buns!! Lights out!! Tenn Hutt! Dari kiri, chepat...!

File Ref: MMVIII (EMIR 1 19/09/08).

donplaypuks with my mom, man!!

ps

report prepared by lion city spy, kali mali mangkali, agent 007.50, licensed to kill and/or steal from bodies dead or alive. preferred drink - the James Bond dry martini or 'The Vesper', shaken, not stirred! Recipe for 'The Vesper' martini:

1 cocktail shaker. add:

3 measures of Gordon's gin

1 measure of vodka

1/2 measure of Kina Lillet (not vermouth, but wine with quinine !)

generous portion of ice-cubes

shake mix well until ice-cold

pour mix into a deep champagne goblet

add 1 large slice of lemon peel

manglish/malay dictionary:
bosan - bored
bang - bank
don - don't
dat - that
dari kiri, chepat - army marching command 'from the left, quick
defcon - USA national security alert

ketupat - local sticky rice cake wrapped in coconut leaf and served with satay
ling - local abbreviation for darling
mas - must
oreddy - all ready
petai - a pungent legume said to have aprhodisiac value, favoured by locals
p.ramli - great, versatile malay actor, composer, producer and singer/musician of the 50's
sekali ped up - at once fed up
stragedy - tragic strategy
tenn-hutt - american army command for stand to attention
thalk - talk
thighwan - Taiwan

thime - time
thone - tone
thremble - tremble
thrust - trust
yang - local abbreviation for sayang or love/darling

THE SEPTEMBER 16TH CHRONICLES - PART V (FINAL)

'THE LAST SCUPPER'
or
'before the night is over one amongst you shall betray me!'
or
'you can check-out anytime you like, but you can never leave!'

(click on pic for enlarged view)

by eagle g.frey, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for hotel stone caves affairs.

Alibabaji and his 43 Warlord-Thieves (WT), together with a smattering of elite Mandarins, top 300 I Polis Raja and Judges for yourself were all arrested on the morning of September 16th, on the clear, unequivocal instructions of the new Minister for Home Affairs, Petra Raja SD, on the stroke of morning prayers.

In local parlance, they were Mohd ISA'd under Section 73(1) of the Act. The arrestees were read their rights and clearly notified they were to be incarcerated indefinitely at Kamunting Lock-up 'for their own safety' as police reports of 'extreme danger prejudicial to their lives' had been made all over the Nation.

A shocked Nation and World woke up to their breakfast TV news, with the sight of Petra Raja SD flanked by the all new line-up of Minister for Law Sivaji Raja, AG Haris P.Parliament Raja and the new CJ, the Right Honourable Hishamuddin Y.Raja, as they presented the facts of the case about the birth of a new dawn to a half-expectant Nation. A Ghandhianesque non-violent, peaceful transformation had been engineered. A Nation breathed a sigh of relief!

But how had the impossible been transformed to become the possible? Not that the People HAD NOT been forewarned.

But slowly, the details emerged in bits and pieces and trickles from the 'Behind Open Doors' inquiries held by the Royal Special Democracy Commission and from Statutory Declarations (SD's) posted in the most popular on-line blog-site, MalaysiaYesterday and from reports leaked to on-line newspaper malaysiasoros@.con.

To understand the revolution that had taken place, donplaypuks® had to reach far & wide to its network of investigative reporters and informers to piece together the complete story of 'The Last Scupper.' Now read & weep, with joy!:-

THE LAST SCUPPER

In the end they were undone by their own thievery. Had the $100 mil Bose state-of-the-art PA System been functioning properly, they would have had an early alert of their impending arrest, and possibly escaped. However, the directly-negotiated non-tendered out contract for the PA system had earlier been awarded to a Croney, who had promptly sub-conned it (unknowingly) to a PRC bogus electronics set up - Shandung-Marconi RCA Valves & Tubes - which had quoted a mere $1 mil for the whole kaboodle, including, installation, testing and commissioning. The local Certificate of Fitness (CF) had been issued even before the crates of 'Maded in PRC' equipment arrived.

Then ex-Supreumno & ex-WT of Sell-Out-All-State, Japo-Peruvian Fujimori Toyota had dismissed allegations of misdeeds and financial irregularities over the Bose equipment fiasco. He then leaked to the MSM that it was all stirred up by racist MP for Pure White County, Mad-as-Hell Teresa, who was promptly arrested (Mohd ISA'd, Section 73/1) by I Polis Raja SB prior to any formal investigations, for her own safety and well-being. But they had their ears to the ground and KNEW that this was exactly the kind of thing that could foment racial riots, and so had moved in to nip it in the bud, such fanatical, righteous believers were they in George Bush's philosophy of pre-emptive strike!

But we digress. Let's cut to the chase.

Late on the night of the 15th of September, a chauffer-driven August issue Prodana Limo shudderd along on a dark desert highway, obviously tolled, leading to the hills of Dutakennybigbangdamanshire or The Shires at 200 kph, the driver oblivious to the speed limit of 110 kph. You could tell the Prodana was a brand-new August model from the flapping boot-door and the inextinguishable right-turn signal light. Alibabaji manually wound down the windows to get a blast of relief-giving cool wind in his hair, to mitigate the air-con which for a reason he could not quite put his finger on, was hurricaning warm, humid air!

As they came to a stop outside the once magical door of the Stone Caves, which no longer opened or closed to the whisper of 'Open D Tap Once More Time Again Lah, Brudder' or 'Close D Tap Once More Time Again Lah, Brudder', Alibabaji caught a whiff of the warm smell of chapatis and roti chanais rising up through the air, via the open car-windows. Waves of nostalgia and longing assaulted him. Aah, he sighed, that must be Wigs, ex-WT & Leader of Kesatuan Alam Liga India Neopolitikachicken Arya (KALINGA), cooking up a storm. He salivated as he fantasized about the special tharka dhal, chicken vindaloo and goathead curry with ginger to prevent flatulence, as discovered in ancient times and now promoted by Wig's newly founded MAIMS (Magical Ayurvedic Institute for Medicines & Sthethescopes) University & College.

As he alighted from the car, he saw up ahead in the distance a shimmering light glancing off the $1b Krisistal Palace of Worship in the hills, reflected off a shower of glass! His head grew heavy, and his sight grew dim from the dazzling display as he wondered who got that contract. He knew he had to stop for the night here for the Party of all Parties. The WT's had come from far and wide, including the East.

There she stood in the doorway, in a splayed-on figure-concealing Nubian-black Dior raw-cotton gunny-sack, covered from head to toe, with openings for eyes and nostrils only, as desirable a blob of misshapen lump as any a Sheikh would lust for and sell his camel's soul off to own. He was not sure, as he heard the mission bell, and was thinking to himself that this could be heaven or this could be hell, as she lit up the candle and showed him the way. Hell, was it a she, he or it underneath, he really could not tell. But as they progressed to the great Cavern Hall, there were voices down the corridor and he thought he heard them say 'Wecome to the Hotel Stone Caves...what a lovely place, what a lovely face, if only I could peek at it...'

As soon as he entered, there erupted a massive roar as all the WT's, CT's, Mandarins, I Polis Raja, Judges for yourself and thousands of special guests and their trophy-wives, mistresses or girl/boy/it-friends greeted him. There were mirrors on the ceiling and non-alcoholic pink champagne on ice. Oh, how they danced in the courtyard, some flashing $50 thou Tiffany-twisted diamond rings and $160 thou Patek Philippe & Jaegar Leoultre bejewelled watches, while others did the conga round their Mercedes Benz Kompressors. They, the pretty, pretty boys like Sighful did not care a damn about the sweet fragrance of summer sweat. Some danced to remember and some danced to forget!

So he called up the Captain to bring him his whine.' No more directly-negotiated contracts, no more baksheesh! It's the end of the world for us! We haven't had that same spirit here since 1969,' he growled. So, he left him alone, clearly a prisoner of his own device.

'Aah Chief In Command and Alibabaji-elect, there you are,' he greeted 6-Star General Rosemajibbed. "Come close to me. Be forewarned, before the night is over, one amongst you shall betray me!' whispered Alibabaji.

'Shock, horror! No! Not a Jewish Zionist-type conspiratorial Judas among us! Never!' fibbed Rosemajibbed,'Tell me whom you suspect, and I shall have him Mohd ISA'd for his own safety!'

'No, no, I appreciate your loyalty, but it's ok. Let the games be played, let nature takes its own course.'

But he was hungry and wandered over to the halal no-see ham (cockles) char kway teow stall, where ex-WT for Traffic & Transport Jams & Badminton, Lin Dan Dar Ling, was doing his special flambe kway teow with chicken under grass, ably assisted by his heir, Dr.Lin HeaLing. Hea Ling had an entry in the Genius Book of Records as the only Biologist to have done a dawn raid on the KL Casino Exchange by taking over a baker's dozen (13) of Plc's with no prior experience in business whatsoever or cash at all. He had been immediately garlanded as Entrepreneur of the Century and within a year had succeeded in folding up all 13 Plc's and exiting with several hundred $mil in compensation. Lin Sr, otherwise knows as QuickYellow Death, had, in a short period of time following his premature retirement, eminently succeeding in overseeing the near demise of a couple of Plc's where he provided inspiring sonorous leadership of the horizontal kind. He also had a hand in issuing illegal very friendly letters of support for $4b (meter is still running) Free Warehouse Land Trade Centre in Portsweatinghangemhigh!

Alibabaji next waddled over to Wigs Yindian Food Stall. 'Is it ready yet?' he queried.

'Coming, coming, saab. Wall's ready yexepting the mutton varuval & goathead curry. The Sighfool yassistant chef did not marinate it. So, ve had to scour yit and hammer yit to soften yit. Yalso, ve stabbed the beast with our steely knives. Soon, ve can gather in the Master's Chamber of Food Hall and taste the finger-licking good stuff,' he enthused.

And boy, did they dance, sing, do their thang and karaoke till the wee hours of the morning, or did they!! There was Mrs. Rosemajibbed who launched off-key as usual into her repertoire of glorious 1950's hits as rats, even though engorged on the fat of the land for 50 years, threw themselves at the mouse-traps. Octogenarian WT's broke wind loudly, involuntarily. Why, Rosemajibbed even did his funky-chicken-in-scorpeneis submarine Mongolian break-dance routine, while Wigs, Firaun and Lin Dan Dar Ling broke into an impromptu Bhangra boogaloo all freak out chapatti flap-shake-heads-about. Even Alibabaji joined in with his Shalamar-like robotic sleep-walk-flip-flop-under-strobe lights disco number. MJ, eat your heart out!

And as the night wore on, they gathered in smaller groups here and there, where the raconteurs and wits had the others in fits as they regaled them with oft-repeated episodes from the ancient 1001 nights tall stories. Alibabaji caught snatches of these great tall story-tellings as he wandered from group to group:-

WT Maha Firaun - ...the sultan ordered me to sack...I had no choice...now $mil compensations to these...judge for yourself..slap in the face...RC...hung out to dry by mere possibilities...Ops Lallang 106 Mohd ISA arrests...apanama...not my fault...I forget...

WT rAPfire woman - female member for Kachek Ka'timah International Traders...why pick on me...everyone's son and uncle were given...and I deserve an Oscar at least for my crying scene with Firaun in Act 2, Scene2...

WT Grumpymopeydopeydin - male member for Ermenidildozena Cosa Nostra and Monopolies....as an honest politician...dammnit, there is no contradiction...I speak...only the absolute truth...I agreed before...now...it's not a u-turn, no way...the People know there is no rumour to the truth...

WT Kerismudin - male member for idiots guide to learning science & matrix maths...krisis waving...racial supremacy...apologise...if, but, maybe...misunderstood...zionist plotters...

WT Don Empty Suitcase - male member for Batang Kali Dua Unregistered Moneylenders & Forex Traders...I can't speak a word of english...oztralia...$30 mil...was peanuts...

WT male member for Flag Hill Bandits, Don Artificial Intelligence -...chinese squatters...quoted out of kontex...historical facts...shoot the informer...

WT Fujimori Toyota ex-male member for Long River Java Immigrant Racketeers-...that's mean sub-judice..no komen...let them investigate...deny land allocation in Black Forest Hills...

WT Magoo Jagger No Bianca - male member for Tall Nuts Pirates and WT for Home Science....I am only a WT...the home science office cannot question the cops...I don't know who gave the Mohd ISA orders...it's not my job...

And so the revelry continued until at the exact second of the morning prayers the whole Stone Caves shook with the sound of explosions and shattering glass from the windows, and doors blew off their hinges. Almost as if by divine timing! Hundreds of men clad in ninja and SAS-type black combat uniforms descended on ropes and pulleys from the gaping ceiling while more hurled themselves throughthe windows and doors, firing tear gas shells and rubber bullets. These were the dreaded Ultra Secret, Mobile Alert Terror Infantry (MATI) who were usually deployed in covert operations against Terrorists.

You could tell that some were also from the High IQ, feared volunteer-elite RELA-X group who possessed menacing shot-guns that were sawn-off at the handle end and the barrels were facing themselves!! The WT's tried to run for their lives hither and thither, but were too obese from years of over-conspicuous consumption and could only move at walking speed. All were collared before they could advance a foot and flee to the safety of non-extraditable rogue African and S.American nations and off-shore tax havens. They were packed into trucks and handed empty plastic bottles for the long journey.

The last thing Alibbaji remembered, he was running (waddling) for the door. He had to find a passage back to the place he was before. To the Palace of the Successful Prince. Why were there no messages or communication from 4th Floor?

'Relax,' said a familiar madman-like voice in a Nubian-black Dior raw-cotton gunny-sack that covered him completely from head to toe making him as desirable a blob of misshapen lump as any a passing Sheikh would lust for and sell his camel's soul off to own, as he dashed past Alibabaji. It was none other than Cassius Sil aka Hairy Plotter the Silly. 'Don worry. You.. are...all...programmed... to...receive... the best attention at Kamunting Lock-up. You will all be Mohd ISA'd there for your own physical safety and well-being FOR LIFE. Very thoughtful and considerate of them.'

'Yes, that's right Sil, absolutely right. After all, we made the rules and enforced it for 50 years,' they all screamed and moaned! All together now:

'You can check-out anytime you like, but you can NEVER leave !!.'

Tadadadadadadadamn, tadadadadadadadamn! tadadaddadamn......

donplaypuks® with my hotel, man!

THE SEPTEMBER 16TH CHRONICLES - PART IV.

'ALIBABAJI & THE 43RD THIEF!'

or 'brudder, can you count?'

(THE FINAL PART, PART V - THE LAST SCUPPER or

"You can Check-out anytime, but you can never leave' will be posted at 7 a.m. September 16th!! Don forget to log in!!"

by sheh heh heh radze burton, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for 1,001 nights affairs

The mentally sapped, bone and battle-weary, exhausted 40 Warlord-Thieves (WT’s) arrived in their latest chauffer-driven Prodanas and flip-flopped down willy-nilly in the high-back plush Italian-leather chairs around the Wooden Cabinet in that famous Stone Caves of wonders.

Even though they were parked around the concealed Stone Caves, in the shadows of the old oak trees with yellow ribbons tied round them, you could tell they were brand-new August 2008 model Prodana cars. The ‘10th engine and gear-box service due earlier of September 16th or 1,000km’ stickers displayed proudly in one corner of the windscreens were dead giveaways. Except for the WT’s from the East, who arrived in their Mercedes Kompressors, forced upon them despite their numerous protests. They had dutifully and conscientiously taken the precaution of providing a free ride to visiting foreign dignitaries hitch-hiking to the Capital!

Was it only 27 years, surely not? Gosh how time flies when you are having fun. But, these were not the best of times. The members of the Wooden Cabinet knew the krisis was literally at their door-step. September 16th was but a week away. And they had no solutions or stragedies to defeat Sir Asim Obasama’s attack on their New Deal Agriculture Bill, which if defeated in the House of $500 mil Repairs Leaking Caverns, would lead to wide-spread revolt and termination with extreme prejudice of the permanent kind for Alibabaji & his Kingdom of 40 Thieves.

No magic lamp and a genie to wish away all their ills. Not even a magic carpet to flee the marauding, watchful and vigilant snipers and opponents or the Oso Corrup Assoc. Even the judges who were once world-renown for their determination not to be bought by money alone seemed to have reformed and found new strength and feet.

Not so long ago, 27 years to be exact, Alibabaji The First had discovered the secret magical incantations in the famous hills of Dutakennybigbangdamanshires or the Shires, while wondering around in a state of constant and acute dilemma. He had always been regarded as being of the anal-retentive ilk by his fellow traders. But, he had seized his opportunity when it came. Carpe Diem indeed!!

All you had to do was stand in front of that magic Stone Caves and whisper the secret mantra,

‘Open D Tap Once More Time Again Lah, Brudder’

and out would flow an unending gush, no torrent, of Directly-Negotiated Non-Tendered Out EMU (EconomicMsplanningUnit@extra-gov.con ) Contracts.

$1b contract for Crooked Bridge To Nowhere Over Troubled Waters that did not even require detailed drawings. $300 mil contracts for Keposayang Bridge Over Troubled Highways that could be assembled with Horse Brand Super Glue. Contracts for $8b Bunkum Damns that were not even half-completed and cost-overruns were another $6b already. $1b contract for Krisistal Palaces of Worship reflected in a shower of glass. Brilliant $1b Long-Term Contracts for Regattas, sunk by a monsoon in a tea-cup and abandoned the following year. $6b contract for Iron & Steal scrap-metal biz. $b’s more for buses that don’t run, areoplanes that don’t fly, submarines that don’t sink or surface and double-tracks with no trains. And free-trade zone warehouses where no one trades, $2b & 3 b highways and power stations that cost 1/2 or 1/3 elsewhere. Not to mention the only known system of AP's in the world, where the holder could realise 100% Gross Profit on his Sales!! It was never-ending, or so it seemed.

A man’s reach could literally, easily, exceed his grasp when in possession of such a Contract, and boldly go where no man has gone before, to infinity and beyond to afford a 2nd or even 3rd tv newscaster, actress, diva or chanteuse trophy-wife by the simple expediency of a quick dash to South Thailand. And perhaps even later slyly tearing up the illegal marriage certificate to file for divorce & preserve wealth after enjoying a thrilling duku (fruitful knock) or ten at the drop-dead sexy & beautiful ladie's expense, leaving her stranded with the baby and the bathwater! Why, such wicked, evil behaviour was regarded, even admired locally, as chutzpah. It was often a pre-requisite for the assured elevation of WT's to some of the highest Public offices in the glorious Kingdom of Alibabaji & The 40 Thieves.

But, the WT’s really cared for those under their stewardship. They took their fiduciary duties seriously. Cries of ‘We are right behind you People. Tighten your belts and change your life-style. Be prudent. Economise now to defeat the beast of inflation for a better future for your children and your childrens' children!’ often rent the air very frequently in the haze and peat-fire smog-filled atmosphere of the Palace of the Successful Prince, especially from the 4th floor of it and below.

And when you had enough for the moment, all you had to do was whisper the secret mantra,
‘Close D Tap Once More Time Again Lah, Brudder.’

But then something went awry. Lately, the Stone Caves would NOT cough up to the magic words and would NOT shut or deliver contracts. They had tried everything. Halal certified Super Roller-grease, new ball-bearings (@ $1,000 per as disclosed by the Auditor General), C4 dynamite and prayers conducted by the Joint Consultative Religious Council for Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Sikhism, Taoism, Islam, Jainism, Judaism & Sai Babajism. Nothing worked. Even a loud threat to turn the Caves into a 6-STAR International Standard Heritage Hotel Twinned To Cultural Centre in Jalan TAR, elicited only utter silence. It was as though the camel’s back had finally been broken.

Eventually, the Stone Caves was Privatised to a Croney-owned $2 private company for $2 (all paid in shares with the Govt holding 1 Golden Share) with the specific caveat in the freehold title deed that ‘The Caves and the surrounding 1,000 acres of prime oak forest shall be utilised for tourism and tourist-related purposes only.’ The Croney promptly cleared most of the precious forest and sold the oak trees for $1/2b. After that, he embarked on disastrous hill-slope Condominium projects, resulting in massive land-slides and damaging flash floods throughout the Shires. The Croney then came up with a $2b proposal for a 30-year toll concession for the subterranean Flood Alleviation cum Reduction of Traffic Tunnel (FARTT). It was touted as 'being capable, pari passu (all things being equal)' of resolving the City's flood problems, when in actual fact it could at best mitigate 40% of it 'pari passu.' The project was promptly approved and hailed as a World's 1st with an appropriate listing in the Genius Book of Records.

The present Alibabaji was finally forced to bail-out the Stone Caves in the National Interest when the Croney next came up with a no-no proposal sketched hastily on the back of an envelope to develope the entire caves zone into a Las Vegas/Monaco/Macao-style Casino & Resort, aptly named Casiresortopolice! This was a sure-fired scheme guaranteed to lose Muslim votes at the next General Elections. Of course, it was all equitably settled with $2b cash compensation paid to the Croney for work-not-in-progress & suspended and the main cavern converted into Alibabaji's Kem Daud Think Tank Retreat. Another $1b had to be allotted, to tastefully re-furbish the interior (contract awarded to Cassius Sil’s Croneys) and beef up security (contract awarded to Rosemajibbed’s Croney). Such a stickler for justice and fair-play was our Alibabaji! Just, to a fault!

If an ill wind blows no good, then the Winds of Change blowing over the Kingdom of Alibabaji and his 40 Warlord-Thieves forebode trouble – Big Time!

Unbeknownst to the 40 WT’s were two more who were viewing the whole proceedings by CCTV from an adjacent, smaller, secret cave. They had clandistinely been indoctrinated into the WT cabal by Alibabaji and were none other than Cassius Sil (aka Hairy Plotter the Silly), Alibabaji’s Havoxbridge triple-degree holder PA and his constant companion, the half-Hindu, half-Christian Lion City spy 007.50, Harry Kali Mangkali, Chairman of gaji-buta (sinecure) Plc, Ecumenical Centre for the Masses of Libran Astrologers. Harry, who drank only non-alcoholic Martini, shaken, but not stirred, was licensed to kill AND/OR steal, from bodies dead or alive! Cassius Sil had lean and hungry looks and was constantly threatening to bury his opponents permanently!

‘Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, I call the meeting to order. They can start serving teh tarik, roti chanai, nasi lemak, rojak, chendol, laksa and Pasembur now. Rosemajibbed, what’s the plan? Any solutions? I’ve already announced my resignation. As Alibabaji-elect, it’s your call,’ quipped cheerfully an upbeat Pak Imam Hadhari aka Rip Van Winkle. Rip was sometimes cruelly mocked by wicked Chinese as 'Rip's Wan Wrinkled' as an answer to the riddle 'Who is the author of the famous Chinese Classic Novel 'Why Emperor Rip Has No Successor.' Of course this must take 2nd place to that other all-time no.1 Chinese Classic by Wan Hung Lo - 'Hernia!' And Rip was known to have Chinese DNA from his maternal grandfather from China!

‘Thank you’ whispered (he had noted how universally admired Don Corleone Marlon Brando was with this style of speaking in 'The Godfather') Chief in Command Rosemajibbed. I have consulted Sw(cough, cough) ami(cough, cough)ji Beeji(cough, cough). The stars are in our favour as are the actresses in Port Dickson. So, we have to move at full, break-neck speed.

I have a sooper stragedy to thwart Sir Abim Obasama’s plans to topple our Kingdom of WT’s. It’s called Ops Sikat Thighpay 1001-Floors Tall Story Skyscraper Everise Erection. I will be assisted by an eminently qualified Latok Captain Thief who is currently seconded to our Bintulu Broadcasting Corporation (BBC). He is none other than Latok CT SinKing Moh, who was also a major investor in the $4b (meter is still running) done-deal Free Warehouse Land Trade Centre in Portsweatinghangemhigh. The BBC had done excellent work for their overseas counterpart, BBC UK, with a sensational GongsiRayaDeepa Discovery Special titled ‘Do Frogs & Toads Leap Below or Above The Wind?’

‘Ah then, SinKing Moh’s done us in on a $4b deal. One of us. Eminently qualified!’ chanted the chorus as Alibabaji and the 39 WT’s murmurred as one.

‘Fcuking bloody hell, how did SinKing Moh achieve such outstanding results under our very noses? Take notes Harry Kali Mangkali! We will have him interrogated later by I Polis Raja and make him sing like a canary!’ swore a shaken AND stirred Cassius Sil.

‘The plan is simple. SinKing Moh will lead a team of 41 Captain Thief’s to Thighpay, Thighwan. They will spend their thighme in gainful employment studying how rice, vegetables and fruits can be cultivated in a completely solar-powered but otherwise artificial environment in a 1001-Floors Tall Story Skyscraper Everise Erection. Thighwan has the leading technology in the world for such tall story erections. Also, in view of unpredictable and changing climates, shortage of suitable land and high cost of labour, we need to look at not necessarily cheaper, but more economical alternatives to traditional agricultural cultivation methods.

With state-of-the-art solar radiation technology and new cross-breeding techniques applied with missionary zeal we will secure never before achieved record high yield throughputs & seed emissions. This will enable our WT's to penetrate export markets which are in the vice-like grips of cartels operating from East Asian countries like Thighwan,’ continued Rosemajibbed.

'Any rumour to the truth that it is a cover for belly-dancing junkets and visits to 3-way Shiatsu-Swedish-Thai houses of spas, nightclubs and ill-repute ?' barked the unapolegetic, obstinate member for Flag Hill Bandits, Latok Don It Rains But Never Porr Nohmore Smiles Suspended.

'Absolutely!' barked back Rosemajibbed.

‘Not necessarily cheaper, but more economical. Thats mean....?’ buzzed the chorus.

‘Thats mean $tril non-sodo mee noodles for tall story erection, based on very preliminary back-of-the-envelope calculations. Of course, excluding Architectural Master Plan & drawings, which may not be necessary. We’ll see, but lots of directly-negotiated Contracts,’ beamed Rosemajibbed.

‘Lots of Directly-Negotiated Non-Tendered Out EMU (EconomicMsplanningUnit@extra-gov.con ) Contracts!!’ thrummed back the chorus as they thumped the Wooden Cabinet and nudged and winked at each other, so chuffed up were they.

‘So, assuming we are not negatively disposed, and so as not to put too fine a point on it, what are Sinking Moh and the 41 BBC members’ expectations as loyal members of the Kindom of Alibabaji?’ posed Alibabaji.

‘All expenses paid plus half a mil for each of the 41 plus 2 mil and a cut of Directly-Negotiated Non-Tendered Out EMU Contracts for SinKing Moh . Total damage – rounded up to $25 mil non-sodo mee noodles including advance for condoms, no....er, I mean, serviced condominium - vs gains of $1 tril non-sodo mee noodles in Contracts. The bonus is, of course, our BBC members being so well informed, will counter all of Sir Asim Obama's attacks on the New Deal Agriculture Bill debate. The Bill will be passed and Sir Abim cannot topple us on the 16th of September. QED.’

‘QED Master Einstein Machiavelli. A dirt-cheap solution! Who pays? Thighpays!’ thundered the chorus as they rose as one in standing ovation, 'Bravo! Bravo!’ the chorus cheered.

‘Oh, and I take it we have no objection to indoctrinating SinKing Moh as our 43rd WT?’ said Rosemajibbed, still smiling and basking in the warmth of the adoring chorus of WT’s.

A hushed silence descended on the august gathering of WT’s as they collapsed in stunned stupefaction in their chairs. The old-warhorse WT member for Kok Lanun Highway Robbers, Latok Don Mata Kambing stood up in brave defiance with cup of tongkat ali tea still in hand, calling for a Point of Order. ‘Hrrrmph, I think thats mean the 41st WT, don you?’

‘I means 43rd. I stand my ground!’ shot back Rosemajibbed.

‘41st, damnitwit! Don play puks with us, you hear?’ joined in WT Latok Don Dick Tajam Qutubhudheen Ali Pitchay Rawther, member for Batang Berjuntai Chapter of the Mamak Gang, upset at being interrupted from laying into his plate of Nasi Kandar special from Dawood in Pearl Orient Island.

'Hear, hear! This is a meaningful discussion. At least we are squeaking up for the 1st time' pipped WT Latok Don Tai Khor Kaviasithardkaurass, ex-member for Heavenly QBB Gheehin Triad Kingdom of Great Piss & Jade Gate Clouds and Rains District, as he slurped his kolai of Soora toddy.

And then, it became silly and went on ‘Oh no, 41st, oh yes, 43rd….. and by the time the matter was resolved, Cassius Sil aka Hairy Plotter the Silly and Harry Kali Mangkali had quietly exited. Hairy had pulled out his cellphoning vibrator and given instructions to his Lion City friends to incorporate $2 capital paid-up Firefox Explorer Media@agri.con Agency to be awarded the $1b preliminary publicity blitz contract for the 1001-floors tall story sykscraper everise erection project – WISMA AGRIJAYA YAKIN AKAN NAIK GRANTEE SEMULAJADI (WAYANGS).

‘Well, Harry Kali Mangkali, you think Rosemajibbed can pull it off?’

‘I’ve no doubt he will be pulling at it this way and that way. But I’ll be leaving for Lion City in the morning and will be there till the 25th or so. I’ve been invited to tea by Harry Pap. Can’t refuse that, can one?’

‘Why, you sly dog traitor. Make sure you remember who your good friends were, will you?’

‘Sure will Hairy. Don call us, we’ll call you. Hastalavista, baby! I won’t be back.’

donplaypuks® with my 1001-tall story erections, man!

ps please do write in with other famous chinese classics

THE SEPTEMBER 16TH CHRONICLES. PART III.

'SIGHFUL IS PREGNANT!'
or
‘i swear, by the light of the moon and the stars’ by boys to women.

by cheiro edward cayce, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent on numbers and futures forecasting affairs.

(Part IV - 'Alibabaji & the 43rd Thief' to follow soon. Huh? wasn't it 40 Thieves?).

‘Yo Dad, you gotta hear this.This is a real zinger! It’s more serious than the postal votes in Rembau. It’s 666. The end of our World is imminent!’

‘If I told you once, I told you a thousand times Cassius Sil. Do not ever disturb me from my mid-morning power-nap! And don’t call me Dad. It’s Pak Imam Hadhari. Geddit? Anyway, now that I am half awake, where’s the fire?’ thundered Premier Rip Van Winkle, the usually Clark Kent mild-mannered type man of few words and even fewer actions, as he pulled his fingers out of his nostrils and thumbs out of his mouth.

‘Well. The Surgeon General from the Ministry, FRCS American I.Smile Everect Cocked Gun, has sent you a notification.’

‘What is it? Cancer causes smoking? Three Headed babies cause atomic radiation in Rare Earth district. Stomach cancer causes break out of GM-cloned potatoes and rice in Carrefour. No, let me guess, my favourite, increase in carcinogenic diseases in The Valley causes leachate leakage in landfill?’ Surprise me.’

‘He’s pregnant.’

‘Oh, ok, wonderful, congratulations! Just send the happy couple a box of Cadbury with a congratulatory card from US that says ‘All becoz the Lady Loves Milk Tray.’

‘What? You didn’t hear me correctly, PIH. I said HE is pregnant! SIGHFUL IS PREGNANT!’

‘What the Fu…no, what the Fish are you blabbing about?. Have you beeen coking out with your Havoxbridge triple-degree graduate friends again? What’s going on? First Home Science Minister Magoo Jagger No Bianca says it was consensual. At the PP by-election Sighful swore by the light of the moon and the stars that he’d been raped, but the AG has filed a case for consensual sex. Now you are all saying its Procreative Sex? WTF!! Surely there can be no rumour to the truth?

Where is that Surgeon General American I.Smile ECG? Fcuking Round the Countryside Side as usual, I suppose. Get him here NOW! I want to hear every word he has to say, in person.’

‘No. it’s confirmed. This is Top Top Secret For Eyes & Ears Only. FRCS has already fled to an unknown neighbouring country. But good thing, we have his only original attested irrevocable Statutory Declaration (SD) which I Police Raja has safely filed away in the vaults of Special Branch at Peace Hill Resort.’

‘Oh sure it’s as safe as houses in I Polis Raja's vaults where they keep concentrated nitric acid for chemistry classes. And, unknown neighboring country in local Govt & GLC-speak is London, New York, Paris, Tokyo, Munich or Sydney. Also, going by recent events, you’ll find a copy of the SD mysteriously turning up on Petra’s www anytime now. Doesn’t Immigration know where FRCS American ECG exited the country and tracked him down yet?’

‘Oh yes, they had captured his exit-point instantly in their records. But, it’s been mysteriously erased from the data banks of their $5 billion recently upgraded by direct-negotiations non-tendered our contract.’

‘Why? Was Military Intelligence involved? So, explain to me Cassius Sil, how could a young man, any man, be pregnant. Even Einstein & that couple Sherlock Watson & Prick Holmes, would have failed had they tried such an experiment, I should think’

‘You mean James Watson & Francis Crick, the Nobel Prize winning discoverers of the double-helix structure of DNA? Well, anyway it's a World First and we have submitted Sighful's Pregnancy for inclusion in our Genius Book of Records. It appears, Sighful felt uncomfortable again, complained of a bloated stomach, sore bottom and constipation on the 26th and his pet uncle and aunty took him to Piss Raw Wee Hospital for a check-up.There, apparently an inexperienced Bangladeshi MD of 25 years standing and service says he conducted an apparently thorough examination and issued a Medical Report (MR) which stated ‘Pregnancy & Rape Ruled Out.' Sighful had confessed to the Bangladeshi doctor that wanton procreative rape had taken place on 8 occassions altogether resulting in his pregnancy.’

Sighful, not satisfied, then proceeded logically to the klinik.pondok@ER.irajahotrodcon.gov.con for a second opinion. Extensive tests coducted at their world class fertility klinic established an opinion that ‘Pregnancy & Rape Could Be Ruled In’ and that further tests would be undertaken.

Surgeon General FRCS American ECG, who is also a Sith Jedi Master Phd in English, is of the opinion that ‘Pregnancy & Rape Ruled Out’ does not mean ‘Ruled Out 100% conclusively forever in a friendly court of last resort.' Judge for yourself.’

‘So, who’s the lucky father? And why haven’t you then instructed by untraceable and unrecordable cell phone call AG Ganesh Patel to press charges forthwith. Or informed the Religious Department that a miracle is in process, the end of the world is nigh and should we build an Ark? What’s the catch?’

‘First, no one at klinik pondok will sign the MR. All the senior doctors are also mysteriously FRCS in unknown neighbouring countries. Second, well, we need the prospective father’s DNA and fresh blood samples to confirm paternity. The alleged suspect, Sir Abim Obasama, when questioned, has told I Polis Raja to refer to International Accounting Standard (IAS) 6969.'

'And what's IAS 6969?'

'Something to do with stock valuation issue called the FO & FO method, I don't know. Also, The DNA Bill hasn’t been passed yet.’

‘I told you 2 weeks ago it’s not my problem anymore. I’m on unofficial leave till June 2010. Go sort it out with General Rosemajibbed and his gang. I’m off to the movies, that one with the young Jack Lemmon in it.’

‘You mean with Walter Matthau in ‘The Odd Couple.’

‘No, with Norma Jean - ‘Some Like It Hot.’

‘Who the fish is Norma Jean? I thought it was Jack Lemon, Tony Curtis & blond bomb-shell Marilyn Monroe.’

‘Go Google Norma Jean. Thats mean my kind of Versace-expensive Jeans!! Oh, my bargain Govt issue incredibly cheap $5,600 Dell Inspiron 1525 (with maintanance and trade-in thrown in by directly negotiated non-tendered out contract company but available brand-new for $2,700 with extended warranty thrown in on the internet direct from DELL) Laptop just went Ping! Ah, just as I suspected there is that FRCS American ECG’s SD just uploaded in Petra’s www. If you have any sense you will get SLOWMYX@.CON to block it out before the brown pulut hits the fan. Selamat Malam.’

LATER THAT SAME DAY AT A SECRET TEMPORARY OPS PLACE IN ROOM 69 CONCORDAT HOTEL

‘Ten Hutt! Well, Cassius Sil, how do we compute this one? That Sighful fool has gone and got himself pregnant. Sodo Mee 2 we can just about sell to the World, but Pregnancy? Our ship is sunk, surely!.And just when we needed him, I Raja Polis has got himself warded up with a bypass. So SD’s cannot be withdrawn by tea-party and gentle persuasive interrogation techniques. What have you got to say about this mess?’ fumed general Rosemajibbed.

‘Me? Why me? It’s you who want the throne so badly. You have not even repelled Genghiz Khan’s Mongolian invasion yet. So don talk big. Wait a sec, my vibrator no.5 is cellphoning! Let me answer that call. Hmm, yes, yes, yes, no, no, no! bye bye.'

What was all that about Cassius Sil?'

'The crisis has been averted. Apparently Sighful tried to abort the pregnancy by sticking a knitting needle up where the sun don shine. There followed a massive explosion of gas and they had to evacuate his home district for fear of hydrogen sulphide and sulphur dioxide pollution. The pet MAN FROM UNCLE has disappeared, 'Big Shit, but no Chief' story! Sighful is now warded at the GH and is suffering from massive PF Depression and facing major Torn Posterior & Colorectal Corrective Surgery. '

'I have heard of PPD - Post Partum Depression some mothers suffer from, following delivery of a baby. But, what's PFD?

'Post Fartum Depresssion!'

'And all the no, no, no?'

'Ah, I Raja Polis suggested the best cure for Sighful's PFD was a case of Magnum .357 calibre Dum Dum Parabellum '69 Champagne up the Khyber. The experience will apparently simply blow you to bits! A real gas blast-out!'

'Well, that's something you have to C4 yourself. Enough excitement for one day. Another false alarm! I'm off to the movies - 'Terminator 1,2 & 3 extended screening for 1st day of fasting.'

'Tenn Hut!'

'Dismissed!'
donplaypuks® with my DNA, man!

THE SEPTEMBER 16TH CHRONICLES – PART II

'POO POO TO PP? NOT ON YOUR LIFE!' or

‘we come here to praise caesar, not to bury him. the evil that men do lives after them. for the good is oft interred with the bones…if you have tears, prepare to shed them now. shakespeare

by cheiro edward cayce, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent on numbers and futures forecasting affairs.

(Par III - 'SIGHFUL IS PREGNANT!' to follow soon)

'You dare to wake me up from my mid-morning power-nap just to inform me of breaking news about Sir Abim Obasama's candidature for the PP by-election, Cassius Sil? Have you gone stark raving mad? You know the rules. Don't your guys at 4th floor ever read my memos?' roared Premier Rip Van Winkle, a usually Clark Kent-type mild-mannered, soft spoken man who had returned from a 7.30 a.m. hazardous and eye-opening LRT ride. He now knew what the peasants had to put up with in mass public transport and why his civil servants were always late reporting for work at the Palace of the Succesful Prince.'

'Well, I thought you might want to know. I will bury him, that 3-minutes instant sodo mee crazy traitor,' screamed Cassius Sil, otw aka, Hairy Plotter the Silly, a dark man with lean and hungry looks, furious that Rip's indifference would deny him the only route to the highest office in the land. How then could he acquire an actress or tv newscaster as a 2nd trophy wife befitting a Havoxbridge triple-degree graduate? S..t !

'If you have tears, prepare to shed them now. It may be your career that may result in being interred with the bones if you mess about. Anyway, it's not my problem. I have already announced my retirement due in 2010. So, let General Rosemajibbed worry about it. He's the one going around saying it's his destiny.' mumbled Rip, as he turned over on the sofa with his back to Cassius Sil. 'Oh, and wake me up only if Obasama does not win, understand?' yawned the man aka Imam Hadhari.

'Fcuk you, old goat!' swore Cassius Sil under his breathe, as he stormed out, heading for Gen Rosemajibbed's Secret HQ in Room 69 in Concordat Hotel.

'Ah, there you are General Rosemajibbed. You heard about PP and Obasama? We have to do something quick. Kerismudin is threatening to go down to PP and wave his krisis all over. That will finish us off once and for all. And then, Dopeygrumpymopeydin is suggesting we dont turn up, give Obasama a walk-over!'

'Ten Hutt!’ Slow down young bull-dozer. Firstly, you will address me as Sir. Understand that and stand to attention in my presence! Next, forget about Kerismudin. If he steps anywhere near PP, the Chinese will have him for breakfast and not even burp! As for Dopeygrumpymopeydin, if he thinks he can poo poo the PP matter and hei ho, hei ho to a higher position by playing puks with us, then in the next wooden Cabinet, I will put him in charge of the new pig farm in Sell-Out-All State. I may even be tempted to ask the Oso Corupt Assoc to look into how he can afford $10,000 Ermenadildozena & Bossy Suits. I will not hand PP to Obasama on a silver platter, you better understand!

I have advice from Swamiji Beeji that ‘in sighful-nes may lie my salvation.’ You comprendo? That’s your job for the PP campaign. Milk Sighful to the maximum. Cream him. Probe every angle, nook, corner, aperture and grotto. Leave no hole unopened. We can’t defeat Obasama in PP, but we can blacken his name as much as we can.’

‘But Sir, thats mean it would be sub-judice. Not quite cricket, wot?’

‘How green you are. Judge for yourself. In our country, we have the most number of honourable men whom money alone cannot buy. You also have funds left over from the my cup runneth over the monsoon bash, non-krisistal palace of worship and that gaji-buta plc, Ecumenical Centre for the Masses of Libra Astrologers.Your half-indian, half-christian friend Harry Kalimuthusamyji, the Lion City spy, and his gang have control of the dailies. We have too Apanama News Agency Liaisons (ANAL) exclusively for our propaganda. And then we have our ace in the hole, Agent Provocateur HotRod One Two KO who will organise the assaults on reporters and intimidation of voters. HotRod One One KO, code name Black Moose, is unfortunately recovering from a by-pass and cannot assist us with his usual traffic jams, water-cannons and tear gas.’

‘Sir, yes, yes. But who will be our candidate for PP? It’s a sure loser. Who can we sucker it to?'

‘See how naïve you are. For 10 million reasons, there will be a queue from Palace of the Successful Prince to PP, to apply for the one-off job. I have already chosen our man. He’s none other than a Doctor of Public Administration from the fake Thomas Alva Swan Bulb University in Wisconsin, Arizona, USA, and he is conversant in Mandarin. Very clever & innovative of him to set up a fake Alva University website using PP as the address for Wisconsin, Arizona. You know, Dr. Omar Sharif Shah Onnasis, that Goondu mamak Incredible Bulk, who like his brother, is eminently qualified to fail. He is one of our Glocals who managed to get admission to a Phd course immediately after completing his diploma course in food-eating technology. He’s more qualified than Obasama, who is only a basic degree holder. ’

‘Sir, Good God, you don’t mean his brother is Jacqui Shah Omar Onnasis who’s done the Rakyat for $7 billion out of a $24 billion project where they floated a Glocal MNC which has now sunk like a torpedoed scorpeneis submarine without a propeller, gone bankrupt and they have shipped him off to Saudi?’

‘Yes, he’s the one. If only he had focussed on business instead of gambling on the stock market casinos. So, get cracking Cassius Sil. My men are already under, on and above the ground and in the air in PP. And, I have my ace-in-the-hole which may just swing the votes our way!’

‘Sir, what may that be Sir, if I may be privy to such skullduggery and masterly Machiavellian planning? I may learn a good lesson here. Is it more devastating than a Statutory Declaration (SD), Sir?’

‘Fcuk off Cassius Sil. Don’t test my patience. Dismissed!!’

2 WEEKS LATER.

‘Sir, Obasama won with an even bigger majority, Sir. How could that have happened? What went wrong and whom shall we sack?’

‘Ten Hutt! You idiot Cassius Sil. You never learn do you. If we were to sack our people for every single $billion mistake they made, there would be none of us left in Govt, including you and your father-in-law, stupid. Geddit!!?’

‘But Sir, what about your ace-in-the-hole? Why didn’t that sink Obasama? That priest Ramalamadingdong Porikki #1 did a u-turn the next day by waltzing over to Sir Abim Obasama’s Campaign HQ, after he witnessed Sighful’s public confession by swearing on the holy book. Why didn’t the People belief in Sighful’s own public and door-to-door confessions? And what about all the millions we gave away to the poor People in PP to stay at home and not inteRfere in their own internal politics? I can’t figure it out!!’

‘I’m now wondering if the donations we allocated to the temples and the People were shared equitably with the poor. Get me BUMNOSE’s Head Beancounter on the line. Ten Hutt! Now listen here you Head Beancounter Zerobedicheroot, bring me the books and receipts for a quick audit. What!! You can’t do that without a direct order from Imam Hadhari? Damn, thats mean stabbed in the back again.

Et tu Brute? The unkindest cut of all !! Dismissed!'

NB
#1 porikki – low down beggar

donplaypuks® with my PP, man!

THE SEPTEMBER 16TH CHRONICLES- PART I

'SWAMIJI BEEJI' or

'the heir apparent!'

by cheiro edward cayce, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for numbers and futures forecasting affairs.

(PART II - POO POO to PP? NOT ON YOUR LIFE' to follow soon)








It was the late evening of a sultry, humid, hot, sweaty Saturday. Locals call it Night Fever.

A sleek, black Govt-issue Limo with fully black- tinted windows and windscreens comes to an abrupt, screeching hall outside the old abandoned annexe next to the Mariamman Temple, a stone’s throw from the old Police Sation and Chinatown bazaar where you can buy ‘original imitation’ watches, branded and designer t-shirts, track-shoes, you name it, for $20, or ‘ok, ok, what’s your bes pry, brudder?’

You could tell at a glance that the limo was a brand-new Prodana from the East Coast. The exhaust pipe was spitting sparks and black smoke and the mechanic was still under the hood attaching the fuel pipe to the carburettor. And the visiting foreign ambassador from Afghaniranqstan was seated in front, next to the driver. A mere $50,000 maintenance job for an August 2008 model; a steal of a quote at that price. The 100 Rolls Royce Silver Shadows parked helter-skelter all round the annexe could not hold a candle to the majesty of the Prodana. The driver, Thangaraju Velu MGR, gets out an opens the back-seat passenger door.

Out steps a fairly tall, burly leaning-towards-corpulence balding Man of indeterminate race and age, sartorially elegant and sporting a Marlborough Rough Rider College Tie. At $200G’s a year for just primary school fees, Marlborough was no place for even the average millionaire’s kids. Here was a Man harbouring great ambitions. A Man who had been denied his rightful ascension. A Man who had heard of a prophecy he could not forget.

‘Tenn Hutt!’ screams TVMGR, used to the commands and protocols of selective national service. ‘At ease’ whispers The Man as he alights on to the kerb.

Chief-In-Command 6-star General Rosemajibbed was a man of great composure under pressure and one not given to raising his voice in public. ‘And MGR, next time, leave your notebook, tape-recorder and Statutory Declaration forms at home, will you please?’ he continue in sotto voce, with the ghost of a smile hovering on his lips.

‘Come, come, welcome CIC Gen Rosemajibbed. You’re early, but the Swamiji is free now. Let’s go before someone spots you here. Follow me.Quick!’ greets Dr. Kenneth Chandramustafalot Iyer, as he turns and rotates the wheels of his super-deluxe wheel-chair with his powerful simian arms, into the foyer of the strange looking annexe.

The good Doctor K Chandramustafalot Iyer, a once visionary politician, was but a shadow of his former self. An office boy who had managed to work his way through medical school and then abandoned his practice, had, against all odds, become an real-estate entreprenuer-magnate after marrying the widow of his dead ex-boss.But his sacrifices had been huge. He had had to change religion AND race, impossible anywhere else in the world, but not unusual in a land of opportunity and mega-possibilities. And, when later still his political ambitions lay in tatters, he reverted to the time-honoured profession of his fore-fathers – switching political camps, forecasting numbers based on astrology, numerolgy and palmistry and priesthood. Like a story from some Greek tragedy!

‘I can see steam, smell sulphur and there is a fog-like atmosphere in the room beyond. This whole place reminds me of Delphi in Greece and the famous Oracle. Is that steam coming from an underground vent that perhaps goes all the way to the center of the Earth to the home of the Titans, as in Greece, Chandra? Some kind of shadow dancing going on?’ queries Rosemajibbed.

‘No, saab, the Bhagwan is having his matlock-hair and beard steam-shampooed for a new frizzed look’ replies K Chandramustafalot Iyer.

‘And the Chopsticks? Is that the Vidal Sassoon technique to get an even frizz?’ pursues Rosemajib, his curiosity now fully awakened.

‘Oh no saab. The chopsticks are for his lordship to eat char siew wan tan mee kon low noodes for supper, his favourite. But come, let me introduce you to his Lordship, the Swamiji Bhagwan Sri Bungunwashed Baksheesh Ji, founder of the Worldwide Howdeepisyourlove Free Love Society, School of Transcendental Meditation, 3 & 4-D Numbers Forecast & Predictions University. Everyone calls him BeeJi.’

‘Blessings and welcome to my humble pondok CIC Gen Rosemajibbed. May I call you Rose, by any name smells the same? Ah, good. Thank you. Do you want to hear a dirty joke first or shall we get straight to business’ BeeJi oozes.

‘Hmm, no, I am a bit rushed for time. So, I’ll skip the jokes. If we could get to the meat of it straight away please’ whispers Rose.

‘Shucks. I would have normally started with a joke. That one about the unicorn, the midget and the princess is damn good. Never mind. But first, you have to settle 1 or 2 things with Chandra. Ahem, Chandra, baksheesh?’

‘Ah yes, CIC. This way please. It will be $10,800 in advance please and two coconuts. 108 is very lucky number for us.’

‘You take cheque? And where the hell am I to get 2 coconuts at this time of night?’

‘Sorry. Andavan meethu muzhu nambikai; matravar ellam, rokkam!’

‘Whoa, don lah gasak (whack) me like that. I know I went to a public school in London. That was a long time ago. But you scholars! Translate please. Is that Greek or Latin.?’

‘No lah, Tamil. In God we trust absolutely; everyone else pays cash! And it will be $2 extra for the coconuts. But we do have a special 30%-off family rate with 12-instalments zero interest rate credit card payment promotion scheme.’

‘Oh, ok. It’s all in this brown envelope. Do I get a receipt?

‘Sure. Here it is.’

‘But that’s only for $1,000. What about the rest?

‘Don’t worry. We invented the 3rd oldest profession in the world. Accounting, Taxation and Biz Management. So, we have the 2 books system, And of course, your Coalition Cabal knows all about the ‘2 for me, 1 for him system’ surely? I’m also a qualfied accountant myself.’

‘I’ve been to Khajuraho. I think your people invented the 1st oldest profession in the world too. Not to mention the 2nd one also – the Brahmin priest. Do you know that Ken Arok, founder of the Indonesian Javanese Hindu kindom of Singhasari in 1222 AD, had a mother who was the wife of a Brahmin? Go Google it. Oh, and btw, which institute do you belong to?’

‘MIAICBMB.’

‘And what’s that? Don’t believe I’ve heard of it before’

‘Mumbai Institute of Aryan Inter-Continental Ballistic Management & Beancounters. Our Motto: ‘How much Tax you want to pay? You add. We subtract.’

‘Great. Now that we have settled the biz end, shall we get on with it?’

‘Oh sure CIC. But you have to understand. BeeJi will be in a semi-trance and speaking in a squeaky voice like the way Barry sings. For only $5,000 more + sales tax + VAT he can be in a full trance. Ok, please take a seat in front of the altar. He will be sitting in the lotus position behind the semi-transparent silk screen. For only $1,000 more + sales tax + VAT, we can change it to a fully transparent silk screen. Also, you can only ask him 3 questions, no more, or it may cause him brain seizure and epileptic fits.’

‘No. That’s ok. No need to change anything. I’m used to all these smoke-screens.’

‘In that case, fire away!’

‘Question1 . Will I become the Great Leader, oh Venerated BeeJi? Will the RAHMAN prophecy come true?’

‘That’s 2 questions, but I’ll let it pass since they are related. There’s no RAHMAN prophecy. After all, the first Great Leader was Abdul Rahman, not Rahman Abdul. Some idiot fits a hypothesis to not even a logical order of 1st and 2nd names and you all think you have a Nostradamus monotrain (as opposed to a quatrain)? You are confusing it with the ABRAHAM conundrum, which is linked by some to BRAHMA, the creator in the oldest religion in the world. Atheist and Agnostic are the opposite of Theist and Gnostic. Hence, by moving 'A' to the front of Brahma, the Jews coined the opposite Abrahm. Abrahm became Abraham by Arabic and English translation from Aramaic. And it suited them to have the ‘ham’ since orthodox Jews do not eat flesh of the swine. Whatever. It’s only words.

Abraham was born to create a new People by uniting the disparate, warring tribes. That you cannot do, I am afraid.’

‘You mean I will never be the PM? Oh, God! I’m screwed.’

‘I didn’t think you were that way inclined. But, no, I did not say that. Your question was whether you will become the Great Leader. My answer is, No!’

‘Oh, you mean the game is not over yet Master BeeJi. I’ll have every reason to go to the office in the morning then.’

‘Whatever you do, make sure your office is above 4th floor so you can see what’s happening below. Question 2 , please.’

‘Question No.2. Who poses the greatest threat to my becoming the PM?’

‘Aah, when I was meditating at mid-day under the shade of a tree in the orchard at the back to this annexe, a half-ripe mango fell just like that on my divine head and split in two when it landed on mother earth. I picked it up and tasted it. It was bitter-sweet and while I was contemplating on the transcendental philosophical implications of this curious incident, the sound of running water and a ditty 'I just gotta get a message to you' was playing in my mind’s ears. Can you interpret it Rose?’

‘Oh, running water means a stream or river and sweet-sour mango? It must be P Pauh. That’s mean my old enemy Sir Abim Obasama. Damn! Sigh, sigh, sigh!’

‘I prefer char siu pauh or better still, orang kaya pauh (pauh - chinese steamed bun). But, you are very insighful, Rose. That is a sign. In Sighful-ness may lie your salvation. Think deeply. Meditate intensely on it. Question No. 3?’

‘Question No.3. Can you divine the waters to see if Genghiz Khan will invade our empire and sink me with his court case at the ICJ?

‘While purifying the holy images in the compound this morning, a passing pigeon’s droppings fell into the holy water, causing it to foam, in which I could divine a vague outline of some kind of vegetable, a pot and a strange wooden instrument of some kind which I have never seen before. Here look into this holy vessel. What do you see?’

‘Ah yes, its some kind of a large, long scorpeneis submarine-like tubular vegetable or fruit.That’s it . A melon of some kind. And that pot is a betel-nut leaf pot containing lime paste. And that very long wooden flute-like thing. Hmm, of course, I’ve seen it down under. That’s mean what, Bee Ji, take another look? C4 yourself.
Genghiz Khan. Court Case. Squash, Chunam. Didgerrydoo. Hmm.’

‘Melody fair ringing in your ears I think. Time to uncork the champagne, perhaps?’ Let me jais check and see if unwanted intruders are around. Then we can share a rare vintage of chilled matues rose wine, perhaps?

‘Well Rosemajibbed, you have exhausted me. I can’t do anymore crystal-gazing tonight. A quick riddle. Another word for dentures? Massachusetts. You will have to excuse me now. Enough of jive talking for one night. Bye.’

‘Bye oh great BeeJi. Thank you. And you too Chandra. Could you please call MGR to bring the Prodana wheels over?’

‘Well, looks like you’ll be staying alive yet. But if you will bear with me for a minute. Perhaps you would like to sign up for our ‘BeeJi's Direct LineTo God' Loyalty Programme? For every 3 consultations, you get 1 free with 2 bonus question thrown in. Annual membership fee is only $50 for a chip-based card and the starter kit includes the book, ‘Feng Shui vs Vaastu’ by Lily Two’s A Crowd and you get redeemable points for using your card at any 4-D outlet. Interested?’

‘Well, give all the forms to TVMGR and I’ll send it back with the Statutory Declarations next week.’

‘And before you go, we must not forget the holy water ablutions. Here, tie this towel around your shoulders and just lean forward. I’ll wet your head, then you must rub on the holy ash on your forehead, then apply sandalwood paste followed by vermilion powder tilak on top.’

‘Hang on, that water looks brown and gungy. Where the hell did you get it from? It looks like the kind of liquid you get after it’s been filtered through someone’s kidneys.’

‘Ah, CIC, sad to say it is something very common in the City and Sell-Out-All State since that Japo-Peruvian, Fujimori Toyota, became CM. There was a time in the dim, distant past when you could drink it straight from the tap. Now without his Holiness’ blessings to purify it, it could kill you. Oh, the hair of the heir apparent is wet! But have no fear, you should be dancing all the way to the Palace of the Successful Prince! Ten Hutt!'

Dismissed!

donplaypuks® with my future, man!
Ps see how many BeeGees song titles you can spot in the blog.
rosemajibbed & priest pic courtesy of http://zorro-zorro-unmasked.blogspot.com/

POT LUCK, ANYONE ?

by syed yamin abdul bukhari usman (syabu), donplaypuks® free-lance intrepid correspondent for 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds' & 'Puff, The Magic Dragon' affairs

It was the week of tumbling commodities & agriculture futures prices where johnny-come-lately speculators got their fingers and undepants burnt as well. Donplaypuks® commissioned its special deep-cover free-lance investigative journalist, Syabu, to carry out a secret and in-depth protoscope probe cum plastic tube (batteries not included) investigation into the strange goings-on at the HQ and Branches of our Futures & Commodities United Paradigm Shafting Synergy Systems (or FUCUPSSS for short).

Syabu managed to penetrate deep into the convoluted colons of FUCUPSSS’s labyrinthine entrails to record a 'go burn em type' secret oral & dvd interview with an informed source from the highest echelons of the organization. Deep Throat, identified only as Chief Propaganda Orificer, Firdaus Fandi Benny ( a false name and rank) or CPO FFB, made some startling disclosures, under promise of anonymity and admission to the National Witness Protection Programme (to be tabled in Parliament by 2020), as follows:-

Syabu

How did the speculators manage to dupe FUCUPSSS for so many years? I understand you have some of the most professional as well as London & Washington-trained Enforificers and Unbreakable Security Systems in the World.
CPO FFB

True. But these Zionist speculators and traitors managed to penetrate our ISO2020 IT Computer Security System while in the midst of it being upgraded under a directly negotiated non-tendered-out $ 4 billion EMU (Economic@MsplanningUnit@.gov.con) contract awarded to a company linked to some People of the Book and Lion City.
Syabu

I understand the speculators and rogue traders in the Ujong Tanah incident were initially caught with their fingers in the cookie-jar. How did they then manage to escape from their restricted rooms and retrieve the FFB’s from FUCUPSSS’s security vaults without being spotted?
CPO FFB

Well, they might have had some extra-terrestrial assistance. UFO's.

Syabu

Were the Chinese Triads involved?

CPO FFB

Can't say, man. But for sure there was a lot of chasing the dragon!

Syabu

So, you mean it’s confirmed it was an inside job?
CPO FFB

You didn't hear it from me.
Syabu

How was it determined that it was an inside job?
CPO FFB

Our Internal Enforificers found some of the FFB fruits in the wallets, boots and on the dining table in the living rooms of the conspirators.
Syabu

Whoa! So congvingnience one ah?
CPO FFB

Well the conspirators confessed as well and led us to the evidence.
Syabu

Just like that? They caved in to gentle persuasion in a tea-party like atmosphere in the dungeon? Similar to all those people who confessed to consuming illicit instant 3-minutes Sodo Mee in 1998? What great, friendly tea-parties they must have been, don't you agree? The Enforificers claimed that time they never even had to raise their voices once.
CPO FFB

Standard methadoneology and Geneva Convention interrogation techniques were applied. We are very strict about that.
Syabu

I heard the old rubber hose or plastic tube (batteries not included) and standing wearing only underpants under the air-con at full ice-freezing-blast techniques were used to extract confessions. Speedy results!
CPO FFB

Essentially, Speed was the main issue. So, we sent in our Crack squad of Internal Enforificers, the best in the business.
Syabu

How were the security vaults compromised? Do you normally store concentrated Hydrochloric Acid on the premises?
CPO FFB

Don be stupid! Of course NOT! We store concentrated Nitri Acid.
Syabu

What for?
CPO FFB

You ask me, I ask you lah. Maybe the Skurity Sarjen is a closet chemistry buff training for 'Mastermind' competition in the UK, specialty subject - 'Corrosive Action of Concentrated Acids on Metal Locks.'
Syabu

What about CCTV footages?
CPO FFB

There are some curious gaps and chewing gum in the footages.
Syabu

And where was the Security Sargeant when the vault was broken into?
CPO FFB

Right there at his desk outside the security vault.
Syabu

Oh, you mean..er... zzz…like Rip Van Winkle?
CPO FFB

Yes, let’s move on.
Syabu

What about that incident in Nine Counties? The traders manged to pick a maximum-security vault lock with a piece of metal from a toilet-seat hinge? And then returned with the FFB to the holding rooms to party with FFB ice-kachang?
CPO FFB

Highly ingenious and innovative! They apparently needed the fruits to mix some very potent 'kick' cocktails to celebrate their record quarterly results.
Syabu

They must have had ‘friends’ in high places.
CPO FFB

Yes, they and their friends managed to get to some Very High places at the party that night.
Syabu

And what about the million $ FFB losses from Fort-Knox Vaults at Sell-Out-All State under CM Fujimori Toyota, our first Japanese CM from Peru, some years ago?
CPO FFB

Well a lot of grass has grown under the feet since then. But the Enforificer Rogue Traders were severely dealt with, you know.
Syabu

You mean…no, they wouldn't do that, would they? Good God, no!!
CPO FFB

Yes, all transferred out of the state to the East on 24-hour’s notice with promotions, pay increase, special 1-off bonus and certificates of commendation included.
Syabu

That severe punishment, huh? Like what happened to that teacher who uttered racist remarks?
CPO FFB

There are no exceptions, you must understand. It is standard FUCUPSSS country-wide policy.
Syabu

Rather myopium policies and strategies, wouldn’t you say?
CPO FFB

National stragedy!! Poor strategy ending in long-term permanent tragedy.
Syabu

A lot of money gone up in smoke. Perhaps a case of too many men of poor quality, perhaps?
CPO FFB

You think they should recruit and also promote more women?
Syabu

Why not? Can’t get worse than now, can it?
CPO FFB

Yeah, maybe there will be a heroin or two to improve the morale and image of the Enforificers. You think?
Syabu

You bet!!

donplaypuks® with my cpo ffb pot of luck man!!

BEIJING OLYMPICS ROCKED BY SCANDAL ONE !!

by dung xiao ping pong, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for olympiad affairs

'Games brought to a virtual halt' reports Chi Hwa Hwa Lap Dance Poodle National News Agency.

‘British and Western colonialist conspiracy’ accuses Adolf Robber Muggles Mugabe, as he launches world’s first trillion $ loaf of bread franchise in Harare.

‘malaysiasoros@.con Zionist plot,’ condemns ex-Chief Master Planner of The Realm, Maha Sith Jedi Darthvader Maha Rama Firaun 1 or Pak Langsung Tak Bajet or affectionately known as Tak Bajet, for short.

'No rumour to truth of abduction' says WCW New State Thimes, Stripes & Stars.

'What the hell was that??!!' says mayor of Hiroshima.

Barely into its first week, the 08-08-08 Feng Shui-blessed Beijing Olympics ground to a virtual halt today as protesters disrupted the games by kidnapping IOC President Jacques Sauniere Damn Hash Brown Mitterend Sarkozy Froggey and threatening to force-feed him with Freedom Fries and Ketchup if their demands were not met immediately.

The little known protest group which goes by the acronym of MILF (Machingdon International Liberation Front) claims to hail from the murky islands of the Golden Chersonese. MILF is known to have as its motto “Two Legs Good, Four Legs Better And Some Are More Equal Than Others.” The protesters are believed to have taken their captive to their temporary HQ in the jungles surrounding Peace Hill Resorts on the outskirts of Beijing.

The following short message was emailed to donplaypuks® by MILF Chief Spokesman, Dung Wang Ngee:

“Ever since the Olympic Games commenced in 700 BC, the rules have been formulated to make it impossible for Golden Chersonians to win a Gold Medal. In modern times this conspiracy has continued with the changing of the FPS (foot, pound, second) and CGS (centimetre, gram, second) to the French SI (Systeme Internationale or Metric System with metre, kilogram, second) measurement system which the Yankees have still not implemented in the USA. And, damn these terrorists, they still drive on the right side !!

Two thousand years of colonization and paradigm shafting by these Zionist and/or their sympathisers has made it impossible for Chersonians to compete on an equal footing with Westerners and other pro-Zionists so much so that we will not achieve our target of at least One Gold Medal in the Olympic Games by 2020 unless drastic steps are taken. In view of these iniquities which are an obscene assault on our God-given inalienable human right to compete, we, the MILF, DEMAND that the following ADDITIONAL NEW SPORTING DISCIPLINES be made MANDATORY IMMEDIATELY in this and all future Olympics to enable us to compete, win and acquire international respect, renown and sustain national pride. Olympic Gold, Silver & Bronze medals shall be SUPPLEMENTED WITH ADDITIONAL PRIZES:-

1. Most number of RCI’s that can be held within a 4-year period where no action is taken to act on the RCI’s recommendations or to press charges against anyone.

Gold-8D/7N for 2 couples at Auckland Zoo, with initial rendezvous in Singapore. Bodyguards wil be provided. Voluntary hand-over-shoulder photo-shoots strictly NOT allowed.
Silver- 5D/4N for 3 couples by Lake Geneva Chalet. Photo-shoot with ex-Army General included.
Bronze- 2D/1N at Lord Lingham’s Saucy MiCastleYourCastle Curry House. Whisky and drunken, incoherent 'maybe he is, maybe he isn't' shyster's monologue with Jedi Judge @ no extra charge. Go burn your own CD.
Special Platimum 4th Prize- 2-hour green tea and japanese blead making session with apanama, we forget!!

2. Most number of times a new bridge costing $250 million can be repaired within a 4-year period using Horse Brand Super Glue.

Gold-$500 million contract with compensation for new crooked bridge over troubled waters leading to nowhere. Master Plan & construction not required.
Silver- $100 million contract for old Highway upgrade with VO of $50 million. Invoices not required.
Bronze- $40 million contract for Toll flyover with VO of $30 million. Exempt from PAC investigation.

3. Most number of times a School Teacher can say ‘fcuking behind rubber-estate bushes no good black-monkey immigrant pig babi bastards with no testicles born from thieving pimps and prostitutes go back to India & China’ IN ONE BREATHE.

Gold- immediate promotion as Sith Jedi Master Planner of the Realm for Learning.
Silver- immediate promotion as State Sith Jedi Master Planner for Learning
Bronze- immediate promotion as Sith Jedi HM of leading Sith Jedi State School. Certificate of appreciation and salary increment/special 1-off bonus included.

4. Most number of times an opposition politician can be prosecuted for copyright infringement of instant 3-Minutes Sodo Mee Brand Noodles in one 10-year period with no corroborating evidence to 'back it' up.

Gold-Free life-time medical check-up, DNA testing and treatment at Piss Raw Wee Hospital. Sigmoidoscope Protoscope probe, optional. Medical Report & SD will be posted via Internet at http://www.newin.burma@yangon.con/.
Silver- Free life-time medical check-up, DNA testing and treatment at Pondok@KLER.SithJedi.klinik.con. Medical Report- can be manufactured by pariahmedics. SD, plastic truncheon and batteries NOT included.
Bronze- Free life-time medical check-up, DNA testing and treatment at Room 69, Concordat Hotel, Paris. Free Gift - 'Giovanni's Room' , a novel by J.Baldwin.

5. Most number of times and the highest cost at which 13 brand-new Prime Motorcars can be serviced and repaired within 1-year of its purchase. Minimum qualification expenditure - $50,000 per car.

Gold-a brand new Merc compressor to be used by visiting foreign dignitaries from Trengganu only.
Silver- a brand new BMW compressor to be used by visiting foreign male dignitaries in Kelantan only.
Bronze- a brand new Camry compressor to be used by visiting local dignitaries anywhere.

6. Most number of times Land designated as ‘Green Lung’ can be sold for a song to a Croney for a multi-billion $ property development project within a 4-year period.

Gold- Contract for development of Sarawak. Sabah can oso be congsider.
Silver- Contract for development of National Park Reserve, Pahang. Tioman Island can oso be congsider.
Bronze- Contract for development of Lake Gardens KL, Parliament House & National Monument sites. National Museum site for 33-year Toll Highway with 100% traffic guarantee (based on downtown LA/London traffic-count) buy-back/compensation concession - can oso be congsider. (In fact, anything oso can be congsider.)

7. Most number of Hydroelectric Damns that can be built in 1 State within 4-years in direct-negotiations non-tendered-out NPP (new power players) contracts with 100% Federal Govt Sovereign guaranteed ‘take or pay’ & ‘cost pass-on escalation and gas subsidy' clauses & 18% (adjusted for inflation) IRR included. Minimum - 12 damns with 50% VO .

Gold- 51-year concession. Corporate Tax @ 0 % with no windfall-profits tax. $10 billion untested undersea cable contract - optional. No preliminary or EIA study required. Special Govt sponsored visit-cum-research trip to London, Paris, NY & Hauptbahnhof,Munich included.
Silver-33-year concession. Corporate Tax @ 1/2 % with no windfall-profits tax. Environment unfriendly alumunium-smelter contract - optional. Special Govt sponsored visit-cum-research trip to Beirut, Cairo, Libya, Iran and Amsterdam included.
Bronze- 21-year concession. Corporate Tax @ 1% with no windfall-profits tax. Contract for obsolete-technology for solid-waste disposal Incinerator - optional. Special Govt OHMS funded visit-cum-research trip to Geisha House, Ginza Plaza included.

We shall table other demands from time to time to the IOC so that each Games can be held over a longer period every four years and be truly representative of the entire World. If all goes well according to our proposals, plans and projections, MILF will be the FIRST to host a Trillion $ budget Olympic Games in 2020 and chalk up another entry in the International Genius Book of Records!!

donplaypuks® with my olympics man!!
ps

readers, feel free to suggest other new 'events' that can be oso congsider for inclusion in the 2020 Olympic Games

NEP NEW DEAL GOES HOLLYWOOD!

OR 'Lord of The 3 Krisis' - Nation's Entry For The Oscars !!

by Tim Rice Kandar Frankie Roosevelt, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for Arty Affairs





Jedi Master Planner of The Realm for Culture, Movie & Art and Lion Fights at the Roma Coliseum, Sir Phil I.Stine Anak Yatim Piatu Edgar Rice Burro, said Saturday, that made-by-locals movie ‘The Lord of The 3-Krisis’ Trilogy would be the nation’s first-ever entry for the Oscars.

‘I cannot give away too much at this stage, but all will be revealed at the Premiere which will be held at the newly renovated Lion Fights Roma Coliseum Auditorium. Anybody who is somebody and all the Tai Tai’s you see every month in ‘Tai Tai Tatters Magazine’ will be there. It is an all local-stars cast, Produced, Directed and Shot by our very own Ms Labax Ning Two Bazookas, who has moved away from reprising her acting and singing roles to movie making,’ said the Master.

‘But I can give you a hint of what’s to come, so here goes!!’

THE HOLY MANTRA

Three Krisis for the GongsiRayaDeepa Leaders under the sky,
Nine for the Sultans of Swing in Dire Straits in their Palaces of Gold,
Thirteen for the Mortal Chief Jedi Dictators doomed to die from Billionaire’s Disease,
One for the Dark Lord of Dilemma in his Dark ElectronNeutronProton Turbo-Charged AP 1.5 litrel Model Car, on his Dark Twin Towers Throne,
In the Land of the GoldenChersoneseSuvarnadvipaGreaterCo-ProsperitySphere where the Peat Fire and Sumatran Haze waft.
One Krisis stage-managed riot to rule them all, One Kurrency Krisis inspired by malaysiasoros@.con Zionists to bankrupt them,
One Krisis to arrest EXPUNGED sex offenders under the OSIBISA (Official Secrets, Intelligence, Banking and Internal Security Act) and in the darkness to bind and assault them,
In the Land of the GoldenSuvarnadvipaGreaterCo-ProsperitySphere where the Peat Fire and Sumatran Haze waft.

STORY SYNOPSIS

To the soft background music of ‘My Way The Only Way’ sung acapella by ex-Chief Jedi Master Planner of The Realm, Rama Maha Darthvader Firaun 1 or Pak Che LansungTak Bajet or Tak Bajet for short.

‘Hush, children, gather close around me, for I will narrate to you, ye tales and adventures in days of old when knights were bold and maidens fair; stories of old, lost in the mists of time and the Great Peat Fire and Sumatran Haze.’

‘The legend begins in Gunung Twin Towers, in the city which in ancient times was known as ‘Jauhar’ meaning ‘Precious Stones’ in Arabic. The Sifir of Gunung TT-Aditya Iyer- empowers his most trusted disciple, Sith Param Sikandar Alex Shan, master mole and Special Rappoteur for the A’Formosa , with the secrets of the 3-Krisis. Sith Rappoteur, on his death-bed, passes on the secrets of the 3-Krisis to his elite and most trusted martial art specialists,Tuah Kiu & Lee Kiu of the Hang dynasty from China (kungfu), Kasturi Muthu from Kerala, India (karate)and Lekir from Palembang, Sumatra (silat). Rappoteur does not reveal the source of the 3-Krisis to Tuah, the Team A Leader, and his men, but is sworn to secrecy to guard the secrets of the 3-Krisis to be held in trust (Amanah) for the good and benefit of the people.

Unbeknownst to them, there was a 4th Krisis, The Dark Eye of Sapusemuamoron, snafu’d by the traitrous Team B leader, Javerybbad The Hut from Pizzazi Land. An epic struggle ensues in the mountains, and Javerybbad emerges victor and manages to pass on only the 3-Krisis to his evil son Nasi Gottum. The loss of the Krisis results in no dividends for the common people who become disunited and eventually fall to foreign colonization for 450 years.

Long, long after, after the GoldenChersoneseSuvarnadvipGreaterCo-ProsperitySphere (hereafter referred to hereunder and everywhere else that follows as GCSGCPS) where the Peat Fire and Sumatran Haze waft, had been forgotten and independence from the Dark dirty white colonialists gained, there arose in this land, circa 1980, Gandhalfbreed ‘The Look East But Export West’ Magician, who was half from the land of Kama & Sutra, and half from the GCSKCPS.

Gandhalfbreed, who had in the time before land, been in a great Dilemma, now seeks to retrieve the magical 3-Krisis, swords that had mystical powers, as ‘whosoever shall possess them shall rule the Three Worlds and Kingdoms of DutaTunkennyDamanshire Hills’ – the grand Shires. The Three Krisis, encrusted with mystical crystals and jewels of all kinds, drawing their power from the sun and cosmic energy of the Universe, were:-

Krisis 2020 - 30% carrot Diamond
Krisis Jade Gate Clouds & Rains - pure green Jade
Krisis Rajadhiraja Chola 999 - Black-Gold Lingam

After the terrible malaysiasoros@.con Zionist inspired Kurrency Krisis, the Krisis 2020-carrot 30% Diamond and Krisis Rajadhiraja Chola 999 Black -Gold Lingam were operating at less than 30% and 10% power respectively, while the Krisis Jade Gate Clouds & Rains had somehow managed to increase its power by dreawing energy from the Black Hole of Calcutta and Krakatoa.

Gandhalfbreed, using his special powers of paradigm shafting, then instructed his most trusted confidante & emissary Chief Beg Sheikh-a-leg Ali Babaji, to organize the ThunThunSirSirLatokLatokLatinLatinRet.Gen/BG/KSU/Benevolent Jedi Dictators, to form the very well-received (by the Krisis 2020 members) heads I win-win tails you lose-lose partnerships with the Sacred Members of Jade Gate Clouds & Rains, while ignoring the needs of the people of Chola, the KamaSutrans, now operating at 1% power.

KamaSutrans comprised many ancient tribes from the land of the Indus River:-

Doot Land

Land of the world’s greatest singhers, hoockey players, back-door woodpeckersmen, exporters of bangali kondai and the branch of mathematics and business module called ‘Belakang Kira Woi’.

SothiVandi Land

Land of the world’s best Thunderbreads and Coconut Sothi.

Dravid Koresh Land

Land of the first settlers in the Indus Valley many of whom later became IT specialists and emigrated to Wisconsin, Arizona.

Muthu,Maniam, Manikam & Lingam Land

Or the Land of Machan and Annai - dark-skinned people famed for
their Computer Software skills, Call Centres, ‘Big Kambus’ and shaking of heads while talking.

See them and a Snake, Kill them first Land

Malayalam Land where Gandhalfbreed’s father and his ancestors came from.

Mamak Land

Land of the Indian Muslims known universally as Mamaks or Tuluks, famous for their Roti Chanai,Dalcha, Teh tarik and instant diarrheoa Curry Tambah, and Secondary Central HAVALLA Banking System. And many others.

Many young KamaSutrans, greatly disappointed at being marginalized and polarized by GCSGCPS’s education and employment policies, who after 25 years under Gandhalfbreed’s rule, could only converse and write in Manglish, began to carry Rulers and wear Dark Polaroid Shades and came under the influence of the Dark Lord, Lord Saturaman Busukaraman, and began calling themselves Saturaman Shmarman (SS).

They moved to the ancient Dark Kingdom of Killan or Kelang, near Port Swettenham, originally founded by Lord Killeny Fitzpatrick of Ireland, whose son is now the leader of that legendary rock group, Indian Rangoli Attam (IRA).

KamaSutrans, forced to scratch for a living, became Bouncers at nightclubs and places of ill-repute, Loan, Debt and Repo Collectors, and worse, Hit Men, ‘Hollywood-type Soprano Singers’ who would snuff out a human life for the next 50 cents and leave their infamous calling card on your doorstep – a bleeding goat’s head. They had become very disenfranchised and refused to eat or drink at McDonalds, KFC, Burger King, Starbucks, Pizza Hut, etc.

Dissatisfaction with the leadership was also endemic among CHARSIU (Chinese Heavenly Association for Race, Sense, Intelligence and Unity) members who knew well the old Chinese maxim, ‘dead fish lot in the head flirst’.

Suddenly, the nation has a new Premier, seemingly a voice of moderation in a world of suicide bombers (unwittingly referred to as Suicide Protestors by the fundamentalist press) and the battle begins for transparency, accountability and an equitable share of the nasi kandar.

The Premier is secretly supported by young, shadowy Hairy Plotter the Silly (Son-In-Law, Lawyerburok and Yuppy) the nation's richest permanently unemployed billionaire-Havoxbridge grad, and his young and brylcreamed Yuppy Puppy Knights of the Nasi Lemak Wooden Table who all had triple degrees and had learnt their bag of tricks from the awfleh good HavOxBridge School of Oriental & White Magic.

Total chaos ensues when the imprisoned old knight, Sir Abim Obama, who graduated from the MC Hammer College of High Energy Dancing, wins his appeal against charges of copyright infringement of 'Sodo Mee' brand instant noodles, and is released from prison. Sir Abim rides out from the Kingdom of Pantang Red Bean & Kaya Pauh (certified kosher by HDC - Halal Donedeal Corp) and vows to liberate the nation from the hegemony of the Krisis 2020 Warlords.

Another epic battle takes place. There are many twists and turns and a surprise ending that will shock and shake the old-world order.

There, I am tempted to give away the ending, but, no!! Go, see the movie. Whatever the ending, you will be entertained, you have my grantee. There is something for everyone.’

Starring An All Malaysian Cast With Our Very Own:-

Krisis Krisistofferson in the lead male role of Frodo Bagasi
Krisis Labax Damayanti in the lead feminine role of Queen Sir Galahadriel
Latok Jeans Shams Din as GandHalfbreed The Look East But Export West Magician
Patrice Niamah Twinkle Toes ex-DJ as the cool and swingin 45 RPM Merry Go Around
Joe Hashish Assasin as the gruel Sam Porridgeways Kanjee
Syed Nasir Lemak as Nasi Gottum
Latin Labax Michael Yeoh, star of the hit movie, ‘Squatting Toilet, Flushing Meadows’ as The Elvian Queen Eeoow Win James Bond
Bentong Kali as Saturaman, The Dark Lord (nominated for posthumous Oscar for best supporting actor who is also a dead convicted criminal)
Mano A Mano as the Magnum4D PI Kelang Hitman, Goodtime Blackman
Jalil-ud-Din Hassle-em Omar Sheriff as the Million Dollar Chief Inspector General of the Naz Gul
Rahim Omar Burns, ex-IGPas Seteruon, Dark Eye of the Ring
Latok Rahim Razaleigh Bicycles as As Anotherthorn Among the Roses s/o Alreadygone
Latok Money Jaguarsonas as Master Archer & Olympics 100 metre sprinter Last-o-leg-o-las
Nicolemin Kid-U-Not Yusoff ex-DJ as Naz Gul bit of bird on the side
Faridah American as the token American
Magoo Kojak Jessica Alba as the Jedi who fails to defend Mick Jagger's Bianca
The 3-Krisis as themselves

And many other local stars in various supporting roles, with cameo appearance by our very own Jedi Master Planner of The Realm for Krisis and Higher, Lower and anything in-between Learning, Lord Hussain Alakazam Hashim Alakazoom, affectionately known as Lord Ha Ha, as laughing Main Krisis Waver in the 9/11/451 World Trade Centre Scene - Act 2, Scene I.

Songs & Lyrics by:-

‘My Way Only Way’Acapella by ex-Chief Jedi Master Planner of The Realm, Tak Bajet
Your Way Not My Way’Duet by Labax City Nurhalfaliza & Tak Bajet
‘Both Ways’ by Dee Jay Dev Anand Kapak Singh
'Anyhow Oso Can Way One’ by Dato Peh Yang Ting, affectionately known as PYT or Tai Kor, leader of CHARSIU
‘Bad Hair Day Way’ by Wigneswaran Vetrivadivel s/o Puli Kottai, (affectionately known as ‘Wigs’), leader of Kesatuan Alam Liga India Neopolitik Ganga Arya (KALINGA)
‘Turbanator Way’ by Arnold Schwartzkorpf Kapak Singh
‘I’ll Be Back Way’ by Azizah Ash Burn
‘Make My Day, Punk Way’ by Latin rAPidriflefire, MP for Kuala KIint Timorkayu

The sequel to Lord of The 3 Krisis, entitled the 3-Krisis Lion Pura Pura Go South, scheduled for Xmas 2008 release stars:-

Hermit PCK Singh as Gandhalfbreed, best magician in Lioncity & JB
Woody Goh Harrelson as Barry Pap, the middle-aged Dragon King
Roti Brata Nathan as President Rose-among-the Arathorn
Dirty Harry Lee as Chief Pap DragonTormentor and Terminator, the Old Confused Magician
Zooey Teh Tarik as Mrs Barry Ho Pap, CEO of Tamakshitbitbybitshit Holdings and wife of Barry Pap
Coomar as Princess Lagaylast
Anthony Brylcream Tan as Chairman of Casi,...no, Integrated Resorts Holdings, known in short as Casiresortopolis
George Yeoh Wynn as the dicey Joseph Gambanana, CEO of Casi, … no Integrated Resorts Holdings, known in short as Casiresortopolis
Michelle Yeoh Wynn as Chief of Security at Casi,....no, Integrated Resorts Holdings, known in short as Casiresortopolis

And many other Lion Cityzens.

The prequel to Lord of the Three Krisisi, entitled the 3-Krisis Bunga Mas Goes North, has not completed recruitment of all key stars, but some names are available:-

Shin What The Hell as The King of Manchester Footbhol Club
Shin up the creek with no oars as the now ousted ex-Mahadarthvader and mole for Tamakshitbitbybitshit Resorts Holdings of Lion City
Anat Ratupthepole as the fast moving young Gollum
Chulalongpopcornsoda Amaized Suravud as Jagung Kampung
Tok Guru Nikolas Aziz as leader of the southern fundamentalist insurgents fighting for the right to return Bunga Mas Land to the Palestinians

And many others to be announced.

donplaypuks® with my new deal man!!

NEW KEPO SAYANG BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATERS AT CRACKING PACE

by jeff bridges
donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for bridges & tunnels affairs

or the art of the directly negotiated non-tendered out EMU contract-Part 2

ONE FINE SATURDAY MORNING AT 9 A.M. AT THE LAUNCHING OF THE NEW KEPO SAYANG BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATERS

‘I yam really proud to yannounce to the nation the combletion of this major $250 million bridge project. For yall you yestablishment bashers ovut there, yere yis solid proof of vhat ve, from the coalition, can yachieve. Now let us see you open youver mouth in criticism,’ challenged Sir Wigneswaran Vetrichicken65varuval A/L P.Kottai, (affectionately known as ‘Wigs’), in-charge Jedi Master Planner of The Realm for Engineering and leader of Kesatuan Alam Liga India Neopolitik Ganga Arya (KALINGA)

Read my lips. Here is a landmark construction that vill last a hundred year…'

CRRRRAAACCCCKKKK!!CRRRRAAACCCKKKK!CRRRRAAACCCKKKK!

‘Ayo, Amma Thayei, Ganesha, Muruga, Siva!! Sishya, what the hell was that?’

‘Sorry, Sir Thalaiva (Great Leader), too much dhal, vindaloo curry and Soora last night, Sir.’

‘Mundam! (Idiot!) I meant that terrible cracking sound.’

‘Mannava (Your Majesty), I see some cracks on the bridge, Sir.’

‘Sishya (My assistant), let’s take a closer look. Aah, just yas I suspected, I can see yit clearly with my trained-yengineer’s eyes, you know? Some minor hair-line cracks. Can be fixed with some super glue quickly, don you think, Sir Zane Zinizanadane, Jedi Chairman of Ministry of Verks & Don Verks? Definitely nothing to do with poor design workmanship or concrete, I can see that. Good to have trained-yengineer’s eyes, you yagree?’

‘Well, as Jedi Chairman who has to travel dunia zanazini, I mean sana sini (here & there), I think it is betther we gets a second opinion, since we both need to get at the bald facts. Let’s refer thu CEO & HavOxBridge triple-degree graduate, Latok Terbang Atas Wan Dollah.’

‘Well, as CEO, I don follow the specifics of each of thousands of public projeks, so, we’ll have to ask my deputy CEO and Federal Director, Latok Ir. J. Amba Tan.’

‘We’ll, as Deputy CEO, I am only involved in national planning. I’m afraid you’ll have to refer to Project Director, Ir. Jin Jang Jho. This comes directly under his portfolio.’

‘Well, as Project Director, I can’t be hands-on as it were, as I have many projects to oversee.It’s best that we question the Project Manager, Ir. Poor Palam. This project is under his purview.’

‘Well, as Project Manager, I have to rely on site supervision reports. I have spoken to Site Engineer, Ir. Koi Thandam Sambalamoorthy, who has interrogated site-clerk-of-verks, Yanai Komalamlingam Yeli. He says the Con-saltan Engineers - Mouse, Shams & Zedone HavOxBridge Engineers- had approved all design drawings and Certificate of Fitness.’

‘Well, just as I suspected. We yave questioned yall the usuval suspects, and our thothalli yindependent yinquiry reveals that for sure, no von yis to blamed. Now there will be no need to butt yanyone’s heads. No need to refer to OCA (Oso Corrup Association). Not for nothing yam I the Master Jedi Planner!!’

‘What about the contractor, Sir? Must be his fault. Let’s call up the KorpoRat Kepten MD of RoadMudaEarthGameOverDisunited Engineers Plc, and let them in on the bad news.’

‘You mean, Latok Long Gong Sea, owner & MD of Syarikat Usaha Chepat Kaya Shaitan (SUCKS), don you?’ Remember, RoadMudaEarth… 100 %sub-con…to…?’

‘Oh yes, yes, I remember now. Lets’ call him now.’

‘Wei, who this ah?’

‘Wigs here, Latok Gong.’

‘This no Latok Long Gong Sea leh, this he son, Long Yang Sea. Latok no more in KL, now letire in PRC mah. Wai you corr, can happyu?’

‘Problems vith the Kepo Sayang Bridge, my fren, many cracks.’

‘So what lor, not my pobbum?’

‘Must carry yout repairs, lottov of money.’

‘Solly lor. We oreddy crose the company, now under riquidation. Orr director orr lesign stlaightaway, letire in Shanghai, mah. Tai Kor Si Fu Papa weak hut, got medicur certificate, cannot traver oversea. So solly.Bye.’

‘Bloody hell, now what do we do, Sir?’

‘First let me yassess the damage. Sishya, come here! How many cracks?’

‘Thalaiva (My Leader), 7 cracks, Sir.’

‘Onnum onnum (1+ 1) ?’ Three, Mannava, Sir.’ ‘Munrum munrum (3 + 3)?‘ Seven, Thalaiva, Sir. Plus 5%, round up Sir? ‘That’s right, seven cracks, 8 million laddoos. That vill be the budget. Good to yave engineer’s training, no? Gormen vill have to pay first.

‘Let’s call in new Con-saltans. Get me Sir Robert Hoodlum, Chairman & MD of Holcroft Con-venant & Con-saltans.

‘Hello!! Who the bloody hell is this? I’m on holiday in Tahiti for godsakes!! Can’t you see I need to re-charge my batteries?’

‘It’s Wigs here, Sir Rob. Yenjoying youverself are you? Ha, ha. Well, I yave an yemergency yindependent con-sultant’s job here for you, 8 million laddoos.

‘Ah, my dear friend Wigs, wondered who it was. You should have accepted my yin.., er, my invitation to party here. You must try the 3-way South Sea-Hawaii-Fiji sauna and massage – sensational, old boy !!

For old times sake, I will send my son, Sir Robin Hoodlum together with his merry men, to personally handle and monitor the project. Ta, now!

CRRRRAAACCCCKKKK!!CRRRRAAACCCKKKK!CRRRRAAACCCCKKKK CRRRRAAACCCCKKKK!!CRRRRAAACCCKKKK!CRRRRAAACCCCKKKK

What the motherf…..ghell was that, Wigs, old fart? For heaven’s sake cut down on the Vindaloo, I can smell it through the phone!! You have to have control, at your age.’

‘No Sir Rob, more cracks on the bridge. Let me see, another 26, so that’s 35 yin total. The contract cost vill yave to be increased to, let me see., Alu + 26 (7+26)…40, mmm....integral of the differential, Fibonacci numbers,…oh ama (oh yes)…quantum fractals, etc etc… oh yes, got yit… 47. Plus vover-riding comm.., er, no, new liaison consultancy – 3 for Syarikat Handal Ambil Durian Yummy (SHADY) of Soonkayagaya Seaphut District. And of course, two for us, 1 for them policy must be strictly adhered to.

It’s 75.108 million laddoos, Sir Rob. I yadded yin the yextra $.108 for yindian good luck numberr. Should we perhaps yincrease contract cost to$ 108 million for yeven betterr good luck? Hmmm, will yave to think yabout it! Also, I yexpect youver report within a week. Don forget, yin yassessing the previous con-tractor’s and con-saltan’s verk ve need ‘Chunam Didgerrydoo 555 Cheroot’ opinion. Bye.

Then ve vill see yabout recovering from the Main-con and sub-con, yinitiate yaction against wall directors, by 2020, by which time they vill wall have hopefully disapp.., er no, dispaired of their bad, bad, naughty, naughty ways.

Now, Sishya, and Sir Zizou, let’s get moving. At Cracking Pace, as it were! Ha, ha!’

‘To Tahiti? Yes, Thailaiva, right away, Sir.’
donplaypuks® with my bridging finance man!!

Some Yindian and other terms yexplained:

Amma - mother
Chunam - lime paste used for chewing with betel leaf and for white paint
Dhal - lentil curry
Didgerrydoo - australian aborigine wooden wind-pipe musical instrument
555 - a brand of cheroot popular I the 60’s to the ‘70’s
Koi Thandam - good-for-nothing
Komalam - loin cloth
Laddoo - round sweet cake
Lingam - phallic symbol representing the God Shiva
Mannava - king/your majesty
Mundam - idiot
Palam - bridge
Sambalam - salary
Sishya - assistant (to a guru)
Soora - a popular brand of bottled toddy
Vindaloo - an Indian hot curry popular in UK
Yanai - elephant

Yeli - mouse
Thalaiva - leader
Thayei - mother

EMU - EconomicMsplanningUnit@gov.con