A FINE POST GE CELEB OR THE NIGHT AFTER

Good Dr Eh Muk, let’s go out for teh tarik and celebrate your GE victory.

Muk Sure, Dad? Where?

Good Dr At that new Food Court in Ampang lah!

Muk Which one, so many licensed and unlicensed ones?

Good Dr Apa nama itu, that one lah, I forget, ah yes ‘Sri Stephanie’s Konar.’

Muk Proton, or private jet?

Good Dr Funneeee! Mirzan joining us?

Muk He’s using the private jet now that Zzzz is not leaving the country too soon to open nasi kandar restaurants in Oz or going somewhere for a short holiday, like Geneva. You know what happened to the previous Sri Lankan PM when he went for a holiday to the USA and why Mugabe will never ever go overseas for a break?

You know what they say – Mandela once had a dream, Zzzz has thousands of dreams!!

Good Dr Funneeee! You know which Mirzan I meant.

Muk He, he he! Let’s brabus in Mok’s Porsche.

Good Dr Jom!

THAT FINE EVENING AT THE SRI STEPHANIES KONAR FOOD COURT IN JALAN
AMPANG OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE UB40 RESTAURANT

Good Dr Eh, Muk, isn’t that apa nama, Marion Kavisitas Caritas Caramba, former leader of the Popular Patti Puttumayam? What is she doing here?

Muk Good God, you’re right, let’s go talk to her. After all, she was your very good supporter.

MKCC Welcome, Good Dr, welcome Muk. Welcome to my new career as restauranteur and owner of Sri Stephanie’s Konar Food Court.

Good Dr You mean you are turning your back on Puttumayam and your political career? Never give up madam, never let the people retire you; you must retire them when you choose to.

MKCC Unlike others, now I have to make my fortune before re-entering the fray. But for sure, I’ll be back to take care of that Shahnama Persian hero, Rostam, in Parameswara State, if he and his party are still around for the next GE.

Good Dr What happened to that court case with the Kapitan Kakus fellow?

MKCC Settled lah, brother. Selesai oreddy! Diary, records and notes lost in sudden fire in Ipoh. Judge on permanent holiday in Auckland. I’ve now employed Kapitan Kakus as my Business Development Director, Investment Advisor and REPO man. Some call it Ah Long, but what does semantics matter among friends, brudder!

Whoa, if the stall operators don’t pay their rent here, we will bankrupt them and report to CTOS, you know who I mean, those nice Dunn & Bradstreet guys.

But for starters, I recommend my authentic Kerala Puttumayam with grated coconut and white sugar – brown sugar optional – topped with melted QBB Ghee. Gaston!!

But first, come over here, let me introduce you to my new PR and Advertising Manager, Zamzibar (Zz). He’s even worked out a tv advertising campaign on very favourable rates with Al Jazeera Network, RadioTVMas Thak Mahu and Astral TV. Zamzibar, over here please maestro.

Zz Good evening Datuk Seri and Dato, welcome to our humble Food Court.

Good Dr How’s biz Zamzibar? How are you keeping? We never did get started on that movie ‘Dr. Goodlittle, the Wildernesss Years’, did we?

Zz (Sigh) No. It is a major Dilemma, a great disappointment that I will have to carry to my grave. We were going to shoot it in Merbok, but at the last minute, due to unforeseen circumstances, it was re-scheduled to Sg. Petani. And as our misfortune would have it, that unbelievable inland tsunami wrecked all our carefully laid out shooting strategies, and left an indelible mark everywhere. (Sigh).

But first let me explain our concept. All dining is alfresco, but eating will be in true native Malaysian style i.e. while seated on wooden floors overlaid with mats made from natural coconut fibre and using hands and fingers. Very authentic, very nouveau, very enviro friendly, very chic. Very finger licking good!

But first, let’s go over to the Chennai Cuisine stall. Good, the real owner from Pudhukottai is there as well, Sungay Seaphut Sammy, or SS Sammy. Friends call him Himmler.

SS Himmler Coming, coming saars, areva, areva! Hot, hot paruppu, amai and masala Vadai, best in the verld (this side of NY, London, Paris, Milan, Thokyo and Killan) coconut and chili chutney. Sooper potato-filled thosai and katton-soft steaming idli with sambar and chili powder topped with gingelly oil. But first, don forget, start vith melts-yin-the-mouth-not-yin-the-hand Kesari and yend it vith Batham Payasam. For the sothu (rice) vandis (carts) try our banana leaf and chicken and mutton varuval special straight from Mahabalipuram, you are knowing that town just after the main 200-years concession toll road in Chennai?

Muk Wait a minute that’s Him, you know who that his! It’s him, the ex-leader of ‘DoReMiMaiCai’ and ‘Ministry of Yall That Doesn’t Verks’, isn’t it? At first, I didn’t recognise him in Elton John-size dark glasses and without that rat pelt on his head. Seems to have lost a lot of weight too!

Good Dr Hello Machan, going back to your roots, ah, dei?

SS Himmler Ssh, brudder, keep it down. In the past, whenyever you called me ‘Machan’ I knew I vaz yin trouble straightyavay and had to be yapproving another toll road or bridge. So, pipe down, please Kerala machan. They’re still looking for me. No kommends and yall that. Look at me, yave some pity. Billions gone, now only left with a few hundred million. No EPF, Socso, so vat to do?

Good Dr What happened to those ‘we’re with you for life’ partners and supporters?

SS Himmler I had such good brudders, I nurtured then for more than 25 years – Hari, Indran, Nara, Dana, Ravi, Arun, Frank and Freddy. Then they yall turned on me and deserted me. I varned them, that ISA Mohd vill come yafter them. Did they listen? Now yevrything yis in ruins. I kant yeven go to the temble or Batu Caves yenymore lah, brudder!

Good Dr Well you know the old Japanese saying, ‘he who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day.’

SS Himmler Vy? Are you planning to make a Frank Sinatra-like come-back or what?

Good Dr Maybe. But, My way. But are you with me? The friend of my enemy is my enemy, but the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

SS Himmler (Sigh). Yin that case, I yave no choice. I yave to leave for Karagadaigoolie straight yavay.

Good Dr Mmm, Karagadaigoolie, Chennai, South India? Don’t believe I have heard of that place.

SS Himmler No, no stu..er, yai mean youver Majesty, Karagadaigoolie, Vest Melborne, Wastralia!! Bai, bai!!

Zz Ahem, (cough, cough), let’s move on Datuk Seri. Over here we have the most original ‘Gadai Nasi Padang’ stall closely architectured after the concepts found in Palembang in Sri Andalas of old, Sumatra of now. The stall is owned and operated by 2nd generation Bumiputra Indonesians, immigrants who also trace their ancestry to the ‘Land of The Rising Sun’ and the ‘Flag of The Fried Egg’, i.e. Japan. Meet Tuan and Puan Khairi Johari Fujimori Shams Thoyothatha.

P.Thoyothatha Welcome, Abang. You wan thu thry our grilled fish wis sweet kichap sauce, or fried chicken in basket or under glass in sweet kichap sauce or chili kankong in sweet kichap sauce all with rice in sweet kichap sauce, and washed down with hot tea in sweet… How about our fresh garlic & ginger-laced and steamed Othak Othak or beef in salty kichap or…..

Good Dr Kak, that’s ok, thank you. Don’t have to oversell. That’s a bit heavy for dinner, we only came for some teh tarik and roti chanai. Maybe, lunch tomorrow. But, where’s Thoyothatha. I thought you were a husband and wife team?

P.Thoyothatha Yes, but he’s been given extra-curricular duties by Zamzibar. He’s on the phone arranging for billboard advertisements in PJ and nearby Metropolitan areas and Mega Cities. Of course, we need lots of land for our Flagship ‘SRI STEPHANIES KONAR FOOD COURT’ planned for Sunshine Hill, and another mega 2,000-seater food court in Blackwater Forest Creek Hill. Kak Marion Kavisitas Caritas Caramba has very big plans, franchaise, and go international, Glocal, like McD or KFC. Ah, there he is, that little buzzing dynamo and bundle of energy.

K.Thoyothatha Arigato gozaimasu. Konnichiwa, konbanwa (Hello, good evening).
Preese to meetchyu, how to happyu?

Good Dr (in hushed tones) Muk, that’s not… no, it can’t be him. Can it?

Muk Don’t know dad, but that’s damn good Japanese. Could have fooled any Jap, could have fooled me!! But note that nip and tuck marks and botox lips. Ah, there’s the giveaway dad, right there!

Good Dr Where, where? If his face was like Britney’s, then I would have recognised him in an instant.

Muk He’s humming that BDS song from ‘Little Shop of Horrors’ movie!! Gotcha, abang!

K.Thoyothatha Ok, ok, I knows you knows. What syou wans me to do? Kommits hara khairy? You are the one who puts me up there. so you has to thake a lot of the blame as well?

Good Dr What! You dare to shift the blame to me?

Muk Let’s move on dad, Let’s not create a ruckus here. Honourable Thoyothatha not so honourable.

Zz Oh, by the way, besides food and drinks, we also have a covered Cyber Café and lounge where you can surf the net or watch DVD’s/ Sing Karaoke/Listen to Music CD’s etc. We also have several tastefully-renovated and decorated rooms for private functions. Let’s go meet the co-ordinator, a very entrepreneurial, enterprising and high-achieving member and performer from of unique Management team. Ah, towkay Chua Of Late got ah?

Chua Of Late Who’s that? Ah, Zamzibar, how can I assist you and your very, very distinguished guests?

Zz Can you provide your personal services to Datuk Seri & Dato, take them on a personal tour of your Entertainment Centre?

Chua Of Late Sure, sure. Biz is booming. Never knew DVD’s were so popular. Whoa, can’t keep up with the demand. They fight like tigers to get their hands on our exclusive DVD’s, you know? We have one of the most comprehensive DVD collections in the world. We cater for all and every variation of needs.

Good Dr You have Gone With The Wind ? My Fair Lady? Sound of Music?

Chua Of Late No.

Good Dr Casablanca? Ali Baba Bujang Lapok? Tiga Abdul? Kattabomman?

Chua of Late No.

Muk Sword of The Samurai, Rashomon, Ran?

Chua of Late No.

Good Dr/Muk What do you have, then?

Chua Of Late Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. You know, the ones where there are close encounters of the 4th kind, in nirvana, where art and subtle techniques overwhelm the senses?

Good Dr/Muk Name some titles.

Chua Of Late Lord of the Members, Of Impossible Bondage, Quasimodo & Esmerelda, Agony & Ecstasy, When Carol Meets Dick, Sleepless In The Back Seat, Bazookas vs B52’s on the River Kwai, etc etc. You know, where they don’t snip out the ’oohs’ and the ‘aahs’.

Good Dr/Muk We’ll take a rain check on that. What next Zz, we’re getting a tad hungry. Perhaps some roti chanai?

Zz One last stop. We have also set up a travel and legal services advisory booth. So, let’s go meet the entrepreneur Chief, Joseph VT Charlie Chin, former Master of The Rock & The Rolls. Ah, there you are Master, just came back from NZ did you?

Master Who is asking? Who wants to know? Should I get legal advice? Is this my castle?

Zz You tell us.

Master And who may you be, kind sirs? You look very familiar. You look like the Good Dr, walk like the Good Dr, talk like the Good Dr and apanama like the Good Dr, but who can tell, short of a DNA test. Are you the original copy? You are not drunk are you?

Good Dr I am not sure myself, it was all so long ago.

Master Correct, correct, correct!! My memory too is not so good these days you know?

Good Dr So, what should we do when booking overseas holiday packages, what are the pitfalls, what should we watch out for?

Master Good questions, good questions. First book it yourself, do not under any circumstances trust your secretary or your friend’s secretary. Then pay the fees and credit card expenses with your personal crossed account payee cheque. Then if you accidentally meet your friend while on holiday in Awkwardland, don’t invite him along and make sure you don’t pose for photos or videos. If you then find you some cash, a couple of hundred thousand, left in your hotel room by benefactor-parties unknown, you are not obliged to disclose or declare it to the Inland Revenue. So, spend some and keep the balance under your pillow. Don't go house hunting with lawyer friends, or their brothers or their drivers. If….Hold it, hold it! No notes, absolutely No notes!!

Good Dr Sorry, force of habit.

Master Now, where were we?

Good Dr I forget.

Muk Cash, Inland Revenue, No notes….

Master Ah yes! Look, let’s do this ex-parte, shall we, say at 11 a.m. tomorrow at the karaoke chambers? I feel a bit tired from talking so much.

Zz Sure, lets go Datuk. Let me invite you to my little 24-hour side stall. Forget the roti chanai, we serve the best mutton murtabha and dalcha curry

Half An Hour Later

Good Dr/Muk That was really good, Zz, better than Dawood’s in Penang. But, I have a question.

Zz Fire away.

Good Dr Everything here is ‘Pay Cash’, no credit cards or cheques. The place is packed. What do you do with all the money?

Zz I’ll let MKCC answer that.

MKCC We are lucky to have procured the services of one of the most astute financial managers in the country, Tan Sri Ong Lim Keng Koah Tsu Koon (OK), following his resignation from the much venerated Heavenly Malaysian Chinese Gerakgeri Association. Let me call him over for a chat, shall we?

OK Ah yes, fancy seeing you here Datuk Seri. Celebrating your son’s victory, I suppo? Congratuilations!

Muk Arigato, arigato.

Good Dr So, you are retiring from politics, for good?

OK Yes, time to go. You know the ungrateful runnning dogs! They are quoting to my face ‘Fish lot flom the head!!’ Niama.

Good Dr Cool down, cool down. That’s what they said to my face also the day after I voluntarily stepped down.

OK What, ‘Fish lot…

Good Dr No, no. Other things, but never mind. So, what is your investment strategy?

OK We must have two books strategy. So, first 5 years, we declare all losses. Then 50% excess cash we lend to Ah Long at 3% per month compounded, and balance plough back in food court biz as ‘Directors’ Loans’. Then we go for listing..

Good Dr Muk I think this is where we came in. Let’s go. Thank you gentlemen for your valuable time and hospitality.

Muk Sayanora!!

Good Dr Oh, btw OK, what do you do with all your free time?

OK Talke long walks in the rubber estate bordering my bungalow, run round the bushses and trees, and you know, do what the ruber-tapper Ind…

Good Dr Good bye, OK.

8th March 2008. True & Fair Elections?

by g.washington post, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for voting affairs

The rusty and creaking remnants of the government machinery have cranked up quickly and shifted into overdrive in trying to salvage a modicum of respect from the dismal dregs of defeat in the recently concluded elections. In attempting to put a positive spin on the devastation that followed in the wake of ‘T080308’ - Tsunami 8th March 2008 - the party spindoctors and sycophant faithful have been quick to proclaim that, if nothing else, the results prove that we are a showcase for Democracy, and that the machinations of the EC and its long-serving Chief, have always been above-board.

The post-election leaders in the state-controlled newspapers, and the shell-shocked, battered and bruised blue-and-black PM and his much discredited motley crew, who looked like they had just barely managed to crawl out of the gas and mustard poison-filled fumes of the World War I trenches at Ypres, would have you believe that it was, to borrow an auditing term, a ‘True and Fair’ elections.

Nothing could be further than the truth!

Were it not for the hawk-like vigilance of the opposition parties, the incumbents might have got away with open, ‘mass murder’, so to speak.

Gerrymandering has long been the order of the day in ensuring native-dominated and correspondingly smaller constituencies held over-sway and a disproportionate say in determining election victories.

Now is the time to hold the EC, whose chief’s manipulated extension of tenure by Constitutional amendment was objected to by the Opposition (and whose concerns were peremptorily dismissed by the PM), accountable for all the oddities in the Electoral Roll and process.

Managers who work in private-sector organisations would not last 30 months in their jobs if they frequently made errors of Titanic magnitude!! 30 Years? That is the very reason for Nuremberg, for crimes against Humanity. Yet, the pathetic sycophants would have you believe that the EC Chief’s continued service was necessary, nay absolutely essential, for transparency and integrity to prevail. It begs the question why we have an EC with hundreds, if not thousands, of staff. In 30 years, at least one or two of them could have been trained to be an adept and effective No.2, to take over the reins at the appointed time, which, given the Civil Service and its penchant for the SOP (Standard Operating Procedure), is known way in advance?

Yet extensions of tenure of service seem to be the order of the day – for everything from the post of Head of Civil Service, to the Judiciary, Police, Army, Navy, Airforce, ACA et al. No one’s work seems ever finished, even if they have been at it for 30 years. No one retires at the appointed time. Life-long tenure, if that could be worked in. In the newspaper cartoon strip, Bristow, a long-serving and suffering clerk, used to mutter about being 332nd or something in the line of succession for the position of Chief Clerk!

This fau pax, a defect in character, which points towards the reason why none of the political parties here have ever had an orderly succession of credible leaders, is congenital, and borne of a group of men who have never truly had to really work for a living and who have never been through the rough and tumble of the mill. If they have, they then feel they are entitled to be multi-millionaires when they eventually (choose to) retire, even if they have occupied a sinecure’s post for the better part of their adult existence.

So, my fellow citizens, let’s ask some pertinent and pointed question of the exalted and venerated EC Chief :-

1. Was the order ever placed to purchase 48,000 bottles of indelible ink from India at the cost of RM 2.4 million?

2. Was the ink delivered before the elections? Please provide documentary evidence such as Purchase Order, Invoice, Customs Declaration and Import documents, Delivery Order from supplier etc.

3. Please provide the names, occupation and IC Number of the person(s) who made police reports that indelible ink had been smuggled in (and from where was it smuggled so quickly). Please provide copies of the relevant Police Report(s).

4. Please explain rationally and in detail, how national security could have been imperilled and compromised, and electoral fraud committed, had indelible ink been used, Weren’t your officers out there by the thousands to prevent just that from occurring?

5. Please explain why your legal officer(s) had not addressed the issue of Constitutional amendment , or sought the AG’s opinion on such an important issue, much earlier.? Please identify and name the derelict and delinquent legal officer so that he/she can be reprimanded as provided for by the SOP.

6. How is possible that after 30 years of your tenure, we have some 8-9 thousand registered voters age 120 and over on the Electoral Roll? What do you intend to do about this now?

7. How is that they were reports (as shown on national TV) of phantom voters and also duplicate registration of army personnel?

8. Why is it that after 30 years, it is still not possible for those residing outstation to vote by post, instead of actually having to travel back to their home-towns to do so - a rather expensive and inconvenient process you agree?

9. Why is that after 30 years, it is not possible for those eligible citizens studying, working or who have travelled, overseas, at the time of Elections, to vote at the respective Embassies, High or Trade Commission offices overseas?

Please do not insult our intelligent by announcing, like a (in) famous, now defunct MB, that our standards are higher than those in New Zealand, Belgium and other leading western cities and countries.

If you feel that you do not owe the citizens of this country a proper and detailed explanation to the foregoing questions, then please tender your resignation to the Government forthwith! We do not appreciate those civil servants whose salaries and perks are paid for from taxes levied on our hard-earned private-sector income, doing nothing more than warming the seat of their chairs for 30 years, and then instead of carrying out their duties diligently and impartially, conspire with their political masters to try and put one over their fellow citizens.

donplaypuks with my voting rights man!! donplaypuks® at http://donplaypuks.blogspot.com