by jeff bridges
donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for bridges & tunnels affairs
donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for bridges & tunnels affairs
or the art of the directly negotiated non-tendered out EMU contract-Part 2
ONE FINE SATURDAY MORNING AT 9 A.M. AT THE LAUNCHING OF THE NEW KEPO SAYANG BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATERS
‘I yam really proud to yannounce to the nation the combletion of this major $250 million bridge project. For yall you yestablishment bashers ovut there, yere yis solid proof of vhat ve, from the coalition, can yachieve. Now let us see you open youver mouth in criticism,’ challenged Sir Wigneswaran Vetrichicken65varuval A/L P.Kottai, (affectionately known as ‘Wigs’), in-charge Jedi Master Planner of The Realm for Engineering and leader of Kesatuan Alam Liga India Neopolitik Ganga Arya (KALINGA)
Read my lips. Here is a landmark construction that vill last a hundred year…'
CRRRRAAACCCCKKKK!!CRRRRAAACCCKKKK!CRRRRAAACCCKKKK!
‘Ayo, Amma Thayei, Ganesha, Muruga, Siva!! Sishya, what the hell was that?’
‘Sorry, Sir Thalaiva (Great Leader), too much dhal, vindaloo curry and Soora last night, Sir.’
‘Mundam! (Idiot!) I meant that terrible cracking sound.’
‘Mannava (Your Majesty), I see some cracks on the bridge, Sir.’
‘Sishya (My assistant), let’s take a closer look. Aah, just yas I suspected, I can see yit clearly with my trained-yengineer’s eyes, you know? Some minor hair-line cracks. Can be fixed with some super glue quickly, don you think, Sir Zane Zinizanadane, Jedi Chairman of Ministry of Verks & Don Verks? Definitely nothing to do with poor design workmanship or concrete, I can see that. Good to have trained-yengineer’s eyes, you yagree?’
‘Well, as Jedi Chairman who has to travel dunia zanazini, I mean sana sini (here & there), I think it is betther we gets a second opinion, since we both need to get at the bald facts. Let’s refer thu CEO & HavOxBridge triple-degree graduate, Latok Terbang Atas Wan Dollah.’
‘Well, as CEO, I don follow the specifics of each of thousands of public projeks, so, we’ll have to ask my deputy CEO and Federal Director, Latok Ir. J. Amba Tan.’
‘We’ll, as Deputy CEO, I am only involved in national planning. I’m afraid you’ll have to refer to Project Director, Ir. Jin Jang Jho. This comes directly under his portfolio.’
‘Well, as Project Director, I can’t be hands-on as it were, as I have many projects to oversee.It’s best that we question the Project Manager, Ir. Poor Palam. This project is under his purview.’
‘Well, as Project Manager, I have to rely on site supervision reports. I have spoken to Site Engineer, Ir. Koi Thandam Sambalamoorthy, who has interrogated site-clerk-of-verks, Yanai Komalamlingam Yeli. He says the Con-saltan Engineers - Mouse, Shams & Zedone HavOxBridge Engineers- had approved all design drawings and Certificate of Fitness.’
‘Well, just as I suspected. We yave questioned yall the usuval suspects, and our thothalli yindependent yinquiry reveals that for sure, no von yis to blamed. Now there will be no need to butt yanyone’s heads. No need to refer to OCA (Oso Corrup Association). Not for nothing yam I the Master Jedi Planner!!’
‘What about the contractor, Sir? Must be his fault. Let’s call up the KorpoRat Kepten MD of RoadMudaEarthGameOverDisunited Engineers Plc, and let them in on the bad news.’
‘You mean, Latok Long Gong Sea, owner & MD of Syarikat Usaha Chepat Kaya Shaitan (SUCKS), don you?’ Remember, RoadMudaEarth… 100 %sub-con…to…?’
‘Oh yes, yes, I remember now. Lets’ call him now.’
‘Wei, who this ah?’
‘Wigs here, Latok Gong.’
‘This no Latok Long Gong Sea leh, this he son, Long Yang Sea. Latok no more in KL, now letire in PRC mah. Wai you corr, can happyu?’
‘Problems vith the Kepo Sayang Bridge, my fren, many cracks.’
‘So what lor, not my pobbum?’
‘Must carry yout repairs, lottov of money.’
‘Solly lor. We oreddy crose the company, now under riquidation. Orr director orr lesign stlaightaway, letire in Shanghai, mah. Tai Kor Si Fu Papa weak hut, got medicur certificate, cannot traver oversea. So solly.Bye.’
‘Bloody hell, now what do we do, Sir?’
‘First let me yassess the damage. Sishya, come here! How many cracks?’
‘I yam really proud to yannounce to the nation the combletion of this major $250 million bridge project. For yall you yestablishment bashers ovut there, yere yis solid proof of vhat ve, from the coalition, can yachieve. Now let us see you open youver mouth in criticism,’ challenged Sir Wigneswaran Vetrichicken65varuval A/L P.Kottai, (affectionately known as ‘Wigs’), in-charge Jedi Master Planner of The Realm for Engineering and leader of Kesatuan Alam Liga India Neopolitik Ganga Arya (KALINGA)
Read my lips. Here is a landmark construction that vill last a hundred year…'
CRRRRAAACCCCKKKK!!CRRRRAAACCCKKKK!CRRRRAAACCCKKKK!
‘Ayo, Amma Thayei, Ganesha, Muruga, Siva!! Sishya, what the hell was that?’
‘Sorry, Sir Thalaiva (Great Leader), too much dhal, vindaloo curry and Soora last night, Sir.’
‘Mundam! (Idiot!) I meant that terrible cracking sound.’
‘Mannava (Your Majesty), I see some cracks on the bridge, Sir.’
‘Sishya (My assistant), let’s take a closer look. Aah, just yas I suspected, I can see yit clearly with my trained-yengineer’s eyes, you know? Some minor hair-line cracks. Can be fixed with some super glue quickly, don you think, Sir Zane Zinizanadane, Jedi Chairman of Ministry of Verks & Don Verks? Definitely nothing to do with poor design workmanship or concrete, I can see that. Good to have trained-yengineer’s eyes, you yagree?’
‘Well, as Jedi Chairman who has to travel dunia zanazini, I mean sana sini (here & there), I think it is betther we gets a second opinion, since we both need to get at the bald facts. Let’s refer thu CEO & HavOxBridge triple-degree graduate, Latok Terbang Atas Wan Dollah.’
‘Well, as CEO, I don follow the specifics of each of thousands of public projeks, so, we’ll have to ask my deputy CEO and Federal Director, Latok Ir. J. Amba Tan.’
‘We’ll, as Deputy CEO, I am only involved in national planning. I’m afraid you’ll have to refer to Project Director, Ir. Jin Jang Jho. This comes directly under his portfolio.’
‘Well, as Project Director, I can’t be hands-on as it were, as I have many projects to oversee.It’s best that we question the Project Manager, Ir. Poor Palam. This project is under his purview.’
‘Well, as Project Manager, I have to rely on site supervision reports. I have spoken to Site Engineer, Ir. Koi Thandam Sambalamoorthy, who has interrogated site-clerk-of-verks, Yanai Komalamlingam Yeli. He says the Con-saltan Engineers - Mouse, Shams & Zedone HavOxBridge Engineers- had approved all design drawings and Certificate of Fitness.’
‘Well, just as I suspected. We yave questioned yall the usuval suspects, and our thothalli yindependent yinquiry reveals that for sure, no von yis to blamed. Now there will be no need to butt yanyone’s heads. No need to refer to OCA (Oso Corrup Association). Not for nothing yam I the Master Jedi Planner!!’
‘What about the contractor, Sir? Must be his fault. Let’s call up the KorpoRat Kepten MD of RoadMudaEarthGameOverDisunited Engineers Plc, and let them in on the bad news.’
‘You mean, Latok Long Gong Sea, owner & MD of Syarikat Usaha Chepat Kaya Shaitan (SUCKS), don you?’ Remember, RoadMudaEarth… 100 %sub-con…to…?’
‘Oh yes, yes, I remember now. Lets’ call him now.’
‘Wei, who this ah?’
‘Wigs here, Latok Gong.’
‘This no Latok Long Gong Sea leh, this he son, Long Yang Sea. Latok no more in KL, now letire in PRC mah. Wai you corr, can happyu?’
‘Problems vith the Kepo Sayang Bridge, my fren, many cracks.’
‘So what lor, not my pobbum?’
‘Must carry yout repairs, lottov of money.’
‘Solly lor. We oreddy crose the company, now under riquidation. Orr director orr lesign stlaightaway, letire in Shanghai, mah. Tai Kor Si Fu Papa weak hut, got medicur certificate, cannot traver oversea. So solly.Bye.’
‘Bloody hell, now what do we do, Sir?’
‘First let me yassess the damage. Sishya, come here! How many cracks?’
‘Thalaiva (My Leader), 7 cracks, Sir.’
‘Onnum onnum (1+ 1) ?’ Three, Mannava, Sir.’ ‘Munrum munrum (3 + 3)?‘ Seven, Thalaiva, Sir. Plus 5%, round up Sir? ‘That’s right, seven cracks, 8 million laddoos. That vill be the budget. Good to yave engineer’s training, no? Gormen vill have to pay first.
‘Let’s call in new Con-saltans. Get me Sir Robert Hoodlum, Chairman & MD of Holcroft Con-venant & Con-saltans.
‘Hello!! Who the bloody hell is this? I’m on holiday in Tahiti for godsakes!! Can’t you see I need to re-charge my batteries?’
‘It’s Wigs here, Sir Rob. Yenjoying youverself are you? Ha, ha. Well, I yave an yemergency yindependent con-sultant’s job here for you, 8 million laddoos.
‘Ah, my dear friend Wigs, wondered who it was. You should have accepted my yin.., er, my invitation to party here. You must try the 3-way South Sea-Hawaii-Fiji sauna and massage – sensational, old boy !!
For old times sake, I will send my son, Sir Robin Hoodlum together with his merry men, to personally handle and monitor the project. Ta, now!
CRRRRAAACCCCKKKK!!CRRRRAAACCCKKKK!CRRRRAAACCCCKKKK CRRRRAAACCCCKKKK!!CRRRRAAACCCKKKK!CRRRRAAACCCCKKKK
What the motherf…..ghell was that, Wigs, old fart? For heaven’s sake cut down on the Vindaloo, I can smell it through the phone!! You have to have control, at your age.’
‘No Sir Rob, more cracks on the bridge. Let me see, another 26, so that’s 35 yin total. The contract cost vill yave to be increased to, let me see., Alu + 26 (7+26)…40, mmm....integral of the differential, Fibonacci numbers,…oh ama (oh yes)…quantum fractals, etc etc… oh yes, got yit… 47. Plus vover-riding comm.., er, no, new liaison consultancy – 3 for Syarikat Handal Ambil Durian Yummy (SHADY) of Soonkayagaya Seaphut District. And of course, two for us, 1 for them policy must be strictly adhered to.
It’s 75.108 million laddoos, Sir Rob. I yadded yin the yextra $.108 for yindian good luck numberr. Should we perhaps yincrease contract cost to$ 108 million for yeven betterr good luck? Hmmm, will yave to think yabout it! Also, I yexpect youver report within a week. Don forget, yin yassessing the previous con-tractor’s and con-saltan’s verk ve need ‘Chunam Didgerrydoo 555 Cheroot’ opinion. Bye.
Then ve vill see yabout recovering from the Main-con and sub-con, yinitiate yaction against wall directors, by 2020, by which time they vill wall have hopefully disapp.., er no, dispaired of their bad, bad, naughty, naughty ways.
Now, Sishya, and Sir Zizou, let’s get moving. At Cracking Pace, as it were! Ha, ha!’
‘To Tahiti? Yes, Thailaiva, right away, Sir.’
donplaypuks® with my bridging finance man!!
Some Yindian and other terms yexplained:
‘Onnum onnum (1+ 1) ?’ Three, Mannava, Sir.’ ‘Munrum munrum (3 + 3)?‘ Seven, Thalaiva, Sir. Plus 5%, round up Sir? ‘That’s right, seven cracks, 8 million laddoos. That vill be the budget. Good to yave engineer’s training, no? Gormen vill have to pay first.
‘Let’s call in new Con-saltans. Get me Sir Robert Hoodlum, Chairman & MD of Holcroft Con-venant & Con-saltans.
‘Hello!! Who the bloody hell is this? I’m on holiday in Tahiti for godsakes!! Can’t you see I need to re-charge my batteries?’
‘It’s Wigs here, Sir Rob. Yenjoying youverself are you? Ha, ha. Well, I yave an yemergency yindependent con-sultant’s job here for you, 8 million laddoos.
‘Ah, my dear friend Wigs, wondered who it was. You should have accepted my yin.., er, my invitation to party here. You must try the 3-way South Sea-Hawaii-Fiji sauna and massage – sensational, old boy !!
For old times sake, I will send my son, Sir Robin Hoodlum together with his merry men, to personally handle and monitor the project. Ta, now!
CRRRRAAACCCCKKKK!!CRRRRAAACCCKKKK!CRRRRAAACCCCKKKK CRRRRAAACCCCKKKK!!CRRRRAAACCCKKKK!CRRRRAAACCCCKKKK
What the motherf…..ghell was that, Wigs, old fart? For heaven’s sake cut down on the Vindaloo, I can smell it through the phone!! You have to have control, at your age.’
‘No Sir Rob, more cracks on the bridge. Let me see, another 26, so that’s 35 yin total. The contract cost vill yave to be increased to, let me see., Alu + 26 (7+26)…40, mmm....integral of the differential, Fibonacci numbers,…oh ama (oh yes)…quantum fractals, etc etc… oh yes, got yit… 47. Plus vover-riding comm.., er, no, new liaison consultancy – 3 for Syarikat Handal Ambil Durian Yummy (SHADY) of Soonkayagaya Seaphut District. And of course, two for us, 1 for them policy must be strictly adhered to.
It’s 75.108 million laddoos, Sir Rob. I yadded yin the yextra $.108 for yindian good luck numberr. Should we perhaps yincrease contract cost to$ 108 million for yeven betterr good luck? Hmmm, will yave to think yabout it! Also, I yexpect youver report within a week. Don forget, yin yassessing the previous con-tractor’s and con-saltan’s verk ve need ‘Chunam Didgerrydoo 555 Cheroot’ opinion. Bye.
Then ve vill see yabout recovering from the Main-con and sub-con, yinitiate yaction against wall directors, by 2020, by which time they vill wall have hopefully disapp.., er no, dispaired of their bad, bad, naughty, naughty ways.
Now, Sishya, and Sir Zizou, let’s get moving. At Cracking Pace, as it were! Ha, ha!’
‘To Tahiti? Yes, Thailaiva, right away, Sir.’
donplaypuks® with my bridging finance man!!
Some Yindian and other terms yexplained:
Amma - mother
Chunam - lime paste used for chewing with betel leaf and for white paint
Dhal - lentil curry
Didgerrydoo - australian aborigine wooden wind-pipe musical instrument
555 - a brand of cheroot popular I the 60’s to the ‘70’s
Koi Thandam - good-for-nothing
Komalam - loin cloth
Laddoo - round sweet cake
Lingam - phallic symbol representing the God Shiva
Mannava - king/your majesty
Mundam - idiot
Palam - bridge
Sambalam - salary
Sishya - assistant (to a guru)
Soora - a popular brand of bottled toddy
Vindaloo - an Indian hot curry popular in UK
Yanai - elephant
Chunam - lime paste used for chewing with betel leaf and for white paint
Dhal - lentil curry
Didgerrydoo - australian aborigine wooden wind-pipe musical instrument
555 - a brand of cheroot popular I the 60’s to the ‘70’s
Koi Thandam - good-for-nothing
Komalam - loin cloth
Laddoo - round sweet cake
Lingam - phallic symbol representing the God Shiva
Mannava - king/your majesty
Mundam - idiot
Palam - bridge
Sambalam - salary
Sishya - assistant (to a guru)
Soora - a popular brand of bottled toddy
Vindaloo - an Indian hot curry popular in UK
Yanai - elephant
Yeli - mouse
Thalaiva - leader
Thayei - mother
Thalaiva - leader
Thayei - mother
8 comments:
Bro, I am no engineer but as a car buff I know how strong carbon fibre is. It cannot shrink, stretch or break by compression etc. They now say the carbon fibre wrap has broken or cracked. That means, they did not do any bloody repair job the last time around. What they did is that they very cleverly wrap all those parts which cracked the last time with carbon fibre hoping that the carbon fibre would hold the cracks up. In my not very learned summation, what happened now is that the beams etc which the carbon fibre is wrapping has further deteriorated and has probably even broken and that is causing the carbon fibre to crack or break. Imagine. You wrap a matter with aluminium foil. That matter expands and break....in time the aluminium foil will also crack no?
Perhaps some engineers could shed some light.
What is broken is the piggy bank - now at over $300 million and the meter is still running!!
With all these uncertainties like untested carbon fibre, I think the best option is to bash the whole thing down and forget about it. Enough of toll roads and spaghetti junctions.
While we are at it, they should re-think about the untested $10 billion undersea cable at Bunkum Damn and about Tenaga going nuclear. With this kind of poor design, construction & maintenance, all it needs is 1 mistake and we will be facing the dreaded 'Black Winter' for the next 1,000 years that Hirosima & Nagasaki faced in 1945!!
dpp
shankar...borrowing this box to extend invitation to you to bloggers fellowship tomorrow night at Fisherman's Wharf (Tm Desa) 7,30pm, A la carte dinner served FOC and spirits too. Call me 016-6319973 to tell me you will come.
Hello donplaypuks,
Excellent piece! Thank you very much. One can die from laughing when reading your posts.
By the way, I read it with the correct yindian yaccent for added yeffect.
Context, social messages and humour - awesome.
Thanks also for visiting my blog and for your comment. :)
*blush blush O great master of satire....i am but a small worm crawling in blogosphere.
cheers
masterwordsmith
you mean 'yindian yaccent for yadded yeffect. yellow card this time. don't 4get the political and aca context.
keep coming. next post will be friday - 'Wine, How Divine'. If you know nothing about wine & champagne, tune in Friday.
dpp
Hello dpp (r u a real dpp by any chance?? pardon my ignorance..am new to blogosphere)
ah - yes..i did get the political context n da yay c a thingy too but was very sleepy lol..have been telling my frens abt ur blog so u will have new followers soon!!!
yup...tuning in everyday cos u have a lot here to be digested!
keep on writing!
cheers
no, missed my calling in the legal professsion. my father told me all lawyers are liars. so became a trained accountant. sob.
will be researching your blog more thoroughly soon.
tq
Good words.
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