POT LUCK, ANYONE ?

by syed yamin abdul bukhari usman (syabu), donplaypuks® free-lance intrepid correspondent for 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds' & 'Puff, The Magic Dragon' affairs

It was the week of tumbling commodities & agriculture futures prices where johnny-come-lately speculators got their fingers and undepants burnt as well. Donplaypuks® commissioned its special deep-cover free-lance investigative journalist, Syabu, to carry out a secret and in-depth protoscope probe cum plastic tube (batteries not included) investigation into the strange goings-on at the HQ and Branches of our Futures & Commodities United Paradigm Shafting Synergy Systems (or FUCUPSSS for short).

Syabu managed to penetrate deep into the convoluted colons of FUCUPSSS’s labyrinthine entrails to record a 'go burn em type' secret oral & dvd interview with an informed source from the highest echelons of the organization. Deep Throat, identified only as Chief Propaganda Orificer, Firdaus Fandi Benny ( a false name and rank) or CPO FFB, made some startling disclosures, under promise of anonymity and admission to the National Witness Protection Programme (to be tabled in Parliament by 2020), as follows:-

Syabu

How did the speculators manage to dupe FUCUPSSS for so many years? I understand you have some of the most professional as well as London & Washington-trained Enforificers and Unbreakable Security Systems in the World.
CPO FFB

True. But these Zionist speculators and traitors managed to penetrate our ISO2020 IT Computer Security System while in the midst of it being upgraded under a directly negotiated non-tendered-out $ 4 billion EMU (Economic@MsplanningUnit@.gov.con) contract awarded to a company linked to some People of the Book and Lion City.
Syabu

I understand the speculators and rogue traders in the Ujong Tanah incident were initially caught with their fingers in the cookie-jar. How did they then manage to escape from their restricted rooms and retrieve the FFB’s from FUCUPSSS’s security vaults without being spotted?
CPO FFB

Well, they might have had some extra-terrestrial assistance. UFO's.

Syabu

Were the Chinese Triads involved?

CPO FFB

Can't say, man. But for sure there was a lot of chasing the dragon!

Syabu

So, you mean it’s confirmed it was an inside job?
CPO FFB

You didn't hear it from me.
Syabu

How was it determined that it was an inside job?
CPO FFB

Our Internal Enforificers found some of the FFB fruits in the wallets, boots and on the dining table in the living rooms of the conspirators.
Syabu

Whoa! So congvingnience one ah?
CPO FFB

Well the conspirators confessed as well and led us to the evidence.
Syabu

Just like that? They caved in to gentle persuasion in a tea-party like atmosphere in the dungeon? Similar to all those people who confessed to consuming illicit instant 3-minutes Sodo Mee in 1998? What great, friendly tea-parties they must have been, don't you agree? The Enforificers claimed that time they never even had to raise their voices once.
CPO FFB

Standard methadoneology and Geneva Convention interrogation techniques were applied. We are very strict about that.
Syabu

I heard the old rubber hose or plastic tube (batteries not included) and standing wearing only underpants under the air-con at full ice-freezing-blast techniques were used to extract confessions. Speedy results!
CPO FFB

Essentially, Speed was the main issue. So, we sent in our Crack squad of Internal Enforificers, the best in the business.
Syabu

How were the security vaults compromised? Do you normally store concentrated Hydrochloric Acid on the premises?
CPO FFB

Don be stupid! Of course NOT! We store concentrated Nitri Acid.
Syabu

What for?
CPO FFB

You ask me, I ask you lah. Maybe the Skurity Sarjen is a closet chemistry buff training for 'Mastermind' competition in the UK, specialty subject - 'Corrosive Action of Concentrated Acids on Metal Locks.'
Syabu

What about CCTV footages?
CPO FFB

There are some curious gaps and chewing gum in the footages.
Syabu

And where was the Security Sargeant when the vault was broken into?
CPO FFB

Right there at his desk outside the security vault.
Syabu

Oh, you mean..er... zzz…like Rip Van Winkle?
CPO FFB

Yes, let’s move on.
Syabu

What about that incident in Nine Counties? The traders manged to pick a maximum-security vault lock with a piece of metal from a toilet-seat hinge? And then returned with the FFB to the holding rooms to party with FFB ice-kachang?
CPO FFB

Highly ingenious and innovative! They apparently needed the fruits to mix some very potent 'kick' cocktails to celebrate their record quarterly results.
Syabu

They must have had ‘friends’ in high places.
CPO FFB

Yes, they and their friends managed to get to some Very High places at the party that night.
Syabu

And what about the million $ FFB losses from Fort-Knox Vaults at Sell-Out-All State under CM Fujimori Toyota, our first Japanese CM from Peru, some years ago?
CPO FFB

Well a lot of grass has grown under the feet since then. But the Enforificer Rogue Traders were severely dealt with, you know.
Syabu

You mean…no, they wouldn't do that, would they? Good God, no!!
CPO FFB

Yes, all transferred out of the state to the East on 24-hour’s notice with promotions, pay increase, special 1-off bonus and certificates of commendation included.
Syabu

That severe punishment, huh? Like what happened to that teacher who uttered racist remarks?
CPO FFB

There are no exceptions, you must understand. It is standard FUCUPSSS country-wide policy.
Syabu

Rather myopium policies and strategies, wouldn’t you say?
CPO FFB

National stragedy!! Poor strategy ending in long-term permanent tragedy.
Syabu

A lot of money gone up in smoke. Perhaps a case of too many men of poor quality, perhaps?
CPO FFB

You think they should recruit and also promote more women?
Syabu

Why not? Can’t get worse than now, can it?
CPO FFB

Yeah, maybe there will be a heroin or two to improve the morale and image of the Enforificers. You think?
Syabu

You bet!!

donplaypuks® with my cpo ffb pot of luck man!!