A $50 Million, er..no.. $100 Million er no....$500 Million Christmas Carol

by ebeneezer screwged jane, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for aviation and war plane affairs










'little green apples' classic by o.c.smith



Aminah was dead, to begin with. She was dead as a door-nail. More than that. She was more dead than an exploded door-nail, the poor thing!!

It was a Carol that could not be sung in the Christmas of 2007.

Scurrilous bloggers might then have twisted ‘true facts’ to suit their own treasonous political leanings and scuppered the ruling party’s master plan to win the historic General Elections destined to be held in March 2008. God forbid that scurrilous bloggers should ever twist ‘false facts’. It might then truly herald the onset of Armageddon and unleash on the world Nostradamus’ Third Antichrist, Mabus (NB: Nostradamus named Napoleon as the first, and Hitler as the second, Antichrist).

The true tale was one that could chill even the cold cockles of a Scrooge’s heart and still have some left over to re-freeze for another eternity the polar caps, rendering the Copenhagen Convention an unnecessary indulgence.

It was a shame that in the fracas, Air Force 1M was unfairly consigned to the doghouse, caught in the crosshairs of sniping, frivolous commie bloggers and MSM editors for whom the ever busy ruling elite (and their shopaholic wives) had no time.

National honour and security had been at stake. Damn it, this was not a matter that could be tracted and retracted like some private dick’s statutory declarations!

If only they knew! If only!

Thus mused the world’s only 6-star Supreme Commander of Joint Forces and ex-Minister of Defence, General (retd) Rosemajib, as he chomped on his 555 brand 5 cents a piece beedi cheroot and blew smoke rings at the cracked marble ceiling (for which surely the maintenance warranty had not expired yet?) of his plush Successful Prince City Prime Minister’s office. This was an office which had a grand, majestic view of white, white marble colonnades, tree-lined boulevards, fountains and scintillating, shiny, sparkling steel suspension bridges and man-made lakes, designed as it was after 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, otherwise known as the West Wing (Sayap Barat) of the White House in Washington DC in good ol’ US of A.

But something was missing! What was it? Ah yes, covered car parks had been mysteriously omitted in the grand master architectural plans when even lamp post designs had been penetratingly viewed under an electron microscope. But then again, what need had an armada of proton sagas for protection from the scorching sun and elements? After all, we are only talking about respect for the national car, duh!!

The good ol’ US of A was of course the ‘Great Satan’ much despised by the founder of Successful Prince City, ex-Master Planner of the Realm and Sith Jedi Tak Bajet (Budget), Rama Maha Firaun the 1st. But such minor contradictions never deterred giant pricks like Firaun from undertaking massive erections, budgets standing or notwithstanding!

But now is the winter of our discontent, made inglorious summer by the double dickhead son of a bitch of an Airforce 1M General who did not know how to cover up a simple matter of $100 million of the taxpayers’ missing money and nation’s defence assets. Where do they grow them, these wonder weeds who will take a military matter to the cops and the Attorney General and shame the nation? Aah, for a few good men, how he yearned for them did General (retd) Rosemajib.

The true Carol could not be sung even in the Christmas of 2009. Christmas 2020? Perhaps!

But, how could it?

Aminah was dead to begin with, more dead than an exploded door-nail, the poor thing!

Much money had fled the country. The usurious mamak moneychangers had been caught with their pants down subverting the nation’s financial system and transferring $10 million via the Mamak Moneychanger Havala Mafia International Murky Shadowy Greasy Forex Exchange System. $10 million? What a piddling sum for a Chief Minister to be caught with his pants down for! Why at the height of the 1998 Asian Financial Crisis, our High Priest of Finance was seen fleeing with 60 suitcases filled to the brim with....$billions of $ and gold bars, wasn’t he? And they want us to take the 1st lady to court for a mere $600K transferred again illegally to Dubai by the Mamak Dons, for her to purchase much and urgently needed LV handbags, suitcases and shoes? Surely, her old collection of 500 pairs of each is insufficient for a 1st lady who also wears the pants? Now isn’t that selective persecution?

And should the Central Bank and MoF prosecute in the courts the Mamak Moneychanger Dons or the Money Launderers or both? In true local win-win solution and paradigm shafting, the answer is neither. A judicious donation (or even two during the Xmas season), Judge for yourself, always solves these thorny dilemmas of moral dimensions!!

So, if some felt, purely out of altruistic motives that some needed to quietly flog off a few of our crown jewels to generate some FDI’s, is that a crime? National interest comes first. Then come OSA, ISA, PPPA, Restricted Remand Order, 3 a.m. interrogations, water cannons, pepper laced tear gas, pulmonary edema, sudden suicide death while in custody, suicide death by accidental swallowing of paraquat and so on.

Anyway, the Honourable Minister of Defence, )and they are all honourable are they not Brutus?) had conducted a thorough investigation. No stone or F5E Tiger Jet Engine had been left unturned. A further thothally independent internal inquiry led by Wing Commandeer Hopitalong Kangaroo had expeditiously and justly concluded that no one was to be blamed although 40-odd air force personnel were sacked and one BG cashiered (with full pension and $500,000 per year onerous Chairmanship of Pilgrim’s Fund for life thrown in as additional severe punishment).

There is no rumour to the truth that other Generals, Ministers or politicians were involved in this minor brouhaha. Or that an Iranian espionage ring had infiltrated and compromised the nation’s internal security to gain access to high tech planes and weapons systems otherwise barred by UN sanctions and good ol’ US of A OTT (Over The Top) procurement terms and conditions. And certainly Firaun’s trip to an equestrian club in Argentina a few years ago had no connection with the recent ‘finding’ of one of the F5E Tiger Jet Engines there.

A nation slept with sonorous ease, pleased with the Defence Minister’s logical conclusion that Air Force IM’s logistics system was foolproof, that the record and inventory system of all national services was 1000% satisfactory.

The other case of missing 55 Skyhawks Bomber Jet Planes was only a figment of some blogger’s wild imagination. It wouldn't matter anyway after 2012, would it? I mean, one might as well invest in a Noah's Ark and a couple of cows, goats, chickens, white doves and some state-of-the-art scuba diving equipment, might not one!! For Christ's sake, what would fighter planes be good for with the whole world under water?

And Santa Claus really exists. Really!

And God didn't make them thorny yellow durians, and it don't rain in Sungei Besi Air Force Base in the summer time.
And there's no such thing as Dr. M, Scorpenis Submarines Commissions or PKFZ frauds, no pantun rhymes.
God didn't make them little red rambutans, and it don't rain in Butterworth Air Force Base in the winter time.
And when myself is feeling low, i think about her no immigration record C4’d lovely face and go and ease my mind.

Altogether now:

God didn’t make them mauve mangosteens....... C4'd lovely face....la, la, la... (to the tune of OC Smith’s ‘Little Green Apples’).

Merry X’mas y’all!!

donplaypuks® and filch our national assets, you filthy traitors!!

We are all of 1 race, the Human Race

1 TOILET, MANY SYSTERNS!

OR that oh so sweet burning sensation

by jack and jill, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondents for No.1 & 2 affairs. (Systern - a new manglish word derived from system + cistern, meaning a dysfunctional system that stinks to high heaven!). (click on pics for enlarged view.

all pics unashamedly lifted from www without payment). It was a week when PM 6-Star General (Retd) Rosemajib was too bogged down with budgetary concerns to announce yet another much awaited ‘1... something’ to galvanize national unity. As much awaited as another bout of swine, bovine or avian induced pandemic flu or virus! But the poor nation was not spared any relief as certain “Educationists”, venerated as “Playboy centrefold enthusiasts” and “Captains of Industry”, celebrated as “Glocal Fraudtrepreneurs”, sprung up like the malodorous waftings from the bucket system jambans of yore sneaking up on unsuspecting brilliantly planned and aligned downwind constructed housing estates, to fill in the much desired vacuum.

Even as the national education systern lay in tatters, these Educationists (Playboy centerfold enthusiasts) had surfaced from deep within the bowels of the Ministry of Education and with pin point accuracy identified the real cause of deteriorating academic standards, performances and polarisation in schools and institutions of higher learning! It was boldly declared that the indisputable primary cause of 40 years of decline of the New Education Systern (a new Genius Book of Records entry) was that headpersons, teachers and students were introduced too early to separate streaming practices. They were prematurely pressed onto to the creaking tiles of a systern that could not cope with the steamy wanton deposit of such youthful human wastage and exertions! National disunity was in array; wrongly engendered by having ‘His” and ‘Her” toilet systerns.

Chief spokesperson for the ‘1 Nation, 1 Systern’ movement, Dr. John Mary Shanks (PhD in Anal Retention and Pileates Techniques) was hopeful the nation would accommode this new initiative of 1 common toilet systern for all sexes, staff and students in schools, colleges and universities.

He gushed that previously elitist male members would now have the tools, avenues, locations and opportunities to breach the gaps that now exists with female students and that divides headpersons, teachers and students, for all time, i.e. the “crap trap amber stream claptrap” mindset would be flushed away down the toilet tubes forever.

However, moon faced Ustaz Saddam Ahmadinejad Obasama from Jalan Tandas, PJ, put the proverbial spanner in the works before the Minister of Education could pass motion in Parliament, by observing that the matter would have to be re-examined by the religious authorities vis-a-vis close proximity among the sexes rules!

Elsewhere, 1Nation champion, PM 6-Star General (Retd) Rosemajib informed the nation from the majestic Sri Kakus hotel:

"We have a Master Plan in the pipeline. We have oreddy placed a man on the big job. It shall be none other than Gen (ret'd) Dato Bloo Boy, who will head a Super Quango Toilet Task Force with a $ billion budget. Dato BB also brings with him many years of seat warming as Chairman of SPLAT Ltd. (Standard Patents for Latrines for Army Training ). He shall be ably assisted by our very own Datin Chew May Dove Dettol from the MsEconomicPlanningUnit@gov.con . Datin, formerly Chief Operating Officer of SLASH Plc (Standard Latrines and Automated Shit Houses) has a certified E@cons PhD scroll and brings with her loads and buckets of experience in General Education AND solid & liquid waste systerns! We shall leave no chain unpulled, stool unseated or tissue unrecycled to get to the bottom of the problem! All deposits will be fully guaranteed by our Central Bank and MoF! The full report will be out by the later of 2020 and the Mars manned landing!"

CLUELESS CLUEDO!

by sherlock pornthip roja,
donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for inquest affairs













October got off on the wrong foot with the failure to award the Noble Pissed-off Prize to Bush or Ex-Master Jedi Sith Lord of The Realm Maha Rama Firaun The 1^st. Instead, it went to the greenhorn, Obama!

Bush was pissed off because he could not declare, like they do sychophantically in relevant fashion after every Olympic Games and World Cup soccer, that “it was the best Presidency ever!” After all, Bush placed American presence and their war machinery so that they could fight for peace everywhere. A bit like “fucking to restore virginity” weren’t it? Obama had grabbed the Noble Pissed-off Prize for the mere whiff of a promise of an iota of peace. He had then immediately sat down with the warmongering rabid generals and spinmasters to see how they could increase real USA troop numbers in Iraq and Afghanistan and not seem to be in conflict with his earlier presidential campaign promise to pull out by yesterday!! Let’s not even start asking about closing down Gitmo by year end.

Ex-Master Jedi Sith Lord of The Realm Maha Rama Firaun The 1^st and his band of “we want the old corrupt ways back, not the new” breast-beaters and back-whippers also predictably responded with a plan to host an international seminar to criminalise war. Their real agenda is to bring to book Bush and Blair who admittedly, lied to the world about WMD’s (Weapons of Mass Destruction) to justify their oil grab putsch! Firaun and his sycophants had also ranted with the ususal over-worn cliche that 'history is written by the victors' and demanded that Churchill and Truman be indicted for the destruction of Dresden and Hisroshima/Nagasaki diring Word War 2.

It isn’t as though had the world had an Earth War Criminal Act in 1939, Hitler or Hirohito would have meekly backed off to retire to interior decoration and skewering porpoises as life-long hobbies. It is really a kind of mental deficiency, nay, congental idiocy, that can demand Churchill be brought to book for carpet bombing Dresden and Truman for nuking Hiroshima/Nagasaki, while ignoring the historical truths about who started WW2 and would not halt or surrender.

Out of an estimated 80 million civilian and miltary deaths in WW2, some 80% or 64 million were from the ALLIES!! And Maha Firaun thinks Churchill, Truman and Stalin should have gone crawling on their knees to Hitler and Hirohito to beg for peace or invoke Marquesse of Queensbury Rules to resolve the global conflict? If ever there were two cases at one time for genicode by universal consent, it was there in 1945! Thank God we don’t have to “Seig Heil” and salute to “Mein Feuhrer” or sing the Japanese National Anthem, Kamigayo:

“May the reign of the Emperor
continue for a thousand, nay, eight thousand generations
and for the eternity that it takes
for small pebbles to grow into a great rock
and become covered with moss.”

or bow fawningly like craven, spineless rabbits to the portrait of the Japanese Emperor and flag, as our parents had to all those years ago. Sometimes the end does justify the means!

At other times some just don’t seem to have a clue.

In a game of Cluedo, you could, in the early stages take a wild stab and declare:

“The vicar did it with the maid on top of the washing machine in the laundry room with the candle holder”

and be forced to withdraw such a cockamanie assertion to howls of derisive hoots and laughter.

But say, in real life, you had fifteen witnesses who swore under oath and testified at a Royal Commission of Inquiry (RCI) they all saw Chief Justice Lord Shaftesbury shoot Jeeves the butler in his family jewels area with his snub-nose 7 inch .38 as Jeeves was inflagranti delicto shafting Lady Shaftesbury on the dining table in the grand ball room last Tuesday. Now what sort of moral or legal dilemma could this pose to investigating oficer PC Plod or for the matter, the Attorney General, Ganesh Patel, that they should shelve the case as ‘No Further Action’ (NFA) claiming witnesses could not be located or incredibly, that “No crime has been committed!!”

Or let’s take the case of a two-bit actress suspected of being asexually involved with the married son of an infamous politician who is also her employer, much to the disgust of a cosmopolitan society with small town mentality. Then one fine day, the actress dies in her hospital bed in the emergency ward of a government hospital, stinking of poisonous, foul “kumquat juice”. Many samples of blood, body fluids and tissues of the actress mysteriously vanish from the hospital laboratory. The most honourable doctor, and they are all honourable doctors are they not, Chief MO waives the requirement for a mandatory autopsy even though the police had handed him the requisite legal order and forms. The family members all agree with great grief and concern but indecent haste that their beloved kin’s body should be incinerated at once, pronto.

Should we claim victory in this game of Cluedo and pump our fists up and down in the air while boldly declaring “that bitch actress kammitted swicide by yimbibing poisonous “kumquat juice” from a bottle which has mysteriously disappeared while she was all alone at her palatial apartment bought and paid for by the married son of an infamous politician with whom she was having an asexual platonic affair”?

A certain coroner did just that!!

Increasingly, the dead victim becomes the accused.

A young man with no previous criminal record is alleged to have been involved in a car theft ring after he is declared dead while in police custody. Eleven officers are initially suspended from work. A pathologist claims “death by water in the lungs.” A 2^nd pathologist rules “ death by internal bleeding arising from severe beating of the kidneys with a blunt instrument.” A single officer is charged with causing “grevious bodily harm.”

Another young man, called in as a witness to assist investigators is found dead, flung out to 9 floors below from the office windows of his interrogators. The stunning prognosis is sudden suicide! All the officers had gone home, leaving three total strangers alone in their office for hours. They say. Someone heard a single loud exclamation – “You!” - from the victim and another person’s meeting in the toilet. A bloody row, motive for murder. They say. He was involved in corrupt acts. They say. But he only had $3,000 in his bank account. Not exactly the sign of a billion $ Wall St. scam artist was it? Ah, he was depressed because he only had $3,000 for his marriage. That’s why he committed suicide. They say. But why commit suicide in some strange place like that if he’d had a friendly tea-party session with his interrogators? Well, ssh! His fiance was expecting. More depression. They say. But he’d asked his best friend to be his best man at the wedding. Would a depressed person be plannning a grand wedding? Oh, we discharged him at 3 a.m.. They say. But then why was his handphone and car keys not returned to him? Why was his car still in the car park? After all, he was a witness, not a suspect as you swore? Why was he still in your office at 6 a.m. if he was discharged at 3 a.m.?

Oh, something suspicious was going on between him and his house mate or otw why would he stay with her and her family in a rented house. The universe might want to know, they say. You have proof of an affair? We never said anyone had an affair. They say. No sign of foul play. The government pathologists say. But all the signs are ther. Fractured skull, anal tear, contusions and strangulations are there. She says! Oh, paid to testify. They say.

Increasingly, the dead are challenged to defend themselves against scurrilous allegations which the authorities never intend to or can prove. Every stone is left unturned and cemented over to protect the very people who are supposedly there to protect the weak from the excesses of the strong and mighty.

Once more we live in dangerous times. Once more we need a Churchill, Ghandhi, Mandela or King to deliver us from organized evil which will snuff lives with the impunity and ease with which one might snap a dry twig underfoot.

donplaypuks® with my inquests, man!

THE JUNGLE BOOK – of MONKEYS, MONGEESE and KING COBRAS!

or how to start re-writing history

by a.gibbon, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for language, culture and history studies affairs
















the bare necessities - jungle book

king louie & the monkey song - jungle book

Shere Can 1 aka panthera tigris jacksoni or the Malayan Tiger of 13 stripes and the new Towering Glocal Lord of the fetid and fecund Jungle, peered through the kristal clear state-of-the-art Zeiss rose-tinted lenses of the brand new Le Scorpeinis Submarine’s periscope. All seemed well. All was nigh after the first 100 days!

Of course, all seemed well and nigh from the billion $ Con of the Scorpeneis Submarine, parked as it was in the dry docks of Cherbourg, France, two years hopelessly past its delivery date. But to their credit, the full $500 million fee for future ‘facilitation, training, administration and maintenance’ had been disbursed even before the Scorpeinis Sub’s one-of- its-kind Le Stealth Peneiscope periscope had been fully extended. Such was their commitment to excellence in erection and key performance indices that the slimy CEO of the company, Captain Nemotoad had already departed for a long sojourn to Havoxbridge University in UK to earn his triple degree in plastic explosives torpedos !

Shere Can 1, though thought apocryphal, was said to have Mongolian origins, or at worse, some tenuous link to the descendants of Genghiz Khan. Was there any rumour to the truth? Such wild speculation often strangely ended as soon as it neared the lush tropical rainforests of Kamunting in Perak.

But the monkeys of the forest would have none of that ‘all is nigh’ spiel in the Jungle. Puhlease! It was their nature to itch and twitch, pick, lick and eat lice and snort at each others’ cracks as they had their hair plaited at Vidal Baboon’s! They would openly fondle their own and each others’ genitals and testicles. Much like whacko jacko, though unlike her, they could hardly claim artistic or music interpretive licence. Duh!

It’s the Economy stupid, the monkeys would chatter! But Home Economics Minister Baloo the Bear warned the fauna masses they would have to do with the bear necessities. It’s the Global Economic Downturn, help, they cried! But Macro Economics Minister Wolf O'Wizard was witzless! And if the animals threatened to riot at unmanageable spiralling costs of petrol, tolls, energy, food and inflation, Jungle Security Minister Rottweiler would send in Sgt. Pepper and his Spray Gang of 1 Leg Uppers! And lean scavenging beggar Hyenas and starving Leopards with fading spots could be bottled up for merely looking at Antelopes and thinking ‘Ah ha, fast food!’

It was in such times in the land of the Malayan Jungle of the Tiger of 13 stripes that a wild rumour began to vibrate through the apevine. The Head Primate of the Union of Silly Monkeys and Other Animals of the University of Mowgli, Prof Magilla Gorilla by name, had made a unilateral decision of stupendous, stunning logic. But this in itself was not really surprising or completely unexpected. What else could one expect from a Union of Silly Monkeys and Other Animals of the University of Mowgli? Especially when they had taken control mostly through their innate stealth and cunning and not always through universally recognised erudition. Duh!

In the land of the Malayan Jungle of the tiger of 13 stripes, the male from any of the ruling species was more and more frequently given to making unilateral decisions and issuing papal-like fiats, irrespective of the written laws of the Jungle! There was politics, which spewed leaping frogs; and there was ugly politics, which spewed forth leaping cane toads!

Thus Reporter Hens could be arrested for ‘their own safety’ and sent to cool off their feathers in solitary confinement in the coops of Kamunting. Black Panthers could be remanded in cages for wearing black skin. Pythonesque Lawyers could be locked up for slithering up to advice their clients and be charged with Ultra Viresing Tigers. Gnu NGO’s were stockaded for holding peaceful candle-light vigils (surely you gnu dat?). Bear-bottomed Bloggers were snared for having roti chanai pancakes and maple syrup breakfast in coffee shops. Student Eagle Owls were hooted at for gathering in large numbers at Ipoh White House Kopitiam DC (District of Coffee) for latte, molecha and live corpo rats!

So it transpired that Prof Magilla Gorilla embarked upon a re-organization of the Heads & Faculties at the University of Mowgli. Well, not all. He took particular interest in the Rikki Tikki Tavi Faculty of India Mongoose Studies which represented a civilization over 5,000 years old, challenged only by the of Pingi Pongi Qingki Faculty of China Panda Studies, for its long ancient ancestry.

Prof Magilla Gorilla questioned the statistics which of late showed a 60% upward spike in the first class Cobra-killer honours secured by the new breed of once largely immigrant but now naturalised and fully integrated India Mongoose. Never mind that this represented only an increase of 5-6 in absolute numbers per year! Such results were unheard of in other University of Mowgli Faculties which led to squeals of ‘Fixed’, ‘Bought Cobra-killer Degrees’, ‘Relac Supervision’ and such accusations against Mongoose Professors and students. Speculation spread like wild fire that Cobra-killer Doctororates were tainted, toxic; poisoned! Head Giraffe was asked to look into it from his vantage point, but could not resolve the impasse, proving in the process to be no more than a pain in the neck!

Prof Magilla Gorilla was also a Jungle Administration Appointee, a Civil Serpent so to speak. Magilla had in fact been eased into his $500,000 per year job after hastily replacing his $300,000 per year female of the species predecessor. When questioned as to the differential in remuneration, he was quoted as saying that the female brain, having been used very frequently, had only a highly depreciated low net brain value, while his relatively fresh unused brain had huge upside potential!

In a rare flash of brilliance, Prof Magilla Gorilla issued a lethal combination of karate-kung fu fiat that henceforth the Rikki Tikki Tavi Faculty of India Mongoose Studies would be headed by a King Cobra who could not read, write or speak Mongeese! This was done primarily to prevent further in-fighting among the Mongoose, who unlike Professors in other Faculties, had NOT behaved in a gentlemanly fashion in lobbying and vying for the top post in their Faculty. Not quite Cricket, wot! Here was absolute living proof that congenital stupidity will always outperform innovative artificial intelligence, everytime!

Prof Magilla Gorilla then, in a moment of true inspiration, delivered his ‘piece de resistance’ to the Wooden Cabinet of Shere Can 1.

Prof Magilla Gorilla, whose other little known speciality is People Management and Jungle Unity Studies, proposed that the Rikki Tikki Tavi Faculty of India Mongoose Studies be merged with the Pingi Pongi Qingki Faculty of China Panda Studies to create a BRAND NEW FACULTY. This was to be officially christened as the EAST ASIA FACULTY OF THE DEAD STUDIES. With this masterstroke, it was forecast that in a relatively short time to come, the Jungle Administration would save hundreds of millions of $ per year in overhead and capital expenditure.

Some wayward creatures protested publicly against Magilla’s fiats by depositing a decapitated King Cobra’s head at the University of Mowgli’s Temple. They were promptly arrested and incarcerated in Kamunting lock-up for religious bigotry by the ever-vigilant, conscientuous and ferocious Campus Lion Patrol, as it interfered with their inalienable right to prey!

It is in this vine that the uproarious and hilarious simians continue with their antics in the fetid and fecund Jungle of the panthera tigris jacksoni or the Malayan Tiger of 13 stripes. This is the arena where animals crack people jokes, apes smoke havana cigars, quaff champagne straight from the bottle, pinch bottoms and bosoms and become great ambassadors, while lions and tigers lose poker games to cheetahs and snakes study hiss-tory!

And if one should present a Chimpanzee with a bouquet of roses?

donplaypuks® with language, culture and mystory, man!