1 TOILET, MANY SYSTERNS!

OR that oh so sweet burning sensation




by jack and jill, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondents for No.1 & 2 affairs

(Systern - a new manglish word derived from system + cistern, meaning a dysfunctional system that stinks to high heaven!)

(click on pics for enlarged view. all pics unashamedly lifted from www without payment)

It was a week when PM 6-Star General (Retd) Rosemajib was too bogged down with budgetary concerns to announce yet another much awaited ‘1... something’ to galvanize national unity. As much awaited as another bout of swine, bovine or avian induced pandemic flu or virus!

But the poor nation was not spared any relief as certain “Educationists”, venerated as “Playboy centrefold enthusiasts” and “Captains of Industry”, celebrated as “Glocal Fraudtrepreneurs”, sprung up like the malodorous waftings from the bucket system jambans of yore sneaking up on unsuspecting brilliantly planned and aligned downwind constructed housing estates, to fill in the much desired vacuum.

Even as the national education systern lay in tatters, these Educationists (Playboy centerfold enthusiasts) had surfaced fom deep within the bowels of the Ministry of Education and with pin point accuracy identified the real cause of deteriorating academic standards, performances and polarisation in schools and institutions of higher learning!

It was boldly declared that the indisputable primary cause of 40 years of decline of the New Education Systern (a new Genius Book of Records entry) was that headpersons, teachers and students were introduced too early to separate streaming practices. They were prematurely pressed onto to the creaking tiles of a systern that could not cope with the steamy wanton deposit of such youthful human wastage and exertions! National disunity was in array; wrongly engendered by having ‘His” and ‘Her” toilet systerns.

Chief spokesperson for the ‘1 Nation, 1 Systern’ movement, Dr. John Mary Shanks (PhD in Anal Retention and Pileates Techniques) was hopeful the nation would accommode this new initiative of 1 common toilet systern for all sexes, staff and students in schools, colleges and universities.

He gushed that previously elitist male members would now have the tools, avenues, locations and opportunities to breach the gaps that now exists with female students and that divides headpersons, teachers and students, for all time, i.e. the “crap trap amber stream claptrap” mindset would be flushed away down the toilet tubes forever.

However, moon faced Ustaz Saddam Ahmadinejad Obasama from Jalan Tandas, PJ, put the proverbial spanner in the works before the Minister of Education could pass motion in Parliament, by observing that the matter would have to be re-examined by the religious authorities vis-a-vis close proximity among the sexes rules!

Elsewhere, 1Nation champion, PM 6-Star General (Retd) Rosemajib informed the nation from the majestic Sri Kakus hotel:

"We have a Master Plan in the pipeline. We have oreddy placed a man on the big job. It shall be none other than Gen (ret'd) Dato Bloo Boy, who will head a Super Quango Toilet Task Force with a $ billion budget. Dato BB also brings with him many years of seat warming as Chairman of SPLAT Ltd. (Standard Patents for Latrines for Army Training ). He shall be ably assisted by our very own Datin Chew May Dove Dettol from the MsEconomicPlanningUnit@gov.con . Datin, formerly Chief Operating Officer of SLASH Plc (Standard Latrines and Automated Shit Houses) has a certified E@cons PhD scroll and brings with her loads and buckets of experience in General Education AND solid & liquid waste systerns! We shall leave no chain unpulled, stool unseated or tissue unrecycled to get to the bottom of the problem! All deposits will be fully guaranteed by our Central Bank and MoF! The full report will be out by the later of 2020 and the Mars manned landing! "

In the ‘dog eat turd’ world of commerce and business, Robert WC Macanus, Chairman, CEO, MD, Chief Bog Officer, Chief Operating Officer, General Manager and Financial Controller of Grevious Bodily Harm Plc (GBH), the nation’s leading ceramic toilet bowls makers, made a voluntary, but hostile General Offer (GO) to take the company private. Macanus had visionary plans to restructure GBH and then re-launch it on a Glocal scale.

“Squatters of the world, beware. You rest on your haunches at your own peril! The mighty Throne shall have new worthy ass! We aim to establish GBH as the King of the Khazi. Come out of your water closets. Uncross your knees. Don't get your silk panties and Hing's underpants in a twist. There is relief for that oh so sweet burning sensation!” Macanus boasted, cheeks flushed red with excitement!

“Our crack squad of experts have looked into every nook and cranny. WE have left no toilet seat unturned. We have re-designed the colons, entrails and sphincters of the plumbing works to suit every and all tastes. Our revolutionary engineers have come up with a silent ball and cock flush system much approved by the Japanese. More incredibly, the systern has an embedded chip to which you can download your favorite music which will be automatically activated as you position yourself over or on the bowl so as to camouflage unpleasant bodily function noises from being heard by outsiders. Never before has discretion married excretion with only the customer's holistic comfort in mind!

Pucker out as you get transported by the heavenly strains of Tcharkofi’s “Nutcracker Balltz”, Vagner’s “Brown Ring of Fire”, Holst’s “Uranus, the Magician", The Jarmel’s “A Little Bit of Soap” or Frank Zappa’s “Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?” as the mood and expansive movements suit you!!

Orders are trickling in even before our official launch! Come visit us if you have a pressing engagement or need to plug the leak. Spoil youself as you release!” Macanus waxed lyrical.

Chief GBH PR spindoctor, Ms.Trine La’ Trine Max2ply of ‘Lion, Slash and Burn’em Ad Agency’ from Geneva, Switzerland, rolled out GBH’s forthcoming promotion blitz campaign, starting with the ‘Bombay International Long Marathon Runs’, completely sponsored by Chilli Chicken Tikka MacCurry Fastfoods of Ipoh Road Plc and its wholly owned subsidiary, Sentul Slowfoods Fire Curry House. The assault to conquer Europe shall be launched in the Blue Powder Room Boudoir at the Loo Museum in gay Paris, France, where as of RSVP’s today, standing room only is available!

Meanwhile, local protest groups “We Give John Squat Lah”, led by Shaft Jambanatham of Batang Berjuntai Rubber Estates, and “No Standing Room Jane” led by Dotty (Dorothy) Potty of upmarket Bigbangdutakennydamanshires G&G Community (gated and guarded by dysentry) assembled in large numbers at the Ipoh Old Town Outhouse White Coffe Kopi Thiam & Tea Restaurant in Jalan Kenching off Jalan Duta . ALL wore BLACK T-shirts emblazoned with highly amusing and witty slogans such as:

Who arse dem?

Big shit, no chief!

Me Jane sit. You Tarzan stand. Fido go find lamp post.

Eat shit. A billion flies can’t be wrong, can they?

Boycott shampoo. Ask for the real poo!

I get more ass than a toilet seat.

Look up. My eyes are not on my chest!

I’m dyslexic. Tihs happens.

Mrs. Chan, lose 20 kg in a week. Eat less, shit more!

Faced with such a spontaneous outpouring of peaceful and quiet dissent, not to mention distasteful mass quaffing of watered down syrupy vanilla or caramel drowned coffee and tea falsely touted as latte, mocha and Earl Grey at $10 ++ a shot, the authorities had no alternative. The PEOPLE could not be permitted to assemble AND have fun as well! God forbid that this might unite them as a nation!

They assembled their water cannons and opened fire with pepper and chemically laced water. The coffee and tea immediately tasted infinitely better! They splashed left and right and over and under wetting everyone and leaving huge, steamy puddles of water in the potholes on the sidewalks and roads. Teary and red eyed protesters ran hither and thither in blind confusion. Soon it became a farce as thousand more joined in for the free wet-t shirt ogling opportunity. Thus was born the 1 Nation, 1 Toilet, 1 Systern, 1 Free Wet T-shirt Day (buy1, free1)!

Many protesters, taken to court and charged with illegal assembly and of being a threat to national security, pleaded “It’s a bum rap! We are going to counter sewer the authorities!”

“You are in deep shit and you make mind-boggling jokes? That's execrable!” warned Attorney General Lord Brown Tongue as he protested with tongue in cheek sarcasm to Chief Justice Lord Brownnose.

Bidet as it may, as the news filtered out in drips and drabs, life bombed on in 1 Nation. 1 Nation, bound as it was in chains and hastily covered as it was in scotch taped pristine bubble-wrap undisturbed and in as mint a condition as the day it left the desk of the highest office in..........

donplaypuks® with the power of the Throne, man!

ps how many 'toilet' references can you count above?

Why did Capt. James Kirk of the Enterprise buy a million toilet rolls? To fight the Klingons circling Uranus!

What is the similarity between the Vulcan, Spock, and Toilet Duck? They both battle Klingons!

What did 1 toilet say to another? - Something wrong dear? You look so white and all flushed out.