RAINTREE SENTENCED TO HANGING BY TRAINEE JUDGE

by arnaud dubus du da colon, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for Berak State of affairs












In yet another twist to the excrement that will not be flushed away in Berak State, trainee judge Dato Sir Yang Arif Nomore Usman Shanks (ANUS) announced a decision that caused severe diahoerria in the legal world and beyond.

ANUS, a graduate of the (in)famous Masjid India Holburnemholeindapocket Law College and a former salaried sleeping partner at legal firm Messrs. Sue, Grabbit & Run, speaking in a cell phone interview with ace hack Rockyhorrorbrewshow of the New State Parsley Sage Rosemary Thighmes Newspaper while performing number 2 bodily function seated on his Throne, confirmed that,

“...In accordance with the various provisions of the State Penile & Anile Codes, the World infamous Berak State Raintree shall be taken by its nether roots, hung by its tallest branch until it breathes no more and then put to fire, the ashes to be thrown into the sea as just and fair punishment for unauthorised provision of shady assistance to illegal assemblers, being an accessory before, during and after the fact and aiding and abetting in the public discharge of anti-Government and anti-Royal sentiments against the order of Nature.”

Yang ANUS confirmed that he had arrived at his historic unprecedented decision in his chamber pot after hearing trickling and steamy convoluted groaning arguments on Constipational issues from lawyers representing the legal Berak Chief Speaker, Chief Got Cojones and the illegal Berak Chief Minister, Chief Defecating Bull & Blood, Phd.

Yang ANUS broke new wind over grounds that regardless of long-standing provisions in the Federal Constipational Laws, Chief Got Cojones could neither represent himself nor engage any lawyer other than Chief Shaman Uranus, Berak State’s Chief Legal Orificer, to defend him in court. Chief Got Cojones had allegedly convened an illegal and Unconstipational Shitting of the Berak State Pow Wow session under the shade of the said Raintree in question, caveat emptor and e & eo excepted!

Yang ANUS was adamant that there were no provisions in Berak State’s Conspitation for a public Standing Pow Wow of the Chiefs or Piss Pipe Smoking. He was further incensed that Chief Got Cojones and his Braves had obstinately refused to hire Tepee-style Tents for $ 6 million Ringgit from the authorities to hold their meeting in, but had instead conducted a shitting of the Berak State Assembly while standing up beneath the boughs of the said Raintree in question, caveat emptor, e & eo excepted!

Yang ANUS was reportedly peeved and pissed off at having to spend a disproportionate length of time dealing with Chief Got Cojones when he had pileing up in his chamber pot deposits of ‘more important’ case files of public concern.

Meanwhile, Berak State Chief of I Polis Raja, Chief Geronimonomoremoney admitted that he had erred in supporting the Chief Secretary of Berak State Assembly in locking up the Assembly Hall thus preventing Chief Cojones and his Braves from conducting their open meeting behind closed doors.

“All our men, including myself, had early morning pressing issues and we were bogged down by orders from our superiors in Peace Hill Resort to flush these shysters, very red Indians and Zionist conspirators out in the open. We can honestly say that we kept the piece as is our sworn duty.”

Elsewhere, Chief Got Cojones in confirming he would be appealing against the ruling by Yang Anus, confirmed,

“We have retained Tom Hagen, one-time Attorney at Law for Puzo, Corleone, Santino, Michael, Fredo, Luca, Clemenza, Solozzo, Connie, Mario & Luigi, specialist in family protection, offer and honour, horse heads, cosa nostra, Las Vegas, machoness, mano a mano, and sleeping wit da fish to represent us. We shall be filing our appeal to the Federal Court of Constipation.

We understand that a panel of 3 senior judges headed by Yang Arif Wan Hung Lo (whose descending judgement in the strained dispute case of Hernia vs Piles is a legal classic) will be hearing our appeal. We are confident that our Law Lords will see through the single-ply thin tissue of lies that have been used to prevent me from exercising my rights as Chief Got Cojones of Berak State.”

However, the illegal Berak Chief Minister, Chief Defecating Bull & Blood, Phd, maintained that,
“This is all nonsense. HRH has sac Chief Got Cojones and his boss from da Berak State and I have been legally appointed Chief of Berak State. Why, I have retained Messrs. Basset,Hound,Chase,Mount,Shaft & Whackdemallalotmore to defend me against these imposters and pretenders. The indigestion they are going to be hit with will make the Kerala and Madras runs seem like a mild case of mamak mee goreng food poisoning!”

In BREAKING NEWS at the capital, outgoing sleeping flip-flop PM Rip Van Winkle was categorically reported as saying,

“There is no rumour to the truth that my running into at a Prophet Mohamad Birthday bash, bro Sir Abim Obasama, the de facto leader of the opposition, was a planned affair.

Nor did we discuss sacking the PM designate Rosemajib in view of fresh allegations about the Mongolian Ambassador case in the French newspaper ‘Liberation’ or the Constipation fiasco in Berak State where trainee judges have refused to consult senior federal judges and made Unconstipational decisions.

Nor about calling for fresh elections in Berak State as it is patently obvious to a new-born baby that’s HRH’s illegal Berak Chief Minister, Chief Defecating Bull & Blood, Phd does not command the respect or support of the majority of the PEOPLE of Berak State. Though, yes, I do agree it is a shitty state of affairs!

No, he talked about it while I listened and enjoyed the goat cojones rendang and other rare delicacies!

Nor is there is any rumour to the truth that I am a PAS supporter in sheep’s clothings just because my paternal grandfather from the Middle East was the founder of PAS!”

donplaypuks® with my Federal Constipation, man!!