PEOPLE TESTING LAB (BUTCHER HOUSE) IN PARAMESWARA STATE! RUN FOR THE HILLS OR LONDON!

by macaque macaca malaka, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for charnel parfume and lipsticks


Shere Can 1, of the turkish variant constitutional species of panthera tigris jacksoni or the Malayan Tiger of 13 stripes and the old Lord Towering Glocal of the fetid and fecund jungle of Parameswara State majestically positioned himself in the tight cockpit with his mate as he broke wind in confined space. 

He cleared his throat deeply as he peered through the rose tinted kristal clear state-of-the-art halal Zeiss protoscoped periscoped lenses of his brand new $35 million France-Tigris (FT) light manoeuvrable armored tank. It was impenetrable, even with liberal gobs of KY Jelly lining, to any handheld shoulder launched RPG (rocket-propelled grenade) anti-tank shell and even laser guided missile. Or so, the manufacturer claimed, but no one knew its true capabilities since it had never been tested in any war. And the Tigris Govt, with record national debts of $362 billion rising at 12% per annum compounded could not afford to sacrifice even one in live ammo tests, though iPadPod Avatar-like touchy-feely computer simulations showed brilliant results.

The USA Sherman tank-like prototype effort, like the cutaway picture above, one of 231 in a $8 billion France-Tigris collaborators' contract, had been meant for UN observation duty in Afghanistan. But due to a slight manufacturing defect, it came in with the tank graffiti paint-sprayed in phosphorent yellow with "I'M WITH STUPID" in block letters, welded at its base to bricks, it's dual kerosene/petrol fuel driven engine and caterpillar treads missing on both sides and at double the standard weight specifications. It was immediately hailed a national success with six month's bonus paid to each of the management and assembly-line staff engaged on the project!!

There were no rumours to the truth that the missing highly OSA/ISA classified dual fuel system, engines and caterpillars had found their way to Iran, Uruguay, Melbourne, Ulan Bator, Uzbikinistan, Manchester or London. Or that the Attorney General would be applying for extradition proceedings against the treasonous 'missing' parts, though Tank Field Marshal Desert Fox Rommel Montgomery's recommendations for a 300-strong force (including wives, children and Indonesian garuda maids) to investigate a tanks' spare parts cannibalising international syndicate based in Morocco and Libya was approved by Joint Forces Chief, Hog-nosed Skunk Toyo of Blackwood Hills!!

So, the lone $35 million FT tank, the pride (and prejudice) of local denizens was stationed permanently on top of Parameswara State Hill to the amazement of touristy Iberian (Portugal) wolves and lynx who nevertheless slotted in $5 coins for an unmatched protoscoped periscoped fish-eye view of the panaromic surroundings and sea while they dabbed their eyes with clinically sterilised cotton swabs, inside and out for double DNA soaked tears, for the privilege!

All seemed well, but all was definitely NOT nigh!

Rumblings in the apevine hinted at unrest among the animals. Forest depletion to oil palm estates, unchecked property development, new toll highways, 12 damn dams, smoke and pollution belching aluminium smelter plants, small 100-acre lots for Chief Ministers and croneys and such had led to much loss of favourite jungle hunting grounds. Prolonged droughts forced many beasts to look for food and water in fringe human land and eventually, humans, as the primary source of fast food.

That was ok for the onmivores and the carnivores. But what about the herbivores and total vegans? How could they know which humans were safe to eat or of the the long-term dangers posed by consuming silicon filled breasts or side effects from squaffing barbequed liposucked buttocks, plastic surgeried noses and penile extensions? Good god, even the male of the human species was not above indulging in "Brazilian butt lifting" and surgical enhancement of their hind quarters through synthetic implants and injection of fat! Then there's all that lard-laden Mcdonald's extruded french, oops no, freedom fries, beef burgers and aspartame-laced diet-coke and cola. There were coke sniffers, grass and crack smokers, amphetamine swallowers, heroin injectors  and ice addicts who even insert it anally!! 

It was literally a minefield out there, a dilemma of biblical proportions! Someone and some way had to be found to evaluate which human was fit for consumption and which not; which parts of their bodies were tastier and which parts were safe or not for frenzied live blood oozing and spurting feasting! Was the female homo sapien as safe for consumption as the male or was there a primal curse and price to pay? Could you roast her in a fig leaf? Was white meat as good or as safe as brown, yellow and black? Which had more protein and which was carbo loaded or fat?

As far as animalia was concerned, the philosophical, ethical and moral aspects of eating humans did not of course quite figure in the equation. But what of the sagging flesh of the sub-prime mortgage selling con artists from AIG? Or the marrowless and spineless bones of Goldman Sachs who hawked and short sold Collaterised Debt Obligations (CDO) and Credit Default Swap (CDS) instruments before unloading billions of them as 'good as gold' investments to their unsuspecting clients? The tongues of the WMD lying Bush and Blair-types - should you swallow them raw  and whole or have them salted and pickled in brine first to be safe and sure?  Will a goulash of the belly of Soros-like forex speculator and Maha Firaun racists be too bile and adrenalin infected and poisonous? Can the thick-skinned shoulder meat and drumstick-thigh quarters of UMNO rent seekers, ali baba fraudtrepreneurs and the "lu tolong gua, gua tolong lu"  (you pick and eat my tick, I'll pick and eat yours!) Prime Ministerial monkey types be marinated and tenderised before searing or frying in fat? And tenderise with what - dilute or concentrated nitric acid? Wasn't their skin too toxic to be penetrated by fangs and claws to lay tongue on? How could you tell?

So the Tigers consulted the wise owl, Rabbits Warren Eat As Much as You Can for $10 Buffet, (No GST yet & 7% off for some ) otherwise known also as the Kosher Sausage of Zion, for $77 million fees per year excluding expenses and disbursements. Much extensive lab session were held throughout the country with humans fed on an excessive diet of oily roti jala to gauge their reaction to shock, but much needed, therapy. The results were further augmented and supported by highly rated Nielsen public polls where 2,000 unemployed male humans were asked:

"Do you want a job that pays $10,000 a month doing nothing more than smoking cigarettes, trying on eco-friendly jungle lipstick, charnel perfumes and being injected now and then with new vitamins, vaccines and medicines while lying all day long in bed and watching endless repeats of P. Ramlee's 'Ali Baba Bujang Lapok'  on TV Tak Mahu Station?" 

Surprisingly many humans said "yes" with the rider that to make sure, the government should throw in the full mindless and totally depraved 'Desperately  Screwing Housewives' and 'Sex and/in the Jungle' series as well.

And thus was born the $5 billion '10MPNEPNEM People Testing Centre' which soon became more popularly known among humans as Butcher House! The contract details of Butcher House were duly secretised under OSIBISA (Official Secrets, Intelligence, Banking and Insurance Act). Butcher House was built right on top of that hill after the 500-year old colonial Portuguese fort was completely demolished! Surely the philistines cannot object on the grounds of preservation of heritage, history, architecture and history where business and billions of $ of foreign direct investments are involved, can they?

And of course the croney beneficiary of the contract were the Buaya (crocodiles) and of course it was a 30-year monopoly funded by a 100% Tiger Government R&D Grant with a pre-contract advance of $6 billion, subsidised interest at 2%, and the standard standby failure buy-back clause with full capital and profit compensation guarantees in case the supply of humans did not meet the moderately projected targets of 30 million a year!!! There was also that standard moderate budget of $100 million for "overseas visit and study" trips, locally known as "lawatan sambil belajar" to the camps at Auschwitz, Belsen Belsen and Treblinka, with side trips to the belly-eating capitals of Morocco and Libya, for a 300-strong delegation,including wives, families and Indonesian garuda maids!

Butcher House was a roaring success - for the concessionaires of course! White rhino and cobra feasted on the abundant delicacy of pickled oriental penis; sharks, whales, dolphins and porpoises drank gallons of japanese, russian and norwegian ear-lobe soup at weddings; pangolins on taiwanese boiled hairless shelled testicles; snails and horses favoured garlic and ginger laced rare french tenderloin and rump steaks while the apes, orangutans and chimps just loved that flambe of brandy sprinkled open skull honkie brain with its owner live and kicking while still wedged under the table!! Goats and cows roamed the plains and valleys and hill sides while ruminating late morning and chewing cud of indian and malay salted jerky! Cod and salmon gormandized on mamakhead curry served on nasi kandar or instant 3-minute maggie noodles with the squinty succulent eyes especially much favoured as a delicacy.

After all, was it not God who had decreed that anything that walked on two legs was fair game? Four legs good, Two legs, better! Heh, heh, Heh!

Oh, and there was more - italian and french hide handbags, pants, skirts and overcoats much loved by brand conscious crocodiles, panthers and leopards were the delight of the haute couture, pret a porter and moda this and moda that fashion shows all over south east asia. There was no limit or end to these parties.

But prime cuts of human meat from their Great Leaders, Firauns, War Lords, Trained Economists and their wives, Chief Ministers and lastly KKK Perkosong Ali and his right wing lieutenants were missing from the almost complete menu one could ever ask for. Most from this sub-class of homo sapiens were seen to have departed in hordes to their $50 and $100 million palatial homes in London, Sydney, New York and Paris and the south of France when news of Butcher House first surfaced. 

As to their true loyalty to their native land and how they had accumulated such fabulous Midas/Croesus-like wealth, why ask?

It's the law of the jungle!!

And then the shit really hit the fan when the Trained Economist and his Chief Minister said the licence for Butcher House while approved, had not been awarded, and that it was not final yet!

donplaypuks® with animal rights, man!