2ND NATIONAL FLAG? SOLUTION IN HAND!

by bs sekar, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for rubber, latex and french letters affairs

Incensed by the refusal of many to fly 1M (Not Israel) flags (or kites) outside their homes and on motorcar aerials during the last National Day celebrations, de facto leader of the House of Uncommons where some are seemingly not only more equal than others but apparently also own all the land as far the eye can see, President Rosemajib who wears the pants and her very cross dressing husband who wears the skirts, threw the problem to Roti Jala (author of 'National Laboratory Bankruptcy') and his $100 million laboratory assistants and (E)Con Transformers, Messers. APCOT Spindoctors, Moshe, Jho and Levy A Lot for Nought, for resolution.

After several months of in depth investigations and probings, penetrating fact-finding tours to nearby cities (Paris, London, New York, Tokyo, Rome, Munich, Geneva) and prolonged consultations in Bangkok and Lebanon, RJ revealed to a stunned secret gathering of Bumno and Perkosong acolytes that they had the solution in hand.

They had come to the conclusion (several times) that it would be in the best interest of nation building and national unity to adopt the humble CONDOM as a second national flag! 

Bumno and Perkosong, being inveterate veterans at this old game, found it easy to swallow RJ's (E)mission statement and Powerpoint presentation! Apcot knew all about pressing the right buttons and stroking the pouches of select members of Bumno and Perkosong!

They reasoned that in an era where Noble Prize winning Economists and Finance Gurus were unable to predict yesterday's date today and the direction the sun would rise in tomorrow, Roti Jala and Messers. APCOT Spindoctors, Moshe, Jho and Levy A Lot for Nought had concluded that the ordinary people could more easily identify with the humble condom as an economic and business facilitator if only symbolically (but actually more than that) since it could:

1. Inhibit inflation
2. Deflect deflation
3. Stop sudden surges
4. Arrest accidents and soak up spillages
5. Plug population explosion
   
6. Dampen industrious over production
7. Smoothen rough patches and landing points at our ports of entry
8. Facilitate and oil the wheels of industry and new business entry points
9. Nip in the bud overexuberance in an over-expanding and overheated environment
10. Enhances the marketability and shelflife of local douche bags
11. Make wild oats and seed sowing more of an agricultural than a social problem
12. Reward the long-stayers and punish (gently) and contain the premature eager beavers
13. Prevent systems viral and fungal infections
14. Be washed and reused at no cost in an emergency
15. Enable penetrating movements and observations to be made from the safety and privacy of home
16. Restrict construction and erections to what we can grasp as opposed to turning around to the old Middle East and Dubai ways
17. Promote better understanding between the sheets and sexes
18. Protect a bunch of civil serpents and government pricks
19. Not suffer flip flops
20. Promote international understanding, mutually beneficial relations, satisfaction and peace regardless of skin colour and without necessitating skin to skin contact

Accordingly, Messers. APCOT Spindoctors, Moshe, Jho and Levy A Lot for Nought were ready to roll out a 1M (Not Israel) awareness campaign for a mere $250 million Initial Development Cost (subject to VO's, Alibabaism and $888 billion leakages), the direct nego contract of which would be awarded to a local $2 company which had no previous experience in advertising or manufacturing latex products or prophylactics i.e. Messers. Contra Herpeseptic Spin Pte Ltd . 

Messers Contra Herpeseptic Spin would be mounting a nationwide fervent PATRIOTISM campaign over the bed posts and matresses of all households as it were.

donplaypuks® is proud to be the first to reveal some of the proposed posters and slides prepared by Messers Contra Herpeseptic Spin for full page ads in the Buntutsan Parsley Sage Rosemary Thighimes Daily and Washington Post. Here goes!

(Click on pics for enlarged view).

Breaking News is that Messers. APCOT Spindoctors, Moshe, Jho and Levy A Lot for Nought have embarked on a new project  for a 2nd National Anthem with lyrics set to the theme song of 'SHAFT!' - WHO DA BLESSED PRIVATE DICK, MAN?

donplaypuks® and shaft around with our economy and people and make a gooey mess of it all, man!

KERISMUDIN BANS 35 UNLIKELY LOCAL BOOKS!

or The Apes of Wrath by John Steinbeck

by james joy's juice what the dickens, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for literally fiction affairs

Hot on the heels of police led raids on publishers and bookshops and confiscations of all known copies of 'The March To Putrajaya' by Kim Kwek (sounds very suspicious, this Chinese name with only two parts; must be a Zionist plot) and Zunar's cartoons, Home Minister Kerismudin I Apologise, Not, left no stone or page unturned in ferretting out more possibly seditious and dangerous books by local authors that might sow the seeds of riots and revolution as in Tunisia and Egypt.

Kerismudin claimed at a press conference at the national airport accompanied by 60 "empty" Xtra Large Samsonite suitcases and Buntutsan Daily and New State Parsely, Sage Rosemary and Thighimes Newspaper hacks that, of course, what had occurred in Tunisia and Egypt and had seemingly spread to Algeria, Bahrain and Yemen, could not possibly be replicated here because the people were in full possession of all the government works of fiction. Nevertheless, he proposed 'to nip things in the bud' as 'Squad Fahrenheit 451' flaming officers from his 'book 'em Dano' division went full swing into action to remove from bookshelves across the nation, 35 potentially "inflammatory" books penned by several local writers . Kersimudin assured the public that all flammatory books were safe.

The unlikely books, titles and authors' names are classified under OSIBISA (Official Secrets, Intelligence, Banking and Internal Security Act).

However, donplaypuks® through its moles in 'Squad Fahrenheit 451' managed to secure the highly classified unlikely list of books as follows:

1. $100 Million Consultants? My Ass! by Rosemajib
2. Civil Serpents by SS Sidek Cirkhusring
3. Corretc!Corretc!Corretc! The Whole Tooth Fairy by Lingam’s Saucy Chili
4. Dry Docks $4 Billion Floating Submarines by Aminah See Four
5. End Affirmative Action Today! by I.Ali
6. Fine Backstabbing Traditions by Kerismuddin
7. Free Haircuts (in the dark) For Sikhs by NS Barber
8. He Strangled Himself To Death by MA Cowes N. Carse
9. How To Build The Taj Mahal for $3.5 million by K.Shah Jahan Toyota
10. Interlok For Indians by G. Palani S.Velu
11. Jet Engines of Uruguay by A.Ganesh Patel
12. Kit, Don’t Lie! You Were There Last Summer by Maha Firaun
13. Maha Firaun, Don’t Be Economical With The Truth! I Was Not There Last Summer by Kit
14. Kugan’s Peaceful Death by Hole In The Head
15. Lee Kuan Yew, My Best Friend by Maha Firaun
16. Mgf Malott, Wecome To Malaysia! by Adolph H.Nazri
17. National Bankruptcy Laboratory by Roti Jalai
18. No Commissions, Love of Country by AR Rahman Bankindamoneybaginda
19. No Cyberspace Censorship by BS Rice Tim
20. No Highway Tolls For Thee (For The People, Yes) by NS Plus Saad
21. Nuclear The Future by Chernobyl Tenaga NB
22. Only Off The Rack Department Store Budget Clothes For Me by R.Flom
23. Only Merit Based Scholarships For All by JP Awam
24. Open Tender, Of Course (In Due Course)! by MoD Mad Zaid
25. People Power ? In Malaysia? Maybe. Egypt? Impossible! by Rosemajib
26. Quid Pro Quo or $5 million, Anyone? by Rosemajib
27. Safe GM Nuclear Mosquitos by A.Nophe Les Swat Ouch
28. Tanah China by I.Ali
29. Teaching The England 1.01 by Muhy the Yiddunce
30. The AG Is Clean by Showmedamoney Ramona
31. The Queen Is Supreme by R.Flom
32. There Was Once A Crooked Man Who wanted To Build A Crooked Bridge All With His Own Crooked Money And The Crooked Government Would Not Let Him. Sob! by Maha Firaun
33. Valentine’s Day For All Malaysian by Jais A.Thot
34. We All Love Arasia, Now Everyone Can Collect Retrenchment Pay by Mana Ada System 
35. Singapore, My First Love by Maha Firaun

 Read 'em and weep! More books may soon be added to the above list!

 donplaypuks® with my books, man!

STOP PRESS! 1NATION (NOT ISRAEL) CORNERS DAMN OSCARS!

by chichakman pontianak spielscameronramliburger, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for d movies and d arts affairs

(CLICK ON PICS FOR ENLARGED VIEW)

Yes, it's that time of the year again. DAMN (donplaypuks® Academy of Movie News) Oscars time again! And what a performance from1Nation's (Not Israel) movie producers, directors, actors and actresses. Of course, a $150 million Taxpayer whacked Boing contribution to Apcot PR Spindoctors and  Quacks Inc has resulted in an appropriate and truly justifiable inclusion of this fantasy achievement in the New Age Genius Book of Records for 5-year old Leonardo Da Vinci Code Breakers.

To recap on the DAMN Oscars, click click here

“The formal ceremony at which the 2011 DAMN Oscars awards will be presented shall be held at the world class open-air Gong Badak World Class Stadium in KT and televised globally. It is expected to be one of the most prominent award ceremonies in the world, attracting film stars, producers and glitterati from Hollywood, Bollywood, Kollywood and Honkytonkywood, overshadowing other international award ceremonies such as the Hollywood Oscar, Hammy (best ham actor), Grammy (best grandmother story), Tony (Tony Roma, best steaks), Cannes (best tin cans), Bata (best school shoes), Buntutsan Awards (best bad- ass racist journo) and the like.”


BREAKING NEWS! "KUALA TERENGGANU: A consulting engineer was charged at the Sessions Court in connection with the Sultan Mizan Zainal Abidin Stadium roof collapse in Gong Badak here, nearly two years ago." click here 

Here's a selection of movies from 1Nation (Not Israel), 3 Systerns (systems + cisterns) that will be vieing for this year's DAMN Oscars from an organization set up in 2009 to recognize excellence of professionals in the local film industry, including directors, actors, actresses and writers, with an annual award.

TRUE TEFLON-COATED GRIT 

 

A truly stirring re-make of a riotous 1969 movie about a one-arm bandit de facto President Rose Maddie who wears the pants (and her very cross dressing, skirt wearing and $100 million consultants besotted President husband) who engages ruthless Chief of Police, One-eyed and perennially drunk Rooster Cocklessburnt to track down the killers of Maddie's mother, Stevie Sharibu. 

Rose Maddie offers $1 billion reward money to the captors of the killers. This is announced as 'final and will be withdrawn over my dead body" through state owned ANAL (Apanama News Agency Limited) and Buntutsan Parsely, Sage, Rosemary and Thimes newspaper. However, an hour later Maddie declares her decision as "final but not certain" and "withdrawn (tarik balik)." 

Nevertheless, Rooster Cocklessburnt is joined by Police Ranger, Le Beef No Pork, in hot pursuits of clues and leads to the killers, Chinaman Eat Anything Oso Can and the Ned Black Pepper Chicken Steak Gang, who venture deep into No Beef, Pork Maybe, Mutton Yum Indian-tribes territory. The Indians are busy and furious, interloked with casteing off tribal disputes and slurs and taunts that "yo mama was a coolie and yo papa was a rolling black stone and a travelling salesman who made his home wherever he found a lay."

In the showdown, Stevie Sharibu's seven killers are all shot dead with a single bullet in true spaghetti western style, but not before they confess that they had acted under Maddie's orders!

On his return, Rooster Cocklessburnt demands a RCI (Royal Commission of Iniquity) into Stevie Sharibu's death. Despite overwhelming testimony and proof offered at the RCI, nothing sticks on the Teflon coated gritty President Rose Maddie who goes off to Saudi Arabia to look into international terrorist organizations operating at home.

 
THETHE KKING'S SSPPEECCHH IS CCANCCELLEDD



A truly stirring movie about a de facto Prime Minister, Rose Georgina the Sixth who wears the pants (and her very cross dressing, skirt wearing and $100 million consultants besotted Prime Minister husband) who stutters, stammers and stumbles her way from billion $ direct nego monopolistic government contracts to billion $ direct nego monopolistic government contracts. She infuriates the poor, starving and hungry people by flippantly dismissing them with:

"Let them eat half-baked Roti Jala Cake from the Paramatta School Laboratory for 5-year old Leonardo Da Vinci Code Breakers!"

Her Presidency is nearly C4'd until fate intervenes and she stumbles across the internationally renown therapissartist, the Swamiji Bhagwan Sri Bungunwashed Baksheesh Ji, founder of the Worldwide Howdeepisyourlove Free Love Society, School of Transcendental Meditation, 3 and 4-D Numbers Forecast and Predictions University. Everyone calls him BeeJi.

BeeJi recommends Rose Georgina take up cigar smoking or chewing on seven sterilised marbles to cure her stutter and stammer. It works, but she develops a peculiar Mongolian accent.

The dynamic trio next embark upon a nefarious plot to declare marshal law, cancel forthcoming general elections, suspend the Constitution, abolish Constitutional Monarchy and replace it with a Republic and turn the nation into a vassal of the People's Republic of China through Singapor, become the 51st state of USA and a colony of Israel and Zionists! The plan is announced as 'final and will be withdrawn over my dead body" through state owned ANAL (Apanama News Agency Limited) and Buntutsan Parsely, Sage, Rosemary and Thimes newspaper. However, a minute later Rose Georgina declares her decision as "final but not certain" and "withdrawn (tarik balik)." No dead body is delivered anywhere. 

There are riots in Tunisia and Egypt and World War 3 breaks out!


BAN THE SOCIAL NETWORK FOREVER 

A truly stirring movie about a nerdish President Rose Erika Alldarkjib who wears the pants (and her very cross dressing, skirt wearing and $100 million consultants besotted Pesident husband) and her confounding group of Ministers who strike out to censor and ban the Internet forever!

Supported by Home Minister Mark Kerissuckerburger and bank rolled by his buddy for Arty Farty Affairs, Computers and MsInformation, Eduardo Tim Rice, the Government institutes multiple lawsuits, counter suits and Armani suits against anonymous bloggers who frequently expose corruption in the Cabinet and Party. But their bark turns out to be worse than their byte as bloggers continue to defy them.

Bloggers also detect that government computers are infected with the Roti Jala Government Economist Virus - the country is bankrupt but all the statistics show it is ahead of China! They attack the government's kitchen-sink economic policies. Worse follows. Government computers are attacked by the Airlines Baggage Virus - the hard disc remains at home, but the data ends up in Singapore and Wikileaks!

Refusing to own up to mistakes (like the Ted Kennedy Virus - one which crashes the hard disc but denies it ever happened) President Rose Erika Alldarkjib, Mark Kerissuckerburger and Eduardo Tim Rice depart for the leading democratic nations of the world - China, Iran, Iraq, Somalia, Libya, N.Korea, Russia, Egypt, Saudi (and Dubai Shopping Mall) - for inspiration on how to combat the cyber traitors. A small team comprising family members, maids and 2,000 government IT and administration civil servants (who are like programming or sex - one fcuk-up and you have to support the by-product for life) accompanies them!

They return and President Rose Erika Alldarkjib proposes a new law banning the Internet forever. The plan is announced as 'final and will be withdrawn over my dead body" through state owned ANAL (Apanama News Agency Limited) and Buntutsan Parsely, Sage, Rosemary and Thimes newspaper. Spontaneous protests break out all over the nation as millions gather in open air in the capital and leading cities. A day later, President Erika Alldarkjib declares her decision as "final but not certain" and "withdrawn (tarik balik)."

President Rose Erica Alldarkjib (and her very cross dressing, skirt wearing and $100 million consultants besotted Pesident husband), Mark Kerissuckerburger and Eduardo Tim Rice flee to Dubai Shopping Mall screaming like an Arnold Schwareznegger Virus - Hasta La Vista, baby! We'll be back! 

Once in a long while, a rose just stinks to high heaven and becomes a huge unvoted for thorny problem to the nation!

donplaypuks® with the Internet and democracy, man!