by plain writing & speaking, Donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for gobbledygook affairs
At a time where prime ministers seek to deceive and steal from their fellow citizens to launch their own empires and dynasties, the art of simple and plain writing and speaking is fast dying. A government of thieves, looters and plunderers employs PR specialists and spindoctors costing no small fortune to basically, er.....lie to, WE THE PEOPLE.
Here are some classic examples on the art of jiggery pokery from the UK TV series 'Yes, Minister!:
Sir Humphrey Appleby: It's clear that the Committee has agreed that your new policy is really an excellent plan. But in view of some of the doubts being expressed, may I propose that I recall that after careful consideration, the considered view of the Committee was that, while they considered that the proposal met with broad approval in principle, that some of the principles were sufficiently fundamental in principle, and some of the considerations so complex and finely balanced in practice that in principle it was proposed that the sensible and prudent practice would be to submit the proposal for more detailed consideration, laying stress on the essential continuity of the new proposal with existing principles, the principle of the principal arguments which the proposal proposes and propounds for their approval. In principle.
Translation: We will implement the Minister’s policy over our dead bodies!
Sir Humphrey Appleby: The identity of the official whose alleged responsibility for this hypothetical oversight has been the subject of recent discussion is not shrouded in quite such impenetrable obscurity as certain previous disclosures may have led you to assume, but, not to put too fine a point on it, the individual in question is, it may surprise you to learn, one whom your present interlocutor is in the habit of defining by means of the perpendicular pronoun.
Translation: It was me.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Yes, yes, yes, I do see that there is a real dilemma here. In that, while it has been government policy to regard policy as a responsibility of Ministers and administration as a responsibility of Officials, the questions of administrative policy can cause confusion between the policy of administration and the administration of policy, especially when responsibility for the administration of the policy of administration conflicts, or overlaps with, responsibility for the policy of the administration of policy.Translation: We blame the Minister 100%.
And here is more gobbledygook from Air Asia and others:
Air Asia: The fee was introduced to ensure that guests are provided with a comfortable and safe booking environment.
Translation: Whether you like it or not, we will charge you a fee for using your credit card to pay for online ticket bookings.
Coca Cola: To outsource some aspects of our finance transactional processing activities we will be transitioning certain transactional activities. There will be two primary impacts to your organisation... does not impact your current terms... aiming to minimise any disruption to our business, and we expect our performance levels to stabilise soon after the transition period.
Translation: We are re changing our payment arrangements. Here’s how it affects you.
Sears: We require a Facilities Maintenance Leader who would be responsible for the efficiency of the physical building and equipment in order to support the achievement of sales and profit goals for the unit.
Translation: We have an opening for an office cleaner.
Insurance Company Manual: Principle 4: IIF begins with a conversation for possibility… In the domain of safety, we have found people often do not distinguish between the conversations for possibility and conversations for probability, two vastly different conversations that produce vastly different results. Conversations for probability are common in organisational life, and they help predict the future based on what has occurred in the past. Conversations for possibility are much less common and they help us create futures that we could not have predicted from the past, something ‘making the impossible possible’. The language of probability owns the mind and the language of possibility owns the heart; once the heart has embraced what is possible, the mind will never see things the same again.”
Translation: We know the building probably won’t catch fire, but it might, and you should prepare for it.
American Airlines: Property Irregularity Receipt.
Translation: We lost your luggage.
US Internal Revenue Service tax form: W-8BEN Certificate of Foreign status of beneficial owner for United States Tax Withholding Hybrid entity – a hybrid entity is any person (other than an individual) that is treated as fiscally transparent in the US...Reverse hybrid entity – a reverse hybrid entity is any person (other than an individual) that is not fiscally transparent under US tax law principles...Fiscally transparent entity...Disregarded entity...
Translation: To quote the writer Bill Bryson: “In the space marked ‘Tax Due’, write a very large figure.”
Balaclava Public School letter to parents:
The Grade 7 Science classes are nearing the completion for the unit Pure Substances and Mixtures. In this unit, students have been introduced to the Particle Theory of Matter, and to some of the terminology related to the field of chemistry. They have also been given the opportunity to explore, and conduct experiments related to the properties of solutions and mechanical mixtures.
At this time all students are encouraged to discuss with you the content and expectations of the culminating task along with how it will be assessed. This culminating task allows students to demonstrate the knowledge and skills that he/she has learnt throughout the module. Although students are responsible to independently complete this task, we would very much appreciate your assistance for the experimenting component, as students require access to a kitchen and some ingredients to develop their own mixture.
Thank you in advance for your interest and co-operation.
Translation: Your children are going to be making iced cupcakes in your kitchen.
US Navy: We paid $2,043 a piece for ‘Hexiform rotatable surface compression units’ and $214 a piece for ‘Emergency Exit Lights’.
Translation: We bought steel nuts and flashlights at corruptly inflated prices.
US government: The funding was for research into enhanced radiation devices.
Translation: Making the neutron bomb!
CIA: Money may have been appropriated for unlawful deprivation of life and servicing related targets.Translation: Budget for contract killing and killing the enemy.
SOME FANCY JOB TITLES TO FURTHER CONFUSE US:
Nocturnal Pest Control, Environment and Health Protection Officer – Rat catcher
Beverage Dissemination Officer – Barman
Coin Facilitation Accountant – Toll Booth Collector
Colour Distribution Technician – Painter & Decorator
Coordinator of interpretive teaching – Museum tour guide
Customer Experience Enhancement Consultant – Shop Assistant
Debt management officer / Field-force agent – Tax collector
Direct debit and membership and professional development stock and credit administrator – Customer services administrator.
Domestic Technician – Housewife
Education Centre Nourishment Consultant – Dinner Lady
Education Centre Nourishment Consultant – School Lunch Server
Family protection consultant – Insurance telesales worker
Field Nourishment Consultant – Waitress
Five a Day Collection Operative – Fruit Picker
Front Line Customer Support Facilitator – Call Centre Worker
Gastronomical Hygiene Technician – Dish washer
Highway Environmental Hygienist – Road Sweeper
Information adviser – Librarian
Investment Development and Technical Research Executive – Helpdesk worker
Mass Production Technician – Factory Worker
Media Distribution Officer – Paperboy
Mobile Sustenance Facilitator – Burger Van Worker
Mortar Logistics Engineer – Labourer
Nocturnal Attitude Adjustment Technician - Nightclub Doorman
Petroleum Transfer Engineer – Petrol Attendant
Recycling Operative – Rubbish collector
Sanitation Consultant – Toilet Cleaner
Transparency Enhancement Facilitator – Window Cleaner
Vehicle Restoration Engineer – Panel Beater
Waste management and disposal technician – Rubbish collectorWet Leisure Assistant – Lifeguard
Donplaypuks® with doublespeak, corporatespeak, gobbledygook and spindoctoring!
Posted by Donplaypuks® at 09:03