NEP POWER PLAY BY JEDI MASTER PLANNER

by zeus thomas edison,
donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for watts, volts and thunderbolts affairs









or the art of the directly negotiated non-tendered out EMU contract - PART 1

ONE FINE SATURDAY MORNING AT 11 A.M. AT 4TH FLOOR HQ OF NEW ELECTRIC POWER (NEP) CORP IN PUTRAJAYA

Present:
Sir Wigneswaran Vetrichicken65varuval A/L P.Kottai (affectionately known as ‘Wigs’) in- charge Jedi Master Planner of The Realm for Engineering and Leader of Kesatuan Alam Liga India Neopolitik Ganga Arya (KALINGA)
Sir Ahmad Kilau, Chairman NEP
Latok Yaya Awan, Chief Executive Officer NEP
Latok Amat Guruh, Chief Operating Officer NEP
Latok Li G.H.T. Ning, Financial Controller NEP
LatoK Min Saram Iddyappam, Director NEP
Mustaffahellavalot, Independent Director NEP
Latin 'Kak' Jamaliah Api, Secretary NEP
Latok R.Stamp Chop , Chief Engineer & Chairman Tender Committee NEP
Tender Committee comprising several highly qualified engineers of many years service and standing with NEP

Sir Kilau Good morning, Sir Jedi Master Planner of the Realm, gentlemen and lady. Let’s get straight away to the business at hand, that is, the award of the contract for Electrification of Bandar Gelap (EBG, i.e. Dark Town) New Settlement. I am glad to say that after many months of evaluation and deliberation, we are now ready to announce the award of the contract in accordance with normal tender procedures.

Wigs They should be re-naming yit Bandar Terang (Bright Town), after this yavard, don you wall think? Ha, ha, joking vonly brothers!

Sir Kilau I will now pass the floor to Latok R.Stamp Chop, Chairman of the Tender Committee, to make the announcement and relevant justifications.

Wigs Just a sec Sir Kilau, I yave a yimporten yannouncemen to be making. I yettended a yearly yeight yay yem Saturday morning surprise nasi lemak, roti chanai and teh tarik Woo…ahem…den…ahem.. Cabi.. ahem.. (cough cough)..net meeting at Shangorilla Otel. Vell, the vatts and volts (you are allowed to laugh at my vitticism) of the meeting yis the Pre….. (cough cough) ahem..ier and the.. Woo..(cough cough) den.. Cabi…ahem.. (cough cough)..net yave decided that the EBG contract should be yavarded to Syarikat Usaha Chepat Kaya Shaitan (SUCKS) for 1.5 billion killer-vatts. So, ve are not needing to go yinto the deliberations and decision of the tenderr kamittee. You vill be getting the necessary authorization from the EMU,(EconomicMsplanningUnit@gov.con ).

Sir Kilau Just one second Master, with all due respect, SUCKS wasn’t even pre-qualified for this contract. They have no previous experience whatsoever with this kind of job, let alone for a scope-of-works of this size. The only job they had ever done for us before this was supplying a few hundred bulbs for our office.

Wigs That’s ok Sir Kilau. I penuh penuh satu ratus peratus sokong (one hundred percent fully support) the Pre…ahem..(cough cough)..ahem..ier’s and Woo…ahem…den… ahem.. Cabi..ahem..(cough cough)..net’s and the EMU's decision. So, ve kannot be going yagainst yit.

Sir Kilau What about transparency and all that. How will I explain to all the PLC’s, really big boys, who have all tendered for the project?

Wigs Vat you are vorrying yabout? You von’t yave to yexplain yennything. SUCKS vill yimmediately sub-contract to RoadMudaGameOverDisunitedYengineers PLC for 750 million killer-vatts. So, RoadMuda vill yexecute the job from yay to yeZ, understood?

Sir Kilau Amazing, Master! How did you know we were going to recommend RoadMuda as the best tender?

Wigs I yave my sources, eh, Mus? Lottov sauce, ha, ha!

Sir Kilau Well, if it is a Pre… (cough cough)..ahem …ier/ Woo…ahem…den… ahem..Cabi (cough cough)…net / EMU decision, I guess I have no choice but to concede and accede. When we will get the authorization from the EMU, signed by the Pre…(cough cough),..ahem….ier?

Wigs Soon, yin due course, yin the fullness of time, (cough, cough)....20 (cough,cough) 20 (cough, cough). But don be standing on ceremonies, let’s be fast tracking yit. You can be going yahead vith the lettter of yavard today to SUCKS, signing of yagreemen and yannouncemen to the Press, Monday. And, oh, yes, almost forgetting, the Woo…ahem…den… ahem..Cabi… ahem...(cough cough).. net has yolso decided to yavard a Consultancy Contract for 5% of the contract sum of 1.5 billion killer-vatts to Syarikat Handal Ambil Durian Yummy (SHADY) of Soonkayagaya Seaphut District.

Chief Engineer No.1 Ahem! Master, if I may ask with all due respect, our prelim-BQ shows that with more than adequate provision for unexpected cost escalation AND additional 5% provision for contingencies, NEP can do the job by itself for 300 million killer-watts. So, how do we justify 1.5 billion killer-watts? Who is SHADY and what exactly will SHADY be doing to justify the 5% consultancy contract? We have no record of such a company, never heard of it in all my 20-odd years with NEP.

Wigs Good qvestions. Vell done.Verry, verry, verry good qvestions, yin fact. But not so yin reality!!

I vill yanswer them privately to you, since no one yelse is yinterested, next veek. After you yave picked up your 24-hours transfer order on your vay out, from my office, and report for verk Monday as yeNEP’s new Yasia Pacific Chief Yexecutive Yenginner of Power Tools Sheds, yin Yeast Malaysia.

Beautiful place I hear, virgin beaches, millions of Filipina and Indonesians there, virgins and bitches, ha, ha! So, you and your wife yolso can yave two or yeven three maids for the price of von here. Damn tricky thing you know, safety of power tools. Verry responsible position, and timely promotion for you, but no pay rise, since kast of living yin the East is loverr than yere. Yenny more qvestions? Speak up. Don be shy. We are a very demokratic government, you know.

Sir Kilau Well, in that case the meeting is yimm…, er I mean, immediately adjourned.

Wigs And oh yes, von more things. Don be forgetting, wall today’s proceedings, deliberations and decisions are covered by OSIBISA - Official Secrets, Intelligence, Banking and Internal Security Act. So if you are not vanting to spend a few years in Central Low Tech Prison in Bamboozled River District at His Majesty’s yimmense pleasure, you know vat to keeping shut, I yope you know. Also, I repeat once more time, no surat layang (poison-pen letters) or I will yave to refer yit to Oso Corrup Association (OCA), I Raja Polis Omar 'Hasslemall' Sheriff, and AG Ganesh Tandoori Patel, for yaction, yinvestigation and yimmediate prosecution yagainst the perpetrators – of the surat layang.

Oh, yend please, please, don’t be clutterering up the Minutes with wall sorts of yirrelevant trivia. The Minutes need be vonly reflecting the yunanimous yapproval of the yavard of the yEBG contract to SUCKS for 1.50 billion killer-vatts by the yeNEP Board of Directors, based on the yunanimous recommendation of the yeNEP Tender Kammittee. Sir Kilau, please yensure paper-trail is tip-top, vokay?

Meeting yis NOW yadjourned. Bye.

donplaypuks® with open tender contracts man!!