AH LONG FROM BUKIT BERUNTONG ENTERPRISE SDN. BHD.

by don ah fatt cosa nostril, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for IMF and Word Bank affairs

(for example of ah long sevices check out "housewife: ah long played with my lingerie." click here )

(Click on pics for enlarged view).

ah long from bukit beruntong

ah long in action

AH LONG FROM BUKIT BERUNTONG ENTERPRISE *1

$$$!! You wan $10,000 Personal Loan$$$? More? Discover the road to financial freedom.
Easy! Call our Consultans NOW!! - 020 - 08-08-08. Any time oso can one. $$$!!
Very the attraction interest rates (negotiable).
$$$$ 1 Hour Approver
NO NEED - Glantee / Collaterror
NO NEED - Form J
NO NEED - Bank Stakemen
NO NEED - Deposik
NO NEED - Cledit Lisk Histoly
$$$From 3% per month. Terms & Conditions apply$$$
$$$
LICEN Finan Consultan
LICEN Moneylender*2
LICEN Cheque Echange
LICEN Finan Combany
LICEN Prawnbroker
LICEN horse head REPO and Debt Collector*2
(Unlicen fingerbrokers, bone re-setters, ear lobe adjustors, and oso funeral services by amerigo bonasera and enzo the baker)

*1 member of international institute of directors, managers, wills, trusts, executors and executioners

*2 affiliated to corleone g.sachs citistanleylynch aig international finance inc AND international extra secondary bank negara mamak havala moneylenders inc (highly recommended by aides to Ms.management.epu@extracon.extra.gov ministers, chief ministers and rosemajib (de facto pm) and her husband

Fill in form (must). Vely simper one, mah:

Loan Amount You Wan (RM)...................
Full Name (like IC)
Age
Sex
House address ( foto copy hand phone bill / electricity bill. got fence/alsatian dog/guard security?)
Job (gip last pay slip)
Malaysian IC / International Passport (foto copy)
Must gip 1 passport sai colour foto
Must gip 1 rai and 1 left thumb print

1. You live with (gip name/IC):
(a) Fadder/Mudder/bludder/sister
(b) Wife and chewdrens (gip wife office address, chewdren school, IC)
(c) Girlfren
(d) Man / Lady fren
(e) Boy fren
(f) Pet dog/cat/hamster/fish/pig

2. You have (gip detail):
(a) Bank Simpanan passbook
(b) ATM card
(c) Credit card
(d) Genting card

3. You have (gip detail):
(a) email
(b) Hand fone
(c) House fone
(d) Face Book

4. Reason Loan:
(a) Expan bizness
(b) Get married
(c) Deposik buy new house
(d) Deposik buy new car
(e) Setter mother/wife/chewdren medicur bill*1
(f) Setter plevious ah long loan (our balance transfer program)
(g) World Cup Football
(h) Buy 4D
(i) EPL
(j) Genting holiday
(k) Marina Bay Casinoresortopolis Singiapor holiday
(l) Sign up kung fu class*2
(m) KLSE casino investmen
(n) Setter credit card
(o) All above

*1 Have serious heart pobbum or serious medicur congdishen? DON apply!
*2 Signing up for kung fu class? DON apply!

5. What your all time favourite cinema filem:
(a) Godfather 1
(b) Predator 1
(c) Terminator 1
(d) All above

6. What your favourite scene from Godfather 1:
(a) Cut off horse head
(b) Shoot off Mo Green eyeballs
(c) Shoot Sonny Corleone dead with 200 bullets
(d) Poke Luca Brasi's ("sleep with the fish") back of hand with knife and strangle him
(e) Blow up Michael Corleone's car and wife
(f) Shoot off spaghetti and fettuccine
(g) All of above

7. Where can normali fine you after midnight:
(a) At home watching TV with fadder, mudder/wife/girlfren/boyfren/fren
(b) Bukit Bintang kalaoke
(c) Zouk / Beach disco
(d) Lolong Haji Taib
(e) Feng Thou techno music"ice" joint

8. Which our calling card you plefelence:

(a) Red paint

(b) Cow/dog/cat shit

(c) Pig's blood (muslim never mine, can send cow's head one)

9. You wan join our Frequent Borrower program?
(a) $1 interest, 1 poin.
(b) 10% off next loan interest
(c) 50% off medicur bills for prosthetics, broken bones and injuries at affiliated medicur clinics.
(d) Can redeem poins against current loan and new loan
(e) Join 'member get member' program for double poins.
(f) Can transfer poins to spouse and family borrowers.
(g) Can redeem poins at Las Vegas casino (our own slot machine, blacj jack and roulette casino in Jinjang, Cheras and Kepong) and KLSE casino.

10. How do you hear abourus:
(a) Ad on telephone pole
(b) Ad on junction traffic light
(c) Fren tell
(d) Ad on fren/relative forehead
(f) Smell of pig's blood from neighbour porch
(g) Smell of car burning in neighbour porch

I,...........(full name as per IC), IC No........(as per IC) of .........(house address) hereby certify that I am in good medical health, bad finan health and have read and understood all terms and conditions of my Ah Long From Bukit Beruntong Enterprise Loan Agreement, in particular:

"..highly beneficial and generous charity loan shall carry interest at xxx% per annum calculated on daily rest basis....interest rate for 1 month or shorter duration loan shall be at higher rates...late payment of loan shall attract additional hourly interest at xx% per day....all loan repayment shall be in cash....no prepayment or early settlement of loan dim sum....I am not a fren or relative of Michael Chong...".


.....................................................................................
(Borrower sign here)

......................................................................................

(Borrower thumbprints here)

................................................................................................
MR.AH LONG WONG MAH NEE aka SUM TING WONG
Managing Director

AH LONG FROM BUKIT BERUNTONG ENTERPRISE SDN. BHD.

NB
WARNING - False declaration your health can result in loss of health for relative/fren!
WARNING - Late payment interest/loan can result in loss of body part!
WARNING - Don try act funny run away without setter full loan, can happen loss of oxygen to brain one!
$$$

donplaypuks® with my loan repaymen, mah!

"I ACCUSE THE GOOD DR.M (J' ACCUSE REVISITED)"

by donplaypuks® at http://donplaypuks.blogspot.com

Today marks the 114th anniversary of the greatest newspaper article of all time - 'J'accuse' - written and published on 13th January 1898 by Emile Zola. As my homage to Zola and J'accuse, I reprise below my earlier blog post of 9 July 2010.

Alongside and before 'J'accuse' stands the American Declaration of Independence of 4th July 1776 with its electrifying 'We hold these truths to be self-evident.' This proclamation must rank as a sacred formulation of the fundamental rights of every human being and represents the pinnacle of human intellect in freeing us from a kind of mental slavery that certain men can command and rule us at their whims and fancies as if by divine right.

This reprisal is timely as it comes in the wake of Anwar Ibrahim's acquittal from sodomy charges, heralding a new brighter dawn for the nation.

Meanwhile 'the Good Dr.M' continues to sow the seeds of dissent and disunity while continuing to support the regime of a lying Prime Minister who propels us closer to a totalitarian state as the last strategy for his Party to cling on to power. 

Note too that Dr.Mahathir presides as paid "adviser" to the fast sinking Proton Holdings which for the umpteenth time has entered into discussions for either take over by or collaboration deals with successful foreign automotive giants while at the same time championing dodgy, cosy deals with local "auto czars" and "top Proton management." 

Of course, he is also paid "adviser" to Petronas which has embarked on farming out "marginal oilfield exploration rights" worth $billions to private companies. And who should be the primary beneficiary of these "direct negotiation" ventures? - surprise! surprise! it's none other than a consortium in which Dr.M's son has a major stake. Can anyone tell us what exactly is a "marginal oil field" that Pertonas is forsaking exploration of while Mirzan Mahathir and his partners, which includes foreign parties, are willing to sink in their own capital of US$400 million?

Everywhere we look, our treasured GLC's, like MAS, are falling over like tenpins. After announcing humongous operating losses, they are being patched up together by the same management teams which proudly announced after the previous restructuring (costing the Taxpayer tens of $billions) that it was the best ever and they had seen the "light at the end of the tunnel" and "turned the corner" after "leaving no stone unturned" in their search for viable solutions.

Previously, Dr.M, as long-standing "adviser", claimed he hadn't a clue about the fiasco in Proton writing off $560 million of its disastrous investment in motor-cycle manufacturer MV Augusta and selling it off for Euro 1. Consequently, Mahathir's handpicked MD for Proton, Tengku Mahaleel, was sacked. Mahathir again pleased "Que?" When Najib engineered the retirement of Petronas CEO Tan Sri Hassan Merican in order to ease in his dubious crony Omar Mustapha Ong (of Ethos Consulting fame) on to the Board of Directors, again it would appear, if it can be believed, Dr.Mahathir was not consulted??!!

One can only suppose that Dr.Mahathir, now wiser when even longer in the tooth, is taking an ever closer interest in the manoeuvrings going on in Proton and Petronas, which in turn is bound to be the harbinger of more Taxpayer $billion bailouts and economic rape of our "safe deposit" petroleum resources.

So,let's learn to recognise Mahathirism whenever and wherever we encounter it, and extinguish it from the face of the earth. 

9th July 2010


HEROES AND VILLAINS

The 112th anniversary of the publication of the most famous denouncement in the history of the world of a racist conspiracy quietly passed us by on 13th January. The French writer Emile Zola took on the might of the entire Government of France when he sounded that clarion call for justice in the L' Aurore newspaper in Paris on 13th January 1898.

'J’accuse’ or ‘I Accuse’ represents the triumph of human intellect, endeavour, strength and resolve over hopeless odds when faced with institutionalised government misbehaviour, thuggery and gangsterism.

I had recourse to ‘J’Accuse’ in an earlier blog in 2008 click here 

There are other epochal markers for human intellectual development like the 1776 ‘American Declaration of Independence’ with its doctrine of self- evident truths, that all men are created equal by their Creator with inalienable human rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness, and......especially that:

“Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the GOVERNED”.

Were you not inspired by Lincoln’s ‘Gettysburg Address’?:

“Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

.... that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain - that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom— and that a government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”

Or by Churchill’s war speeches as he stood alone against the onslaught of Hitler, The Third Reich, Gestapo, ‘blue eyed and blonde’ Aryan superiority racist Nazism hypothesis, Holocaust, Mussolini and Hirohito, fascism and an Axis of Evil:

“I would say to the House, as I said to those who have joined this Government: I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, sweat and tears......

....our policy is to wage war, by sea, land and air, with all our might and with all the strength that God can give us.....against a monstrous tyranny never surpassed in the dark, lamentable catalogue of human crime..... You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word: It is victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory, however long and hard the road may be.....

We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and even...armed and guarded....we would carry on the struggle, until, in God's good time, the New World, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old.”

Stirring words and actions such as these represent the uncanny arrival of the right men and women at the right time to lead, guide and inspire the world to safety. They feature prominently among the pinnacles of the advancement of human mind and ethics.

THE AWAKENING – 1 NATION, 3 SYSTEMS

When I first watched the black and white movie versions of 'The Life of Emile Zola' and 'The Dreyfus Affair' on Malaysian TV, I must have been 17 or so. The anti-Semitic aspect of the Dreyfus saga did not register much with me then though that was the central reason for the victimisation of Dreyfus, seen as a pushover by dark and dangerous elements in the admiralty of the French Navy. Most of my classmates and schoolmates, including me, were politically ignorant and naive even at a time when the Vietnam War was raging so close to home and the 1969 race riots, pretty much restricted to Malays and Chinese in Selangor, Ipoh and Penang following the general elections, changed our world! Back then, Kuala Lumpur was part of Selangor; it became the first Federal Territory on 1st February 1974.

But if today, anyone here were to say he is ignorant of the Israeli-Palestine conflict or the USA-Iran/Afghan War when Malaysians have justifiably sponsored and boarded flotillas heading for Gaza, and unjustifiably spawned local bomb makers and regional terrorists, that would be the height of ignorance or hypocrisy!

So, as in 1957 and 1969, Malaysia is once again at a crossroads. Now, we are faced with a right wing organisation, an NGO which claims to represent an “oppressed MAJORITY”! Now, isn’t that a little odd, if not an awful lot, given they are celebrating the 40th anniversary of the New Economic Policy (NEP)? More than that, the last 40 years has seen the almost complete domination at every level of Government, the Civil Service, Army, Navy and Air Force, Police, Judiciary, the administrative and teaching corps at Government owned schools, colleges and universities and Government Linked Companies (GLC's) such as Petronas, Sime Darby, MAS, Maybank and sports organisations, scouts movement and many others, by one group of Malaysians over any other.

Yet, they would have us believe, this has created an unprecedented level of insecurity among the majority that seemingly defies analysis. The NEP was formulated in 1970 to address the charge that indigenous Bumiputra majority in Malaysia only owned some 2% of the economy and to rectify the imbalance therein through affirmative action policies. It was meant to be terminated 20 years later, but never was by ex-Prime Minister Dr.Mahathir Mohamad (1981-2003) who summarily claimed its objectives had not been fully realised yet, though he never disclosed any independent statistics to support his fiat.

Some fifteen years later, a leading and highly respected PhD holding analyst and researcher with government resigned his post when his statement that Bumiputras had achieved 45% control of the economy was hotly disputed by then Deputy Prime Minister, Tun Najib Razak (now Prime Minister). It appears that equity valuations are still stated at original cost and not market values!

After 40 years of NEP, our government claims that the originally loosely stated Bumiputra target of 30% share of economy languishes at just under 20% and that of the 40% of the population classified as ‘poor’ by international yardsticks, Bumiputras constitute the majority!!

Whose fault is all that? Who is responsible for the gross abuse of the NEP to the extent that it only benefited a relatively few cronies, politicians, insiders, the elite and well-connected businessmen and corporate raiders to the tune of billions of dollars, while the masses ate cake? Who's exclusively been holding the reins of power since 1957? Who takes ownership for the endemic corruption and billion dollar financial scandals, the economic looting and plunder that continue to rock and quake the country?

This has led to vociferous demands amid much public hand wringing, breast beating and self-flagellation, prominently backed by Dr.Mahathir that Bumiputras who perhaps constitute some 60% of the populace, should by some law of inverted logic control and share in 67% of the national cake! The NGO leader and his acolytes aver they have a right to speak up and demand actions based on their view of right and wrong, on any and all issues involving or affecting Bumiputra rights; that they have “wide and enormous” support from the “indigenous heartland’ (wherever that may be).

Many suspect Dr.Mahathir is the real brain-child and power behind this NGO whose public leader gained a parliamentary seat standing as a candidate under the banner of Malaysia’s opposition religious party, PAS, then defected and now operates as an independent MP. Apparently his friendly overtures to the ruling party were roundly and pointedly, ignored!

Accusations have also been hurled against the ruling party that it has outsourced its extremist right wing elements and leanings to Dr.Mahathir and this new kid on the block NGO, thus killing two birds with one stone - appearing to be a moderate multi-racial consensus party AND portraying itself as the only party capable of dealing with overt chauvinism and extremism.

The stance and line of attack taken by Dr.Mahathir and this NGO is very, very clear:

1. The Ruling Party is no longer capable of protecting Bumiputra rights.

2. NEP should continue indefinitely until they and only they say, “enough”.

3. Their demands are backed by ‘Special Position’ clauses enshrined in the Federal Constitution.

4. The award of citizenship to immigrant populations in 1957 was a deliberate act of sabotage by the departing colonial British administration. That this somehow created what is in reality a 2nd class citizenship and a “Social Contract” whereby these immigrant citizens, their children and the children of their children ad infinitum will not question their government, ever, even if the Flames of Valhalla were to engulf them.

5. "Others" should not question anything pertaining to the NEP, its cost or who bears it in what proportion even if there is blatant abuse of it. (This implies the NEP exists only to rectify the economic imbalance among one group of Malaysians and not all, through affirmative action policies which are not defined).

6. Demands by other Malaysian citizens as to their Constitutional rights is not quite cricket, as by virtue of the (iffy) “Social Contract” they are 2nd class citizens!

7. That Opposition political parties such as multi-racial Democratic Action Party (DAP) (unlike the major component parties of the ruling Barisan National (BN) where memberships are by race) are anti-Bumiputra, anti-Islam, anti-Federal Constitution and anti-Monarchy (anti-Sultans). That DAP’s malevolent, treacherous and treasonous "secret" master plan/agenda is for the Chinese to re-colonise Malaysia with help from Lee Kuan Yew and Singapore to eventually turn it into a vassal and protectorate slave state of China. The woodwork is crawling with foreign spies out to wreck our nation!

8. If not, multi-racial opposition Parti Keadilan Rakyat (PKR) or People's Justice Party, is anti-Monarchy, pro-Israel and Pro-Zionists. It will turn Malaysia into a Republic and the 51st state of the USA, which, being ruled by proxy by Israel (as revealed so swimmingly by none other than Dr.Mahathir), shall surely result in Malaysia eventually being controlled by the Jews and their Diaspora!

J'ACCUSE III

Now we can clearly see in all its glorious nakedness the intentions of Dr.Mahathir, the new NGO, the ruling party and its MSM in the incessant demonising of DAP, PKR and its leaders. Attack is the best form of defence and when in doubt, play the man, not the ball (my tribute to World Cup Football)! Nazi Joseph's Goebbels' "A big lie when repeated often enough eventually will be accepted as the truth” has become fashionable political strategy. Ooh, you are about to be re-colonised and made 2nd class citizens in your own land by the minority and their foreign imperialistic allies! Boo, beware, or else your children will only be fit to be gardeners, chauffeurs, taxi and bus drivers, office and messenger boys, coolies and keranis (clerks)!

That it should fall to a non-entity, the little guy, the nobody, the small time blogger to sound the nation and the world, raise the cudgel and hopefully strike a blow for reason, freedom, truth and justice to prevail is a little worrying. All these people whom I revere and whose names I have sprinkled about as though I can claim a right to be associated with them - Washington, Lincoln, Churchill and Zola, oh Emile Zola, I ask for their forgiveness.

I am once again drawn to the 1776 ‘American Declaration of Independence’:

“..That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organising its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness......

But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security.”

And so let me begin:

J'Accuse Dr. Mahathir Mohamad of indulging and engaging in demagoguery, of playing to the gallery and playing with fire to drive a wedge and divide Malaysians, pitting race against race, by promoting envy and jealousy.

J'Accuse Dr. Mahathir Mohamad of scaremongering tactics, of and posturing like Enoch Powell who once scurrilously tried to frighten Britain citizens about being swamped by coloured immigrants and of “rivers of blood”! All this to mislead our people into thinking the ruling party is ordained (by divine right) to govern in perpetuity and there are no alternatives regardless of its excesses!

Let us be very clear. The majority of Bumiputras voting for the Opposition does not constitute loss of political power or control for the Bumiputras. It may be fatal for the incumbent ruling party, but that is not equivalent to a fate worse than death for the Bumiputras. No sirree, not by a long, long way! You see, you need the "consent of the GOVERNED". If you don't have it, you should know where the door is! The Governed today are not the uninformed naive lot that might once have been quietly bled to death by increasingly subtle ponzi and cunning Bernie Madhoff and Goldman Sachs mafia-style rabid conscienceless capitalist schemes!

J'Accuse Dr.Mahathir Mohamad of hypocrisy in ranting about a future government that MIGHT open the floodgates of immigration and reduce the Bumiputras to minorities in their own native land. There is also something quite amiss, something not quite right when Dr.Mahathir is himself actually the son of either 1st or 2nd generation immigrants from Kerala in India. Dr.Mahathir was the presiding prime minister when identity cards were issued by civil servants to illegal immigrants in Sabah attempting to re-engineer the population mix there. It was he who opened the doors to foreign labour and maids and then offered amnesty to a million illegal immigrant workers. Today, it is conservatively estimated that there are about a million illegal immigrants each in peninsular Malaysia, and Sarawak and Sabah.

J'Accuse Dr. Mahathir Mohamad of doing this deliberately and not caring a jot as to the consequences of such actions. In a tinder-dry atmosphere of his creation, when embraced by immature minds and opportunist politicians, such irresponsible utterances, writings and actions can prove to be the flash point for conflagration as in 1969! The highly intelligent Dr.Mahathir is not aware of it? Only too well, I suspect!

J'Accuse our successive governments of allowing the separate arms of a democratic state to deteriorate and be compromised as to their honesty and integrity to the greatest detriment of its people. Corruption and economic looting have been permitted to flourish and their perpetrators, to enjoy the fruits of their ill-begotten gains and escape scot-free!

J'Accuse our government of selective prosecution and double standards. Thus, an opposition MP is prosecuted under sedition laws for merely making a factually correct statement that a Sultan can be sued by law. Reporters and opposition politicians are bafflingly arrested and sequestered under the Internal Security Act (ISA) "for their own safety" based on unfounded rumours about an insult to Islam traceable to a blog posting by a ruling party MP and ex- State Chief Minister. Pro-government newspapers blow the conch for unreserved retaliation without verifying an iota of fact! A cartoonist, because his drawings are seen as anti-Government, has his books confiscated and banned under the repressive 1984 Printing Presses and Publication Act (PPPA) promulgated by Dr.Mahathir.

On the other hand, a government MP is let off with a slap on the wrist for referring to some citizens as immigrants, most of whom are 2nd and 3rd generation citizens or older! As too occurred with the prime minister defending his political aide who was forced to apologise and resign amidst public furore and outrage over a racist speech rant that the mothers of Chinese immigrants came to Malaysia as prostitutes to sell their bodies, and Indians as beggars! Really, PM Najib, do you honestly believe the words that came out of your own mouth that your ex-aide had not referred to “local Chinese and Indians”? He was referring to foreign Chinese and Indians who never set foot on our shores? Really? Then, my grandfather was a Caucasian named Ghandhi Mao!

And insulting foreign Chinese and Indians is acceptable behaviour? It is not blatant racism deserving outright condemnation and possibly, prison sentence for the "orator"?

J'Accuse!

HOPE

You cling to power, fame, the dismal dregs, trappings and illusion of money, property, wealth and a place in the history books.

I am not judging expecting perfection from you. The Lord alone knows my own weaknesses and pathetic failures.

I demand fair play. I demand justice prevails. That’s all.

And I say all this with great fear. I am no hero. I “know” no one. If they come after me in the wee hours of the morning because that’s what they have learnt from Stalin and Hitler and Idi Amin, Bokassa, Saddam and the Taliban about how to treat their fellow citizens, I shall go quietly and gently in their Black Maria and say nothing. I shall not give the enforcers any statements or the time of the day. I shall not give in to pain!

I have said what I meant to.

My inalienable right to say it is indisputable.

I have the weight of history in my favour and (I hope) God on my side!

donplaypuks®

we are all of 1 race, the Human Race,

we shall all unite around that indisputable truth!

20,000 LEAGUES FOR THE DAMN OSCARS!

by chichakman pontianak spielsramliburger, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for d movies and d arts affairs

(CLICK ON PICS FOR ENLARGED VIEW)

The year is only six months gone. Yet the amount of material that has surfaced for books and movies has reached a phenomenal all-time world record high in 1Nation, 3 Systerns (systems + cisterns) Bolihland.

Here’s a slection of 5 stories that could easily be vieing for the little known DAMN (donplaypuks® Academy of Movie News) organization which was set up in 2009 to recognize excellence of professionals in the local film industry, including directors, actors, actresses and writers with an annual award of DAMN Oscars.

To recap on the DAMN Oscars, click click here

“The formal ceremony at which the 2011 DAMN Oscars awards will be presented shall be held at the open-air Gong Badak World Class Stadium in KT and televised globally. It is expected to be one of the most prominent award ceremonies in the world, attracting film stars, producers and glitterati from Hollywood, Bollywood, Kollywood and Honkytonkywood, overshadowing other international award ceremonies such as the Hollywood Oscars, Hammy (best ham actor), Emmy, Grammy (best grandmother story), Bafta, Tony (Tony Roma, best Steaks), Cannes (best tin cans), Bata (best school shoes), Buntutsan Awards (best bad- ass racist journo) and the like.”

1. 20,000 LEAGUES ABOVE THE OCEAN 

A totally fictitious account of the world’s first $4 billion ($2.5b+30% ali baba+$540m+ 270m+$1.2b miss-iles+$1b rounding up) sampan class scorepenis submarine (retractable protoscoped periscope with DNA ID function and manufactured reports optional). It never sinks, but is nevertheless fully operational, armed with $1.2 million each guided exocet missiles to patrol our coasts to stop illegal Indon immigration and “wolves in the woods” from subverting national security!!

2. 20,000 LEAGUES ACROSS THE OCEAN WITHOUT ENGINES, WINGS AND PLANES

A totally fictional fairytale cartoon account of $50 million jet engines that can fly without a plane, and $200 million planes that can fly without engines and wings. Certified valid and ratified at Uruguay Round Talks on (extinct) GATT.  

Attorney General Ganesh Patel charges a 3^rd class Indian airforce private and a private sector entrepreneur kachang puteh (peanut) seller with theft and treason.

The services of 15 Airforce generals and top brass are terminated at the same time without compensation, which AG Ganesh Patel clarifies is a totally isolated and unrelated incident.

 3. 20,000 LEAGUES ACROSS AFGHAN MOUNTAINS, VALLEYS & PLAINS

A totally fictitious noir story of a $ 8 billion ($5b+30% ali baba+10% service charge+5%+$1b rounding up) contract awarded to a car AP (Approved Permit) pedlar for designing, manufacturing, testing and commissioning (+30%+10%+5%) state-of-theatre light armoured tanks for UN (UMNO New) sponsored Afgham monitoring (war games) missions.

$77 million paid spokesmen for Defence Minister Al Kayder Zawahri, reveal to a startled nation that there’s absolutely no rumour to the truth that defence forces had been infiltrated or national security compromised, by Al Qaeda terrorist spies.

4. 20,000 LEAGUES OVER KEPO SAYANG CRACKO CROOKED BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATERS

Based on a childrens’ nursery rhyme, this cartoon fable is about a once crooked apanama acerbic great pharoah who walked a crooked mile. He found himself in a crooked dilemma and so gave a non-tendered/direct nego contract to a croney to build a $3 billion crooked bridge. The project was subsequently aborted with compensation of $700 million paid to the croney. Then they spent it all and so demanded as of birthright Version 2.0 of an even more crooked bridge at twice the crooked cost+30%+5%+10% excluding state royalty or $5 billion with VO's, whichever is the greater.

great pharoah dismisses criticisms that it's a thinly disguised monomaniacal attempt to reclaim lost land, lost waters and lost sand as a sovereign right and start World War 3 at any cost (+10%+1/3x60%+GST+full compensation rights for suspended works and War Tribunal Costs). 

“How could that be?” protesteths great pharoah, "Think carefully now. My ancestors are from Kerala, India. We believe in prosper thy neighbour (to bankruptcy) policies!”  

5. 20,000 LEAGUES THROUGH SIVER STATE FOR CASINO ROYALE

A betting man's heart wrenching, endlessly twisting made-for-Escot Satellite TV thriller fiction movie about the 20-year journey of a Kroney Korpo Rat Kepten Tycoon, Vincy Baby, who travels 20,000 leagues all over Ipoh and Perak and finally secures a free licence to print money for his Successful Group of public listed companies(SG Plc).
 
The government of the Rosemajibs, comprising below King & Queen status 1^st lady de facto PM who wears the pants and her husband, approve in writing but not award, a state-of-the-art money printing machine licence in the form of a Letter of Intent (LOI) to SG Plc. The award is “certain but still under con-sideration”. The Korpo Rat Kepten, as a sign of corpulent social responsibility (CSR) pledges to “donate” $575 million (to himself) for worthy causes, to be disbursed by one Deepackemin Rosemah and her mustachioed husband, Mumtaz Taj Mahal Jahat!

Initial costings were brilliantly budgeted at $zero. But soon an ali baba roti chanai cum “global” rice trader, Said Ideal, “buys” 30% into the project planned to be housed in in a $400 million palatial building dubbed ‘Casino Royale.’ $400 milion +30%+30%+ road and flyover works to Monaco soars to over $800 million excluding pure gold for taps and faucets, cheap furniture from NY, London and Paris, Italan marble and World Class (WC) works of art!

Then the Rosemajibs reveal a surprise Govt audit had exposed  shockingly fraudulent accounting by SG plc and Said Ideal. The SC (Secured Crooks) invites several financial reporters and their lawyers for cold tea, cold turkey sandwiches and cold unbuttered and strawberried scones.

The Casino Royale LOI is duly "withdrawn under con-sideration??!!" SG Plc’s Kroney Korpo Rat Kepten and Said Ideal are last seen wandering around Pudu Jail and the banks of Bamboo River and Iron River!! 

The half completed Casino Royale palatial building is re-designated a UN (UMNO New) sanctioned cultural centre with a con-pletion budget of an additional measly $2 billion with unforeseeable VO add-ons. 

The movie ends with the memorable lines,"Frankly my dear, I don't give a DAMN, Oscars or not. After all it's not a karaoke joint or fuckshop for a Chinese contractor is it??!! We deserve World Class (WC) Arab-domed ones, don't we?" from the perennially foot-in-mouth disease suffering Minister for The Arts, Culture, Media and Law, Tim Rice Anak Yatim Nazi!!

Do write in with your own movie suggestions for the 2011 DAMN Oscars!

donplaypuks® with our movies, man!

OF NATIONAL SERVICE, KORPO TIKUS KEPTENS and RUBBING PUSSIES! – to be read in conjunction with ‘donplaypuks® Havoxbridge International Dictionary of Manglish”

or starry, starry night!

by tom feline of malaysiasoros@kininsider.con, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for pussy affairs 

Two men sat down ashen faced at their writing tables in their separate palatial offices as they stared at the letters they had just received and opened.

One was a Korpo Tikus Kepten and the other an acerbic apanama octogenarian, Rama Maha Firaun the First aka Pak Tak Bajet.

Their shock was somewhat mitigated by the fact that the envelopes still bore the standard 30 cent stamp as opposed to the new 100% increased 60 cent ones effective 1st July. Of course PM Rosemajib’s 1M’sia ‘Heads I Win, Tails You Lose’ policy meant that the suckee and hittee to make up for Pos Tak Laju’s (Snail Mail) $500 million write off in its investment in fraudulent Transmiremishmarshed Corp Plc  was, and no prizes for guessing right - THE PEOPLE!! Ra, Ra, Ra!!!

Tan Sir LingamLingam, or DD (double dickhead as he was affectionately known in the kottai sri lankan circles, not Dare Devil) had been called up for National Service (NS). Surely, it was a mistake? Surely that fake and fraudulent con job NS was for school leavers and not for Korpo Tikus Keptens suffering from foot-in-mouth disease?

But this was NS of another kind. Tan Sir LingamLingam aka Double Dickhead was so incensed his face turned Thaipusam purple.

“How dare the Rosemajibs take this kind of blatant liberties? Who do they think they are? Who do they think I am? I kthin, therefore I sexist! What do they know about logic or philosophy or  honour, ethics, principles, duty and loyalty to one’s people?

I’m no sucker to do NS for a mere $10 million flip-over profit of Mykaka shares. After all Wigs and his son hit Mykaka for a cool $100 million which is my minimum going rate!!” fumed an outraged DD.

Ring! Ring!Ring!

“Hellow, who dat?”

“Rosemajib and his cat, C4.”

“Which one and what happened to C 1, 2 and 3?”

“The kind that has fur, purrs, says miaow and chases and swallows whole Korpo Rat Keptens for NS and donations!”

“Idiot! Is this the Rosemajib who wears the pants?”

“Idiot! We both wear pants!!”

“Fool! Your voices sound the same. Lower than Permaisuri first lady status Rosemajib or is it the Port Dickson Rosemajib?”

“PD!”

“Oh, sorry. Now I’m standing to attention, Sir!! Wazzup?”

“You got my letter, DD?”

“Yes Tuan, but I no can do NS!”

“What do you want? I am now the Sith Jedi Master Planner of the Realm. Can you help me? Can we we do a deal? Gua tolong lu, lu tolong gua! You scratch my back, I’ll have you massaged in any 3-way reflexcoxolgy spa anywhere in the world. Got the message?”

“Oh, if you put it that way, I have a $100 million itch where the sun don't shine.”

“Agreed! A Bank of Israel cheque for $101 million will be signed Monday and hand delivered to you by my personal couriers Safar, Safri, Norhayati and Buyong (not Pos Laju) Wednesday morning. Don try and cash it locally will you? Take a flight to Tel Aviv. Understood?”

“Ya wohl, mein Fuehrer!”

‘Oh, shut up you oily creep!”

And thus a famous National Service contract hit deal was negotiated directly as the wily amoral principals and master and servant crapped on the heads of you tired, you poor, huddled and wretched masses as you yearned to breathe free and head for safe shores! 

The Rosemajibs ticked off another national headache from their ‘Urgent To Do’ List.

Elsewhere, a tired, sick and frustrated lonely old Indian Muslim doctor nearly choked on his favourite loaf of japanese raisin bread. His sex life sure could do with some raisin’ from the dead! He gaped with open mouth at the letter that had landed on his $1 million certified authentic (by Chrysty’s of Petaling Street) Queen Anne desk in his palatial offices on the 85th floor of the Suria Twin Towers.

You could, on a clear day when not blocked and beset by swirling clouds in violet haze, see from the over-sized windows of this opulent office on which no expense was spared, the vaults of the Bank of Israel in Singapore and possibly, even Tel Aviv or Buenos Aires!

So, Rama Maha Firaun the 1st aka Pak Tak Bajet, ex-Sith Jedi Master Planner of the Realm decided to make a call.

Ring! Ring! Ring!

“Is that Rosemajib?”

“Which Rosemajib do you wish to speak to”

“The one wearing pants and having a pussy!”

“We both wear pants, but I don’t have a pussy!”

“Ah, then I want the one who doesn’t sell carpets or sing karaoke off key all the time! The one having a cat!”

“Ah, that’ll be me then.”

“Ah yes, the $7.3 billion 2^nd hand scorepenis submarine seller! Listen up! We only have 1/3 of the Malay votes. What do you have to say to that?”

“Brilliant! That’s 1/3 more than I have! And besides, you yourself are an accomplished 2nd hand car salesman, aren't you with that copy cat ElectronNuetron Motors? Would your own wife trust and buy a brand new car from you, never mind a 2nd hand one?”

“Nincompoop! Never answer a question with another question! At this rate, you will lose the next General Elections for us!”

“US? Aren’t you responsible for the whole mess? But don worry, I have my trump card. My ace up the sleeve as it were.”

‘You’ll have the Rakyat’s boot up your pussy’s and your rear end if you fool yourself into believing your own $77 million paid APCO advertorials in Jewish and the Satan’s (USA) newspapers, and for spindoctored 72% popularity “public opinion polls.” Did you hear me, you’ll be history at the next GE!!”

“I wouldn’t bet on it. Remember WE, and I mean WE, have a shared destiny with starry, starry night?”

“What’s Van Gogh got to do with it?”

“Listen you old c..t, er no, codger, I meant China blue eyes Vincent, OUR Vincent – Ladbrokes, turf accountants, football pools, Lionel Messi, FIFA World Cup betting...get the drift?”

“Ah, now I geddit the drift! Of course, how silly of me to forget. But the cheating ‘hand of god’ Maradona and 'hand job' Thierry Henri are more my heroes. And what's in it for me when the $2 billion betting licence is awarded 'free' to Vincy Van Gogh by no open tender direct nego? Can my son be.....”

“Water boy? Of course! Done!”

“Wtf are you talking about, fat boy lard-de-do trained economist?”

“Jokin onny! Non-exec non-sackable onerous Chairmanship with salary of $2 million plus six months guaranteed bonus payable in advance, stock options, latest Merc limo with driver, corpo rat cheese and jet, penthouse office, bungalow house in Tamanbangtunkennydamanshires...the sky’s the limit? Done!”

“Oh, and pension for life, 1st class air travel and accommodations, medical insurance, 2 months paid leave with free overseas holiday to belly-dancing Morocco.....?”

“You do strike a hard social contract, old man. Done! Lu tolong gua, gua tolong lu (You rub my pussy, I’ll rub yours).”

“Ah, now I understand what you tried to say to me. And how you sufffered for your sanity. How you tried to set them free from roti jala bankruptcy. They would not listen, they did not know how. Perhaps they never will! This world was never meant for one as beautiful as Aminah Altant...oops, can’t say that. 

And I’ll tell KKK Abraham  Ali Baba and Perkosong to...”

“Go fly Kelantan kites...after all Vincy baby has him in his pocket! And do take time to smell the daffodils.”

donplaypuks® with our korpo rat keptens, man!!

“For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.” Wordsworth.

Extracts from ‘donplaypuks® Havoxbridge International Dictionary of Manglish’:

Apanama – an affectionate public reference to Rama Maha Firaun The First

Acerbic – an affectionate public reference to Rama Maha Firaun The First

Dickhead – a person born with his genitals where his brains ought to be

Double Dickhead – a person born with his genitals hanging out of his brains minus the bollocks, and does not know it’s hanging there

Bajet – a Klingon word coined by Rama Maha Firaun the First aka Pak Tak Bajet meaning:

 a licence for Govt to spend without accounatbility or transparency. Etymology of bajet – ‘baja’ from malay for fertilizer, et – extra-terrestrial, hence ‘bajet’ also referred to commonly as Legalised Govt Horse Manure Fraudulent Spending Shit!

Korpo Tikus Kepten – Corpo Rat Captain meaning:

a croney controlling fraudtrepreneur shareholder and CEO of a monopolistic money laundering pubic listed company fronting for a political party

Pak Tak Bajet - an affectionate public reference to Rama Maha Firaun The First

Rama Maha Firaun The First – an apanama acerbic Octogenarian retired ex-Sith Jedi Master Planner of the Realm who was famous for not budgeting and for regularly and consistently breaking the kitty

Social Contract – a local contract which adheres to the time honoured principle of ‘heads I win, tails you lose and either way you pay all the taxes since you are all immigrants while we are your lords and masters.’

Wigs – an affectionate public reference to Sir Wigneswaran Vetrichicken65varuvalvelu A/L P.Kottai, in-charge Sith Jedi Master Planner of The Realm for the Works and leader of Kesatuan Alam Liga India Neopolitik Ganga Arya (KALINGA), who 100% knows all the bald facts.

PEOPLE TESTING LAB (BUTCHER HOUSE) IN PARAMESWARA STATE! RUN FOR THE HILLS OR LONDON!

by macaque macaca malaka, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for charnel parfume and lipsticks


Shere Can 1, of the turkish variant constitutional species of panthera tigris jacksoni or the Malayan Tiger of 13 stripes and the old Lord Towering Glocal of the fetid and fecund jungle of Parameswara State majestically positioned himself in the tight cockpit with his mate as he broke wind in confined space. 

He cleared his throat deeply as he peered through the rose tinted kristal clear state-of-the-art halal Zeiss protoscoped periscoped lenses of his brand new $35 million France-Tigris (FT) light manoeuvrable armored tank. It was impenetrable, even with liberal gobs of KY Jelly lining, to any handheld shoulder launched RPG (rocket-propelled grenade) anti-tank shell and even laser guided missile. Or so, the manufacturer claimed, but no one knew its true capabilities since it had never been tested in any war. And the Tigris Govt, with record national debts of $362 billion rising at 12% per annum compounded could not afford to sacrifice even one in live ammo tests, though iPadPod Avatar-like touchy-feely computer simulations showed brilliant results.

The USA Sherman tank-like prototype effort, like the cutaway picture above, one of 231 in a $8 billion France-Tigris collaborators' contract, had been meant for UN observation duty in Afghanistan. But due to a slight manufacturing defect, it came in with the tank graffiti paint-sprayed in phosphorent yellow with "I'M WITH STUPID" in block letters, welded at its base to bricks, it's dual kerosene/petrol fuel driven engine and caterpillar treads missing on both sides and at double the standard weight specifications. It was immediately hailed a national success with six month's bonus paid to each of the management and assembly-line staff engaged on the project!!

There were no rumours to the truth that the missing highly OSA/ISA classified dual fuel system, engines and caterpillars had found their way to Iran, Uruguay, Melbourne, Ulan Bator, Uzbikinistan, Manchester or London. Or that the Attorney General would be applying for extradition proceedings against the treasonous 'missing' parts, though Tank Field Marshal Desert Fox Rommel Montgomery's recommendations for a 300-strong force (including wives, children and Indonesian garuda maids) to investigate a tanks' spare parts cannibalising international syndicate based in Morocco and Libya was approved by Joint Forces Chief, Hog-nosed Skunk Toyo of Blackwood Hills!!

So, the lone $35 million FT tank, the pride (and prejudice) of local denizens was stationed permanently on top of Parameswara State Hill to the amazement of touristy Iberian (Portugal) wolves and lynx who nevertheless slotted in $5 coins for an unmatched protoscoped periscoped fish-eye view of the panaromic surroundings and sea while they dabbed their eyes with clinically sterilised cotton swabs, inside and out for double DNA soaked tears, for the privilege!

All seemed well, but all was definitely NOT nigh!

Rumblings in the apevine hinted at unrest among the animals. Forest depletion to oil palm estates, unchecked property development, new toll highways, 12 damn dams, smoke and pollution belching aluminium smelter plants, small 100-acre lots for Chief Ministers and croneys and such had led to much loss of favourite jungle hunting grounds. Prolonged droughts forced many beasts to look for food and water in fringe human land and eventually, humans, as the primary source of fast food.

That was ok for the onmivores and the carnivores. But what about the herbivores and total vegans? How could they know which humans were safe to eat or of the the long-term dangers posed by consuming silicon filled breasts or side effects from squaffing barbequed liposucked buttocks, plastic surgeried noses and penile extensions? Good god, even the male of the human species was not above indulging in "Brazilian butt lifting" and surgical enhancement of their hind quarters through synthetic implants and injection of fat! Then there's all that lard-laden Mcdonald's extruded french, oops no, freedom fries, beef burgers and aspartame-laced diet-coke and cola. There were coke sniffers, grass and crack smokers, amphetamine swallowers, heroin injectors  and ice addicts who even insert it anally!! 

It was literally a minefield out there, a dilemma of biblical proportions! Someone and some way had to be found to evaluate which human was fit for consumption and which not; which parts of their bodies were tastier and which parts were safe or not for frenzied live blood oozing and spurting feasting! Was the female homo sapien as safe for consumption as the male or was there a primal curse and price to pay? Could you roast her in a fig leaf? Was white meat as good or as safe as brown, yellow and black? Which had more protein and which was carbo loaded or fat?

As far as animalia was concerned, the philosophical, ethical and moral aspects of eating humans did not of course quite figure in the equation. But what of the sagging flesh of the sub-prime mortgage selling con artists from AIG? Or the marrowless and spineless bones of Goldman Sachs who hawked and short sold Collaterised Debt Obligations (CDO) and Credit Default Swap (CDS) instruments before unloading billions of them as 'good as gold' investments to their unsuspecting clients? The tongues of the WMD lying Bush and Blair-types - should you swallow them raw  and whole or have them salted and pickled in brine first to be safe and sure?  Will a goulash of the belly of Soros-like forex speculator and Maha Firaun racists be too bile and adrenalin infected and poisonous? Can the thick-skinned shoulder meat and drumstick-thigh quarters of UMNO rent seekers, ali baba fraudtrepreneurs and the "lu tolong gua, gua tolong lu"  (you pick and eat my tick, I'll pick and eat yours!) Prime Ministerial monkey types be marinated and tenderised before searing or frying in fat? And tenderise with what - dilute or concentrated nitric acid? Wasn't their skin too toxic to be penetrated by fangs and claws to lay tongue on? How could you tell?

So the Tigers consulted the wise owl, Rabbits Warren Eat As Much as You Can for $10 Buffet, (No GST yet & 7% off for some ) otherwise known also as the Kosher Sausage of Zion, for $77 million fees per year excluding expenses and disbursements. Much extensive lab session were held throughout the country with humans fed on an excessive diet of oily roti jala to gauge their reaction to shock, but much needed, therapy. The results were further augmented and supported by highly rated Nielsen public polls where 2,000 unemployed male humans were asked:

"Do you want a job that pays $10,000 a month doing nothing more than smoking cigarettes, trying on eco-friendly jungle lipstick, charnel perfumes and being injected now and then with new vitamins, vaccines and medicines while lying all day long in bed and watching endless repeats of P. Ramlee's 'Ali Baba Bujang Lapok'  on TV Tak Mahu Station?" 

Surprisingly many humans said "yes" with the rider that to make sure, the government should throw in the full mindless and totally depraved 'Desperately  Screwing Housewives' and 'Sex and/in the Jungle' series as well.

And thus was born the $5 billion '10MPNEPNEM People Testing Centre' which soon became more popularly known among humans as Butcher House! The contract details of Butcher House were duly secretised under OSIBISA (Official Secrets, Intelligence, Banking and Insurance Act). Butcher House was built right on top of that hill after the 500-year old colonial Portuguese fort was completely demolished! Surely the philistines cannot object on the grounds of preservation of heritage, history, architecture and history where business and billions of $ of foreign direct investments are involved, can they?

And of course the croney beneficiary of the contract were the Buaya (crocodiles) and of course it was a 30-year monopoly funded by a 100% Tiger Government R&D Grant with a pre-contract advance of $6 billion, subsidised interest at 2%, and the standard standby failure buy-back clause with full capital and profit compensation guarantees in case the supply of humans did not meet the moderately projected targets of 30 million a year!!! There was also that standard moderate budget of $100 million for "overseas visit and study" trips, locally known as "lawatan sambil belajar" to the camps at Auschwitz, Belsen Belsen and Treblinka, with side trips to the belly-eating capitals of Morocco and Libya, for a 300-strong delegation,including wives, families and Indonesian garuda maids!

Butcher House was a roaring success - for the concessionaires of course! White rhino and cobra feasted on the abundant delicacy of pickled oriental penis; sharks, whales, dolphins and porpoises drank gallons of japanese, russian and norwegian ear-lobe soup at weddings; pangolins on taiwanese boiled hairless shelled testicles; snails and horses favoured garlic and ginger laced rare french tenderloin and rump steaks while the apes, orangutans and chimps just loved that flambe of brandy sprinkled open skull honkie brain with its owner live and kicking while still wedged under the table!! Goats and cows roamed the plains and valleys and hill sides while ruminating late morning and chewing cud of indian and malay salted jerky! Cod and salmon gormandized on mamakhead curry served on nasi kandar or instant 3-minute maggie noodles with the squinty succulent eyes especially much favoured as a delicacy.

After all, was it not God who had decreed that anything that walked on two legs was fair game? Four legs good, Two legs, better! Heh, heh, Heh!

Oh, and there was more - italian and french hide handbags, pants, skirts and overcoats much loved by brand conscious crocodiles, panthers and leopards were the delight of the haute couture, pret a porter and moda this and moda that fashion shows all over south east asia. There was no limit or end to these parties.

But prime cuts of human meat from their Great Leaders, Firauns, War Lords, Trained Economists and their wives, Chief Ministers and lastly KKK Perkosong Ali and his right wing lieutenants were missing from the almost complete menu one could ever ask for. Most from this sub-class of homo sapiens were seen to have departed in hordes to their $50 and $100 million palatial homes in London, Sydney, New York and Paris and the south of France when news of Butcher House first surfaced. 

As to their true loyalty to their native land and how they had accumulated such fabulous Midas/Croesus-like wealth, why ask?

It's the law of the jungle!!

And then the shit really hit the fan when the Trained Economist and his Chief Minister said the licence for Butcher House while approved, had not been awarded, and that it was not final yet!

donplaypuks® with animal rights, man!