YOU HAVE NO TWO COWS AND NO BEEF. THE BOLIHLAND RESPONSE?

by brahma BS, Donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for bovine affairs

In the bluff and counter-bluff cosy world of public-private business partnerships in Bolihland, where profits are piratised to fraudtrepreneur cronies, and losses socialised (written off) to the Taxpayers' account, what are the likely reponses from concerned Bolihlanders and organizations to rip-offs like the $250 million Cowgate Financial Fraud? 

Donplaypuks® 1957 Independent Polling & Sampling Centre swung into action to gauge opinions. Here they are:

AIR ASIA

You may not bring your own beef or beef-flavoured maggi instant noodles on board. You have to order it online and pay in advance by credit card. Then, if the flights are NOT re-timed by circumstances always beyond our control, you MAY get your pre-ordered meal. If not, take your beef to our online customer support centre. Sorry, our systems are down. Now, everyone can be herd!

MANA ADA SISTEMS AIRLINES

Ask Air Asia management! Now, everyone can become laughing stock.

BAR COUNCIL

We demand a Royal Commision of Inquiry to look into who:

1. Illegally manipulated the sacking of the chief cowherd 20 years ago, and why.
2. Who illegally fixed the appointment of chief and senior cowherds, and cowed them all.
3. Which chief cowherd went on conflict of interest holidays with which lawyers and who paid for his expenses.
4. Promoted junior cowherds over much senior ones, with what purpose in mind. 

BLOGGER BIG CANINE 
Yes, it's 100% confirmed. I have proof. It's a conspiracy by the Penang government to replace all the herds with Christian cows and supermarket freezers with Vatican beef. Is the Pope Israeli?
BUMNO

You have been voting for it for over 50 years. Why chain policy now, lah? You help me, can? Lu tolong gua, gua tolong lu, yah?

BUNTUTSAN NEWSPAPER

Rise, o’glorious race of magnificent Cows (Bangkit Lembu2)! Your right to being slaughtered like meek lamb and sheep by BUMNO is being openly challenged…..Rise!

CHIEF JUSTICE

Good news! That means the government has lots of money. I (and my wife) can put in a transparent bid for the $2.2 Billion KID YOU NOT 200-YEAR CONCESSION TOLL HIGHWAY CONTRACT, strictly on merit, you understand.

DATO TRIO

Yes, the beef business in south east asia is being monopolised, especially the chinadoll variety. Once, the tender underaged calves were so prolific and tasty, thamby. Now, all the cows are given their shots on location in Thai farms, one every minute, timed with a missing Saudi Omega watch. Oh, those were the Lolita days.

ELECTIONS COUNCIL

No problem. We can re-draw southern Thai, Rohingya, Philippines and Ingdon boundaries, register foreign cows as local and get instant new formula wagyu and kobe beef. Why now? What? We’ve been doing it for over 30 years. You did not notice?

IBRAHIM ALI

Thats mean Bumiputra rights for 67% of no cows or beef must be extended for another 50 years. Waits a minutes. Lets me con-sult Maha Firaun. East Malaysia Bumis? Got such tink, meh? Wgaf anyway? I don't.

MAHA FIRAUN

All the apanama no beef has been cornered by the chinaman cartel. They must now form win-win ali baba partnership with my sons.., er, no, with, the Bumis and be paradigm shafted. East Malaysia Bumis? Got such tink, meh? Wgaf anyway? I don't.

JALAN ALOR SETAR WCW TOILET NEWSPAPER

Vote wisely for another 50 years of no beef. You cannot miss what you never had. It will be like deja moo, all over again. Is that not wonderful?

KERISMUDIN, MINISTER FOR HOME COWS AND BEEF AFFAIRS

The Police and Malaysian Association for Cows and C.Arse have not investigated because there is no proof of civil or criminal culpability, or involvement of opposition cowherds or herds. Bring me proof. Then we will initiate investigations (by 2020). Ask the IGP, Police and MACC.

IGP & POLICE

We have not investigated because there is no proof of civil or criminal culpability, or involvement of opposition cowherds or herds. Bring us proof. Then we will initiate investigations (by 2020). Ask MACC.

MALAYSIAN ASSOCIATION FOR COWS AND C.ARSE (MACC)

We are not interested unless it’s $2,200 or less. We have not investigated because there is no proof of civil or criminal culpability, or involvement of opposition cowherds or herds. Bring us proof. Then we will initiate investigations (by 2020). Ask the Police.  

ATTORNEY GENERAL

No Further Action (NFA). Ask Kerismudin, IGP, Police and MACC.

LYNAS CORP

It’s not true the Australia government will not allow your cows and beef (if you had it) to be exported there. It’s just that the Australian government will not allow anyone in Australia to import it. There is no rumour to the truth that your cows and beef glow in the dark and have a half-life of 14 billion years.

MALAYSIAN CHINA ALLY CHIEF

Okay, I admit I did it. It was me in the video condemned by the animal rights groups. But the cows entrapped me. It was a set up. Integrity? Is not the Pope Chinese?

MALAYSIAN INDIAN CIRCUS

We not yeating beef yeniway. Please be trying parpukari burger, steaks and thosai - very cholestrol filling, hot and tasting, but producing lots of fiery methane gas, isn’t it!

MALAYAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION PRESIDENT

First the good news. That means we don’t have Mad Cow Disease. Second, I am glad to announce that I am a Siamese cat.
NALLA
I witnessed the bulls performing stud services while playing tennis in a wig. I can prove it 100% by hearsay, so sue me for defamation. You ask me how long cows were milked? Well, I suppose, the same way short ones were? See, you have to super smart like senators.

NAZI

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I am not responsible for what my son did.

NATIONAL FEEDNOTALOT CORP (NFC – in receivership now)

That’s why we bought all those $10 million condos and land in Bangsar, Successpool Princesville, Singiapour and Cowzakhstan. For $250 million, we'll farm and fence anything off!

NEW STATE PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY & THIGHMES NEWSPAPER

The Prime Minister said today we have no two cows and no beef. So, it must be 69% true. Vote for him and BUMNO or he will cancel our licence.....
PAS

We should all vote for cows to be brought in from Arabia. Their latest promotion offer is simply brilliant and irresistible - Buy 1 Arabian Cow, Free1 Chocolate Milk Sheikh!
R.HAVOXBRIDGECON BAGINDA
There could be 540 million reasons why the cows and beef have disappeared. I am innocent. I don't know who is responsible or why she did it.

RPK

I was reliably informed (no SD) by PI Bala that C4 explosives were not used to blow up the cows and beef to Mongolia, and then their migration records, erased. Rosemajib did it. No, did not. 90% sure Anwar did it. Maybe not.

SHEHERADZE, MINISTER FOR COWGATE AFFAIRS
Que? Que? I know nothing about the missing cows or beef. My husband tells me nothing. He did not tell me about the Mercedes cars, although they are parked in the driveway of our house. He did not tell me about the $10 million condos  in Bangsar, Singiapour and Cowzakhstan although I stayed in them. He did not tell me........

Kak rAPidah 
So, 80% of the Approved Permits (AP) for imports were awarded by me wholly on selective merit basis to 4 crony and/or nepotistic unemployed and unemployable high school dropouts. What's wrong with that? If I am guilty of corruption, then so is PM Maha Firaun and every BUMNO Minister and MP and Adun and........it's our accepted culture...

ROSEMAJIB 
No, it is a completion fabrication. I did not buy all the cows and beef for $80 million, although I have in a Savings Account with Maybe Bank of Tel Aviv, several billion dollars which I have been putting away since I was five.
SOCIALIST PARTY
We had 2 cows. Now we have none. The police confiscated them, saying we were intending to create havoc, cause riots and wage war with the King to resurrect Communism, armed with subversive pamphlets and lethal yellow t-shirts. Our chief cowherd, Dr. Michael Jeyakumar and his supporters, the EO6, will be suing the police for false arrest and illegal detention.
UMMI
My brothers are lying. It's true all the cows were virgins. I can personally vouch for it. Why, when I petted some of them, they even yapped, barked and wagged their tails!
WEE CK
I have tabled 200 questions at the United Nations General Assembly about  this conspiracy by Air Asia to illegally take over Mana Ada Sistems Airlines (MASA). This is what you get when you cross a profitable low cost carrier with a mega loss-making five-star service premier airline - a diving whoosh where now, everybody can lose money, big time. 
ZAHRAIN
Traitors! They would not award this $250 million (100% taxpayer guaranteed) sustainable cows farming and beef selling contract to my $2 company. Yes, I admit I have no cattle farming or any farming experience. But so what? Did Bill know anything electric fencing and autogates or Jobs about employment agencies when they started out, Buffet about food, Zuckerberger about hot dogs, french fries and burgers or Carlos Slim about dieting? 

Donplaypuks® with $250 million and billion dollar contracts, Prime Minister. We won't let them go, even after you lose GE 13!

HIDDEN RACIST AGENDA TO DEMOLISH THE MALAYS? MY FOOT!

by all out of africa, Donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for racial affairs

 The premise of this essay is based on five simple truths, that:

• There is no agenda, covert (hidden) or overt (open), among Malaysian Chinese, Indians and Others, or CIA sponsored or Zionist or other foreign "agent provocateurs" to "rob" Malaysian Malays of their political or other powers or "price" then out of "their land" in places like Penang or anywhere.
• That legitimate criticisms by any citizen of the excesses of our Government, especially where it concerns billion dollar financial scandals, are NOT attacks on, or "bashing" of, Malaysian Malays.
• That loss of political power of BUMNO/BN is NOT tantamount to loss of political, economic or social power of Malaysian Malays.
• What is fatal to BUMNO/BN is not necessarily fatal to Malaysia as a whole.
• No Malaysian is against the provisions of Article 153 which does not supercede the main provisions in our Constitution as regards equality of citizens. Article 153 lays the foundation for affirmative action, provided it is applied fairly, not indiscriminately, in favour of those indigenous peoples of Malaysia (yes, it includes Sarawak and Sabah) in need, determined by their poor economic circumstances, not crony connections of the elite few.

In 1969, at the height of the riots in Kuala Lumpur, my Malay neighbours in Pasar Road were evacuated to the safety of the army camp in Gurney Road. Shortly before they got on to the army truck, my immediate neighbour's parents handed over to mine, a small portable safe containing jewellery, cash and documents. This, my parents returned to them intact, upon their return from the army camp a fortnight later. Whenever my family left for long outstation trips, we would leave one set of our house keys with out Malay neighbour. Such was the implicit warm friendship and trust between our peoples then. This was no one-off case or exception of the few in the Malaysia of the '60's and '70's. The 1969 riots, mainly in KL and Ipoh, and minor ones in Seremban and Penang did not split a nation asunder.

Where and how did we go wrong? I have consistently and repeatedly laid all blame at the foot of Maha Firaun who promoted polarization with such vengeance and overzealousness as never before seen in Malaysia.

Today, about 85% of our Government offices, schools, universities and colleges, army, navy, air-force, judiciary etc., and Govern Linked Companies, are staffed by Malaysian Malays and/or Bumiputras. So, it is only natural that when we criticise Government, chances are that overwhelmingly, by the law of averages, our comments will strike a Malay. That cannot and must not be exaggerated as hurling venomous racial slurs and and vicious hateful epithers. It is not the Malay per se we strike at, but at the faceless administration, and especially its top leadership, when huge inefficiencies and billion dollar corruption scandals explode week after week, month after month, year after year! But, shameless pro-BUMNO bloggers and politicians deliberately misinterpret these criticisms to fan the flames of racial hatred.

BUMNO/BN finds itself unable to withstand or halt the march of DAP, PKR and PAS as a united Pakatan. So, they have embarked on a vindictive and racist campaign of demonising DAP by branding them:

• Anti-Malay and anti-Malay culture and language
• Anti-Islam
• Anti-Federal Constitution especially with regard to Article 153
• Anti-Monarchy and therefore pro-Republic
• Pro-colonisation of Malaysia by China and therefore pro-vassal territory of Singapore

Now ask yourself, which party has its membership open to all Malaysians, without restriction on colour, creed or caste? A:BUMNO/BN B: DAP C: PKR.

Which party has as its Chairman, a person NOT selected by racial considerations? A:BUMNO/BN 

B: DAP.

It is clear that PM Najib, BUMNO BN and Perkasa have run out of  legitimate reasons to ask anyone to vote them into office for another term. Only masochists and sadists will allow them to further plunder our coffers and ruin and bankrupt our nation. 

So, in tandem with unprincipled Buntutsan and other mainstream media, much of it owned by BUMNO/BN, and with sniper-precision pot-shots by the man who set us all on the path of ruin, Maha Firaun, aided and abetted by the right-wing Perkasa and Ibrahim Ali (who funds them?) they hope to persuade, but more pointedly, coerce, us into voting for them.

It is equally clear that these scurrilous and dangerous political strategies have been deliberately and knowingly crafted, sanctioned and directed by those at the highest level in BUMNO/BN which includes Prime Minister Najib and Deputy Prime Minister Muhyiddin. They want to stay in power regardless of performance.


Make no mistake. We judge them by performance. No more, no less. They shall survive or perish by dint of performance. No more, no less.

Their 1 Malaysia boast, a fraudulent and hypocritical concept, is in tatters because, right from its inception, it was not all inclusive. The Ketuanan (Lords of the Land) racist concept bolstered by taxpayer fleeced Biro Tata Negara (BTN) brainwashing seminars is still being promoted. Muhyiddin pronounced 1 Malaysia's funeral rights by announcing to the world " I am Malay first" which scuppered any notions of equal citizenship and nationality at the ruling party level. PM Najib did not demand an explanation from Muhyiddin or sack him.

This talk of, by of all people a prime minister of a country, that "we are at war" and "Putrajaya will be defended with crushed bodies" is the talk of cowardly, craven schoolboy playground mentality. We all know that this is the talk of empty vessels. We all know that those who show they wish to rule by fear must be distrusted and never given position in any government office.

As admitted by Maha Firaun himself, today, the Malay vote in Malaysia is split 3 ways, among BUMNO, PKR and PAS. Kelantan and Kedah are administered by a PAS MB, Selangor by PKR's Khalid Ibrahim, Penang by DAP's Lim Guan Eng, Sarawak by Taib of PBB/BN and Sabah by BUMNO's Musa Aman and the rest by UMNO's Malay Chief Ministers. Following Perak's fall to Pakatan at GE 2008, Nizar Jamaluddin of PAS was appointed Chief Minister. In true racist and reprehensible fashion, Maha Firaun branded Nizar as 'dikudakan" i.e. as a DAP Chinese puppet being led by its nose.

So, it's now clear how desperate BUMNO/BN are and why increasingly they are being talked about in the same breath as Hitler and the Nazi Party. The Malay votes that BUMNO/BN loses will go substantially to PKR and PAS. So, where and how will it translate as the loss of Malay political, economic or social power? 

Oh, fucking sure, thank God, it will translate as loss of BUMNO/BN loss of political, economic and social power and influence; maybe even its complete demise. Again we rail and condemn NOT against BUMNO/BN per se or against its rank and file, but the few at the top who have have steered them to the precipice with one disastrous racist and bigoted religious policy after another, and utter corruption epidemic at its core.

The fall and demise of BUMNO/BN will decidedly NOT be a fate worse than death. If fact, that's precisely the enema and catharsis it needs; a good jackboot up its arse. In Japan, and elsewhere across the globe, regimes that thought they had the right to rule in perpetuity, have in recent years and months, bitten the dust. Is this the end of Japan, Morocco and Egypt? Not by your Birkin handbag's strap, it isn't! The world and universe has built into its fabric a degree of resilience that no round-faced balding would-be dictator attempting a naked grab for power could possibly make a serious dent in.

So, my fellow Malaysians:

• Forget Race and religion. Forget Malay, Indian, Chinese and Others. This is a red-herring promoted by BUMNO/BN for over 30 years.
• There are sufficient provisions in the Federal Constitution to protect everyone's interests, provided we have the right leaders.
• No way will Malay rights in Malaysia be weakened or threatened by voting out a once-exalted political leadership that has now evolved and mutated into a rogue Nazi plundering regime.
• Vote with your head, not your feet.
• Vote out the crooks, thieves, rapists, looters and plunderers. They are our true enemies. How do we identify and recognise them? When they throw $80,000 birthday parties, hold $1 million engagement parties for their daughters, award $2 billion and $7 billion inflated toll highway contracts to companies headed by their cronies, ex-Government lawyers and wives of ex-CJ's, pay $540 million gaji-buta (sinecure) commission for submarines and deny it, award $6 billion contracts that within a month bloat to $9 billion for patrol boats, piratise profitable state-owned enterprises for a song to the elite and cronies and socialise losses, and more, all at the Taxpayer's expense, there they are!

So, Syeditious Ali, Big Dog, Unspinners, Parpukari and others who rave and rant that the Malaysian Malay will be wiped out. You know who you are. Eat your heart out, babes. Even RPK whose reading of the situation is myopic. Malaysians are not stupid; not by a long measure.


Do remember and have not the slightest doubt: We Are All Of One Race, The Human Race!

Donplaypuks® with Malays, Indians, Chinese and Others, you racist and religious bigoted men and women. You know who you are!

RPK'S ONCE UPON A TIME JALAN GASING & PUSING IN PAKATAN SELANGOR

by eli whitney, Donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for cotton spinning affairs

When you spin a top, it must eventually come to rest. No human has invented a perpetual motion machine. The known laws of physics do not permit it. Thus worthless unspinners must spin, and spinners, unspin, themselves into oblivion.

The pity is Raja Petra Kamaruddin (RPK) is in danger of doing so too. Watchdog or Running Dog, I don't know. But, I hope he has not become someone's lapdog, or worse, Birkin bag carrier.

A pity, because, a flaccid RPK and M2Day are still a worth a darn good read and are more credible than the whole lot of pro-BUMNO bloggers put together. Imagine what an upright and fully seized RPK could achieve. 

Lately, RPK’s been too intent on fitting “facts” to hypothesis, since he’s prematurely announced to the world there is serious corruption in Selangor, and God forbid, if that’s not the case, and the world should come to its end yesterday.

(Do remember that something can only be called a ‘theory’ if it can be verified and reconstructed with predictable results using the laws formulated in that theory. Otherwise, it’s just another hypothesis. Thus, the ‘Big Bang Theory,’ no matter if even Einstein believes in it, is still only a hypothesis because no one knows how to start an explosion, from which strange creatures like Rosemajib, Maha Firaun, AP Kings and Queen and $2.2 billion KIDEX YOU NOT toll highways could be created, and whose reverberations could still be heard 14 billion years later, as you can the methane -filled farts from Bigbangsar Fidnotalot Cowgatesville!).

And that’s the problem with ego, mania and megalomania. 

Here’s a good definition of Megalomania from Wikileaks, owned by Anwar Ibrahim. Okay lah RPK, that’s a lie; it’s from Wikipedia:

“A psycho-pathological condition characterized by delusional fantasies of power, relevance, or omnipotence. Megalomania is characterized by an inflated sense of self-esteem and overestimation by persons of their powers and beliefs'.^[1] Historically it was used as an old name for narcissistic personality disorder prior to the latter's first use by Heinz Kohut in 1968, and is used these days as a non-clinical equivalent.^[2][3] It is not mentioned in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM)^[4] or the International Statistical Classification of Diseases (ICD).”

Psycho-pathological. Delusions of power. Omnipotence. Narcissistic. Psycho-babble? A wee bit OTT (Over The Top) perhaps. 

But can we be blamed for our scepticism, if in reputedly bending over backwards to appear to be neutral, RPK bashes the current Selangor Government and accuses its leadership of corruption, backed, not with hard solid evidence, but slant spin? And then compares it with 30 years of proven, hard-core corruption by BUMNO/BN?

Let me illustrate this with reference to RPK’s exposé of 15^th March 2012 titled ‘EPISODE 20: The USD10 million kickback.’

“This matter involves a privatisation project between the Selangor state government (Selangor) and a company called Azam dan Azan Sdn Bhd (AASB). The facts of the case are as follows……” 

CLICK HERE for the full article.

With an opening gambit of this type, RPK gives the impression that not only was the Selangor Government under BUMNO/BN whiter than white, but that somehow PKR, DAP, PAS and Khalid Ibrahim are the proven corrupt parties. 

Yet, ALL the documents tendered by RPK are pre-2008 when Selangor was under BUMNO/BN and prove not an iota that any corrupt act was planned or committed, especially by Pakatan.

Here’s how a really fair-minded person would have written RPK’s opening lines:

“The reality is, this matter involves a problematical 1997 privatisation project signed between the Selangor state government (Selangor) which was then under the rule of Barisan National (BN) led by Butt United Malay National Organization (BUMNO) Menteri Besar (Chief Minister) Tan Sri Abu Hassan Haji Omar, succeeded in 2000 by Dr. Mohamed Khir bin Toyo. Dr. Khir Toyo lost his position after BUMNO/BN was defeated at GE 2008, and was replaced by PKR’s  Tan Sri Abdul Khalid bin Ibrahim, who inherited this 1997 problem.”

Could the word “corruption” possibly be used in the same breath and sentence as Abu Hassan and Khir Toyo? Nah, no way!

RPK then moves on with:

“Since 2009, nothing much has happened and it remained a deadlock. …….Finally, AASB had no choice but to try to seek a ‘political solution’ to their problems……PKR Sarawak leaders, Baru Bian, AASB was introduced to the PKR Treasurer and Member of Parliament for Selayang, William Leong. After a few meetings, it was suggested that the matter be brought to the attention of the Menteri Besar, Khalid Ibrahim.

Baru Bian then introduced AASB to Tian Chua, MP for Batu who is said to have the ears of the Menteri Besar…….. 

AASB was told that the matter can be resolved if they agreed to donate USD10 million to PKR as ‘election funds’. AASB was also asked to submit a ‘statement of claim’ for RM70 million for the construction cost of the market in the first phase, which the state will approve.” RPK M2Day.

This is utter crapulence of the highest and stinkiest order! Why would a local party ask another local party for a local bribe for a local project in US$, even if it is to be paid overseas? The bribe would have been fixed in Ringgit Malaysia as a percentage of the project cost  - 10%, 50%, 100% - whatever. So, what was the exchange rate? 3.80? 3.20? 3.10? This is the kind of elementary errors RPK makes in his haste to spin and gasak (wallop), when he has no proof but only hot air!  

In February, he made that kind of same elementary mistake by writing he was told by John Soh that Anwar Ibrahim  had billions of dollars stashed away oveseas. Yet, he believed John Soh when he told him Anwar had asked him to fund $300 million to buy over BUMNO/BN MP’s in 2008 to stage the September 16 coup attempt.

QUOTE:“For weeks Anwar refused to talk to John Soh. He put the failure of September the 16th squarely on John Soh’s shoulders. When they finally met, Anwar and John Soh had a heated exchange of words. When Anwar said that John Soh was to be blamed for the September 16th failure, John Soh retorted, “If you are so confident it was going to work then why not fund it yourself? Bring back some of the billions you have stashed overseas and pay the RM300 million from your own pocket!” M2Day.UNQUOTE.

CLICK HERE for the full article.

You can see how hot air is in superabundance where solid proof is not! Is there a Statutory Declaration by John Soh on this alleged confession? Or even a Dato Trio blue film shot in Thailand, starring China Doll and Phat Pong Soh, drooping belly, crew cut, Omega watch and all? And even if John Soh were to appear on Al Jazeera with a confession, is anyone likely to believe a word he utters?

And here’s RPK’s totally devastating “clincher” on proven corruption involving William Leong, Tian Chua, MB Khalid Ibrahim and Pakatan:

“Once AASB receives the RM70 million from the state, they are to pay the USD10 million donation as stipulated. AASB's response was: go to hell! They are prepared to sit it out and wait until after the next general election when Pakatan Rakyat will be kicked out of Selangor and the state falls back to Bumno.” RPK/M2Day.

Wow, a local property developer actually said FO to an "under-table" payment to accommodate a political party?

Uncork the non-alcoholic (after all, Azam dan Azan Sdn. Bhd. could not possibly consume the ‘haram’ version) champagne. Let ‘er rip!

And the beauty of  it all which should get them the Ghandi-Mandela Gold Medal for probity, honesty and uprightness?

“They are prepared to sit it out and wait until after the next general election when Pakatan Rakyat will be kicked out of Selangor and the state falls back to BUMNO.”

Sorry, I must stop here. It is so moving, I am reduced to tears. SOB!

So, they all lived happily ever after in their uncorrupted and incorruptible Selangor under the aegis of BUMNO/BN.

Aah, how we miss the dang good 'ol days of Camelot Selangor and clean governance in the state of the “abode of sincerity.”

Now, for the moment, allow me to retire in peace, knowing the future of Selangor shall be safe when once again it is in BUMNO/BN hands, and smoke a camel or two, one hump or two! 

Donplaypuks® with spin and counterspin, man!

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND, SYED? ANWAR LINKED TO AZIZAN’S WIFE’S DEATH? HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?

clarence s. darrow, Donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for syeditious monkey affairs

An interesting paragraph that drew my attention yesterday was from a blog post at ‘OutSyed The Box’ by blogger and author (of ‘Club of Doom’), Syed Akbar Ali (SAA) who also sits on the board of advisers of Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission (MACC).

The March 17th 2012 blog post was titled ‘Gag Order Against RPK’ and the startling paragraph was QUOTE: 

“Then this guy Azizan Abu Bakar, the complainant in the first sodomy trial suffered a strange "hit and run" accident where his pregnant wife was killed. The case was not solved. At that time guess who was still the Deputy Prime Minister? All these things happened.” UNQUOTE.

The DPM at that time was, of course, Dato Sri Anwar Ibrahim.

Here’s a rebuttal of SAA’s insinuation by way of an extract from MALAYSIAToday’s ‘THE CORRIDORS OF POWER’ by Raja Petra Kamaruddin (RPK) dated August 3rd 2010:

“A key witness in the trial of Malaysia's sacked finance minister, Anwar Ibrahim, said Tuesday that the former Cabinet minister wasn't involved in the death of the witness' wife earlier this year. Anwar's former driver, Azizan Abu Bakar, told the capital's High Court that his pregnant wife actually died in a car accident in January…..Asked on the recent arrest of Anwar's former family driver Azizan Abu Bakar for khalwat (close proximity), Dr Mahathir said he believed somebody was watching Azizan closely. ''I think all will be done to discredit this witness,'' he said of Azizan, a prosecution witness in the corruption trial of Anwar. (Utusan Malaysia, 20 September 1999).

The man who accused Malaysian ex-deputy premier Anwar Ibrahim of sodomising him was Tuesday jailed by an Islamic court for trying to have sex with a woman, the state news agency Bernama reported. The Islamic court in southern Malacca state jailed Azizan Abu Bakar, 39, for three months and fined him 7,000 ringgit after he pleaded guilty to being in close proximity with Norhayati Saad.

Azizan, the key witness in Anwar's ongoing sodomy trial, also admitted attempting to have illicit sex with Norhayati, it added. Norhayati, a 22 year-old college student whom he married a few days after they were caught, was jailed for three months and fined a total of 6,300 ringgit, the report said. The pair were caught together in a rented house in Malacca this month during a raid by Islamic religious officials and police officers. Islam bans sexual relations outside marriage.”

CLICK HERE for the full article.

So, perhaps Syed, you should ask the Prime Minister at that time, Dr. Mahathir Mohamed, the man who started the ball rolling with a police investigation of Anwar, and said QUOTE:  “I think all will be done to discredit this witness.” UNQUOTE, if he knows anything about the death of Azizan’s wife. Surely the good doctor was not implying that Azizan was persuaded to commit khalwat by Anwar or PKR members? 

Justice Ariffin Jaka had pronounced that Azizan was akin to the Rock of Gibraltar in his integrity and honesty and went ahead and convicted Anwar,:

1. Claiming Azizan had the higher moral ground despite him being convicted of committing khalwat during the trial.
2.  Ignoring completely (thrice) Azizan’s numerous backtrackings on the date of the alleged sodomy. 
3. Despite the place (Tivoli Villas) that Azizan claimed the alleged crime was committed, did not exist at that time. 

Rightfully, on appeal, the Federal Court flushed Jaka’s verdict down his honour's toilet!

So Syed, even after Azizan had, under oath, himself exonerated Anwar from any involvement in his wife’s death, you continue to make these dirty insinuations?

But readers may wish to know who Syed Akbar Ali is, and what sterling personal credentials he is able to table to back up these innuendos and insinuations about Anwar.

Let’s go to an extract from Haris Ibrahim’s  ‘People’s Parliament’ blog of July 2nd 2011 titled ‘Syeditious Akbar Ali’:

“Dr M’s chief spin doctor, Syeditious Akbar Ali, who holds that semen is discharged by women, in his post on 15th June, urges the police to arrest Ambiga if she ‘steps out into the street’.….. Syed, of course, has had his own run in with the men in blue. Syed actually alludes to this in an interview with The Star on 6th March, this year. This is what he says of that episode:

‘…I was charged but the case was nothing. I was charged for an anonymous comment on his blog. My comment was on Arabs misbehaving in Bukit Bintang, so I don’t know how seditious that is…'.

Case was nothing, eh, Syed? Syed was charged under section 4(1)(c) of the Sedition Act, 1948. No case against him?

Let me reproduce here for you his comment in full, which he says was nothing. Hehe, nothing, eh Syed?

“IS EASY TO IMPRESS THE MALAYS

In Malaysia, ever wonder why massage centres are mushrooming in Bukit Bintang? Because of SUDDEN increased of ARAB visitors.

EXACTLY BTN. The Arab camel shaggers are here in town. Also please note the amount of alcohol sold in Bukit Bintang. The Arabs are drinking up too. Not only prostitution but the Arabs are also into young boys, their all-time favourites. You will notice young Malay boys and some Chinese hanging around the Bukit Bintang area. The Arabs are diseased man. It takes an exceptionally stupid people (the Batu Gang Malays) to think that it is such a great thing to welcome Arab camel shaggers to our country.

The Arabs are kafirs or disbelievers. They founded the religion of the Batu Gang. They have conned millions into believing that a stupid stone structure in their shit hole desert should be the centre of focus of people’s worship - another stupid concept. True to Arab homosexual tradition, the sick Arabs have conned millions of people into raising their arse above their heads five times a day - supposedly in prayer. Ass holes! Staring up each other’s backsides! Yo Brader Anwar. Just thought of you." 

"In another post, where Syeditious admits to receiving RM3,000 from RPK towards account of the bail he had to pay in his case, he claims that he had wanted to pay the sum back after the charges against him were dropped and the bail money returned to him. This is how he puts it. 

“I did ask Haris Ibrahim that I wanted to return the RM3,000. He just gave me a ‘forget it lah’ type shake of the head.”

 Syeditious is a liar. This never happened.”

CLICK HERE  for the full blog post by Haris ibrahim.

As far as I’m aware, Syed has not replied to Haris’s branding him a liar or filed a defamation law suit against him. 

To be fair to Syed, he does write fairly well on a broad range of interesting issues. I agree with him that religion is the bane of man, and should not be allowed to interfere in government, politics, schools and higher institutions of learning. An elderly wise gentleman recently explained to me that the Sanskrit/Tamil word ‘Sanatana-dharma’ means ‘right behaviour’ and if one thinks about it seriously, that’s all the religion mankind really needs.

But, once in a while Syeditious – I love that moniker coined by Haris – lets slip his guard. Then you get to catch a glimpse of some disturbing flashes from the chinks in his armour. In his continuous vilification of Anwar, his demand that Ambiga and Bersih organizers be locked up by the police, that foreigners are plotting regime change in Malaysia, and more, written always in a hysterical tone, suggests something is not quite alright in his make up. More so, from a man who quotes the Koran chapter and verse.

And really Syed, did  Anwar impose any gag order on RPK? Does Anwar own the Skype global forum, or have influence over its organizers? This is the real world, where those who foot the bill will want their money’s worth, not the NEP dictated fantasy one. So, they logically decided, not that RPK was less newsworthy, but that Anwar was more. If you were going to recover your investment outlay of millions of dollars, who would you say is internationally more bankable, Anwar or RPK? Money talks, bullshit walks. QED! 

Then again, has Anwar ever denied RPK’s right to free speech? Has he gagged RPK from blogging, giving interviews or speaking his mind? 

Last I read MALAYSIAToday, RPK is alive and kickin’ swimmingly well, thank you!

Donplaypuks® with wild accusations, syeditious man!

WHERE'S THE BEEF? MOSTLY OVERSEAS! (PART2)

by O.H.M.S. Beefeaters, Donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for cowgate, bull and udder affairs

 

BEEF NIGERIA LECON ABUJA

There is no beef. But ‘potential investors and/or financiers’ will receive an emailed letter from a purportedly Nigerian farmer claiming he has inherited from his late grandfather in Abuja a $2 billion cattle farm, which he has sold to his government. But he needs $200,000 to “negotiate with the authorities” to have the $2 billion transferred overseas, for which “temporary loan” he is willing to instruct his “bank” to pay a 10% (of $2 billion) commission to any financier (for $200,000) as a guaranteed and compulsory deduction from TT instructions. The letter will also state that if the recipient does not forward it to at least 10 others, he/she will be visited by locusts and plague.

Investigations will later show the Nigeria to have been 1 of 50, registered as 45-year old studens in KL's LimCockUpWanking School of Creative Design, who never attended a day in class. TV3 will follow this up with an interview with a 52-year old bloated virgin spinster teacher in Bukit Kayu Hitam, who will shed copious tears on camera and moan about how she thought she had discovered on-line chat true love with Michael Milton Obasanjo Obote, who had fleeced her of all her life savings, after promising her marriage and ten kids.

There’s one born every minute.

BEEF PERU

This Aztec brand beef ball soup and stew combo is extremely handy for campers, hikers, mountaineers and outdoorspersons as  it uniquely caters to their needs, conveniently packed in cans with nourishing Lima beans! Afficionados, BE FOREWARNED! The outer Cortez skin-layer of Lima beans must be carefully removed before cooking to avoid Montezuma’s Revenge (aka travellers’ diarrhoea)!

BEEF QATAR

It’s actually tough and lean but brackish and watery camel meat invented by a committee from the deserts of Dubai. After all, they have for years been utilising APCO 1 Israel PR and advertising spin to mislead you into thinking duty free shopping and cost of living are actually cheaper in Dubai than in KL. Next project, Dubai Duck. Bombay Duck is of course not a duck, but dried fish. Dubai Duck is a Silverman Sachs investor alert journal which will warn potential foreign investors of the sheikh down and Ponzi schemes in Dubai real estate.

BEEF RUSSIA

A very bolshie chicken Kiev-type over-sized thigh of cow roast. Injected with elephant syringe-full liquidised mixture of red tomatoes, garlic, ginger, onions, oregano and vodka, it is served with фасоль or Russian kidney beans, Blini bread and Beluga caviar.

The dish, named ‘Ra Ra Ras-Putin (lover of the Russian Queen, the KGB’s love machine)’ has a somewhat suspect and rascally reputation. The 2013 results of ‘Ra Ra Ras-Putin (lover of the Russian Queen, the KGB’s love machine)’ being voted on and elevated to the Presidential Class of Soviet Cuisine, were stolen last week from the offices of the Election Commission.

BEEF SINGIAPOUR IQ STEAK

Mainly used to produce beef ball geriatric hairy senior mentor soup noodles steak garnished with talkingcock.com pardon my french beans, this boneless and spineless ageing totalitarian steak will only be served to you if you have a PHD, provable IQ above 160, stop at two (but you can start again at 2.30) and gamble at Sands Casinoresortpolice. Otw, everyone gets equal portions, but some more equal than udders.

BEEF TURKEY JIVE

Malaysian Civil Service preferred Erdogan beef steak with magic sinecure (gaji buta) beans, especially by the Chief Secretary Bird and top Mandarin Birds out on feathering their own nests with 25% pay increase, $60,000 per month salary and guaranteed 6-month’s equivalent bonus per year.

A more likely old cow’s tale you would not have heard from Senator Scheherazade, part-time Minister for Womens’ Harem Affairs of the Court of Caliph Dr.Imelda Birkin Rosemajib, even as she brazenly attempts to stretch her resignation, but not a resignation, for One Thousand and One Nights.

BEEF URUGUAY

South American sub-prime beef steak consumed in alarmingly large quantities on credit, principally by USA and western nations in round table trade talks, until 1995. GATT it? Now replaced by WTO, it’s the same old whine in new CDS options stinky-bean pods, marketed by Bernie Madhoff Silverman Sachs investment house to establish a level playing field – by bringing everyone down to the same level of bankruptcy and poverty.

BEEF VENEZUELA CALYPSO

The export quality cattle and beef from one of the most crime-ridden countries in the world, ranked N0.172 out of 182 of the 2011 ‘Most Corrupt Countries’ in the Corruption Perception Index, is a big hit among Bolihland fraudtrepreneurs inspired by Harry Belafonte’s calypso ditty – “Matilda, Matilda, she take my money and run Venezuela!’ Bolihland has some way to go with its No.60 ranking, but the world is shrinking and there are fewer and fewer places where you can safely launder money rear cattle and produce beef, and live with no extradition worries.

BEEF WEST IRIAN JAYA

The acrid taste of this rarest of beef available from the place once know as Papua, will leave you breathless and possibly feeling light-headed, if not completely headless, so permanent can be its result. You have to indulge in skullduggery to import it. Best eaten raw with cannibal beans from the Congo in Africa and washed down with Papau New Guinea Kava drink, which has the invigorating taste of dead cockroaches combined with the amber stream from a rabid three-headed canine from Hell.

BEEF XANADU MONGOLIA

Legendary Altantuya bovine-breed beef from the court of Mongolian Ambassador to France, Kublai Rosemajib Khan, who once, two pleasure peniscope domed Scorepenis-class submarine @ $4 billion each, did decree. The secret of 6-star Michelin rated cordon bleu cooking of Altantuya-beef lies in wrapping cow live and whole in plastic-lined lead sheets, stuffing it with C4 explosives and blast-cooking it in the open air of tropical jungles, preferably at 3 a.m. for best results.

$500,000 per kg Altantuya-class Mongolian beef can only be bought through $540 million ‘not a commission, but facilitation and administrative fee’ Havoxbridge-con PhD Agent Baginda in Oxford. All information can be “reliaby” obtained from PI Bala (no SD) in Chennai and London.

BEEF ZANZIBAR

There was once a Minister from 1M Bolihland,

By the name of Shahrizar,

Who loved the sun, sea and sand,

In the distant islands of Zanzibar.

So, she got got her clueless PhD husband and 3I USA-educated children to together band,

For a $250 million government contract to grow cattle and beef, near and far,

And set off logically across the globe in earnest pursuit of pricey condominiums and land,

From KL to Singapore to the distant islands of Zanzibar.

There was once a Minister from 1M Bolihland with a magic wand,

Whose family roared around in their brand new Mercedes car,

And found much to their astonishment they could not plant cattle or beef seeds in the sand,

In the distant islands of Zanzibar.

What happened to 'O' and 'Y' you ask? Well. everytime you ask our PM and Ministers for any explanations for financial scandals, their beef stock reply is:

"O, Y pick on me? Every BUMNO Minister has skeletons in his cupboard, including Dr.M." So, O and Y are omitted because it's all a waste of time. Just vote them all out.

ABB - Anything But BUMNO.

Donplaypuks® with with sustainable farming, man!

WHERE'S THE BEEF? HERE, THERE & EVERYWHERE! (PART1)

by bully beef desperate dan, Donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for cowgate, bull and udder affairs

In racing with indecent haste to fulfil its mission statement of achieving sustainable beef farming in the shortest possible time or earlier by 2120, the shareholders and directors of $250 million low interest subsidised government loan financed National Feednotalot Corp (NFC) left no cow pattie unturned in sourcing beef on a global scale. They even faithfully and earnestly explored farming in the air in $10 million condominiums in Bigbangsar in KL, Orchard Road in Singiapour and Astana in Kazakhstan.

The results have been staggering. Never in the history of farming have so many cows mooed so much to so few. NFC has come up with a smorgasbord of beef and mouth-watering beef dishes to promote their unique brand of ‘Sustainable Feednotalot Beef.’

In alphabetical order, they are:- 

BEEF AFGHANISTAN BAMIYAN

Produced in the statuesque hills of Bamiyan in Central Afghanistan, the meat is marinated in tongue-burning Afghan Taliban spies (and sometimes, terrorists) to bring out that special explosive taste to the palate, then, pressure-cooked in the shells of shoulder-fired Rocket Propelled Grenade launchers to flake off the meat from the bones. The meat is then minced by mixing it with Suicide-Bomber Grade C4 explosives and lighting it. The crisp and melts-from-within-your mouth minced meat is best eaten all over the hills with pita bread and goat cheese, in situ, al fresco.

BEEF AUSTRALIA LYNAS

Found extensively in the elemental dunes of Mt.Weld in W.Australia, free range cows here feed exclusively on naturally bountiful Rare Earth grass that make them glow beautifully from within, enabling them to be found in the dark easily. Best consumed raw with Chernobyl radiant beans in the soon-to-be nuclear winters of Gebeng in Kuantan and Bukit Merah in Ipoh. Book your everyday-is-winter holiday with Air Asia, TODAY! Now, everyone can glow, naturally!

BEEF BURMA NE WIN

This is a You Win, I Win, We Win, Everyone Win-Win, Ne Win, Burmese dish cooked in the Japanese AuYang Suki Yaki style, and garnished with Irrawaddy Delta muddy beans. Generals everywhere love this tribal dish fried in earthenware pan with a sprinkling of rusty iron army medals signifying heroic wars and battles fought by generals against their own people, within Burma’s own borders and in the mountains.

BEEF CHINA

Pure Capitalist Beef sold as Pure Red Commie Cow Meat by Mao Ze Dung and Dung Xiaoping. Traditionally served on a bed of lice with Yerrow Rong Beans, the secret recipe for this is to be found in the classic ‘Dung’s Ritter Led Book of Heavenly Piss.’

BEEF DEUTSCHE

Or ‘Beef Chermany’ is excellent bull meat for rump and rib-eye steaks much favoured by benevolent dictators and Maha Firauns, served ‘rare’ with oozing and dripping blood, potatoes in holocaust bootskins and jackboots, and reverse swastika kidney or sword beans. Ideal meat for world war preparations. Heil Hitler mein feuhrer, today Deutsche, tomorrow ze worldt! Ich bin ein Berliner! Der Tag ich here!

BEEF ETHIOPIA

A signature dish of Angelina Pitt, this sparse and stringy beef, bone and cartilage stew, with Somalian narrow beans, was concocted to save the poor children (and whales, dolphins, sharks, tigers, crocodiles, lions, elephants, seals, deer, cod, salmon, polar bears, miss universe….) in fourth world countries. Soon, it will be exported to much expectant Malaysia.

BEEF DE FRANCE GAY PARIS SIGHFOOL

This is a generous, sumptuous, very rear and unique combination of oh, so la di da and ooh, la la sophistiqué Porterhouse Steak, Filet Mignon and Sirloin Steak prepared by world-renown Motorbike Chef, Aunty Pet, from thick Tenderloin and Sirloin rump meat.

Sufficient to feed a football team of 11 plus 4 reserves, a manger and two coaches,  it is a favourite of young men-boys pursuing government scholarships, as they come the other way (through the KY Jelly well-oiled hinged back entrance doors) to meet Prime Ministers at their private residences, seeking their favours. The taste of the uncooked meat is coaxed to burst upon papillae with pungent force if served with 3-days unwashed brown beans and green salad with pink vinaigrette sauce dressing. Starters – thick, steamy brown Cow-Tail Soup (in Bahasa Malaysia - Sup Buntut Lembu) is a must!

BEEF GREECE ODYSSEY

At €130 billion per kg, this truly dreamy Bovril drink with steamrolled Athenian beans, belongs to the virtual world of ‘Avatar’ and ‘Dreamworks’. Previously fat and lard-laden cows raised in over-geared and heavily-in-debt farms, have, in the swish of a tale, been reduced to thin and emaciated ghosts of themselves, as they try to face a grim future with Herculean effort and Stoic resolve, by going on strike.

BEEF HOLLAND

Buy1, Free1 double dutch offer marketed by S&M brand cow breed Queen, Xaviera Hollander, Penthouse consultant and author of 'The Happy Farm Hooker: My Own Story.' Having explored and managed all conventional avenues in free-range calves, cow and dairy farming in New York, Hollander successfully turned her attention late in life to new pastures in dykes- and Dutch Ladies-filled Amsterdam. She quickly developed quick milking and savvy techniques which gave super returns on equity to her wards and investors.

National Feednotalot Corp's MD is away on extended visit-work-cum-study in Amsterdam and other major cities in Holland and hopes to table viable proposals for importing the double dutch cow-get-cow-get broad bean model to his home country, soon, by 2020 or later.

BEEF INDIA

This pas or pariah (as it is locally known in India) or ‘fake beef’ as it is known in the industry, is actually buffalo meat falsely labelled as beef and cooked in special 4-caste iron pot with curry powder, coconut milk, and beans, to form a fiery broth to be eaten with rice. It is widely consumed in the cities that are on the route of the Olympic Torch in India, the trail that constitute the Madras-runs, Bombay-runs and the New Delhi-runs.

BEEF INGDON

Full of beans ‘Maid in Ingdonesia’ beef is imported mainly by Bolihland and the House of Sa’ud. Grossly underpaid for its sterling quality, and often RELAly abused when tenderising meat, it has an honest, but sometimes coarse yet robust, workman’s integrity and odour about it. Has many qualities that may assist many a Malaysias in achieving ‘Maid in Malaysia’ export status by 2020, or earlier, as predicted by Roti Jala, Minister for KSBSI – Key Stud Bull Shit Index.

BEEF JAPAN OR KOBE WAGYU

Calves are force fed on a liquid diet of brandy and champagne, and massaged from young with LandoftherisingRedsuntory Whiskey to produce the tenderest of marbled meats. It is fit only to be prepared at Yen 400,000 a whack Shang kitchens and served, with broad-bottom beans, at the engagement dinners of the daughters of Prime Ministers and their Kazakhstani fiancés, at Suckcesspool Princeville. Who four-footed the bill will surely determine the fate of yet another Animal Farm?

Enterprising Japanese have capitalised on the popularity of Kobe Beef by inventing cow based computer games called Cowkegotchamon and Thamabeefgotchimon. The game consoles are free, but the batteries cost $50 for an AA pair!

BEEF NORTH KOREA

Here, cows, like their human counterparts, wholly embrace Kim Jong-Il’s philosophy of ‘Juche’ or “Self Reliance.’ The cows therefore, milk themselves, feed themselves with mushy red beans, carry pooperscoops to dispose their poops downwind in South Korea and swish their tails in unison so the methane they fart is propelled towards their nuclear plants and ICBM silos for free, sustainable green energy.

However, National Feednotalot Corp abandoned the idea of importing these independemt-minded cows, as the N.Korans would neither grant NFC 30% free equity nor 10% secret commissions to NFC’s MD, in a joint-venture. Neither could the N.Koreans, and this was the real deal-breaker, wrap their heads around NFC’s suggestion of providing cows with motorised carts for the foreseeable future..

“Affirmative action for rich cows? Motorised carts? Forever? Lord of the Meadows recognition?” the perplexed N.Koreans muttered to themselves, as they chased the NFC executives over the border and out of their country.

BEEF LIBYA DAFFY DUCK

This rarest of dishes in the world is cooked naturally with the rarest species of Sahara desert dead duck called, quadaffyduck/gadaffyduck/kadaffyduck/muamar cadaffyduck/mohammed gaddaffiduck or any way CNN and USA MSM like to mispell it. The dead duck is first marinated with special Chinese 5-spies mix and then cooked with the beef in clay ovens buried deep in the sands of the Sahara. The sitting duck is cooked in its own melting fat, and the beef, in duck fat. Cooking duties  are overseen by a special squad of 100 armed vestal virgin Amazonian female bodyguards barracked at night in desert harem tents near the cooking pits and in the grounds of Buckingham Palace in London..

We regret Beef Libya is no longer available. It was suddenly taken off the menus of Tripoli in October 2011, without a quack.

BEEF MALAYSIA OR MALAISE

There is no such beef, but it could be created out of thin air as a sustainable cow and farty beans farming industry on a Local, Regional Hub and Glocal scale with another zero interest 300-month instalment debt card write-off government scheme for Sons of The Soil, on a strict merit only basis, but this time for $2 billion loan, due to inflationary risks and escalating condominium and land prices in Singiapour, Bigbangsar KL, London, New York, Paris, Tokyo, Munich, Geneva and, of course, Kazakhstan. Refer ‘Beef Ingdon’ and Beef Ethiopisa’ above for long-term prospects.

- n-z to be continued -

Donplaypuks® with cows and udders, man!