1 MALAYSIA CELEBRITY POLITICIANS' RECIPES! EAT & SUFFER IN DELIGHT!

by michelin alain ducasse krugman bernanke, Donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for economy and cooking up affairs

The most popular TV programs today are either the puke inducing fake reality, or celebrity chef cookery, shows. 1 Malaysian Bolih (can do), not to be outdone, has come up with something even better - celebrity politicians' and GLC (government losing concern) boss's favourite dish recipes.

Here are 6 of the best mouth-drying and heart-stopping recipes.

1. $30 BILLION INSTANT BEEP ECONOMY SIZE BEEF PIE®1969 by GROSSEMAJIB TUN RAZAK  

(Serves 67% portions only) 

Ingredients: 
1 national kitchen

1 national pie dish
1 national $30 Billion Instant Beep Economy Size Beef Pie Mix®1969 
1 national oven
1 national rubbish bin
Bumi, Chinese, Indians and Others chefs 
Preparation Instruction: 

First make claim you have a God given right to 67% of all Instant Beep Economy

Size Beef Pie®1969
Next scrap sticky $200 million burnt 1Malaysia APCO (Israel) and Endless Possibilities pies from bottom of national pie dish and throw in national rubbish bin
Steal 30% Instant Beep Economy Beef Pie Mix®1969
Steal another 20% Instant Beep Economy Beef Pie Mix® 1969
Publicly lie that you now have only 23% Instant Beep Economy Beef Pie Mix®1969
Steal another 17% Instant Beep Economy Beef Pie Mix®1969
Put pie mix in national pie dish, cover and bake in national oven at 500F degrees
Burn pie
Close kitchen quietly and write-off $30 billion
Blame Chinese, Indian and Others chefs
Challenge Chinese, Indian and Others chefs to return by boat to China, India, Bangladesh, Indonesia, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Kerala and Nigeria   
Send out 1 SOS, telephone 1 IMF and 1World Bank!!
Apply for membership to League of 3rd World Nations.

2. WHOLE BABE LAMB MONGOLIAN by GROSSMAJIB TUN RAZAK 
(Serves 3 judges in Court of Appeal) 

Ingredients: 
1 blackmailing female Mongolian whole babe lamb (import permit must be erased)
1 thothally innocent male Oxford Don worth $540 million
1 thothally innocent prime minister
1 thothally innocent prime minister’s wife and 2 $200K Birkin Babe Lamb Handbags
1 PM aide, M.Safri
1 weak-heart PI
1 Deepak babe lamb and 1 stalk Black Rose
2 thothally innocent male and 1 thothally innocent female special action unit babe lamb cops
1 cup c4 explosives and fuse
2 sniffer dogs 
Preparation Instruction: 
Mix ingredients thoroughly in tropical jungle night setting
Light fuse
Run for cover
Marshall sniffer dogs and collect cooked pieces in poly bags 
Serve with hood over head

3. DEVILLED-YOU-KNOW DILEMMA CURRY CHICKEN KERALA by MAHATHIR KOYA KUTTY 
(Serves everyone right for voting for him)

Ingredients: 
67% West Malaysia crony bumnoputra chicken
11% Sabah Filipino adobo
9% Sarawak pepper
25% Chinese syaitan santan
8% Indian curry spices
1% Indian Muslim kayu fish head
2% Other turbaned dhal and sri lankan kottais
6% Bangladeshi, Indon and Pak oil & basmati rice
1% Communist potatoes
1% Zionist kosher beef and extra-sour acerbic lime juice
0.05% Nigerian ponzi and scam yam 
Preparation Instruction: 
I am never sorry, apanama, I forget. I also can’t add. Ask my son Mukh who has no ambitions, not one iota, of becoming the next Devilled-you-know Chicken Prime Minister, with my non-interfering help, of course.

4. SHIRLEY SHRINE NOT TEMPLE COCKTAIL by SHEIKH BUTT NOT STIR DUNGGU ADNAN 
(Serves all idol worshipping Malaysian Hindus) 

Ingredients: 
1 101-year old Hindu shrine but not temple – good! Two? Even better!!
1 Hindu shrine but not temple priest
200 Hindu shrine but not temple committee members
1,000 Hindu shrine but not temple devotees
2 large caterpillar bulldozers
666 electric jackhammer pneumatic drills and hammers
30 City Hall sub-contract EO released and poor, jobless Geng 30 members
1 missing City Hall Mayor
1 missing FT Minister
1 tall, chilling cocktail glass
12 parangs
1 God 
Preparation Instruction: 
Loosen 30 City Hall sub-contract EO released and jobless Geng 30 members to hold back priest,
committee members and devotees of Hindu shrine but not temple
Bulldoze Hindu shrine but not temple
Jackhammer Hindu shrine but not temple to bits and pieces
Smash all Hindu shrine but not temple idols with 666 hammers
Grind bulldozed Hindu shrine but not temple and idols to dust
Place Hindu shrine but not temple dust in tall chilling cocktail glass and seal. Throw glass into waters of the Straits of Melaka, in the direction of Tamil Nadu
Place parangs in boot of Hindu shrine but not temple priest’s and committee members’ cars
Arrest Hindu shrine but not temple priest and committee members 
Praise God for religious tolerance and understanding

5. CONDOCOWS NS KOBE BEEF BUGGER by SCHEHERAZADE, SALLEH & CO 
(Serves crony family of 5 only) 

Ingredients: 

1 $250 million no-strings attached NS Kobe Beef Bugger 1fraudtrepreneur government grant
1 large bottle of beer
1 PhD husband
1 PhD husband’s Minister wife
1 Rakyat
1 tube KY Jelly
1 barbeque pit
Preparation Instruction: 
Let 1 PhD husband collect $250 million no-strings attached 1fraudtrepreneur government grant
Buy high-end condos in Bangsar and Singapore for $50 million
Transfer balance money to Kazakhstan and Zurich
Open beer bottle and pour out beer
Take empty beer bottle and smash head of 1 Rakyat
Apply KY Jelly appropriately
Bugger 1 Rakyat in barbeque pit
Let 1 PhD husband’s Minister wife and family deny they knew anything about it 
Write-off $250 million
Serve with self-interest and alfalfa grass salad 

 6. DRY DOCKS TUNA SANDWICH by NOR MOHD ROBOKOP, DANNY AND BINAFAKIR CON-SULTANS  
(Serves all at National Treasure Corp) 

Ingredients: 

1 $120 million tuna factory and farming budget
1 $2 million 2nd hand tuna fishing boat
$20 million air tickets and travel budget
1 Subway franchise restaurant
Preparation Instruction:

Visit Dubai, Cairo and Lebanon on visit-cum-study and research on belly dancing, several times, not Japan or Taiwan for tuna fish farming fact-finding. Spend $20 million

Buy rusty $2 million 2nd hand tuna fishing boat for $6 million and dock in Langkawi

Pay 30% commission to the Binafakir Con-sultans

Buy ten brand new Merc Benz cars for $10 million 

Pay 30% commission to the Binafakir Con-sultans

Buy tuna fish warehouse and processing plant for $50 million

Pay 10% "commission" to the Binafakir Con-sultans

Import tuna and roe

Forget to install refrigeration plant

Pay 10% "commission" to the Binafakir Con-sultans

Let tuna and roe rot

Pay 10% "commission" to the Binafakir Con-sultans

Drive Merc Benz to Subway franchise restaurant

Buy tuna fish sandwich for $12

Pay 10% "commission" to the Binafakir Con-sultans

Eat

Burp

Sell $120 million wind catching tuna farm set-up and 10 Merc Benz cars to crony for $1

Pay 10% "commission" to the Binafakir Con-sultans

Burp

Serve with codswallop!

Donplaypuks® and burn our economy recipes, man!

NEW AMBASSADORSHIPS FOR OLD? BUY ORDER OF PM GROSSEMAJIB!

by Ban Ki Moo, Donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for cow ambassadorship affairs

Following the national massive BUY ELECTIONS, Prime Minister Grossemajib  and her husband Grossmah who wears the skirts, have embarked on a bold and highly original and innovative initiative to make the nation's presence felt worldwide, and to protect its sovereign diplomatic rights internationally.

This follows hot on the heels of their earlier bold and highly original and innovative, but, dismal initiative failures, in spending on PR campaign after campaign without any positive results. $100 million on 1 APCO (Israel), $55 million 1 anti-Sarawak Report fiasco (CLICK HERE) and $30 million 1Mongolia Endless Possibilities (of repeated corruption and failures, of Endless Possibilities of Endless Failures, cancelled before it started), were all dismissed by Prime Minister Grossemajib and her husband Grossmah who wears the skirts, as "a mere drop in the (taxpayers') ocean." 

Prime Minister Grossemajib  and her husband Grossmah who wears the skirts, were undeterred and undaunted by their 100% failure rate. "We unreservedly beliefs in 1Malaysia Bolih (Can Go Bankrupt). We can do 1More. Thrust us," they bleated, true to the nature of sheep shearers fleecing wool from innocent and helpless lamb, and starved leeches promising on their mothers' graves to exercise sucking restraint on naked legs crossing the Pahang River.

Borrowing a leaf from ex-acerbic (now chemically, in solidarity with Syria, acidic, sarinic and vinegarish) PM Mahathir, more popularly known as Maha Firaun (Great Pharoah), PM Grossemajib and her husband Grossmah who wears the skirts, decided on a wee bit of paradigm shafting.

Ditching the time honoured, ridiculous and mindless 'follow the herd' principle of appointing experienced government-employed career diplomats to head embassies, PM Grossemajib and her husband Grossmah who wears the skirts decided to outsource the appointment of ambassadors to a $2 paid-up private limited company. This, as explained by (New Economic) Transformation Driver Head at the PMO, Roti Jala, was wholly in keeping with the spirit of the BUMNO/SCUMNO government's 44-year old policy of creating risk free Ali Baba instant millionaire and billionaire entrepreneurs, as an inspiration to the starving masses.

This company, 1Buy1Ambassador S/B (BUY1, FREE1 promo currently underway till end 2018, terms & conditions apply), appointed by open tender but direct negotiation, has been given a 10-year tax free Pioneer Status, with an interest free government grant/budget of $10 billion per year, which can be increased by 30% every three years, on demand (by 1Buy1Ambassador S/B). There is no rumour to the truth that Tan Sri Grossmajibby, 99.99% shareholder and MD of 1Buy1Ambassador S/B is either kin or kith or a crony of Prime Minister Grossemajib  and her husband Grossmah who wears the skirts, or of BUMNO/SCUMNO.

We understand 1Buy1Ambassador S/B operates in thothal secrecy, and its records and files are classified under the draconian OSIBISA (Offical Secrets, Intelligence, Banking and Internal Security Act). But Donplaypuks®, through its covert network of brothers and sisters in Wikileaks, and direct line to Edward Snowden and Russian Premier Putout in Moscow, managed to get hold of the, as yet, publicly undisclosed and unannounced list of thothally new ambassadors to be appointed by PM Grossemajib and her husband Grossmah who wears the skirts. 

Read and gape in astoundment and astonishing wonder! How original and inventive the Grossemajib's are!  

Remember, you read it here first!

1.  Ambassador to Kerala, Apple, GE and Warren Buffet's Berkshire Hathway Inc - Author of "Level Playing Field Dilemma? Innovate with Quotas Forever and No Meritocracy At All" Mahathir Koya Kutty aka Maha Firaun (Great Pharoah).

2. Ambassador to the Vatican - "Freedom of Speech and Religion - Storm the Bar Council Open Forum' Zolkples Nordin, LBW (leg before wicked).

3.  Ambassador to Mongolia - Razak Aminah Scorepenis Baginda from Oxford.

4. Ambassador to the Pampas of Argentina - Gaucho Gauche Sharizat Zain from Bangsar Cow Condo.

5.  Ambassador to KKK HQ, Atlanta, Georgia, USA - I.Ali aka I.Katak.

6.  Ambassador to Israel - Author of Kg. Racisma best seller 'Your DNA Can Be Changed Anytime By Converting' Ridpest Tee.

7. Ambassador for Creative Licence to Hollywood, Bollywood and Tonkywood Tandas Puteris - S. Sigh Baba. (apparently she initially declined because she was not too familiar with passing motion pictures).

8. Ambassador to Homeland Security and CIA, USA - Geng 50 'I Polis Raja' Boss and ex-I Raja Polis, Big Moose 'I Always Tell The Truth' Hasan.

9. Ambassador to IMF, World Economic Forum and Exxon Corp - Ulama F. Bari, author of  international best seller 'God determines fuel and nasi lemak price hikes.'

10.  Ambassador to Toledo, Spain, and Sheffield, world famous deep throat sword-swallowing technique centres - Kerismudin Hishamuddin.

11. Ambassador to Birkin Bags, Hermès, Paris, France - PM Grossemajib and her husband Grossmah who wears the skirts.

12. Ambassador to Transparency International, Berlin, Germany - 'You don't have a river for my cost over-inflated $ billion bridge? No problem, we'll build the river! 'Wigs' Sam Velu.

13. Ambassador to South India Small Shrines & Big Temples Council  - Ustaz Dunggu Adnan.

14. Ambassador to Iran, Iraq, Syria, Saudi, India, Egypt, Turkey, Lybia, Morocco, Pakistan and all other Stans - blogger "Inside the Indian-Muslim Box but pretending to be Bumiputra.'

15. Ambassador to the United Nations - 'We are all of 1 Race, My Race' DPM MopeyDopeyGrumpy Din. 

Have I left out any? Are Malaysian ambassadorships up for sale? Nah.... couldn't be, could it?

Donplaypuks® with ambassadors and ambassadorships, man!

70% OF MALAYSIAN ENGLISH TEACHERS NOT FIT TO TEACH? MANGLISH TO ENGLISH 1.01!!

"70% OF MALAYSIAN ENGLISH TEACHERS NOT FIT TO TEACH." M2day.

CLICK HERE.

by prof henry higgins doolittle, Donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for manglish and inggeris appairs

ONE FINE MORNING AT SM SUBANG PASU (SECONDARY SCHOOL) AT 8 A.M.

Good morning, everyone.

Good morning,Teacher.

We’ll let’s begin today, the first day of school, with English 1.01, which you must master if our nation is to achieve its target for Information & Computer Technology (ICT) by 2020. We have to start anew. Forget what you learnt in the past.

For today, we will go through some very basic ‘do’s and dont’s. Then, to complete the course, over the next six months, we will start tomorrow with foundation work, i.e. bricks and mortar stuff – grammar - and move on to punctuation, sentence construction, pronunciation, conversations, essays and precis.

(All) Yes, teacher.

Let’s start with Verb/ Adverb and Noun/Adjective. A verb indicates some form an action and an adverb the type of action e.g. He was driving fast. `Driving’ is the verb and ‘fast’ the adverb.

Similarly a noun describes an object, person or thing and an adjective describes the noun e.g. ‘This is a red ball.’ Ball’ is the noun and ‘red’ is the adjective.

(All) Verb/Ad….’

Now, repeat after me ‘e’ before ‘i’, except when ‘c’ comes first.’

(All) ‘e before i…..’

Good. That’s why it’s ‘achieve’ when c comes first, but ‘neither’, when there’s no c.

Also, remember the either/or and neither/nor rule. E.g. ‘Neither he nor his friend skipped school.’ Or ‘You should use either plastic or plain brown paper for your text-book covers.’

Repeat after me.

(All) ‘Either/or and …….’

Excellent! Now, especially, Indians. The phrase ‘isn’t it’ only applies to sentences which start with ‘It’ in the form of a question, e.g. ‘It is true that you were absent, isn’t it?’ ‘Isn’t it ‘ and ‘is it’ are not a phrases to be attached universally to any and every sentence which is a question, UNDERSTAND!!

(All) Yes, teacher.

‘Isn’t it’ cannot be used in ANY of the following types of sentences:-

‘You were going home, isn’t it?’ - WRONG!! Since ‘were’ is past tense, the question should be ‘weren’t you?’

‘Lingam was going to make a phone call , isn’t it?’ - WRONG!! Since ‘was going’ is past continuous tense - the question should be ‘wasn’t he?’

‘The children will be playing football, isn’t it?’ - WRONG!! Since ‘will be playing’ is future tense - the question should be ‘won’t they?’

‘You think I am a trolley-dolly, is it?’ – WRONG!! You think I am a trolley-dolly, do you?’

Understand? Please repeat after me.

(All) Excellent! Now especially Ind…….

Now, the Chinese. You cannot include the word ‘one’ wherever you like in a sentence e.g. ‘I wish to deposit some cash in my bank account one.’ Or, ‘Why you so like that one?’ or ‘When you talk like that one, I don’t know what to say one. ’The word ‘one’ should be left out completely in these instances.

Also, get this right!! ‘Rai’, ‘Latok’, ‘Can I lend your badminton racket’ or ‘Eh, borrow me your pencil’ should be Right. Dato. Can I borrow your badminton racket. Eh, lend me your pencil.

Also, you should pronounce these words properly – It is ‘try’, not ‘tchai’; ‘special’, not ‘specer’; ‘die’, not ‘dieded’; twelve, not tchelf. Tiew Bor? Repeat after me!!

(All) Tiu…..

Now, the Malays – Wis, Lah, Kan, Steady-lah brudder, Jom – these have no place in English language. Do not drop d, t and s at the end of words e.g. ‘comment, not commen,’ ‘experiment, not experimen’ ‘defence, not defen, ‘depend, not depen.’

It is ‘with’ not ‘wis.’ It is 'that means' not 'that's means.'

Now all repeat after me, ‘The following Malay and Chinese words may not be included anywhere in an English sentence, in speech or in writing –, Alamak, Adoi, Shiok, Leh, Mah, Lor and Kaninawi. E.g ‘Come over to my house, lah’ or ‘Adoi, what happened to your face?’ or “When you buy that T-shirt you get another one free lor ’ or ‘I went to pay the bills, mah!’ or ‘Kaninawi, what did you call my father?’ or ‘This ice cream, very the shiok one.’

(All) ‘Now, esp….Malays…..’

Good. Next, repeat after me, ‘it is ‘Total’ not ‘Thothal’, ‘Tomato’ not Thomatho.’ Similarly, ‘better’ not ‘betther’ etc. etc In English there is no silent ‘h’ after the letter ‘T’ or ‘C.’ In particular, for proper nouns, e.g. if a person’s name is Chandran, you may not spell or pronounce it ‘Candran,’ or spell it as ‘Cina’ when you mean the country ‘ China.’. Don’t pronounce ‘Canada’ as Chanada. It should be ‘Chit Chat’ not ‘Cit Cat.’

(All) ‘It is Total not Th…..’

Good. Now repeat after me, ‘There are no such things as ‘American English’ or ‘Microsoft English.’ Hence, it is ‘nationalise, not ‘nationalize’. criticise not criticize, demonise not demonize, neighbour, not neighbor, rumour not rumor.

(All) There is no such thing as Am….

Good. Now for some major pronunciation errors by local TV newsreaders and those from a neighbouring unknown country across the causeway. Repeat after me,’Some capitals of countries in Asia are,’ Tokyo not Thokyoh, Jakarta not Jicarter, Taipeh not Thighpay, New Delhi not New Del Hee.’

(All) Some capitals of……

Good. That is all for today. For homework, to be handed in by Wednesday, please complete Exercise 1 – 3 in your 'English Reader for Idi… er… no, Beginners.'

That’s all for now Teachers. There’s a long way to go, another six months at least, before I let you loose on Secondary 1 students.

(All) Thank you, Teacher Trainer!!

dontchplaypuks® with my english one, man!!