OF NATIONAL SERVICE, KORPO TIKUS KEPTENS and RUBBING PUSSIES! – to be read in conjunction with ‘donplaypuks® Havoxbridge International Dictionary of Manglish”

or starry, starry night!

by tom feline of malaysiasoros@kininsider.con, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for pussy affairs 

Two men sat down ashen faced at their writing tables in their separate palatial offices as they stared at the letters they had just received and opened.

One was a Korpo Tikus Kepten and the other an acerbic apanama octogenarian, Rama Maha Firaun the First aka Pak Tak Bajet.

Their shock was somewhat mitigated by the fact that the envelopes still bore the standard 30 cent stamp as opposed to the new 100% increased 60 cent ones effective 1st July. Of course PM Rosemajib’s 1M’sia ‘Heads I Win, Tails You Lose’ policy meant that the suckee and hittee to make up for Pos Tak Laju’s (Snail Mail) $500 million write off in its investment in fraudulent Transmiremishmarshed Corp Plc  was, and no prizes for guessing right - THE PEOPLE!! Ra, Ra, Ra!!!

Tan Sir LingamLingam, or DD (double dickhead as he was affectionately known in the kottai sri lankan circles, not Dare Devil) had been called up for National Service (NS). Surely, it was a mistake? Surely that fake and fraudulent con job NS was for school leavers and not for Korpo Tikus Keptens suffering from foot-in-mouth disease?

But this was NS of another kind. Tan Sir LingamLingam aka Double Dickhead was so incensed his face turned Thaipusam purple.

“How dare the Rosemajibs take this kind of blatant liberties? Who do they think they are? Who do they think I am? I kthin, therefore I sexist! What do they know about logic or philosophy or  honour, ethics, principles, duty and loyalty to one’s people?

I’m no sucker to do NS for a mere $10 million flip-over profit of Mykaka shares. After all Wigs and his son hit Mykaka for a cool $100 million which is my minimum going rate!!” fumed an outraged DD.

Ring! Ring!Ring!

“Hellow, who dat?”

“Rosemajib and his cat, C4.”

“Which one and what happened to C 1, 2 and 3?”

“The kind that has fur, purrs, says miaow and chases and swallows whole Korpo Rat Keptens for NS and donations!”

“Idiot! Is this the Rosemajib who wears the pants?”

“Idiot! We both wear pants!!”

“Fool! Your voices sound the same. Lower than Permaisuri first lady status Rosemajib or is it the Port Dickson Rosemajib?”

“PD!”

“Oh, sorry. Now I’m standing to attention, Sir!! Wazzup?”

“You got my letter, DD?”

“Yes Tuan, but I no can do NS!”

“What do you want? I am now the Sith Jedi Master Planner of the Realm. Can you help me? Can we we do a deal? Gua tolong lu, lu tolong gua! You scratch my back, I’ll have you massaged in any 3-way reflexcoxolgy spa anywhere in the world. Got the message?”

“Oh, if you put it that way, I have a $100 million itch where the sun don't shine.”

“Agreed! A Bank of Israel cheque for $101 million will be signed Monday and hand delivered to you by my personal couriers Safar, Safri, Norhayati and Buyong (not Pos Laju) Wednesday morning. Don try and cash it locally will you? Take a flight to Tel Aviv. Understood?”

“Ya wohl, mein Fuehrer!”

‘Oh, shut up you oily creep!”

And thus a famous National Service contract hit deal was negotiated directly as the wily amoral principals and master and servant crapped on the heads of you tired, you poor, huddled and wretched masses as you yearned to breathe free and head for safe shores! 

The Rosemajibs ticked off another national headache from their ‘Urgent To Do’ List.

Elsewhere, a tired, sick and frustrated lonely old Indian Muslim doctor nearly choked on his favourite loaf of japanese raisin bread. His sex life sure could do with some raisin’ from the dead! He gaped with open mouth at the letter that had landed on his $1 million certified authentic (by Chrysty’s of Petaling Street) Queen Anne desk in his palatial offices on the 85th floor of the Suria Twin Towers.

You could, on a clear day when not blocked and beset by swirling clouds in violet haze, see from the over-sized windows of this opulent office on which no expense was spared, the vaults of the Bank of Israel in Singapore and possibly, even Tel Aviv or Buenos Aires!

So, Rama Maha Firaun the 1st aka Pak Tak Bajet, ex-Sith Jedi Master Planner of the Realm decided to make a call.

Ring! Ring! Ring!

“Is that Rosemajib?”

“Which Rosemajib do you wish to speak to”

“The one wearing pants and having a pussy!”

“We both wear pants, but I don’t have a pussy!”

“Ah, then I want the one who doesn’t sell carpets or sing karaoke off key all the time! The one having a cat!”

“Ah, that’ll be me then.”

“Ah yes, the $7.3 billion 2^nd hand scorepenis submarine seller! Listen up! We only have 1/3 of the Malay votes. What do you have to say to that?”

“Brilliant! That’s 1/3 more than I have! And besides, you yourself are an accomplished 2nd hand car salesman, aren't you with that copy cat ElectronNuetron Motors? Would your own wife trust and buy a brand new car from you, never mind a 2nd hand one?”

“Nincompoop! Never answer a question with another question! At this rate, you will lose the next General Elections for us!”

“US? Aren’t you responsible for the whole mess? But don worry, I have my trump card. My ace up the sleeve as it were.”

‘You’ll have the Rakyat’s boot up your pussy’s and your rear end if you fool yourself into believing your own $77 million paid APCO advertorials in Jewish and the Satan’s (USA) newspapers, and for spindoctored 72% popularity “public opinion polls.” Did you hear me, you’ll be history at the next GE!!”

“I wouldn’t bet on it. Remember WE, and I mean WE, have a shared destiny with starry, starry night?”

“What’s Van Gogh got to do with it?”

“Listen you old c..t, er no, codger, I meant China blue eyes Vincent, OUR Vincent – Ladbrokes, turf accountants, football pools, Lionel Messi, FIFA World Cup betting...get the drift?”

“Ah, now I geddit the drift! Of course, how silly of me to forget. But the cheating ‘hand of god’ Maradona and 'hand job' Thierry Henri are more my heroes. And what's in it for me when the $2 billion betting licence is awarded 'free' to Vincy Van Gogh by no open tender direct nego? Can my son be.....”

“Water boy? Of course! Done!”

“Wtf are you talking about, fat boy lard-de-do trained economist?”

“Jokin onny! Non-exec non-sackable onerous Chairmanship with salary of $2 million plus six months guaranteed bonus payable in advance, stock options, latest Merc limo with driver, corpo rat cheese and jet, penthouse office, bungalow house in Tamanbangtunkennydamanshires...the sky’s the limit? Done!”

“Oh, and pension for life, 1st class air travel and accommodations, medical insurance, 2 months paid leave with free overseas holiday to belly-dancing Morocco.....?”

“You do strike a hard social contract, old man. Done! Lu tolong gua, gua tolong lu (You rub my pussy, I’ll rub yours).”

“Ah, now I understand what you tried to say to me. And how you sufffered for your sanity. How you tried to set them free from roti jala bankruptcy. They would not listen, they did not know how. Perhaps they never will! This world was never meant for one as beautiful as Aminah Altant...oops, can’t say that. 

And I’ll tell KKK Abraham  Ali Baba and Perkosong to...”

“Go fly Kelantan kites...after all Vincy baby has him in his pocket! And do take time to smell the daffodils.”

donplaypuks® with our korpo rat keptens, man!!

“For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.” Wordsworth.

Extracts from ‘donplaypuks® Havoxbridge International Dictionary of Manglish’:

Apanama – an affectionate public reference to Rama Maha Firaun The First

Acerbic – an affectionate public reference to Rama Maha Firaun The First

Dickhead – a person born with his genitals where his brains ought to be

Double Dickhead – a person born with his genitals hanging out of his brains minus the bollocks, and does not know it’s hanging there

Bajet – a Klingon word coined by Rama Maha Firaun the First aka Pak Tak Bajet meaning:

 a licence for Govt to spend without accounatbility or transparency. Etymology of bajet – ‘baja’ from malay for fertilizer, et – extra-terrestrial, hence ‘bajet’ also referred to commonly as Legalised Govt Horse Manure Fraudulent Spending Shit!

Korpo Tikus Kepten – Corpo Rat Captain meaning:

a croney controlling fraudtrepreneur shareholder and CEO of a monopolistic money laundering pubic listed company fronting for a political party

Pak Tak Bajet - an affectionate public reference to Rama Maha Firaun The First

Rama Maha Firaun The First – an apanama acerbic Octogenarian retired ex-Sith Jedi Master Planner of the Realm who was famous for not budgeting and for regularly and consistently breaking the kitty

Social Contract – a local contract which adheres to the time honoured principle of ‘heads I win, tails you lose and either way you pay all the taxes since you are all immigrants while we are your lords and masters.’

Wigs – an affectionate public reference to Sir Wigneswaran Vetrichicken65varuvalvelu A/L P.Kottai, in-charge Sith Jedi Master Planner of The Realm for the Works and leader of Kesatuan Alam Liga India Neopolitik Ganga Arya (KALINGA), who 100% knows all the bald facts.

PEOPLE TESTING LAB (BUTCHER HOUSE) IN PARAMESWARA STATE! RUN FOR THE HILLS OR LONDON!

by macaque macaca malaka, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for charnel parfume and lipsticks


Shere Can 1, of the turkish variant constitutional species of panthera tigris jacksoni or the Malayan Tiger of 13 stripes and the old Lord Towering Glocal of the fetid and fecund jungle of Parameswara State majestically positioned himself in the tight cockpit with his mate as he broke wind in confined space. 

He cleared his throat deeply as he peered through the rose tinted kristal clear state-of-the-art halal Zeiss protoscoped periscoped lenses of his brand new $35 million France-Tigris (FT) light manoeuvrable armored tank. It was impenetrable, even with liberal gobs of KY Jelly lining, to any handheld shoulder launched RPG (rocket-propelled grenade) anti-tank shell and even laser guided missile. Or so, the manufacturer claimed, but no one knew its true capabilities since it had never been tested in any war. And the Tigris Govt, with record national debts of $362 billion rising at 12% per annum compounded could not afford to sacrifice even one in live ammo tests, though iPadPod Avatar-like touchy-feely computer simulations showed brilliant results.

The USA Sherman tank-like prototype effort, like the cutaway picture above, one of 231 in a $8 billion France-Tigris collaborators' contract, had been meant for UN observation duty in Afghanistan. But due to a slight manufacturing defect, it came in with the tank graffiti paint-sprayed in phosphorent yellow with "I'M WITH STUPID" in block letters, welded at its base to bricks, it's dual kerosene/petrol fuel driven engine and caterpillar treads missing on both sides and at double the standard weight specifications. It was immediately hailed a national success with six month's bonus paid to each of the management and assembly-line staff engaged on the project!!

There were no rumours to the truth that the missing highly OSA/ISA classified dual fuel system, engines and caterpillars had found their way to Iran, Uruguay, Melbourne, Ulan Bator, Uzbikinistan, Manchester or London. Or that the Attorney General would be applying for extradition proceedings against the treasonous 'missing' parts, though Tank Field Marshal Desert Fox Rommel Montgomery's recommendations for a 300-strong force (including wives, children and Indonesian garuda maids) to investigate a tanks' spare parts cannibalising international syndicate based in Morocco and Libya was approved by Joint Forces Chief, Hog-nosed Skunk Toyo of Blackwood Hills!!

So, the lone $35 million FT tank, the pride (and prejudice) of local denizens was stationed permanently on top of Parameswara State Hill to the amazement of touristy Iberian (Portugal) wolves and lynx who nevertheless slotted in $5 coins for an unmatched protoscoped periscoped fish-eye view of the panaromic surroundings and sea while they dabbed their eyes with clinically sterilised cotton swabs, inside and out for double DNA soaked tears, for the privilege!

All seemed well, but all was definitely NOT nigh!

Rumblings in the apevine hinted at unrest among the animals. Forest depletion to oil palm estates, unchecked property development, new toll highways, 12 damn dams, smoke and pollution belching aluminium smelter plants, small 100-acre lots for Chief Ministers and croneys and such had led to much loss of favourite jungle hunting grounds. Prolonged droughts forced many beasts to look for food and water in fringe human land and eventually, humans, as the primary source of fast food.

That was ok for the onmivores and the carnivores. But what about the herbivores and total vegans? How could they know which humans were safe to eat or of the the long-term dangers posed by consuming silicon filled breasts or side effects from squaffing barbequed liposucked buttocks, plastic surgeried noses and penile extensions? Good god, even the male of the human species was not above indulging in "Brazilian butt lifting" and surgical enhancement of their hind quarters through synthetic implants and injection of fat! Then there's all that lard-laden Mcdonald's extruded french, oops no, freedom fries, beef burgers and aspartame-laced diet-coke and cola. There were coke sniffers, grass and crack smokers, amphetamine swallowers, heroin injectors  and ice addicts who even insert it anally!! 

It was literally a minefield out there, a dilemma of biblical proportions! Someone and some way had to be found to evaluate which human was fit for consumption and which not; which parts of their bodies were tastier and which parts were safe or not for frenzied live blood oozing and spurting feasting! Was the female homo sapien as safe for consumption as the male or was there a primal curse and price to pay? Could you roast her in a fig leaf? Was white meat as good or as safe as brown, yellow and black? Which had more protein and which was carbo loaded or fat?

As far as animalia was concerned, the philosophical, ethical and moral aspects of eating humans did not of course quite figure in the equation. But what of the sagging flesh of the sub-prime mortgage selling con artists from AIG? Or the marrowless and spineless bones of Goldman Sachs who hawked and short sold Collaterised Debt Obligations (CDO) and Credit Default Swap (CDS) instruments before unloading billions of them as 'good as gold' investments to their unsuspecting clients? The tongues of the WMD lying Bush and Blair-types - should you swallow them raw  and whole or have them salted and pickled in brine first to be safe and sure?  Will a goulash of the belly of Soros-like forex speculator and Maha Firaun racists be too bile and adrenalin infected and poisonous? Can the thick-skinned shoulder meat and drumstick-thigh quarters of UMNO rent seekers, ali baba fraudtrepreneurs and the "lu tolong gua, gua tolong lu"  (you pick and eat my tick, I'll pick and eat yours!) Prime Ministerial monkey types be marinated and tenderised before searing or frying in fat? And tenderise with what - dilute or concentrated nitric acid? Wasn't their skin too toxic to be penetrated by fangs and claws to lay tongue on? How could you tell?

So the Tigers consulted the wise owl, Rabbits Warren Eat As Much as You Can for $10 Buffet, (No GST yet & 7% off for some ) otherwise known also as the Kosher Sausage of Zion, for $77 million fees per year excluding expenses and disbursements. Much extensive lab session were held throughout the country with humans fed on an excessive diet of oily roti jala to gauge their reaction to shock, but much needed, therapy. The results were further augmented and supported by highly rated Nielsen public polls where 2,000 unemployed male humans were asked:

"Do you want a job that pays $10,000 a month doing nothing more than smoking cigarettes, trying on eco-friendly jungle lipstick, charnel perfumes and being injected now and then with new vitamins, vaccines and medicines while lying all day long in bed and watching endless repeats of P. Ramlee's 'Ali Baba Bujang Lapok'  on TV Tak Mahu Station?" 

Surprisingly many humans said "yes" with the rider that to make sure, the government should throw in the full mindless and totally depraved 'Desperately  Screwing Housewives' and 'Sex and/in the Jungle' series as well.

And thus was born the $5 billion '10MPNEPNEM People Testing Centre' which soon became more popularly known among humans as Butcher House! The contract details of Butcher House were duly secretised under OSIBISA (Official Secrets, Intelligence, Banking and Insurance Act). Butcher House was built right on top of that hill after the 500-year old colonial Portuguese fort was completely demolished! Surely the philistines cannot object on the grounds of preservation of heritage, history, architecture and history where business and billions of $ of foreign direct investments are involved, can they?

And of course the croney beneficiary of the contract were the Buaya (crocodiles) and of course it was a 30-year monopoly funded by a 100% Tiger Government R&D Grant with a pre-contract advance of $6 billion, subsidised interest at 2%, and the standard standby failure buy-back clause with full capital and profit compensation guarantees in case the supply of humans did not meet the moderately projected targets of 30 million a year!!! There was also that standard moderate budget of $100 million for "overseas visit and study" trips, locally known as "lawatan sambil belajar" to the camps at Auschwitz, Belsen Belsen and Treblinka, with side trips to the belly-eating capitals of Morocco and Libya, for a 300-strong delegation,including wives, families and Indonesian garuda maids!

Butcher House was a roaring success - for the concessionaires of course! White rhino and cobra feasted on the abundant delicacy of pickled oriental penis; sharks, whales, dolphins and porpoises drank gallons of japanese, russian and norwegian ear-lobe soup at weddings; pangolins on taiwanese boiled hairless shelled testicles; snails and horses favoured garlic and ginger laced rare french tenderloin and rump steaks while the apes, orangutans and chimps just loved that flambe of brandy sprinkled open skull honkie brain with its owner live and kicking while still wedged under the table!! Goats and cows roamed the plains and valleys and hill sides while ruminating late morning and chewing cud of indian and malay salted jerky! Cod and salmon gormandized on mamakhead curry served on nasi kandar or instant 3-minute maggie noodles with the squinty succulent eyes especially much favoured as a delicacy.

After all, was it not God who had decreed that anything that walked on two legs was fair game? Four legs good, Two legs, better! Heh, heh, Heh!

Oh, and there was more - italian and french hide handbags, pants, skirts and overcoats much loved by brand conscious crocodiles, panthers and leopards were the delight of the haute couture, pret a porter and moda this and moda that fashion shows all over south east asia. There was no limit or end to these parties.

But prime cuts of human meat from their Great Leaders, Firauns, War Lords, Trained Economists and their wives, Chief Ministers and lastly KKK Perkosong Ali and his right wing lieutenants were missing from the almost complete menu one could ever ask for. Most from this sub-class of homo sapiens were seen to have departed in hordes to their $50 and $100 million palatial homes in London, Sydney, New York and Paris and the south of France when news of Butcher House first surfaced. 

As to their true loyalty to their native land and how they had accumulated such fabulous Midas/Croesus-like wealth, why ask?

It's the law of the jungle!!

And then the shit really hit the fan when the Trained Economist and his Chief Minister said the licence for Butcher House while approved, had not been awarded, and that it was not final yet!

donplaypuks® with animal rights, man!

THE GHOST OF TBH REVISITED!

by the ghost of banquo, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for spirit-ual affairs

"Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble" so the coven of three witches in Shakespeare's 'Macbeth' chanted as they stirred and divined the boiling, steaming water and vapours to predict the spilling of blood and of teachery and death! But at least there we eventually get to know the whys and the wherefores. 

But, one from among our cabal of learned judges recently made a startling ruling.

He decided that our de facto Law Minister was NOT in contempt of court for publicly condemning an expert witness "a liar" in the (forever) ongoing coroner's inquest into the "sudden death" of Teoh Boon Hock (TBH) while in the custody of Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission (MACC).

The learned judge felt that the Minister's utterances, though reported widely in the MSM and online news portals, were his private opinions and should not be confused with his usual sagacity, peerless wisdom and tact while boffing his official public hat.

Now how did the judge divine when a Minister is deemed to be wearing his private hat and when his public one? By stirring the cauldron?

It appears the judge was "persuaded" by the eleventh hour intervention of a Deputy Public Prosecutor (DPP) from the Attorney General's (AG) Chambers, a turban wallah who had argued the case for the Minister, and not as you would have expected, for the PUBLIC! Turban Wallah had waxed in scintillating casuistry that it was the internet newspaper which broke news of the Minister's gaffe which ought to be certainly charged with "something". Perish the thought that news agencies and online portals should merely report the truth, verbatim! Should they not have excercised, as in the era of ex-PM Mahathir, "voluntary censorship" and suppressed it or put a spin on it a la a certain $77 million government appointed international spindoctor outfit? How shameful!

In any event, this verdict, unless overruled by the Court of Appeal or Federal Court, has opened the floodgates for anyone able to string two sentences together, to criticize and pass opinion on  any judge, AG, DPP, lawyer/solicitor and witnesses during any ongoing trial, by claiming "it's only my private hat/madcap opinion"!!

To recap briefly, in July 2009, MACC had been investigating allegations that several DAP assemblymen had corruptly accepted kickbacks by submitting fictitious claims amounting to several millions of dollars for community welfare projects. TBH, an ex-journalist and personal aide to DAP Selangor Assemblyman Ean Yong had gone to MACC's 15th floor offices in Plaza Masalam, Shah Alam, Selangor on 15th July 2009 to assist them as a witness. In Ean Yong's case the matter under MACC's scrutiny was a stupendous claims invoice for $2,000. TBH's dead body was found on a 5th floor roof of Plaza Masalam at 1.30 p.m. on 16th July 2009, with clear evidence he had exited MACC's offfice via their 15th floor office window, the broken latch of which was found next to his body!!

Please click here for my earlier blog on TBH's death in July 2009.

MACC claimed TBH had actually been "released" from its custody at 3.45 a.m. on 16th July but was last seen at 6.30 a.m. sleeping on a sofa in the lobby of their office and that his unexpected sudden death was voluntary suicide. His laptop, handphone and car keys remained in MACC's custody!! In response to public fury, PM Najib promised that "no stone will be left unturned in getting to the bottom of TBH's tragic death" which heralded a coroner's inquest to be followed, if necessary, by a Royal Commission of Inquiry.

Matters have been somewhat thrown into confusion with one foreign expert pathologist, Dr. Pornthip  Rojanasunand from Thailand testifying that there was an 80% probability TBH was killed. This led to a second post mortem and MACC appointing UK pathologist Professor Dr.Peter Vanezis as an expert witness. 

Vanezis, with over 25 years experience and impressive qualifications and credentials (he had testified at Princes Diana's death inquest) testified that the evidence did NOT indicate TBH had been manually strangled to death, there were no pre-fall injuries and that he had been fully conscious as he exited the MACC office window and fell to his death. This favours the voluntary suicide hypothesis, though Vanezis admitted he coud not rule out that TBH could have been semi-conscious as he fell.

So, where do we stand on TBH's cause of death, almost 12 month's after his demise?

Firstly, we can safely rule out that either Pornthip or Vanezis were "bought" to give contradicting testimonies. I firmly believe these are professionals who would never stoop so low as to ruin their sterling integrity and reputations. Cases of expert witnesses differing in their conclusions in the same case are legion, but does little to resolve the issue at hand.

So, we must look elsewhere for guidance. 

I am reminded of a 1980's UK tax evasion case involving a firm called Rossminster Limited. Rossminter was so brilliant at exploiting tax law loopholes and concocting elaborate tax avoidance schemes using offshore tax havens that the Inland Revenue Board eventually invoked its draconian powers to raid all their offices and cart away some 40 lorry loads of documents and files. This led to Rossminster closing down its business permanently, even though the IRB did not subsequently charge then with a single offence!!

In one of the earlier cases where the IRB had taken Rossminster to court, it was obvious the prosecution team did not have a clue which laws, if any, Rossminster had transgressed in a transaction where the money trail traced a path from local charities, dividend payments and rapid company liquidations in tax havens in Jersey, Cayman Island, Bahamas, Guernsey, Netherlands and all over the world resulting in tax savings amounting to hundreds of millions of $ for their client.

There is a fine line between tax avoidance (legal) and tax evasion (illegal). The law also clearly says no person is bound to legally arrange his tax affairs in such a manner as to pay the maximum amount of tax to the Govt!! Faced with this huge dilemma, the honourable judge made a famous decision. 

His view was that if you removed all the smokescreens, red herrings, debris and dust from the transaction, it was clear that the sole purpose of Rossminster's artificial paper shuffling was to pay as little or no tax at all. In fact no funds had actually physically left London, but the virtual convoluted money path was perfectly recorded according to statutes by the world's leading expert in screwing the Govt and making the rich, even richer!!

Here's how I will apply the Rossminster case to Teoh Boon Hock. 

Let's remove everyone else from the case - coroner, lawyers, MACC, expert pathologits, the whole jingbang lot. What's clear is that prior to his death TBH was:

1. securely employed by DAP Assemblyman Ean Yong who would have taken good care of his bright prospects and future.
2. a happy 30-year old young man in the prime of his life.
3. planning to register his marriage to his fiance on 17th July 2009.
4. not considering evading his responsibilities to his fiance who was pregnant with their child.
5. planning to have a proper Chinese wedding later in 2009 and had openly discussed it with his parents, family, future in-laws and friends, one of whom had already been appointed his best man.
6. fully supported by his parents and family for his wedding expenses (and besides the ang pows in a chinese weddings would usually result in a profit for the happy couple).
7. present at MACC's offices voluntarily as a witness and not a suspect, having gone there with laptop, records and a promise of returning the next day with more files from his office for a transaction of a puny $2,000!!
8. not suffering from insanity or any mental depression or had ANY history of it whatsoever.

One only has to witness the forlorn figures of TBH's parents and family present every day at the coroner's inquest and seeking justice to tell you they KNOW suicide was impossible for their son!! There is also that suspicious testimony of a trained and experienced MACC Investigating Officer (IO) at the death scene, inexplicably panicking and dashing off to his HQ in Putrajaya to meet his superiors for several hours of discussions, consultation and instructions??!!

Given these FACTS, does it stand to reason TBH would have voluntarily committed suicide, at of all places in MACC's offices? Why didn't he call his parents/fiance or go home immediately as any person would normally have,  after 3.45 a.m. when the MACC says they released him? And if he was released why were his car keys still in the MACC's possession? Something doesn't quite gel in this reported version and sequence of events!!

There have been insinuations by scurillous bloggers that TBH's fiance was actually expecting Ean Yong's child. Another alleged TBH had been having an affair with an old school friend. That's all been superbly substantiated by nothing more than "info from anonymous sources"??!!

Some suggested that TBH had only a couple of thousand $ in his bank account, was overwhelmed with depression about it while at MACC's offices, and so jumped to his death!! This really defies belief in a country where routinely 21-25-year olds get hitched without the benefit of 2 fifty cent coins in their pockets and father 3-5 children within 5-7 years of marriage!! Young love and sex pull factor will brook no opposition. Did anyone investigate to find out out if he had investments in fixed deposits, the share market or had placed a downpayment for a new house/home seeing as to how he was soon going to start a happy family? (Recent testimonies in the separate cases of top cop Ramli Yusof, lawyer Rosli Dahlan and two jumping "frogs" in Perak suggest MACC's investigative techniques often range from perfunctory to downright shoddy!!).

Anothe blogger's hypothesis is that TBH was undone by a Triad/underworld linked witness/assemblyman (or possibly two) who had also been called to MACC's offices and who was/were also present there in the early hours of the morning of 16th July 2009. This is a combination of codswallop, cockamania and pure bollocks!!

Firstly, all these witnesses were there at MACC's offices at one and the same time by pure chance, not deliberate design. The witnesses were (presumably) not informed in advance by MACC about who would or would not be there! And it would take a remarkably cold, calculating, brilliantly spur of the moment improvising and seasoned assassin of 007 calibre to carpe diem and off TBH right there in MACC's fortress lair, carefully engineer his exit out the interrogation room window, walk away unseen and undetected by MACC staff, security cameras, guards and the general public within the building and its concourse!! Off him for what? An unproven iffy $2,000 offence by his boss?

There's not even an iota of logical evidence to hint at the voluntary suicide hypothesis!

That being the case, then the only logical conclusion to be drawn is that TBH died from non-voluntary cause (s).

That's not to suggest that anyone indulged in cold premeditated murder. But things have been known to get out of hand during long interrogations, especially where the alleged primary objective is to topple a state government and clueless witnesses are unreasonably suspected of engaging in cat-and-mouse stonewalling tactics!! The ongoing trial of a police officer charged with the death-in-custody of Kugan is possibly one such classic case; there are possibly over 2,000 such cases where statutory mandatory inquests have never been held, as revealed at the 2007 concluded Royal Commission of Inquiry (RCI) into the Independent Police Complaints and Misconduct Commission (IPCMC)!!

So, my dear honourable judge/coroner, custodian of law and order and truth and justice, start from the obvious and work upwards or it will come to haunt you forever!

I reiterate:

There's not a ghost of a chance Teoh Boon Hock voluntarily jumped to his death.

donplaypuks® with ghosts, man!!

$362/74 BILLION PINK AND GREEN ELEPHANTS IN THE LIVING ROOM!!

(click on pic for enlarged view)

or 'where did all that elephant poop come from?' 

by rambo keynes, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondents for e.con.comic affairs 

There is a World Cup game being played here by Rosemajib and No.1 Junior Mentor/Mental KPI Minister Roti Jala.

At the same time, the government's No.1 Senior Mentor/Mental KPI Minister, Going Tu Soon, has conveniently gone on "leave of abscence" to USA, possibly accompanied by the CEO of a certain plantation-based MNC which has just leaked a couple of billion $ in the oil soaked sands of Arabia and the tree-stripped gorges (destined to become like the sands of Arabia) of Bakun in Sarawak!!

It forebodes the somewhat long overdue departure from government of the No.1 Senior Mentor/Mental KPI Minister from a largely sinecure (sheikh-a-leg) position accommodated for him through the back door of prime ministerial largesse, after being booted out by the electorate at GE 2008. Now after Jala's coup de grace, the senior minister is left with ONLY two options - resignation and Hara Kiri (Seppuku) or Hara Kiri and then resignation. In Bolihland, all options are always on the table and all options and all permutations thereof are possible!! -

In good 'ol US of A CIA and army-speak it's called CYA or cover your ass strategy. Very often it results in real stragedy or egg in your face.

It involves employing David Copperfield-like legerdemain tricks of mind-blowing illusions, of quicker than the eye can see misdirections. Now you see it, now you don't, abracadabra and pulling white rabbits out of empty black top hat!!

But however you try, you can't pretend not to notice pink and green elephants right there in your living room, especially the ones blocking your view of the TV and live telecast of the World Cup Football Finals, can you? For God's sake, you can forgo sex for a month, but not the World Cup Football Finals!!??

So, you cry "wolf" where sheep abound and make stirring wild claims to stupefied kids about gigantic red herrings that got away in imaginary mountain lakes. Or you hint at dark Zionist and International Monetary Fund (IMF) conspiracies, oil running out or a whole nation going bankrupt by 2019. After all there's nothing like a little scaremongering to panic the people into peeing in their pants, is there? What great fun!!

Why, you might even engineer the odd sodomy trial to distract the masses.

Next you'd engage an Official Secrets Act (OSA) classified $77 million PR Spindoctor Outfit which is a past masters at obfuscation (read as, lies).

Because it's a battle for hearts and minds as well and you can't take an eye off the looming 2013 General Elections. And who was it who said "if you get them by the balls, the hearts and minds will naturally follow"?

Because there is this stupendous, gobsmacking $362 billion hole in the govern.., er no error, the Peoples' Balance Sheet and it just won't go away. Stubborn shit!

So, when is a govern..., er no, error, the Peoples' Transfer Payment a Subsidy?

Answer: When Rosemajib and Roti Jala insist upon it even when it is classified in the Government's Estimate of Operating Expenditure under Code 40000 - Transfer Payments, as so astutely tracked down by blogger-commenter- economics sleuth Wenger KJ of http://wengerkhairy.blogspot.com fame. Billions of $ of pachydermal poop you don't want to poke your nose into, you naughty immigrant and bumiputra traitors who want to re-colonise the majority! $362 billion of it!

NB
At one time before Maha Firaunism, the government's budget was called 'Government's Annual Estimate of Expenditure" because that's what it was as, expenditure, operating and development, usually exceeded income during an era of planned and unplanned growth.  But Maha Firaun felt this was misleading and dubbed it "Bajet Kerajaan" (Government's Budget) which is close to the Malay word 'Baja" or horse manure!! Well, sometimes I do take liberties. Wish it were billions of $ though.

Let's focus, ok and not be side-tracked by side issues?

Here are the facts:

1. Out of $74 billion which Rosemajib and Jala have cunningly re-classified as "SUBSIDY" only $31 billion for petrol, gas, electricity, sugar, flour, rice, fishery and infrastructure constitutes real subsidies.

2. This can be further broken down as ($ billion):
(a) petrol - 10
(b) gas/electricity - 13
(c) toll highways, railway and rural air rervices - 5
(d) sugar, flour, rice etc. - 3

3. The remaining $43 billion are transfer payments, the main beneficiaries of which were:
(a) debt servicing - 10
(b) pensions - 5
(c) MARA college and other Universities - 7
(d) dividends - 3
(e) sundry - 5
(f) KLIA - 1
(g) federal roads - 2
(h) human capital (wtf?) - 1
(g) Others - 9 (no analysis available)

I am not 100% sure of the analysis, but it looks about right from available official information.

Now here are some $362 billion questions:

1. Who's kidding whom?

Transfer payments are meant to be gifts; one off or short-term in nature. If they recur, then by right they should be accounted for and appropriately classified under the relevant headings in the Government's Operating Budget (Bajet/Baja/Horse manure).

2. Why is the Governmment burdening Tenaga with a 50% reserve margin to be fleeced to the tune of $13 billion a year by the IPP mafia? The IPP contracts are largely one sided take or pay deals with 100% cost increase and gas subsidised deals.

3. Why is the Govt, which owns some 83% of PLUS, not re-negotiating the toll highway concessions? Asas Serba has proposed to the Govt a $50 billion buy-out monopoly of ALL toll concessions INCLUSIVE OF guarantees of an immediate 20% across-the-board toll cut, an annual dividend of 7.5% plus no toll further toll increases till the  end of the concessions! If nothing else, this shows the high level of profiteering enjoyed by the toll highway mafiaso. The adipose (fat) layer is very, very thick indeed!

So, here's my free recommendation to the Government on how to save $ 100 billion over the next 5 years ($ 20 billion per year) to stop burdening the poor masses by prematurely removing subsidies that affect education, health and welfare payments:

1. re-negotiate ALL IPP agreements - projected annual savings $7 billion
2. re-negotiate all toll highway concessions - projected annual savings of $4 billion
3. tender out all Approved Permits (AP) for cars - projected annual income of $2 billion.
4. cut civil service costs by an intial 5 % and continue with running a lean, mean and efficient fighting machine - projected annual savings of $2 billion (civil service annual cost is said to be $42 billion)
5. re-negotiate all water monopolies - projected annual savings of at least $2 billion per year
6. Other cost cutting measures, especially in defence procurement and opex (cancel national service) - projected annual savings of $3 billion.

More than that, instead of continuing with directly negotiated contracts, the Govt should go for open tender plus share of profits on developing land banks at:

(a) Sg. Besi
(b) Sg. Buloh
(c) Jalan Duta (Matrade parcel)
(d) Cochrane Road

That should generate another piffling $10 or $20 Billion?

There is also an immediate savings of $8 billion if we shelve for good that strange DRB Hicom directly awarded contract for 231 'light manoeuvrable tanks' for "Afghan monitoring UN duty"??!! For fucks sake, what the hell should we be wasting our time in Afghanistan for when our kitty is going broke? Opposition DAP MP Tony Pua has already revealed that the cost per tank of $35 million seems a wee bit expensive compared to $4 million from USA and European sources!!??

And that's not all. There's more to milk from:

1. One off capital ($500 million at least) and then annual licence fee for  EPL/World and Other Cups and Games betting operators.

2. Open bidding for broadband/ 4G telco licences. India just concluded their exercise for 3G and the biddings of billions of $  were 100% above Govt expectations!!

3. There's also Khazanah's 60% share of S$90 billion KTM (Railway) land in Tj. Pagar, Singapore. That's a minimum $120 billion excluding development profits. Factored that in?

The list is virtually endless! Joy is life and joy is business! Open tenders, anyone?

And who is it who's been the presiding Govt for the last 53 years and conjured up this $362 billion national debt, huge subsidies and transfer payments?

UMNO? BN? Rosemajib? Jala? Wigs? Chua? Maha Firaun? Ibrahim Ali? Perkasa? Helloooooo? Anybody at home?

Bankruptcy by 2019? Not on my life!

donplaypuks® with our national debt, man!

AH HA! THE PLOT THICKENS - TIGER OF JELUTONG STALKS SAIFUL!!

by malaysia@soroskininsider.extra.gov.con, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for the law is an ass affairs

It would be an understatement to say that it was merely another interesting day at Court No.3 on the 5th floor in the Jalan Duta complex.

Put more succinctly, you could have blown me over with a feather!!

Many had, especially after RPK chose to deal with justice/injustice on his own terms from London, Manchester, Melbourne, Ular Bator, Mars, Jupiter or wherever, rubbished his earlier expose about Saiful having met up with one, Assistant Commissioner of Police (ACP) Rodwan, on 25th June 2008, a day prior to when Saiful alleges he had been involved in a non-consensual penetrative sodo mee scandal with DSAI.

Today, in a purple patch of insightful and non-consensual deeply penetrative cross-examination, the Tiger of Jelutong, Karpal Singh, lead counsel for DSAI, elicited some electrifying disclosures from Saiful that fully vindicated RPK whose uncanny gift and cult status for leaking closely held police investigative secrets were, if anything, raised to Olympian heights!!

Firstly, Saiful confirmed under sworn testimony from the stand that after dropping out from Telekom University, he solicited assistance from Dato Sri Najib Tun Razak (then Deputy Prime Minister) in January 2008 over the phone at his office in the form of a letter of recommendation for a Study Loan for an Aircraft Pilot's Course (in Kota Bahru) which required only an SPM qualification .

Next, he revealed he also visited Najib at his private residence in KL at about 8 p.m. on 24th June 2008. The meeting lasted some 20 minutes only. Present at that encounter were Saiful's liaison friend and Najib's special officer Khairil Anas Jusoh from whose residence they had driven to Najib's house, as well as one of Najib's security personnel.

Saiful then opened his heart to Najib who however DID NOT offer him any advice. Saiful was quite adamant about that!

As events unfolded that night, Najib apparently asked his aide for Inspector General of Police (IGP) Musa Hassan's handphone number and while being given it verbally, Saiful's sharp ears registered it and he keyed it into his handphone's memory because he felt the IGP may be another person to open up to about his "situation."

Saiful spotted the the DPM's wife, Rosemah only as he was leaving the house, though he did not say exactly which part of the house he spotted her at.

After he returned to Khairil's house and then home, he telephoned IGP Musa Hassan and engaged him in a one minute conversation before he was cut off by Musa who told him in no uncertain terms not to call him on his handphone. Saiful was left with the impression the IGP thought it was a crank call!!

Later on the same night of 24th June 2008, he received a call from ACP Rodwan and made for a rendezvous with  him at a room in Melia Hotel. Oddly, the only conversation they had was confirming an appointment to meet up the next afternoon, 25th of June 2008, at Concorde Hotel. But curioser and curioser, the Concorde Hotel rendezvous did not materialise and neither did ACP Rodwan call him nor did Saiful contact him again!!?

And now comes the whammer! 

Subsequent to the alleged sodo mee incident with DSAI on 26th June 2008, Saiful met up late night with one Rahimi Omar and four other persons in Rawang on 27th June 2008, thought he did not say what for, before heading for that surely fated Pusrawi Clinic for a medical examination on 28th June:

1. His Uncle Pet, Tuah bin Mohammad Ali with whom he shared rented living premises.
2. Khairil Anas Jusoh.
3. Datuk Mumtaz Begum Jaafar, a former M'sian athlete from the '70's and alleged by RPK to be a close friend and business associate of Rosemah.

PM Najib's wife Dato Seri Rosmah Mansor, Dato Khairil Anas Jusoh and Dato Mumtaz all sit on the Board of Directors of YAKEB (Yayasan Kebajikan Atlet Kebangsaan of which Rosmah is Chairman) or the National Foundation for the Welfare of Athletes, verifiable at :

http://www.yakeb.org.my/v2/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=49&Itemid=65

 AND

here comes the coup de grace, 

DrrrrrrrrrrrRummm (roll of drums) Tung Chang Chang (clash of cymbals):

4. YB recently appointed Senator Mohamed Ezam Nor, DSAI's former left hand man who left PKR in 2007 and surprise, surprise, joined UMNO on 28th May 2008!!!! There is a rumour floating about YB, great expectations and the Deputy Home Minister's post in a soon to be announced Cabinet Reshuffle! 

It was definitely not a day for those with pacemaker implanted hearts or angioplasty stent-lined arteries.

Did we get a thunderbolt about a conspiracy of sorts or what?

What will the cat bring in tomorrow?

donplaypuks®

ps

On Tuesday Saiful not only denied under cross-examination that a 'plastic object' had been inserted into his anus during sodo mee II as recorded by a burmese doctor at Pusrawi Clinic, he also accused the doctor of lying!!

But this is very interesting. Saiful (not Anwar or his associates) picked the Pusrawi Clinic randomly. Anwar Ibrahim and 99.99% of M'sia knew nothing about medical examinations or police report of sodo mee II until a few days later. So, why on earth would an unknown doctor of 25 year's service and experience who did not personally know Saiful or Anwar Ibrahim, lie about a confession from Saiful about a 'plastic object' in his anus?

Did Saiful feel he had been cornered over a crucial piece of evidence and was  trapped into lying about the doctor lying? Because, if the 'plastic object' turns out to be a condom, wherof then 3 day-old seminal fluids, sperm stains and samples??!!

AMINULRASYID AMZAH R.I.P. - THE AIR THAT WE BREATHE!!

In the end the tragic police shooting death of Aminulrasyid Amzah will not be about closure for his mother, sisters and brothers who must still be in a state of shock and disbelief.

Nor will it be really about making the police accountable, exercise due caution or use reasonable force when apprehending suspects or about the already much discredited and perhaps even reviled chief of police being overzealous in protecting and defending his men in blue. Or of the conduct of the police in branding a teenager whom they had just shot dead, a "criminal" despite the boy having no previous records of any run-ins with the law whatsoever! Nor of the Prime Minister belatedly calling for the police investigations to be "more open" while opportunists from both side of the divide jockey to garner maximum political mileage out of the corpse of a poor, poor prematurely 'wasted' lad who had his whole life ahead of him.

It will not even be about Aminul's 14 year-old friend who was with him in the car during the entire episode and who brought a lump to your throat as he appeared at prime time on national television to contradict almost everything the police said to justify their actions and the findings of their internal investigation.

It will be about the very air we breathe, the essence of life and death!

You will know what I mean if you yourself have or have had a teenager daughter or son. Mine are 15 going on 16 and 17 going on 18.

Teenage life is filled with imponderables and impenetrables that are the end of the universe if not resolved by yesterday and of millions upon millions of imagined and unimagined angst.  

Pimples! BO! Mum, is my nose too big that girls will not find me attractive? Dad, am I too short to put off boys? Dad, you know Amy has a boyfriend and her parents allow her to go on dates to a disco ALL BY herself, hmm, hmm, dad? Mum, ALL my friends have Nike jogging shoes, why can't I? Geeze, why is my father so old fashioned and whothehell's Englebert Humperdinck ? Jim Reeves, mum you can't be serious! Is he from this planet??? I can't believe dad hasn't heard of Paramore!!

Teenagers are fully capable of driving their parents up the wall and all too often they know it only too well. Mine will test my exasperation to the limit. They are experts in that teenage-speak that may have you inadvertently reaching for the shot-gun:

"How was school today?"
"Fine."

"How did you do in the geography test?"
"Ok."

"Why are your shoes muddy?"
"I dunnow!"

"Why C for maths?"
"Everyone else got a D!"

"Dad, I need a suit and vest."
"Why?"
"For the school charity dinner."
"What charity dinner?"
"I dunnow!"
"When?"
"Tomorrow!!"

But this is the same child you looked at in wonder and awe in his/her tub outside the delivery room when you wife had caesarian; the same child you'd rush home early from work to spend the evenings with before he/she dozed off at nine and who hero worshipped you, tried to imitate you shaving or stole mum's make up kit and painted her face!! Did you not hold back the tears when your baby brough her kindy crayon drawings and  said "Dada, you the big smiling whale, ha, ha!" Another time is was a big smiling bear and once even a dolphin!! You bought them their first tricycle and then bicycle, roller blades, Barbie doll and playhouse and went whitewater rafting in KK.

And if all that is allowed to be snuffed out in one second without you having a moment to say farewell, thank you, I love you, what are we humans?

This goes beyond race and religion and kampung and town. Nations are not built around mere individuals, officials, officers, Attorney Generals, Ministers and Prime Ministers but around the nucleus of families and children and grandparents and uncles and aunties who form communities. Chinese father understands Malay mother who understands Indian grandfather. All share the same worries, fears, concerns, anxieties, hopes and aspirations - for their children. 

There is a almighty issue of legacy here!

And if in the process of achieving a caring, united Nation, we have to weed out an officer or two, or a chief of police or two, or a judge or two, or a Minister or two, or a Govt or......then that's our God given duty.

That's our obligation to our children and the future.

I shall make the time available to go visit Aminul's family and let them know I care, that I share in and weep at their immeasurable loss.

Because I have a family and teenage children.

I know. I know. I know! It's important to me.

Because Aminulrasyid Amzah should not  have been shot dead, least of all for  a teenager's immature NON-VIOLENT indiscretions!!

donplaypuks® with our children, man!!