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08/04/2009

AN ACCIDENTAL INQUIRY INTO THE ACCIDENTAL SUICIDE DEATH OF A.COOGIE, AN ANARCHIST!

by sherlock poirot charlie chan dario FO, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for dick’s minds








The August Post Mortem Commission of the greatest detectives and medical minds in the World rose as one body to acclaim, applaud and congratulate the outstanding, sole and unchallenged winner of the ‘2009 Nobel Correct,Correct,Correct Prize’, I. American M.D.

The Commission, chaired by I. American M.D., had been ably assisted by Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot and Charlie Chan with watching briefs held by AG Ganesh Patel, I Raja Polis Big Moose, eleven I Polis Raja from Peace Hill Resort district and Kapak Singh MP for Altant.., opps sorry can't say that, I mean that Chinese Mongolian blackmailing bitch Aminah Baginda.

The Commission had just concluded its unanimous finding that the death of suspected but surely guilty one Anarchist A. Coogie was wholly, exclusively and necessarily due to a regrettable ACCIDENTAL SUICIDE and that it was a true and fair verdict. Coogie had been arrested as a suspected but surely guilty one Anarchist, Al Qaeda General and peddler of illegal DVD’s of the popular computer game ‘Grand Theft Auto.’

Coogie had been collared the previous month at the Klang Hitman Pasar Malam (Night Market) near the abandoned $30 million new Bus Station and taken to the Peace Hill Resort People Friendly Incarceration and Interrogation Tea Party Centre, for counselling and ‘friendly’ advice. At some point in time of a murky and hazy night, Coogie had, overcome by remorse and deep shame, suddenly cut loose from a ring of 11 interrogators and flung himself to death through the 3rd Floor window of the tea room.

The findings of the Commission are classified under the draconian OSIBISA – Official Secrets, Intelligence, Banking and Internal Security Act. However, donplaypuks® managed to obtain loose transcripts of the Commission of Inquiry’s proceedings from its garbage disposal can and after piecing them together, has decided to share these excerpts with the Public in the interest of justice, at the risk of being sub-judice and being invited via a Mareva Injunction to take a friendly tour of the picturesque Peace Hill Resort.
...........................
I.American M.D.
So, we can ignore the 2 PM’s?

11 I Polis Raja chorus
Absolutely! Ignore them! Don lah korek, korek, korek!

I Raja Polis
That’s right. Maha Firaun and Maharosemajib have nothing to do with it.

I American M.D.
Idiot! I meant the two Post Mortems, not Prime Ministers. The cause of death was Pulmonary Enema.

AG Ganesh Patel
You mean they beat the shit out of Coogie? That’s MURDER!!

Sherlock Holmes
I say old chap, what’s Pulmonary Enema? Watson?

Dr.Watson
Alimentary, my dear Holmes!

I.American M.D.
Imbeciles! I meant Pulmonary Edema exacerbated by Myocardial Infarction aggravated by acute malfunction of the Renal Sub-Filtrate System with possible contributory factors arising from External Blunt Force Trauma.

I Raja Polis/AG Ganesh Patel
We no spik German. Please translate to English.

Charlie Chan
Water accumulation in the lungs caused by failure of the kidneys and a swelling of the heart due to having the shit beaten out of him by a rubber truncheon, perhaps?

I.American M.D.
No! No! No! No rubber truncheons. It was suicide. He jumped of his own accord from the 3rd Floor window at Peace Hill Resort.

11 I Police Raja chorus
Fell of his own accord! Accidental Suicide!

AG Ganesh Patel
Even though he was handcuffed behind his back and there were 11 I Polis Raja with him at that time?

I.American M.D.
That’s right. He was apparently a sprinter of some renown having been trained by Olympic and World Champ, Usain Bolt.

Hercule Poirot
And managed to leap 15 feet high and slip through the iron bars of the window on the 3rd Floor, while handcuffed behind his back?

I.American M.D.
Sounds incredible, I confess. But you know these oily Indians from Klang. The ‘Orang Minyak’ (Oily Man) is a well known Gang of thieves. They are superbly fit and can slip through the eye of a needle.

Sherlock Holmes
But the PM does not state anything about broken bones, only numerous torture lacerations on the skin and blunt trauma marks.

I.American M.D.
You will recall that the body was compromised by members of Coogie’s family and two Members of Parliament when they barged into the morgue at the hospital. They fixed the bones, planted the scars and engineered gaping holes and bruises on the body.

11 I Police Raja chorus
They fixed it! Shame and Perfidy! Red Card, MP’s!

Dr. House
What about the 2nd Independent Post Mortem. The provisional cause of death (pending toxicology) was stated as due to acute renal failure due to Rhabdomyolysis?

I.American M.D.
I no spik Bangla!

Dr. Mark ‘Ace’ Kolmar
Breakdown of skeletal muscle tissue due to having the shit beaten out of him by blunt force trauma rubber truncheons, perhaps?

I.American M.D.
Well, these foreign doctors from Bangladesh and Burma. What can we say? It may be common in Dhaka, but not here in 1 Malaysia, 1 Nation, Just Do it. Kami Bolih!

11 I Polis Raja chorus
Common in Dhaka, Bangladesh. How sad!

Dr. Kildare
What did your inspection of Coogie’s body reveal?

I.American M.D.
No, no.There was no need. I just went through the files and photos of the 2 PM’s and expertly deduced from my armchair that there was no foul play whatsoever!

11 I Polis Raja chorus
Expertly deduced from his armchair. No foul play whatsoever. Nudge, Nudge! Wink, Wink!

Kapak Singh MP
Why did the kidneys, lungs and heart fail? Surely, the cause of death must be determined?

I.American M.D.
The cause of death was the heart stopped beating and the brain stoppe functioning. But of course we could not establish the heart had expanded. But this is normal in the case of Malaysian Indian 'Grand Theft Auto' suspects but surely guilty one !

Charlie Chan
Whoa, so congvingnience one, ah? Even if police bullet is found in body, you only conclude 'died from bleeding, heart stopped beating?'

Dr. Ben Casey
What was the clincher? I mean what was THE evidence that led you to your learned opinion?

I.American M.D.
The Suicide Note.

11 IPR chorus
Suicide Note? That’s rum!

Sherlock Holmes
He wrote a Suicide Note while fully handcuffed behind his back and in the presence of 11 I Polis Raja and they don’t know about it? Can I take a look at it?

I.American M.D.
Sorry, no can do. Barred by OSIBISA, I’m afraid. And sub-judice.

11 I Polis Raja chorus
Barred by OSIBISA, Whew!

I.American M.D.
But I can read excerpts from it. Here goes:
‘Yang benar Appa, Amma and Sujatha (my beloved mistress).. jika you receiving this letter you vill be knoving dat I yam kaput. But, I must telling the truth to the whole verld.......
I yam yaddicted to ‘Grand Theft Auto’ video game and yam on a mission to make yit a Glocal success selling yit in the Night Markets of the world............
11 I Polis Raja have nothing to do with beating the shit out of my body with blunt force trauma rubber truncheons leading to Pulmonary Enema exacerbated by Myocardial Infarction aggravated by acute malfunction of the Renal Sub-Filtrate System or Rhabdomyolysis Breakdown of skeletal muscle tissue, pending toxicology.....
I yam deeply ashamed by my yactions and have decided to yaccidentally kammit swiside!.There’s nothing more I can say........

11 I Polis Raja chorus
Yaccidentally kammit swiside! What more is there to say!

Sherlock Holmes
Brilliant I.American M.D. You have convinced us. A true Professional. It felt like, looked like and smelled like Murder or Beating the shit out of the body with blunt force trauma rubber truncheons. But I was so obviously wrong. You have covered up all the angles beautifully.

I.American M.D.
Yes, we have covered it all up exceedingly well, what Holmes!

11 I Polis Raja chorus, I Raja Polis and AG Ganesh Patel
Yes! Covered it all up exceedingly well! Correct, correct, correct. Hip, hip hooray to I.American M.D.!

donplaypuks® with my post mortems, man!!

16 comments:

art harun said...

But that does not explain why he was frothing in the mouth!

From what I heard, there were so many mosquitoes at night. The allergic reaction to the mosquito bites caused all the swelling. He stole a rubber hose from the toilet on the second day to whack the mosquitoes on the 3rd night. That caused the blunt trauma marks and lacerations all over the body.

On the 4th day, he was under the shower while brushing his teeth. He sliiped and fell to his death as the shower flooded his lung. The frothing was in fact his toothpaste.

So I heard.

donplaypuks® said...

Hi Art

This is only the tip of the iceberg. If they carry on this way they will be sunk as surely as the TItanic was.

Ther should be an RCI into numerous deaths while in I Polis Raja custody!
dpp

masterwordsmith said...

Dear DPP,

How some people can strut around with hardly any conscience truly baffles me..

You have highlighted the tragedy in a most unusual way, DPP.

Satirical humor tinged with so many mixed emotions - few can do this, and needless to say, you are one of them.

As always, well done!

cheers

Purple Haze said...

Cheers, mate.

I truly hope you do not get an invitation to visit the glorious Peace Hill Resort any time at the present or the future.

It will be a heck of a lot worse than being summoned to see Murugesu.

donplaypuks® said...

Hi Purple Haze

Have not been able to connect with Yahoo & Google (overseas connection, but local is ok) from my wireless streamyx connection, but have no problem when tapping into my wife's wireless set-up in her office in the same block of apartments.

You think I Polis Raja from Peace Hill Resort are tapping in and intefering? If I should stop blogging and disappear, my lawyers have been instructed to send you 2 envelopes; 1 brown, 1 white......
dpp

Purple Haze said...

Of course, I do not welcome any correspondence from your lawyers but most certainly would recommend Sir Lionel Luckhoo on your team.

Unfortunately, my alma mater friends who used to work in the Peace Hill Resort are no longer in the business.

Otherwise, I would ask them to sneak in a blue pill and a red pill for your selection.

Antares said...

Newsflash! Just in, confidential report submitted by an SB unit assigned to infiltrate Hindraf. Apparently, those 11 cops suspended for their involvement in beating suspect codenamed Kougar to alleged death are actually members of Hindraf's elite commando team (codenamed HIT or the Hindu Indian Tigers with suspected links to the LTTE). They had infiltrated the Subang Jaya police station disguised as senior Mat Rempits and were able to make Kougar (who they knew was a police informer) feel so guilty about being a low-caste Indian that suicide became the only honorable way out for him. The real members of the PDRM tried their level best to prevent this from happening but were hampered by a mountain of paperwork caused by 500,000 Malaysians suddenly appearing outside the Subang Jaya police station to file reports against themselves for thinking about the joys of anal and oral sex.

Anonymous said...

i've consulted prof. omar hj asmah
who tinks the 'peace hill resort'
in the bolehland is = bukit aman !!

donplaypuks® said...

Hi magick antares

pity that we can't get the guilty cop(s) to turn himselfin. how much we will respect an dlove our police then!
dpp

donplaypuks® said...

Anon 8,28 P.M.

SSh. Big Brother could be watching and listening! Lol!
dpp

Anonymous said...

i tot dpp = deputy public prosecutor
= big abang !!

Republican Reds said...

Cool fiction dude,this will hopefully divert the attention of the information minister now headed by a smart minister. Keep up the good work and we can publish a novel soon an DSAI can endorse it.

Republican Reds said...

Thank's for dropping by,I got to know you and your blog from the recently transformed Rocky Bru's blog.Suddenly there are Pro BN to an extreme extent, well I guess everybody is trying to cash in the new leadership transition or I coulb be wrong?

Jonathan's Parody of BolehLand said...

Cool satire... actually as your blog is all about satire, its sub-line should read "All characters in this blog are fictitious; if any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, means you are a fake!" :P Bookmarked you too. see mine at www.jonathan66-my.blogspot.com

Oh yes he died because his heart stopped and his brain died too- how else right? case closed and would have saved everyone the trouble to suck, cut, probe etc when they are dead-right in the first place what the answer already is!!! makes kugan to be a kruger who deserves what he got! sad sigh :(

Jonathan's Parody of BolehLand said...

Cool satire... actually as your blog is all about satire, its sub-line should read "All characters in this blog are fictitious; if any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, means you are a fake!" :P Bookmarked you too. see mine at www.jonathan66-my.blogspot.com

Oh yes he died because his heart stopped and his brain died too- how else right? case closed and would have saved everyone the trouble to suck, cut, probe etc when they are dead-right in the first place what the answer already is!!! makes kugan to be a kruger who deserves what he got! sad sigh :(

donplaypuks® said...

Jonathan's Parody of BolehLand said...

Hey Jonathan

Took a side trio to your blog. How does on epost a comment there?
dpp