AN ACCIDENTAL INQUIRY INTO THE ACCIDENTAL SUICIDE DEATH OF A.COOGIE, AN ANARCHIST!

by sherlock poirot charlie chan dario FO, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for dick’s minds

The August Post Mortem Commission of the greatest detectives and medical minds in the World rose as one body to acclaim, applaud and congratulate the outstanding, sole and unchallenged winner of the ‘2009 Nobel Correct,Correct,Correct Prize’, I. American M.D.

The Commission, chaired by I. American M.D., had been ably assisted by Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot and Charlie Chan with watching briefs held by AG Ganesh Patel, I Raja Polis Big Moose, eleven I Polis Raja from Peace Hill Resort district and Kapak Singh MP for Altant.., opps sorry can't say that, I mean that Chinese Mongolian blackmailing bitch Aminah Baginda.

The Commission had just concluded its unanimous finding that the death of suspected but surely guilty one Anarchist A. Coogie was wholly, exclusively and necessarily due to a regrettable ACCIDENTAL SUICIDE and that it was a true and fair verdict. Coogie had been arrested as a suspected but surely guilty one Anarchist, Al Qaeda General and peddler of illegal DVD’s of the popular computer game ‘Grand Theft Auto.’

Coogie had been collared the previous month at the Klang Hitman Pasar Malam (Night Market) near the abandoned $30 million new Bus Station and taken to the Peace Hill Resort People Friendly Incarceration and Interrogation Tea Party Centre, for counselling and ‘friendly’ advice. At some point in time of a murky and hazy night, Coogie had, overcome by remorse and deep shame, suddenly cut loose from a ring of 11 interrogators and flung himself to death through the 3rd Floor window of the tea room.

The findings of the Commission are classified under the draconian OSIBISA – Official Secrets, Intelligence, Banking and Internal Security Act. However, donplaypuks® managed to obtain loose transcripts of the Commission of Inquiry’s proceedings from its garbage disposal can and after piecing them together, has decided to share these excerpts with the Public in the interest of justice, at the risk of being sub-judice and being invited via a Mareva Injunction to take a friendly tour of the picturesque Peace Hill Resort.
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I.American M.D.

So, we can ignore the 2 PM’s?

11 I Polis Raja chorus

Absolutely! Ignore them! Don lah korek, korek, korek!

I Raja Polis

That’s right. Maha Firaun and Maharosemajib have nothing to do with it.

I American M.D.

Idiot! I meant the two Post Mortems, not Prime Ministers. The cause of death was Pulmonary Enema.

AG Ganesh Patel

You mean they beat the shit out of Coogie? That’s MURDER!!

Sherlock Holmes

I say old chap, what’s Pulmonary Enema? Watson?

Dr.Watson

Alimentary, my dear Holmes!

I.American M.D.

Imbeciles! I meant Pulmonary Edema exacerbated by Myocardial Infarction aggravated by acute malfunction of the Renal Sub-Filtrate System with possible contributory factors arising from External Blunt Force Trauma.

I Raja Polis/AG Ganesh Patel

We no spik German. Please translate to English.

Charlie Chan

Water accumulation in the lungs caused by failure of the kidneys and a swelling of the heart due to having the shit beaten out of him by a rubber truncheon, perhaps?

I.American M.D.

No! No! No! No rubber truncheons. It was suicide. He jumped of his own accord from the 3rd Floor window at Peace Hill Resort.

11 I Police Raja chorus

Fell of his own accord! Accidental Suicide!

AG Ganesh Patel

Even though he was handcuffed behind his back and there were 11 I Polis Raja with him at that time?

I.American M.D.

That’s right. He was apparently a sprinter of some renown having been trained by Olympic and World Champ, Usain Bolt.

Hercule Poirot

And managed to leap 15 feet high and slip through the iron bars of the window on the 3rd Floor, while handcuffed behind his back?

I.American M.D.

Sounds incredible, I confess. But you know these oily Indians from Klang. The ‘Orang Minyak’ (Oily Man) is a well known Gang of thieves. They are superbly fit and can slip through the eye of a needle.

Sherlock Holmes

But the PM does not state anything about broken bones, only numerous torture lacerations on the skin and blunt trauma marks.

I.American M.D.

You will recall that the body was compromised by members of Coogie’s family and two Members of Parliament when they barged into the morgue at the hospital. They fixed the bones, planted the scars and engineered gaping holes and bruises on the body.

11 I Police Raja chorus

They fixed it! Shame and Perfidy! Red Card, MP’s!

Dr. House

What about the 2nd Independent Post Mortem. The provisional cause of death (pending toxicology) was stated as due to acute renal failure due to Rhabdomyolysis?

I.American M.D.

I no spik Bangla!

Dr. Mark ‘Ace’ Kolmar

Breakdown of skeletal muscle tissue due to having the shit beaten out of him by blunt force trauma rubber truncheons, perhaps?

I.American M.D.

Well, these foreign doctors from Bangladesh and Burma. What can we say? It may be common in Dhaka, but not here in 1 Malaysia, 1 Nation, Just Do it. Kami Bolih!

11 I Polis Raja chorus

Common in Dhaka, Bangladesh. How sad!

Dr. Kildare

What did your inspection of Coogie’s body reveal?

I.American M.D.

No, no.There was no need. I just went through the files and photos of the 2 PM’s and expertly deduced from my armchair that there was no foul play whatsoever!

11 I Polis Raja chorus

Expertly deduced from his armchair. No foul play whatsoever. Nudge, Nudge! Wink, Wink!

Kapak Singh MP

Why did the kidneys, lungs and heart fail? Surely, the cause of death must be determined?

I.American M.D.

The cause of death was the heart stopped beating and the brain stoppe functioning. But of course we could not establish the heart had expanded. But this is normal in the case of Malaysian Indian 'Grand Theft Auto' suspects but surely guilty one !

Charlie Chan

Whoa, so congvingnience one, ah? Even if police bullet is found in body, you only conclude 'died from bleeding, heart stopped beating?'

Dr. Ben Casey

What was the clincher? I mean what was THE evidence that led you to your learned opinion?

I.American M.D.

The Suicide Note.

11 IPR chorus

Suicide Note? That’s rum!

Sherlock Holmes

He wrote a Suicide Note while fully handcuffed behind his back and in the presence of 11 I Polis Raja and they don’t know about it? Can I take a look at it?

I.American M.D.

Sorry, no can do. Barred by OSIBISA, I’m afraid. And sub-judice.

11 I Polis Raja chorus

Barred by OSIBISA, Whew!

I.American M.D.

But I can read excerpts from it. Here goes:
‘Yang benar Appa, Amma and Sujatha (my beloved mistress).. jika you receiving this letter you vill be knoving dat I yam kaput. But, I must telling the truth to the whole verld.......
I yam yaddicted to ‘Grand Theft Auto’ video game and yam on a mission to make yit a Glocal success selling yit in the Night Markets of the world............
11 I Polis Raja have nothing to do with beating the shit out of my body with blunt force trauma rubber truncheons leading to Pulmonary Enema exacerbated by Myocardial Infarction aggravated by acute malfunction of the Renal Sub-Filtrate System or Rhabdomyolysis Breakdown of skeletal muscle tissue, pending toxicology.....
I yam deeply ashamed by my yactions and have decided to yaccidentally kammit swiside!.There’s nothing more I can say........

11 I Polis Raja chorus

Yaccidentally kammit swiside! What more is there to say!

Sherlock Holmes

Brilliant I.American M.D. You have convinced us. A true Professional. It felt like, looked like and smelled like Murder or Beating the shit out of the body with blunt force trauma rubber truncheons. But I was so obviously wrong. You have covered up all the angles beautifully.

I.American M.D.

Yes, we have covered it all up exceedingly well, what Holmes!

11 I Polis Raja chorus, I Raja Polis and AG Ganesh Patel

Yes! Covered it all up exceedingly well! Correct, correct, correct. Hip, hip hooray to I.American M.D.!

donplaypuks® with my post mortems, man!!