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nation in distress

The World Anthem


WE ARE ALL OF 1 RACE, THE HUMAN RACE.


29/04/2009

RINGGIT, ringgit? RINGGIT, ringgit? RINGGIT, ringgit?

or how malayan frogs (katak) mate and hop


by david attentionboro hopalong cassidy, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for wild life on 1 discovery affairs










videoring-git!ring-git!ring-git! ting-a-ling! you can ring my bell!

And for today’s episode we shall forage deep into the heartland of the Malayan Peninsula where the yellow and orange striped tiger still roams in the tropical jungle, the leathery crocodile teems in the mosquito-infested and malaria ridden swamp, the rogue grey elephant lays waste to banana grove and the wild see-no-evil, hear-no-evil, do-no-evil monkey still runs the Peoples' Administration!

In this green lung of the world, wild boar is yet hunted in the rubber estates of Slim River and Tanjung Malim (malim - a Malay sea captain), forest areas the size of a football field disappear daily ravaged by the voracious Malayan Palm Oil Planter and national football teams fail against schoolboys' sides!

And here, (pant!pant!) deep in the Malayan Rainforest and from our vantage point high on top of the emerald and verdant Perak State Hills of grossly quarried and collapsed limestone caves, we shall peer through the penetrating lenses of our cameras.

And lo and behold what does my little eye spy in Jelapang District? Why it's none other than the UNUSUAL species of the amphibious Malayan Frog (katak) scientifically classified under the Linnaearse system as Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or commonly referred to as the Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog for its wily and cunning ways.

Let us study the lifestyle and habits of this Jelapang frog found close to the edge of the large paddy fields bordering the B-grade link road to Ipoh just after the infamous ‘death trapJelapang Toll Highway. Unusual, since frogs (and toads too as there is actually no real difference in their Biologies) generally tend to mate after the tiniest of downpours, by the hundreds and thousands, laying and fertilising externally millions of eggs in one go, and nowhere else in the world can one find an area infested with only the female of the species!

Many a lorry driver entering the B-Grade link road, woud soon be looking for a ‘quickie’ along the dilapidated row of old colonial houses now frequented and patronised by ladies of altruistic nightly leisure. He would, after satiating his beastly sordid appetite there, head for the paddy fields to fill up a sackload or two with these Jelapang female frogs for sale in the night markets of Ipoh, the capital city of Perak.

The female frogs would not put up a fight, their only sign of protest being a sad whispered sigh of ‘yfh, yfh! yfh, yfh!yfh, yfh!’ and flicking their long sticky tongues hither and thither.! This strange species has been known to migrate via mysterious channels to as far as Hong Kong and Taiwan to find suitable mates!

It is for these reasons that the Malayan Frog, Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog is more commonly referred to here as the ‘Jelapang Prostitute’ and ‘Confirmed Frustrated Old Maid.’

As we now train our sights on nearby picture-perfect Changkat Jering, we are reminded of Kashmir; such is the natural beauty of this ‘God’s own garden’ as to bring us to our knees and cause tears to well up in our eyes. And here, nestling among the sparkling homes of Retired Army Captains, Navy Admirals and Oarsmen, resides the most unusual of the Malayan Frog which carries $100,000 wads of bank notes in its pouch!

At any time of the year, not just during the mating season in rainy Oct-Dec, these tiny, short-cloaca’d (arsed) Changkat Jering frogs could be seen hopping about with gay abandon, rending the air around the watery fields and river banks with what might sound like, ‘Ringgit, ringgit? Ringgit, ringgit? Ringgit, ringgit?’ (Money, money? Money, money? Money, money?)

And like the nightly burst of fireflies in Kuala Selangor, out would emerge from the bushes these strange men in long, dark trenchcoats with sackloads of money on weighing scales in their hands and shouting back something like, ‘Lompat, lompat? Lompat, lompat? Lompat, lompat?’ (Jump, jump? Jump, jump? Jump, jump?).

And dabnabbit, if the CJ frogs did not respond with ‘Berapa Tinggi? Berapa Tinggi? Berapa Tinggi?’ (How High? How High? How High?).

And so these delightful oral and verbal exchanges in nature’s frontyard would result in an offer that could not be refused and would end in a marvellous cacophony of Beethovenesque celestial music. You have to be at the CJ Ensemble Assembly personally to hear, see and believe it!

It is for these reasons that the Malayan Frog Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog is more commonly referred to in Changkat Jering as ‘Katak Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark’.

And as we come to the end of our long, exhausting and arduous journey through the humidity and smelter furnace-like heat of the Silver State, we have time for just one more stop at Behrang by the Bernam River, home of the Malayan Frog which is not above flicking its sticky tongue into China frogs during the mating season, which is on any day that ends with a ‘Y.’

The Behrang Frog is a delectable over-performing randy little nipper bugger of mixed parentage whose sexual appetite can be aroused by the mere sight of splayed wet web or a shake of tympanic or nictitating membrane! Shall we then fault it for engaging (pant! pant!)in nights (and days too) of orgiastic debauchery when locked up against it’s will and religion with a bevy of the female of the amphibious species referred to in Butterworth and Georgetown in Penang as ‘China Dolls’? Or with socialist minded femme fatale ‘Ang Moh’ female Lara Zhivago frogs from Moscow and Vladivostok? Or with altruistic ‘We are Siamese, if you please; We are Siamese if you don't please; We are Siamese, to hell with Chinese!’ 3-way cane toads from Phatpong in Bangkok? Or.........

No! Never! Who shall cast the first stone, even if it is likely to strike only a Crocodile Leather Ecolack Briefcase filled to the brim with mere million dollar Bearer Bond Certificates?

The Malayan Frog, Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog is aptly labelled in Behrang by the Bernam River as ‘Casanova Bangali Kondai’ (Sick Casonova) for its staying power and astounding stamina!

And so, as the sun sets, raindrops begin to spatter, and here and there rainbows emblazon the skies with promised buried treasures. The eternal cycles of the seasons play out their cosmic dance as we take leave of the panaromic Malayan landscape where you can buy land for $3 psf today and sell it for $28 psf tomorrow, all guaranteed by the most assiduous of Simian Administrators who will then sponsor hopping frogs to study food and agricultural techniques in Taiwan and Hong Kong!

The concluding part to this mould-hopping series on the amphibious life found in the cranny and cracks of South East Asia will reveal the last of the unique variety of the Malayan Frog Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog known locally in Bota District by the Perak River as the ‘Katak Double Agent 007 1/2 OHMIQ’ or the ‘Frog that turned, got frognapped and went home with it’s tail between its cloaca (arse)’.

Do tune in next week to understand all the bald facts about this fascinating frog from Bota in Perak!

donplaypuks® with my michelin guide recommended ‘sautant cuisses de grenouille’ (jumping frogs legs), man!

12 comments:

Patricia said...

Oh what a ribbet-ing post, DPP! I was rolling on the floor, croaking!

Pat :)

masterwordsmith said...

Hi DPP,

Love your label for this post not forgetting your brilliant name for the correspondent - david attentioboro hopalong cassidy. I am constantly amazed by your meticulous attention to details and how you weave humor, satire, innuendo and tragedy in and out of your tale told with such mastery that few can match!

Mon ami,

Le qui sautant jambes à la grenouille doit être cuisiné dans la soupe chaude!!!
That's where they belong! *wicked chuckle*.

Cheers!

Purple Haze said...

Initially, I reckoned that your correspondent had more interests in creatures of the aviarian specie given the large brood that he is always associated with, but as it turns out, I had to exclaim a loud "yeeehaaa" to Hopalong's brilliant treatise about the order of the Anura.

I was also curious if the lorry drivers along the Jelapang interchange indulge in the phenomenon known as the "Traveller's Marriage" in assocation with Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus.

donplaypuks® said...

MSW

Pardon my French, but warm soup?

How does your "Le qui sautant jambes à la grenouille doit être cuisiné dans la soupe chaude!!!"
translate?

dpp

masterwordsmith said...

Hi DPP,

Oops...pardon my rusty French but I meant to say those froggies should be in hot soup :-) for what they have done...

Btw, I have posted it here already.

Have a lovely weekend!

cheers

donplaypuks® said...

Purple Haze

I'm still trying to figure who you are, but in Muru we trust!

'Travellers Marriage'?

I was told by some Pakistani friends that it 'could be arranged' while on a trip to Lahore (no pun intended here)some years ago.

It's not that common even in the Middle East, being a question of big money!

In Egypy? it's anybody's guess!
dpp

donplaypuks® said...

Thaks MWS. Owe you 1.

At 'Motion of my thoughts' how does 1 leave a comment?
dpp

donplaypuks® said...

And MWS

The frogs won't just be in hot soup. Come 2103, it's guaranteed they won't even be a foot-ni=ote in Perak's history! The lorry drivers will not forgive them!

dpp

Purple Haze said...

Ahhh, Pakistan.

Reminds me of Rafique's ode to Benazir to the tune of Besame Mucho.

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Justin Teh said...

This is something I would like to share with all friends.When I first went into Lim Kit Siang's blog (blog.limkitsiang.com), the first thing I read is him calling Mukhriz (Jerlun MP) and Tan Keng Liang (gerakan kedah youth chief) as people "lack of grey matters" and silly. That was about 2 weeks ago. Today, I read that he said "the IQ of the Health Minister, Datuk Seri Liow Tiong Lai, who is MCA Vice President and Penang MCA State chief, is highly suspect when he could not understand simple English". The problem is that the more Lim Kit Siang branding that he is smarter than the rest of the people in the world (which I don't belief), the more people will just see him as a person barking on the wrong tree. I support DAP but I wish that our party's chairman can be more polite when addressing other leaders (whether they are Barisan or Pakatan). Otherwise, this will set bad example to the new generation of Malaysians.

lkh said...

Hi, don't eat those frog soup. It could be poisonous to consume. Might as well chop them into pieces throw it to crocodile to consume. Oh! My God! Can not lah! Since they are poisonous, how can it is good to sacrifice the crocodile? No good! Try to figure out how to put them away is the safer way not to hurt this planet. Ah! I've got an idea. Send down to the chamber of Yen Lo Huang to cook them off. Finish! Down they gone! Safer!?!