RINGGIT, ringgit? RINGGIT, ringgit? RINGGIT, ringgit?

or how malayan frogs (katak) mate and hop

by david attentionboro hopalong cassidy, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for wild life on 1 discovery affairs

ring-git!ring-git!ring-git! ting-a-ling! you can ring my bell!

And for today’s episode we shall forage deep into the heartland of the Malayan Peninsula where the yellow and orange striped tiger still roams in the tropical jungle, the leathery crocodile teems in the mosquito-infested and malaria ridden swamp, the rogue grey elephant lays waste to banana grove and the wild see-no-evil, hear-no-evil, do-no-evil monkey still runs the Peoples' Administration!

In this green lung of the world, wild boar is yet hunted in the rubber estates of Slim River and Tanjung Malim (malim - a Malay sea captain), forest areas the size of a football field disappear daily ravaged by the voracious Malayan Palm Oil Planter and national football teams fail against schoolboys' sides!

And here, (pant!pant!) deep in the Malayan Rainforest and from our vantage point high on top of the emerald and verdant Perak State Hills of grossly quarried and collapsed limestone caves, we shall peer through the penetrating lenses of our cameras.

And lo and behold what does my little eye spy in Jelapang District? Why it's none other than the UNUSUAL species of the amphibious Malayan Frog (katak) scientifically classified under the Linnaearse system as Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or commonly referred to as the Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog for its wily and cunning ways.

Let us study the lifestyle and habits of this Jelapang frog found close to the edge of the large paddy fields bordering the B-grade link road to Ipoh just after the infamous ‘death trap’ Jelapang Toll Highway. Unusual, since frogs (and toads too as there is actually no real difference in their Biologies) generally tend to mate after the tiniest of downpours, by the hundreds and thousands, laying and fertilising externally millions of eggs in one go, and nowhere else in the world can one find an area infested with only the female of the species!

Many a lorry driver entering the B-Grade link road, woud soon be looking for a ‘quickie’ along the dilapidated row of old colonial houses now frequented and patronised by ladies of altruistic nightly leisure. He would, after satiating his beastly sordid appetite there, head for the paddy fields to fill up a sackload or two with these Jelapang female frogs for sale in the night markets of Ipoh, the capital city of Perak.

The female frogs would not put up a fight, their only sign of protest being a sad whispered sigh of ‘yfh, yfh! yfh, yfh!yfh, yfh!’ and flicking their long sticky tongues hither and thither.! This strange species has been known to migrate via mysterious channels to as far as Hong Kong and Taiwan to find suitable mates!

It is for these reasons that the Malayan Frog, Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog is more commonly referred to here as the ‘Jelapang Prostitute’ and ‘Confirmed Frustrated Old Maid.’

As we now train our sights on nearby picture-perfect Changkat Jering, we are reminded of Kashmir; such is the natural beauty of this ‘God’s own garden’ as to bring us to our knees and cause tears to well up in our eyes. And here, nestling among the sparkling homes of Retired Army Captains, Navy Admirals and Oarsmen, resides the most unusual of the Malayan Frog which carries $100,000 wads of bank notes in its pouch!

At any time of the year, not just during the mating season in rainy Oct-Dec, these tiny, short-cloaca’d (arsed) Changkat Jering frogs could be seen hopping about with gay abandon, rending the air around the watery fields and river banks with what might sound like, ‘Ringgit, ringgit? Ringgit, ringgit? Ringgit, ringgit?’ (Money, money? Money, money? Money, money?)

And like the nightly burst of fireflies in Kuala Selangor, out would emerge from the bushes these strange men in long, dark trenchcoats with sackloads of money on weighing scales in their hands and shouting back something like, ‘Lompat, lompat? Lompat, lompat? Lompat, lompat?’ (Jump, jump? Jump, jump? Jump, jump?).

And dabnabbit, if the CJ frogs did not respond with ‘Berapa Tinggi? Berapa Tinggi? Berapa Tinggi?’ (How High? How High? How High?).

And so these delightful oral and verbal exchanges in nature’s frontyard would result in an offer that could not be refused and would end in a marvellous cacophony of Beethovenesque celestial music. You have to be at the CJ Ensemble Assembly personally to hear, see and believe it!

It is for these reasons that the Malayan Frog Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog is more commonly referred to in Changkat Jering as ‘Katak Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark’.

And as we come to the end of our long, exhausting and arduous journey through the humidity and smelter furnace-like heat of the Silver State, we have time for just one more stop at Behrang by the Bernam River, home of the Malayan Frog which is not above flicking its sticky tongue into China frogs during the mating season, which is on any day that ends with a ‘Y.’

The Behrang Frog is a delectable over-performing randy little nipper bugger of mixed parentage whose sexual appetite can be aroused by the mere sight of splayed wet web or a shake of tympanic or nictitating membrane! Shall we then fault it for engaging (pant! pant!)in nights (and days too) of orgiastic debauchery when locked up against it’s will and religion with a bevy of the female of the amphibious species referred to in Butterworth and Georgetown in Penang as ‘China Dolls’? Or with socialist minded femme fatale ‘Ang Moh’ female Lara Zhivago frogs from Moscow and Vladivostok? Or with altruistic ‘We are Siamese, if you please; We are Siamese if you don't please; We are Siamese, to hell with Chinese!’ 3-way cane toads from Phatpong in Bangkok? Or.........

No! Never! Who shall cast the first stone, even if it is likely to strike only a Crocodile Leather Ecolack Briefcase filled to the brim with mere million dollar Bearer Bond Certificates?

The Malayan Frog, Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog is aptly labelled in Behrang by the Bernam River as ‘Casanova Bangali Kondai’ (Sick Casonova) for its staying power and astounding stamina!

And so, as the sun sets, raindrops begin to spatter, and here and there rainbows emblazon the skies with promised buried treasures. The eternal cycles of the seasons play out their cosmic dance as we take leave of the panaromic Malayan landscape where you can buy land for $3 psf today and sell it for $28 psf tomorrow, all guaranteed by the most assiduous of Simian Administrators who will then sponsor hopping frogs to study food and agricultural techniques in Taiwan and Hong Kong!

The concluding part to this mould-hopping series on the amphibious life found in the cranny and cracks of South East Asia will reveal the last of the unique variety of the Malayan Frog Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog known locally in Bota District by the Perak River as the ‘Katak Double Agent 007 1/2 OHMIQ’ or the ‘Frog that turned, got frognapped and went home with it’s tail between its cloaca (arse)’.

Do tune in next week to understand all the bald facts about this fascinating frog from Bota in Perak!

donplaypuks® with my michelin guide recommended ‘sautant cuisses de grenouille’ (jumping frogs legs), man!