A FINE POST GE CELEB OR THE NIGHT AFTER

Good Dr Eh Muk, let’s go out for teh tarik and celebrate your GE victory.

Muk Sure, Dad? Where?

Good Dr At that new Food Court in Ampang lah!

Muk Which one, so many licensed and unlicensed ones?

Good Dr Apa nama itu, that one lah, I forget, ah yes ‘Sri Stephanie’s Konar.’

Muk Proton, or private jet?

Good Dr Funneeee! Mirzan joining us?

Muk He’s using the private jet now that Zzzz is not leaving the country too soon to open nasi kandar restaurants in Oz or going somewhere for a short holiday, like Geneva. You know what happened to the previous Sri Lankan PM when he went for a holiday to the USA and why Mugabe will never ever go overseas for a break?

You know what they say – Mandela once had a dream, Zzzz has thousands of dreams!!

Good Dr Funneeee! You know which Mirzan I meant.

Muk He, he he! Let’s brabus in Mok’s Porsche.

Good Dr Jom!

THAT FINE EVENING AT THE SRI STEPHANIES KONAR FOOD COURT IN JALAN
AMPANG OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE UB40 RESTAURANT

Good Dr Eh, Muk, isn’t that apa nama, Marion Kavisitas Caritas Caramba, former leader of the Popular Patti Puttumayam? What is she doing here?

Muk Good God, you’re right, let’s go talk to her. After all, she was your very good supporter.

MKCC Welcome, Good Dr, welcome Muk. Welcome to my new career as restauranteur and owner of Sri Stephanie’s Konar Food Court.

Good Dr You mean you are turning your back on Puttumayam and your political career? Never give up madam, never let the people retire you; you must retire them when you choose to.

MKCC Unlike others, now I have to make my fortune before re-entering the fray. But for sure, I’ll be back to take care of that Shahnama Persian hero, Rostam, in Parameswara State, if he and his party are still around for the next GE.

Good Dr What happened to that court case with the Kapitan Kakus fellow?

MKCC Settled lah, brother. Selesai oreddy! Diary, records and notes lost in sudden fire in Ipoh. Judge on permanent holiday in Auckland. I’ve now employed Kapitan Kakus as my Business Development Director, Investment Advisor and REPO man. Some call it Ah Long, but what does semantics matter among friends, brudder!

Whoa, if the stall operators don’t pay their rent here, we will bankrupt them and report to CTOS, you know who I mean, those nice Dunn & Bradstreet guys.

But for starters, I recommend my authentic Kerala Puttumayam with grated coconut and white sugar – brown sugar optional – topped with melted QBB Ghee. Gaston!!

But first, come over here, let me introduce you to my new PR and Advertising Manager, Zamzibar (Zz). He’s even worked out a tv advertising campaign on very favourable rates with Al Jazeera Network, RadioTVMas Thak Mahu and Astral TV. Zamzibar, over here please maestro.

Zz Good evening Datuk Seri and Dato, welcome to our humble Food Court.

Good Dr How’s biz Zamzibar? How are you keeping? We never did get started on that movie ‘Dr. Goodlittle, the Wildernesss Years’, did we?

Zz (Sigh) No. It is a major Dilemma, a great disappointment that I will have to carry to my grave. We were going to shoot it in Merbok, but at the last minute, due to unforeseen circumstances, it was re-scheduled to Sg. Petani. And as our misfortune would have it, that unbelievable inland tsunami wrecked all our carefully laid out shooting strategies, and left an indelible mark everywhere. (Sigh).

But first let me explain our concept. All dining is alfresco, but eating will be in true native Malaysian style i.e. while seated on wooden floors overlaid with mats made from natural coconut fibre and using hands and fingers. Very authentic, very nouveau, very enviro friendly, very chic. Very finger licking good!

But first, let’s go over to the Chennai Cuisine stall. Good, the real owner from Pudhukottai is there as well, Sungay Seaphut Sammy, or SS Sammy. Friends call him Himmler.

SS Himmler Coming, coming saars, areva, areva! Hot, hot paruppu, amai and masala Vadai, best in the verld (this side of NY, London, Paris, Milan, Thokyo and Killan) coconut and chili chutney. Sooper potato-filled thosai and katton-soft steaming idli with sambar and chili powder topped with gingelly oil. But first, don forget, start vith melts-yin-the-mouth-not-yin-the-hand Kesari and yend it vith Batham Payasam. For the sothu (rice) vandis (carts) try our banana leaf and chicken and mutton varuval special straight from Mahabalipuram, you are knowing that town just after the main 200-years concession toll road in Chennai?

Muk Wait a minute that’s Him, you know who that his! It’s him, the ex-leader of ‘DoReMiMaiCai’ and ‘Ministry of Yall That Doesn’t Verks’, isn’t it? At first, I didn’t recognise him in Elton John-size dark glasses and without that rat pelt on his head. Seems to have lost a lot of weight too!

Good Dr Hello Machan, going back to your roots, ah, dei?

SS Himmler Ssh, brudder, keep it down. In the past, whenyever you called me ‘Machan’ I knew I vaz yin trouble straightyavay and had to be yapproving another toll road or bridge. So, pipe down, please Kerala machan. They’re still looking for me. No kommends and yall that. Look at me, yave some pity. Billions gone, now only left with a few hundred million. No EPF, Socso, so vat to do?

Good Dr What happened to those ‘we’re with you for life’ partners and supporters?

SS Himmler I had such good brudders, I nurtured then for more than 25 years – Hari, Indran, Nara, Dana, Ravi, Arun, Frank and Freddy. Then they yall turned on me and deserted me. I varned them, that ISA Mohd vill come yafter them. Did they listen? Now yevrything yis in ruins. I kant yeven go to the temble or Batu Caves yenymore lah, brudder!

Good Dr Well you know the old Japanese saying, ‘he who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day.’

SS Himmler Vy? Are you planning to make a Frank Sinatra-like come-back or what?

Good Dr Maybe. But, My way. But are you with me? The friend of my enemy is my enemy, but the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

SS Himmler (Sigh). Yin that case, I yave no choice. I yave to leave for Karagadaigoolie straight yavay.

Good Dr Mmm, Karagadaigoolie, Chennai, South India? Don’t believe I have heard of that place.

SS Himmler No, no stu..er, yai mean youver Majesty, Karagadaigoolie, Vest Melborne, Wastralia!! Bai, bai!!

Zz Ahem, (cough, cough), let’s move on Datuk Seri. Over here we have the most original ‘Gadai Nasi Padang’ stall closely architectured after the concepts found in Palembang in Sri Andalas of old, Sumatra of now. The stall is owned and operated by 2nd generation Bumiputra Indonesians, immigrants who also trace their ancestry to the ‘Land of The Rising Sun’ and the ‘Flag of The Fried Egg’, i.e. Japan. Meet Tuan and Puan Khairi Johari Fujimori Shams Thoyothatha.

P.Thoyothatha Welcome, Abang. You wan thu thry our grilled fish wis sweet kichap sauce, or fried chicken in basket or under glass in sweet kichap sauce or chili kankong in sweet kichap sauce all with rice in sweet kichap sauce, and washed down with hot tea in sweet… How about our fresh garlic & ginger-laced and steamed Othak Othak or beef in salty kichap or…..

Good Dr Kak, that’s ok, thank you. Don’t have to oversell. That’s a bit heavy for dinner, we only came for some teh tarik and roti chanai. Maybe, lunch tomorrow. But, where’s Thoyothatha. I thought you were a husband and wife team?

P.Thoyothatha Yes, but he’s been given extra-curricular duties by Zamzibar. He’s on the phone arranging for billboard advertisements in PJ and nearby Metropolitan areas and Mega Cities. Of course, we need lots of land for our Flagship ‘SRI STEPHANIES KONAR FOOD COURT’ planned for Sunshine Hill, and another mega 2,000-seater food court in Blackwater Forest Creek Hill. Kak Marion Kavisitas Caritas Caramba has very big plans, franchaise, and go international, Glocal, like McD or KFC. Ah, there he is, that little buzzing dynamo and bundle of energy.

K.Thoyothatha Arigato gozaimasu. Konnichiwa, konbanwa (Hello, good evening).
Preese to meetchyu, how to happyu?

Good Dr (in hushed tones) Muk, that’s not… no, it can’t be him. Can it?

Muk Don’t know dad, but that’s damn good Japanese. Could have fooled any Jap, could have fooled me!! But note that nip and tuck marks and botox lips. Ah, there’s the giveaway dad, right there!

Good Dr Where, where? If his face was like Britney’s, then I would have recognised him in an instant.

Muk He’s humming that BDS song from ‘Little Shop of Horrors’ movie!! Gotcha, abang!

K.Thoyothatha Ok, ok, I knows you knows. What syou wans me to do? Kommits hara khairy? You are the one who puts me up there. so you has to thake a lot of the blame as well?

Good Dr What! You dare to shift the blame to me?

Muk Let’s move on dad, Let’s not create a ruckus here. Honourable Thoyothatha not so honourable.

Zz Oh, by the way, besides food and drinks, we also have a covered Cyber Café and lounge where you can surf the net or watch DVD’s/ Sing Karaoke/Listen to Music CD’s etc. We also have several tastefully-renovated and decorated rooms for private functions. Let’s go meet the co-ordinator, a very entrepreneurial, enterprising and high-achieving member and performer from of unique Management team. Ah, towkay Chua Of Late got ah?

Chua Of Late Who’s that? Ah, Zamzibar, how can I assist you and your very, very distinguished guests?

Zz Can you provide your personal services to Datuk Seri & Dato, take them on a personal tour of your Entertainment Centre?

Chua Of Late Sure, sure. Biz is booming. Never knew DVD’s were so popular. Whoa, can’t keep up with the demand. They fight like tigers to get their hands on our exclusive DVD’s, you know? We have one of the most comprehensive DVD collections in the world. We cater for all and every variation of needs.

Good Dr You have Gone With The Wind ? My Fair Lady? Sound of Music?

Chua Of Late No.

Good Dr Casablanca? Ali Baba Bujang Lapok? Tiga Abdul? Kattabomman?

Chua of Late No.

Muk Sword of The Samurai, Rashomon, Ran?

Chua of Late No.

Good Dr/Muk What do you have, then?

Chua Of Late Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. You know, the ones where there are close encounters of the 4th kind, in nirvana, where art and subtle techniques overwhelm the senses?

Good Dr/Muk Name some titles.

Chua Of Late Lord of the Members, Of Impossible Bondage, Quasimodo & Esmerelda, Agony & Ecstasy, When Carol Meets Dick, Sleepless In The Back Seat, Bazookas vs B52’s on the River Kwai, etc etc. You know, where they don’t snip out the ’oohs’ and the ‘aahs’.

Good Dr/Muk We’ll take a rain check on that. What next Zz, we’re getting a tad hungry. Perhaps some roti chanai?

Zz One last stop. We have also set up a travel and legal services advisory booth. So, let’s go meet the entrepreneur Chief, Joseph VT Charlie Chin, former Master of The Rock & The Rolls. Ah, there you are Master, just came back from NZ did you?

Master Who is asking? Who wants to know? Should I get legal advice? Is this my castle?

Zz You tell us.

Master And who may you be, kind sirs? You look very familiar. You look like the Good Dr, walk like the Good Dr, talk like the Good Dr and apanama like the Good Dr, but who can tell, short of a DNA test. Are you the original copy? You are not drunk are you?

Good Dr I am not sure myself, it was all so long ago.

Master Correct, correct, correct!! My memory too is not so good these days you know?

Good Dr So, what should we do when booking overseas holiday packages, what are the pitfalls, what should we watch out for?

Master Good questions, good questions. First book it yourself, do not under any circumstances trust your secretary or your friend’s secretary. Then pay the fees and credit card expenses with your personal crossed account payee cheque. Then if you accidentally meet your friend while on holiday in Awkwardland, don’t invite him along and make sure you don’t pose for photos or videos. If you then find you some cash, a couple of hundred thousand, left in your hotel room by benefactor-parties unknown, you are not obliged to disclose or declare it to the Inland Revenue. So, spend some and keep the balance under your pillow. Don't go house hunting with lawyer friends, or their brothers or their drivers. If….Hold it, hold it! No notes, absolutely No notes!!

Good Dr Sorry, force of habit.

Master Now, where were we?

Good Dr I forget.

Muk Cash, Inland Revenue, No notes….

Master Ah yes! Look, let’s do this ex-parte, shall we, say at 11 a.m. tomorrow at the karaoke chambers? I feel a bit tired from talking so much.

Zz Sure, lets go Datuk. Let me invite you to my little 24-hour side stall. Forget the roti chanai, we serve the best mutton murtabha and dalcha curry

Half An Hour Later

Good Dr/Muk That was really good, Zz, better than Dawood’s in Penang. But, I have a question.

Zz Fire away.

Good Dr Everything here is ‘Pay Cash’, no credit cards or cheques. The place is packed. What do you do with all the money?

Zz I’ll let MKCC answer that.

MKCC We are lucky to have procured the services of one of the most astute financial managers in the country, Tan Sri Ong Lim Keng Koah Tsu Koon (OK), following his resignation from the much venerated Heavenly Malaysian Chinese Gerakgeri Association. Let me call him over for a chat, shall we?

OK Ah yes, fancy seeing you here Datuk Seri. Celebrating your son’s victory, I suppo? Congratuilations!

Muk Arigato, arigato.

Good Dr So, you are retiring from politics, for good?

OK Yes, time to go. You know the ungrateful runnning dogs! They are quoting to my face ‘Fish lot flom the head!!’ Niama.

Good Dr Cool down, cool down. That’s what they said to my face also the day after I voluntarily stepped down.

OK What, ‘Fish lot…

Good Dr No, no. Other things, but never mind. So, what is your investment strategy?

OK We must have two books strategy. So, first 5 years, we declare all losses. Then 50% excess cash we lend to Ah Long at 3% per month compounded, and balance plough back in food court biz as ‘Directors’ Loans’. Then we go for listing..

Good Dr Muk I think this is where we came in. Let’s go. Thank you gentlemen for your valuable time and hospitality.

Muk Sayanora!!

Good Dr Oh, btw OK, what do you do with all your free time?

OK Talke long walks in the rubber estate bordering my bungalow, run round the bushses and trees, and you know, do what the ruber-tapper Ind…

Good Dr Good bye, OK.

8th March 2008. True & Fair Elections?

by g.washington post, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for voting affairs

The rusty and creaking remnants of the government machinery have cranked up quickly and shifted into overdrive in trying to salvage a modicum of respect from the dismal dregs of defeat in the recently concluded elections. In attempting to put a positive spin on the devastation that followed in the wake of ‘T080308’ - Tsunami 8th March 2008 - the party spindoctors and sycophant faithful have been quick to proclaim that, if nothing else, the results prove that we are a showcase for Democracy, and that the machinations of the EC and its long-serving Chief, have always been above-board.

The post-election leaders in the state-controlled newspapers, and the shell-shocked, battered and bruised blue-and-black PM and his much discredited motley crew, who looked like they had just barely managed to crawl out of the gas and mustard poison-filled fumes of the World War I trenches at Ypres, would have you believe that it was, to borrow an auditing term, a ‘True and Fair’ elections.

Nothing could be further than the truth!

Were it not for the hawk-like vigilance of the opposition parties, the incumbents might have got away with open, ‘mass murder’, so to speak.

Gerrymandering has long been the order of the day in ensuring native-dominated and correspondingly smaller constituencies held over-sway and a disproportionate say in determining election victories.

Now is the time to hold the EC, whose chief’s manipulated extension of tenure by Constitutional amendment was objected to by the Opposition (and whose concerns were peremptorily dismissed by the PM), accountable for all the oddities in the Electoral Roll and process.

Managers who work in private-sector organisations would not last 30 months in their jobs if they frequently made errors of Titanic magnitude!! 30 Years? That is the very reason for Nuremberg, for crimes against Humanity. Yet, the pathetic sycophants would have you believe that the EC Chief’s continued service was necessary, nay absolutely essential, for transparency and integrity to prevail. It begs the question why we have an EC with hundreds, if not thousands, of staff. In 30 years, at least one or two of them could have been trained to be an adept and effective No.2, to take over the reins at the appointed time, which, given the Civil Service and its penchant for the SOP (Standard Operating Procedure), is known way in advance?

Yet extensions of tenure of service seem to be the order of the day – for everything from the post of Head of Civil Service, to the Judiciary, Police, Army, Navy, Airforce, ACA et al. No one’s work seems ever finished, even if they have been at it for 30 years. No one retires at the appointed time. Life-long tenure, if that could be worked in. In the newspaper cartoon strip, Bristow, a long-serving and suffering clerk, used to mutter about being 332nd or something in the line of succession for the position of Chief Clerk!

This fau pax, a defect in character, which points towards the reason why none of the political parties here have ever had an orderly succession of credible leaders, is congenital, and borne of a group of men who have never truly had to really work for a living and who have never been through the rough and tumble of the mill. If they have, they then feel they are entitled to be multi-millionaires when they eventually (choose to) retire, even if they have occupied a sinecure’s post for the better part of their adult existence.

So, my fellow citizens, let’s ask some pertinent and pointed question of the exalted and venerated EC Chief :-

1. Was the order ever placed to purchase 48,000 bottles of indelible ink from India at the cost of RM 2.4 million?

2. Was the ink delivered before the elections? Please provide documentary evidence such as Purchase Order, Invoice, Customs Declaration and Import documents, Delivery Order from supplier etc.

3. Please provide the names, occupation and IC Number of the person(s) who made police reports that indelible ink had been smuggled in (and from where was it smuggled so quickly). Please provide copies of the relevant Police Report(s).

4. Please explain rationally and in detail, how national security could have been imperilled and compromised, and electoral fraud committed, had indelible ink been used, Weren’t your officers out there by the thousands to prevent just that from occurring?

5. Please explain why your legal officer(s) had not addressed the issue of Constitutional amendment , or sought the AG’s opinion on such an important issue, much earlier.? Please identify and name the derelict and delinquent legal officer so that he/she can be reprimanded as provided for by the SOP.

6. How is possible that after 30 years of your tenure, we have some 8-9 thousand registered voters age 120 and over on the Electoral Roll? What do you intend to do about this now?

7. How is that they were reports (as shown on national TV) of phantom voters and also duplicate registration of army personnel?

8. Why is it that after 30 years, it is still not possible for those residing outstation to vote by post, instead of actually having to travel back to their home-towns to do so - a rather expensive and inconvenient process you agree?

9. Why is that after 30 years, it is not possible for those eligible citizens studying, working or who have travelled, overseas, at the time of Elections, to vote at the respective Embassies, High or Trade Commission offices overseas?

Please do not insult our intelligent by announcing, like a (in) famous, now defunct MB, that our standards are higher than those in New Zealand, Belgium and other leading western cities and countries.

If you feel that you do not owe the citizens of this country a proper and detailed explanation to the foregoing questions, then please tender your resignation to the Government forthwith! We do not appreciate those civil servants whose salaries and perks are paid for from taxes levied on our hard-earned private-sector income, doing nothing more than warming the seat of their chairs for 30 years, and then instead of carrying out their duties diligently and impartially, conspire with their political masters to try and put one over their fellow citizens.

donplaypuks with my voting rights man!! donplaypuks® at http://donplaypuks.blogspot.com

MANGLISH TO ENGLISH 1.01? 70% OF MALAYSIAN ENGLISH TEACHERS NOT FIT TO TEACH!

"70% Of English Teachers Not Fit To Teach!" M2DAY 

CLICK HERE

by prof henry higgins doolittle, Donplaypuks®intrepid correspondence for manglish affairS 

 

ONE FINE MORNING AT SM SUBANG PASU (SECONDARY SCHOOL) AT 8 A.M.

Good morning, everyone.

Good morning,Teacher.

We’ll let’s begin today, the first day of school, with English 1.01, which you must master if our nation is to achieve its target for Information & Computer Technology (ICT) by 2020. We have to start anew. Forget what you learnt in the past.

For today, we will go through some very basic ‘do’s and dont’s. Then, to complete the course, over the next six months, we will start tomorrow with foundation work, i.e. bricks and mortar stuff – grammar - and move on to punctuation, sentence construction, pronunciation, conversations, essays and precis.

(All) Yes, teacher.

Let’s start with Verb/ Adverb and Noun/Adjective. A verb indicates some form an action and an adverb the type of action e.g. He was driving fast. `Driving’ is the verb and ‘fast’ the adverb.

Similarly a noun describes an object, person or thing and an adjective describes the noun e.g. ‘This is a red ball.’ Ball’ is the noun and ‘red’ is the adjective.

(All) Verb/Ad….’

Now, repeat after me ‘e’ before ‘i’, except when ‘c’ comes first.’

(All) ‘e before i…..’

Good. That’s why it’s ‘achieve’ when c comes first, but ‘neither’, when there’s no c.

Also, remember the either/or and neither/nor rule. E.g. ‘Neither he nor his friend skipped school.’ Or ‘You should use either plastic or plain brown paper for your text-book covers.’

Repeat after me.

(All) ‘Either/or and …….’

Excellent! Now, especially, Indians. The phrase ‘isn’t it’ only applies to sentences which start with ‘It’ in the form of a question, e.g. ‘It is true that you were absent, isn’t it?’ ‘Isn’t it ‘ and ‘is it’ are not a phrases to be attached universally to any and every sentence which is a question, UNDERSTAND!!

(All) Yes, teacher.

‘Isn’t it’ cannot be used in ANY of the following types of sentences:-

‘You were going home, isn’t it?’ - WRONG!! Since ‘were’ is past tense, the question should be ‘weren’t you?’

‘Lingam was going to make a phone call , isn’t it?’ - WRONG!! Since ‘was going’ is past continuous tense - the question should be ‘wasn’t he?’

‘The children will be playing football, isn’t it?’ - WRONG!! Since ‘will be playing’ is future tense - the question should be ‘won’t they?’

‘You think I am a trolley-dolly, is it?’ – WRONG!! You think I am a trolley-dolly, do you?’

Understand? Please repeat after me.

(All) Excellent! Now especially Ind…….

Now, the Chinese. You cannot include the word ‘one’ wherever you like in a sentence e.g. ‘I wish to deposit some cash in my bank account one.’ Or, ‘Why you so like that one?’ or ‘When you talk like that one, I don’t know what to say one. ’The word ‘one’ should be left out completely in these instances.

Also, get this right!! ‘Rai’, ‘Latok’, ‘Can I lend your badminton racket’ or ‘Eh, borrow me your pencil’ should be Right. Dato. Can I borrow your badminton racket. Eh, lend me your pencil.

Also, you should pronounce these words properly – It is ‘try’ not ‘tchai’, ‘special’ not ‘specer’, ‘die’ not ‘dieded’. Tiew Bor? Repeat after me!!

(All) Tiu…..

Now, the Malays – Wis, Lah, Kan, Steady-lah brudder, Jom – these have no place in English language. Do not drop d, t and s at the end of words e.g. ‘comment, not commen,’ ‘experiment, not experimen’ ‘defence, not defen, ‘depend, not depen.’

It is ‘with’ not ‘wis.’ It is 'that means' not 'that's means.'

Now all repeat after me, ‘The following Malay and Chinese words may not be included anywhere in an English sentence, in speech or in writing –, Alamak, Adoi, Shiok, Leh, Mah, Lor and Kaninawi. E.g ‘Come over to my house, lah’ or ‘Adoi, what happened to your face?’ or “When you buy that T-shirt you get another one free lor ’ or ‘I went to pay the bills, mah!’ or ‘Kaninawi, what did you call my father?’ or ‘This ice cream, very the shiok one.’

(All) ‘Now, esp….Malays…..’

Good. Next, repeat after me, ‘it is ‘Total’ not ‘Thothal’, ‘Tomato’ not Thomatho.’ Similarly, ‘better’ not ‘betther’ etc. etc In English there is no silent ‘h’ after the letter ‘T’ or ‘C.’ In particular, for proper nouns, e.g. if a person’s name is Chandran, you may not spell or pronounce it ‘Candran,’ or spell it as ‘Cina’ when you mean the country ‘ China.’. Don’t pronounce ‘Canada’ as Chanada. It should be ‘Chit Chat’ not ‘Cit Cat.’

(All) ‘It is Total not Th…..’

Good. Now repeat after me, ‘There are no such things as ‘American English’ or ‘Microsoft English.’ Hence, it is ‘nationalise, not ‘nationalize’. criticise not criticize, demonise not demonize, neighbour, not neighbor, rumour not rumor.

(All) There is no such thing as Am….

Good. Now for some major pronunciation errors by local TV newsreaders and those from a neighbouring unknown country across the causeway. Repeat after me,’Some capitals of countries in Asia are,’ Tokyo not Thokyoh, Jakarta not Jicarter, Taipeh not Thighpay, New Delhi not New Del Hee.’

(All) Some capitals of……

Good. That is all for today. For homework, to be passed up Wednesday, please complete Exercise 1 – 3 in your English Reader for Idi… er… no, Beginners.

That’s all for now Teachers. There’s a long way to go, another six months at least, before I let you loose on Secondary 1 students.

(All) Thank you, Teacher Trainer!!

dontchplaypuks® with my english man!!

'MASA AIRLINES REVAMP FINAL, FINAL, DEFINITELY LAST TIME ONE' SAYS CHAIRMAN

By Earheart Lindhberg, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for Aviation Affairs

In the wake of Q1 losses of $ 250 million and further forseeable losses of $1 billion, KorpoRat Kepten Moonira Nor Ali Bacha (popularly known as Jag), Non-executive Jedi Chairperson of Mana Ada System Airlines (MASA),speaking from corporate HQ in MU Stadium, Manchester, had this to say to Earheart Lindhberg of donplaypuks®.

EL Well Jag, how’s the going?

MOON Very tough!! Well, you know, when the going gets tough, the tough disap.., er no, get going. So, I got going to Manchester. United are 10 points behind the Blues, but with a game in hand. Ladbrokes is already paying out on the Blues to win the league. Fortunately, I had, with Sir Alex’s advice, hedged my bets, and so will come out ok.

EL Er, Jag, I mean about MASA.

MOON Well, why didn’t you say so for God’s sake, you berk!! Of course, that’s where the whole problem started. We didn’t have Sir Alex on MASA’s Board of Directors. Otherwise, we could have understood how this hedging worked, and squared our exposure to fuel price hikes, the sole and only cause of our huge losses. If anyone says it is due to overstaffing, old fogeys gaji buta on the Board, poor management & marketing etc., I will not hesitate to have them arrested under the OSIBISA (Official Secrets, Intelligence, Banking and Internal Security Act)

EL Surely, your Board should have been aware of the situation much earlier from the monthly Management accounts and reports? Early warning systems?

MOON Although Moh Nomore, ex-MASA MD and his committee had said in 2003 that that revamp was the best ever and final one, we regret to announce that it is not so. We will have to withdraw that entry from the Genius Book of Records. The `Old Guard’ committee forgot to hedge against aviation fuel price rise, which slight oversight has resulted in massive losses. You know that old saying ‘a camel is a horse invented by a committee’.

Anyway, a totally independent internal investigation reveals that for sure no one is to be blamed, and the sudden resignation and departure of MASA’s CEO yesterday has no bearing on the issue. Any politicization of the issue will result in a RM 100 billion law suit by MASA and arrests under the OSIBISA.

EL But, we were told that the previous CEO was a HavOxBridge triple degree graduate who was capable of wonders. What happened there? Anyway, weren’t you part of the ‘Old Guard’?

MOON He is still capable of doing wonders at his new CEO position at a GLC. He has wonderful knowledge of management and airlines business, now. We were thinking of sending him on a Phd course to the Karl Icahn Institute of Aviation in U.S.A. A little too much too late. Anyway, I was non-exec Chairman, the CEO is responsible for losses.

EL So Jag, what’s next?

MOON Firstly a committee under me will manage the corporate affairs for a while. The Board has moved with blinding speed, and successfully appointed Kapit Sawit, from the East, as the new CEO of MASA. Kapit who is reputed to be a turn-around specialist had risen to the highest echelons in MNC, Michelle Petrogas.

He is the nation’s answer and most logical choice to MASA turning in a decent profit. No doubt Kapit has zero knowledge of the aviation industry, but this should not be held against him. I, as non-exec Chairman will assist him forev.., er, no, for a while, till we have turned the corner.

Together with my new Jaguar, er, no, I mean new CEO, we will soar ever upwards and pilot MASA to new heights in profitability, go boldly where no woman has gone before, to infinity and beyond, and further and …..a woman’s reach should grasp a man’s excess, or else what’s a heaven for?

EL What about the rumours that Founding partner, CEO and Chief Baggage Handler of low cost carrier, Certified Helluva Experience Aero Planes (CHEAP) airlines, Antonio Bassanio Fredo Manfredo (popularly as Freddy Laker), has been asked to take over MASA, with him as its Managing Director.

MOON No rumour to the truth at all. It’s not the right time for CHEAP to take over MASA. Besides the Bum…, er no, the people as a whole are genuinely not ready yet for a Kottai Indian to run MASA. Yes, we are all equal, and we strictly adhere to the Premier’s policy of meritocracy. But some are more equal and meritocraceous than others.

We are also planning for the nation to be a regional hub for aviation, given our expertise in loss.., er, no, lots of flying around. So, no room for CHEAP stunts. By the way do you know the difference between a circus artiste juggling 6 balls and Marilyn Monroe? No? The first is a cunning stunt….’

Anyway, I need to go now to the washoom, must be that roti jala I had this morning, doesn’t seem to agree with me at all. You know, my mother always said, ‘Moonira yang, stick to roti chanai and dalcha for breakfast and you won’t go wrong.’ Should have remembered that!!

STOP PRESS

New MASA CEO, Kapit Sawit, who admits his favourite food is, yes, it’s true, roti jala, and who hails from a small village of over-achievers from the East said Monday, `There is no rumour to the truth that I am a Christian, and that pressure had been exerted on all national and regional newspapers to voluntarily blank out this politically insignificant fact. Please do not politicize political issues, even if they are of a political nature – this is the true national way,’ he pleaded.

STOP STOP PRESS

CHEAP airlines CEO Freddy Laker said Monday from Bali that he was happy where he was with CHEAP, and could wait till MASA’s net worth collapsed to $ 1, and pick up the whole company for a song `Fly Me To The Moon For $ 2 ’. Except I need to consult MASA’s previous owners to find out how to buy MASA for 200% financing, and then sell it back for $ 10 per share, when the market price is $ 5, and make a killing. This, believe me, is true genius and entrepreneurialship!!

Freddy also dismissed as the work of luddites, communists and Zionist, complaints published in on-line newspaper, malaysiasoros@.con of frequent delays and cancellations of CHEAP flights. ’Our track record speaks for itself, just ask those thousands lying around on the floor of our airport waiting lounges.’

donplaypuks® with me ma'am!!*****************************************************************************************************************

BANGING ON YOU, VALUED CUSTOMER!

By Mamak Rashid Chua Husnain Nor Ali Bacha , donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for Bank Affairs

Most Valued Customers Bank Berhad Group MD, Allan Bananacake-Havers Greenscam, recently held a ‘top-level Executive Directors only’ meeting to chart a new direction for the banking group. Sources close to the top-management, on conditions of anonymity, reported verbatim the meeting that took place, to donplaypuks®. QUOTE:

Well gentlemen, I am looking at the Group’s performance report for the last quarter, ‘hot off the press’ as it were. To put it bluntly, we have slipped into the negative profits zone, for the second consecutive quarter. This is the first time in three years that this has occurred. Technically, the bank is in recession. This is very alarming news indeed.

Not only that. The results for the last three years, taken as a whole, are very, very disturbing indeed. Two standard deviations about the Bell normal curve, indicate a 95% probability that we are trending towards long-term decelerating growth on a downward accelerating parabola as compared to the previously up-surging y-axis infinity non-converging revenue and profits lines. Regression Analysis confirms a strong correlation between growth in negative profits and oil prices, wages and inflation. Von Neumann-Forbes Nash game theory simulations confirm that beautiful minds alone cannot retrieve the situation.

What would your uptake be on that, Amirshams, as COO & Chief Financial Officer?

‘Kawanku, it’s obvious. Lay-offs, overheads & cost cutting measures, the usual economies, are in order. There is ferocious, tigrish competition out there. So, increase bank and ATM charges for the masses, most valued customers, then get our doctors to spin ‘googlies’ and ‘chinaman’ that ‘this is really in your, and your children’s and children’s children’s, interest, or like that booming bang resc…,er no, restructured with NatPetroGAs money, we may bank left and sink downwards.’

‘Interesting. Let the Nielsen public poll findings come in. What do you think about layoffs, Showmemoreofdamoney Nava?

‘At Human Resources & Buruh, down-sizing is always a first option, in situations such as these. Clear the deadwood and zombies. Voluntary Divorce Schemes (VDS) are very popular these days. Have to take care with the unions around, though.’

Maybe. Any suggestions from you, Hong Bao Piow, Head of Corporate Affairs?

‘Go public with the results and findings, transparency is the best policy. Be completely open with fund managers and analysts.Acquire new banks in HK, to expand to PRC eventually. Increase dividend payout.’

‘Good, I like that. Al-Rashid, for Credit & Risk Management?’

‘Increase bad debts provision and don’t bother trying to collect old debts, just write-off. Clear the deck with one-time charge, for this year, and announce it over a 10-course dinner for ‘leading’ analysts and foreign fund managers, at Shan-gorilla Hotel. They will then be pacified, and happy; then we’ll see about another one-time charge for next year, and the one beyond…. Get fresh cash injection from Khazanah / EPF/SOCSO, the usual whipping boys. Last option –
Danaharta. Harun from Baghdad, Hussein of Jordan, and the Kok Group, may be interested in the 30% stake vacated by friendly parties from the East.’

‘Food for thought there, thought the SC may have some objections vis-à-vis subjudice re on-going court cases. But we can’t lean on canes from Danaharta, not an option for me. Anyway, Azman, what about Merchant Banking?’

‘The Arabs may be interested mah, tengtra tengtra tengtra tengtra treng,thom thom!! Can talk to them over camel burgers and smokes of peppermint-flavoured hookah; perhaps send El Lawrence, our best negotiator in Jeddah and Aqaba, over to sound them out? Also, more ads on Redioconfusion to improve our out-of-date stodgy image. Motivate staff – have more karaoke sessions, sing-a-longs.

‘Worth exploring, I think. Get your man over to Dubai, pronto. Nazir, Mergers & Acquisitions, your thoughts on a white knight if we need one?

‘South South Bank & Credit Cards may be itching. GLC of S’pore is cash rich. Can we forge an Alliance with GLC? What are your immediate thoughts on that Bridgette Teong Hean, as Legal Head?’

‘Have to get central bank appro to make a frontal assault. If the straight approach doesn’t work, then we should make a paradigm shift and take a somewhat curved approach, through a third link. A cynical view, perhaps, but we have to bridge the gap, whatever the scenario. GLC S’pore won’t be a push-over.’

‘But will we get the compensation we desire? Talk to the Jedi Master Planner of The Realm. Anything promising on Car Loans HP & Leasing, Albert?’

‘We can engineer a hostile takeover of EON Credit & Leasing. Captive market. Our in-house wiras and satrias, who are THE car loans experts, can turn it around. Must meditate in the Lotus position for the inspiration to come up with the right strategy.’

‘Who knows.This may be the next engine of growth for us. Work on it. Retail Banking, Current & Deposit Account, Ms Evonne Quek nee Quik Chek?’

‘Introduce service charge for current account balances below $3,000. No statements / books for savings a/c. Reduce counter-staff – only two counters to be opened between 9-12 and 2-4; lunchtime – only 1 counter. Increase ATM machines and chip-based ATM cards - $ 20 each. Out-source cheque & statements printing. This should free up lemmings for the VDS. Standard $15 for all non-standard customer inquiries. Should generate $25 million a year, at least. But need to subject simulation models to rigorous sensitivity analysis. Step up personal Premier banking.’

Well, you’ve really put on the thinking cap. Any suggestions from Credit Cards, Piyush?

‘Yes, we should have a separate office in the City for this. Introduce Loyalty Program, with the world’s first chip-based IAEA Uranium Card, aimed at Corporate High-Flyers, politicians, high-net worth individuals. Platinum cards have lost their lustre with being given free to students in USA. I’ll come up with a full branding proposal if you give me the green light.’

‘Excellent. Steve Gates, what does IT figure?

‘Job’s for the experts. Doesn’t require the Delphic Oracle to compute. No Soft options. We have to look for a total solution from the Micro to the Macro level. Immediately engage world-class WarrenBerksHalfwaythereAndersonnomoreSaps Consulting, to carry out a feasibility study. RAM through internet banking and we should get there in mega bits and bytes, if not in gigabytes. We have strong intel from binary, inside sources at the IRS, that new tax incentives are on the way, for banks to go high-tech and re-organise – new round of mergers and consolidation vis-à-vis WTO 2008 deadline. Success will be a hard drive.Gosh, I’m hungry; time for an apple.’

‘Go go, Steve. Man’s Job, but watch out for GIGO,and KISS.’

‘Well, Insurance can make a quantum leap with prudential policies, despite competition from our great, eastern neighbours. We are endowed with great expertise.There will be tremendous opportunities in life-time warranty underwriting policies. We can also branch into Home Loans, Study Loans and other financial services, go glocal.’

‘On the ball as usual. Thank you Sir Levy Hans Solow Green!

Oh, and SK, what about contributions from Stock-broking?’

‘Well, we are very much dependent on global events and sentiments these days. The KL Casino Exchange is erratic, but the First Board should, in my opinion, without prejudice, cross 1,300 by year end. This is indicated by the intersection of the triple-witching ‘T’ O-1-O front and back cleavage lines extensions with the up-trending 3-day contra-average of the saw-tooth index oscillations and the 36-24-36 Eva Longoria curves, in accordance with the Wave-Elliot Theory predictions. Then it will be boom town Charlie, all the way to 1300! After that, the next line of resistance will contango and joget in the narrow band between 1,300 and 1350, when desperate housewives, fish-mongers and taxi drivers will try to jump in, at which point, trading will be speculative but surge to 1375, re-trace - temporary correction - its way back and be range-bound between 1350 -1375. We should not short-sell the Second Board and Mesdaq.They will mirror the First, with concentration on second-liners and speculative penny stocks. I see some raising of iris’ and eyebrows, here and there?

Of course, we must take cognizance of contrarian views. Blooperburger Agency may have a differing opinion.If by some miracle, our scientific forecasts do not come to pass, then any of, a flip of a 10 sen coin, throw of darts or the
DowGonemoneymancyTofuSifuFengshuiVaastuPenangAngsanaTree Scientifically Most Ever-Rise Index, will be the next best option, for directions, er..I think, er.. without prejudice, E & EO, caveat emptor. My stock-hogwarts-fact sheets are not solicitations to anyone to invest. I am not responsible for any losses whatsoever, that you may incur. Yah.’

Based on that analysis, I wouldn’t go out and place the order for my Ferrari just now.

But there, I think you all understand the seriousness of the problem confronting us. Let’s mull over the points made at the discussions today. Come prepared for detailed discussions, with more options and solutions, 9 a.m. tomorrow. Thank you.

Meeting adjourned.

donplaypuks® with me man!!
*************************************************************************************

BOTHAMSWINGSBOTHWAYS

EX-R2D2DPHITSFMAM & 5AM JEDI MASTER SUES EX-CHIEF JEDI MASTER PLANNER OF THE REALM FOR RM 100 BILLION

By Mamak Geoffrey 50 Dhal Roti Chanai Nor Ali Bacha, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for Legal and Gay Affairs

Mamak Annuar Bothamswingsways Nor Ali Bacha, Former R2D2DPHITSFMAM & 5AM ex-Jedi Master Planner of The Realm popularly called ‘Bothamswingsbothways’ Tuesday filed a defamation suit against ex-Chief Jedi Master Planner of The Realm, Rama Maha Firaun Darthvader Jedi 1, affectionately as Pak Che Tak Bajet or Tak Bajet for short, for RM 100 billion.

Speaking from Washington, where he is lechering as a Voice of Moderation in Religion and Global Politics, Bothamswingsbothways said,`I am really pissed off that Tak Bajet still casts aspersion in public on my alleged (expunged) inclinations. The nation's highest court has cleared me of all charges. Now I have no choice but to sue that old goat. I am not interested in money, but justice must not only be seen to be done, but must be actually done. What his agenda is I do not know, but he seems to stirring up a lot of tahi (shit) after retirement, going after that rAPidfire Jedi Master Planner of The Realm for Mitigation & Motors, and car company ENIGMA or ElectronNuetronIntraGormenMotorAgency. This will all back-fire on him, especially so as it has its roots in the 20 years of Tak Bajet’s tenure as the nation’s numero uno samurai.’

Tak Bajet, speaking from on top of his favourite horse `My Way’ at a local Keora Orange Equestrian Club said 'Bothamswingsbothways is entitled to exercise his rights under the law, and so am I. I believe he has strange (expunged) desires. At least one judge said that in that infamous verdict, so I am entitled to my opinion. But there is more evidence which I will reveal in due course. Actually, no need poof to know he is a (expunged). But even during the earlier trials there were many accurate reports in the thothally independent New StateThime, of Bothamswingsbothways' (expunged) tendencies :-

1. Jaafrust Ali Liwat, his class teacher at the famous MC Hammer College who said 'Bothamswingsbothways had even then, in his early years, exhibited suspicious (expunged) behaviour. For example, he never used to go near the girls, but would only hang around everywhere with the boys, including, but not limited to, the showers, after football and rugby (Hang on, wasn’t MCHC a Full Boarding Boys’ School? Yes, but that is a minor point)

There were other symptoms. He was heard saying 'bugger-off' on a number of occasions to the prefects. He would not play singles in Badminton, Ping Pong or Tennis, and always wanted to play in the back-row in rugby scrums, refused to volunteer to act in the class play, 'Romeo & Juliet' but then entered his own farce called 'Tuah and The Four Male Musketeers' for the Malay Society. In his senior graduating year, he played the part of Brick in the school play `Cat on A Hot Tin Roof’, you know, that famous play on peculiar (expunged) tendencies by Tennessee Williams.’

2. Retired former Chief Secretary to MoF Inc Ltd, Latok Wan Moh Dollah , now chairman of listed concern United Cars, Bikes, Motorbikes, Trucks, Lorries & Tow-Trucks and All Public Transport (drawing a monthly salary of RM 100,000 with Car, Mercedes C Class, Chauffer, Personal Secretary, Financial Assistant and 6-months guaranteed bonus per annum, as part of a moderate package) revealed to me,

‘I had accompanied Bothamswingsbothways on numerous official overseas trips to London, Paris and Washington. On these trips Bothamswingsbothways, as soon as meetings were over, would disappear alone without leaving word as to his whereabouts, and return to his hotel room at 5 a.m, humming that popular peculiar (expunged) tendencies song `Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover’ by those two famous Zionist konspirasi-Jewish singers, Simone & Garfunkleburger. This was especially so in Washington, where Bothamswingbothways now lechers in a University.

Tak Bajet, on the other hand, would start work at 5 a.m. and go on working till 5a.m. the next morning, and exhaust and kill us all, but he was very open, challenging, and full of fun, and we never had time to go out and enjoy the nightc…, no I mean, the nice culture of the countries. Bothamswingsbothways' conduct was always suspicious, what you would expect from a (expunged), but apparently a very jayful one at that.’

3. Former Lower R2D2DMFM for Higher Rural Agro, Tension & Farmers’ Huts, Latok Anwar No Dollah, now under investigation by the Also Corrup Association for alleged fraud of RM 100 million, said that 'Bothamswingsbothways, as a Jedi Master Planner of The Realm, was a very suspicious character. He would poke his nose and other parts where he had no authority and ask all kinds of suspicious questions. Once, I accidentally heard him say he was energized by that song `Wake Me Up B4 U Go-Go’ by George Michael, that famous ‘Wham’ singer with peculiar (expunged) urges.’

4. His adopted brother, Susila Soekarno Suharto, 35 and single, was always seen in the company of men only at his Mens’ Barber Shop in Kampong Pondan Dalam.

5. Retired Judge Jackup Air, speaking from his RM2 million bungalow in Subang Pasu Heights, said he had no regrets convicting Bothamswingsbothways of (expunged) his ex-driver, Azizah Ash Burn, now MD of menswear fashion company ‘The Feminine Touch’.

‘It was a no-holes barred legal battle. Bothamswingsbothways had engaged a barrage of the best legal brains money could buy. But you must realize that in our country, we have some of the best judges that money alone cannot buy.

I was moved to tears by the sincere oral submissions of Ash Burn. Even though mid-way during the trial Ash was convicted of committing (expunged) in another court, this did not, in my sincerest and considered opinion, affect Ash’s higher moral ground stance or credibility.

Furthermore, the fact that the apartment where the allegedly sordid acts took place was actually not built until several months after Ash first said the (expunged) took place (an alibi offered by the defence), or that the Jedi Polis Raja then fixed the vague date of the (expunged) act only after confiscating Bothamswingsbothways' personal diaries, or that at first Ash had claimed the (expunged) acts took place 5 years before the date in the charge sheet, in several leading 5-star hotels, none of which he could remember or name - these were all very minor discrepancies.
The body of evidence undert…, no I mean tabled in court, taken as a hole, shifted the balance of probabilities in favour of Ash, and against Bothamswingsbothways. The principle of Res ipsa loquitur (the thing speaks for itself) was never more applicable than in this case. Surely, there is no smoke without fire in which instance, you do not need to see the perpertrator with hand on someone else’s gun.’

donplaypuks® with me man!!

INSURAN

ONE FINE AFTERNOON AT THE MOTORCAR CLAIMS DEPT OF AMERICAN & EASTERN CO-OP INSURANCE CO.

2.15 p.m.

Good afternoon, Mr. Chrysler Benz Chan Abdullah, I’m here about my accident claim, I spoke to you on the phone day before yesterday. Is the cheque ready, your policy says all claims will be paid within 48 hours.

Ah yes, normally.

What do you mean, normally? Your agent who also made me sign up for a Personal Accident (PA) Policy for me, my wife and 3 children in 2001, said there would be no problem on claims, to just call him if I ever had a problem.

Did you call him?

Yes, but he didn’t answer his handphone, so I had to get everything done myself, and here I am. So, where’s the cheque?

Wellllll, terms and conditions apply, you know. Didn’t you read the small print?

Well, I didn’t read all the 2,500 clauses, just a few, or else I would have gone blind with the print-size - you’d need an electron microscope, I think. Anyway, your agent said not to worry if I had a claim, there would be no problem.

Well, the Adjuster hasn’t agreed on the figure yet, and there is the question of the minimum. Also, you used a non-panel motor repairs workshop, so, heck, we have to ask our panel inspector to assess the quality of parts and repair work, if you want to renew the policy.

Forget about renewal. That can wait. It’s a simple claim, I was rear-ended, the other party has admitted liability and the police have given their report in favor of my claim. What’s there to dispute?

Weelll , I think you’d better speak to our Adjuster over a cup of teh tarik, then all the problems will be solved within 24 hours. There are Excess and Exclusion clauses, you know. Gee whiz, lots of little, little things that can trip you up. Caveat Emptor, Habeaus Corpus, Locus Standi, Locus Sitti, Locust Stingeye etc etc– nasty creatures you know these latin terms, bite your ass if you don’t watch.

Oh, I see, it’s that old ‘adjuster back-hander’ routine is it? Anyway, I know that one, Locust Stingeye, it’s in the Bible.

Good for you, but there’s also nisi decree, sub judice, loco parentis, Rylands-Fletcher etc etc

Whoa, good god, wait a minute, now you got me really worried. I missed out something important didn’t I? I should have listened to my wife – she’d asked me to consult a lawyer or insurance consultant when I took the policy, but I trusted my agent, seemed such a nice guy!!

Chryst, so, what should I do now, Benz Chan?

Well, I’ll have a tea-chat with the Adjuster, while you fill up these forms for $1 million each for Health & Hospitalization Policies. Can’t be too careful when you have dependents.

Bu, but……. wasn’t there a Central Bank warning to insurance companies about loading people with all kinds of policies, especially when the insured is making a claim?

Welllllllllll, theres’ Res Ipsa Loquitor, Corpus Delicti, Inflagrante Delicto, Doctorine of Privity of Contract, Carpe Diem, etc etc. you know. Geez, you don’t want to be caught flat-footed, do you?

Ok, ok, where do I sign, just make sure the goddam claim is paid tomorrow.

donplaypuks® with me man!!