(THE FINAL PART, PART V - THE LAST SCUPPER or
by sheh heh heh radze burton, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for 1,001 nights affairs
The mentally sapped, bone and battle-weary, exhausted 40 Warlord-Thieves (WT’s) arrived in their latest chauffer-driven Prodanas and flip-flopped down willy-nilly in the high-back plush Italian-leather chairs around the Wooden Cabinet in that famous Stone Caves of wonders.
Even though they were parked around the concealed Stone Caves, in the shadows of the old oak trees with yellow ribbons tied round them, you could tell they were brand-new August 2008 model Prodana cars. The ‘10th engine and gear-box service due earlier of September 16th or 1,000km’ stickers displayed proudly in one corner of the windscreens were dead giveaways. Except for the WT’s from the East, who arrived in their Mercedes Kompressors, forced upon them despite their numerous protests. They had dutifully and conscientiously taken the precaution of providing a free ride to visiting foreign dignitaries hitch-hiking to the Capital!
Was it only 27 years, surely not? Gosh how time flies when you are having fun. But, these were not the best of times. The members of the Wooden Cabinet knew the krisis was literally at their door-step. September 16th was but a week away. And they had no solutions or stragedies to defeat Sir Asim Obasama’s attack on their New Deal Agriculture Bill, which if defeated in the House of $500 mil Repairs Leaking Caverns, would lead to wide-spread revolt and termination with extreme prejudice of the permanent kind for Alibabaji & his Kingdom of 40 Thieves.
No magic lamp and a genie to wish away all their ills. Not even a magic carpet to flee the marauding, watchful and vigilant snipers and opponents or the Oso Corrup Assoc. Even the judges who were once world-renown for their determination not to be bought by money alone seemed to have reformed and found new strength and feet.
Not so long ago, 27 years to be exact, Alibabaji The First had discovered the secret magical incantations in the famous hills of Dutakennybigbangdamanshires or the Shires, while wondering around in a state of constant and acute dilemma. He had always been regarded as being of the anal-retentive ilk by his fellow traders. But, he had seized his opportunity when it came. Carpe Diem indeed!!
All you had to do was stand in front of that magic Stone Caves and whisper the secret mantra,
$1b contract for Crooked Bridge To Nowhere Over Troubled Waters that did not even require detailed drawings. $300 mil contracts for Keposayang Bridge Over Troubled Highways that could be assembled with Horse Brand Super Glue. Contracts for $8b Bunkum Damns that were not even half-completed and cost-overruns were another $6b already. $1b contract for Krisistal Palaces of Worship reflected in a shower of glass. Brilliant $1b Long-Term Contracts for Regattas, sunk by a monsoon in a tea-cup and abandoned the following year. $6b contract for Iron & Steal scrap-metal biz. $b’s more for buses that don’t run, areoplanes that don’t fly, submarines that don’t sink or surface and double-tracks with no trains. And free-trade zone warehouses where no one trades, $2b & 3 b highways and power stations that cost 1/2 or 1/3 elsewhere. Not to mention the only known system of AP's in the world, where the holder could realise 100% Gross Profit on his Sales!! It was never-ending, or so it seemed.
A man’s reach could literally, easily, exceed his grasp when in possession of such a Contract, and boldly go where no man has gone before, to infinity and beyond to afford a 2nd or even 3rd tv newscaster, actress, diva or chanteuse trophy-wife by the simple expediency of a quick dash to South Thailand. And perhaps even later slyly tearing up the illegal marriage certificate to file for divorce & preserve wealth after enjoying a thrilling duku (fruitful knock) or ten at the drop-dead sexy & beautiful ladie's expense, leaving her stranded with the baby and the bathwater! Why, such wicked, evil behaviour was regarded, even admired locally, as chutzpah. It was often a pre-requisite for the assured elevation of WT's to some of the highest Public offices in the glorious Kingdom of Alibabaji & The 40 Thieves.
But, the WT’s really cared for those under their stewardship. They took their fiduciary duties seriously. Cries of ‘We are right behind you People. Tighten your belts and change your life-style. Be prudent. Economise now to defeat the beast of inflation for a better future for your children and your childrens' children!’ often rent the air very frequently in the haze and peat-fire smog-filled atmosphere of the Palace of the Successful Prince, especially from the 4th floor of it and below.
And when you had enough for the moment, all you had to do was whisper the secret mantra,
‘Close D Tap Once More Time Again Lah, Brudder.’
But then something went awry. Lately, the Stone Caves would NOT cough up to the magic words and would NOT shut or deliver contracts. They had tried everything. Halal certified Super Roller-grease, new ball-bearings (@ $1,000 per as disclosed by the Auditor General), C4 dynamite and prayers conducted by the Joint Consultative Religious Council for Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Sikhism, Taoism, Islam, Jainism, Judaism & Sai Babajism. Nothing worked. Even a loud threat to turn the Caves into a 6-STAR International Standard Heritage Hotel Twinned To Cultural Centre in Jalan TAR, elicited only utter silence. It was as though the camel’s back had finally been broken.
Eventually, the Stone Caves was Privatised to a Croney-owned $2 private company for $2 (all paid in shares with the Govt holding 1 Golden Share) with the specific caveat in the freehold title deed that ‘The Caves and the surrounding 1,000 acres of prime oak forest shall be utilised for tourism and tourist-related purposes only.’ The Croney promptly cleared most of the precious forest and sold the oak trees for $1/2b. After that, he embarked on disastrous hill-slope Condominium projects, resulting in massive land-slides and damaging flash floods throughout the Shires. The Croney then came up with a $2b proposal for a 30-year toll concession for the subterranean Flood Alleviation cum Reduction of Traffic Tunnel (FARTT). It was touted as 'being capable, pari passu (all things being equal)' of resolving the City's flood problems, when in actual fact it could at best mitigate 40% of it 'pari passu.' The project was promptly approved and hailed as a World's 1st with an appropriate listing in the Genius Book of Records.
The present Alibabaji was finally forced to bail-out the Stone Caves in the National Interest when the Croney next came up with a no-no proposal sketched hastily on the back of an envelope to develope the entire caves zone into a Las Vegas/Monaco/Macao-style Casino & Resort, aptly named Casiresortopolice! This was a sure-fired scheme guaranteed to lose Muslim votes at the next General Elections. Of course, it was all equitably settled with $2b cash compensation paid to the Croney for work-not-in-progress & suspended and the main cavern converted into Alibabaji's Kem Daud Think Tank Retreat. Another $1b had to be allotted, to tastefully re-furbish the interior (contract awarded to Cassius Sil’s Croneys) and beef up security (contract awarded to Rosemajibbed’s Croney). Such a stickler for justice and fair-play was our Alibabaji! Just, to a fault!
If an ill wind blows no good, then the Winds of Change blowing over the Kingdom of Alibabaji and his 40 Warlord-Thieves forebode trouble – Big Time!
Unbeknownst to the 40 WT’s were two more who were viewing the whole proceedings by CCTV from an adjacent, smaller, secret cave. They had clandistinely been indoctrinated into the WT cabal by Alibabaji and were none other than Cassius Sil (aka Hairy Plotter the Silly), Alibabaji’s Havoxbridge triple-degree holder PA and his constant companion, the half-Hindu, half-Christian Lion City spy 007.50, Harry Kali Mangkali, Chairman of gaji-buta (sinecure) Plc, Ecumenical Centre for the Masses of Libran Astrologers. Harry, who drank only non-alcoholic Martini, shaken, but not stirred, was licensed to kill AND/OR steal, from bodies dead or alive! Cassius Sil had lean and hungry looks and was constantly threatening to bury his opponents permanently!
‘Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, I call the meeting to order. They can start serving teh tarik, roti chanai, nasi lemak, rojak, chendol, laksa and Pasembur now. Rosemajibbed, what’s the plan? Any solutions? I’ve already announced my resignation. As Alibabaji-elect, it’s your call,’ quipped cheerfully an upbeat Pak Imam Hadhari aka Rip Van Winkle. Rip was sometimes cruelly mocked by wicked Chinese as 'Rip's Wan Wrinkled' as an answer to the riddle 'Who is the author of the famous Chinese Classic Novel 'Why Emperor Rip Has No Successor.' Of course this must take 2nd place to that other all-time no.1 Chinese Classic by Wan Hung Lo - 'Hernia!' And Rip was known to have Chinese DNA from his maternal grandfather from China!
‘Thank you’ whispered (he had noted how universally admired Don Corleone Marlon Brando was with this style of speaking in 'The Godfather') Chief in Command Rosemajibbed. I have consulted Sw(cough, cough) ami(cough, cough)ji Beeji(cough, cough). The stars are in our favour as are the actresses in Port Dickson. So, we have to move at full, break-neck speed.
I have a sooper stragedy to thwart Sir Abim Obasama’s plans to topple our Kingdom of WT’s. It’s called Ops Sikat Thighpay 1001-Floors Tall Story Skyscraper Everise Erection. I will be assisted by an eminently qualified Latok Captain Thief who is currently seconded to our Bintulu Broadcasting Corporation (BBC). He is none other than Latok CT SinKing Moh, who was also a major investor in the $4b (meter is still running) done-deal Free Warehouse Land Trade Centre in Portsweatinghangemhigh. The BBC had done excellent work for their overseas counterpart, BBC UK, with a sensational GongsiRayaDeepa Discovery Special titled ‘Do Frogs & Toads Leap Below or Above The Wind?’
‘Ah then, SinKing Moh’s done us in on a $4b deal. One of us. Eminently qualified!’ chanted the chorus as Alibabaji and the 39 WT’s murmurred as one.
‘Fcuking bloody hell, how did SinKing Moh achieve such outstanding results under our very noses? Take notes Harry Kali Mangkali! We will have him interrogated later by I Polis Raja and make him sing like a canary!’ swore a shaken AND stirred Cassius Sil.
‘The plan is simple. SinKing Moh will lead a team of 41 Captain Thief’s to Thighpay, Thighwan. They will spend their thighme in gainful employment studying how rice, vegetables and fruits can be cultivated in a completely solar-powered but otherwise artificial environment in a 1001-Floors Tall Story Skyscraper Everise Erection. Thighwan has the leading technology in the world for such tall story erections. Also, in view of unpredictable and changing climates, shortage of suitable land and high cost of labour, we need to look at not necessarily cheaper, but more economical alternatives to traditional agricultural cultivation methods.
With state-of-the-art solar radiation technology and new cross-breeding techniques applied with missionary zeal we will secure never before achieved record high yield throughputs & seed emissions. This will enable our WT's to penetrate export markets which are in the vice-like grips of cartels operating from East Asian countries like Thighwan,’ continued Rosemajibbed.
'Any rumour to the truth that it is a cover for belly-dancing junkets and visits to 3-way Shiatsu-Swedish-Thai houses of spas, nightclubs and ill-repute ?' barked the unapolegetic, obstinate member for Flag Hill Bandits, Latok Don It Rains But Never Porr Nohmore Smiles Suspended.
'Absolutely!' barked back Rosemajibbed.
‘Not necessarily cheaper, but more economical. Thats mean....?’ buzzed the chorus.
‘Thats mean $tril non-sodo mee noodles for tall story erection, based on very preliminary back-of-the-envelope calculations. Of course, excluding Architectural Master Plan & drawings, which may not be necessary. We’ll see, but lots of directly-negotiated Contracts,’ beamed Rosemajibbed.
‘Lots of Directly-Negotiated Non-Tendered Out EMU (EconomicMsplanningUnit@extra-gov.con ) Contracts!!’ thrummed back the chorus as they thumped the Wooden Cabinet and nudged and winked at each other, so chuffed up were they.
‘So, assuming we are not negatively disposed, and so as not to put too fine a point on it, what are Sinking Moh and the 41 BBC members’ expectations as loyal members of the Kindom of Alibabaji?’ posed Alibabaji.
‘All expenses paid plus half a mil for each of the 41 plus 2 mil and a cut of Directly-Negotiated Non-Tendered Out EMU Contracts for SinKing Moh . Total damage – rounded up to $25 mil non-sodo mee noodles including advance for condoms, no....er, I mean, serviced condominium - vs gains of $1 tril non-sodo mee noodles in Contracts. The bonus is, of course, our BBC members being so well informed, will counter all of Sir Asim Obama's attacks on the New Deal Agriculture Bill debate. The Bill will be passed and Sir Abim cannot topple us on the 16th of September. QED.’
‘QED Master Einstein Machiavelli. A dirt-cheap solution! Who pays? Thighpays!’ thundered the chorus as they rose as one in standing ovation, 'Bravo! Bravo!’ the chorus cheered.
‘Oh, and I take it we have no objection to indoctrinating SinKing Moh as our 43rd WT?’ said Rosemajibbed, still smiling and basking in the warmth of the adoring chorus of WT’s.
A hushed silence descended on the august gathering of WT’s as they collapsed in stunned stupefaction in their chairs. The old-warhorse WT member for Kok Lanun Highway Robbers, Latok Don Mata Kambing stood up in brave defiance with cup of tongkat ali tea still in hand, calling for a Point of Order. ‘Hrrrmph, I think thats mean the 41st WT, don you?’
‘I means 43rd. I stand my ground!’ shot back Rosemajibbed.
‘41st, damnitwit! Don play puks with us, you hear?’ joined in WT Latok Don Dick Tajam Qutubhudheen Ali Pitchay Rawther, member for Batang Berjuntai Chapter of the Mamak Gang, upset at being interrupted from laying into his plate of Nasi Kandar special from Dawood in Pearl Orient Island.
'Hear, hear! This is a meaningful discussion. At least we are squeaking up for the 1st time' pipped WT Latok Don Tai Khor Kaviasithardkaurass, ex-member for Heavenly QBB Gheehin Triad Kingdom of Great Piss & Jade Gate Clouds and Rains District, as he slurped his kolai of Soora toddy.
And then, it became silly and went on ‘Oh no, 41st, oh yes, 43rd….. and by the time the matter was resolved, Cassius Sil aka Hairy Plotter the Silly and Harry Kali Mangkali had quietly exited. Hairy had pulled out his cellphoning vibrator and given instructions to his Lion City friends to incorporate $2 capital paid-up Firefox Explorer Media@agri.con Agency to be awarded the $1b preliminary publicity blitz contract for the 1001-floors tall story sykscraper everise erection project – WISMA AGRIJAYA YAKIN AKAN NAIK GRANTEE SEMULAJADI (WAYANGS).
‘Well, Harry Kali Mangkali, you think Rosemajibbed can pull it off?’
‘I’ve no doubt he will be pulling at it this way and that way. But I’ll be leaving for Lion City in the morning and will be there till the 25th or so. I’ve been invited to tea by Harry Pap. Can’t refuse that, can one?’
‘Why, you sly dog traitor. Make sure you remember who your good friends were, will you?’
‘Sure will Hairy. Don call us, we’ll call you. Hastalavista, baby! I won’t be back.’