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29/09/2008

WINE, HOW DIVINE !

or 'The Gripes of Wrath' (with due apologies to our friends down under).


by sirul azilah altantuya baginda (saab), donplaypuks® intrepid corresponent for administration and maintenance of francophile and enophile (*1) affairs in paris.

Hot on the heels of news of the successful signing of the $5 billion order for submarines between Malaysia and France, there emerged breaking news of further commercial joint-ventures between French and Malaysian parties.

The Duc de Scorpeneis, speaking fom his Chatuea D’if in the south of France, announced the incorporation of Wines Internationale Nouveau Organisma or WINO in off-shore Labuan, for a joint-venture with Glocal Malaysian entrepreneur, Latok Ali Baba Kian Tee, for the world-wide distribution of made-in-Malaysia world-class wines.

Saab was able to secure copies of WINO’s international catalogue at a secret exclusive wine-tasting cum french-cuisine (frog-legs, snails, force-fed enlarged goose liver and horse-steak) bash hosted by the Duc de Scorpeneis and the Duchess de Mercedes at Labuan’s premier 6-star hotel, the Palais du Monte Cristo.


We are proud to present below WINO’s 2008 magnificent range of wines from their “Boulanger Douxain de Malaise’ special collection or ‘The Baker’s Dozen from Malaysia’.
* 1 enophile – wine lover

$5 million bottle Petrus ‘vin au coq up’08

a delicate peppery, perky, fragile youthful coffee-boy sweet pink rose fruity wine thing. special edition also available for your pet uncle and /or aunty and will be delivered by royal motor-bike courier petra@2daymalaysiaSD(sameday)services.

do not touch, fondle or remove coq. to drink, break glass at other end at 8 specially indented spots. one sip and you will swear on a stack of holy books to its astonishlingly refreshing taste and be immediately transported to heaven.

this delectable, sweet honey-dripping nectar may be consumed on any or all of overseas trips or in secret tete-a-tete high-tea frisson between 3.00 – 4.30 p.m any day.
WARNING!! MUST be consumed with green salad topped with extra virgin olive oil dressing.



chateau grande casino royale malaysia @ today

a brave full-bodied wine of pure royal blue vintage. delivered by post, wrapped in brown envelope with certicate of authenticity verified by SD.

ps bottles are stored in special underground vaults located overseas. orders may NOT be scanned or emailed via laptops. Please register on-line for invitation to free wine-tasting.














shiteau medellin la pheet '70

an exceptionally soporific and liberating sweet, dreamy, smoky grass-green concoction cloned from afghanistan, pakistan and burma varieties.

also easily available from mules at airport waiting lounges, donkeys in maximum security-protected vat vaults in ujong tanah & nine counties stations and asses in glocal burger stalls.

pending FDA/DEA approval.












mateus matthieus rose lah tongue braun ‘03

for all loyal aids of ex-premiers, ministers and mp’s. a unique light-bodied flatulent, pretentious blend of portuguese and chinese grapes. vine cuttings were originally imported from kerala on the western seaboard of south india.

a bit over-dry & bitter to the palate. over-priced for its vintage. personally recommended by self-proclaimed expert retired wine-taster contactable at sourgrapes@dilemma.ex-gov.con







dom perignon le don never pays ‘69

specially subsidised king of sparkling, bubbling beautifully bottled champagnes. at least 30% of bottles are reserved for some more equal than others.

cultivated in the directly negotiated non-tendered-out 3,000 hectares vineyards of the New Enophile Plains (NEP). last few cases only available as this year’s production has been severely curtailed by the most serious attack of vine blight in 50 years.

new orders will be accepted only after September 16th, 2008.





casa mafioso verve cliqdontalkcoq au lord lingham’s ‘08

a very corretcly, corretcly, corretcly blended spicy, chili-hot whisky-whine produced in the dungeons of Chateau Micasa Sucasa designed to burn your tongue off. cleverly concocted for those who wish to appear drunken instantly. one sip and you’ll convincingly be able to pretend to incriminate yourself & spill the beans in a drunken handphone monologue with retired Chief Shysters!!

guaranteed to induce amnesia the next day.

ps special 100% discount for all members of the auckland-zoo and lake geneva chalet judiciary alumni. go burn em video & dvd’ & wine-kit instructions for extra $1 only without prejudice.
#1 including but not limited to caveat emptor. e & eo excepted.











pinot du chet guevara ‘03

a revolutionary full-bodied red non-alcoholic wine for incumbent and retired self-proclaimed and self-appointed benevolent dictators.

prepared from blood-red grapes fermented in secret trenches and then boiled to remove all traces of alcohol and debris.

5 cc milk of magamnesia laxative added to facilitate ease of motion and loss of memory the morning after the night before for octogenarian buyers.
















villa valachia eternal perwaja steal ‘08
a full-bodied fiery red with untraceable 76 million herbs forged from the juice of off-shore harvested swiss, japanese & hong kong red, purple & green grapes. leaves traces of hot furnace, carbon, rare diamonds and ashes on the tongue.

ps recipe for eternal-life herbs discontinued due to the recent demise of its inventor.













marquis de sade et buggerdeaux ‘98
an oh, so delightful conspiratorial dark-brown full-bodied and full-aroma sparkling wine variant from grapes originally grown in the Bordeaux district of France. distilled and cloned after sadistically straining the juices through the stained fabric and foam of an old confiscated mattress.

grape-juice concentrates are specially selected from vines re- planted in the foothills of Tivoli Villas
Bungsar, Rome and mixed with those found in the condominium area in the Shires District of Kuala Lumpur, i.e. Dutakennydamanshire valleys district.
certificate of origin & DNA (#1) test results issued by enophile centre at
maharthasvineyard.pondok@klER are enclosed with each case.
# 1 pending constitutional amendmend.





chardonnay shah du joy riah ‘69
a pink-white light, sweet delicate sparkling, fizzy, bubbling champagne wine to celebrate the arrest of partners in same-sex marriages, transvestite liaisons, cross-dressing parties and those involved in sex-conversion issues like the british classical dancer, barrelina joy margot fonteyn, and himalayan conqueror, sir edmund hillary clinton mcmurthy
labels personally autographed by eltons john, helen degenerate and sherpa tenzing allgay.
do not hesitate! jais whip an emial order to:
pinktriangle@glenmariejais.extragov.con.
empty bottle will come in handy for bodily functions if one is arrested & remanded for hours in enforificers' trucks.
all buyers must attend mandatory counselling course conducted by ayatollah osama zarqawi in Kandybar, Afghaniranqistan.



chateau mutton rottenschild ‘08

the favourite verld-class red claret adrenalin-stirring crystal kolai-wine of mule-headed, thick-skinned, voted-out sith jedi master planners of yengineering for the realm and their followers.

cultivated first in the peaty and salty dry, crusty plains of rubber estates surrounding Port Sweatenhang, the fermented juice from these dark grapes must be drunk fresh for a hair-raising experience. winery is on the verge of financial collapse with no shareholders or bidders. Email to 9milliontelekomshares@kalinga.gov.shakeheads.myika.con to get at all the bald facts









cotes du vin plonk '69

cheap, very light landmark table wine sold exclusively in rivers of money plaza for the working class. blue bottle only. buy 1, free 2.

ps while stocks last & limited to all days ending with the letter ‘y’.











4th floor villa cosa nostra rip van winkle ‘08

a slow-to-mature off-white bitter-sweet somnambulistic medium-bodied old wine blended from chinese, syrian & indonesian grapes.

bottle can only be opened for consumption after 20 years.

WARNING!!
not to be consumed on LRT’s, Nasi Kandar Restaurants and jumbo jets.

donplaypuks® with my wine & champagnes man!

ALL READERS, PLEASE WRITE IN WITH YOUR FAVOURITE 'MALAYSIAN' W(H)INE!


7 comments:

masterwordsmith said...

*STANDING OVATION! C'est tres bien mon ami!! Brilliant! I thought this was coming only on Friday ;) AH - must have been the election euphoria ;). Thank you very much for this marvellously executed piece...ah ...I can understand why you are in your profession. Such attention to details!!! C'est la vie!Think you should seriously consider printing your stuff. It is really in a class of its own.
* shudder shudder* my blog pales until it is bleached and sterilized at the thought of you O Great Master of Satire 'researching' my blog 'more thoroughly soon'. I am no where near your astounding abilities though I do covet it - ah they say confession is good for the soul!
Anyway, merci beaucoup for this simply divine post! *clap clap*

masterwordsmith said...

Danke schoen for the invitation to the premier screening/tasting of Wine, How Divine!
Am glad to be amongst the first to have a foretaste of this wonderful post!
Notice you timed it perfectly at 12midnight. Dare we hope for a sequel? Your third para has stimulated a sudden desire for foie gras...;)
Thanks and don't stop writing!!!

donplaypuks® said...

hi masterwordsmith

are you polylingual? french, german, english, malay - what else?

but foie gras? born a vegetarian, i can only sacrifice so much. i weep for the geese.

but, merci beaucoup. now what do I do 4 next friday?

masterwordsmith said...

Ah Senor Donplaypuks

That is evidence of the power of your pen to elicit an outburst of 'european' expressions in response to your very witty post.

Sante! May I recommend for your cellar Shitteau dans La Brain 2008? A special vintage release for politicians whose terms have expired and yet live on in full misery. Only to be consumed during by-election defeats for its taste is bitter-sweet. Over consumption leads to moral decay. Drink at your own peril. Suitable for soulless freaks with no qualms about robbing the plebians to fatten their calves for yet another feast.

No offence meant about the foie gras. I did not know you are vegetarian. My apologies.

And now, *clink a Moet and Chandon toast to you in anticipation of what's coming up next Friday.....
cheers

donplaypuks® said...

no. no offence taken.

i was born vegetarian, but have and do stray. but draw the line before frogs legs, pate foie gras, lala, deer, emu, tiger's p, bears paw, monkey's brain, drunken prawn, beef etc

sorry to be so boring!

donplaypuks® said...

dpp *1

Your wicked satires are getting better with time (like wine). Wow, the puns and jibes and ... the graphics!

Just watch your back! We don't want you disappearing like Bala and that Burmese Doctor.

Your guest count has certainly ticked up quite a bit!

CM

*1 above comments from a supporter slightly edited

zorro said...

Definitely Guest Blogger 002 for this Friday's offering. CLINK!