DPM MADD TALKS GLOCAL SCALE MSEJJUCASHION JIBBERISH!

by crackoji jibby, PhD (Dip. Ed), Donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for msejjucashion affairs

" It will be a win-win situation. We’ll upgrade your Universities and re-brand them as Sekolah Menegah Kolej Oxford/Cambridge, Sekolah Menengah Kolej Havud etc. in which 67% of places for academics, administrators and students shall be reserved wholly on merit, by special quota, for our people. The rest will be reserved for our Bumis. That’s fair, isn’t it?"

The Dons from all over the globe gathered at MARAH University College at Sucesspool Princeville City. Yes, they were angry (marah), and no, they were distinctly not the Dons as in ‘Don Corleone The Godfather’ who went about making stunning horse head offers you could not possibly refuse, and who was drawn to ‘termination without prejudice of the permanent kind’ million dollar offing hit contracts where the standard equipment were the assassin’s super-calibre scope rifle and .45 calibre cyanide tipped dum dum bullets.

No, these were the Dons of academia who were drawn to hundred billion dollar MsEjjucashion budgets being splashed about with gay abandon by Bolihland’s Deputy Prime Minister and Minister for MsEjjucashion, Professor MuhyAmatDopeyDin (MADD).

These Dons had been stunned into silence. They were also terribly upset. For nowhere else but in Bolihland could you find tertiary education professors, about 95% of whom wholly embodied and wilfully embraced the scintillating philosophy of ‘if you can’t, then teach, but whatever you do, never publish.’ Yet, Bolihland had stolen a march on the world by advancing over USA, UK, France, Japan, Singapore and Germany in MsEjjucashion.

Of course Australia was not on their radar screen. Who in their right state of mind would wish to memorise and teach, “The rine in Spine folls minely on the pline, bugger the barbie and ‘roo, mite!”

The Dons were angry because, frankly, none of them had thought up the original idea of a University College. These were no Dons of small stature by any means. They all had IQ’s of above 160. They had descended from their lofty eeries in Oxford, Cambridge, Harvard, Princeton, MIT, Yale, Columbia, Stanford, Caltech and the like. A few were the guru financial wizards from the holy temples of the new age – ‘Wharton Goldman Sucks’ and ‘Carnegie, Who Stole The Ripe Melon?’ and ‘Why Not Steal The Cheese Before Someone Else Does?’ schools of (pyramid scheme) business – from where, I’m reliably informed, (though one can never be sure) Bernie Madhoff and his sons graduated.

There was no rumour to the truth that the Dons from Oxford, Cambridge, Harvard, Princeton, MIT, Yale, Columbia, Stanford, Caltech, Wharton Goldman Sucks, Carnegie, Who Stole The Ripe Melon? and Why Not Steal The Cheese Before Someone Else Does? schools of (pyramid scheme) business were contemplating moving their campuses and MsEjjucashion Head Quarters to Sucesspool Princeville City.

The Dons arrived in Bolihland by the truckloads after their Air MASA Asia flights were re-timed ( a rare occurrence, I’m often told) while on transit in Dubai, to engage Prof MADD in a Q & A session on Bolihland’s oustanding achievent. They wanted too, to be enlightened on Prof MADD’s grand scheme to turn Bolihland into yet another “Regional Hub,” this time, for Mass MsEjjucashion.

The entire dialogue between the Dons and MADD was of course duly and dutifully classified “Secret” under OSIBISA – Official Secrets in Intelligence, Banking, Insurance and Security Act. However, Donplaypuks® intrepid correspondents managed to hack official files to  glocally wikipedialeak the MADD transcripts:

Dons: Prof MADD, how did you and Bolihland manage to overtake USA, UK, Singapore  and the others in MsEjjucashion?

MADD: Why you all so gorblok? Saya terutamanya Muslim. Lepas itu Melayu. Then Bumiputra. Lepas itu ahli BUMNO. Then penyokong ‘Academia Fantasia.’ Lepas itu, manusia. The, maybe, Bolihlander. Takkan you tak tahu don't no?’

Dons: Brilliant! You invented a new language?

MADD: Yes, isn’t it?

Dons: What is it called?

MADD: Jibberish.

Dons: Jibberish? How original. Who invented it?

MADD: It’s named after our Trillion Dollars Private But 85% Public Funded Tranformers Pemandu Goondu Prime Minister, Rosemajib and her husband who crafted it in 2008.

Dons: Jibberish? How many alphabets does it have? How many vowels and consonants?

MADD: Same as in the England except we add in $ and ‘pusing gasing’ or PR Spindoctor.

Dons: Oh? How do you, as you say, psaing gsaing, and PR spin? We don’t know anything about it.

MADD: Ayoh, so simple also you all don’t know. We learn and practise what they don’t teach at OxCam and Havud.

Dons: Sounds like Jibbersih has elements of Manglish. And what’s that we don’t teach and who do you learn from?

MADD: From APCOT International Spindoctors of Israel. It’s a plum contract for $100 million.

Dons: Can you give us an example?

MADD: Well let’s say they ask in Parlimen,‘How much is the APCOT contract?” Our Jibberish answer will be $33 million. When later the Opposition find out that it’s US$33 million but Bolihland B$100 million, they will say I lied to them. But, I will point to Hansard’s offisial records and say in Jibberish “Where got I say B$33 million? Proof it, chop!” and close the matter.

Dons: Ah, we see. That’s clever. Any more examples?

MADD: Oh, so many. Everyday got new one, lah. Say, we illegally pay B$540 million gaji buta (shake leg/sinecure) commission to our crony (so he can generously and voluntarily 'donate’ some 'small beer' money, say B$500 million, to BUMNO), for 2 B$4 billion (excluding B$50 million annual maintenance cost) submarines that cannot sink. The Opposition raises a big stinky black fart kentut. So, we can answer only in Jibberish: “It was not a commission. We cannot say more because of OSIBISA. But all procedures have been complied with. National Security. Racially sensitive. The King. DAP. Islam under unfair attack. You hate Malays. Also, the fact that the submarines cannot dive has not affected their operational capabilities. We can still use them to hunt down illegal Indons, Banglas and Myanmars up and down our coastline.”

Dons: Brilliant! Any more shining examples?

MADD: No notes, please and switch off your handphones. Say, the costings for the propo Toll Highway Bridgecon over the Selper River linking Banting in Selangor and Taipingcon in Perak come in at B$3.5 billion, already over the intial budget by B$500 million. But elections are forthcoming. BUMNO needs petty cash to buy, er no, bury the Opposition. So, we double the costings to B$7.0 billion. Opposition says,”Fraud! How can it cost B$23 million per kilometre? Will the bridge/highway be topped with gold or diamonds? And besides, there’s no Selper River.”

We counter expertly in Jibberish,“No, gold and diamonds are too expensive. We’ll use solid rare earth and rare earth radiactive tailings and waste imported by Lynas Corp of Mt. Weld, Australia. That way, we get glowing maintenance free highway for 14 billion years. No Selper River? Small problem. BUMNO will innovate and build it for the citizens.

Dons: Ah, sheer genius! But, explain slowly to us Proff MADD, that if we re-locate from USA, UK, Singapore, France, Germany, Japan and Singapore to Sucesspool Princeville City, how will our second class msejjucashion systems be integrated into your first class one?

MADD: It will be a win-win situation. We’ll upgrade your Universities and re-brand them as Sekolah Menegah Kolej Oxford/Cambridge, Sekolah Menengah Kolej Havud etc. in which 67% of places for academics, administrators and students shall be reserved wholly on merit, by special quota, for our people. The rest will be reserved for our Bumis. That’s fair, isn’t it?

Dons: Eminently fair! Bravo! But what about programmes and places for visiting professors?

MADD: Of course. It goes without saying. All our administrators, EC Chief, profs, PM, Ministers, Chief Ministers, Civil Servants, IGP, AG, CJ and Army Generals, and their wives, children, maids and pets shall travel first class all the way and back, funded by your governments. They will make two “visit come study” (lawatan sambil belajar) trips twice a year, and thrice in a leap year, to your second-rate education establishments in London, Oxford, Cambridge, Washington DC, Massachusetts, California, Tokyo, Munich, Singapore and so on. On the way, they will briefly stop over at Bangcock, Disneyland and the Belly Dancing University in Doobuy, Cairo and Beirut. They should fully expose themselves to these msejjucashional experiences in foreign lands.

Dons: Well, looks like we have struck a good bargain. We shall return to our foreign lands and lobby our respective Board of Trustees to relocate to Sucesspool Princeville City, post haste, certainly by 2220! Ciao! Oh, before we leave, we have one question. If our system is 2nd class compared to yours, how come for the past 30 years your PM's, Ministers, top civil servants and crony fraudtrepreneurs have been sending their children to study mainly in UK, USA and Australia? Where did they get the money from at a minimum of B$100,000 per year for basic degree courses alone?

MADD:1Mtransformersketuanan15matriculationspmA'sGagagoogoopoopoomoomoodoodoo!

Dons: Is that gibberish or Jibberish?
MADD: Same differen.

If mere dreams and intent could fly, PM Rosemajib’s and Minister for MsEjjucashion Professor MuhyAmatDopeyDin's (MADD) offices would have been tansformed into the busiest airports in the world. More “Regional Hubs” have been proposed and disposed off in the blink of an eye in Bolihland than anywhere else in the world. Letters of Intent for award of fabulous billion dollar contracts to cronies have been pouring out from the PMO, accompanied by full government guarantees and hundred million dollar advance cheques even before the contracts are signed, with no strings attached.

Open tender and transparency? Do talk Jibberish and make us laugh, isn't it?

Please lah. ABB – Anything But BUMNO!

Please lah Minister for MsEjjucashion, stop  http://www.talkingcock.com/.

Donplaypuks® with our MSEjjucashion, MADD DPM Minister!