2ND NATIONAL FLAG? SOLUTION IN HAND!

by bs sekar, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for rubber, latex and french letters affairs

Incensed by the refusal of many to fly 1M (Not Israel) flags (or kites) outside their homes and on motorcar aerials during the last National Day celebrations, de facto leader of the House of Uncommons where some are seemingly not only more equal than others but apparently also own all the land as far the eye can see, President Rosemajib who wears the pants and her very cross dressing husband who wears the skirts, threw the problem to Roti Jala (author of 'National Laboratory Bankruptcy') and his $100 million laboratory assistants and (E)Con Transformers, Messers. APCOT Spindoctors, Moshe, Jho and Levy A Lot for Nought, for resolution.

After several months of in depth investigations and probings, penetrating fact-finding tours to nearby cities (Paris, London, New York, Tokyo, Rome, Munich, Geneva) and prolonged consultations in Bangkok and Lebanon, RJ revealed to a stunned secret gathering of Bumno and Perkosong acolytes that they had the solution in hand.

They had come to the conclusion (several times) that it would be in the best interest of nation building and national unity to adopt the humble CONDOM as a second national flag! 

Bumno and Perkosong, being inveterate veterans at this old game, found it easy to swallow RJ's (E)mission statement and Powerpoint presentation! Apcot knew all about pressing the right buttons and stroking the pouches of select members of Bumno and Perkosong!

They reasoned that in an era where Noble Prize winning Economists and Finance Gurus were unable to predict yesterday's date today and the direction the sun would rise in tomorrow, Roti Jala and Messers. APCOT Spindoctors, Moshe, Jho and Levy A Lot for Nought had concluded that the ordinary people could more easily identify with the humble condom as an economic and business facilitator if only symbolically (but actually more than that) since it could:

1. Inhibit inflation
2. Deflect deflation
3. Stop sudden surges
4. Arrest accidents and soak up spillages
5. Plug population explosion
   
6. Dampen industrious over production
7. Smoothen rough patches and landing points at our ports of entry
8. Facilitate and oil the wheels of industry and new business entry points
9. Nip in the bud overexuberance in an over-expanding and overheated environment
10. Enhances the marketability and shelflife of local douche bags
11. Make wild oats and seed sowing more of an agricultural than a social problem
12. Reward the long-stayers and punish (gently) and contain the premature eager beavers
13. Prevent systems viral and fungal infections
14. Be washed and reused at no cost in an emergency
15. Enable penetrating movements and observations to be made from the safety and privacy of home
16. Restrict construction and erections to what we can grasp as opposed to turning around to the old Middle East and Dubai ways
17. Promote better understanding between the sheets and sexes
18. Protect a bunch of civil serpents and government pricks
19. Not suffer flip flops
20. Promote international understanding, mutually beneficial relations, satisfaction and peace regardless of skin colour and without necessitating skin to skin contact

Accordingly, Messers. APCOT Spindoctors, Moshe, Jho and Levy A Lot for Nought were ready to roll out a 1M (Not Israel) awareness campaign for a mere $250 million Initial Development Cost (subject to VO's, Alibabaism and $888 billion leakages), the direct nego contract of which would be awarded to a local $2 company which had no previous experience in advertising or manufacturing latex products or prophylactics i.e. Messers. Contra Herpeseptic Spin Pte Ltd . 

Messers Contra Herpeseptic Spin would be mounting a nationwide fervent PATRIOTISM campaign over the bed posts and matresses of all households as it were.

donplaypuks® is proud to be the first to reveal some of the proposed posters and slides prepared by Messers Contra Herpeseptic Spin for full page ads in the Buntutsan Parsley Sage Rosemary Thighimes Daily and Washington Post. Here goes!

(Click on pics for enlarged view).

Breaking News is that Messers. APCOT Spindoctors, Moshe, Jho and Levy A Lot for Nought have embarked on a new project  for a 2nd National Anthem with lyrics set to the theme song of 'SHAFT!' - WHO DA BLESSED PRIVATE DICK, MAN?

donplaypuks® and shaft around with our economy and people and make a gooey mess of it all, man!

KERISMUDIN BANS 35 UNLIKELY LOCAL BOOKS!

or The Apes of Wrath by John Steinbeck

by james joy's juice what the dickens, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for literally fiction affairs

Hot on the heels of police led raids on publishers and bookshops and confiscations of all known copies of 'The March To Putrajaya' by Kim Kwek (sounds very suspicious, this Chinese name with only two parts; must be a Zionist plot) and Zunar's cartoons, Home Minister Kerismudin I Apologise, Not, left no stone or page unturned in ferretting out more possibly seditious and dangerous books by local authors that might sow the seeds of riots and revolution as in Tunisia and Egypt.

Kerismudin claimed at a press conference at the national airport accompanied by 60 "empty" Xtra Large Samsonite suitcases and Buntutsan Daily and New State Parsely, Sage Rosemary and Thighimes Newspaper hacks that, of course, what had occurred in Tunisia and Egypt and had seemingly spread to Algeria, Bahrain and Yemen, could not possibly be replicated here because the people were in full possession of all the government works of fiction. Nevertheless, he proposed 'to nip things in the bud' as 'Squad Fahrenheit 451' flaming officers from his 'book 'em Dano' division went full swing into action to remove from bookshelves across the nation, 35 potentially "inflammatory" books penned by several local writers . Kersimudin assured the public that all flammatory books were safe.

The unlikely books, titles and authors' names are classified under OSIBISA (Official Secrets, Intelligence, Banking and Internal Security Act).

However, donplaypuks® through its moles in 'Squad Fahrenheit 451' managed to secure the highly classified unlikely list of books as follows:

1. $100 Million Consultants? My Ass! by Rosemajib
2. Civil Serpents by SS Sidek Cirkhusring
3. Corretc!Corretc!Corretc! The Whole Tooth Fairy by Lingam’s Saucy Chili
4. Dry Docks $4 Billion Floating Submarines by Aminah See Four
5. End Affirmative Action Today! by I.Ali
6. Fine Backstabbing Traditions by Kerismuddin
7. Free Haircuts (in the dark) For Sikhs by NS Barber
8. He Strangled Himself To Death by MA Cowes N. Carse
9. How To Build The Taj Mahal for $3.5 million by K.Shah Jahan Toyota
10. Interlok For Indians by G. Palani S.Velu
11. Jet Engines of Uruguay by A.Ganesh Patel
12. Kit, Don’t Lie! You Were There Last Summer by Maha Firaun
13. Maha Firaun, Don’t Be Economical With The Truth! I Was Not There Last Summer by Kit
14. Kugan’s Peaceful Death by Hole In The Head
15. Lee Kuan Yew, My Best Friend by Maha Firaun
16. Mgf Malott, Wecome To Malaysia! by Adolph H.Nazri
17. National Bankruptcy Laboratory by Roti Jalai
18. No Commissions, Love of Country by AR Rahman Bankindamoneybaginda
19. No Cyberspace Censorship by BS Rice Tim
20. No Highway Tolls For Thee (For The People, Yes) by NS Plus Saad
21. Nuclear The Future by Chernobyl Tenaga NB
22. Only Off The Rack Department Store Budget Clothes For Me by R.Flom
23. Only Merit Based Scholarships For All by JP Awam
24. Open Tender, Of Course (In Due Course)! by MoD Mad Zaid
25. People Power ? In Malaysia? Maybe. Egypt? Impossible! by Rosemajib
26. Quid Pro Quo or $5 million, Anyone? by Rosemajib
27. Safe GM Nuclear Mosquitos by A.Nophe Les Swat Ouch
28. Tanah China by I.Ali
29. Teaching The England 1.01 by Muhy the Yiddunce
30. The AG Is Clean by Showmedamoney Ramona
31. The Queen Is Supreme by R.Flom
32. There Was Once A Crooked Man Who wanted To Build A Crooked Bridge All With His Own Crooked Money And The Crooked Government Would Not Let Him. Sob! by Maha Firaun
33. Valentine’s Day For All Malaysian by Jais A.Thot
34. We All Love Arasia, Now Everyone Can Collect Retrenchment Pay by Mana Ada System 
35. Singapore, My First Love by Maha Firaun

 Read 'em and weep! More books may soon be added to the above list!

 donplaypuks® with my books, man!

STOP PRESS! 1NATION (NOT ISRAEL) CORNERS DAMN OSCARS!

by chichakman pontianak spielscameronramliburger, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for d movies and d arts affairs

(CLICK ON PICS FOR ENLARGED VIEW)

Yes, it's that time of the year again. DAMN (donplaypuks® Academy of Movie News) Oscars time again! And what a performance from1Nation's (Not Israel) movie producers, directors, actors and actresses. Of course, a $150 million Taxpayer whacked Boing contribution to Apcot PR Spindoctors and  Quacks Inc has resulted in an appropriate and truly justifiable inclusion of this fantasy achievement in the New Age Genius Book of Records for 5-year old Leonardo Da Vinci Code Breakers.

To recap on the DAMN Oscars, click click here

“The formal ceremony at which the 2011 DAMN Oscars awards will be presented shall be held at the world class open-air Gong Badak World Class Stadium in KT and televised globally. It is expected to be one of the most prominent award ceremonies in the world, attracting film stars, producers and glitterati from Hollywood, Bollywood, Kollywood and Honkytonkywood, overshadowing other international award ceremonies such as the Hollywood Oscar, Hammy (best ham actor), Grammy (best grandmother story), Tony (Tony Roma, best steaks), Cannes (best tin cans), Bata (best school shoes), Buntutsan Awards (best bad- ass racist journo) and the like.”


BREAKING NEWS! "KUALA TERENGGANU: A consulting engineer was charged at the Sessions Court in connection with the Sultan Mizan Zainal Abidin Stadium roof collapse in Gong Badak here, nearly two years ago." click here 

Here's a selection of movies from 1Nation (Not Israel), 3 Systerns (systems + cisterns) that will be vieing for this year's DAMN Oscars from an organization set up in 2009 to recognize excellence of professionals in the local film industry, including directors, actors, actresses and writers, with an annual award.

TRUE TEFLON-COATED GRIT 

 

A truly stirring re-make of a riotous 1969 movie about a one-arm bandit de facto President Rose Maddie who wears the pants (and her very cross dressing, skirt wearing and $100 million consultants besotted President husband) who engages ruthless Chief of Police, One-eyed and perennially drunk Rooster Cocklessburnt to track down the killers of Maddie's mother, Stevie Sharibu. 

Rose Maddie offers $1 billion reward money to the captors of the killers. This is announced as 'final and will be withdrawn over my dead body" through state owned ANAL (Apanama News Agency Limited) and Buntutsan Parsely, Sage, Rosemary and Thimes newspaper. However, an hour later Maddie declares her decision as "final but not certain" and "withdrawn (tarik balik)." 

Nevertheless, Rooster Cocklessburnt is joined by Police Ranger, Le Beef No Pork, in hot pursuits of clues and leads to the killers, Chinaman Eat Anything Oso Can and the Ned Black Pepper Chicken Steak Gang, who venture deep into No Beef, Pork Maybe, Mutton Yum Indian-tribes territory. The Indians are busy and furious, interloked with casteing off tribal disputes and slurs and taunts that "yo mama was a coolie and yo papa was a rolling black stone and a travelling salesman who made his home wherever he found a lay."

In the showdown, Stevie Sharibu's seven killers are all shot dead with a single bullet in true spaghetti western style, but not before they confess that they had acted under Maddie's orders!

On his return, Rooster Cocklessburnt demands a RCI (Royal Commission of Iniquity) into Stevie Sharibu's death. Despite overwhelming testimony and proof offered at the RCI, nothing sticks on the Teflon coated gritty President Rose Maddie who goes off to Saudi Arabia to look into international terrorist organizations operating at home.

 
THETHE KKING'S SSPPEECCHH IS CCANCCELLEDD



A truly stirring movie about a de facto Prime Minister, Rose Georgina the Sixth who wears the pants (and her very cross dressing, skirt wearing and $100 million consultants besotted Prime Minister husband) who stutters, stammers and stumbles her way from billion $ direct nego monopolistic government contracts to billion $ direct nego monopolistic government contracts. She infuriates the poor, starving and hungry people by flippantly dismissing them with:

"Let them eat half-baked Roti Jala Cake from the Paramatta School Laboratory for 5-year old Leonardo Da Vinci Code Breakers!"

Her Presidency is nearly C4'd until fate intervenes and she stumbles across the internationally renown therapissartist, the Swamiji Bhagwan Sri Bungunwashed Baksheesh Ji, founder of the Worldwide Howdeepisyourlove Free Love Society, School of Transcendental Meditation, 3 and 4-D Numbers Forecast and Predictions University. Everyone calls him BeeJi.

BeeJi recommends Rose Georgina take up cigar smoking or chewing on seven sterilised marbles to cure her stutter and stammer. It works, but she develops a peculiar Mongolian accent.

The dynamic trio next embark upon a nefarious plot to declare marshal law, cancel forthcoming general elections, suspend the Constitution, abolish Constitutional Monarchy and replace it with a Republic and turn the nation into a vassal of the People's Republic of China through Singapor, become the 51st state of USA and a colony of Israel and Zionists! The plan is announced as 'final and will be withdrawn over my dead body" through state owned ANAL (Apanama News Agency Limited) and Buntutsan Parsely, Sage, Rosemary and Thimes newspaper. However, a minute later Rose Georgina declares her decision as "final but not certain" and "withdrawn (tarik balik)." No dead body is delivered anywhere. 

There are riots in Tunisia and Egypt and World War 3 breaks out!


BAN THE SOCIAL NETWORK FOREVER 

A truly stirring movie about a nerdish President Rose Erika Alldarkjib who wears the pants (and her very cross dressing, skirt wearing and $100 million consultants besotted Pesident husband) and her confounding group of Ministers who strike out to censor and ban the Internet forever!

Supported by Home Minister Mark Kerissuckerburger and bank rolled by his buddy for Arty Farty Affairs, Computers and MsInformation, Eduardo Tim Rice, the Government institutes multiple lawsuits, counter suits and Armani suits against anonymous bloggers who frequently expose corruption in the Cabinet and Party. But their bark turns out to be worse than their byte as bloggers continue to defy them.

Bloggers also detect that government computers are infected with the Roti Jala Government Economist Virus - the country is bankrupt but all the statistics show it is ahead of China! They attack the government's kitchen-sink economic policies. Worse follows. Government computers are attacked by the Airlines Baggage Virus - the hard disc remains at home, but the data ends up in Singapore and Wikileaks!

Refusing to own up to mistakes (like the Ted Kennedy Virus - one which crashes the hard disc but denies it ever happened) President Rose Erika Alldarkjib, Mark Kerissuckerburger and Eduardo Tim Rice depart for the leading democratic nations of the world - China, Iran, Iraq, Somalia, Libya, N.Korea, Russia, Egypt, Saudi (and Dubai Shopping Mall) - for inspiration on how to combat the cyber traitors. A small team comprising family members, maids and 2,000 government IT and administration civil servants (who are like programming or sex - one fcuk-up and you have to support the by-product for life) accompanies them!

They return and President Rose Erika Alldarkjib proposes a new law banning the Internet forever. The plan is announced as 'final and will be withdrawn over my dead body" through state owned ANAL (Apanama News Agency Limited) and Buntutsan Parsely, Sage, Rosemary and Thimes newspaper. Spontaneous protests break out all over the nation as millions gather in open air in the capital and leading cities. A day later, President Erika Alldarkjib declares her decision as "final but not certain" and "withdrawn (tarik balik)."

President Rose Erica Alldarkjib (and her very cross dressing, skirt wearing and $100 million consultants besotted Pesident husband), Mark Kerissuckerburger and Eduardo Tim Rice flee to Dubai Shopping Mall screaming like an Arnold Schwareznegger Virus - Hasta La Vista, baby! We'll be back! 

Once in a long while, a rose just stinks to high heaven and becomes a huge unvoted for thorny problem to the nation!

donplaypuks® with the Internet and democracy, man!

WITH MALICE TOWARDS NONE & CLANDESTINE SNIPS FOR ALL?

OR bad hair day for some by hair today gone tomorrow, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for NS Let's begin with paraphrasing one of Abraham Lincoln's famous speeches in a skewed way: "With malice towards none and charity for all, with firmness of hand and scissors as god (small 'g' fully intended) provides us with the right, let us strive to snip off as we please and then bind up the wounded to do all which may achieve and cherish to hasten the departure of our equal but separate citizens to foreign shores!" Interestingly, hair features prominently in many ancient tales and legends and religious beliefs. There is a Biblical one of Samson who is secretly bestowed with superhuman strength by his God to deliver the Israelites from the Philistines. But Samson's secret is betrayed by his lover Delilah for several hundred pieces of silver. The Hindu God Shiva loosens his matted locks to trap Ganga in his strands, preventing her raging torrents from flooding Earth. Anyone who looked at the Greek Medusa's serpentine locks turned to stone. Rapunzel had 100 metre-long tresses. Rastafarians prefer dreadlocks. Until recent times, the wearing of long hair by men was the norm in major cultures stretching from the Americas to Europe to all of Asia. Thus, there is nothing strange or startling or inhuman about 'Kes' or uncut hair bound in a turban which is sacred and fundamental to the Sikhs and Sikhism, as sacred and fundamental as pilgrimage to Mecca and 'Salah' or daily prayer is to Muslims, belief in Karma and  Rebirth to Hindus, The Holy Trinity to Christians and The Eightfold Path to Buddhists. So, what transpired at the national service camp and the dismissal of a horrible and abhorrent incursion of an individual's inalienable human right as "no malice was intended" is as despicable, irresponsible, insensitive and callously arrogant as can only occur in a nation where day by day by the abject, pathetic and dangerously ignorant and bigoted worm their way into seats of power. What do you know about Guru Nanak, the founder of Sikhism who passed away on 22nd September 1539 in Kartapur, India (modern Pakistan)? "When it became clear that the death of Guru Nanak was near, a dispute arose among his followers. His Hindu followers wanted to cremate the remains while his Muslim followers wanted to bury the body following Islamic tradition. They brokered a compromise by suggesting that each group should place a garland of flowers beside his body, and those whose garland remained fresh after three days could dispose of his body according to their tradition. However, the next morning, upon raising the cloth under which the Guru Nanak’s body lay, only the flowers shared between his followers were found. The Hindus cremated their flowers whereas the Muslims buried theirs."  click here Guru Nanak COMMANDED THE RESPECT OF HINDUS AND MUSLIMS!! Every religion has its revered holy founder and prophets and "must adhere" tenets. Who are you to ride roughshod over other people's beliefs? After all, regardless of which God you pray to, every human baby is born naturally with hair on its head. I say it is God's gift to humans. You mock or show disrespect to other peoples' beliefs and religions at your own risk. You are the same maggot who will issue international death threats for perceived insults against your religion; we have no respect for you, not an iota! These little Hitlers in Government will only learn their lesson when snared by their short and curlies and their little bits snipped off as Lorena Bobbit inflicted on her wayward husband John Wayne Bobbit! 1 Malaysia? Walk the talk today, now! donplaypuks® with people's hair, man

AIRHEADLESS STEWARDESS - NO FOWL PLAY, I AM NOT DEAD! PARIAH RUMOUR MONGREL DOGS!

by william randolph's hearse, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for hacks and dead bodies affairs

For the first time since 1917, the USA Pulitzer Prize was awarded to a foreign journalist from Apanama News Agency Limited (ANAL) of Malaysia for introducing a new brand of blazing and illuminating realism and daring writing hithero unknown in the annals of global journalism, human history and endeavour.


Such was the resonating international reverberation from the achievment of ANAL's hithero unknown scribe Bawang Buntutsan Tak Selamat that De Facto President Rosemajib who wears the pants and her husband, a house thrained and accomplished economical liar, hastened to reward Bawang, with tears of gratitude spouting from her eyes, $500,000 cash and 10 acres of State land and lifetime membership to their personal Twit and blog sites, free of charge.


De Facto President Rosemajib who wears the pants and her husband, the house thrained and accomplished economical liar,had proudly Twited:


"This piece of searing and awe-inspiring journalism ranks alongside that of our Tigers whose overwhelming victory in  the FIFA World Cup Football 2010 Trophy Finals (well really, it was the underwhelming jaguh kampong Suzy Cup Football Competition for only a few South EAst Asian countries for the 1st time in donkey's ears, but a little exaggeration never hurt anyone) and who, besides also being rewarded with $500,000 cash and 10 acres of State land each, were also bestowed with, whoa generous or what, TWO lifetime FREE memberships to OUR personal Twit and blog sites!


This is what 1 Israe..er no, oops, I meant Malaysia, and Transformers...er no, oops I meant Transformation is all about. Now watch brain drain reverse. What will you get? Of course you will get esrever niard niarb! All for a PR spin outlay of only $100 million. See it's that easy. I give you $500,000 each, you vote for me. We have a deal or not? If you don't like it, you can emigrate to Tunisia."


The trail blazing Bawang was the first to report BREAKING NEWS that an Airheadless stewardess of Malaysian Chinese origins, Ms. Wong Noh Moh, had been found with her head separated from her body in the car park of a hotel in Holland. Double Dutch Netherlands police had apparently ruled out fowl play although there was overwhelming evidence Ms Noh Moh had earlier been battered to death and her body flung out the window of her fifth floor hotel room.


Speaking on conditions of anonymity from somewhere in Amsterdam, Ms Noh Moh had called up via her cellphone the heroic Bawang of ANAL to confess:


"Although my body has been sent to Malaysia for last rites and incineration, my head is still functioning here. It's in perfect working order. I am still alive and I can confirm thare's been no fowl play at all. It was all a misunderstanding. Please let our De Facto President Rosemajib who wears the pants and her husband, a house thrained and accomplished economical liar, know the thruth. I will reveal everything after the coroner's inquest and after the esteemed lawyer of 25 years standing for Cows and Cars Association of Malaysia demonstrates conclusively to the satisfaction of the whole world that I first ransacked my room, battered myself all over the body with a baseball bat, then strangled myself, jumped out my 5th floor hotel room window, hacked my head off and then disappeared.


Oh, before I switch off, can you also pass the message to our De Facto President Rosemajib who wears the pants and her husband, a house thrained and accomplished economical liar, that I too would like $500,000 cash, 10 acres of State land with, whoa generous or what, TWO lifetime FREE memberships to their personal Twit and blog sites? Kam Siah. I will be calling them personally from Disney Afterworld."


Elsewhere in 'Semua Bolih Selesai for $500,000 cash, 10 acres of State land with, whoa generous or what, TWO lifetime FREE memberships to the personal Twit and blog sites of De Facto President Rosemajib who wears the pants and her husband, a house thrained and accomplished economical liar, Land' Sir Wigs K9, de facto head honcho of the Parti RSPCA, threatened to pull his party out of the coalition government. In delivering his ultimatum to De Facto President Rosemajib who wears the pants and her husband, a house thrained and accomplished economical liar, K9 protested vehemently:


"How dare they refer to Pariah Mongrel Dogs as Pariah Mongrel Dogs? Can you call a donkey, a donkey, or a monkey, a monkey? Or a house thrained and accomplished economical liar, a house thrained and accomplished liar? Have they no respect for anything and anyone these days? Anything can be taught in the name of history and literature even if it's the thruth?


No, history is not about learning the thruth! See, the Japanese and Germans, supported by Maha Firaun, are now revealing the absolute thruth that World War 2 was not their fault at all; they were forced into defending themselves against a conspiracy hatched by Zionists, Americans, Britons and Tunisians.


I am going to see the Chief Justice to get an interlokutory injunction. Hopefully it will be granted by 2020 without having to plea bargain."


Upon hearing Wigs K9's publicly announced barking lamentations aired blaringly over state-of-the art Technic speakers during early morning prayer time near Kennel House, De Facto President Rosemajib who wears the pants and her husband, a house thrained and accomplished economical liar gave him a friendly warning:


"If you don't like it, Chennai awaits you with open arms! Or we can transfer you to the Johor Education Department. Would you like that? It can all be arranged for cash $500,000, 10 acres of State land with, whoa generous or what, TWO lifetime FREE memberships to the personal Twit and blog sites of De Facto President Rosemajib who wears the pants and her husband, a house thrained and accomplished economical liar. You want more.....perhaps a born again trophy virgin wife from West Asia or....a free trip to the UN General Assembly all expenses paid..."

donplaypuks® with our patience, man!

AH LONG FROM BUKIT BERUNTONG ENTERPRISE SDN. BHD.

by don ah fatt cosa nostril, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for IMF and Word Bank affairs

(for example of ah long sevices check out "housewife: ah long played with my lingerie." click here )

(Click on pics for enlarged view).

ah long from bukit beruntong

ah long in action

AH LONG FROM BUKIT BERUNTONG ENTERPRISE *1

$$$!! You wan $10,000 Personal Loan$$$? More? Discover the road to financial freedom.
Easy! Call our Consultans NOW!! - 020 - 08-08-08. Any time oso can one. $$$!!
Very the attraction interest rates (negotiable).
$$$$ 1 Hour Approver
NO NEED - Glantee / Collaterror
NO NEED - Form J
NO NEED - Bank Stakemen
NO NEED - Deposik
NO NEED - Cledit Lisk Histoly
$$$From 3% per month. Terms & Conditions apply$$$
$$$
LICEN Finan Consultan
LICEN Moneylender*2
LICEN Cheque Echange
LICEN Finan Combany
LICEN Prawnbroker
LICEN horse head REPO and Debt Collector*2
(Unlicen fingerbrokers, bone re-setters, ear lobe adjustors, and oso funeral services by amerigo bonasera and enzo the baker)

*1 member of international institute of directors, managers, wills, trusts, executors and executioners

*2 affiliated to corleone g.sachs citistanleylynch aig international finance inc AND international extra secondary bank negara mamak havala moneylenders inc (highly recommended by aides to Ms.management.epu@extracon.extra.gov ministers, chief ministers and rosemajib (de facto pm) and her husband

Fill in form (must). Vely simper one, mah:

Loan Amount You Wan (RM)...................
Full Name (like IC)
Age
Sex
House address ( foto copy hand phone bill / electricity bill. got fence/alsatian dog/guard security?)
Job (gip last pay slip)
Malaysian IC / International Passport (foto copy)
Must gip 1 passport sai colour foto
Must gip 1 rai and 1 left thumb print

1. You live with (gip name/IC):
(a) Fadder/Mudder/bludder/sister
(b) Wife and chewdrens (gip wife office address, chewdren school, IC)
(c) Girlfren
(d) Man / Lady fren
(e) Boy fren
(f) Pet dog/cat/hamster/fish/pig

2. You have (gip detail):
(a) Bank Simpanan passbook
(b) ATM card
(c) Credit card
(d) Genting card

3. You have (gip detail):
(a) email
(b) Hand fone
(c) House fone
(d) Face Book

4. Reason Loan:
(a) Expan bizness
(b) Get married
(c) Deposik buy new house
(d) Deposik buy new car
(e) Setter mother/wife/chewdren medicur bill*1
(f) Setter plevious ah long loan (our balance transfer program)
(g) World Cup Football
(h) Buy 4D
(i) EPL
(j) Genting holiday
(k) Marina Bay Casinoresortopolis Singiapor holiday
(l) Sign up kung fu class*2
(m) KLSE casino investmen
(n) Setter credit card
(o) All above

*1 Have serious heart pobbum or serious medicur congdishen? DON apply!
*2 Signing up for kung fu class? DON apply!

5. What your all time favourite cinema filem:
(a) Godfather 1
(b) Predator 1
(c) Terminator 1
(d) All above

6. What your favourite scene from Godfather 1:
(a) Cut off horse head
(b) Shoot off Mo Green eyeballs
(c) Shoot Sonny Corleone dead with 200 bullets
(d) Poke Luca Brasi's ("sleep with the fish") back of hand with knife and strangle him
(e) Blow up Michael Corleone's car and wife
(f) Shoot off spaghetti and fettuccine
(g) All of above

7. Where can normali fine you after midnight:
(a) At home watching TV with fadder, mudder/wife/girlfren/boyfren/fren
(b) Bukit Bintang kalaoke
(c) Zouk / Beach disco
(d) Lolong Haji Taib
(e) Feng Thou techno music"ice" joint

8. Which our calling card you plefelence:

(a) Red paint

(b) Cow/dog/cat shit

(c) Pig's blood (muslim never mine, can send cow's head one)

9. You wan join our Frequent Borrower program?
(a) $1 interest, 1 poin.
(b) 10% off next loan interest
(c) 50% off medicur bills for prosthetics, broken bones and injuries at affiliated medicur clinics.
(d) Can redeem poins against current loan and new loan
(e) Join 'member get member' program for double poins.
(f) Can transfer poins to spouse and family borrowers.
(g) Can redeem poins at Las Vegas casino (our own slot machine, blacj jack and roulette casino in Jinjang, Cheras and Kepong) and KLSE casino.

10. How do you hear abourus:
(a) Ad on telephone pole
(b) Ad on junction traffic light
(c) Fren tell
(d) Ad on fren/relative forehead
(f) Smell of pig's blood from neighbour porch
(g) Smell of car burning in neighbour porch

I,...........(full name as per IC), IC No........(as per IC) of .........(house address) hereby certify that I am in good medical health, bad finan health and have read and understood all terms and conditions of my Ah Long From Bukit Beruntong Enterprise Loan Agreement, in particular:

"..highly beneficial and generous charity loan shall carry interest at xxx% per annum calculated on daily rest basis....interest rate for 1 month or shorter duration loan shall be at higher rates...late payment of loan shall attract additional hourly interest at xx% per day....all loan repayment shall be in cash....no prepayment or early settlement of loan dim sum....I am not a fren or relative of Michael Chong...".


.....................................................................................
(Borrower sign here)

......................................................................................

(Borrower thumbprints here)

................................................................................................
MR.AH LONG WONG MAH NEE aka SUM TING WONG
Managing Director

AH LONG FROM BUKIT BERUNTONG ENTERPRISE SDN. BHD.

NB
WARNING - False declaration your health can result in loss of health for relative/fren!
WARNING - Late payment interest/loan can result in loss of body part!
WARNING - Don try act funny run away without setter full loan, can happen loss of oxygen to brain one!
$$$

donplaypuks® with my loan repaymen, mah!

"I ACCUSE THE GOOD DR.M (J' ACCUSE REVISITED)"

by donplaypuks® at http://donplaypuks.blogspot.com

Today marks the 114th anniversary of the greatest newspaper article of all time - 'J'accuse' - written and published on 13th January 1898 by Emile Zola. As my homage to Zola and J'accuse, I reprise below my earlier blog post of 9 July 2010.

Alongside and before 'J'accuse' stands the American Declaration of Independence of 4th July 1776 with its electrifying 'We hold these truths to be self-evident.' This proclamation must rank as a sacred formulation of the fundamental rights of every human being and represents the pinnacle of human intellect in freeing us from a kind of mental slavery that certain men can command and rule us at their whims and fancies as if by divine right.

This reprisal is timely as it comes in the wake of Anwar Ibrahim's acquittal from sodomy charges, heralding a new brighter dawn for the nation.

Meanwhile 'the Good Dr.M' continues to sow the seeds of dissent and disunity while continuing to support the regime of a lying Prime Minister who propels us closer to a totalitarian state as the last strategy for his Party to cling on to power. 

Note too that Dr.Mahathir presides as paid "adviser" to the fast sinking Proton Holdings which for the umpteenth time has entered into discussions for either take over by or collaboration deals with successful foreign automotive giants while at the same time championing dodgy, cosy deals with local "auto czars" and "top Proton management." 

Of course, he is also paid "adviser" to Petronas which has embarked on farming out "marginal oilfield exploration rights" worth $billions to private companies. And who should be the primary beneficiary of these "direct negotiation" ventures? - surprise! surprise! it's none other than a consortium in which Dr.M's son has a major stake. Can anyone tell us what exactly is a "marginal oil field" that Pertonas is forsaking exploration of while Mirzan Mahathir and his partners, which includes foreign parties, are willing to sink in their own capital of US$400 million?

Everywhere we look, our treasured GLC's, like MAS, are falling over like tenpins. After announcing humongous operating losses, they are being patched up together by the same management teams which proudly announced after the previous restructuring (costing the Taxpayer tens of $billions) that it was the best ever and they had seen the "light at the end of the tunnel" and "turned the corner" after "leaving no stone unturned" in their search for viable solutions.

Previously, Dr.M, as long-standing "adviser", claimed he hadn't a clue about the fiasco in Proton writing off $560 million of its disastrous investment in motor-cycle manufacturer MV Augusta and selling it off for Euro 1. Consequently, Mahathir's handpicked MD for Proton, Tengku Mahaleel, was sacked. Mahathir again pleased "Que?" When Najib engineered the retirement of Petronas CEO Tan Sri Hassan Merican in order to ease in his dubious crony Omar Mustapha Ong (of Ethos Consulting fame) on to the Board of Directors, again it would appear, if it can be believed, Dr.Mahathir was not consulted??!!

One can only suppose that Dr.Mahathir, now wiser when even longer in the tooth, is taking an ever closer interest in the manoeuvrings going on in Proton and Petronas, which in turn is bound to be the harbinger of more Taxpayer $billion bailouts and economic rape of our "safe deposit" petroleum resources.

So,let's learn to recognise Mahathirism whenever and wherever we encounter it, and extinguish it from the face of the earth. 

9th July 2010


HEROES AND VILLAINS

The 112th anniversary of the publication of the most famous denouncement in the history of the world of a racist conspiracy quietly passed us by on 13th January. The French writer Emile Zola took on the might of the entire Government of France when he sounded that clarion call for justice in the L' Aurore newspaper in Paris on 13th January 1898.

'J’accuse’ or ‘I Accuse’ represents the triumph of human intellect, endeavour, strength and resolve over hopeless odds when faced with institutionalised government misbehaviour, thuggery and gangsterism.

I had recourse to ‘J’Accuse’ in an earlier blog in 2008 click here 

There are other epochal markers for human intellectual development like the 1776 ‘American Declaration of Independence’ with its doctrine of self- evident truths, that all men are created equal by their Creator with inalienable human rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness, and......especially that:

“Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the GOVERNED”.

Were you not inspired by Lincoln’s ‘Gettysburg Address’?:

“Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

.... that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain - that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom— and that a government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”

Or by Churchill’s war speeches as he stood alone against the onslaught of Hitler, The Third Reich, Gestapo, ‘blue eyed and blonde’ Aryan superiority racist Nazism hypothesis, Holocaust, Mussolini and Hirohito, fascism and an Axis of Evil:

“I would say to the House, as I said to those who have joined this Government: I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, sweat and tears......

....our policy is to wage war, by sea, land and air, with all our might and with all the strength that God can give us.....against a monstrous tyranny never surpassed in the dark, lamentable catalogue of human crime..... You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word: It is victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory, however long and hard the road may be.....

We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and even...armed and guarded....we would carry on the struggle, until, in God's good time, the New World, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old.”

Stirring words and actions such as these represent the uncanny arrival of the right men and women at the right time to lead, guide and inspire the world to safety. They feature prominently among the pinnacles of the advancement of human mind and ethics.

THE AWAKENING – 1 NATION, 3 SYSTEMS

When I first watched the black and white movie versions of 'The Life of Emile Zola' and 'The Dreyfus Affair' on Malaysian TV, I must have been 17 or so. The anti-Semitic aspect of the Dreyfus saga did not register much with me then though that was the central reason for the victimisation of Dreyfus, seen as a pushover by dark and dangerous elements in the admiralty of the French Navy. Most of my classmates and schoolmates, including me, were politically ignorant and naive even at a time when the Vietnam War was raging so close to home and the 1969 race riots, pretty much restricted to Malays and Chinese in Selangor, Ipoh and Penang following the general elections, changed our world! Back then, Kuala Lumpur was part of Selangor; it became the first Federal Territory on 1st February 1974.

But if today, anyone here were to say he is ignorant of the Israeli-Palestine conflict or the USA-Iran/Afghan War when Malaysians have justifiably sponsored and boarded flotillas heading for Gaza, and unjustifiably spawned local bomb makers and regional terrorists, that would be the height of ignorance or hypocrisy!

So, as in 1957 and 1969, Malaysia is once again at a crossroads. Now, we are faced with a right wing organisation, an NGO which claims to represent an “oppressed MAJORITY”! Now, isn’t that a little odd, if not an awful lot, given they are celebrating the 40th anniversary of the New Economic Policy (NEP)? More than that, the last 40 years has seen the almost complete domination at every level of Government, the Civil Service, Army, Navy and Air Force, Police, Judiciary, the administrative and teaching corps at Government owned schools, colleges and universities and Government Linked Companies (GLC's) such as Petronas, Sime Darby, MAS, Maybank and sports organisations, scouts movement and many others, by one group of Malaysians over any other.

Yet, they would have us believe, this has created an unprecedented level of insecurity among the majority that seemingly defies analysis. The NEP was formulated in 1970 to address the charge that indigenous Bumiputra majority in Malaysia only owned some 2% of the economy and to rectify the imbalance therein through affirmative action policies. It was meant to be terminated 20 years later, but never was by ex-Prime Minister Dr.Mahathir Mohamad (1981-2003) who summarily claimed its objectives had not been fully realised yet, though he never disclosed any independent statistics to support his fiat.

Some fifteen years later, a leading and highly respected PhD holding analyst and researcher with government resigned his post when his statement that Bumiputras had achieved 45% control of the economy was hotly disputed by then Deputy Prime Minister, Tun Najib Razak (now Prime Minister). It appears that equity valuations are still stated at original cost and not market values!

After 40 years of NEP, our government claims that the originally loosely stated Bumiputra target of 30% share of economy languishes at just under 20% and that of the 40% of the population classified as ‘poor’ by international yardsticks, Bumiputras constitute the majority!!

Whose fault is all that? Who is responsible for the gross abuse of the NEP to the extent that it only benefited a relatively few cronies, politicians, insiders, the elite and well-connected businessmen and corporate raiders to the tune of billions of dollars, while the masses ate cake? Who's exclusively been holding the reins of power since 1957? Who takes ownership for the endemic corruption and billion dollar financial scandals, the economic looting and plunder that continue to rock and quake the country?

This has led to vociferous demands amid much public hand wringing, breast beating and self-flagellation, prominently backed by Dr.Mahathir that Bumiputras who perhaps constitute some 60% of the populace, should by some law of inverted logic control and share in 67% of the national cake! The NGO leader and his acolytes aver they have a right to speak up and demand actions based on their view of right and wrong, on any and all issues involving or affecting Bumiputra rights; that they have “wide and enormous” support from the “indigenous heartland’ (wherever that may be).

Many suspect Dr.Mahathir is the real brain-child and power behind this NGO whose public leader gained a parliamentary seat standing as a candidate under the banner of Malaysia’s opposition religious party, PAS, then defected and now operates as an independent MP. Apparently his friendly overtures to the ruling party were roundly and pointedly, ignored!

Accusations have also been hurled against the ruling party that it has outsourced its extremist right wing elements and leanings to Dr.Mahathir and this new kid on the block NGO, thus killing two birds with one stone - appearing to be a moderate multi-racial consensus party AND portraying itself as the only party capable of dealing with overt chauvinism and extremism.

The stance and line of attack taken by Dr.Mahathir and this NGO is very, very clear:

1. The Ruling Party is no longer capable of protecting Bumiputra rights.

2. NEP should continue indefinitely until they and only they say, “enough”.

3. Their demands are backed by ‘Special Position’ clauses enshrined in the Federal Constitution.

4. The award of citizenship to immigrant populations in 1957 was a deliberate act of sabotage by the departing colonial British administration. That this somehow created what is in reality a 2nd class citizenship and a “Social Contract” whereby these immigrant citizens, their children and the children of their children ad infinitum will not question their government, ever, even if the Flames of Valhalla were to engulf them.

5. "Others" should not question anything pertaining to the NEP, its cost or who bears it in what proportion even if there is blatant abuse of it. (This implies the NEP exists only to rectify the economic imbalance among one group of Malaysians and not all, through affirmative action policies which are not defined).

6. Demands by other Malaysian citizens as to their Constitutional rights is not quite cricket, as by virtue of the (iffy) “Social Contract” they are 2nd class citizens!

7. That Opposition political parties such as multi-racial Democratic Action Party (DAP) (unlike the major component parties of the ruling Barisan National (BN) where memberships are by race) are anti-Bumiputra, anti-Islam, anti-Federal Constitution and anti-Monarchy (anti-Sultans). That DAP’s malevolent, treacherous and treasonous "secret" master plan/agenda is for the Chinese to re-colonise Malaysia with help from Lee Kuan Yew and Singapore to eventually turn it into a vassal and protectorate slave state of China. The woodwork is crawling with foreign spies out to wreck our nation!

8. If not, multi-racial opposition Parti Keadilan Rakyat (PKR) or People's Justice Party, is anti-Monarchy, pro-Israel and Pro-Zionists. It will turn Malaysia into a Republic and the 51st state of the USA, which, being ruled by proxy by Israel (as revealed so swimmingly by none other than Dr.Mahathir), shall surely result in Malaysia eventually being controlled by the Jews and their Diaspora!

J'ACCUSE III

Now we can clearly see in all its glorious nakedness the intentions of Dr.Mahathir, the new NGO, the ruling party and its MSM in the incessant demonising of DAP, PKR and its leaders. Attack is the best form of defence and when in doubt, play the man, not the ball (my tribute to World Cup Football)! Nazi Joseph's Goebbels' "A big lie when repeated often enough eventually will be accepted as the truth” has become fashionable political strategy. Ooh, you are about to be re-colonised and made 2nd class citizens in your own land by the minority and their foreign imperialistic allies! Boo, beware, or else your children will only be fit to be gardeners, chauffeurs, taxi and bus drivers, office and messenger boys, coolies and keranis (clerks)!

That it should fall to a non-entity, the little guy, the nobody, the small time blogger to sound the nation and the world, raise the cudgel and hopefully strike a blow for reason, freedom, truth and justice to prevail is a little worrying. All these people whom I revere and whose names I have sprinkled about as though I can claim a right to be associated with them - Washington, Lincoln, Churchill and Zola, oh Emile Zola, I ask for their forgiveness.

I am once again drawn to the 1776 ‘American Declaration of Independence’:

“..That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organising its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness......

But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security.”

And so let me begin:

J'Accuse Dr. Mahathir Mohamad of indulging and engaging in demagoguery, of playing to the gallery and playing with fire to drive a wedge and divide Malaysians, pitting race against race, by promoting envy and jealousy.

J'Accuse Dr. Mahathir Mohamad of scaremongering tactics, of and posturing like Enoch Powell who once scurrilously tried to frighten Britain citizens about being swamped by coloured immigrants and of “rivers of blood”! All this to mislead our people into thinking the ruling party is ordained (by divine right) to govern in perpetuity and there are no alternatives regardless of its excesses!

Let us be very clear. The majority of Bumiputras voting for the Opposition does not constitute loss of political power or control for the Bumiputras. It may be fatal for the incumbent ruling party, but that is not equivalent to a fate worse than death for the Bumiputras. No sirree, not by a long, long way! You see, you need the "consent of the GOVERNED". If you don't have it, you should know where the door is! The Governed today are not the uninformed naive lot that might once have been quietly bled to death by increasingly subtle ponzi and cunning Bernie Madhoff and Goldman Sachs mafia-style rabid conscienceless capitalist schemes!

J'Accuse Dr.Mahathir Mohamad of hypocrisy in ranting about a future government that MIGHT open the floodgates of immigration and reduce the Bumiputras to minorities in their own native land. There is also something quite amiss, something not quite right when Dr.Mahathir is himself actually the son of either 1st or 2nd generation immigrants from Kerala in India. Dr.Mahathir was the presiding prime minister when identity cards were issued by civil servants to illegal immigrants in Sabah attempting to re-engineer the population mix there. It was he who opened the doors to foreign labour and maids and then offered amnesty to a million illegal immigrant workers. Today, it is conservatively estimated that there are about a million illegal immigrants each in peninsular Malaysia, and Sarawak and Sabah.

J'Accuse Dr. Mahathir Mohamad of doing this deliberately and not caring a jot as to the consequences of such actions. In a tinder-dry atmosphere of his creation, when embraced by immature minds and opportunist politicians, such irresponsible utterances, writings and actions can prove to be the flash point for conflagration as in 1969! The highly intelligent Dr.Mahathir is not aware of it? Only too well, I suspect!

J'Accuse our successive governments of allowing the separate arms of a democratic state to deteriorate and be compromised as to their honesty and integrity to the greatest detriment of its people. Corruption and economic looting have been permitted to flourish and their perpetrators, to enjoy the fruits of their ill-begotten gains and escape scot-free!

J'Accuse our government of selective prosecution and double standards. Thus, an opposition MP is prosecuted under sedition laws for merely making a factually correct statement that a Sultan can be sued by law. Reporters and opposition politicians are bafflingly arrested and sequestered under the Internal Security Act (ISA) "for their own safety" based on unfounded rumours about an insult to Islam traceable to a blog posting by a ruling party MP and ex- State Chief Minister. Pro-government newspapers blow the conch for unreserved retaliation without verifying an iota of fact! A cartoonist, because his drawings are seen as anti-Government, has his books confiscated and banned under the repressive 1984 Printing Presses and Publication Act (PPPA) promulgated by Dr.Mahathir.

On the other hand, a government MP is let off with a slap on the wrist for referring to some citizens as immigrants, most of whom are 2nd and 3rd generation citizens or older! As too occurred with the prime minister defending his political aide who was forced to apologise and resign amidst public furore and outrage over a racist speech rant that the mothers of Chinese immigrants came to Malaysia as prostitutes to sell their bodies, and Indians as beggars! Really, PM Najib, do you honestly believe the words that came out of your own mouth that your ex-aide had not referred to “local Chinese and Indians”? He was referring to foreign Chinese and Indians who never set foot on our shores? Really? Then, my grandfather was a Caucasian named Ghandhi Mao!

And insulting foreign Chinese and Indians is acceptable behaviour? It is not blatant racism deserving outright condemnation and possibly, prison sentence for the "orator"?

J'Accuse!

HOPE

You cling to power, fame, the dismal dregs, trappings and illusion of money, property, wealth and a place in the history books.

I am not judging expecting perfection from you. The Lord alone knows my own weaknesses and pathetic failures.

I demand fair play. I demand justice prevails. That’s all.

And I say all this with great fear. I am no hero. I “know” no one. If they come after me in the wee hours of the morning because that’s what they have learnt from Stalin and Hitler and Idi Amin, Bokassa, Saddam and the Taliban about how to treat their fellow citizens, I shall go quietly and gently in their Black Maria and say nothing. I shall not give the enforcers any statements or the time of the day. I shall not give in to pain!

I have said what I meant to.

My inalienable right to say it is indisputable.

I have the weight of history in my favour and (I hope) God on my side!

donplaypuks®

we are all of 1 race, the Human Race,

we shall all unite around that indisputable truth!

20,000 LEAGUES FOR THE DAMN OSCARS!

by chichakman pontianak spielsramliburger, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for d movies and d arts affairs

(CLICK ON PICS FOR ENLARGED VIEW)

The year is only six months gone. Yet the amount of material that has surfaced for books and movies has reached a phenomenal all-time world record high in 1Nation, 3 Systerns (systems + cisterns) Bolihland.

Here’s a slection of 5 stories that could easily be vieing for the little known DAMN (donplaypuks® Academy of Movie News) organization which was set up in 2009 to recognize excellence of professionals in the local film industry, including directors, actors, actresses and writers with an annual award of DAMN Oscars.

To recap on the DAMN Oscars, click click here

“The formal ceremony at which the 2011 DAMN Oscars awards will be presented shall be held at the open-air Gong Badak World Class Stadium in KT and televised globally. It is expected to be one of the most prominent award ceremonies in the world, attracting film stars, producers and glitterati from Hollywood, Bollywood, Kollywood and Honkytonkywood, overshadowing other international award ceremonies such as the Hollywood Oscars, Hammy (best ham actor), Emmy, Grammy (best grandmother story), Bafta, Tony (Tony Roma, best Steaks), Cannes (best tin cans), Bata (best school shoes), Buntutsan Awards (best bad- ass racist journo) and the like.”

1. 20,000 LEAGUES ABOVE THE OCEAN 

A totally fictitious account of the world’s first $4 billion ($2.5b+30% ali baba+$540m+ 270m+$1.2b miss-iles+$1b rounding up) sampan class scorepenis submarine (retractable protoscoped periscope with DNA ID function and manufactured reports optional). It never sinks, but is nevertheless fully operational, armed with $1.2 million each guided exocet missiles to patrol our coasts to stop illegal Indon immigration and “wolves in the woods” from subverting national security!!

2. 20,000 LEAGUES ACROSS THE OCEAN WITHOUT ENGINES, WINGS AND PLANES

A totally fictional fairytale cartoon account of $50 million jet engines that can fly without a plane, and $200 million planes that can fly without engines and wings. Certified valid and ratified at Uruguay Round Talks on (extinct) GATT.  

Attorney General Ganesh Patel charges a 3^rd class Indian airforce private and a private sector entrepreneur kachang puteh (peanut) seller with theft and treason.

The services of 15 Airforce generals and top brass are terminated at the same time without compensation, which AG Ganesh Patel clarifies is a totally isolated and unrelated incident.

 3. 20,000 LEAGUES ACROSS AFGHAN MOUNTAINS, VALLEYS & PLAINS

A totally fictitious noir story of a $ 8 billion ($5b+30% ali baba+10% service charge+5%+$1b rounding up) contract awarded to a car AP (Approved Permit) pedlar for designing, manufacturing, testing and commissioning (+30%+10%+5%) state-of-theatre light armoured tanks for UN (UMNO New) sponsored Afgham monitoring (war games) missions.

$77 million paid spokesmen for Defence Minister Al Kayder Zawahri, reveal to a startled nation that there’s absolutely no rumour to the truth that defence forces had been infiltrated or national security compromised, by Al Qaeda terrorist spies.

4. 20,000 LEAGUES OVER KEPO SAYANG CRACKO CROOKED BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATERS

Based on a childrens’ nursery rhyme, this cartoon fable is about a once crooked apanama acerbic great pharoah who walked a crooked mile. He found himself in a crooked dilemma and so gave a non-tendered/direct nego contract to a croney to build a $3 billion crooked bridge. The project was subsequently aborted with compensation of $700 million paid to the croney. Then they spent it all and so demanded as of birthright Version 2.0 of an even more crooked bridge at twice the crooked cost+30%+5%+10% excluding state royalty or $5 billion with VO's, whichever is the greater.

great pharoah dismisses criticisms that it's a thinly disguised monomaniacal attempt to reclaim lost land, lost waters and lost sand as a sovereign right and start World War 3 at any cost (+10%+1/3x60%+GST+full compensation rights for suspended works and War Tribunal Costs). 

“How could that be?” protesteths great pharoah, "Think carefully now. My ancestors are from Kerala, India. We believe in prosper thy neighbour (to bankruptcy) policies!”  

5. 20,000 LEAGUES THROUGH SIVER STATE FOR CASINO ROYALE

A betting man's heart wrenching, endlessly twisting made-for-Escot Satellite TV thriller fiction movie about the 20-year journey of a Kroney Korpo Rat Kepten Tycoon, Vincy Baby, who travels 20,000 leagues all over Ipoh and Perak and finally secures a free licence to print money for his Successful Group of public listed companies(SG Plc).
 
The government of the Rosemajibs, comprising below King & Queen status 1^st lady de facto PM who wears the pants and her husband, approve in writing but not award, a state-of-the-art money printing machine licence in the form of a Letter of Intent (LOI) to SG Plc. The award is “certain but still under con-sideration”. The Korpo Rat Kepten, as a sign of corpulent social responsibility (CSR) pledges to “donate” $575 million (to himself) for worthy causes, to be disbursed by one Deepackemin Rosemah and her mustachioed husband, Mumtaz Taj Mahal Jahat!

Initial costings were brilliantly budgeted at $zero. But soon an ali baba roti chanai cum “global” rice trader, Said Ideal, “buys” 30% into the project planned to be housed in in a $400 million palatial building dubbed ‘Casino Royale.’ $400 milion +30%+30%+ road and flyover works to Monaco soars to over $800 million excluding pure gold for taps and faucets, cheap furniture from NY, London and Paris, Italan marble and World Class (WC) works of art!

Then the Rosemajibs reveal a surprise Govt audit had exposed  shockingly fraudulent accounting by SG plc and Said Ideal. The SC (Secured Crooks) invites several financial reporters and their lawyers for cold tea, cold turkey sandwiches and cold unbuttered and strawberried scones.

The Casino Royale LOI is duly "withdrawn under con-sideration??!!" SG Plc’s Kroney Korpo Rat Kepten and Said Ideal are last seen wandering around Pudu Jail and the banks of Bamboo River and Iron River!! 

The half completed Casino Royale palatial building is re-designated a UN (UMNO New) sanctioned cultural centre with a con-pletion budget of an additional measly $2 billion with unforeseeable VO add-ons. 

The movie ends with the memorable lines,"Frankly my dear, I don't give a DAMN, Oscars or not. After all it's not a karaoke joint or fuckshop for a Chinese contractor is it??!! We deserve World Class (WC) Arab-domed ones, don't we?" from the perennially foot-in-mouth disease suffering Minister for The Arts, Culture, Media and Law, Tim Rice Anak Yatim Nazi!!

Do write in with your own movie suggestions for the 2011 DAMN Oscars!

donplaypuks® with our movies, man!