EXCERPTS from MILITARY INTEL REPORTS - 1 (P&C. EYES ONLY)

'MoM, I Love You'
or
where the money really is

by col ollie south, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for military espionage affairs

'Yang ling, is it a promotion or demotion? I don thrust that lizard-eyed, hawk-nosed Rip Van Winkle!' screamed Mrs. Rosemajibbed, as her nails were being painted and the receding forehead artfully covered with the fringe from her perm and military-issue Estee Money Launder camouflage dye, foundation and cosmetics.

'Promotion of course, yang! Just in thime for Hari Raya too. I can pay a visit to MoM and do a collection for charity' boomed Chief In Command (not for long anymore) 6-Star General Rosemajibbed.

'Yang ling, but we did that with mother-in-law last year! Can we skip it? I Bosan oreddy. Let's head for somewhere really cool and romantic, like Paris or Venice? After all, you work so hard and really, really deserve it.

Howzabout a simple $1 mil research cum visit trip to study new Agricultural techniques in France and Italy, sponsored by Bintulu Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) or Politicians' Wives Charity Fund? And don give me any really moronic suggestion like going to Thighwan or Hong Kong. I then really sekali ped up, man' pouted Mrs. R.

'Yang, I mean to the Ministry of Money (MoM) as the Sith Jedi Master Planner of the Realm for Money. Anyway, we are all on full max Defcon 10 alert. The situation is critical. So, no holiday. We can't go overseas now!' shot back a dejected Rosemajibbed.

'Yang ling, you sure you want to move from the Ministry of War to MoM? There may be new contracts at MoW to oversee for $bil NS training camps and equipment, Russian AK47-Kalashnikovs and American M-16,21 & 25 combat rifles fitted with night-vision telescopes, Abraham battle tanks, night-scope goggles, Scorpeneis subramines, Sukhoi Jets or state-of-the-art Eurocopters and Stealth Warplanes' protested Mrs.R.

'Shows you've been concentrating on the low end contracts and the cheap bunco-artist's game, yang' puffed Rasemajibbed, as he mounted his treadmill for the evening work-out.

'Yang ling, whatever are you blabbing about?' posed a puzzled Mrs. R, as she dismissed her team of Estee Money Launder consultants, switched on the $100K Bose Karaoke System and reached for the solid 916 gold non-slip uni-directional microphone.

'Yang, can you stop thinking of spending and start saving? Let me list out for you from the top of my balding head some of MoM's achievements over the last 30 years:

1. Rescue of Bang Prince of the Earth - $3 bil (3 occassions)
2. National Central Bang Forex Trading Losses - $ 6 bil (some say $12 bil, some $30 bil). The man directly responsible, ForexLooseCannon will be my No.2. How lucky can you get!
3. Iron & Steal Scrap Metal Venture Factory - $6 bil (conservative estimate)
4. Last rescue of Mana Ada System Airlines - $ 2 bil
5. Rescue of RoadMudaDisunitedGameOverEngineers Plc - $4 bil
6. Portsweatinghangemhigh Free Warehouse Land Trade Centre - $4 bil (meter is still running)
7. Time@eternal.loss.con -$ 2 bil
8. Rescue of Firaun's son's Kapaltenggelam Plc - $2 bil
9. Space Training & Tourism - $1.2 bil
10. Investment in high tech incubator co written-off- $1/2 bil

11. Investment in Alpha Prodana Motors - $10 bil at least
12. Rescue of Alpha Prodana Motors - $2 bil
13. East Coast oil royalty re-spent - $4 bil, and more.'

'Yang ling, why the hell then have you been with this 'yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir' bunch of losers MoW all these years. No one's ever going to invade us. Are you telling me I've been married to the wrong politician all this time? Hmmph, maybe I should have gone to the Mufti about that alleged fling you had with that alleged slut allegedly in Port Dickson!' she flung at him, while fiddling with the knobs for 'Biduan,' her favourite karaoke number.

'Don be stupid yang, we are a team. You think you would have done betther with Imam Hadhari or Grumpymopeydopeydin or god-forbid, Sir Abim Obasama?' laughed Rosemajibbed.

'Yang ling, don make fun of me like dat. We mas stragedise as a team. Save for our retirement. We complement each other like two peas in a petai pod!' pacified Mrs.R.

'That's very romantic, yang. That's the you I love. In that case, listen up! Get MI to investigate and make a dossier of all the Federal Govt $bil projects proposed by Firaun & shelved by Rip. Get me a list of all Public Listed Companies in trouble or would be in trouble if we pull the plug. Check-out AuntyMay Bang Plc which is having a major problem with their grossly over-valued acquisition and possible loss of $1/2 bil, in Indonesia.

Sound out the architects for a $bil new HQ for National Central Bang & Managers of Money in Palace of the Successful Prince. Get cracking, you hear!!' ordered Rosemajibbed, growing in confidence with each word.'

'Yang ling, I shy shy thu look at you when you thalk like that. I thremble when you speaking in that commanding thone' whispered Mrs.R in a husky voice, as she dropped the mike and stretched out demurely on a $50K Italian leather couch.

'Yang, I'll make the USA Fed's $tril rescue of Fannie Mae & Freddy Mac and $85 bil bail-out of AIG look like a tsunami in a piggy bank. Yang, you have truly inspired me. You have stirred up all my energies to go out and conquer the World. This will be the greatest challenge of my career, one that will make or break me!!'

'Yang ling, something else seems to be stirring after that treadmill work-out and that masterly performance just now' trilled an archingly coy Mrs.R, as she fluttered her eyelids at his round ketupat-packed pecs and buns.

'At Ease!!' lashed out the General, as his gaze wandered lower down. 'But first yang, let's switch on RTUFO2 Telly. Turn the volume up. What's on?' queried Rosemajibbed as he sauntered to the couch.

'Yang ling, it's a P.Ramli classic, Ali Baba Bujang Lapok. Another repeat,' answered an expectant Mrs.R.

'That's the 100th continuous repeat in 100 days isn't it? A new entry in the Genius Book of Records, perhaps? Remind me to sack the CEO and Programming Head for RTUFO2 Telly will you, yang?' barked out Rosemajibbed as he made himself comfortable on the couch, next to Mrs.R.

'Yang ling, what about Sir Abim Obasama and 916.'

'Yang, I'm afraid three's a crowd. And besides, Sighful claims Obasama swings both ways, and I've no inclination to test that hypothesis out on my buns!! Lights out!! Tenn Hutt! Dari kiri, chepat...!

File Ref: MMVIII (EMIR 1 19/09/08).

donplaypuks with my mom, man!!

ps

report prepared by lion city spy, kali mali mangkali, agent 007.50, licensed to kill and/or steal from bodies dead or alive. preferred drink - the James Bond dry martini or 'The Vesper', shaken, not stirred! Recipe for 'The Vesper' martini:

1 cocktail shaker. add:

3 measures of Gordon's gin

1 measure of vodka

1/2 measure of Kina Lillet (not vermouth, but wine with quinine !)

generous portion of ice-cubes

shake mix well until ice-cold

pour mix into a deep champagne goblet

add 1 large slice of lemon peel

manglish/malay dictionary:
bosan - bored
bang - bank
don - don't
dat - that
dari kiri, chepat - army marching command 'from the left, quick
defcon - USA national security alert

ketupat - local sticky rice cake wrapped in coconut leaf and served with satay
ling - local abbreviation for darling
mas - must
oreddy - all ready
petai - a pungent legume said to have aprhodisiac value, favoured by locals
p.ramli - great, versatile malay actor, composer, producer and singer/musician of the 50's
sekali ped up - at once fed up
stragedy - tragic strategy
tenn-hutt - american army command for stand to attention
thalk - talk
thighwan - Taiwan

thime - time
thone - tone
thremble - tremble
thrust - trust
yang - local abbreviation for sayang or love/darling