THE SEPTEMBER 16TH CHRONICLES. PART III.

'SIGHFUL IS PREGNANT!'
or
‘i swear, by the light of the moon and the stars’ by boys to women.

by cheiro edward cayce, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent on numbers and futures forecasting affairs.

(Part IV - 'Alibabaji & the 43rd Thief' to follow soon. Huh? wasn't it 40 Thieves?).

‘Yo Dad, you gotta hear this.This is a real zinger! It’s more serious than the postal votes in Rembau. It’s 666. The end of our World is imminent!’

‘If I told you once, I told you a thousand times Cassius Sil. Do not ever disturb me from my mid-morning power-nap! And don’t call me Dad. It’s Pak Imam Hadhari. Geddit? Anyway, now that I am half awake, where’s the fire?’ thundered Premier Rip Van Winkle, the usually Clark Kent mild-mannered type man of few words and even fewer actions, as he pulled his fingers out of his nostrils and thumbs out of his mouth.

‘Well. The Surgeon General from the Ministry, FRCS American I.Smile Everect Cocked Gun, has sent you a notification.’

‘What is it? Cancer causes smoking? Three Headed babies cause atomic radiation in Rare Earth district. Stomach cancer causes break out of GM-cloned potatoes and rice in Carrefour. No, let me guess, my favourite, increase in carcinogenic diseases in The Valley causes leachate leakage in landfill?’ Surprise me.’

‘He’s pregnant.’

‘Oh, ok, wonderful, congratulations! Just send the happy couple a box of Cadbury with a congratulatory card from US that says ‘All becoz the Lady Loves Milk Tray.’

‘What? You didn’t hear me correctly, PIH. I said HE is pregnant! SIGHFUL IS PREGNANT!’

‘What the Fu…no, what the Fish are you blabbing about?. Have you beeen coking out with your Havoxbridge triple-degree graduate friends again? What’s going on? First Home Science Minister Magoo Jagger No Bianca says it was consensual. At the PP by-election Sighful swore by the light of the moon and the stars that he’d been raped, but the AG has filed a case for consensual sex. Now you are all saying its Procreative Sex? WTF!! Surely there can be no rumour to the truth?

Where is that Surgeon General American I.Smile ECG? Fcuking Round the Countryside Side as usual, I suppose. Get him here NOW! I want to hear every word he has to say, in person.’

‘No. it’s confirmed. This is Top Top Secret For Eyes & Ears Only. FRCS has already fled to an unknown neighbouring country. But good thing, we have his only original attested irrevocable Statutory Declaration (SD) which I Police Raja has safely filed away in the vaults of Special Branch at Peace Hill Resort.’

‘Oh sure it’s as safe as houses in I Polis Raja's vaults where they keep concentrated nitric acid for chemistry classes. And, unknown neighboring country in local Govt & GLC-speak is London, New York, Paris, Tokyo, Munich or Sydney. Also, going by recent events, you’ll find a copy of the SD mysteriously turning up on Petra’s www anytime now. Doesn’t Immigration know where FRCS American ECG exited the country and tracked him down yet?’

‘Oh yes, they had captured his exit-point instantly in their records. But, it’s been mysteriously erased from the data banks of their $5 billion recently upgraded by direct-negotiations non-tendered our contract.’

‘Why? Was Military Intelligence involved? So, explain to me Cassius Sil, how could a young man, any man, be pregnant. Even Einstein & that couple Sherlock Watson & Prick Holmes, would have failed had they tried such an experiment, I should think’

‘You mean James Watson & Francis Crick, the Nobel Prize winning discoverers of the double-helix structure of DNA? Well, anyway it's a World First and we have submitted Sighful's Pregnancy for inclusion in our Genius Book of Records. It appears, Sighful felt uncomfortable again, complained of a bloated stomach, sore bottom and constipation on the 26th and his pet uncle and aunty took him to Piss Raw Wee Hospital for a check-up.There, apparently an inexperienced Bangladeshi MD of 25 years standing and service says he conducted an apparently thorough examination and issued a Medical Report (MR) which stated ‘Pregnancy & Rape Ruled Out.' Sighful had confessed to the Bangladeshi doctor that wanton procreative rape had taken place on 8 occassions altogether resulting in his pregnancy.’

Sighful, not satisfied, then proceeded logically to the klinik.pondok@ER.irajahotrodcon.gov.con for a second opinion. Extensive tests coducted at their world class fertility klinic established an opinion that ‘Pregnancy & Rape Could Be Ruled In’ and that further tests would be undertaken.

Surgeon General FRCS American ECG, who is also a Sith Jedi Master Phd in English, is of the opinion that ‘Pregnancy & Rape Ruled Out’ does not mean ‘Ruled Out 100% conclusively forever in a friendly court of last resort.' Judge for yourself.’

‘So, who’s the lucky father? And why haven’t you then instructed by untraceable and unrecordable cell phone call AG Ganesh Patel to press charges forthwith. Or informed the Religious Department that a miracle is in process, the end of the world is nigh and should we build an Ark? What’s the catch?’

‘First, no one at klinik pondok will sign the MR. All the senior doctors are also mysteriously FRCS in unknown neighbouring countries. Second, well, we need the prospective father’s DNA and fresh blood samples to confirm paternity. The alleged suspect, Sir Abim Obasama, when questioned, has told I Polis Raja to refer to International Accounting Standard (IAS) 6969.'

'And what's IAS 6969?'

'Something to do with stock valuation issue called the FO & FO method, I don't know. Also, The DNA Bill hasn’t been passed yet.’

‘I told you 2 weeks ago it’s not my problem anymore. I’m on unofficial leave till June 2010. Go sort it out with General Rosemajibbed and his gang. I’m off to the movies, that one with the young Jack Lemmon in it.’

‘You mean with Walter Matthau in ‘The Odd Couple.’

‘No, with Norma Jean - ‘Some Like It Hot.’

‘Who the fish is Norma Jean? I thought it was Jack Lemon, Tony Curtis & blond bomb-shell Marilyn Monroe.’

‘Go Google Norma Jean. Thats mean my kind of Versace-expensive Jeans!! Oh, my bargain Govt issue incredibly cheap $5,600 Dell Inspiron 1525 (with maintanance and trade-in thrown in by directly negotiated non-tendered out contract company but available brand-new for $2,700 with extended warranty thrown in on the internet direct from DELL) Laptop just went Ping! Ah, just as I suspected there is that FRCS American ECG’s SD just uploaded in Petra’s www. If you have any sense you will get SLOWMYX@.CON to block it out before the brown pulut hits the fan. Selamat Malam.’

LATER THAT SAME DAY AT A SECRET TEMPORARY OPS PLACE IN ROOM 69 CONCORDAT HOTEL

‘Ten Hutt! Well, Cassius Sil, how do we compute this one? That Sighful fool has gone and got himself pregnant. Sodo Mee 2 we can just about sell to the World, but Pregnancy? Our ship is sunk, surely!.And just when we needed him, I Raja Polis has got himself warded up with a bypass. So SD’s cannot be withdrawn by tea-party and gentle persuasive interrogation techniques. What have you got to say about this mess?’ fumed general Rosemajibbed.

‘Me? Why me? It’s you who want the throne so badly. You have not even repelled Genghiz Khan’s Mongolian invasion yet. So don talk big. Wait a sec, my vibrator no.5 is cellphoning! Let me answer that call. Hmm, yes, yes, yes, no, no, no! bye bye.'

What was all that about Cassius Sil?'

'The crisis has been averted. Apparently Sighful tried to abort the pregnancy by sticking a knitting needle up where the sun don shine. There followed a massive explosion of gas and they had to evacuate his home district for fear of hydrogen sulphide and sulphur dioxide pollution. The pet MAN FROM UNCLE has disappeared, 'Big Shit, but no Chief' story! Sighful is now warded at the GH and is suffering from massive PF Depression and facing major Torn Posterior & Colorectal Corrective Surgery. '

'I have heard of PPD - Post Partum Depression some mothers suffer from, following delivery of a baby. But, what's PFD?

'Post Fartum Depresssion!'

'And all the no, no, no?'

'Ah, I Raja Polis suggested the best cure for Sighful's PFD was a case of Magnum .357 calibre Dum Dum Parabellum '69 Champagne up the Khyber. The experience will apparently simply blow you to bits! A real gas blast-out!'

'Well, that's something you have to C4 yourself. Enough excitement for one day. Another false alarm! I'm off to the movies - 'Terminator 1,2 & 3 extended screening for 1st day of fasting.'

'Tenn Hut!'

'Dismissed!'
donplaypuks® with my DNA, man!