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23/03/2016

NAJIB IMPOSES BATANG TAX WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT! GOVT BORROWINGS EXCEED 55% OF GDP!

by bon jolly jon vein, Donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for batang and  barang affairs




Desperate times calls for desperate measures. The Malaysian government debt:GDP ratio exceeded the 55% limit imposed by law way back in 2014. Serially lying and defrauding Prime Minister and Finance Minister Najib Ali Razzak Bacha Ahmed Nor then coerced BNM and the Ministry of Finance (MoF) to 'massage' the statistics so that the debt hovered a fraction below the 55% danger line. This was done by fiddling around with exchange rates against the US dollar and other currencies.

However, the truth can no longer be hidden. Expert financial watchdogs such as the International Monetary Fund (IMF) and World Bank have issued stern warnings to Najib about falsifying national statistics, and about rating agencies downgrading Malaysia's bond risk premium from A-- to Somalia shilling status, i.e. pariah.

Najib's hands have also been forced by the huge drop in oil price, which negated the temporary surplus created by GST. Najib then convened a meeting of the Mamak Gang of crystal ball economists comprising the following, to come up with a long-term solution to rectify the revenue short-fall:

1. Chief Sec to the Government - Irwan Ali Hamza Bacha Ahmed Nor.
2. Chief Secretary to the MoF - Irwan Serigar Ali Deen Bacha Ahmed Nor.
3. Chief Sec to the EPU (Economic Plundering Unit) - Irwan Ali Yakcop Robocop Bacha Ahmed Nor.

After intense study and discussions, and due to the serious economic situation, Najib and his Mamak Gang have come up with a new and viable long-term tax to be enforced with immediate effect.

This tax will be called the Business Aid Tools And Naughty Games Tax, or in short, the BATANG Tax, based on the length of the male human penis, locally knows as batang.

The Mamak Gang had carried out a very detailed study which revealed that the Malaysian batang was:

1. 67% of the time hanging around, unemployed.
2. 17% of the time, pissed off.
3. 10% of the time, hard up.
4. 5% of the time, in a rut i.e. a hole.
5. 1/2% of the time, in the wrong rut.
6. 1% of the time, tight in hand.

The problem is made worse by the fact that the batang has permanent dependents - two nuts in sagging sacs!

The law has been gazetted whereby every Malaysian male over the age of 18 who is not in full-time higher education, will have to pay, on top of Income Tax, an annual fixed BATANG Tax based on the batang's normal, resting lengthas follows:

1. 5-10 cm - Nuisance Tax @ $50
2. 10-20 cm - Privilege Tax @ $100
3. 20-25 cm - Pole Tax $200
4. 25-30cm - Luxury Tax @ $400
5. More than 30cm - Pola Singh Tax @ $500*


Those exceeding 30 cm must also register for Capital Gains Tax.
Those under 9 cm can claim partial Tax Refund, on a deflated scale.

NB

1. All measurements for BATANG Tax submission shall be carried out and certified at the all-male NASIONAL BATANG TAK CENTRE. The work has been outsourced by direct negotiations to a 1 inch paid-up share capital BUMNO/SCUMNO crony company, Syarikat Barang2 dan Alat2 Peruntukan Odit Kambu or BAPOK Headquartered at Batang Kali:

Chairman - Dick Irwan Serigar Ali Bacha Ahmed Nor
CEO - John Irwan Serigar Ali Bacha Ahmed Nor
Secretary - Willy Irwan Serigar Ali Bacha Ahmed Nor
Legal - Mohd Shaftee Abdullah Ali Bacha Ahmed Nor (rumoured to be the next AG)

2. Halal and non-halal equipment and gloves shall be used by BAPOK as appropriate.
3. All submission shall be filed online.
4. Only certified machine measurements shall be accepted. Oral measurements and submissions shall not be accepted. Hand jobs will be rejected.
5. Inflation shall not be factored in.
6. The tax shall be doubled for anyone using Tiger Balm to doctor measurement.
7. Refund claims for permanent shrinkage in subsequent years shall not be entertained.
8. Pensioners and others on certified Viagra program shall be entitled to claim a 50% rebate.
9. Taxpayers certified medically as impotent shall be exempt.
10. All measurement returns shall be filed promptly.
11. Extensions shall not be entertained.
12. Foreign workers shall also be subjected to BATANG Tax. Agents are not allowed to register Foreign Worker Association members.

PM Najib was today quoted as saying that the future of the people was in their hands. "Plan for smaller families. Shorten your rising expectations. Oil prices are beyond my control. Do not erupt in fury. Any overflow of emotions will affect the economy adversely."

Although tax collections could be further doubled, given the equal ratio of men:women in Malaysia, Najib confirmed that there is no rumour to the truth that the MoF is debating options to introduce a Business Aid Raba2 And Naughty Games Tax or BARANG Tax on women, based on the size of their bra with certification sub-contracted to a 1 litre milk paid up share capital BUMNO/SCUMNO crony company - Tensi and Erectile Testing Enterprise Kings Holdings or TETEK Holdings headquartered at Batang Berjuntai.........

And if you thought Najib and his Mamak Gang could not add up the percentages above, what did you expect of a government of incompetents and thieves?

Donplaypuks® with Malaysian members, Najib! !

6 comments:

ARR said...

Those contributing to Tabung Bollocks can claim tax excemption

Donplaypuks® said...

How Arr? Rafizi says seed capital all dried up?

houdini said...

The Malay Mail Online reported ... :

“The Federal Government’s latest debt amount for the year ending December 31 2015 is RM 630.5 billion, or 54.5 per cent of the GDP. However, the MOF said the debt is still manageable.
“The government is committed to ensure that the Federal Government’s debts do not exceed 55 per cent of the GDP.

However, as previously reported on this blog, Government debt estimates do not include debt incurred by 1MDB.


Adding 1 MDB debt of approximately RM 47 billion raises the level of Government debt to RM
677.5 billion,. Given the underlying GDP figure of RM 1156.88 billion, that debt comes to 58.56% of GDP, more than 3 percentage points above the ceiling.
http://sahathevan.blogspot.my/2016/03/malaysian-government-debt-is-in-excess.html

Donplaypuks® said...

Houdini

The debts and guarantees of 100% owned government companies like 1MDB should be included in the debt figure, in the same way the debts of subsidiaries are consolidated with that of their holding companies in the private sector.

Otw, the govt is hiding behind spurious statistics. When things get worse, they will not be prepared for the financial fall-out.

Phanga said...

Me wonder why Tony(Pua, not Fernandez) and Rafizi haven't walloped Arul about the 1MauBillioneDollar 31/3/15 audited accounts (extension of time of six months to file from Oct 2015 given by SSM). I bet the audit haven't even started.

Donplaypuks® said...

Phang

The ROC gave 1MDB an extension to file the accounts. The audit has begun but they are deliberately delaying the auditors because the accounts will show a huge loss.

Also, I believe that in the current situation where Jibby is concealing the audit trail and money movements, the auditors are not prepared to give an unqualified report. More so when the WSJ, Sarawak Report and Swiss authorities are claiming that there was CBT, fraud, looting and money-laundering by Jibby at 1MDB!!