MB vs MB or SILENCE OF THE LAME KANGAROO LA MB'S

by g'die ramli burger and partners, llb, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for kangaroo courting affairs













The Auto Assembly Line: In Perak.
The Place: Under the shade of the Democracy Raintree in Ipoh.
The Man: Towering Glocal 2nd Hand Car Salesman, Latok Camry (PhD).
The Other Man Thursday 7th May & PR Speaker: Sani Gana.
The Judge: Left Honourable Ramli Burger, sole proprietor.
The Court: Ping Pong.
The Equipment: Cojones, the lack of.
The issue: Latok Camry’s elevation to the International Statesmen’s Hall of Fame.
The Reason: Kita Bolih! (We can)
The Time: Now !!

The ever urbane and elegant looking patrician Jawaharlal Nehru in white, white Jubba and Ghandhi cap strolled around the quadrangle with his frail looking paramour Lady Edwina Mountbatten in summer cotton frock and straw hat clinging to his arm like a scene out of some E.M. Forster novel.

In another corner, under the generous shade of the village Democracy Raintree stooped the still emaciated frail figure of Mohandas Karamchand Ghandhi, the Mahatma, bent over his trademark cotton spinning wheel or Chakra.

Elsewhere, seated on a $5 wooden stool was the 91 year old Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela in his customary two-piece blue suit, wearing the grin of a little innocent boy. Such was the shining openness in his visage you’d never suspect he’d spent 18 years in solitary confinement on Robben Island!

In another corner where the branches and leaves drooped almost to the ground, square-jawed John Fitzgerald Kennedy frolicked with copper-platinum haired Marilyn Monroe who had a plunging neckline so deep, Ghandhi’s bifocals had fogged over and iced up as though under attack by the rolling mists on a cold Himalayan night, and the already scanty dhoti now sucked up to his vitals like cling wrap on Carrefour frozen spare, lean chicken chops!

And how the little boys and girls and men and women oohed and aahed at the silken skills of Edison Arantes do Nascimento aka Pele as he magically kept three footballs in perpetual motion with head, hip, thigh, shoulder, ankle and foot!

The never-been-near-a-beach fish white, rotund Sir Winston Leonard Spencer-Churchill in white 3-piece suit was engaged in animated conversation with the black-suited Abraham Lincoln in black stovepipe hat near the now acid-melted and hammer- assaulted plaque. It was 90 in the shade and you could have fried an egg on the concrete slab of the side-walk; but Churchill perspired not a drop, so cucumber cool was he. And Lincoln still talked about an epochal ‘four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.’

The spirits and flesh of great statesmen and achievers past and present had gathered, drawn together by the immutable unwritten laws of the Universe!

“The validity of any proceedings in the Auto Assembly Line shall not be questioned in any Court. Couldn’t be clearer than that, could it Goosy?” posed Churchill to Ghandhi, as he chomped on his favourite Hitler brand Havana stogie.

“No, fat mama’s boy Billy Bunter, no. It’s crystal clear. Any twelve year old child could read and understand that. Even Jinnah! It’s all about public toilets and canines you know!” opined a smiling Ghandhi, once a practicing lawyer himself.

“But there’s no written judgement. So, how and what can they bleddy appeal against, eh, kaffir. Isn’t that somewhat scurrilous action by Left Honourable Auto Pilot Judges, CoA and Fed ‘Roos?” boomed Mandela, another who had once worn robes and wigs.

“Oh, and Latok Camry’s Man Thursday, pretender and usurper PR Speaker Sani Gana, summoned in I Polis Raja. Thank God they did not open fire like they did in Kent State in 1970! When written in Chinese, the word "crisis" is composed of two characters. One represents danger and the other represents opportunity,” a concerned JFK mused as his finger traced a sinuous arc on Marilyn’s spine.

“I warned Latok Camry long nights ago of a tryst with destiny!” volunteered Nehru as he gazed deeply into Edwina’s blue eyes.

“Let’s summarise his achievements shall we,” said a very business-like Lincoln:-

1. Arguably ‘in office’ for 3 months.
2. Created 2 MB’s Assembly Line.
3. Created 2 Speakers Assembly Line.
4. Created 2 Excos Assembly Line.
5. Major campaign – Camry car auction (none sold).
6. Tried to bar the Press from the Assembly Line.
7. Caused major disruption of the Auto Assembly Line process.
8. Thrown out of Assembly Line – once, in 3 months.

“That's all? Not exactly a World Cup Winning achievement, is it?” asked the Great Pele. “So, who will tell him the sad news? Ghandhi? Mandela?”

“Oh, we’ll leave it to Nizar, I think. Most appropriate wouldn’t you say? Poetic justice and all that? And remind Nizar to give that little speech about God, King, Country and all that would you please?’’ advised Mandela to Pele.

“Oh, and which Country would that be Nelson?” asked a smiling Pele.

“You know. Surely you know what I mean or do I have to spell it out for Latok
Camry? The Country without a tree?”

donplaypuks® with my assembly line-up, man!!
the kangaroo hop song with adam sandler

A LITTLE BLACK NUMBER!

I can't be in Ipoh today. Sad!

But I'll wear something black as a sign of solidarity, ok!

And if I get arrested and the cop says 'Anything you say can and will be HELD against you' , my reply, so sue me, will be:

'VENESSA WILLIAMS!!'

I'll be slipping into something black tonight. Between the sheets, skin to skin, as Mandingo once said.

Yo, Chicken George, Le Roy, Snoop, Fat Boy Slim and Boys to Women, anyone gotta problem with dat?

What about you?

Boys and Girls, pick your own black number.

donplaypuks® with the State of my assembly, man!

RINGGIT, ringgit? RINGGIT, ringgit? RINGGIT, ringgit?

or how malayan frogs (katak) mate and hop

by david attentionboro hopalong cassidy, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for wild life on 1 discovery affairs

ring-git!ring-git!ring-git! ting-a-ling! you can ring my bell!

And for today’s episode we shall forage deep into the heartland of the Malayan Peninsula where the yellow and orange striped tiger still roams in the tropical jungle, the leathery crocodile teems in the mosquito-infested and malaria ridden swamp, the rogue grey elephant lays waste to banana grove and the wild see-no-evil, hear-no-evil, do-no-evil monkey still runs the Peoples' Administration!

In this green lung of the world, wild boar is yet hunted in the rubber estates of Slim River and Tanjung Malim (malim - a Malay sea captain), forest areas the size of a football field disappear daily ravaged by the voracious Malayan Palm Oil Planter and national football teams fail against schoolboys' sides!

And here, (pant!pant!) deep in the Malayan Rainforest and from our vantage point high on top of the emerald and verdant Perak State Hills of grossly quarried and collapsed limestone caves, we shall peer through the penetrating lenses of our cameras.

And lo and behold what does my little eye spy in Jelapang District? Why it's none other than the UNUSUAL species of the amphibious Malayan Frog (katak) scientifically classified under the Linnaearse system as Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or commonly referred to as the Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog for its wily and cunning ways.

Let us study the lifestyle and habits of this Jelapang frog found close to the edge of the large paddy fields bordering the B-grade link road to Ipoh just after the infamous ‘death trap’ Jelapang Toll Highway. Unusual, since frogs (and toads too as there is actually no real difference in their Biologies) generally tend to mate after the tiniest of downpours, by the hundreds and thousands, laying and fertilising externally millions of eggs in one go, and nowhere else in the world can one find an area infested with only the female of the species!

Many a lorry driver entering the B-Grade link road, woud soon be looking for a ‘quickie’ along the dilapidated row of old colonial houses now frequented and patronised by ladies of altruistic nightly leisure. He would, after satiating his beastly sordid appetite there, head for the paddy fields to fill up a sackload or two with these Jelapang female frogs for sale in the night markets of Ipoh, the capital city of Perak.

The female frogs would not put up a fight, their only sign of protest being a sad whispered sigh of ‘yfh, yfh! yfh, yfh!yfh, yfh!’ and flicking their long sticky tongues hither and thither.! This strange species has been known to migrate via mysterious channels to as far as Hong Kong and Taiwan to find suitable mates!

It is for these reasons that the Malayan Frog, Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog is more commonly referred to here as the ‘Jelapang Prostitute’ and ‘Confirmed Frustrated Old Maid.’

As we now train our sights on nearby picture-perfect Changkat Jering, we are reminded of Kashmir; such is the natural beauty of this ‘God’s own garden’ as to bring us to our knees and cause tears to well up in our eyes. And here, nestling among the sparkling homes of Retired Army Captains, Navy Admirals and Oarsmen, resides the most unusual of the Malayan Frog which carries $100,000 wads of bank notes in its pouch!

At any time of the year, not just during the mating season in rainy Oct-Dec, these tiny, short-cloaca’d (arsed) Changkat Jering frogs could be seen hopping about with gay abandon, rending the air around the watery fields and river banks with what might sound like, ‘Ringgit, ringgit? Ringgit, ringgit? Ringgit, ringgit?’ (Money, money? Money, money? Money, money?)

And like the nightly burst of fireflies in Kuala Selangor, out would emerge from the bushes these strange men in long, dark trenchcoats with sackloads of money on weighing scales in their hands and shouting back something like, ‘Lompat, lompat? Lompat, lompat? Lompat, lompat?’ (Jump, jump? Jump, jump? Jump, jump?).

And dabnabbit, if the CJ frogs did not respond with ‘Berapa Tinggi? Berapa Tinggi? Berapa Tinggi?’ (How High? How High? How High?).

And so these delightful oral and verbal exchanges in nature’s frontyard would result in an offer that could not be refused and would end in a marvellous cacophony of Beethovenesque celestial music. You have to be at the CJ Ensemble Assembly personally to hear, see and believe it!

It is for these reasons that the Malayan Frog Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog is more commonly referred to in Changkat Jering as ‘Katak Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark’.

And as we come to the end of our long, exhausting and arduous journey through the humidity and smelter furnace-like heat of the Silver State, we have time for just one more stop at Behrang by the Bernam River, home of the Malayan Frog which is not above flicking its sticky tongue into China frogs during the mating season, which is on any day that ends with a ‘Y.’

The Behrang Frog is a delectable over-performing randy little nipper bugger of mixed parentage whose sexual appetite can be aroused by the mere sight of splayed wet web or a shake of tympanic or nictitating membrane! Shall we then fault it for engaging (pant! pant!)in nights (and days too) of orgiastic debauchery when locked up against it’s will and religion with a bevy of the female of the amphibious species referred to in Butterworth and Georgetown in Penang as ‘China Dolls’? Or with socialist minded femme fatale ‘Ang Moh’ female Lara Zhivago frogs from Moscow and Vladivostok? Or with altruistic ‘We are Siamese, if you please; We are Siamese if you don't please; We are Siamese, to hell with Chinese!’ 3-way cane toads from Phatpong in Bangkok? Or.........

No! Never! Who shall cast the first stone, even if it is likely to strike only a Crocodile Leather Ecolack Briefcase filled to the brim with mere million dollar Bearer Bond Certificates?

The Malayan Frog, Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog is aptly labelled in Behrang by the Bernam River as ‘Casanova Bangali Kondai’ (Sick Casonova) for its staying power and astounding stamina!

And so, as the sun sets, raindrops begin to spatter, and here and there rainbows emblazon the skies with promised buried treasures. The eternal cycles of the seasons play out their cosmic dance as we take leave of the panaromic Malayan landscape where you can buy land for $3 psf today and sell it for $28 psf tomorrow, all guaranteed by the most assiduous of Simian Administrators who will then sponsor hopping frogs to study food and agricultural techniques in Taiwan and Hong Kong!

The concluding part to this mould-hopping series on the amphibious life found in the cranny and cracks of South East Asia will reveal the last of the unique variety of the Malayan Frog Anura Rana Ratticarse Hoppus or Hopping Rat’s Arse Frog known locally in Bota District by the Perak River as the ‘Katak Double Agent 007 1/2 OHMIQ’ or the ‘Frog that turned, got frognapped and went home with it’s tail between its cloaca (arse)’.

Do tune in next week to understand all the bald facts about this fascinating frog from Bota in Perak!

donplaypuks® with my michelin guide recommended ‘sautant cuisses de grenouille’ (jumping frogs legs), man!

THY KINGDOM COME! or 'between my thighs!'

by lord denning, master of the rolls, jams, sandwiches and cookies, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for vice and legal affairs













The FIVE VICE MEN sat in stony silence in their Ivory Tower Plaza chamber pots.

“Well, bugger me! The Cuntstitution says that neither the validity of any proceedings in the Casino Royale Estate Management Assembly nor the conduct of any Toddy Speaker thereof can be questioned in any Court, for forever and a day! Dammit Sheriff Alladdjin, are they serious? We can’t even say it’s irrelevant and expunge the entire Casino Royale Estate Management Assembly and that Toddy Speaker?” lamented a shaken and stirred whisky-water St.Pee Saul.

“I think you have handled one too many sodo mee tainted noodles cases and need a break, St. Pee Saul. But it does look like our goose is cooked. We have to uphold The Cuntstitution. There’s no way out. We can't shoot the Cuntstitution bandicoot!” voiced a sad and forlorn looking Colt .45 toting Sheriff Alladdjin of the 40 Thieves.

“Well, could we not, so as not to put too fine a point on it, ignore The Cuntstitution? I mean it was drafted 50 years ago and they had no idea then that we are being threatened by Zionist and Satan Burning Bush conspirators. We should ditch The Cuntstitution bitch!” protested a visibly angry and upset Warden Zack the Hack.

“Yes, let’s suspend The Cuntsitution. We can say it’s faulty because it confers absolute immunity to Lord Shiva, the Casino Royale Estate Management Assembly Toddy Speaker. That’s not cricket, wot? We should wring the Cuntstitutionla string!” thundered Marionette Manniquin, The Hanging Judge.

“We might as well hang ourselves if we take that route. The Doctrine of Separation of Powers, that’s mean we can’t make the law. Besides, the Speaker does not have absolute powers or immunity. He can be disciplined or voted out by a majority of the MP's in a State Assembly session. Slam dunk, we are sunk and Ho, Ho, Ho!” opined the Honourable Nicholas Hashamed.

“In that case, first let’s call Casino Royale and give him the bad news!” announced Sheriff Alladdjin of the 40 Thieves.

“Don forget his son Poker Nazgul Royale. He’s poised to take over the Casino Royale Estate Integrated Resorts! ” reminded St.Pee Saul.

“Yes, but don ignore the daughter either, Vesper Lynd Roulette Royale of Roadmudabanditunitedengineers Plc who has the beauty, brains, money AND THE SHARES!” warned Warden Zack The Hack.

“But we can’t consult Casino Royale, surely? That would be sub-jaundiced would it not? If news leaked out, we will have yellow egg-yolk all over our faces! The New State Parsley Sage Rosemary Thighmes & Star-dusty newspapers would have a field day on our legal posteriors not to mention that interfering busy-body cock, Raja Petrel!” warned Marionette Manniquin, The Hanging Judge.

“Let’s pick his brains anyway. He might have a solution for us, ok?” ruled Sheriff Alladdjin of the 40 Thieves.

Peeponpeeponpeepon...012....

“Wei? Hurro, this is Ngah. Why you corr me? Is it Lord Shiv...Hurro, hurro? Ngeh, what’s happening mah. This Minimaximus handphone company ah, 1 day got 1,000 drop calls one. Can’t make manee the honest way, is it? Kanee....Mas be dat Jelapang prostitute trying hoax corrs on me again, is it? Chou ch....bai!”

“Wtf, wrong number. Let’s try again,” mumbled a red-faced St.Pee Saul.

Peeponpeeponpeepon...019....

“My name is Bond, Merdeka Casino Royale Bond. Who is this peasant who dares call me in the middle of a hookey game?”

“Bond, Merdeka Bond! Sorry, wrong number! Got Khazanah by mistake,” moaned a red-faced St.Pee Saul.

“You stupid fool! Been drinking cheap Soora on the job again? That is him, Casino Royale. Call him back and apologise quickly!” groaned Sheriff Alladdjin of the 40 Thieves.

Peeponpeeponpeepon...019....

“My name is Bond, Merdeka Casino Royale Bond. Who is this peasant who dares call me in the middle of a nookey game?”

“A thousand apologies, your Greatness. We have bad news for you. There’s no way out. We have checked and re-checked The Cuntstitution. We have to rule against the Merdeka Casino Royale Bond Estate and in favour of the Casino Royale Estate Management Toddy Speaker!” whispered St.Pee Saul.

“Listen Pee Brain. Let me put it to you this way. How would the merry band of the 5 of you like to pay a 20 year visit In Secluded Activity at Villa Kamunting? You get my drift?” shot back Merdeka Casino Royale Bond.

“Bbbb...bbut, was it not you who once said ‘under normal circumstances, it is taken for granted that the Merdeka Casino Royale Bond would not withhold his consent to a request for dissolution of ......Estate.. His role is purely formal.’ We cannot compromise the integrity of Justice and the doctrine of separation of powers, surely?” pleaded St.Pee Saul.

“Listen backdoorsman peckerhead, how would you like a bottle up where the sun don’t shine? Don’t quote me to my face!” screamed an extremely upset Merdeka Casino Royale Bond.

“Perhaps you could offer us some informal advice and assistance?” grovelled Sheriff Alladdjin of the 40 Thieves.

“I wonder if there is anything I might say that might persuade you Five Vice Men to consider recasting that sentence in question so as to transfer the emphasis from the specific instance to the abstract concept, without impairing the conceptual integrity of our subject matter? Hrrmph! Did you get that you faggot woodlice? This town ain’t big enough for US and that Casino Royale Estate Management Assembly Toddy Speaker . And get this straight, I ain’t the one who will be leaving!” roared a majestic Merdeka Casino Royale Bond.

“Gosh, yes! How stupid of me! I’ll call you back, Sir!” oozed Sheriff Alladdjin of the 40 Thieves.

“You got all that? Fuck me! I thought I understood Queens English!” mused a clearly amused St.Pee Saul . “I thought it was a bit shitty of Merdeka Casino Royale Bond, though.”

“Of course! You would know all about being anal retentive. Didn’t you get the message? When in doubt, WAFFLE!” explained Sheriff Alladdjin of the 40 Thieves.

And they all said loudly, “Of course. Stupid of me!” and slapped their foreheads and then each other’s foreheads and then knuckled the top of their skulls and each other's skulls. “Touch wood!” they chorused in perfect unison.

“Yes, of course. We won’t mention anything about The Cuntstitution. We’ll just say it’s illegal and against the rules of natural justice and pass the buck to the Government of Maha Rosemajib. Case closed. Nuff said!” pronounced Sheriff Alladdjin of the 40 Thieves triumphantly.

Peeponpeeponpeepon...019....

“My name is Bond, Merdeka Casino Royale Bond. Who is this peasant who dares call me in the middle of a phockey game?”

“It is us, The Five Vice Men. We have good news. We were able to recast the decision from the specific instance to the abstract concept, without impairing the conceptual integrity of ourselves or yourselves.

“Well done, gentlemen. In that case, roll the dice!” beamed an exultant Merdeka Casino Royale Bond.

donplaypuks® with my merdeka casino royale bond, man!

AN ACCIDENTAL INQUIRY INTO THE ACCIDENTAL SUICIDE DEATH OF A.COOGIE, AN ANARCHIST!

by sherlock poirot charlie chan dario FO, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for dick’s minds

The August Post Mortem Commission of the greatest detectives and medical minds in the World rose as one body to acclaim, applaud and congratulate the outstanding, sole and unchallenged winner of the ‘2009 Nobel Correct,Correct,Correct Prize’, I. American M.D.

The Commission, chaired by I. American M.D., had been ably assisted by Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot and Charlie Chan with watching briefs held by AG Ganesh Patel, I Raja Polis Big Moose, eleven I Polis Raja from Peace Hill Resort district and Kapak Singh MP for Altant.., opps sorry can't say that, I mean that Chinese Mongolian blackmailing bitch Aminah Baginda.

The Commission had just concluded its unanimous finding that the death of suspected but surely guilty one Anarchist A. Coogie was wholly, exclusively and necessarily due to a regrettable ACCIDENTAL SUICIDE and that it was a true and fair verdict. Coogie had been arrested as a suspected but surely guilty one Anarchist, Al Qaeda General and peddler of illegal DVD’s of the popular computer game ‘Grand Theft Auto.’

Coogie had been collared the previous month at the Klang Hitman Pasar Malam (Night Market) near the abandoned $30 million new Bus Station and taken to the Peace Hill Resort People Friendly Incarceration and Interrogation Tea Party Centre, for counselling and ‘friendly’ advice. At some point in time of a murky and hazy night, Coogie had, overcome by remorse and deep shame, suddenly cut loose from a ring of 11 interrogators and flung himself to death through the 3rd Floor window of the tea room.

The findings of the Commission are classified under the draconian OSIBISA – Official Secrets, Intelligence, Banking and Internal Security Act. However, donplaypuks® managed to obtain loose transcripts of the Commission of Inquiry’s proceedings from its garbage disposal can and after piecing them together, has decided to share these excerpts with the Public in the interest of justice, at the risk of being sub-judice and being invited via a Mareva Injunction to take a friendly tour of the picturesque Peace Hill Resort.
...........................
I.American M.D.

So, we can ignore the 2 PM’s?

11 I Polis Raja chorus

Absolutely! Ignore them! Don lah korek, korek, korek!

I Raja Polis

That’s right. Maha Firaun and Maharosemajib have nothing to do with it.

I American M.D.

Idiot! I meant the two Post Mortems, not Prime Ministers. The cause of death was Pulmonary Enema.

AG Ganesh Patel

You mean they beat the shit out of Coogie? That’s MURDER!!

Sherlock Holmes

I say old chap, what’s Pulmonary Enema? Watson?

Dr.Watson

Alimentary, my dear Holmes!

I.American M.D.

Imbeciles! I meant Pulmonary Edema exacerbated by Myocardial Infarction aggravated by acute malfunction of the Renal Sub-Filtrate System with possible contributory factors arising from External Blunt Force Trauma.

I Raja Polis/AG Ganesh Patel

We no spik German. Please translate to English.

Charlie Chan

Water accumulation in the lungs caused by failure of the kidneys and a swelling of the heart due to having the shit beaten out of him by a rubber truncheon, perhaps?

I.American M.D.

No! No! No! No rubber truncheons. It was suicide. He jumped of his own accord from the 3rd Floor window at Peace Hill Resort.

11 I Police Raja chorus

Fell of his own accord! Accidental Suicide!

AG Ganesh Patel

Even though he was handcuffed behind his back and there were 11 I Polis Raja with him at that time?

I.American M.D.

That’s right. He was apparently a sprinter of some renown having been trained by Olympic and World Champ, Usain Bolt.

Hercule Poirot

And managed to leap 15 feet high and slip through the iron bars of the window on the 3rd Floor, while handcuffed behind his back?

I.American M.D.

Sounds incredible, I confess. But you know these oily Indians from Klang. The ‘Orang Minyak’ (Oily Man) is a well known Gang of thieves. They are superbly fit and can slip through the eye of a needle.

Sherlock Holmes

But the PM does not state anything about broken bones, only numerous torture lacerations on the skin and blunt trauma marks.

I.American M.D.

You will recall that the body was compromised by members of Coogie’s family and two Members of Parliament when they barged into the morgue at the hospital. They fixed the bones, planted the scars and engineered gaping holes and bruises on the body.

11 I Police Raja chorus

They fixed it! Shame and Perfidy! Red Card, MP’s!

Dr. House

What about the 2nd Independent Post Mortem. The provisional cause of death (pending toxicology) was stated as due to acute renal failure due to Rhabdomyolysis?

I.American M.D.

I no spik Bangla!

Dr. Mark ‘Ace’ Kolmar

Breakdown of skeletal muscle tissue due to having the shit beaten out of him by blunt force trauma rubber truncheons, perhaps?

I.American M.D.

Well, these foreign doctors from Bangladesh and Burma. What can we say? It may be common in Dhaka, but not here in 1 Malaysia, 1 Nation, Just Do it. Kami Bolih!

11 I Polis Raja chorus

Common in Dhaka, Bangladesh. How sad!

Dr. Kildare

What did your inspection of Coogie’s body reveal?

I.American M.D.

No, no.There was no need. I just went through the files and photos of the 2 PM’s and expertly deduced from my armchair that there was no foul play whatsoever!

11 I Polis Raja chorus

Expertly deduced from his armchair. No foul play whatsoever. Nudge, Nudge! Wink, Wink!

Kapak Singh MP

Why did the kidneys, lungs and heart fail? Surely, the cause of death must be determined?

I.American M.D.

The cause of death was the heart stopped beating and the brain stoppe functioning. But of course we could not establish the heart had expanded. But this is normal in the case of Malaysian Indian 'Grand Theft Auto' suspects but surely guilty one !

Charlie Chan

Whoa, so congvingnience one, ah? Even if police bullet is found in body, you only conclude 'died from bleeding, heart stopped beating?'

Dr. Ben Casey

What was the clincher? I mean what was THE evidence that led you to your learned opinion?

I.American M.D.

The Suicide Note.

11 IPR chorus

Suicide Note? That’s rum!

Sherlock Holmes

He wrote a Suicide Note while fully handcuffed behind his back and in the presence of 11 I Polis Raja and they don’t know about it? Can I take a look at it?

I.American M.D.

Sorry, no can do. Barred by OSIBISA, I’m afraid. And sub-judice.

11 I Polis Raja chorus

Barred by OSIBISA, Whew!

I.American M.D.

But I can read excerpts from it. Here goes:
‘Yang benar Appa, Amma and Sujatha (my beloved mistress).. jika you receiving this letter you vill be knoving dat I yam kaput. But, I must telling the truth to the whole verld.......
I yam yaddicted to ‘Grand Theft Auto’ video game and yam on a mission to make yit a Glocal success selling yit in the Night Markets of the world............
11 I Polis Raja have nothing to do with beating the shit out of my body with blunt force trauma rubber truncheons leading to Pulmonary Enema exacerbated by Myocardial Infarction aggravated by acute malfunction of the Renal Sub-Filtrate System or Rhabdomyolysis Breakdown of skeletal muscle tissue, pending toxicology.....
I yam deeply ashamed by my yactions and have decided to yaccidentally kammit swiside!.There’s nothing more I can say........

11 I Polis Raja chorus

Yaccidentally kammit swiside! What more is there to say!

Sherlock Holmes

Brilliant I.American M.D. You have convinced us. A true Professional. It felt like, looked like and smelled like Murder or Beating the shit out of the body with blunt force trauma rubber truncheons. But I was so obviously wrong. You have covered up all the angles beautifully.

I.American M.D.

Yes, we have covered it all up exceedingly well, what Holmes!

11 I Polis Raja chorus, I Raja Polis and AG Ganesh Patel

Yes! Covered it all up exceedingly well! Correct, correct, correct. Hip, hip hooray to I.American M.D.!

donplaypuks® with my post mortems, man!!

DEATH BY KUMQUAT JUICE SQUEEZE!

by ben casey kildare house m.d., donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for coronary inquest affairs

I had all this money my father had collected over the years from ardent admirers and just plain bloody-minded altruists like telekoms and toll highway operators who kept making donations without him ever soliciting for it. Billions of it!!

So, I had to launder all this money through original and innovative businesses and Mother Teresa personal finance schemes. So, I opened an office and hired Kim Basinger as my secretary. Why Kim Basinger you ask, you peasant coolie busybody? Well, when opportunity and wherewithal meets drop-dead bod fantasy there is only one possible outcome. I hired her and boy, did I gamble right !!

Kim was the best office manager I ever had. In fact she was the only office manager I ever had with whom I had a thothally platonic friendship!

Then one day she wanted to buy a house. She wanted $ 1 million and suggested I consult my wife, her best friend with whom I had a very open, mature relationship. But I knew the old hag would not ever be interested in such mundane matters like loaning $1,000K without any reason to her best friend who was the only office manager I ever had. So, that’s how I gave $250K outright to the best and only office manager I ever had who tried to have me. I arranged a bank loan for the balance of $250K even though her credit rating was such that AIG and Citybank would have rejected her application !

Then somehow the staffs got to know about Kim buying a house and my super generous-to-a-fault soft nature. So, Simran, the best secretary I ever had asked for and got a $150K fully-serviceable personal loan for a car. And, Aishwaria the best two books book-keeper I ever had squeezed a $100K fully-accountable loan to settle her mother’s miscarriage medical bills. Ah yes, I must not forget Padmini the best tea lady I ever had and Sneha the best receptionist I ever had who wanted $50K after-office serviceable loans for airfares to Chennai to sort out family affairs.

Then there were all these general staffs. Trisha, Genelia, Illena, Anushka, Shriya, Kajol, Bhumika and Deepika. The best ever platonic general staffs I ever had. Some wanted fully-serviceable loans to buy cars, deposit for house, Deepavali shopping, hire studies, holiday to Bali and Kashmir and seminars to improve their intercourse, oratory, interpersonal and social skills.

Gosh, they did have great and very original needs for all kinds of serviceable loans. I must have been hit for a seven figure sum in total in fully-serviceable loans. Even Gemini, the best ever office and messenger boy I never had; even he whacked me for $50K to continue his further education and PhD thesis titled ‘Bollywood vs Hollywood.’ Many, even though they were not my staffs would beg me for fully serviceable study loans lah, car loans lah, car loan guarantees lah, housing loans lah, medical bills loans lah ad infinitum. I refused none and obliged all. That’s a legacy my father passed on to me!

But it’s strange that my wife stood guarantor for my chauffer Sivaji. Can’t fathom why she had a soft spot for him!

Just when I thought it was all over, Kim calls me one fine day about her gonad problem and severe ache. I mean what am I, her personal doctor? So, I tell Kim in jest to drink a glass of freshly squeezed ripe Kumquat fruit juice, C4 grade, (an ancient Indiana cure mentioned in the Upanishads, I lie to her) to ease the painful contractions and hang up in anger. I mean like she’d have Kumquat fruits just lying about in her fridge or growing in her backyard!

Fuck me if I wasn’t gobsmacked next when Kim’s brother calls me from New Zealand in panic and says she’s collapsed at home suspected of accidentally swallowing toxic Kumquat juice? I mean jeeze, what is the statistical probability? I rush over to Kim’s house, I mean jeeze I just happened to have the keys to her front door and bedroom and then got the driver to break all speed records to get her admitted to the emergency ward at the GH in Bangkok. Yeah, I know the local GH was just ten minutes away, but I didn’t want to take any chances and besides my machan who was a doctor there (and who has since left for private practice) could give Kim 100% attention.

But it was sad, very sad. I shed a million tears. When I got to the Bangkok GH, Kim had departed to the next world. I mean there she was curled up in a foetal position looking so beautiful and dead! It took me weeks to recover, though for the life of me I could not grasp why she was in the MATERNITY WARD. Then I heard one of Kim’s relatives, a 3rd or 4th cousin once or twice removed I don’t know, instructing the doctors, as is the norm in our country, not to perform any autopsy or post mortem so as not to violate the sanctity of her body and innocence. Now the body has been cremated and we cannot confirm that Kim died of ‘gonadial post-coital premature water bag bursitis induced by poisonously squeezed Kumquat Juice (C4 grade) imbibation.’

Why, what should I do with my life now? There seems no reason to go on. Kim is dead, the body is missing, witnesses have disappeared, the police have no evidence, no motive can be established for any foul play and the bottle of Kumquat Juice (C4 grade) cannot be located!

Wait, there is a higher, noble cause I could aspire to. I know, I’ll enter politics and maybe Pakatan will offer me the post of Ambassador to Mongolia. Gosh, I've got it! Let me go for Gold. I'll try to become the next Prime Minister!

Daddy, Zaid, you think HRH will object?

donplaypuks® with poisonously squeezed kumquat juice, man!

RAINTREE SENTENCED TO HANGING BY TRAINEE JUDGE

by arnaud dubus du da colon, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for Berak State of affairs












In yet another twist to the excrement that will not be flushed away in Berak State, trainee judge Dato Sir Yang Arif Nomore Usman Shanks (ANUS) announced a decision that caused severe diahoerria in the legal world and beyond.

ANUS, a graduate of the (in)famous Masjid India Holburnemholeindapocket Law College and a former salaried sleeping partner at legal firm Messrs. Sue, Grabbit & Run, speaking in a cell phone interview with ace hack Rockyhorrorbrewshow of the New State Parsley Sage Rosemary Thighmes Newspaper while performing number 2 bodily function seated on his Throne, confirmed that,

“...In accordance with the various provisions of the State Penile & Anile Codes, the World infamous Berak State Raintree shall be taken by its nether roots, hung by its tallest branch until it breathes no more and then put to fire, the ashes to be thrown into the sea as just and fair punishment for unauthorised provision of shady assistance to illegal assemblers, being an accessory before, during and after the fact and aiding and abetting in the public discharge of anti-Government and anti-Royal sentiments against the order of Nature.”

Yang ANUS confirmed that he had arrived at his historic unprecedented decision in his chamber pot after hearing trickling and steamy convoluted groaning arguments on Constipational issues from lawyers representing the legal Berak Chief Speaker, Chief Got Cojones and the illegal Berak Chief Minister, Chief Defecating Bull & Blood, Phd.

Yang ANUS broke new wind over grounds that regardless of long-standing provisions in the Federal Constipational Laws, Chief Got Cojones could neither represent himself nor engage any lawyer other than Chief Shaman Uranus, Berak State’s Chief Legal Orificer, to defend him in court. Chief Got Cojones had allegedly convened an illegal and Unconstipational Shitting of the Berak State Pow Wow session under the shade of the said Raintree in question, caveat emptor and e & eo excepted!

Yang ANUS was adamant that there were no provisions in Berak State’s Conspitation for a public Standing Pow Wow of the Chiefs or Piss Pipe Smoking. He was further incensed that Chief Got Cojones and his Braves had obstinately refused to hire Tepee-style Tents for $ 6 million Ringgit from the authorities to hold their meeting in, but had instead conducted a shitting of the Berak State Assembly while standing up beneath the boughs of the said Raintree in question, caveat emptor, e & eo excepted!

Yang ANUS was reportedly peeved and pissed off at having to spend a disproportionate length of time dealing with Chief Got Cojones when he had pileing up in his chamber pot deposits of ‘more important’ case files of public concern.

Meanwhile, Berak State Chief of I Polis Raja, Chief Geronimonomoremoney admitted that he had erred in supporting the Chief Secretary of Berak State Assembly in locking up the Assembly Hall thus preventing Chief Cojones and his Braves from conducting their open meeting behind closed doors.

“All our men, including myself, had early morning pressing issues and we were bogged down by orders from our superiors in Peace Hill Resort to flush these shysters, very red Indians and Zionist conspirators out in the open. We can honestly say that we kept the piece as is our sworn duty.”

Elsewhere, Chief Got Cojones in confirming he would be appealing against the ruling by Yang Anus, confirmed,

“We have retained Tom Hagen, one-time Attorney at Law for Puzo, Corleone, Santino, Michael, Fredo, Luca, Clemenza, Solozzo, Connie, Mario & Luigi, specialist in family protection, offer and honour, horse heads, cosa nostra, Las Vegas, machoness, mano a mano, and sleeping wit da fish to represent us. We shall be filing our appeal to the Federal Court of Constipation.

We understand that a panel of 3 senior judges headed by Yang Arif Wan Hung Lo (whose descending judgement in the strained dispute case of Hernia vs Piles is a legal classic) will be hearing our appeal. We are confident that our Law Lords will see through the single-ply thin tissue of lies that have been used to prevent me from exercising my rights as Chief Got Cojones of Berak State.”

However, the illegal Berak Chief Minister, Chief Defecating Bull & Blood, Phd, maintained that,
“This is all nonsense. HRH has sac Chief Got Cojones and his boss from da Berak State and I have been legally appointed Chief of Berak State. Why, I have retained Messrs. Basset,Hound,Chase,Mount,Shaft & Whackdemallalotmore to defend me against these imposters and pretenders. The indigestion they are going to be hit with will make the Kerala and Madras runs seem like a mild case of mamak mee goreng food poisoning!”

In BREAKING NEWS at the capital, outgoing sleeping flip-flop PM Rip Van Winkle was categorically reported as saying,

“There is no rumour to the truth that my running into at a Prophet Mohamad Birthday bash, bro Sir Abim Obasama, the de facto leader of the opposition, was a planned affair.

Nor did we discuss sacking the PM designate Rosemajib in view of fresh allegations about the Mongolian Ambassador case in the French newspaper ‘Liberation’ or the Constipation fiasco in Berak State where trainee judges have refused to consult senior federal judges and made Unconstipational decisions.

Nor about calling for fresh elections in Berak State as it is patently obvious to a new-born baby that’s HRH’s illegal Berak Chief Minister, Chief Defecating Bull & Blood, Phd does not command the respect or support of the majority of the PEOPLE of Berak State. Though, yes, I do agree it is a shitty state of affairs!

No, he talked about it while I listened and enjoyed the goat cojones rendang and other rare delicacies!

Nor is there is any rumour to the truth that I am a PAS supporter in sheep’s clothings just because my paternal grandfather from the Middle East was the founder of PAS!”

donplaypuks® with my Federal Constipation, man!!

SATAN USA CAN? WE CAN, THREE!!

by showmedamoney ramani, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for recessi and depressi affairs













In the month that was, good ‘ol US of A rabid sub-prime capitalism brought itself to its knees in ways that clearly proved that there is one rule for the elite, well-connected croney (fake) capitalist and his million $ bonus (each) earning management team and another for pesky main street wage earners who perenially dare to moan about their 3% annual wage rise and 1-2 month’s pro-rated bonus.

Amazingly, there is yet another rule for the auto industry which had the temerity to beg for a mere $34 million bailout. Stupid gits!! They should have come out with guns blazing with a demand, not a mere piddly, piffling $34 billion begging bowl, for a $1 TRILLION rescue package OR ELSE!! That would have got Secretary of Treasury Henry Poultry and Fed Chairman Ben Bananacakes running around like chickens with their heads cut off and forced Congress, admittedly at the point of gun-barrel diplomacy, to apply the same degree of (utter lack of) transparency, fair rules and standards in shovelling out largesse faster than you can say CRONEY BAILOUT. With funds extorted and misappropriated from the already bleeding Taxpayer, under the Troubled Assets Relief Program (TARP).

However, the auto czars did not have to throw even a rubber sole, let alone a whole camel leather Arab shoe, for Bush to leap to their rescue. After all, he was only pre-empting Obama!

TARP? American have not only a filthy secret desire and national agenda to murder Queen’s English but to also conquer Afghanistan, Iraq, N.Korea and the rest of the world too, with misspelt words like ‘Program’ and ‘Color’ while creating WMD’s (Words of Mass Destruction) with verbicised obscenities such as ‘Helming’ and 'Tasked.' This American national past-time is championed too by Microsoft which has as one of its principle aims the universal proliferation of stress, by forcing you to check/uncheck English (US) and English (UK) in its Word Spell-Check and Language Tool !!

This penchant is frequently compounded with creating American-speak like ‘Troubled Assets Relief Program’ when what they really mean is ‘Taxpayer Bailout Shit’. You ever wonder why they say ‘gas’ for ‘petrol’ and ‘check’ for ‘bill’ and then why there has been a 2000% increase over the last ten years in incidences of people, especially the young, suffering from gastritis, gall stones and kidney stones across the world? You think it’s mere coincidence? Believe me, in the end, our civilization will collapse from this dual-mode UK and US English and not financial mismanagement!!

Note too that this is an endemic disease that afflicts all countries with a British colonial past. The Aussie penchant for mouthing an 'o’ where none exists as in ‘loike’ or that universally condemned greeting of ‘g’die mite’ is a form of cancer. Of course the ‘recalcitrant’ Mahathir could not resist taunting Downunder denizens with ‘the rine in Spine fawlls minely on the pline’! In Bolehland we steal without conscience and conjure up ‘visi’, ‘misi’ and ‘sessi’. Reliably informed sources have leaked to donplaypuks® that Dewan Bahasa & Pustaka is writhing in agony over whether it should add ‘fisi’ ( fission) to the looted local vocabulary in the wake of Tenaga Nasional Berhad’s mulling over whether it should go nuclear.

But the icing on the cake that demonstrated the complete collapse of Pax Capitalism is the $50 billion Boinie Madhoff (you want I should tell you he is Kosher) fraud bonfire of the vanities, which has not only seen 1 suicide as of today, but a willingness by the Fed to rescue troubled Hedge Funds. Yes, Hedge Funds. The same vermin who have been thwarting all attempts by the SC to register and regulate them. Yes, Hedge Funds. The same low-life who in the first place are partly, if not substantially, culpable for the farming out of toxic sub-prime mortgages tarted up as sound risk-free investments and for wanton speculation on anything from oil to metals to currencies to soya beans and pork futures!

Here is a failure not merely of business or enterprise. It is a failure that is so common that it’s amazing the Americans cannot (or is it will not) see it. It’s the same reason why Juande Ramos was sacked as Manager of Tottenham Hotspurs recently. It’s the same reason why those managing the Football, Hockey and Athletics Associations locally should all be booted out of their jobs lock, stock and barrel. A UNIVERSAL FAILURE OF LEADERSHIP AND MANAGEMENT AT THE TOP!

If only it stopped there. But no. It would appear that the fraudtrepreneurs in Bolehland, having seen the writing on the wall, have upped the ante, and are attemting to loot as much as possible before there is no more money or wealth left to squeeze out of the much molested and raped economy.

Make no mistake. The brazen attempt to ‘privatise’ by directly negotiated non-tendered out contract the National Heart Centre which sits on prime land a stone’s throw from the city centre. That suspicious $1.7 billion cash purchase of a loss making airport at inflated land price to thwart any attempt by the SC to scrutinise land valuation in a related party transaction, and the breathtaking proposal by that same party to sell back to Tenaga Nasional Bhd an unwanted excess capacity IPP at a whacking profit of billions. That $4.2 billion cover-up and further pouring of money into a bottomless hole at Free Trade Zone. That proposal to build a new Low Cost Carrier Terminal for $ 3 billion to mask development of otherwise ‘dead’ land when there is huge under utilised capacity at KLIA. And the purchase of Sukhoi Jets and Scorpene Submarines for $9 billion and the ‘postponed’ $1.6 billion purchase of Eurocopters fitted with never-to-be-used laser guided weapons systems and 34 other helicopters for the police force costing billions more.

These are all signs of management gone haywire and not lifting a finger to stanch the frittering away of scarce economic resources. Signs of conscienceless Management with a thieving and looting business mentality. The vultures who have long been profiting from weak SC’s all over the world, are now openly rifling through the pockets of the sickly carcass. What more can we say of a $70 million proposal from the Ministry of MsEntrepreneurship to send jobless graduates (presumably those from 1 Race) to special English (Manglish) Language courses to enhance their employment prospects? It’s game over, folks!

Our local Bourse too, like its counterparts in this region – New York, London, Paris, Munich, Tokyo and Sydney – has been, to put it mildly, sleeping on its watch. Not much more could have been expected with its incestuous listing on its own Stock Exchange! Thus the national car company could get away with camouflaging operating losses by including non-trading Government Grant as trading income while elegant silence was maintained when a major Telco reaped hundreds of millions of $ in additional profit from private placement of shares with indecent haste almost immediately after taking the company private.

Neither the economy of the USA nor of the Globe is going to recover from trillion dollar bailouts aimed at enticing the masses to once gain indulge in conspicuous corpulent consumption of gadgets and gizmos with built-in obsolescence or a philosophy of spending based on keeping an eye on the Jones’ while loading up on Debt like there’s no tomorrow. Whichever route Henry Poultry and Bananacakes take, they are going to lay a big fat egg because they have not understood what Keynes meant by Consumption. Modern economists and their Nobel Prize winning Gurus therefore speak Tower of Bablesque Jive Voodoo Economics – possible recession, depression, economic nuclear winter, inflation, deflation, stagflation, and God Almighty, now just WTF is Stag Deflation??!!

And this magic beans policy of cutting interest rates to zero? It too will not work. This is what Japan has been doing for more than a decade with no tangible signs of a real recovery. Why? Because the banks and financial institutions have not been publicly brought to book for their fraud, basic dishonesty and profligacy. The Wall St crooks and their ilk-thieves have factored into their business models that when push comes to shove, their friends in high places will shovel them out with TARP Taxpayer Bailout Shit. With such a licence at their disposal, anyone would GO FOR DA MONEY and not blink an eyelid when they screw old ladies out of their retirement home savings funds or factory workers out of their healthcare, pension and childrens' education funding plans.

As for Big Brother, the SC, ours is in the same somnaubulistic good company with those in this region – New York, London, Paris, Munich, Tokyo and Sydney. Self-regulation can no longer work as individial and collective greed has breached tsunami levels.

And if superpowers and past colonial masters should screw up their and the Global economy (and English Language) big time, why, we should outdo them THRICE over. We clearly have the capability, intent and pre-requisite overflowing greed to go with it!!

donplaypuks® with the future of the World, man!!

TOWERING GLOCAL MANGLISH

by, nimrod manglish, donplaypuks® intlepid collesponden for national ranguage affairs.















‘I seck enuff is enuff leh. We plefer tich Signs and Mads in mudder tongue in Vernacular School. We objek to tich Signs and Mads in Engrish. We propo the honoulable Master Planner of the Realm for Ejukashen stick to the Congstituishen and lespect honoulable parents’ wish for their chewdrens to be ejucate forrow their wish. We have no ploblem compulsory tich Signs and Mads in Bahasa Marasia or Engrish in Govermen or Plivate School. But in Chinese Vernacular School, we ingsist tich in mudder tongue, Mandalin. You ungderstang or not ah!’

So protested a very voluble, disturbed, furious and red-faced Running Dog Mao En Lai, Chairman of Long Dong Zonked Charsiu Pau Chinese Education Association.

‘Our cowture and ranguage is most impoten to us. Dis experimen ah, conpulsory to tich Signs & Mads in Engrish in Govt and Vernacular Schools, is vely, vely big fairure. It’s all the faurt of former Chief Master Planner of the Realm, Rama Maha Firaun The First who force us to chain to Engrish.

Now orr our chewdrens spik half pass sick Engrish, half-pass sick or no Chinese, half pass sick or no Tamil and half-pass sick or no Bahasa Malaysia. Our chewdren oso don appleciate our ancient Chinese cowture anymore. Orr interested ony in computer game, MTV, unlear learity show, disco, lap, shopping and lepak (hanging out) in shopping mawr. They don even watch Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan kung-fu movies nowaday. Ony watch Amelican Idor or Heloes mah!

Niamah!! We now plan big, vely big public plotes against Govermen if they don chain the system. Of courr, pissful plotes. But we not aflaid the mata mata (police), water cannon, pepper water or tear gas loh.

Meanwhile, Miki Moto Mukh San, newly elected MP and son of Rama Maha Firaun The First, filed a $100 million defamation lawsuit against leading newspapers in Kuala Lumpur High Court, including Buntutsan Toilet Newspaper, for publishing remarks apparently attributed to him for his stance on the Vernacular School system.

‘Konnichiwa. I regret that my proposal to have a single type of integrated national school system has been deliberately misquoted and quoted out of context by Zionist and United States of America Shaitan controlled news agencies and press, including I am surprised to note, The New State Parsley Sage Rosemary Thighmes Newspaper.

I did not say that Vernacular Schools will have to be closed down or abolished. Only that they will all have to follow a single system of teaching all subjects including English, in Bahasa Melayu. Like Singapore, we should stop all Government Per Capita and Development Grants to Vernacular Schools which elect not to integrate. With this policy, like the dinosaur, these Vernacular Schools will eventually extinctcise out.

Why, when I encountered having to study in Bahasa Malaysia, my honourable papa san packed me off to Japan and Shaitan United States of America. Arigato and Sayonara. Ai shiteru!’

Master Planner of The Realm for Lower, Middle, Higher and any other form @MsEducation.gov.con, Kerismuddin Onn The Wagon, when asked to comment on the Long Dong Zonked Charsiu Pau Chinese Education Association’s proposal, stressed vehemently that it was a ‘definite maybe’ that a dual system of education would be maintained.

‘It’s awfleh difficult what, to fathom what these blighter immigrants desire. Good Lord, why, when I encountered our superb national education system, my papa packed me off to Alice Smith’s in KL and then to London and Wales. Sure, it cost a small fortune, but it was worth every penny, millions of it, wot!

It was Rama Maha Firaun The First who changed the medium of instruction for Science and Maths to English some years ago to improve our students’ command of English. We all agreed it was a good move and swung into action with lightning speed. We inducted thousands of teachers with little or no command of English whatsoever into special English Language Teaching Training Courses. They all graduated brilliantly with honours and Phd’s in English, in five months!! Malaysia Boleh! (Malaysia Can!!). How extraordinary, dent you think, Jeeves?

Now, when we are near reaping the rich rewards of this switch to English, these Communists want to take a retrograde step. Hah, you think we with the culture of brandishing the Keris menacingly in public and the concept of Ketuanan Melayu (Malay Supremacy) firmly in place, are afraid of a few Communists manipulated by Western agitators? You think we are afraid of threats of public protests and demonstrations?

The last time these subversive urban terrorist elements tried this kind of cheap stunts, in 1987, Maha Firaun locked up 106 of them under the ISA (Internal Security Act). We will not hesitate to take strong action again these racists and demagogues.’

Responding to calls for clarification from the Indian community, Pallikuda Lingam, Chairman of Indraf (Indian Rights Action Force) Sangam, speaking from Chennai in India said,

‘Something firrm must be done about our Yeducation System. Ve see that our Universities are not featuring yin the top 200 yin the verld. Few of our children speak their mother tongue. Their command of Bahasa Malaysia yis wonly passable, while almost without yexception, most Malaysians nowadays yave an yinstinctive, brilliant command of ungrammatical yinventive Manglish.

Yin fact, many students yave a betterr command of Yinglish than their teachers. Believe me, that yis as pathetic as ve can get!! I yam proposing we yave one yintegrated schooling system with Bahasa Malaysia as the main language of instruction with Yinglish Language and grammar compulsory from Stanadard 1. Mother tongue and cultural concerns can be protected vith the re-yintroduction of Peoples’ Own Language yin wall schools. The teaching of Science and Maths yin Yinglish can be made compulsory when students commence O Levels.

More than that, the Ministry must revamp the the yentire yeducation system by yaddressing yimportant issues such as wall-graduate yentry level and training of teachers, a more yequitable mix of teachers and male:female teacher ratios and compulsory wall-round yeducation.

Yin the final yanalysis, if ve yembrace the principle of MERITOCRACY, ve cannot, shall not be failing !!’

donplaypuks® with my education, man!

LANDSLIDE VICTORY!!

by edmund everest hillary clinton, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for mountainous landslide victory affairs



Leading analysts and anonymous expert spokesmen have confirmed landslide victory at the International Hill constituency by-election which was precipitated by the sudden demise of the incumbent MP from a heart attack.

Maha Kinabalu (MK), political analyst for the New State Parsley Sage Rosemary Thighmes newspaper wrote today that if events that occurred in 1993 at nearby Menara Tanah Tinggi (MTT) constituency are anything to go by, this landslide victory of tsunamic proportions will be just another passing phase in local politics and social development.

MK noted that in the historic 1993 event at MTT, the fulcrum of social development had been reduced to bricks, rubble, dust and ashes by the riotous actions of greedy maverick groups with vested selfish interests. Ill-supervised and unauthorised, ambitious exploratory new age revolutionary edification by these mavericks at an adjacent constituency had undermined the very foundations of democracy and life as we knew it at MTT. But, the nation had lurched forward as though nothing had happened!

MK had lamented that the architects of these modern social edification concepts, their half-(assed) qualified assistants and Havoxbridge Con-sultants had all (illegall) put their John Hancocks on the Master Plans for MTT. When taken to court however, they had all been absolved of any culpability for the disaster, riots and loss of lives. Even the Local Authority and Erection Commission which had approved the gathering and activities of these maverick groups were declared to be ‘above the law’ by virtue of previously unknown provisions in the Federal Constitution.

His Lordship, the Right Honourable Justice Shariah R Ustads Khan, had concluded that the incident was due to an act of retribution by the one true God against pagan gods whom many had falsely worshipped. Khan had acutely observed that the landslide result could not be reversed. That this had led to the completely justified ban against Yoga, Yogis and Yogurt which did not fit in with the social fabric of a nation that would not allow the creeping, insidious 3Y (Yoni) philosophy subtly perpetuated and dangerously promoted by hitherto unidentified cabals of Indian and Hindu fundamentalists.

Master Planner of the Realm for Debates and Msinformation@gov.con, Shabby Cheeky Crack, had also chipped in with the highly useful, intelligent and penetrating observation that voters were the most to be blamed for the landslide victory. Shabby referred to microscopically printed ‘terms and conditions apply’ and ‘caveat emptor’ clauses which the voters should have negotiated on with the various candidates and their philosophies before buying and signing up for their tall stories.


Meanwhile many, rendered homeless by the landmark landslide and the resulting riots, questioned the lack of sympathy and support from ‘the powers that be.’ Master Planner of the Realm for Roofless Homes, Bongkak Tink Notink, conspicuous by his absence, lack of comments and apparent concern, was traced to Sichuan in PRC. He had departed a week earlier helming a small contingent of 2000 officials, engineers, architects and civil servants (wives and bit on the side included) to study revolutionary construction techniques for buildings and schools without foundation on steep hillside slopes.

En route, the contingent had of course had a week’s stop-over at the slippery, body-sliding slopes of Geneva, Switzerland and Pat Phong in Bangkok. Bongkak Tink Notink was quoted as saying “There is no rumour to the truth” in dismissed public concerns that this was yet another ‘research cum study’ overseas holiday junket at the taxpayers’ expense.

Former Chief Master Planner for Sellout All State, Fujimori Toyota, denied any responsibility for the landslide victory. Speaking from Pendatang in Sumatra, he said, ‘No, the state now under rule of Opposition sin Mach 2008. So, even though we in chag for 50 years before, that’s not means our faults. Even the 1993 MTT disaster. They are not our faults. Likes Dr.M and the Buntutsan Toilet Newspaper say, mebbe it a Zionist or Amerika Sharikat Shaitan komplot!’

However, Master Sith Jedi Planner of the Realm, Rip Van Winkle, chirpily announced today from house nos. 44-66A, Mosman Bay, Perth, Australia that the Govt would make available US$700 billion aid in the form of Funds Appropriated for Relief of Troubles (FART) to those affected by landslide victory as well as banks, financial institutions and the auto industry if they were unfairly and adversely affected by the US Satan Capitalist Sub-Prime and Finance Conspiracy. Applicants were requested to forward their requests in a brown envelope with an SAE to Master Planner of the Realm for Finance, Mamak Robokop Forexloosecannon.

Meanwhile at the MoF, Mamak Robokop Forexloosecannon, when posed the question as to where US700 billion would come from when the national reserves stood at US 100 million was quoted as saying “My lips are sealed by the Official Secrets Act (OSA). But, I can confirm that we will be the only nation in the world which will not slip into a recession or depression. I grantee this. For your immediate needs, I have $36 billion forex funds available at various Mamak Havala System Money Changer outlets. You call, we transfer out!! Call 1800-622-632-1400-1957-1969-2008 NOW!!”

Speaking from somewhere in Uzbekistan, Master Sith Jedi Planner of the Realm Elect and Ambassador to Mongolia, General Rosemajibbed, was quoted as saying that he was not inclined to worry about minor issues such as landslide victory as “My administration is on top of it. V have Suckhoi Jets, Scorpenis Subs, C4 explosives and Baginda Altantuya is free. Then, we are still vying for Euro Cocker-Mamie 725 Helicopters costing $1.64b rounded down to $2.3 billion. What more can we ask for? We are a truly blessed nation. God is great!!”

donplaypuks® with my landslide, man!

SURGEON-GENERAL BANS YOGURT!!

by ski dannon, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for yogurt and milky way affairs

Master Sith Jedi Surgeon-General of The Realm, Everette Smiles American (ESM), in response to a complaint lodged several months ago by the Fat Watchers Association (FATWHA) of the Realm, issued a nationwide edict banning the sale and/or consumption of all natural, frozen and fruit-flavoured Yogurt and related products. The Yogurt ban also specifically referred to the Yogi Bear Brand with its Swastik #1 logo and its range of Yogurt products originating from the Himalaya Mountain region in India.

ESM while conceding that claims of illegal Melamine additives to Yogurt were baseless, confirmed that considerations for the ban on Yogurt extended beyond health and excessive fat content issues investigated jointly by the Department of Senior Surgeons (DOSS), the Department of Dairy Products and Lactic Acid and I Police Raja Special Branch.

ESM confirmed that the Special Branch had been tipped off by ‘parties with vested but altruistic interest’ about a ‘possible subtle international conspiracy’ by the Indian and Hindu Diaspora to subvert other religions by promoting the culture of consumption of Yogurt, universally. ESM revealed that Yogurt, prepared by adding an appropriate pinch of sour butter milk to boiled natural milk and allowing the mixture to curdle, was known to the Arya Hindus possibly, ten thousand year ago. The Arya Hindus embraced the God Shiva, whose vehicle was Nandhi, the white bull, and supplemented their totally Vegan diet with Yogurt, for fat.

Quoting ‘unnamed and regional expert’ sources whose identities could not be revealed due to Internal Security Act (ISA) and Official Secrets Act (OSA) considerations, ESM revealed that dark elements of pagan rituals, mysticism, breathing techniques and exercises were woven into the ancient formulae concocted by these Arya Hindus; that it is entirely possible that unsuspecting weak-willed innocents may be diverted from their one true faith by consuming these imported natural milk based and cultured products. 'Jais call us on toll-free number 1800-622-632-1400 if anyone has any doubts on what appropriate food is fit for consumption so as not to compromise one's religious faith' appealed Surgeon-General.

Meanwhile, Shiva Lingam, President of ‘Yogurts R Us Sangam, scoffed at the ‘Yogurt conspiracy theory’ and ban edict issued by EMS. Lingam, pleading for calm, sanity and common sense to prevail, requested that in future such edicts be not issued without prior consultation with all stake-holders.

However, Rocky Horrorshow, Editor-elect of the New State Parsley Sage RosemaryThighmes Newspaper accused Shiva Lingam and his Sangam of being 2nd class immigrants who had no right to interfere in the dietary, health, religious and political affairs of the Realm, and of questioning eternally unquestionable provisions in the Constitution and of being rabble-rousers.

“After all, when you banned beef consumption all those long nights ago when you made a tryst with density, did you consult the beef-eaters or show concern or consideration for their feelings and rights?” raged Rocky.

In a shocking broadside to ESM and his edict, Master Sith Jedi Planner of the Realm, Rip Van Winkle, announced today from house nos. 44- 66A, Mosman Bay, Perth, Australia that it was all right to consume Yogurt provided one did not swallow, inhale, move or breathe.

In yet another stinging rebuke to the Surgeon-General, two of the directors of the Board of Cultured 10 cm Rulers lamented that the Surgeon General was by law required to brief and seek the consent of the Board before announcing any edicts affecting cultured products.

The Board of 10 cm Rulers also expressed their regret that before Rama Maha Firaun 1 interfered in the 90’s with their duties and powers and unilaterally consented to the new-fangled Systeme International, they had complete immunity and unfettered powers as the Board of Cultured 12 Inch Rulers, which they would use sensibly to whack recalcitrants with. And that sometimes, so as not to put too fine a point on it, they would use golf clubs and hockey sticks to get their point across!!

donplaypuks® with my cultured products, man!!

#1 the Indian Swastik is the original. The Germans copied it and the reverse Swastika became the symbol of the Nazis!!

MAHATHIR WAS 100% RIGHT!! GREENSCAM, BANANACAKE & CAMDESSUS WERE 100% WRONG!!

MAHATHIR WAS 100% RIGHT. ALL YOU OTHER BASTARDS, THE ECONOMIST, WESTERN ECONOMISTS, THE IMF, WORLD BANK AND CABAL OF GORDON GEKKOS WERE WRONG! APOLOGISE NOW AND BEG FOR FORGIVENESS!!

by keynes them all, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for world economic affairs













I was going to let it pass.

Right up to that millisecond after that master of convoluted incomprehensible English, Alan Greenscam, looked at the camera, blinked, and mumbled ‘I did not see it coming!’ I was stunned! For once, he was incomprehensibly, comprehensible!

It then struck me like a tsunami that all these bandicoots – Greenscam, Ben Bananacake, Paulsaulson in Wolf’s Clothings, Burning Bush, Goofy Blair, Warrenrabbit Phoebe (with apologies to ‘Friends’) Buffet, Gordonsgin Brown – and their counterparts in Europe, HK, China, India, Japan and Australia did not have a clue. For over 20 years they have been absolutely wrong. Do not forgive them Father for they ought to have known they were pathetically WRONG. They were GROSSLY overpaid not to have slept on their watch!!

Collectively they were responsible for perpetuating the greatest scam in the history of the World. Collectively they were GROSSLY NEGLIGENT and guilty of concocting America’s greatest export and business philosophy of the last 20 years, that:

‘Greed is Good, Unmitigated Greed, even better! And Unmitigated, Undiluted and Unvarnished Greed is BEST!! And if we can parcel it all and sucker it through WTO manipulation to the rest of the world, that is the icing on the cake. And if you can still keep your head and wits about you while others drop about you like bees in a smokehouse, why, my son, the scorched Earth is all yours, BUDDY!’

And they all bought it. Japan, because it is sorry for WWII, but ‘Roose face if aporogise.’ Germany because of WWI & WWII, but it is still not sorry for the Holocaust, ya wohl mein herr, Seig Heil! The Chinese because they secretly all want to be regarded as White Americans. The Indians because they all secretly want to follow China. The Honkies because they all have three jobs and secretly have no individual or collective conscience anymore. And the Singaporeans because they all secretly want to be White anyone. There, have I left out anyone in my racist tirade? Forgive me my anger because I failed to park a humongous financial loss on any bank or financial institution. I shall go to my grave with the regret of this oversight foremost on my mind.

From the South Sea Bubble episode of the 18th century, through the 1929 Wall St. Crash, October 1987 Black Monday, 1997 Asia Currency Crises, massive frauds at Barings Bank, Bank Bumi, Bank Nat Paris, Enron, Global Crossings, Tyco and especially the rape of America and UK by its CEO’s, major shareholders and top management, some facts are palpably clear. That the inalienable right to pursuit of happiness has been interpreted to mean the inalienable right to accumulate Midas and Croesus-like wealth at the expense of anybody, including one’s mother. And when in trouble, the rich and well-connected are entitled to en masse embrace ‘dole’ socialism, nay, communism, and call for the State to bail them out OR ELSE……!

Which means you, me, the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker are the one’s who will really have to cough up and forgo our measly budget LCC airlines propelled annual week’s holiday or our children’s overseas education savings, so that America can continue funding the search for WMD’s in Iran and Afghanistan.

All the Citibanks, Wachovias, Merril Lynchs, Morgan Stanleys, Goldman Sachs, Lehman’s et al have to bleat is that ‘This is Armageddon. We cannot let the banks sink (or else we will also sink)’ or ‘The CONTAGION will sink EVERYBODY’ for their buddies in the Treasury to echo the same words and swing into action with $700 billion of money that does not exist and will be created by the simple expediency of marshalling the printing presses into overtime.

Has anyone thought of the consequences of printing so much money which is not backed by real assets and wealth. Don’t worry about that buddy, let the Chinese and Indians figure that out for theirs is the future and the truly fucked shall inherit the barren Earth. Welcome to the virtual world of the Matrix where money can be created by hey presto and abracadabra.

So, here’s my dime’s worth of advice of how to put the World’s Financial System in order.

1. Ban all Speculative Trading in Oil, Commodities and Currencies and their Futures. Only producers and exporters of goods, services and commodities shall be allowed to forward sell to genuine buyers who will take physical delivery.

Thus a day trader sitting in a coconut shell in Langkawi will not be able to speculate in soya beans futures while hedging potential losses by a $:Yen interest-rate swap derivative secured by AIG insurance quoted on the Humbug Index which in turn is tied to the toxic sub-prime mortgage 2000% per annum ROI (whatever that means) and guaranteed by Developmentnomore Offshore Bank of Panama, which all vanished in a puff of smoke in September 2008!!

Remember, currency is not a commodity to be traded as recently demonstrated by Zimbabwe and its trillion $ note!

2. Ban all naked and other short selling on any Stock Exchange. The underlying principle shall be that one must have paid in money for shares or commodities etc and owned them legally before one call sell. Lending of share scripts should be totally banned.

3. Ban all contra share trading. The stock markets are meant for long-term investors. Those interested in making quick gains can buy lottery tickets, head for the casinos, bet on the EPL or whatever one fancies. Thus you have to pay for and own a share before you can sell it, period. Sure, the share market will be boring. But, boring and steady growth are infinitely better than bankruptcy, suicide and 300,000 Icelanders waking up one morning and suddenly finding themselves jobless while the Irish and British simultaneously wake up and find they have been sodomised from afar by Icelanders!

4. Proposals for all new financial instruments shall be reviewed by a specialist independent think-tank co-opted into the relevant Securities Exchanges. If it looks like or smells like a junk bond or artificial derivative, it shall not see the light of day. 50% of any such approved instrument shall be subscribed for in cash and held until redemption without further disposal or packaging (toxic masking and tarting up) by the lead underwriter, merchant and other banks involved.

The acid test for the approval of such a financial instrument shall be whether your granny or Aunty May or Petunia is able to understand what it is, how it works and what its downside risks are.

5. Share, Property & Investment Margin Financing should at all times be restricted to equity:debt of 2:1 i.e. for every $1 of cash you have, the bank will lend you no more than 50 cents. Banks shall also not extend further margin should the market value of investments appreciate since we must adhere to the principle that investment is for the long-term and not allow for the double-whammy casino mentality to get even a toe-hold.

6. All professionals who support a prospectus for sale of shares, securities, investments etc must be made financially liable for any opinion they express in support of such sales, secured by an appropriate deposit in cash, irrevocable bank guarantee or LC.

7. No lending shall be approved by any bank or financial institution unless a thorough independent credit check and rating has been carried out by the lender who shall be liable for any negligence. Lenders shall establishing the maximum any individual or company can borrow on a global basis by setting up a linked Credit Rating Agency. This will go a long way towards preventing companies like GE hocking all their cashflow and being unable to pay staff salaries and basic overheads when pork futures go belly-up in Beijing.

8. Appointment of internal and external auditors and independent directors of public and listed companies shall fall under the purview of a Govt-established body. If the Boards, Chairmen and CEO’s do not co-operate, the Govt shall be empowered to sack them and close the company down.

Self regulation is a joke and has long been a ticket for conscienceless ‘captains of industry’ to write their own paycheck at the expense of minority shareholders and the Govt. Similarly, the functioning of the regulatory bodies for Accountants, Lawyers & Solicitors, Doctors etc shall all be taken out of the hands of accountants, lawyers and doctors and be placed in the hands of the Government. That’s what Governing means, not outsourcing the security of chicken farms to the foxes!

9. The huge hundred million $ bonuses and stock-option payouts to CEO’s and top Management shall first be paid into a Govt Trust Fund and be released to the beneficiaries only after a period of 3 years following their departure provided no frauds or financial collapse occurs which can be traced to their tenure in office. If a relevant fraud occurs after the money has been released, investors shall be entitled to go after the personal assets of these CEO’s even if they have been transferred to their spouses, children, trust fund etc.

10. The bare minimum punishment for financial misdemeanours, frauds and wanton mismanagement shall be whipping and three years hard labour in prison with no remission or plea bargaining. For the more serious offences, whipping, caning, amputation, beheading and all other forms of capital punishment shall also be mandatory. Way to go Iran and China! By this reckoning, we should be offering high mass for members of the Fed Reserve, Greenscam, the Secretary of the Treasury and their counterparts in UK and Europe while many shall line the streets and cheer.

11. The issue of credit cards shall be governed on the same principle as bank lending, on a global credit rating for each individual. Credit cards may not offer cash advance facility, which invariably results in those with low credit rating using it as an unsecured overdraft. Credit card issuing companies will suffer low growth? I reckon lower default rates will balance things out.

12. Lastly, and this has nothing to do directly with the financial system. But all the additional money that people will have saved by not being able to gamble on the Casino Stock Exchanges in the World, shall be used to repair Global Warming and to assemble the largest Army in Human History to invade the Dutch, Japanese, Russian, Norwegian, Thai, Chinese, Indian and other environment terrorists and poachers who cull baby seals, sharks, dolphins and whales or hunt tigers, elephants, lions, zebras, pangolins and bears (for their paws only) for profit.

Those captured shall be forced to work without pay in the Accounts Department of Lehman Brothers. Merril Lynch, Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs to total up the daily payables and receivables manually, i.e. without the aid of a calculator or computer, several times a day!

How to make this financially viable, you ask? Go figure it out BANANACAKE DUMMY! That’s why you were overpaid $1 million before.

No doubt these measures will perhaps throw a million or so people out of their jobs in the financial sector, Worldwide. But such a catharsis is necessary in the short-term for the long-term orderly and systematic economic growth of individual countries and the World.

I worry deeply when many today plunge for a degree in business studies and a career in the financial sector, equating it with a licence to accumulate wealth at any and all costs.

The moral dimension of ill-begotten gains seems to be neither a consideration nor an obstacle to the accumulation of wealth.

And why would it, with the stellar example demonstrated Worldwide by our so called Guardians and Financial Experts.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/South_Sea_Bubbles?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wall_Street_Crash_of_1929
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stock_market_crash_in_1987
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asian_financial_crisis
http://malayscandals.blogspot.com/2007/08/scandal.html

donplaypuks® with the economy, man!!