The World Anthem




by showmedamoney ramani, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for recessi and depressi affairs

In the month that was, good ‘ol US of A rabid sub-prime capitalism brought itself to its knees in ways that clearly proved that there is one rule for the elite, well-connected croney (fake) capitalist and his million $ bonus (each) earning management team and another for pesky main street wage earners who perenially dare to moan about their 3% annual wage rise and 1-2 month’s pro-rated bonus.

Amazingly, there is yet another rule for the auto industry which had the temerity to beg for a mere $34 million bailout. Stupid gits!! They should have come out with guns blazing with a demand, not a mere piddly, piffling $34 billion begging bowl, for a $1 TRILLION rescue package OR ELSE!! That would have got Secretary of Treasury Henry Poultry and Fed Chairman Ben Bananacakes running around like chickens with their heads cut off and forced Congress, admittedly at the point of gun-barrel diplomacy, to apply the same degree of (utter lack of) transparency, fair rules and standards in shovelling out largesse faster than you can say CRONEY BAILOUT. With funds extorted and misappropriated from the already bleeding Taxpayer, under the Troubled Assets Relief Program (TARP).

However, the auto czars did not have to throw even a rubber sole, let alone a whole camel leather Arab shoe, for Bush to leap to their rescue. After all, he was only pre-empting Obama!

TARP? American have not only a filthy secret desire and national agenda to murder Queen’s English but to also conquer Afghanistan, Iraq, N.Korea and the rest of the world too, with misspelt words like ‘Program’ and ‘Color’ while creating WMD’s (Words of Mass Destruction) with verbicised obscenities such as ‘Helming’ and 'Tasked.' This American national past-time is championed too by Microsoft which has as one of its principle aims the universal proliferation of stress, by forcing you to check/uncheck English (US) and English (UK) in its Word Spell-Check and Language Tool !!

This penchant is frequently compounded with creating American-speak like ‘Troubled Assets Relief Program’ when what they really mean is ‘Taxpayer Bailout Shit’. You ever wonder why they say ‘gas’ for ‘petrol’ and ‘check’ for ‘bill’ and then why there has been a 2000% increase over the last ten years in incidences of people, especially the young, suffering from gastritis, gall stones and kidney stones across the world? You think it’s mere coincidence? Believe me, in the end, our civilization will collapse from this dual-mode UK and US English and not financial mismanagement!!

Note too that this is an endemic disease that afflicts all countries with a British colonial past. The Aussie penchant for mouthing an 'o’ where none exists as in ‘loike’ or that universally condemned greeting of ‘g’die mite’ is a form of cancer. Of course the ‘recalcitrant’ Mahathir could not resist taunting Downunder denizens with ‘the rine in Spine fawlls minely on the pline’! In Bolehland we steal without conscience and conjure up ‘visi’, ‘misi’ and ‘sessi’. Reliably informed sources have leaked to donplaypuks® that Dewan Bahasa & Pustaka is writhing in agony over whether it should add ‘fisi’ ( fission) to the looted local vocabulary in the wake of Tenaga Nasional Berhad’s mulling over whether it should go nuclear.

But the icing on the cake that demonstrated the complete collapse of Pax Capitalism is the $50 billion Boinie Madhoff (you want I should tell you he is Kosher) fraud bonfire of the vanities, which has not only seen 1 suicide as of today, but a willingness by the Fed to rescue troubled Hedge Funds. Yes, Hedge Funds. The same vermin who have been thwarting all attempts by the SC to register and regulate them. Yes, Hedge Funds. The same low-life who in the first place are partly, if not substantially, culpable for the farming out of toxic sub-prime mortgages tarted up as sound risk-free investments and for wanton speculation on anything from oil to metals to currencies to soya beans and pork futures!

Here is a failure not merely of business or enterprise. It is a failure that is so common that it’s amazing the Americans cannot (or is it will not) see it. It’s the same reason why Juande Ramos was sacked as Manager of Tottenham Hotspurs recently. It’s the same reason why those managing the Football, Hockey and Athletics Associations locally should all be booted out of their jobs lock, stock and barrel. A UNIVERSAL FAILURE OF LEADERSHIP AND MANAGEMENT AT THE TOP!

If only it stopped there. But no. It would appear that the fraudtrepreneurs in Bolehland, having seen the writing on the wall, have upped the ante, and are attemting to loot as much as possible before there is no more money or wealth left to squeeze out of the much molested and raped economy.

Make no mistake. The brazen attempt to ‘privatise’ by directly negotiated non-tendered out contract the National Heart Centre which sits on prime land a stone’s throw from the city centre. That suspicious $1.7 billion cash purchase of a loss making airport at inflated land price to thwart any attempt by the SC to scrutinise land valuation in a related party transaction, and the breathtaking proposal by that same party to sell back to Tenaga Nasional Bhd an unwanted excess capacity IPP at a whacking profit of billions. That $4.2 billion cover-up and further pouring of money into a bottomless hole at Free Trade Zone. That proposal to build a new Low Cost Carrier Terminal for $ 3 billion to mask development of otherwise ‘dead’ land when there is huge under utilised capacity at KLIA. And the purchase of Sukhoi Jets and Scorpene Submarines for $9 billion and the ‘postponed’ $1.6 billion purchase of Eurocopters fitted with never-to-be-used laser guided weapons systems and 34 other helicopters for the police force costing billions more.

These are all signs of management gone haywire and not lifting a finger to stanch the frittering away of scarce economic resources. Signs of conscienceless Management with a thieving and looting business mentality. The vultures who have long been profiting from weak SC’s all over the world, are now openly rifling through the pockets of the sickly carcass. What more can we say of a $70 million proposal from the Ministry of MsEntrepreneurship to send jobless graduates (presumably those from 1 Race) to special English (Manglish) Language courses to enhance their employment prospects? It’s game over, folks!

Our local Bourse too, like its counterparts in this region – New York, London, Paris, Munich, Tokyo and Sydney – has been, to put it mildly, sleeping on its watch. Not much more could have been expected with its incestuous listing on its own Stock Exchange! Thus the national car company could get away with camouflaging operating losses by including non-trading Government Grant as trading income while elegant silence was maintained when a major Telco reaped hundreds of millions of $ in additional profit from private placement of shares with indecent haste almost immediately after taking the company private.

Neither the economy of the USA nor of the Globe is going to recover from trillion dollar bailouts aimed at enticing the masses to once gain indulge in conspicuous corpulent consumption of gadgets and gizmos with built-in obsolescence or a philosophy of spending based on keeping an eye on the Jones’ while loading up on Debt like there’s no tomorrow. Whichever route Henry Poultry and Bananacakes take, they are going to lay a big fat egg because they have not understood what Keynes meant by Consumption. Modern economists and their Nobel Prize winning Gurus therefore speak Tower of Bablesque Jive Voodoo Economics – possible recession, depression, economic nuclear winter, inflation, deflation, stagflation, and God Almighty, now just WTF is Stag Deflation??!!

And this magic beans policy of cutting interest rates to zero? It too will not work. This is what Japan has been doing for more than a decade with no tangible signs of a real recovery. Why? Because the banks and financial institutions have not been publicly brought to book for their fraud, basic dishonesty and profligacy. The Wall St crooks and their ilk-thieves have factored into their business models that when push comes to shove, their friends in high places will shovel them out with TARP Taxpayer Bailout Shit. With such a licence at their disposal, anyone would GO FOR DA MONEY and not blink an eyelid when they screw old ladies out of their retirement home savings funds or factory workers out of their healthcare, pension and childrens' education funding plans.

As for Big Brother, the SC, ours is in the same somnaubulistic good company with those in this region – New York, London, Paris, Munich, Tokyo and Sydney. Self-regulation can no longer work as individial and collective greed has breached tsunami levels.

And if superpowers and past colonial masters should screw up their and the Global economy (and English Language) big time, why, we should outdo them THRICE over. We clearly have the capability, intent and pre-requisite overflowing greed to go with it!!

donplaypuks® with the future of the World, man!!



by, nimrod manglish, donplaypuks® intlepid collesponden for national ranguage affairs.

I seck enuff is enuff leh. We plefer tich Signs and Mads in mudder tongue in Vernacular School. We objek to tich Signs and Mads in Engrish. We propo the honoulable Master Planner of the Realm for Ejukashen stick to the Congstituishen and lespect honoulable parents’ wish for their chewdrens to be ejucate forrow their wish. We have no ploblem compulsory tich Signs and Mads in Bahasa Marasia or Engrish in Govermen or Plivate School. But in Chinese Vernacular School, we ingsist tich in mudder tongue, Mandalin. You ungderstang or not ah!’

So protested a very voluble, disturbed, furious and red-faced Running Dog Mao En Lai, Chairman of Long Dong Zonked Charsiu Pau Chinese Education Association.

‘Our cowture and ranguage is most impoten to us. Dis experimen ah, conpulsory to tich Signs & Mads in Engrish in Govt and Vernacular Schools, is vely, vely big fairure. It’s all the faurt of former Chief Master Planner of the Realm, Rama Maha Firaun The First who force us to chain to Engrish.

Now orr our chewdrens spik half pass sick Engrish, half-pass sick or no Chinese, half pass sick or no Tamil and half-pass sick or no Bahasa Malaysia. Our chewdren oso don appleciate our ancient Chinese cowture anymore. Orr interested ony in computer game, MTV, unlear learity show, disco, lap, shopping and lepak (hanging out) in shopping mawr. They don even watch Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan kung-fu movies nowaday. Ony watch Amelican Idor or Heloes mah!

Niamah!! We now plan big, vely big public plotes against Govermen if they don chain the system. Of courr, pissful plotes. But we not aflaid the mata mata (police), water cannon, pepper water or tear gas loh.

Meanwhile, Miki Moto Mukh San, newly elected MP and son of Rama Maha Firaun The First, filed a $100 million defamation lawsuit against leading newspapers in Kuala Lumpur High Court, including Buntutsan Toilet Newspaper, for publishing remarks apparently attributed to him for his stance on the Vernacular School system.

Konnichiwa. I regret that my proposal to have a single type of integrated national school system has been deliberately misquoted and quoted out of context by Zionist and United States of America Shaitan controlled news agencies and press, including I am surprised to note, The New State Parsley Sage Rosemary Thighmes Newspaper.

I did not say that Vernacular Schools will have to be closed down or abolished. Only that they will all have to follow a single system of teaching all subjects including English, in Bahasa Melayu. Like Singapore, we should stop all Government Per Capita and Development Grants to Vernacular Schools which elect not to integrate. With this policy, like the dinosaur, these Vernacular Schools will eventually extinctcise out.

Why, when I encountered having to study in Bahasa Malaysia, my honourable papa san packed me off to Japan and Shaitan United States of America. Arigato and Sayonara. Ai shiteru!’

Master Planner of The Realm for Lower, Middle, Higher and any other form, Kerismuddin Onn The Wagon, when asked to comment on the Long Dong Zonked Charsiu Pau Chinese Education Association’s proposal, stressed vehemently that it was a ‘definite maybe’ that a dual system of education would be maintained.

‘It’s awfleh difficult what, to fathom what these blighter immigrants desire. Good Lord, why, when I encountered our superb national education system, my papa packed me off to Alice Smith’s in KL and then to London and Wales. Sure, it cost a small fortune, but it was worth every penny, millions of it, wot!

It was Rama Maha Firaun The First who changed the medium of instruction for Science and Maths to English some years ago to improve our students’ command of English. We all agreed it was a good move and swung into action with lightning speed. We inducted thousands of teachers with little or no command of English whatsoever into special English Language Teaching Training Courses. They all graduated brilliantly with honours and Phd’s in English, in five months!! Malaysia Boleh! (Malaysia Can!!). How extraordinary, dent you think, Jeeves?

Now, when we are near reaping the rich rewards of this switch to English, these Communists want to take a retrograde step. Hah, you think we with the culture of brandishing the Keris menacingly in public and the concept of Ketuanan Melayu (Malay Supremacy) firmly in place, are afraid of a few Communists manipulated by Western agitators? You think we are afraid of threats of public protests and demonstrations?

The last time these subversive urban terrorist elements tried this kind of cheap stunts, in 1987, Maha Firaun locked up 106 of them under the ISA (Internal Security Act). We will not hesitate to take strong action again these racists and demagogues.’

Responding to calls for clarification from the Indian community, Pallikuda Lingam, Chairman of Indraf (Indian Rights Action Force) Sangam, speaking from Chennai in India said,

‘Something firrm must be done about our Yeducation System. Ve see that our Universities are not featuring yin the top 200 yin the verld. Few of our children speak their mother tongue. Their command of Bahasa Malaysia yis wonly passable, while almost without yexception, most Malaysians nowadays yave an yinstinctive, brilliant command of ungrammatical yinventive Manglish.

Yin fact, many students yave a betterr command of Yinglish than their teachers. Believe me, that yis as pathetic as ve can get!! I yam proposing we yave one yintegrated schooling system with Bahasa Malaysia as the main language of instruction with Yinglish Language and grammar compulsory from Stanadard 1. Mother tongue and cultural concerns can be protected vith the re-yintroduction of Peoples’ Own Language yin wall schools. The teaching of Science and Maths yin Yinglish can be made compulsory when students commence O Levels.

More than that, the Ministry must revamp the the yentire yeducation system by yaddressing yimportant issues such as wall-graduate yentry level and training of teachers, a more yequitable mix of teachers and male:female teacher ratios and compulsory wall-round yeducation.

Yin the final yanalysis, if ve yembrace the principle of MERITOCRACY, ve cannot, shall not be failing !!’

donplaypuks® with my education, man!



by edmund everest hillary clinton, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for mountainous landslide victory affairs

Leading analysts and anonymous expert spokesmen have confirmed landslide victory at the International Hill constituency by-election which was precipitated by the sudden demise of the incumbent MP from a heart attack.

Maha Kinabalu (MK), political analyst for the New State Parsley Sage Rosemary Thighmes newspaper wrote today that if events that occurred in 1993 at nearby Menara Tanah Tinggi (MTT) constituency are anything to go by, this landslide victory of tsunamic proportions will be just another passing phase in local politics and social development.

MK noted that in the historic 1993 event at MTT, the fulcrum of social development had been reduced to bricks, rubble, dust and ashes by the riotous actions of greedy maverick groups with vested selfish interests. Ill-supervised and unauthorised, ambitious exploratory new age revolutionary edification by these mavericks at an adjacent constituency had undermined the very foundations of democracy and life as we knew it at MTT. But, the nation had lurched forward as though nothing had happened!

MK had lamented that the architects of these modern social edification concepts, their half-(assed) qualified assistants and Havoxbridge Con-sultants had all (illegall) put their John Hancocks on the Master Plans for MTT. When taken to court however, they had all been absolved of any culpability for the disaster, riots and loss of lives. Even the Local Authority and Erection Commission which had approved the gathering and activities of these maverick groups were declared to be ‘above the law’ by virtue of previously unknown provisions in the Federal Constitution.

His Lordship, the Right Honourable Justice Shariah R Ustads Khan, had concluded that the incident was due to an act of retribution by the one true God against pagan gods whom many had falsely worshipped. Khan had acutely observed that the landslide result could not be reversed. That this had led to the completely justified ban against Yoga, Yogis and Yogurt which did not fit in with the social fabric of a nation that would not allow the creeping, insidious 3Y (Yoni) philosophy subtly perpetuated and dangerously promoted by hitherto unidentified cabals of Indian and Hindu fundamentalists.

Master Planner of the Realm for Debates and Msinformation@gov.con, Shabby Cheeky Crack, had also chipped in with the highly useful, intelligent and penetrating observation that voters were the most to be blamed for the landslide victory. Shabby referred to microscopically printed ‘terms and conditions apply’ and ‘caveat emptor’ clauses which the voters should have negotiated on with the various candidates and their philosophies before buying and signing up for their tall stories.

Meanwhile many, rendered homeless by the landmark landslide and the resulting riots, questioned the lack of sympathy and support from ‘the powers that be.’ Master Planner of the Realm for Roofless Homes, Bongkak Tink Notink, conspicuous by his absence, lack of comments and apparent concern, was traced to Sichuan in PRC. He had departed a week earlier helming a small contingent of 2000 officials, engineers, architects and civil servants (wives and bit on the side included) to study revolutionary construction techniques for buildings and schools without foundation on steep hillside slopes.

En route, the contingent had of course had a week’s stop-over at the slippery, body-sliding slopes of Geneva, Switzerland and Pat Phong in Bangkok. Bongkak Tink Notink was quoted as saying “There is no rumour to the truth” in dismissed public concerns that this was yet another ‘research cum study’ overseas holiday junket at the taxpayers’ expense.

Former Chief Master Planner for Sellout All State, Fujimori Toyota, denied any responsibility for the landslide victory. Speaking from Pendatang in Sumatra, he said, ‘No, the state now under rule of Opposition sin Mach 2008. So, even though we in chag for 50 years before, that’s not means our faults. Even the 1993 MTT disaster. They are not our faults. Likes Dr.M and the Buntutsan Toilet Newspaper say, mebbe it a Zionist or Amerika Sharikat Shaitan komplot!’

However, Master Sith Jedi Planner of the Realm, Rip Van Winkle, chirpily announced today from house nos. 44-66A, Mosman Bay, Perth, Australia that the Govt would make available US$700 billion aid in the form of Funds Appropriated for Relief of Troubles (FART) to those affected by landslide victory as well as banks, financial institutions and the auto industry if they were unfairly and adversely affected by the US Satan Capitalist Sub-Prime and Finance Conspiracy. Applicants were requested to forward their requests in a brown envelope with an SAE to Master Planner of the Realm for Finance, Mamak Robokop Forexloosecannon.

Meanwhile at the MoF, Mamak Robokop Forexloosecannon, when posed the question as to where US700 billion would come from when the national reserves stood at US 100 million was quoted as saying “My lips are sealed by the Official Secrets Act (OSA). But, I can confirm that we will be the only nation in the world which will not slip into a recession or depression. I grantee this. For your immediate needs, I have $36 billion forex funds available at various Mamak Havala System Money Changer outlets. You call, we transfer out!! Call 1800-622-632-1400-1957-1969-2008 NOW!!”

Speaking from somewhere in Uzbekistan, Master Sith Jedi Planner of the Realm Elect and Ambassador to Mongolia, General Rosemajibbed, was quoted as saying that he was not inclined to worry about minor issues such as landslide victory as “My administration is on top of it. V have Suckhoi Jets, Scorpenis Subs, C4 explosives and Baginda Altantuya is free. Then, we are still vying for Euro Cocker-Mamie 725 Helicopters costing $1.64b rounded down to $2.3 billion. What more can we ask for? We are a truly blessed nation. God is great!!”

donplaypuks® with my landslide, man!



by ski dannon, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for yogurt and milky way affairs

Master Sith Jedi Surgeon-General of The Realm, Everette Smiles American (ESM), in response to a complaint lodged several months ago by the Fat Watchers Association (FATWHA) of the Realm, issued a nationwide edict banning the sale and/or consumption of all natural, frozen and fruit-flavoured Yogurt and related products. The Yogurt ban also specifically referred to the Yogi Bear Brand with its Swastik #1 logo and its range of Yogurt products originating from the Himalaya Mountain region in India.

ESM while conceding that claims of illegal Melamine additives to Yogurt were baseless, confirmed that considerations for the ban on Yogurt extended beyond health and excessive fat content issues investigated jointly by the Department of Senior Surgeons (DOSS), the Department of Dairy Products and Lactic Acid and I Police Raja Special Branch.

ESM confirmed that the Special Branch had been tipped off by ‘parties with vested but altruistic interest’ about a ‘possible subtle international conspiracy’ by the Indian and Hindu Diaspora to subvert other religions by promoting the culture of consumption of Yogurt, universally. ESM revealed that Yogurt, prepared by adding an appropriate pinch of sour butter milk to boiled natural milk and allowing the mixture to curdle, was known to the Arya Hindus possibly, ten thousand year ago. The Arya Hindus embraced the God Shiva, whose vehicle was Nandhi, the white bull, and supplemented their totally Vegan diet with Yogurt, for fat.

Quoting ‘unnamed and regional expert’ sources whose identities could not be revealed due to Internal Security Act (ISA) and Official Secrets Act (OSA) considerations, ESM revealed that dark elements of pagan rituals, mysticism, breathing techniques and exercises were woven into the ancient formulae concocted by these Arya Hindus; that it is entirely possible that unsuspecting weak-willed innocents may be diverted from their one true faith by consuming these imported natural milk based and cultured products. 'Jais call us on toll-free number 1800-622-632-1400 if anyone has any doubts on what appropriate food is fit for consumption so as not to compromise one's religious faith' appealed Surgeon-General.

Meanwhile, Shiva Lingam, President of ‘Yogurts R Us Sangam, scoffed at the ‘Yogurt conspiracy theory’ and ban edict issued by EMS. Lingam, pleading for calm, sanity and common sense to prevail, requested that in future such edicts be not issued without prior consultation with all stake-holders.

However, Rocky Horrorshow, Editor-elect of the New State Parsley Sage RosemaryThighmes Newspaper accused Shiva Lingam and his Sangam of being 2nd class immigrants who had no right to interfere in the dietary, health, religious and political affairs of the Realm, and of questioning eternally unquestionable provisions in the Constitution and of being rabble-rousers.

“After all, when you banned beef consumption all those long nights ago when you made a tryst with density, did you consult the beef-eaters or show concern or consideration for their feelings and rights?” raged Rocky.

In a shocking broadside to ESM and his edict, Master Sith Jedi Planner of the Realm, Rip Van Winkle, announced today from house nos. 44- 66A, Mosman Bay, Perth, Australia that it was all right to consume Yogurt provided one did not swallow, inhale, move or breathe.

In yet another stinging rebuke to the Surgeon-General, two of the directors of the Board of Cultured 10 cm Rulers lamented that the Surgeon General was by law required to brief and seek the consent of the Board before announcing any edicts affecting cultured products.

The Board of 10 cm Rulers also expressed their regret that before Rama Maha Firaun 1 interfered in the 90’s with their duties and powers and unilaterally consented to the new-fangled Systeme International, they had complete immunity and unfettered powers as the Board of Cultured 12 Inch Rulers, which they would use sensibly to whack recalcitrants with. And that sometimes, so as not to put too fine a point on it, they would use golf clubs and hockey sticks to get their point across!!

donplaypuks® with my cultured products, man!!

#1 the Indian Swastik is the original. The Germans copied it and the reverse Swastika became the symbol of the Nazis!!




by keynes them all, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for world economic affairs

I was going to let it pass.

Right up to that millisecond after that master of convoluted incomprehensible English, Alan Greenscam, looked at the camera, blinked, and mumbled ‘I did not see it coming!’ I was stunned! For once, he was incomprehensibly, comprehensible!

It then struck me like a tsunami that all these bandicoots – Greenscam, Ben Bananacake, Paulsaulson in Wolf’s Clothings, Burning Bush, Goofy Blair, Warrenrabbit Phoebe (with apologies to ‘Friends’) Buffet, Gordonsgin Brown – and their counterparts in Europe, HK, China, India, Japan and Australia did not have a clue. For over 20 years they have been absolutely wrong. Do not forgive them Father for they ought to have known they were pathetically WRONG. They were GROSSLY overpaid not to have slept on their watch!!

Collectively they were responsible for perpetuating the greatest scam in the history of the World. Collectively they were GROSSLY NEGLIGENT and guilty of concocting America’s greatest export and business philosophy of the last 20 years, that:

Greed is Good, Unmitigated Greed, even better! And Unmitigated, Undiluted and Unvarnished Greed is BEST!! And if we can parcel it all and sucker it through WTO manipulation to the rest of the world, that is the icing on the cake. And if you can still keep your head and wits about you while others drop about you like bees in a smokehouse, why, my son, the scorched Earth is all yours, BUDDY!’

And they all bought it. Japan, because it is sorry for WWII, but ‘Roose face if aporogise.’ Germany because of WWI & WWII, but it is still not sorry for the Holocaust, ya wohl mein herr, Seig Heil! The Chinese because they secretly all want to be regarded as White Americans. The Indians because they all secretly want to follow China. The Honkies because they all have three jobs and secretly have no individual or collective conscience anymore. And the Singaporeans because they all secretly want to be White anyone. There, have I left out anyone in my racist tirade? Forgive me my anger because I failed to park a humongous financial loss on any bank or financial institution. I shall go to my grave with the regret of this oversight foremost on my mind.

From the South Sea Bubble episode of the 18th century, through the 1929 Wall St. Crash, October 1987 Black Monday, 1997 Asia Currency Crises, massive frauds at Barings Bank, Bank Bumi, Bank Nat Paris, Enron, Global Crossings, Tyco and especially the rape of America and UK by its CEO’s, major shareholders and top management, some facts are palpably clear. That the inalienable right to pursuit of happiness has been interpreted to mean the inalienable right to accumulate Midas and Croesus-like wealth at the expense of anybody, including one’s mother. And when in trouble, the rich and well-connected are entitled to en masse embrace ‘dole’ socialism, nay, communism, and call for the State to bail them out OR ELSE……!

Which means you, me, the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker are the one’s who will really have to cough up and forgo our measly budget LCC airlines propelled annual week’s holiday or our children’s overseas education savings, so that America can continue funding the search for WMD’s in Iran and Afghanistan.

All the Citibanks, Wachovias, Merril Lynchs, Morgan Stanleys, Goldman Sachs, Lehman’s et al have to bleat is that ‘This is Armageddon. We cannot let the banks sink (or else we will also sink)’ or ‘The CONTAGION will sink EVERYBODY’ for their buddies in the Treasury to echo the same words and swing into action with $700 billion of money that does not exist and will be created by the simple expediency of marshalling the printing presses into overtime.

Has anyone thought of the consequences of printing so much money which is not backed by real assets and wealth. Don’t worry about that buddy, let the Chinese and Indians figure that out for theirs is the future and the truly fucked shall inherit the barren Earth. Welcome to the virtual world of the Matrix where money can be created by hey presto and abracadabra.

So, here’s my dime’s worth of advice of how to put the World’s Financial System in order.

1. Ban all Speculative Trading in Oil, Commodities and Currencies and their Futures. Only producers and exporters of goods, services and commodities shall be allowed to forward sell to genuine buyers who will take physical delivery.

Thus a day trader sitting in a coconut shell in Langkawi will not be able to speculate in soya beans futures while hedging potential losses by a $:Yen interest-rate swap derivative secured by AIG insurance quoted on the Humbug Index which in turn is tied to the toxic sub-prime mortgage 2000% per annum ROI (whatever that means) and guaranteed by Developmentnomore Offshore Bank of Panama, which all vanished in a puff of smoke in September 2008!!

Remember, currency is not a commodity to be traded as recently demonstrated by Zimbabwe and its trillion $ note!

2. Ban all naked and other short selling on any Stock Exchange. The underlying principle shall be that one must have paid in money for shares or commodities etc and owned them legally before one call sell. Lending of share scripts should be totally banned.

3. Ban all contra share trading. The stock markets are meant for long-term investors. Those interested in making quick gains can buy lottery tickets, head for the casinos, bet on the EPL or whatever one fancies. Thus you have to pay for and own a share before you can sell it, period. Sure, the share market will be boring. But, boring and steady growth are infinitely better than bankruptcy, suicide and 300,000 Icelanders waking up one morning and suddenly finding themselves jobless while the Irish and British simultaneously wake up and find they have been sodomised from afar by Icelanders!

4. Proposals for all new financial instruments shall be reviewed by a specialist independent think-tank co-opted into the relevant Securities Exchanges. If it looks like or smells like a junk bond or artificial derivative, it shall not see the light of day. 50% of any such approved instrument shall be subscribed for in cash and held until redemption without further disposal or packaging (toxic masking and tarting up) by the lead underwriter, merchant and other banks involved.

The acid test for the approval of such a financial instrument shall be whether your granny or Aunty May or Petunia is able to understand what it is, how it works and what its downside risks are.

5. Share, Property & Investment Margin Financing should at all times be restricted to equity:debt of 2:1 i.e. for every $1 of cash you have, the bank will lend you no more than 50 cents. Banks shall also not extend further margin should the market value of investments appreciate since we must adhere to the principle that investment is for the long-term and not allow for the double-whammy casino mentality to get even a toe-hold.

6. All professionals who support a prospectus for sale of shares, securities, investments etc must be made financially liable for any opinion they express in support of such sales, secured by an appropriate deposit in cash, irrevocable bank guarantee or LC.

7. No lending shall be approved by any bank or financial institution unless a thorough independent credit check and rating has been carried out by the lender who shall be liable for any negligence. Lenders shall establishing the maximum any individual or company can borrow on a global basis by setting up a linked Credit Rating Agency. This will go a long way towards preventing companies like GE hocking all their cashflow and being unable to pay staff salaries and basic overheads when pork futures go belly-up in Beijing.

8. Appointment of internal and external auditors and independent directors of public and listed companies shall fall under the purview of a Govt-established body. If the Boards, Chairmen and CEO’s do not co-operate, the Govt shall be empowered to sack them and close the company down.

Self regulation is a joke and has long been a ticket for conscienceless ‘captains of industry’ to write their own paycheck at the expense of minority shareholders and the Govt. Similarly, the functioning of the regulatory bodies for Accountants, Lawyers & Solicitors, Doctors etc shall all be taken out of the hands of accountants, lawyers and doctors and be placed in the hands of the Government. That’s what Governing means, not outsourcing the security of chicken farms to the foxes!

9. The huge hundred million $ bonuses and stock-option payouts to CEO’s and top Management shall first be paid into a Govt Trust Fund and be released to the beneficiaries only after a period of 3 years following their departure provided no frauds or financial collapse occurs which can be traced to their tenure in office. If a relevant fraud occurs after the money has been released, investors shall be entitled to go after the personal assets of these CEO’s even if they have been transferred to their spouses, children, trust fund etc.

10. The bare minimum punishment for financial misdemeanours, frauds and wanton mismanagement shall be whipping and three years hard labour in prison with no remission or plea bargaining. For the more serious offences, whipping, caning, amputation, beheading and all other forms of capital punishment shall also be mandatory. Way to go Iran and China! By this reckoning, we should be offering high mass for members of the Fed Reserve, Greenscam, the Secretary of the Treasury and their counterparts in UK and Europe while many shall line the streets and cheer.

11. The issue of credit cards shall be governed on the same principle as bank lending, on a global credit rating for each individual. Credit cards may not offer cash advance facility, which invariably results in those with low credit rating using it as an unsecured overdraft. Credit card issuing companies will suffer low growth? I reckon lower default rates will balance things out.

12. Lastly, and this has nothing to do directly with the financial system. But all the additional money that people will have saved by not being able to gamble on the Casino Stock Exchanges in the World, shall be used to repair Global Warming and to assemble the largest Army in Human History to invade the Dutch, Japanese, Russian, Norwegian, Thai, Chinese, Indian and other environment terrorists and poachers who cull baby seals, sharks, dolphins and whales or hunt tigers, elephants, lions, zebras, pangolins and bears (for their paws only) for profit.

Those captured shall be forced to work without pay in the Accounts Department of Lehman Brothers. Merril Lynch, Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs to total up the daily payables and receivables manually, i.e. without the aid of a calculator or computer, several times a day!

How to make this financially viable, you ask? Go figure it out BANANACAKE DUMMY! That’s why you were overpaid $1 million before.

No doubt these measures will perhaps throw a million or so people out of their jobs in the financial sector, Worldwide. But such a catharsis is necessary in the short-term for the long-term orderly and systematic economic growth of individual countries and the World.

I worry deeply when many today plunge for a degree in business studies and a career in the financial sector, equating it with a licence to accumulate wealth at any and all costs.

The moral dimension of ill-begotten gains seems to be neither a consideration nor an obstacle to the accumulation of wealth.

And why would it, with the stellar example demonstrated Worldwide by our so called Guardians and Financial Experts.

donplaypuks® with the economy, man!!



'TRIALS & TRIBULATIONS or courting disasters'

by al solzhenitsyn, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for self-appointed benevolent dictators' affairs

Komrad Stalin Rosemajibbed Komrad General, have you deployed your cannon-fodd.., er I mean, your hero soldiers, throughout the country to prevent any resurrections or revolutions? Are they not oreddy on max Defcon 10 Alert?

Komrad 8-Star General Er, Komrad next-Great Leader, which revolution would that be?

Komrad Stalin Rosemajibbed Fool, dumpkof!! Don you read The Buntutsan or New State Parsely Sage Rosemary Thighymes newspapers. I have just got Komrad Magoo Jagger No Pedra Bianca, Jedi Master Planner of the Realm for Home Science, to ban Indraf. That will hopefully provoke their followers to violence. We will then Mohd ISA them all and have another clean-up Show Trial. Komrads I Raja Polis, Big Moose Beria (IRPB), and AG, Ganesh Patel Malenkov, are on stand-by oreddy!!

Komrad 8-Star General I have been a little busy with the Muslim-separatist insurrections in our northern border. I just got back by LCC Airlines. And how could Indraf be banned if they are not a registered party, Komrad next-Great Leader?

Komrad Stalin Rosemajibbed Idiot!! You are the only 8-Star General in the world as noted in our Genius Book of Records. If we can achieve that in Bolehland, we can ban existing or non-existent anything. Geddit?? And what do you mean you returned by LCC Airlines. What happened to our helicopters?

Komrad 8-Star General All the old Sickorsky Duriduku helicopters have been superbly crashed by our Towering Glocal pilots. So, we have to rely on commercial airlines to get us about. We need a new fleet quickly, preferably by yesterday!

Komrad Stalin Rosemajibbed Don you worry about that. We have accepted the most expensive bid of $2.3 bil for 12 new Euro Cockermamie-Spaniel Heli 725. This is about $1 bil more than the next-most economical alternative. What a truly marvellous TOWERING achievement! All procedures have been adhered to by the Book, i.e. SOP. But if you were us, would you go for the Rolls Royce of Helis or the Prodana version?

Komrad 8-Star General The Rolls Royce of course! We MUST have the best and the most expensive or our neighbours will laugh at us. No question or arguing about it. National pride is at stake! We can't just plunk for one from Toys R Us, can we? Komrad, may I in the same breathe of true patriotism, recommend my $2 fully cash paid-up family company, Salvation Army Sdn. Bhd., for a $300 mil administration and maintenance-liaison National Service contract tie-up?

Komrad Stalin Rosemajibbed Hmm, thats mean the contract cost will have to be increased to $3 bil to accommodate your brilliant proposal as well as several trips for army chiefs (including wives & bits on the side), a 100-strong Defence contingent and Heads of Army Pension Fund Trustees to carry out several arduous recon trips to Paris and Galleries Lafayette and for increase in miscellaneous petty cash expenses. And also for visits to nearby countries and places like London and Oxford St. and Geneva and Munich. I suppose that could be arranged since Baginda Altantuya screwed things up in Paris with his Perimeter Sdn. Bhd. and Mongolian Dutch-wife hot-press escapade.

Komrad 8-Star General Hrrmph, Komrad next-Great Leader, I must alert you that our Heli Generals are more than a little miffed that IRPB had by-passed SOP and personally directly lobbied the Geat Leader who now has oreddy awarded the new 30-year contract to CroneyCoAsia Jets to lease 34 helis for I Polis Raja (IPR) for a whopping $20 bil. Why does IPR need 34 Helis while the Army is only allocated 12?

Komrad Stalin Rosemajibbed Komrad General, be careful what you say and to whom you say it. You have just proposed your retirement plans. So, too have others who may have to retire prematurely. Besides, $20 bil spread out over 30 years is peanuts compared to Bush's $700 bil bail-out of Wall Street and $1 tril Iraq Invasion Cost. Come the revolution, the Army cannot be involved as the natives in the heartland would not approve of it. So, IPR may have to spring into action to nip things in the bud, especially at Port Dickson where I may have to rush to in case of pressing needs emegency, which occurs about twice a week!

Komrad 8-Star General But O' next-Great Leader, Komrad IRPB has just had a multiple bypass op and is in no position to spring further than you can toss him. Besides, he, like Komrad AG Ganesh Patel Malenkov, is being sued by Sir Abim Obasama, Barisan Rakyat's Leader, for abuse of power and manufacturing false evidence. And all these trials, won't they back-fire on you?

Komrad Stalin Rosemajibbed We are only taking a leaf out of the pages of history. But, we are not as cruel as the Russians and their OGPU/NKVD/KGB were. We have comparatively few Great Purge Show Trials and arrests in this region - Burma, Thailand, N.Korea, Vietnam etc. - as follows:

1. Sodomy 2 Trial involving Komrad Sir Abim Obasama, Leader of Barisan Rakyat.
2. Sedition Trial of Komrad R. Peter K now under Mohd. ISA indefinite detention.
3. Sedition Trial of Komrad Blogger Kick Dick Head.
4. ISA Arrest of Reporter (for her own safety and protection).
5. ISA arrest of MP Mother Teresa (based on ex-Jedi Fujimori Toyota's blog and Buntutsan newsaper's patently precipitate and false accusations).
6. Arrest and indefinite detention of Indraf leaders and 62 others.
7. Planned arrest of several Indraf supporters and blogggers for misbehaviour at $2 million New Year Open House bash paid for by taxpayers' money.

Komrad 8-Star General But Komrad next-Great Leader, this is thothally unfair. IRPB has also been implicated in $4 bil directly negotiated non-tendered out IT contract for IPR HQ awarded to a Lion City company owned by Israeli agents and spies. IRPB again bypassed SOP by writing directly to the Great Leader in getting approval to over-turn the Treasury's Tender Board recommendations. How greedy can one get? How large a Pension Fund does one man need? At the rate IRPB is going, he will soon have enough funds to make a bid to take over the whole of the USA, based on current valuations!!

Komrad Stalin Rosemajibbed I must say he's showing a lot of initiative and innovation lately. Not bad for a once foot-patrol cop. Perhaps, we should promote him to Jedi Master Planner of the Realm for Home Science once he's fully recovered. But you are right. There are limits. We must nip this excessive exuberance of IRPB in the bud. Fight fire with fire. Can you handle it?

Komrad 8-Star General Er, I have been an army man all my life. So, I am not too conversant with all this political mumbo-jumbo and corporate wheeling and dealing. You'll have to count me out!

Komrad Stalin Rosemajibbed Then I have no alternative but to deal with the devil we know. Here, get me Baginda Altantuya's shyster mouth-piece on my CIA 200% totally secure cell phone. This is a one-of-a-kind cell phone whose transmissions can never be intercepted. State-of-the-art. Sooper-dooper! You ever seen one like this?

Komrad 8-Star General No, Komrad O' next-Great Leader. Where did you get it from? Perhaps we can work on an exclusive directly negotiated non-tendered out $1 bil contract to supply these CIA cell phones to all our top Security Personnel, Special Branch and Jedi Master Planners.

Komrad Stalin Rosemajibbed Good, excellent. You are a quick learner! Yes, IRPB got me one from this Lion City IT Specialist Co which is doing that $4 bil contract at IPR HQ.

Komrad 8-Star General Good God, you don mean that Israeli prepaid connection.....? Do you?

Komrad Stalin Rosemajibbed Good God you don mean..? No wonder it's branded as 'Star of Daud!!' That stupid IRPB! One of these days he will end up like Trotsky who had a famous encounter with an ice-pick!! Komrad General, we have no choice. I must alert the Great Leader about a possible Zionist konspiracy and about declaring a National Emergency straight away. Get your cannon, er I mean our War Heroes mobilised at once!!!

Komrad 8-Star General At once Komrad next-Great Leader. Patriots to the fore. Tenn Hutt!!

Komrad Stalin Rosemajibbed Patriots on all fours, indeed! Dismissed!!

donplaypuks® with my pension plans, man!!
* SOP - Standard Operating Procedure



LH Oswald, donplaypuks® lone and only (as determined by the Rabbit's Warren Commission) correspondent for assassination affairs has been specially commissioned to pen a thothally fictitious short-story about the successful assassination of non-existent Master Jedi Planner of the Realm for Home Science, Magoo Jagger No Pedra Bianca.

All the fictitious bald facts shall be revealed!! All names and persons mentioned in this completely fabricated untrue story are fictitious; any resemblance to real persons - living, dead, mentally retarded with sub-zero IQ they had to go to college to acquire and short, bald and fat - is unintended and thothally coincidental.


A lone gunman approaches the grassy knoll from the direction of the Kamunting Book Depository Building as the motorcade approaches the T-junction. In the lead roof-top down Prodana Limo sits the short, bald and overflowingly fat Master Jedi Planner for the Realm for Home Science, Magoo Jagger No Pedra Bianca. You could tell it was a Prodana Limo from the windows which were tinted from the outside!..........

Thousands of fictitiously banned Indraf and Makkal Sakthi supporters of all races line the motorcade route screaming holy words of support for the Jedi Master Planner's genius in banning a non-existent and non-political party. Dai Pundai, Fcuk and such holy words ring out.................

The lone gunman screws the silencer on to his custom-made Kalashnikov sniper rifle which is fitted with night-vision scope even though it is broad daylight! He loads the dum-dum bullets and the Zapruder bullet so that later the special CIA and local SB investigators would be thothally confused and lie that the bullet reversed directions after being fired!!.........

The lone gunman was of course motivated (blindly misled) to carry out this thothally fictitious assassination by a thothally imaginary article allegedly penned by Latok Khairil Rockyhorrorshow in the New State Parsely Sage Rosemay Thighymes Buntutsan Toilet Newspaper. The Buntutsan had fictitiously alleged that Magoo Jagger No Pedra Bianca, had lodged a complaint that locals had protested against the ringing of bells during morning and evening prayers at Indraf Temples thus fictitiously stirring up racial and religious outrage......

The Buntutsan, which has been fictitiously sued for $30 mil for slander and defamation by the imaginary family of the fictitiously assassinated Jedi Master Planner, has denied all liabilty and demanded an unequivocal apology and compensation of $1 bil for fictitiously dragging its good name into public opprobium and odium. The Buntutsan also fictitiously claimed that it had merely re-printed a posting that had appeared on ex-Jedi Master Planner Latok Fujimori Toyota's fictitious blog. Toyota was himself being fictitiously sued for $1 bil by several parties................

donplaypuks® with my assassination short tall stories, man!!
The full version of the short tall story shall be published on 16th September 2020.



or hats, caps, headgear and masks

by cecil lichfield kodakaroid, donplaypuks® intrepid photographer for tete-a-tete affairs

some easy to identify, others not so!

(place cursor on pic for answer)

little bo peep

yasser arafatbatman

charlie chaplin
sir winston churchill

iron man
general de gaulle
indiana jones

abraham lincoln mickey mousemedusa

napoleon bonaparte
the popejawaharlal nehru

popeye the sailor man

mother teresa queen elizabeth andy capp

dang it, those hindraf and Mohd. ISA blogger abolishionists did not turn up!!! wonder which open house paid for with millions of taxpayers' money they gate-crashed? and the PM and some wooden cabinet members were miffed they did not wish everyone bon hari raya? they forgot 2007 when they held their agm on deepavali day and in 2008 announced elections during chinese new year celebrations?

respect gets as respect gives.

and when citizens are arrested for legitimately (as guaranteed by the Constitution) protesting (totally peacefully) against the government and are then sprayed with tear gas and pepper-laced water and finally held in prison without charge or trial under draconian prevention of terrorism laws, you think they should crawl on their knees and beg for mercy?

one day when it happens to the powers-that-be or their kith and kin, only then will they realise the enormity of the crime and injustice they have committed!!

did donplaypuks® miss any? do you know of some famous hats?

donplaypuks® with my tea mates, man!!



or 'The 4 Musketeers & All For One And One For All!'

or 'Oh, Ye Of Little Faith!'

by surya nades 15 beers, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for barisan rakyat affairs

Malkit Siang Gill Sr - The natives are getting restless! Whoa, I hantam sky-change lah, sea-change 916 lah, toll highway interchange lah, everywhere in my speeches lah. But still no toppling, no frogs leaping above or below the wind, bludder!!

Kapak Singh Gill - We can't rely on defections alone you know, your honour, Sir Abim Obasama.

SAO - Should we then rely on ex-National Central Bang plants masquerading as your Deputy Chairman?

Kapak Singh Gill - Come, come you honour. Don hit below the turban. Let's at least have THE LIST of frogs, brudder.

Tok Guru Nicholas Gill - Sabar brudders, Sabah. All in good thime. Have patien, have faith that Sir Abim will deliver. The opposition is panicking and in complete disarray. We are almost there.

SAO - I can confidently tell you we have the numbers. Some negotiations are still underway and have delayed matters. Rosemajibbed is being manipulated to topple Rip Van Winkle earlier than June 2010 so that Cassius Sil aka Hairy Plotter The Silly will not have time to place his men everywhere. Hairy is trying to get rid of the old guard like Grumpymopeydopeydin, Baldy Magoo No Bianca, Kerismudin, rAPfirewoman who secretly wants to come back, Mat Tyson Suitcase Empty etc. And of course ambitious amateur in-your-face upstarts like Shoveinyourass Updalcha. Their situation is shambolic!

Malkit Siang Gill Sr - It's all right for you. If you lose you will just go back to your IMF friends and Washington and lecher in Islamic studies again. But we may be forced to do a deal with the devil, dammit!!!

SAO - Don be stupid or act hastily! The rats are openly talking about deserting the sinking ship. Parti Tak Gerak now has an 80% mandate to jump ship and CHARSIU (Chinese Heavenly Association for Race, Sincerity, Intelligence & Unity) members are ready except for the stubborn old goats at the very top and their biz croneys who are afraid all the old dirty deals will be exposed. KALINGA (Kesatuan Alam Liga India Neo Ganga Arya) is a ship without a rudder or crew, all of whom have thrown their weight behind INDRAF (Indian Rights Action Force). KALINGA will be extinct within a year, but certainly before the 2013 General Elections!

Kapak Singh Gill - What about Kaviasitahardkaurass and the Pip Pip Pip Party, your honor? Maybe the Indians will go there to avoid being Mohd ISA'd?

SAO - A man, any man, who does not immediately defend his people's integrity, honour and self-respect when they are unjustifiably insulted and humiliated publicly by people like that Turkish mamak Ketuanan Melayu Jedi Master Planner for Parameswara Land from PUKS (Parti Uniti dan Keadilan Semenanjung), cannot hope to lead a pair of battery jump start cables let alone a political party. So, he and his party are now history. Oh, I forgot, he has 1 supporter - Stephanie from that corner-shop in Ampang!

Malkit Siang Gill Sr - But bludder, they are threatening to Mohd ISA everyone for their own safety and well-being!!

Sivajiraja SD- It's not like you haven't been there before. When they start arresting bloggers and then reporters and MP's without even preliminary investigations, you can smell their fear and desperation. They are running around like chickens with their heads cut off. What, if your, our and Tok Guru's supporters all decide to march peacefully tomorrow, how many can they arrest? How long can they survive from the international back-lash and flight of FDI's?

Kapak Singh Gill - Areva bhai, easy for you to say. I'm on a wheel-chair, very difficult to go for a wee wee or no.2 call in Kamunting you know, you honour.

Mohd Clay Ali - Brudders. I and Abim have been through some of the most trying and terrible times since '98. So, facing these obstacles is nothing new. A question of mind over matter. I assure you all that we will get there soon. September 16th created the panic. All you Gills are behaving like novice fish out of water, for God's sake!! Soon, we'll go for the kill !! And think of the positives. We have their ex-Minister for Law on our side.

Tok Guru Nicholas Gill - That's right! Mecca was not conquered in a day, remember that!!

Malkit Siang Gill Sr - And that's what worries me Tok Guru. Are your loyalties to our Group or Mecca, Medina, the Ayatollah and the Taliban/Al Qaeda?

Tok Guru Nicholas Gill - As you make your bed, so must you lie on it.

SAO - Very cryptic remarks, Tok Guru. But, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, we must not act rashly. STAND UNITED. AGREED? ONE FOR ONE AND ALL FOR ONE!! And don forget, we are all loyal to the King! And THE LIST remains with me alone until I meet Him!!


donplaypuks® with my musketeers, man!!

donplaypuks® havoxbridge dictionary of manglish:
bhai - punjabi for brother
bludder - brudder, brother
hantam - whack
land below the wind - Sabah
sabar - patience
SAO - Sir Abim Obasama, leader of Barisan Rakyat political party
thime - time


the original 3 Musketeers in Alexandre Dumas's 1844 novel were Athos, Porthos & Aramis (now a famous after-shave) led by the hero D'artagnan, the 4th Musketeer.



by armand egon michelin, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for gastronomic affairs

Competition has hotted up in the instant noodles market with the timely introduction of a saucy new range under the brand name Nookie, produced and marketed by glocal aspiring Indian enterpreneurs, Mamaggi. Denied any assistance from official Entrepreneurial Schemers, local and foreign banks, the Mamaggi Group from Port Kelang started a unique Kutu funding finance scheme to set up its factory and commence production in November 2007 with a start-up capital of $100 mil.

The response to Nookie Noodles has surpassed all expectations and Mamaggi is planning to set up new factories in Sg. Siput, Melaka and Iskandar Regional Development in Johor Bahru. In order to keep overheads low and to bypass the ususal middleman mafia, Mamaggi has embarked on a novel telemarketing direct selling scheme for their Nokkie instant noodles.

Get a 6-pack now for only $ 5 + for p&p add $1 to anywhere in the country and enjoy special free gifts!! HURRY before stocks run out !! CALL NOW !!! Refer to our catalogue below. Same day delivery by . All products are guaranteed Melamine Free.

CALL 1-300-916-1016-1116-1216 NOW to place your orders with one of their friendly telemarketeers. CALL NOW or forever hold your piece!!

and more flavours are in the production pipe-line to suit all tastes.

donplaypuks® with my Nookie Noodles, man !!



or 'The Gripes of Wrath' (with due apologies to our friends down under).

by sirul azilah altantuya baginda (saab), donplaypuks® intrepid corresponent for administration and maintenance of francophile and enophile (*1) affairs in paris.

Hot on the heels of news of the successful signing of the $5 billion order for submarines between Malaysia and France, there emerged breaking news of further commercial joint-ventures between French and Malaysian parties.

The Duc de Scorpeneis, speaking fom his Chatuea D’if in the south of France, announced the incorporation of Wines Internationale Nouveau Organisma or WINO in off-shore Labuan, for a joint-venture with Glocal Malaysian entrepreneur, Latok Ali Baba Kian Tee, for the world-wide distribution of made-in-Malaysia world-class wines.

Saab was able to secure copies of WINO’s international catalogue at a secret exclusive wine-tasting cum french-cuisine (frog-legs, snails, force-fed enlarged goose liver and horse-steak) bash hosted by the Duc de Scorpeneis and the Duchess de Mercedes at Labuan’s premier 6-star hotel, the Palais du Monte Cristo.

We are proud to present below WINO’s 2008 magnificent range of wines from their “Boulanger Douxain de Malaise’ special collection or ‘The Baker’s Dozen from Malaysia’.
* 1 enophile – wine lover

$5 million bottle Petrus ‘vin au coq up’08

a delicate peppery, perky, fragile youthful coffee-boy sweet pink rose fruity wine thing. special edition also available for your pet uncle and /or aunty and will be delivered by royal motor-bike courier petra@2daymalaysiaSD(sameday)services.

do not touch, fondle or remove coq. to drink, break glass at other end at 8 specially indented spots. one sip and you will swear on a stack of holy books to its astonishlingly refreshing taste and be immediately transported to heaven.

this delectable, sweet honey-dripping nectar may be consumed on any or all of overseas trips or in secret tete-a-tete high-tea frisson between 3.00 – 4.30 p.m any day.
WARNING!! MUST be consumed with green salad topped with extra virgin olive oil dressing.

chateau grande casino royale malaysia @ today

a brave full-bodied wine of pure royal blue vintage. delivered by post, wrapped in brown envelope with certicate of authenticity verified by SD.

ps bottles are stored in special underground vaults located overseas. orders may NOT be scanned or emailed via laptops. Please register on-line for invitation to free wine-tasting.

shiteau medellin la pheet '70

an exceptionally soporific and liberating sweet, dreamy, smoky grass-green concoction cloned from afghanistan, pakistan and burma varieties.

also easily available from mules at airport waiting lounges, donkeys in maximum security-protected vat vaults in ujong tanah & nine counties stations and asses in glocal burger stalls.

pending FDA/DEA approval.

mateus matthieus rose lah tongue braun ‘03

for all loyal aids of ex-premiers, ministers and mp’s. a unique light-bodied flatulent, pretentious blend of portuguese and chinese grapes. vine cuttings were originally imported from kerala on the western seaboard of south india.

a bit over-dry & bitter to the palate. over-priced for its vintage. personally recommended by self-proclaimed expert retired wine-taster contactable at sourgrapes@dilemma.ex-gov.con

dom perignon le don never pays ‘69

specially subsidised king of sparkling, bubbling beautifully bottled champagnes. at least 30% of bottles are reserved for some more equal than others.

cultivated in the directly negotiated non-tendered-out 3,000 hectares vineyards of the New Enophile Plains (NEP). last few cases only available as this year’s production has been severely curtailed by the most serious attack of vine blight in 50 years.

new orders will be accepted only after September 16th, 2008.

casa mafioso verve cliqdontalkcoq au lord lingham’s ‘08

a very corretcly, corretcly, corretcly blended spicy, chili-hot whisky-whine produced in the dungeons of Chateau Micasa Sucasa designed to burn your tongue off. cleverly concocted for those who wish to appear drunken instantly. one sip and you’ll convincingly be able to pretend to incriminate yourself & spill the beans in a drunken handphone monologue with retired Chief Shysters!!

guaranteed to induce amnesia the next day.

ps special 100% discount for all members of the auckland-zoo and lake geneva chalet judiciary alumni. go burn em video & dvd’ & wine-kit instructions for extra $1 only without prejudice.
#1 including but not limited to caveat emptor. e & eo excepted.

pinot du chet guevara ‘03

a revolutionary full-bodied red non-alcoholic wine for incumbent and retired self-proclaimed and self-appointed benevolent dictators.

prepared from blood-red grapes fermented in secret trenches and then boiled to remove all traces of alcohol and debris.

5 cc milk of magamnesia laxative added to facilitate ease of motion and loss of memory the morning after the night before for octogenarian buyers.

villa valachia eternal perwaja steal ‘08
a full-bodied fiery red with untraceable 76 million herbs forged from the juice of off-shore harvested swiss, japanese & hong kong red, purple & green grapes. leaves traces of hot furnace, carbon, rare diamonds and ashes on the tongue.

ps recipe for eternal-life herbs discontinued due to the recent demise of its inventor.

marquis de sade et buggerdeaux ‘98
an oh, so delightful conspiratorial dark-brown full-bodied and full-aroma sparkling wine variant from grapes originally grown in the Bordeaux district of France. distilled and cloned after sadistically straining the juices through the stained fabric and foam of an old confiscated mattress.

grape-juice concentrates are specially selected from vines re- planted in the foothills of Tivoli Villas
Bungsar, Rome and mixed with those found in the condominium area in the Shires District of Kuala Lumpur, i.e. Dutakennydamanshire valleys district.
certificate of origin & DNA (#1) test results issued by enophile centre at
maharthasvineyard.pondok@klER are enclosed with each case.
# 1 pending constitutional amendmend.

chardonnay shah du joy riah ‘69
a pink-white light, sweet delicate sparkling, fizzy, bubbling champagne wine to celebrate the arrest of partners in same-sex marriages, transvestite liaisons, cross-dressing parties and those involved in sex-conversion issues like the british classical dancer, barrelina joy margot fonteyn, and himalayan conqueror, sir edmund hillary clinton mcmurthy
labels personally autographed by eltons john, helen degenerate and sherpa tenzing allgay.
do not hesitate! jais whip an emial order to:
empty bottle will come in handy for bodily functions if one is arrested & remanded for hours in enforificers' trucks.
all buyers must attend mandatory counselling course conducted by ayatollah osama zarqawi in Kandybar, Afghaniranqistan.

chateau mutton rottenschild ‘08

the favourite verld-class red claret adrenalin-stirring crystal kolai-wine of mule-headed, thick-skinned, voted-out sith jedi master planners of yengineering for the realm and their followers.

cultivated first in the peaty and salty dry, crusty plains of rubber estates surrounding Port Sweatenhang, the fermented juice from these dark grapes must be drunk fresh for a hair-raising experience. winery is on the verge of financial collapse with no shareholders or bidders. Email to to get at all the bald facts

cotes du vin plonk '69

cheap, very light landmark table wine sold exclusively in rivers of money plaza for the working class. blue bottle only. buy 1, free 2.

ps while stocks last & limited to all days ending with the letter ‘y’.

4th floor villa cosa nostra rip van winkle ‘08

a slow-to-mature off-white bitter-sweet somnambulistic medium-bodied old wine blended from chinese, syrian & indonesian grapes.

bottle can only be opened for consumption after 20 years.

not to be consumed on LRT’s, Nasi Kandar Restaurants and jumbo jets.

donplaypuks® with my wine & champagnes man!