The World Anthem




or 'The Gripes of Wrath' (with due apologies to our friends down under).

by sirul azilah altantuya baginda (saab), donplaypuks® intrepid corresponent for administration and maintenance of francophile and enophile (*1) affairs in paris.

Hot on the heels of news of the successful signing of the $5 billion order for submarines between Malaysia and France, there emerged breaking news of further commercial joint-ventures between French and Malaysian parties.

The Duc de Scorpeneis, speaking fom his Chatuea D’if in the south of France, announced the incorporation of Wines Internationale Nouveau Organisma or WINO in off-shore Labuan, for a joint-venture with Glocal Malaysian entrepreneur, Latok Ali Baba Kian Tee, for the world-wide distribution of made-in-Malaysia world-class wines.

Saab was able to secure copies of WINO’s international catalogue at a secret exclusive wine-tasting cum french-cuisine (frog-legs, snails, force-fed enlarged goose liver and horse-steak) bash hosted by the Duc de Scorpeneis and the Duchess de Mercedes at Labuan’s premier 6-star hotel, the Palais du Monte Cristo.

We are proud to present below WINO’s 2008 magnificent range of wines from their “Boulanger Douxain de Malaise’ special collection or ‘The Baker’s Dozen from Malaysia’.
* 1 enophile – wine lover

$5 million bottle Petrus ‘vin au coq up’08

a delicate peppery, perky, fragile youthful coffee-boy sweet pink rose fruity wine thing. special edition also available for your pet uncle and /or aunty and will be delivered by royal motor-bike courier petra@2daymalaysiaSD(sameday)services.

do not touch, fondle or remove coq. to drink, break glass at other end at 8 specially indented spots. one sip and you will swear on a stack of holy books to its astonishlingly refreshing taste and be immediately transported to heaven.

this delectable, sweet honey-dripping nectar may be consumed on any or all of overseas trips or in secret tete-a-tete high-tea frisson between 3.00 – 4.30 p.m any day.
WARNING!! MUST be consumed with green salad topped with extra virgin olive oil dressing.

chateau grande casino royale malaysia @ today

a brave full-bodied wine of pure royal blue vintage. delivered by post, wrapped in brown envelope with certicate of authenticity verified by SD.

ps bottles are stored in special underground vaults located overseas. orders may NOT be scanned or emailed via laptops. Please register on-line for invitation to free wine-tasting.

shiteau medellin la pheet '70

an exceptionally soporific and liberating sweet, dreamy, smoky grass-green concoction cloned from afghanistan, pakistan and burma varieties.

also easily available from mules at airport waiting lounges, donkeys in maximum security-protected vat vaults in ujong tanah & nine counties stations and asses in glocal burger stalls.

pending FDA/DEA approval.

mateus matthieus rose lah tongue braun ‘03

for all loyal aids of ex-premiers, ministers and mp’s. a unique light-bodied flatulent, pretentious blend of portuguese and chinese grapes. vine cuttings were originally imported from kerala on the western seaboard of south india.

a bit over-dry & bitter to the palate. over-priced for its vintage. personally recommended by self-proclaimed expert retired wine-taster contactable at sourgrapes@dilemma.ex-gov.con

dom perignon le don never pays ‘69

specially subsidised king of sparkling, bubbling beautifully bottled champagnes. at least 30% of bottles are reserved for some more equal than others.

cultivated in the directly negotiated non-tendered-out 3,000 hectares vineyards of the New Enophile Plains (NEP). last few cases only available as this year’s production has been severely curtailed by the most serious attack of vine blight in 50 years.

new orders will be accepted only after September 16th, 2008.

casa mafioso verve cliqdontalkcoq au lord lingham’s ‘08

a very corretcly, corretcly, corretcly blended spicy, chili-hot whisky-whine produced in the dungeons of Chateau Micasa Sucasa designed to burn your tongue off. cleverly concocted for those who wish to appear drunken instantly. one sip and you’ll convincingly be able to pretend to incriminate yourself & spill the beans in a drunken handphone monologue with retired Chief Shysters!!

guaranteed to induce amnesia the next day.

ps special 100% discount for all members of the auckland-zoo and lake geneva chalet judiciary alumni. go burn em video & dvd’ & wine-kit instructions for extra $1 only without prejudice.
#1 including but not limited to caveat emptor. e & eo excepted.

pinot du chet guevara ‘03

a revolutionary full-bodied red non-alcoholic wine for incumbent and retired self-proclaimed and self-appointed benevolent dictators.

prepared from blood-red grapes fermented in secret trenches and then boiled to remove all traces of alcohol and debris.

5 cc milk of magamnesia laxative added to facilitate ease of motion and loss of memory the morning after the night before for octogenarian buyers.

villa valachia eternal perwaja steal ‘08
a full-bodied fiery red with untraceable 76 million herbs forged from the juice of off-shore harvested swiss, japanese & hong kong red, purple & green grapes. leaves traces of hot furnace, carbon, rare diamonds and ashes on the tongue.

ps recipe for eternal-life herbs discontinued due to the recent demise of its inventor.

marquis de sade et buggerdeaux ‘98
an oh, so delightful conspiratorial dark-brown full-bodied and full-aroma sparkling wine variant from grapes originally grown in the Bordeaux district of France. distilled and cloned after sadistically straining the juices through the stained fabric and foam of an old confiscated mattress.

grape-juice concentrates are specially selected from vines re- planted in the foothills of Tivoli Villas
Bungsar, Rome and mixed with those found in the condominium area in the Shires District of Kuala Lumpur, i.e. Dutakennydamanshire valleys district.
certificate of origin & DNA (#1) test results issued by enophile centre at
maharthasvineyard.pondok@klER are enclosed with each case.
# 1 pending constitutional amendmend.

chardonnay shah du joy riah ‘69
a pink-white light, sweet delicate sparkling, fizzy, bubbling champagne wine to celebrate the arrest of partners in same-sex marriages, transvestite liaisons, cross-dressing parties and those involved in sex-conversion issues like the british classical dancer, barrelina joy margot fonteyn, and himalayan conqueror, sir edmund hillary clinton mcmurthy
labels personally autographed by eltons john, helen degenerate and sherpa tenzing allgay.
do not hesitate! jais whip an emial order to:
empty bottle will come in handy for bodily functions if one is arrested & remanded for hours in enforificers' trucks.
all buyers must attend mandatory counselling course conducted by ayatollah osama zarqawi in Kandybar, Afghaniranqistan.

chateau mutton rottenschild ‘08

the favourite verld-class red claret adrenalin-stirring crystal kolai-wine of mule-headed, thick-skinned, voted-out sith jedi master planners of yengineering for the realm and their followers.

cultivated first in the peaty and salty dry, crusty plains of rubber estates surrounding Port Sweatenhang, the fermented juice from these dark grapes must be drunk fresh for a hair-raising experience. winery is on the verge of financial collapse with no shareholders or bidders. Email to to get at all the bald facts

cotes du vin plonk '69

cheap, very light landmark table wine sold exclusively in rivers of money plaza for the working class. blue bottle only. buy 1, free 2.

ps while stocks last & limited to all days ending with the letter ‘y’.

4th floor villa cosa nostra rip van winkle ‘08

a slow-to-mature off-white bitter-sweet somnambulistic medium-bodied old wine blended from chinese, syrian & indonesian grapes.

bottle can only be opened for consumption after 20 years.

not to be consumed on LRT’s, Nasi Kandar Restaurants and jumbo jets.

donplaypuks® with my wine & champagnes man!




or the hand that rocks the cradle

by wcw turncoat, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for palace of the successful prince affairs

Knock! Knock!Who's there?
Come in. Ah, good morning dad.
PIH If I told you once, I told you a thousand times Cassius Sil aka Hairy Plotter the Silly, it's Pak Imam Hadhari and don call me dad.
Sil Well, PIH, what can I do you for? What's happening? What's the plan? What's the stragedy?
PIH We have your men everywhere. But that American at Nasional Petroleum is holding out. We have a foot in Nasional Treasure. However, the bloggers have alerted the whole World and so we may have to re-stragedise.
Sil Cant' we get that American at NP to resign and go quietly? Nothing in our SB little black book?
PIH No, SB and even MI have nothing on him. He's squeaky clean.
Sil Well, can't you stage-manage a few more Mohd ISA episodes. Get Magoo No Bianca from Home Science Office over will you and also this time inform I Raja Polis and I Polis Raja in advance that they are going to be the whipping boys again and that we are going to sodomise their reputation again.
PIH Good idea.
Sil That's cool. And what about this earlier than early retirement proposal? Are you trying to sabotage my plans? And that has-been Gang of 4, where did that come from?
PIH No, no. Of course not. I have to think of my daughter. They were instigated by Firaun and their front-man Grumpymopeydopeydin. But don worry. I'll delay Firaun's re-entry. He cannot use our party membership forms like toilet paper and expect to flush us down with it.
Sil Good. And that poisoned chalice we gave Rosemajibbed to move over to MoM (Ministry of Money). Any trouble there?
PIH No, he grabbed it with both hands. I sold him all that jazz about the Genghiz Khan Mongolian invasion case blowing up in his face and that $500 mil scandal over administration and facilitation contract for Baginda Perimeter Sdn. Bhd. Told him to distance himself from the Ministry of War. He fell for it like a ton of bricks.
Sil Well, now you can talk to Bush about selling us 1 of their $bil Stealth Planes. Start the ball rolling. And get the Energy boys going on that $10 bil nuclear power station. There's $ bil's to bilk there. Got it? Pay attention and don nod off? That will be all for today!
PIH Sure. But how about a break for the fasting season?
Sil Not now. We have too many fires to fight. And I did say that's all for now?
PIH Sorry. Thank you. Bye.
Knock! Knock!
Whose there?
Come in. Ah, Good morning Rosemajibbed.
Rose If I told you once, I told you a thousand times. It's Commander In Chief Rosemajibbed to you, dammit. Tenn Hutt. Stand to attention in my presence and address me as 'Sir.'
Sil Sit down Rose. You are not in charge of the Ministry of War anymore. So, what's happening? What's the plan? What's the stragedy?
Rose Hold on young fellar! I only took over from MoM yesterday. I need at least a week to get a firm grip on things at MoM. They have scheduled a meeting in a resort at a nearby country in this region to throughly review PIH's budget and development stragedies. You know, we need to get away from all the politics so we can really think creatively.
Sil Oh! Where exactly? Why wasn't I informed? How many?
Rose Ge(cough, cough)ne(cough,cough)va(cough, cough). One(cough,cough)hund(cough,cough)red strong delegation.
Sil Wives included, with a stop-over at Oxford St & Harrods to study latest retail trends in the London region, I suppose?
Rose Yes, my No.2, Forexloosecannon has organised it all, you know, the genius ex-forex trader who hit Nat Central Bang for $6 bil consecutive sixes? You joining us?
Sil Yes, include me out. I'm too busy with transition plans.
Rose What transition plans? Shouldn't you discuss it with me since PIH has nominated me as the Alibabaji-elect to succeed him in 2010 or (cough,cough) God(cough,cough) willing early..mbfxlas!
Sil What? Don't mumble. Squeak up will you as trained by Firaun.
Rose Transition plans.
Sil Don worry about that. After all we agreed to save your ass over that Genghiz Khan Mongolian invasion. It's a done deal. You will be free by end of 31st October.
Rose That's wonderful. That's mean we can concentrate on party elections in December.
Sil Don worry about that. Just keep your nose clean and your wife on a tight leash. Comprendo?
Rose Oh sure. She just loves London & Geneva. And Italian leather leash!
Sil Well, that will be all for now. Dismissed!
Rose Tenn Hutt!
Sil Oh, stuff that crap. Just bugger off will you!
Who's there?
Ah, Magoo Jagger No Bianca. Come in.
Magoo Look, if I told you once, I told you a thousand times. It's Side, not Magoo. And your joke about Bianca is getting old oreddy. After all it was a win-win result. So, can we be civil?
Sil Shut up, baldy. I'll call you what I like. Never in the history of human interourse has one Jedi Master Planner of The Realm screwed things up as much as you have in such a short time. Only you could have managed to move from being the most detested Master Planner for War to Master Planner for Embassies to being the most detested Master Planner for Home Science. You have done even better than Hercules. Zero to sub-zero to absolute zero in one leap.

And how was it win-win? They got the island and we got fcuking rocks smaller than your goolies. The Hells Angels sultan is after your arse, do you know? Anyway, what's happening? What's the plan. What's the stragedy?
Magoo Well, I have that Petra fellow Mohd ISA'd at Kamunting lock-up. Ha, ha!
Sil What's there to laugh at you fool! Only last week you said there would be no further Mohd ISA arrests. And then you back-track on it straight away? You have signed your own political death-warrant, do you realise that? Locking up a fellow Muslim during Ramadan. Do you have anything left in that skull of yours?
Magoo Just following the precedent set by your dad, PIH.
Sil Shut up, you idiot! He's not my dad and you'd better remember that if you don want to spend the holidays in Kamunting courtesy of Mohd. ISA!
Magoo You wouldn't dare!
Sil I don have to dare anything. I Raja Polis is after your corpulent butt for leaving them out to dry. They might lock you up 'for your own protection and safety' as it were!
Magoo You think? Maybe I should plan for a tour of maximum security lock-ups in the region - Guantanmo Bay, Alcatraz, Sin Sin in USA. A 200 strong delegation with wives and a stop-over at Paris, France to study latest trends in grape cultivation and other agricultural techniques.
Sil You'll be lucky if the USA gives you a Visa to allow you to visit your own home toilet! Just lie low and keep you motor-mouth shut and your signing finger up your anal-retentive bung. Dismissed!
Magoo Sorry. Bye.
Sil Good God! Is that 10 a.m. oreddy. Gosh that's a hard days work. Off now back home for a good cup of tea and nookie, er no, I mean cookie, er no I mean, biscuit. Er no, forgot. Nothing. Not even dog food. Must fast. If only the peasants knew how I have to slog for a living.
Thus ends another strenuous, stressful day for the richest unemployed/unemployable man in the country.
donplaypuks® with my palace of the successful prince , man!



'MoM, I Love You'
where the money really is

by col ollie south, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for military espionage affairs

'Yang ling, is it a promotion or demotion? I don thrust that lizard-eyed, hawk-nosed Rip Van Winkle!' screamed Mrs. Rosemajibbed, as her nails were being painted and the receding forehead artfully covered with the fringe from her perm and military-issue Estee Money Launder camouflage dye, foundation and cosmetics.

'Promotion of course, yang! Just in thime for Hari Raya too. I can pay a visit to MoM and do a collection for charity' boomed Chief In Command (not for long anymore) 6-Star General Rosemajibbed.

'Yang ling, but we did that with mother-in-law last year! Can we skip it? I Bosan oreddy. Let's head for somewhere really cool and romantic, like Paris or Venice? After all, you work so hard and really, really deserve it.

Howzabout a simple $1 mil research cum visit trip to study new Agricultural techniques in France and Italy, sponsored by Bintulu Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) or Politicians' Wives Charity Fund? And don give me any really moronic suggestion like going to Thighwan or Hong Kong. I then really sekali ped up, man' pouted Mrs. R.

'Yang, I mean to the Ministry of Money (MoM) as the Sith Jedi Master Planner of the Realm for Money. Anyway, we are all on full max Defcon 10 alert. The situation is critical. So, no holiday. We can't go overseas now!' shot back a dejected Rosemajibbed.

'Yang ling, you sure you want to move from the Ministry of War to MoM? There may be new contracts at MoW to oversee for $bil NS training camps and equipment, Russian AK47-Kalashnikovs and American M-16,21 & 25 combat rifles fitted with night-vision telescopes, Abraham battle tanks, night-scope goggles, Scorpeneis subramines, Sukhoi Jets or state-of-the-art Eurocopters and Stealth Warplanes' protested Mrs.R.

'Shows you've been concentrating on the low end contracts and the cheap bunco-artist's game, yang' puffed Rasemajibbed, as he mounted his treadmill for the evening work-out.

'Yang ling, whatever are you blabbing about?' posed a puzzled Mrs. R, as she dismissed her team of Estee Money Launder consultants, switched on the $100K Bose Karaoke System and reached for the solid 916 gold non-slip uni-directional microphone.

'Yang, can you stop thinking of spending and start saving? Let me list out for you from the top of my balding head some of MoM's achievements over the last 30 years:

1. Rescue of Bang Prince of the Earth - $3 bil (3 occassions)
2. National Central Bang Forex Trading Losses - $ 6 bil (some say $12 bil, some $30 bil). The man directly responsible, ForexLooseCannon will be my No.2. How lucky can you get!
3. Iron & Steal Scrap Metal Venture Factory - $6 bil (conservative estimate)
4. Last rescue of Mana Ada System Airlines - $ 2 bil
5. Rescue of RoadMudaDisunitedGameOverEngineers Plc - $4 bil
6. Portsweatinghangemhigh Free Warehouse Land Trade Centre - $4 bil (meter is still running)
Time@eternal.loss.con -$ 2 bil
8. Rescue of Firaun's son's Kapaltenggelam Plc - $2 bil
9. Space Training & Tourism - $1.2 bil
10. Investment in high tech incubator co written-off- $1/2 bil
11. Investment in Alpha Prodana Motors - $10 bil at least
12. Rescue of Alpha Prodana Motors - $2 bil
13. East Coast oil royalty re-spent - $4 bil, and more.'

'Yang ling, why the hell then have you been with this 'yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir' bunch of losers MoW all these years. No one's ever going to invade us. Are you telling me I've been married to the wrong politician all this time? Hmmph, maybe I should have gone to the Mufti about that alleged fling you had with that alleged slut allegedly in Port Dickson!' she flung at him, while fiddling with the knobs for 'Biduan,' her favourite karaoke number.

'Don be stupid yang, we are a team. You think you would have done betther with Imam Hadhari or Grumpymopeydopeydin or god-forbid, Sir Abim Obasama?' laughed Rosemajibbed.

'Yang ling, don make fun of me like dat. We mas stragedise as a team. Save for our retirement. We complement each other like two peas in a petai pod!' pacified Mrs.R.

'That's very romantic, yang. That's the you I love. In that case, listen up! Get MI to investigate and make a dossier of all the Federal Govt $bil projects proposed by Firaun & shelved by Rip. Get me a list of all Public Listed Companies in trouble or would be in trouble if we pull the plug. Check-out AuntyMay Bang Plc which is having a major problem with their grossly over-valued acquisition and possible loss of $1/2 bil, in Indonesia.

Sound out the architects for a $bil new HQ for National Central Bang & Managers of Money in Palace of the Successful Prince. Get cracking, you hear!!' ordered Rosemajibbed, growing in confidence with each word.'

'Yang ling, I shy shy thu look at you when you thalk like that. I thremble when you speaking in that commanding thone' whispered Mrs.R in a husky voice, as she dropped the mike and stretched out demurely on a $50K Italian leather couch.

'Yang, I'll make the USA Fed's $tril rescue of Fannie Mae & Freddy Mac and $85 bil bail-out of AIG look like a tsunami in a piggy bank. Yang, you have truly inspired me. You have stirred up all my energies to go out and conquer the World. This will be the greatest challenge of my career, one that will make or break me!!'

'Yang ling, something else seems to be stirring after that treadmill work-out and that masterly performance just now' trilled an archingly coy Mrs.R, as she fluttered her eyelids at his round ketupat-packed pecs and buns.

'At Ease!!' lashed out the General, as his gaze wandered lower down. 'But first yang, let's switch on RTUFO2 Telly. Turn the volume up. What's on?' queried Rosemajibbed as he sauntered to the couch.

'Yang ling, it's a P.Ramli classic, Ali Baba Bujang Lapok. Another repeat,' answered an expectant Mrs.R.

'That's the 100th continuous repeat in 100 days isn't it? A new entry in the Genius Book of Records, perhaps? Remind me to sack the CEO and Programming Head for RTUFO2 Telly will you, yang?' barked out Rosemajibbed as he made himself comfortable on the couch, next to Mrs.R.

'Yang ling, what about Sir Abim Obasama and 916.'

'Yang, I'm afraid three's a crowd. And besides, Sighful claims Obasama swings both ways, and I've no inclination to test that hypothesis out on my buns!! Lights out!! Tenn Hutt! Dari kiri, chepat...!

File Ref: MMVIII (EMIR 1 19/09/08).

donplaypuks with my mom, man!!


report prepared by lion city spy, kali mali mangkali, agent 007.50, licensed to kill and/or steal from bodies dead or alive. preferred drink - the James Bond dry martini or 'The Vesper', shaken, not stirred! Recipe for 'The Vesper' martini:
1 cocktail shaker. add:
3 measures of Gordon's gin
1 measure of vodka
1/2 measure of Kina Lillet (not vermouth, but wine with quinine !)
generous portion of ice-cubes
shake mix well until ice-cold
pour mix into a deep champagne goblet
add 1 large slice of lemon peel

manglish/malay dictionary:
bosan - bored

bang - bank
don - don't
dat - that
dari kiri, chepat - army marching command 'from the left, quick

defcon - USA national security alert
ketupat - local sticky rice cake wrapped in coconut leaf and served with satay
ling - local abbreviation for darling
mas - must
oreddy - all ready
petai - a pungent legume said to have aprhodisiac value, favoured by locals
p.ramli - great, versatile malay actor, composer, producer and singer/musician of the 50's
sekali ped up - at once fed up
stragedy - tragic strategy
tenn-hutt - american army command for stand to attention
thalk - talk
thighwan - Taiwan
thime - time
thone - tone
thremble - tremble
thrust - trust
yang - local abbreviation for sayang or love/darling



'before the night is over one amongst you shall betray me!'
'you can check-out anytime you like, but you can never leave!'

(click on pic for enlarged view)

by eagle g.frey, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for hotel stone caves affairs.

Alibabaji and his 43 Warlord-Thieves (WT), together with a smattering of elite Mandarins, top 300 I Polis Raja and Judges for yourself were all arrested on the morning of September 16th, on the clear, unequivocal instructions of the new Minister for Home Affairs, Petra Raja SD, on the stroke of morning prayers.

In local parlance, they were Mohd ISA'd under Section 73(1) of the Act. The arrestees were read their rights and clearly notified they were to be incarcerated indefinitely at Kamunting Lock-up 'for their own safety' as police reports of 'extreme danger prejudicial to their lives' had been made all over the Nation.

A shocked Nation and World woke up to their breakfast TV news, with the sight of Petra Raja SD flanked by the all new line-up of Minister for Law Sivaji Raja, AG Haris P.Parliament Raja and the new CJ, the Right Honourable Hishamuddin Y.Raja, as they presented the facts of the case about the birth of a new dawn to a half-expectant Nation. A Ghandhianesque non-violent, peaceful transformation had been engineered. A Nation breathed a sigh of relief!

But how had the impossible been transformed to become the possible? Not that the People HAD NOT been forewarned.

But slowly, the details emerged in bits and pieces and trickles from the 'Behind Open Doors' inquiries held by the Royal Special Democracy Commission and from Statutory Declarations (SD's) posted in the most popular on-line blog-site, MalaysiaYesterday and from reports leaked to on-line newspaper malaysiasoros@.con.

To understand the revolution that had taken place, donplaypuks® had to reach far & wide to its network of investigative reporters and informers to piece together the complete story of 'The Last Scupper.' Now read & weep, with joy!:-


In the end they were undone by their own thievery. Had the $100 mil Bose state-of-the-art PA System been functioning properly, they would have had an early alert of their impending arrest, and possibly escaped. However, the directly-negotiated non-tendered out contract for the PA system had earlier been awarded to a Croney, who had promptly sub-conned it (unknowingly) to a PRC bogus electronics set up - Shandung-Marconi RCA Valves & Tubes - which had quoted a mere $1 mil for the whole kaboodle, including, installation, testing and commissioning. The local Certificate of Fitness (CF) had been issued even before the crates of 'Maded in PRC' equipment arrived.

Then ex-Supreumno & ex-WT of Sell-Out-All-State, Japo-Peruvian Fujimori Toyota had dismissed allegations of misdeeds and financial irregularities over the Bose equipment fiasco. He then leaked to the MSM that it was all stirred up by racist MP for Pure White County, Mad-as-Hell Teresa, who was promptly arrested (Mohd ISA'd, Section 73/1) by I Polis Raja SB prior to any formal investigations, for her own safety and well-being. But they had their ears to the ground and KNEW that this was exactly the kind of thing that could foment racial riots, and so had moved in to nip it in the bud, such fanatical, righteous believers were they in George Bush's philosophy of pre-emptive strike!

But we digress. Let's cut to the chase.

Late on the night of the 15th of September, a chauffer-driven August issue Prodana Limo shudderd along on a dark desert highway, obviously tolled, leading to the hills of Dutakennybigbangdamanshire or The Shires at 200 kph, the driver oblivious to the speed limit of 110 kph. You could tell the Prodana was a brand-new August model from the flapping boot-door and the inextinguishable right-turn signal light. Alibabaji manually wound down the windows to get a blast of relief-giving cool wind in his hair, to mitigate the air-con which for a reason he could not quite put his finger on, was hurricaning warm, humid air!

As they came to a stop outside the once magical door of the Stone Caves, which no longer opened or closed to the whisper of 'Open D Tap Once More Time Again Lah, Brudder' or 'Close D Tap Once More Time Again Lah, Brudder', Alibabaji caught a whiff of the warm smell of chapatis and roti chanais rising up through the air, via the open car-windows. Waves of nostalgia and longing assaulted him. Aah, he sighed, that must be Wigs, ex-WT & Leader of Kesatuan Alam Liga India Neopolitikachicken Arya (KALINGA), cooking up a storm. He salivated as he fantasized about the special tharka dhal, chicken vindaloo and goathead curry with ginger to prevent flatulence, as discovered in ancient times and now promoted by Wig's newly founded MAIMS (Magical Ayurvedic Institute for Medicines & Sthethescopes) University & College.

As he alighted from the car, he saw up ahead in the distance a shimmering light glancing off the $1b Krisistal Palace of Worship in the hills, reflected off a shower of glass! His head grew heavy, and his sight grew dim from the dazzling display as he wondered who got that contract. He knew he had to stop for the night here for the Party of all Parties. The WT's had come from far and wide, including the East.

There she stood in the doorway, in a splayed-on figure-concealing Nubian-black Dior raw-cotton gunny-sack, covered from head to toe, with openings for eyes and nostrils only, as desirable a blob of misshapen lump as any a Sheikh would lust for and sell his camel's soul off to own. He was not sure, as he heard the mission bell, and was thinking to himself that this could be heaven or this could be hell, as she lit up the candle and showed him the way. Hell, was it a she, he or it underneath, he really could not tell. But as they progressed to the great Cavern Hall, there were voices down the corridor and he thought he heard them say 'Wecome to the Hotel Stone Caves...what a lovely place, what a lovely face, if only I could peek at it...'

As soon as he entered, there erupted a massive roar as all the WT's, CT's, Mandarins, I Polis Raja, Judges for yourself and thousands of special guests and their trophy-wives, mistresses or girl/boy/it-friends greeted him. There were mirrors on the ceiling and non-alcoholic pink champagne on ice. Oh, how they danced in the courtyard, some flashing $50 thou Tiffany-twisted diamond rings and $160 thou Patek Philippe & Jaegar Leoultre bejewelled watches, while others did the conga round their Mercedes Benz Kompressors. They, the pretty, pretty boys like Sighful did not care a damn about the sweet fragrance of summer sweat. Some danced to remember and some danced to forget!

So he called up the Captain to bring him his whine.' No more directly-negotiated contracts, no more baksheesh! It's the end of the world for us! We haven't had that same spirit here since 1969,' he growled. So, he left him alone, clearly a prisoner of his own device.

'Aah Chief In Command and Alibabaji-elect, there you are,' he greeted 6-Star General Rosemajibbed. "Come close to me. Be forewarned, before the night is over, one amongst you shall betray me!' whispered Alibabaji.

'Shock, horror! No! Not a Jewish Zionist-type conspiratorial Judas among us! Never!' fibbed Rosemajibbed,'Tell me whom you suspect, and I shall have him Mohd ISA'd for his own safety!'

'No, no, I appreciate your loyalty, but it's ok. Let the games be played, let nature takes its own course.'

But he was hungry and wandered over to the halal no-see ham (cockles) char kway teow stall, where ex-WT for Traffic & Transport Jams & Badminton, Lin Dan Dar Ling, was doing his special flambe kway teow with chicken under grass, ably assisted by his heir, Dr.Lin HeaLing. Hea Ling had an entry in the Genius Book of Records as the only Biologist to have done a dawn raid on the KL Casino Exchange by taking over a baker's dozen (13) of Plc's with no prior experience in business whatsoever or cash at all. He had been immediately garlanded as Entrepreneur of the Century and within a year had succeeded in folding up all 13 Plc's and exiting with several hundred $mil in compensation. Lin Sr, otherwise knows as QuickYellow Death, had, in a short period of time following his premature retirement, eminently succeeding in overseeing the near demise of a couple of Plc's where he provided inspiring sonorous leadership of the horizontal kind. He also had a hand in issuing illegal very friendly letters of support for $4b (meter is still running) Free Warehouse Land Trade Centre in Portsweatinghangemhigh!

Alibabaji next waddled over to Wigs Yindian Food Stall. 'Is it ready yet?' he queried.

'Coming, coming, saab. Wall's ready yexepting the mutton varuval & goathead curry. The Sighfool yassistant chef did not marinate it. So, ve had to scour yit and hammer yit to soften yit. Yalso, ve stabbed the beast with our steely knives. Soon, ve can gather in the Master's Chamber of Food Hall and taste the finger-licking good stuff,' he enthused.

And boy, did they dance, sing, do their thang and karaoke till the wee hours of the morning, or did they!! There was Mrs. Rosemajibbed who launched off-key as usual into her repertoire of glorious 1950's hits as rats, even though engorged on the fat of the land for 50 years, threw themselves at the mouse-traps. Octogenarian WT's broke wind loudly, involuntarily. Why, Rosemajibbed even did his funky-chicken-in-scorpeneis submarine Mongolian break-dance routine, while Wigs, Firaun and Lin Dan Dar Ling broke into an impromptu Bhangra boogaloo all freak out chapatti flap-shake-heads-about. Even Alibabaji joined in with his Shalamar-like robotic sleep-walk-flip-flop-under-strobe lights disco number. MJ, eat your heart out!

And as the night wore on, they gathered in smaller groups here and there, where the raconteurs and wits had the others in fits as they regaled them with oft-repeated episodes from the ancient 1001 nights tall stories. Alibabaji caught snatches of these great tall story-tellings as he wandered from group to group:-

WT Maha Firaun - ...the sultan ordered me to sack...I had no $mil compensations to these...judge for yourself..slap in the face...RC...hung out to dry by mere possibilities...Ops Lallang 106 Mohd ISA arrests...apanama...not my fault...I forget...

WT rAPfire woman - female member for Kachek Ka'timah International Traders...why pick on me...everyone's son and uncle were given...and I deserve an Oscar at least for my crying scene with Firaun in Act 2, Scene2...

WT Grumpymopeydopeydin - male member for Ermenidildozena Cosa Nostra and an honest politician...dammnit, there is no contradiction...I speak...only the absolute truth...I agreed's not a u-turn, no way...the People know there is no rumour to the truth...

WT Kerismudin - male member for idiots guide to learning science & matrix maths...krisis waving...racial supremacy...apologise...if, but, maybe...misunderstood...zionist plotters...

WT Don Empty Suitcase - male member for Batang Kali Dua Unregistered Moneylenders & Forex Traders...I can't speak a word of english...oztralia...$30 mil...was peanuts...

WT male member for Flag Hill Bandits, Don Artificial Intelligence -...chinese squatters...quoted out of kontex...historical facts...shoot the informer...

WT Fujimori Toyota ex-male member for Long River Java Immigrant Racketeers-...that's mean komen...let them investigate...deny land allocation in Black Forest Hills...

WT Magoo Jagger No Bianca - male member for Tall Nuts Pirates and WT for Home Science....I am only a WT...the home science office cannot question the cops...I don't know who gave the Mohd ISA's not my job...

And so the revelry continued until at the exact second of the morning prayers the whole Stone Caves shook with the sound of explosions and shattering glass from the windows, and doors blew off their hinges. Almost as if by divine timing! Hundreds of men clad in ninja and SAS-type black combat uniforms descended on ropes and pulleys from the gaping ceiling while more hurled themselves throughthe windows and doors, firing tear gas shells and rubber bullets. These were the dreaded Ultra Secret, Mobile Alert Terror Infantry (MATI) who were usually deployed in covert operations against Terrorists.

You could tell that some were also from the High IQ, feared volunteer-elite RELA-X group who possessed menacing shot-guns that were sawn-off at the handle end and the barrels were facing themselves!! The WT's tried to run for their lives hither and thither, but were too obese from years of over-conspicuous consumption and could only move at walking speed. All were collared before they could advance a foot and flee to the safety of non-extraditable rogue African and S.American nations and off-shore tax havens. They were packed into trucks and handed empty plastic bottles for the long journey.

The last thing Alibbaji remembered, he was running (waddling) for the door. He had to find a passage back to the place he was before. To the Palace of the Successful Prince. Why were there no messages or communication from 4th Floor?

'Relax,' said a familiar madman-like voice in a Nubian-black Dior raw-cotton gunny-sack that covered him completely from head to toe making him as desirable a blob of misshapen lump as any a passing Sheikh would lust for and sell his camel's soul off to own, as he dashed past Alibabaji. It was none other than Cassius Sil aka Hairy Plotter the Silly. 'Don worry. You.. are...all...programmed... to...receive... the best attention at Kamunting Lock-up. You will all be Mohd ISA'd there for your own physical safety and well-being FOR LIFE. Very thoughtful and considerate of them.'

'Yes, that's right Sil, absolutely right. After all, we made the rules and enforced it for 50 years,' they all screamed and moaned! All together now:

'You can check-out anytime you like, but you can NEVER leave !!.'

Tadadadadadadadamn, tadadadadadadadamn! tadadaddadamn......

donplaypuks® with my hotel, man!



or 'brudder, can you count?'

"You can Check-out anytime, but you can never leave' will be posted at 7 a.m. September 16th!! Don forget to log in!!"

by sheh heh heh radze burton, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for 1,001 nights affairs

The mentally sapped, bone and battle-weary, exhausted 40 Warlord-Thieves (WT’s) arrived in their latest chauffer-driven Prodanas and flip-flopped down willy-nilly in the high-back plush Italian-leather chairs around the Wooden Cabinet in that famous Stone Caves of wonders.

Even though they were parked around the concealed Stone Caves, in the shadows of the old oak trees with yellow ribbons tied round them, you could tell they were brand-new August 2008 model Prodana cars. The ‘10th engine and gear-box service due earlier of September 16th or 1,000km’ stickers displayed proudly in one corner of the windscreens were dead giveaways. Except for the WT’s from the East, who arrived in their Mercedes Kompressors, forced upon them despite their numerous protests. They had dutifully and conscientiously taken the precaution of providing a free ride to visiting foreign dignitaries hitch-hiking to the Capital!

Was it only 27 years, surely not? Gosh how time flies when you are having fun. But, these were not the best of times. The members of the Wooden Cabinet knew the krisis was literally at their door-step. September 16th was but a week away. And they had no solutions or stragedies to defeat Sir Asim Obasama’s attack on their New Deal Agriculture Bill, which if defeated in the House of $500 mil Repairs Leaking Caverns, would lead to wide-spread revolt and termination with extreme prejudice of the permanent kind for Alibabaji & his Kingdom of 40 Thieves.

No magic lamp and a genie to wish away all their ills. Not even a magic carpet to flee the marauding, watchful and vigilant snipers and opponents or the Oso Corrup Assoc. Even the judges who were once world-renown for their determination not to be bought by money alone seemed to have reformed and found new strength and feet.

Not so long ago, 27 years to be exact, Alibabaji The First had discovered the secret magical incantations in the famous hills of Dutakennybigbangdamanshires or the Shires, while wondering around in a state of constant and acute dilemma. He had always been regarded as being of the anal-retentive ilk by his fellow traders. But, he had seized his opportunity when it came. Carpe Diem indeed!!

All you had to do was stand in front of that magic Stone Caves and whisper the secret mantra,
‘Open D Tap Once More Time Again Lah, Brudder’
and out would flow an unending gush, no torrent, of Directly-Negotiated Non-Tendered Out EMU (EconomicMsplanningUnit@extra-gov.con ) Contracts.

$1b contract for Crooked Bridge To Nowhere Over Troubled Waters that did not even require detailed drawings. $300 mil contracts for Keposayang Bridge Over Troubled Highways that could be assembled with Horse Brand Super Glue. Contracts for $8b Bunkum Damns that were not even half-completed and cost-overruns were another $6b already. $1b contract for Krisistal Palaces of Worship reflected in a shower of glass. Brilliant $1b Long-Term Contracts for Regattas, sunk by a monsoon in a tea-cup and abandoned the following year. $6b contract for Iron & Steal scrap-metal biz. $b’s more for buses that don’t run, areoplanes that don’t fly, submarines that don’t sink or surface and double-tracks with no trains. And free-trade zone warehouses where no one trades, $2b & 3 b highways and power stations that cost 1/2 or 1/3 elsewhere. Not to mention the only known system of AP's in the world, where the holder could realise 100% Gross Profit on his Sales!! It was never-ending, or so it seemed.

A man’s reach could literally, easily, exceed his grasp when in possession of such a Contract, and boldly go where no man has gone before, to infinity and beyond to afford a 2nd or even 3rd tv newscaster, actress, diva or chanteuse trophy-wife by the simple expediency of a quick dash to South Thailand. And perhaps even later slyly tearing up the illegal marriage certificate to file for divorce & preserve wealth after enjoying a thrilling duku (fruitful knock) or ten at the drop-dead sexy & beautiful ladie's expense, leaving her stranded with the baby and the bathwater! Why, such wicked, evil behaviour was regarded, even admired locally, as chutzpah. It was often a pre-requisite for the assured elevation of WT's to some of the highest Public offices in the glorious Kingdom of Alibabaji & The 40 Thieves.

But, the WT’s really cared for those under their stewardship. They took their fiduciary duties seriously. Cries of ‘We are right behind you People. Tighten your belts and change your life-style. Be prudent. Economise now to defeat the beast of inflation for a better future for your children and your childrens' children!’ often rent the air very frequently in the haze and peat-fire smog-filled atmosphere of the Palace of the Successful Prince, especially from the 4th floor of it and below.

And when you had enough for the moment, all you had to do was whisper the secret mantra,
Close D Tap Once More Time Again Lah, Brudder.’

But then something went awry. Lately, the Stone Caves would NOT cough up to the magic words and would NOT shut or deliver contracts. They had tried everything. Halal certified Super Roller-grease, new ball-bearings (@ $1,000 per as disclosed by the Auditor General), C4 dynamite and prayers conducted by the Joint Consultative Religious Council for Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Sikhism, Taoism, Islam, Jainism, Judaism & Sai Babajism. Nothing worked. Even a loud threat to turn the Caves into a 6-STAR International Standard Heritage Hotel Twinned To Cultural Centre in Jalan TAR, elicited only utter silence. It was as though the camel’s back had finally been broken.

Eventually, the Stone Caves was Privatised to a Croney-owned $2 private company for $2 (all paid in shares with the Govt holding 1 Golden Share) with the specific caveat in the freehold title deed that ‘The Caves and the surrounding 1,000 acres of prime oak forest shall be utilised for tourism and tourist-related purposes only.’ The Croney promptly cleared most of the precious forest and sold the oak trees for $1/2b. After that, he embarked on disastrous hill-slope Condominium projects, resulting in massive land-slides and damaging flash floods throughout the Shires. The Croney then came up with a $2b proposal for a 30-year toll concession for the subterranean Flood Alleviation cum Reduction of Traffic Tunnel (FARTT). It was touted as 'being capable, pari passu (all things being equal)' of resolving the City's flood problems, when in actual fact it could at best mitigate 40% of it 'pari passu.' The project was promptly approved and hailed as a World's 1st with an appropriate listing in the Genius Book of Records.

The present Alibabaji was finally forced to bail-out the Stone Caves in the National Interest when the Croney next came up with a no-no proposal sketched hastily on the back of an envelope to develope the entire caves zone into a Las Vegas/Monaco/Macao-style Casino & Resort, aptly named Casiresortopolice! This was a sure-fired scheme guaranteed to lose Muslim votes at the next General Elections. Of course, it was all equitably settled with $2b cash compensation paid to the Croney for work-not-in-progress & suspended and the main cavern converted into Alibabaji's Kem Daud Think Tank Retreat. Another $1b had to be allotted, to tastefully re-furbish the interior (contract awarded to Cassius Sil’s Croneys) and beef up security (contract awarded to Rosemajibbed’s Croney). Such a stickler for justice and fair-play was our Alibabaji! Just, to a fault!

If an ill wind blows no good, then the Winds of Change blowing over the Kingdom of Alibabaji and his 40 Warlord-Thieves forebode trouble – Big Time!

Unbeknownst to the 40 WT’s were two more who were viewing the whole proceedings by CCTV from an adjacent, smaller, secret cave. They had clandistinely been indoctrinated into the WT cabal by Alibabaji and were none other than Cassius Sil (aka Hairy Plotter the Silly), Alibabaji’s Havoxbridge triple-degree holder PA and his constant companion, the half-Hindu, half-Christian Lion City spy 007.50, Harry Kali Mangkali, Chairman of gaji-buta (sinecure) Plc, Ecumenical Centre for the Masses of Libran Astrologers. Harry, who drank only non-alcoholic Martini, shaken, but not stirred, was licensed to kill AND/OR steal, from bodies dead or alive! Cassius Sil had lean and hungry looks and was constantly threatening to bury his opponents permanently!

‘Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, I call the meeting to order. They can start serving teh tarik, roti chanai, nasi lemak, rojak, chendol, laksa and Pasembur now. Rosemajibbed, what’s the plan? Any solutions? I’ve already announced my resignation. As Alibabaji-elect, it’s your call,’ quipped cheerfully an upbeat Pak Imam Hadhari aka Rip Van Winkle. Rip was sometimes cruelly mocked by wicked Chinese as 'Rip's Wan Wrinkled' as an answer to the riddle 'Who is the author of the famous Chinese Classic Novel 'Why Emperor Rip Has No Successor.' Of course this must take 2nd place to that other all-time no.1 Chinese Classic by Wan Hung Lo - 'Hernia!' And Rip was known to have Chinese DNA from his maternal grandfather from China!

‘Thank you’ whispered (he had noted how universally admired Don Corleone Marlon Brando was with this style of speaking in 'The Godfather') Chief in Command Rosemajibbed. I have consulted Sw(cough, cough) ami(cough, cough)ji Beeji(cough, cough). The stars are in our favour as are the actresses in Port Dickson. So, we have to move at full, break-neck speed.

I have a sooper stragedy to thwart Sir Abim Obasama’s plans to topple our Kingdom of WT’s. It’s called Ops Sikat Thighpay 1001-Floors Tall Story Skyscraper Everise Erection. I will be assisted by an eminently qualified Latok Captain Thief who is currently seconded to our Bintulu Broadcasting Corporation (BBC). He is none other than Latok CT SinKing Moh, who was also a major investor in the $4b (meter is still running) done-deal Free Warehouse Land Trade Centre in Portsweatinghangemhigh. The BBC had done excellent work for their overseas counterpart, BBC UK, with a sensational GongsiRayaDeepa Discovery Special titled Do Frogs & Toads Leap Below or Above The Wind?’

‘Ah then, SinKing Moh’s done us in on a $4b deal. One of us. Eminently qualified!’ chanted the chorus as Alibabaji and the 39 WT’s murmurred as one.

‘Fcuking bloody hell, how did SinKing Moh achieve such outstanding results under our very noses? Take notes Harry Kali Mangkali! We will have him interrogated later by I Polis Raja and make him sing like a canary!’ swore a shaken AND stirred Cassius Sil.

‘The plan is simple. SinKing Moh will lead a team of 41 Captain Thief’s to Thighpay, Thighwan. They will spend their thighme in gainful employment studying how rice, vegetables and fruits can be cultivated in a completely solar-powered but otherwise artificial environment in a 1001-Floors Tall Story Skyscraper Everise Erection. Thighwan has the leading technology in the world for such tall story erections. Also, in view of unpredictable and changing climates, shortage of suitable land and high cost of labour, we need to look at not necessarily cheaper, but more economical alternatives to traditional agricultural cultivation methods.

With state-of-the-art solar radiation technology and new cross-breeding techniques applied with missionary zeal we will secure never before achieved record high yield throughputs & seed emissions. This will enable our WT's to penetrate export markets which are in the vice-like grips of cartels operating from East Asian countries like Thighwan,’ continued Rosemajibbed.

'Any rumour to the truth that it is a cover for belly-dancing junkets and visits to 3-way Shiatsu-Swedish-Thai houses of spas, nightclubs and ill-repute ?' barked the unapolegetic, obstinate member for Flag Hill Bandits, Latok Don It Rains But Never Porr Nohmore Smiles Suspended.

'Absolutely!' barked back Rosemajibbed.

Not necessarily cheaper, but more economical. Thats mean....?’ buzzed the chorus.

‘Thats mean $tril non-sodo mee noodles for tall story erection, based on very preliminary back-of-the-envelope calculations. Of course, excluding Architectural Master Plan & drawings, which may not be necessary. We’ll see, but lots of directly-negotiated Contracts,’ beamed Rosemajibbed.

Lots of Directly-Negotiated Non-Tendered Out EMU (EconomicMsplanningUnit@extra-gov.con ) Contracts!!’ thrummed back the chorus as they thumped the Wooden Cabinet and nudged and winked at each other, so chuffed up were they.

‘So, assuming we are not negatively disposed, and so as not to put too fine a point on it, what are Sinking Moh and the 41 BBC members’ expectations as loyal members of the Kindom of Alibabaji?’ posed Alibabaji.

‘All expenses paid plus half a mil for each of the 41 plus 2 mil and a cut of Directly-Negotiated Non-Tendered Out EMU Contracts for SinKing Moh . Total damage – rounded up to $25 mil non-sodo mee noodles including advance for condoms,, I mean, serviced condominium - vs gains of $1 tril non-sodo mee noodles in Contracts. The bonus is, of course, our BBC members being so well informed, will counter all of Sir Asim Obama's attacks on the New Deal Agriculture Bill debate. The Bill will be passed and Sir Abim cannot topple us on the 16th of September. QED.

QED Master Einstein Machiavelli. A dirt-cheap solution! Who pays? Thighpays!’ thundered the chorus as they rose as one in standing ovation, 'Bravo! Bravo!’ the chorus cheered.

‘Oh, and I take it we have no objection to indoctrinating SinKing Moh as our 43rd WT?’ said Rosemajibbed, still smiling and basking in the warmth of the adoring chorus of WT’s.

A hushed silence descended on the august gathering of WT’s as they collapsed in stunned stupefaction in their chairs. The old-warhorse WT member for Kok Lanun Highway Robbers, Latok Don Mata Kambing stood up in brave defiance with cup of tongkat ali tea still in hand, calling for a Point of Order. ‘Hrrrmph, I think thats mean the 41st WT, don you?’

I means 43rd. I stand my ground!’ shot back Rosemajibbed.

41st, damnitwit! Don play puks with us, you hear?’ joined in WT Latok Don Dick Tajam Qutubhudheen Ali Pitchay Rawther, member for Batang Berjuntai Chapter of the Mamak Gang, upset at being interrupted from laying into his plate of Nasi Kandar special from Dawood in Pearl Orient Island.

'Hear, hear! This is a meaningful discussion. At least we are squeaking up for the 1st time' pipped WT Latok Don Tai Khor Kaviasithardkaurass, ex-member for Heavenly QBB Gheehin Triad Kingdom of Great Piss & Jade Gate Clouds and Rains District, as he slurped his kolai of Soora toddy.

And then, it became silly and went on ‘Oh no, 41st, oh yes, 43rd….. and by the time the matter was resolved, Cassius Sil aka Hairy Plotter the Silly and Harry Kali Mangkali had quietly exited. Hairy had pulled out his cellphoning vibrator and given instructions to his Lion City friends to incorporate $2 capital paid-up Firefox Explorer Media@agri.con Agency to be awarded the $1b preliminary publicity blitz contract for the 1001-floors tall story sykscraper everise erection project – WISMA AGRIJAYA YAKIN AKAN NAIK GRANTEE SEMULAJADI (WAYANGS).

‘Well, Harry Kali Mangkali, you think Rosemajibbed can pull it off?’

‘I’ve no doubt he will be pulling at it this way and that way. But I’ll be leaving for Lion City in the morning and will be there till the 25th or so. I’ve been invited to tea by Harry Pap. Can’t refuse that, can one?’

‘Why, you sly dog traitor. Make sure you remember who your good friends were, will you?’

‘Sure will Hairy. Don call us, we’ll call you. Hastalavista, baby! I won’t be back.’
donplaypuks® with my 1001-tall story erections, man!
ps please do write in with other famous chinese classics



i swear, by the light of the moon and the stars’ by boys to women.

by cheiro edward cayce, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent on numbers and futures forecasting affairs.

(Part IV - 'Alibabaji & the 43rd Thief' to follow soon. Huh? wasn't it 40 Thieves?).

‘Yo Dad, you gotta hear this.This is a real zinger! It’s more serious than the postal votes in Rembau. It’s 666. The end of our World is imminent!’

‘If I told you once, I told you a thousand times Cassius Sil. Do not ever disturb me from my mid-morning power-nap! And don’t call me Dad. It’s Pak Imam Hadhari. Geddit? Anyway, now that I am half awake, where’s the fire?’ thundered Premier Rip Van Winkle, the usually Clark Kent mild-mannered type man of few words and even fewer actions, as he pulled his fingers out of his nostrils and thumbs out of his mouth.

‘Well. The Surgeon General from the Ministry, FRCS American I.Smile Everect Cocked Gun, has sent you a notification.’

‘What is it? Cancer causes smoking? Three Headed babies cause atomic radiation in Rare Earth district. Stomach cancer causes break out of GM-cloned potatoes and rice in Carrefour. No, let me guess, my favourite, increase in carcinogenic diseases in The Valley causes leachate leakage in landfill?’ Surprise me.’

He’s pregnant.’

‘Oh, ok, wonderful, congratulations! Just send the happy couple a box of Cadbury with a congratulatory card from US that says ‘All becoz the Lady Loves Milk Tray.’

‘What? You didn’t hear me correctly, PIH. I said HE is pregnant! SIGHFUL IS PREGNANT!’

‘What the Fu…no, what the Fish are you blabbing about?. Have you beeen coking out with your Havoxbridge triple-degree graduate friends again? What’s going on? First Home Science Minister Magoo Jagger No Bianca says it was consensual. At the PP by-election Sighful swore by the light of the moon and the stars that he’d been raped, but the AG has filed a case for consensual sex. Now you are all saying its Procreative Sex? WTF!! Surely there can be no rumour to the truth?

Where is that Surgeon General American I.Smile ECG? Fcuking Round the Countryside Side as usual, I suppose. Get him here NOW! I want to hear every word he has to say, in person.’

‘No. it’s confirmed. This is Top Top Secret For Eyes & Ears Only. FRCS has already fled to an unknown neighbouring country. But good thing, we have his only original attested irrevocable Statutory Declaration (SD) which I Police Raja has safely filed away in the vaults of Special Branch at Peace Hill Resort.’

‘Oh sure it’s as safe as houses in I Polis Raja's vaults where they keep concentrated nitric acid for chemistry classes. And, unknown neighboring country in local Govt & GLC-speak is London, New York, Paris, Tokyo, Munich or Sydney. Also, going by recent events, you’ll find a copy of the SD mysteriously turning up on Petra’s www anytime now. Doesn’t Immigration know where FRCS American ECG exited the country and tracked him down yet?’

‘Oh yes, they had captured his exit-point instantly in their records. But, it’s been mysteriously erased from the data banks of their $5 billion recently upgraded by direct-negotiations non-tendered our contract.’

‘Why? Was Military Intelligence involved? So, explain to me Cassius Sil, how could a young man, any man, be pregnant. Even Einstein & that couple Sherlock Watson & Prick Holmes, would have failed had they tried such an experiment, I should think’

‘You mean James Watson & Francis Crick, the Nobel Prize winning discoverers of the double-helix structure of DNA? Well, anyway it's a World First and we have submitted Sighful's Pregnancy for inclusion in our Genius Book of Records. It appears, Sighful felt uncomfortable again, complained of a bloated stomach, sore bottom and constipation on the 26th and his pet uncle and aunty took him to Piss Raw Wee Hospital for a check-up.There, apparently an inexperienced Bangladeshi MD of 25 years standing and service says he conducted an apparently thorough examination and issued a Medical Report (MR) which stated ‘Pregnancy & Rape Ruled Out.' Sighful had confessed to the Bangladeshi doctor that wanton procreative rape had taken place on 8 occassions altogether resulting in his pregnancy.’

Sighful, not satisfied, then proceeded logically to the for a second opinion. Extensive tests coducted at their world class fertility klinic established an opinion that ‘Pregnancy & Rape Could Be Ruled In’ and that further tests would be undertaken.

Surgeon General FRCS American ECG, who is also a Sith Jedi Master Phd in English, is of the opinion that ‘Pregnancy & Rape Ruled Out’ does not mean ‘Ruled Out 100% conclusively forever in a friendly court of last resort.' Judge for yourself.’

‘So, who’s the lucky father? And why haven’t you then instructed by untraceable and unrecordable cell phone call AG Ganesh Patel to press charges forthwith. Or informed the Religious Department that a miracle is in process, the end of the world is nigh and should we build an Ark? What’s the catch?’

‘First, no one at klinik pondok will sign the MR. All the senior doctors are also mysteriously FRCS in unknown neighbouring countries. Second, well, we need the prospective father’s DNA and fresh blood samples to confirm paternity. The alleged suspect, Sir Abim Obasama, when questioned, has told I Polis Raja to refer to International Accounting Standard (IAS) 6969.'

'And what's IAS 6969?'

'Something to do with stock valuation issue called the FO & FO method, I don't know. Also, The DNA Bill hasn’t been passed yet.’

‘I told you 2 weeks ago it’s not my problem anymore. I’m on unofficial leave till June 2010. Go sort it out with General Rosemajibbed and his gang. I’m off to the movies, that one with the young Jack Lemmon in it.’

‘You mean with Walter Matthau in ‘The Odd Couple.’

‘No, with Norma Jean - ‘Some Like It Hot.’

‘Who the fish is Norma Jean? I thought it was Jack Lemon, Tony Curtis & blond bomb-shell Marilyn Monroe.’

‘Go Google Norma Jean. Thats mean my kind of Versace-expensive Jeans!! Oh, my bargain Govt issue incredibly cheap $5,600 Dell Inspiron 1525 (with maintanance and trade-in thrown in by directly negotiated non-tendered out contract company but available brand-new for $2,700 with extended warranty thrown in on the internet direct from DELL) Laptop just went Ping! Ah, just as I suspected there is that FRCS American ECG’s SD just uploaded in Petra’s www. If you have any sense you will get SLOWMYX@.CON to block it out before the brown pulut hits the fan. Selamat Malam.’


Ten Hutt! Well, Cassius Sil, how do we compute this one? That Sighful fool has gone and got himself pregnant. Sodo Mee 2 we can just about sell to the World, but Pregnancy? Our ship is sunk, surely!.And just when we needed him, I Raja Polis has got himself warded up with a bypass. So SD’s cannot be withdrawn by tea-party and gentle persuasive interrogation techniques. What have you got to say about this mess?’ fumed general Rosemajibbed.

‘Me? Why me? It’s you who want the throne so badly. You have not even repelled Genghiz Khan’s Mongolian invasion yet. So don talk big. Wait a sec, my vibrator no.5 is cellphoning! Let me answer that call. Hmm, yes, yes, yes, no, no, no! bye bye.'

What was all that about Cassius Sil?'

'The crisis has been averted. Apparently Sighful tried to abort the pregnancy by sticking a knitting needle up where the sun don shine. There followed a massive explosion of gas and they had to evacuate his home district for fear of hydrogen sulphide and sulphur dioxide pollution. The pet MAN FROM UNCLE has disappeared, 'Big Shit, but no Chief' story! Sighful is now warded at the GH and is suffering from massive PF Depression and facing major Torn Posterior & Colorectal Corrective Surgery. '

'I have heard of PPD - Post Partum Depression some mothers suffer from, following delivery of a baby. But, what's PFD?

'Post Fartum Depresssion!'

'And all the no, no, no?'

'Ah, I Raja Polis suggested the best cure for Sighful's PFD was a case of Magnum .357 calibre Dum Dum Parabellum '69 Champagne up the Khyber. The experience will apparently simply blow you to bits! A real gas blast-out!'

'Well, that's something you have to C4 yourself. Enough excitement for one day. Another false alarm! I'm off to the movies - 'Terminator 1,2 & 3 extended screening for 1st day of fasting.'

'Tenn Hut!'

donplaypuks® with my DNA, man!