The World Anthem




by showmedamoney ramani, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for recessi and depressi affairs

In the month that was, good ‘ol US of A rabid sub-prime capitalism brought itself to its knees in ways that clearly proved that there is one rule for the elite, well-connected croney (fake) capitalist and his million $ bonus (each) earning management team and another for pesky main street wage earners who perenially dare to moan about their 3% annual wage rise and 1-2 month’s pro-rated bonus.

Amazingly, there is yet another rule for the auto industry which had the temerity to beg for a mere $34 million bailout. Stupid gits!! They should have come out with guns blazing with a demand, not a mere piddly, piffling $34 billion begging bowl, for a $1 TRILLION rescue package OR ELSE!! That would have got Secretary of Treasury Henry Poultry and Fed Chairman Ben Bananacakes running around like chickens with their heads cut off and forced Congress, admittedly at the point of gun-barrel diplomacy, to apply the same degree of (utter lack of) transparency, fair rules and standards in shovelling out largesse faster than you can say CRONEY BAILOUT. With funds extorted and misappropriated from the already bleeding Taxpayer, under the Troubled Assets Relief Program (TARP).

However, the auto czars did not have to throw even a rubber sole, let alone a whole camel leather Arab shoe, for Bush to leap to their rescue. After all, he was only pre-empting Obama!

TARP? American have not only a filthy secret desire and national agenda to murder Queen’s English but to also conquer Afghanistan, Iraq, N.Korea and the rest of the world too, with misspelt words like ‘Program’ and ‘Color’ while creating WMD’s (Words of Mass Destruction) with verbicised obscenities such as ‘Helming’ and 'Tasked.' This American national past-time is championed too by Microsoft which has as one of its principle aims the universal proliferation of stress, by forcing you to check/uncheck English (US) and English (UK) in its Word Spell-Check and Language Tool !!

This penchant is frequently compounded with creating American-speak like ‘Troubled Assets Relief Program’ when what they really mean is ‘Taxpayer Bailout Shit’. You ever wonder why they say ‘gas’ for ‘petrol’ and ‘check’ for ‘bill’ and then why there has been a 2000% increase over the last ten years in incidences of people, especially the young, suffering from gastritis, gall stones and kidney stones across the world? You think it’s mere coincidence? Believe me, in the end, our civilization will collapse from this dual-mode UK and US English and not financial mismanagement!!

Note too that this is an endemic disease that afflicts all countries with a British colonial past. The Aussie penchant for mouthing an 'o’ where none exists as in ‘loike’ or that universally condemned greeting of ‘g’die mite’ is a form of cancer. Of course the ‘recalcitrant’ Mahathir could not resist taunting Downunder denizens with ‘the rine in Spine fawlls minely on the pline’! In Bolehland we steal without conscience and conjure up ‘visi’, ‘misi’ and ‘sessi’. Reliably informed sources have leaked to donplaypuks® that Dewan Bahasa & Pustaka is writhing in agony over whether it should add ‘fisi’ ( fission) to the looted local vocabulary in the wake of Tenaga Nasional Berhad’s mulling over whether it should go nuclear.

But the icing on the cake that demonstrated the complete collapse of Pax Capitalism is the $50 billion Boinie Madhoff (you want I should tell you he is Kosher) fraud bonfire of the vanities, which has not only seen 1 suicide as of today, but a willingness by the Fed to rescue troubled Hedge Funds. Yes, Hedge Funds. The same vermin who have been thwarting all attempts by the SC to register and regulate them. Yes, Hedge Funds. The same low-life who in the first place are partly, if not substantially, culpable for the farming out of toxic sub-prime mortgages tarted up as sound risk-free investments and for wanton speculation on anything from oil to metals to currencies to soya beans and pork futures!

Here is a failure not merely of business or enterprise. It is a failure that is so common that it’s amazing the Americans cannot (or is it will not) see it. It’s the same reason why Juande Ramos was sacked as Manager of Tottenham Hotspurs recently. It’s the same reason why those managing the Football, Hockey and Athletics Associations locally should all be booted out of their jobs lock, stock and barrel. A UNIVERSAL FAILURE OF LEADERSHIP AND MANAGEMENT AT THE TOP!

If only it stopped there. But no. It would appear that the fraudtrepreneurs in Bolehland, having seen the writing on the wall, have upped the ante, and are attemting to loot as much as possible before there is no more money or wealth left to squeeze out of the much molested and raped economy.

Make no mistake. The brazen attempt to ‘privatise’ by directly negotiated non-tendered out contract the National Heart Centre which sits on prime land a stone’s throw from the city centre. That suspicious $1.7 billion cash purchase of a loss making airport at inflated land price to thwart any attempt by the SC to scrutinise land valuation in a related party transaction, and the breathtaking proposal by that same party to sell back to Tenaga Nasional Bhd an unwanted excess capacity IPP at a whacking profit of billions. That $4.2 billion cover-up and further pouring of money into a bottomless hole at Free Trade Zone. That proposal to build a new Low Cost Carrier Terminal for $ 3 billion to mask development of otherwise ‘dead’ land when there is huge under utilised capacity at KLIA. And the purchase of Sukhoi Jets and Scorpene Submarines for $9 billion and the ‘postponed’ $1.6 billion purchase of Eurocopters fitted with never-to-be-used laser guided weapons systems and 34 other helicopters for the police force costing billions more.

These are all signs of management gone haywire and not lifting a finger to stanch the frittering away of scarce economic resources. Signs of conscienceless Management with a thieving and looting business mentality. The vultures who have long been profiting from weak SC’s all over the world, are now openly rifling through the pockets of the sickly carcass. What more can we say of a $70 million proposal from the Ministry of MsEntrepreneurship to send jobless graduates (presumably those from 1 Race) to special English (Manglish) Language courses to enhance their employment prospects? It’s game over, folks!

Our local Bourse too, like its counterparts in this region – New York, London, Paris, Munich, Tokyo and Sydney – has been, to put it mildly, sleeping on its watch. Not much more could have been expected with its incestuous listing on its own Stock Exchange! Thus the national car company could get away with camouflaging operating losses by including non-trading Government Grant as trading income while elegant silence was maintained when a major Telco reaped hundreds of millions of $ in additional profit from private placement of shares with indecent haste almost immediately after taking the company private.

Neither the economy of the USA nor of the Globe is going to recover from trillion dollar bailouts aimed at enticing the masses to once gain indulge in conspicuous corpulent consumption of gadgets and gizmos with built-in obsolescence or a philosophy of spending based on keeping an eye on the Jones’ while loading up on Debt like there’s no tomorrow. Whichever route Henry Poultry and Bananacakes take, they are going to lay a big fat egg because they have not understood what Keynes meant by Consumption. Modern economists and their Nobel Prize winning Gurus therefore speak Tower of Bablesque Jive Voodoo Economics – possible recession, depression, economic nuclear winter, inflation, deflation, stagflation, and God Almighty, now just WTF is Stag Deflation??!!

And this magic beans policy of cutting interest rates to zero? It too will not work. This is what Japan has been doing for more than a decade with no tangible signs of a real recovery. Why? Because the banks and financial institutions have not been publicly brought to book for their fraud, basic dishonesty and profligacy. The Wall St crooks and their ilk-thieves have factored into their business models that when push comes to shove, their friends in high places will shovel them out with TARP Taxpayer Bailout Shit. With such a licence at their disposal, anyone would GO FOR DA MONEY and not blink an eyelid when they screw old ladies out of their retirement home savings funds or factory workers out of their healthcare, pension and childrens' education funding plans.

As for Big Brother, the SC, ours is in the same somnaubulistic good company with those in this region – New York, London, Paris, Munich, Tokyo and Sydney. Self-regulation can no longer work as individial and collective greed has breached tsunami levels.

And if superpowers and past colonial masters should screw up their and the Global economy (and English Language) big time, why, we should outdo them THRICE over. We clearly have the capability, intent and pre-requisite overflowing greed to go with it!!

donplaypuks® with the future of the World, man!!



by, nimrod manglish, donplaypuks® intlepid collesponden for national ranguage affairs.

I seck enuff is enuff leh. We plefer tich Signs and Mads in mudder tongue in Vernacular School. We objek to tich Signs and Mads in Engrish. We propo the honoulable Master Planner of the Realm for Ejukashen stick to the Congstituishen and lespect honoulable parents’ wish for their chewdrens to be ejucate forrow their wish. We have no ploblem compulsory tich Signs and Mads in Bahasa Marasia or Engrish in Govermen or Plivate School. But in Chinese Vernacular School, we ingsist tich in mudder tongue, Mandalin. You ungderstang or not ah!’

So protested a very voluble, disturbed, furious and red-faced Running Dog Mao En Lai, Chairman of Long Dong Zonked Charsiu Pau Chinese Education Association.

‘Our cowture and ranguage is most impoten to us. Dis experimen ah, conpulsory to tich Signs & Mads in Engrish in Govt and Vernacular Schools, is vely, vely big fairure. It’s all the faurt of former Chief Master Planner of the Realm, Rama Maha Firaun The First who force us to chain to Engrish.

Now orr our chewdrens spik half pass sick Engrish, half-pass sick or no Chinese, half pass sick or no Tamil and half-pass sick or no Bahasa Malaysia. Our chewdren oso don appleciate our ancient Chinese cowture anymore. Orr interested ony in computer game, MTV, unlear learity show, disco, lap, shopping and lepak (hanging out) in shopping mawr. They don even watch Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan kung-fu movies nowaday. Ony watch Amelican Idor or Heloes mah!

Niamah!! We now plan big, vely big public plotes against Govermen if they don chain the system. Of courr, pissful plotes. But we not aflaid the mata mata (police), water cannon, pepper water or tear gas loh.

Meanwhile, Miki Moto Mukh San, newly elected MP and son of Rama Maha Firaun The First, filed a $100 million defamation lawsuit against leading newspapers in Kuala Lumpur High Court, including Buntutsan Toilet Newspaper, for publishing remarks apparently attributed to him for his stance on the Vernacular School system.

Konnichiwa. I regret that my proposal to have a single type of integrated national school system has been deliberately misquoted and quoted out of context by Zionist and United States of America Shaitan controlled news agencies and press, including I am surprised to note, The New State Parsley Sage Rosemary Thighmes Newspaper.

I did not say that Vernacular Schools will have to be closed down or abolished. Only that they will all have to follow a single system of teaching all subjects including English, in Bahasa Melayu. Like Singapore, we should stop all Government Per Capita and Development Grants to Vernacular Schools which elect not to integrate. With this policy, like the dinosaur, these Vernacular Schools will eventually extinctcise out.

Why, when I encountered having to study in Bahasa Malaysia, my honourable papa san packed me off to Japan and Shaitan United States of America. Arigato and Sayonara. Ai shiteru!’

Master Planner of The Realm for Lower, Middle, Higher and any other form, Kerismuddin Onn The Wagon, when asked to comment on the Long Dong Zonked Charsiu Pau Chinese Education Association’s proposal, stressed vehemently that it was a ‘definite maybe’ that a dual system of education would be maintained.

‘It’s awfleh difficult what, to fathom what these blighter immigrants desire. Good Lord, why, when I encountered our superb national education system, my papa packed me off to Alice Smith’s in KL and then to London and Wales. Sure, it cost a small fortune, but it was worth every penny, millions of it, wot!

It was Rama Maha Firaun The First who changed the medium of instruction for Science and Maths to English some years ago to improve our students’ command of English. We all agreed it was a good move and swung into action with lightning speed. We inducted thousands of teachers with little or no command of English whatsoever into special English Language Teaching Training Courses. They all graduated brilliantly with honours and Phd’s in English, in five months!! Malaysia Boleh! (Malaysia Can!!). How extraordinary, dent you think, Jeeves?

Now, when we are near reaping the rich rewards of this switch to English, these Communists want to take a retrograde step. Hah, you think we with the culture of brandishing the Keris menacingly in public and the concept of Ketuanan Melayu (Malay Supremacy) firmly in place, are afraid of a few Communists manipulated by Western agitators? You think we are afraid of threats of public protests and demonstrations?

The last time these subversive urban terrorist elements tried this kind of cheap stunts, in 1987, Maha Firaun locked up 106 of them under the ISA (Internal Security Act). We will not hesitate to take strong action again these racists and demagogues.’

Responding to calls for clarification from the Indian community, Pallikuda Lingam, Chairman of Indraf (Indian Rights Action Force) Sangam, speaking from Chennai in India said,

‘Something firrm must be done about our Yeducation System. Ve see that our Universities are not featuring yin the top 200 yin the verld. Few of our children speak their mother tongue. Their command of Bahasa Malaysia yis wonly passable, while almost without yexception, most Malaysians nowadays yave an yinstinctive, brilliant command of ungrammatical yinventive Manglish.

Yin fact, many students yave a betterr command of Yinglish than their teachers. Believe me, that yis as pathetic as ve can get!! I yam proposing we yave one yintegrated schooling system with Bahasa Malaysia as the main language of instruction with Yinglish Language and grammar compulsory from Stanadard 1. Mother tongue and cultural concerns can be protected vith the re-yintroduction of Peoples’ Own Language yin wall schools. The teaching of Science and Maths yin Yinglish can be made compulsory when students commence O Levels.

More than that, the Ministry must revamp the the yentire yeducation system by yaddressing yimportant issues such as wall-graduate yentry level and training of teachers, a more yequitable mix of teachers and male:female teacher ratios and compulsory wall-round yeducation.

Yin the final yanalysis, if ve yembrace the principle of MERITOCRACY, ve cannot, shall not be failing !!’

donplaypuks® with my education, man!



by edmund everest hillary clinton, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for mountainous landslide victory affairs

Leading analysts and anonymous expert spokesmen have confirmed landslide victory at the International Hill constituency by-election which was precipitated by the sudden demise of the incumbent MP from a heart attack.

Maha Kinabalu (MK), political analyst for the New State Parsley Sage Rosemary Thighmes newspaper wrote today that if events that occurred in 1993 at nearby Menara Tanah Tinggi (MTT) constituency are anything to go by, this landslide victory of tsunamic proportions will be just another passing phase in local politics and social development.

MK noted that in the historic 1993 event at MTT, the fulcrum of social development had been reduced to bricks, rubble, dust and ashes by the riotous actions of greedy maverick groups with vested selfish interests. Ill-supervised and unauthorised, ambitious exploratory new age revolutionary edification by these mavericks at an adjacent constituency had undermined the very foundations of democracy and life as we knew it at MTT. But, the nation had lurched forward as though nothing had happened!

MK had lamented that the architects of these modern social edification concepts, their half-(assed) qualified assistants and Havoxbridge Con-sultants had all (illegall) put their John Hancocks on the Master Plans for MTT. When taken to court however, they had all been absolved of any culpability for the disaster, riots and loss of lives. Even the Local Authority and Erection Commission which had approved the gathering and activities of these maverick groups were declared to be ‘above the law’ by virtue of previously unknown provisions in the Federal Constitution.

His Lordship, the Right Honourable Justice Shariah R Ustads Khan, had concluded that the incident was due to an act of retribution by the one true God against pagan gods whom many had falsely worshipped. Khan had acutely observed that the landslide result could not be reversed. That this had led to the completely justified ban against Yoga, Yogis and Yogurt which did not fit in with the social fabric of a nation that would not allow the creeping, insidious 3Y (Yoni) philosophy subtly perpetuated and dangerously promoted by hitherto unidentified cabals of Indian and Hindu fundamentalists.

Master Planner of the Realm for Debates and Msinformation@gov.con, Shabby Cheeky Crack, had also chipped in with the highly useful, intelligent and penetrating observation that voters were the most to be blamed for the landslide victory. Shabby referred to microscopically printed ‘terms and conditions apply’ and ‘caveat emptor’ clauses which the voters should have negotiated on with the various candidates and their philosophies before buying and signing up for their tall stories.

Meanwhile many, rendered homeless by the landmark landslide and the resulting riots, questioned the lack of sympathy and support from ‘the powers that be.’ Master Planner of the Realm for Roofless Homes, Bongkak Tink Notink, conspicuous by his absence, lack of comments and apparent concern, was traced to Sichuan in PRC. He had departed a week earlier helming a small contingent of 2000 officials, engineers, architects and civil servants (wives and bit on the side included) to study revolutionary construction techniques for buildings and schools without foundation on steep hillside slopes.

En route, the contingent had of course had a week’s stop-over at the slippery, body-sliding slopes of Geneva, Switzerland and Pat Phong in Bangkok. Bongkak Tink Notink was quoted as saying “There is no rumour to the truth” in dismissed public concerns that this was yet another ‘research cum study’ overseas holiday junket at the taxpayers’ expense.

Former Chief Master Planner for Sellout All State, Fujimori Toyota, denied any responsibility for the landslide victory. Speaking from Pendatang in Sumatra, he said, ‘No, the state now under rule of Opposition sin Mach 2008. So, even though we in chag for 50 years before, that’s not means our faults. Even the 1993 MTT disaster. They are not our faults. Likes Dr.M and the Buntutsan Toilet Newspaper say, mebbe it a Zionist or Amerika Sharikat Shaitan komplot!’

However, Master Sith Jedi Planner of the Realm, Rip Van Winkle, chirpily announced today from house nos. 44-66A, Mosman Bay, Perth, Australia that the Govt would make available US$700 billion aid in the form of Funds Appropriated for Relief of Troubles (FART) to those affected by landslide victory as well as banks, financial institutions and the auto industry if they were unfairly and adversely affected by the US Satan Capitalist Sub-Prime and Finance Conspiracy. Applicants were requested to forward their requests in a brown envelope with an SAE to Master Planner of the Realm for Finance, Mamak Robokop Forexloosecannon.

Meanwhile at the MoF, Mamak Robokop Forexloosecannon, when posed the question as to where US700 billion would come from when the national reserves stood at US 100 million was quoted as saying “My lips are sealed by the Official Secrets Act (OSA). But, I can confirm that we will be the only nation in the world which will not slip into a recession or depression. I grantee this. For your immediate needs, I have $36 billion forex funds available at various Mamak Havala System Money Changer outlets. You call, we transfer out!! Call 1800-622-632-1400-1957-1969-2008 NOW!!”

Speaking from somewhere in Uzbekistan, Master Sith Jedi Planner of the Realm Elect and Ambassador to Mongolia, General Rosemajibbed, was quoted as saying that he was not inclined to worry about minor issues such as landslide victory as “My administration is on top of it. V have Suckhoi Jets, Scorpenis Subs, C4 explosives and Baginda Altantuya is free. Then, we are still vying for Euro Cocker-Mamie 725 Helicopters costing $1.64b rounded down to $2.3 billion. What more can we ask for? We are a truly blessed nation. God is great!!”

donplaypuks® with my landslide, man!