The World Anthem




by ben casey kildare house m.d., donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for coronary inquest affairs

I had all this money my father had collected over the years from ardent admirers and just plain bloody-minded altruists like telekoms and toll highway operators who kept making donations without him ever soliciting for it. Billions of it!!

So, I had to launder all this money through original and innovative businesses and Mother Teresa personal finance schemes. So, I opened an office and hired Kim Basinger as my secretary. Why Kim Basinger you ask, you peasant coolie busybody? Well, when opportunity and wherewithal meets drop-dead bod fantasy there is only one possible outcome. I hired her and boy, did I gamble right !!

Kim was the best office manager I ever had. In fact she was the only office manager I ever had with whom I had a thothally platonic friendship!

Then one day she wanted to buy a house. She wanted $ 1 million and suggested I consult my wife, her best friend with whom I had a very open, mature relationship. But I knew the old hag would not ever be interested in such mundane matters like loaning $1,000K without any reason to her best friend who was the only office manager I ever had. So, that’s how I gave $250K outright to the best and only office manager I ever had who tried to have me. I arranged a bank loan for the balance of $250K even though her credit rating was such that AIG and Citybank would have rejected her application !

Then somehow the staffs got to know about Kim buying a house and my super generous-to-a-fault soft nature. So, Simran, the best secretary I ever had asked for and got a $150K fully-serviceable personal loan for a car. And, Aishwaria the best two books book-keeper I ever had squeezed a $100K fully-accountable loan to settle her mother’s miscarriage medical bills. Ah yes, I must not forget Padmini the best tea lady I ever had and Sneha the best receptionist I ever had who wanted $50K after-office serviceable loans for airfares to Chennai to sort out family affairs.

Then there were all these general staffs. Trisha, Genelia, Illena, Anushka, Shriya, Kajol, Bhumika and Deepika. The best ever platonic general staffs I ever had. Some wanted fully-serviceable loans to buy cars, deposit for house, Deepavali shopping, hire studies, holiday to Bali and Kashmir and seminars to improve their intercourse, oratory, interpersonal and social skills.

Gosh, they did have great and very original needs for all kinds of serviceable loans. I must have been hit for a seven figure sum in total in fully-serviceable loans. Even Gemini, the best ever office and messenger boy I never had; even he whacked me for $50K to continue his further education and PhD thesis titled ‘Bollywood vs Hollywood.’ Many, even though they were not my staffs would beg me for fully serviceable study loans lah, car loans lah, car loan guarantees lah, housing loans lah, medical bills loans lah ad infinitum. I refused none and obliged all. That’s a legacy my father passed on to me!

But it’s strange that my wife stood guarantor for my chauffer Sivaji. Can’t fathom why she had a soft spot for him!

Just when I thought it was all over, Kim calls me one fine day about her gonad problem and severe ache. I mean what am I, her personal doctor? So, I tell Kim in jest to drink a glass of freshly squeezed ripe Kumquat fruit juice, C4 grade, (an ancient Indiana cure mentioned in the Upanishads, I lie to her) to ease the painful contractions and hang up in anger. I mean like she’d have Kumquat fruits just lying about in her fridge or growing in her backyard!

Fuck me if I wasn’t gobsmacked next when Kim’s brother calls me from New Zealand in panic and says she’s collapsed at home suspected of accidentally swallowing toxic Kumquat juice? I mean jeeze, what is the statistical probability? I rush over to Kim’s house, I mean jeeze I just happened to have the keys to her front door and bedroom and then got the driver to break all speed records to get her admitted to the emergency ward at the GH in Bangkok. Yeah, I know the local GH was just ten minutes away, but I didn’t want to take any chances and besides my machan who was a doctor there (and who has since left for private practice) could give Kim 100% attention.

But it was sad, very sad. I shed a million tears. When I got to the Bangkok GH, Kim had departed to the next world. I mean there she was curled up in a foetal position looking so beautiful and dead! It took me weeks to recover, though for the life of me I could not grasp why she was in the MATERNITY WARD. Then I heard one of Kim’s relatives, a 3rd or 4th cousin once or twice removed I don’t know, instructing the doctors, as is the norm in our country, not to perform any autopsy or post mortem so as not to violate the sanctity of her body and innocence. Now the body has been cremated and we cannot confirm that Kim died of ‘gonadial post-coital premature water bag bursitis induced by poisonously squeezed Kumquat Juice (C4 grade) imbibation.’

Why, what should I do with my life now? There seems no reason to go on. Kim is dead, the body is missing, witnesses have disappeared, the police have no evidence, no motive can be established for any foul play and the bottle of Kumquat Juice (C4 grade) cannot be located!

Wait, there is a higher, noble cause I could aspire to. I know, I’ll enter politics and maybe Pakatan will offer me the post of Ambassador to Mongolia. Gosh, I've got it! Let me go for Gold. I'll try to become the next Prime Minister!

Daddy, Zaid, you think HRH will object?

donplaypuks® with poisonously squeezed kumquat juice, man!



by arnaud dubus du da colon, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for Berak State of affairs

In yet another twist to the excrement that will not be flushed away in Berak State, trainee judge Dato Sir Yang Arif Nomore Usman Shanks (ANUS) announced a decision that caused severe diahoerria in the legal world and beyond.

ANUS, a graduate of the (in)famous Masjid India Holburnemholeindapocket Law College and a former salaried sleeping partner at legal firm Messrs. Sue, Grabbit & Run, speaking in a cell phone interview with ace hack Rockyhorrorbrewshow of the New State Parsley Sage Rosemary Thighmes Newspaper while performing number 2 bodily function seated on his Throne, confirmed that,

“...In accordance with the various provisions of the State Penile & Anile Codes, the World infamous Berak State Raintree shall be taken by its nether roots, hung by its tallest branch until it breathes no more and then put to fire, the ashes to be thrown into the sea as just and fair punishment for unauthorised provision of shady assistance to illegal assemblers, being an accessory before, during and after the fact and aiding and abetting in the public discharge of anti-Government and anti-Royal sentiments against the order of Nature.”

Yang ANUS confirmed that he had arrived at his historic unprecedented decision in his chamber pot after hearing trickling and steamy convoluted groaning arguments on Constipational issues from lawyers representing the legal Berak Chief Speaker, Chief Got Cojones and the illegal Berak Chief Minister, Chief Defecating Bull & Blood, Phd.

Yang ANUS broke new wind over grounds that regardless of long-standing provisions in the Federal Constipational Laws, Chief Got Cojones could neither represent himself nor engage any lawyer other than Chief Shaman Uranus, Berak State’s Chief Legal Orificer, to defend him in court. Chief Got Cojones had allegedly convened an illegal and Unconstipational Shitting of the Berak State Pow Wow session under the shade of the said Raintree in question, caveat emptor and e & eo excepted!

Yang ANUS was adamant that there were no provisions in Berak State’s Conspitation for a public Standing Pow Wow of the Chiefs or Piss Pipe Smoking. He was further incensed that Chief Got Cojones and his Braves had obstinately refused to hire Tepee-style Tents for $ 6 million Ringgit from the authorities to hold their meeting in, but had instead conducted a shitting of the Berak State Assembly while standing up beneath the boughs of the said Raintree in question, caveat emptor, e & eo excepted!

Yang ANUS was reportedly peeved and pissed off at having to spend a disproportionate length of time dealing with Chief Got Cojones when he had pileing up in his chamber pot deposits of ‘more important’ case files of public concern.

Meanwhile, Berak State Chief of I Polis Raja, Chief Geronimonomoremoney admitted that he had erred in supporting the Chief Secretary of Berak State Assembly in locking up the Assembly Hall thus preventing Chief Cojones and his Braves from conducting their open meeting behind closed doors.

“All our men, including myself, had early morning pressing issues and we were bogged down by orders from our superiors in Peace Hill Resort to flush these shysters, very red Indians and Zionist conspirators out in the open. We can honestly say that we kept the piece as is our sworn duty.”

Elsewhere, Chief Got Cojones in confirming he would be appealing against the ruling by Yang Anus, confirmed,

“We have retained Tom Hagen, one-time Attorney at Law for Puzo, Corleone, Santino, Michael, Fredo, Luca, Clemenza, Solozzo, Connie, Mario & Luigi, specialist in family protection, offer and honour, horse heads, cosa nostra, Las Vegas, machoness, mano a mano, and sleeping wit da fish to represent us. We shall be filing our appeal to the Federal Court of Constipation.

We understand that a panel of 3 senior judges headed by Yang Arif Wan Hung Lo (whose descending judgement in the strained dispute case of Hernia vs Piles is a legal classic) will be hearing our appeal. We are confident that our Law Lords will see through the single-ply thin tissue of lies that have been used to prevent me from exercising my rights as Chief Got Cojones of Berak State.”

However, the illegal Berak Chief Minister, Chief Defecating Bull & Blood, Phd, maintained that,
“This is all nonsense. HRH has sac Chief Got Cojones and his boss from da Berak State and I have been legally appointed Chief of Berak State. Why, I have retained Messrs. Basset,Hound,Chase,Mount,Shaft & Whackdemallalotmore to defend me against these imposters and pretenders. The indigestion they are going to be hit with will make the Kerala and Madras runs seem like a mild case of mamak mee goreng food poisoning!”

In BREAKING NEWS at the capital, outgoing sleeping flip-flop PM Rip Van Winkle was categorically reported as saying,

“There is no rumour to the truth that my running into at a Prophet Mohamad Birthday bash, bro Sir Abim Obasama, the de facto leader of the opposition, was a planned affair.

Nor did we discuss sacking the PM designate Rosemajib in view of fresh allegations about the Mongolian Ambassador case in the French newspaper ‘Liberation’ or the Constipation fiasco in Berak State where trainee judges have refused to consult senior federal judges and made Unconstipational decisions.

Nor about calling for fresh elections in Berak State as it is patently obvious to a new-born baby that’s HRH’s illegal Berak Chief Minister, Chief Defecating Bull & Blood, Phd does not command the respect or support of the majority of the PEOPLE of Berak State. Though, yes, I do agree it is a shitty state of affairs!

No, he talked about it while I listened and enjoyed the goat cojones rendang and other rare delicacies!

Nor is there is any rumour to the truth that I am a PAS supporter in sheep’s clothings just because my paternal grandfather from the Middle East was the founder of PAS!”

donplaypuks® with my Federal Constipation, man!!