WHERE'S THE BEEF? MOSTLY OVERSEAS! (PART2)

by O.H.M.S. Beefeaters, Donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for cowgate, bull and udder affairs

 

BEEF NIGERIA LECON ABUJA

There is no beef. But ‘potential investors and/or financiers’ will receive an emailed letter from a purportedly Nigerian farmer claiming he has inherited from his late grandfather in Abuja a $2 billion cattle farm, which he has sold to his government. But he needs $200,000 to “negotiate with the authorities” to have the $2 billion transferred overseas, for which “temporary loan” he is willing to instruct his “bank” to pay a 10% (of $2 billion) commission to any financier (for $200,000) as a guaranteed and compulsory deduction from TT instructions. The letter will also state that if the recipient does not forward it to at least 10 others, he/she will be visited by locusts and plague.

Investigations will later show the Nigeria to have been 1 of 50, registered as 45-year old studens in KL's LimCockUpWanking School of Creative Design, who never attended a day in class. TV3 will follow this up with an interview with a 52-year old bloated virgin spinster teacher in Bukit Kayu Hitam, who will shed copious tears on camera and moan about how she thought she had discovered on-line chat true love with Michael Milton Obasanjo Obote, who had fleeced her of all her life savings, after promising her marriage and ten kids.

There’s one born every minute.

BEEF PERU

This Aztec brand beef ball soup and stew combo is extremely handy for campers, hikers, mountaineers and outdoorspersons as  it uniquely caters to their needs, conveniently packed in cans with nourishing Lima beans! Afficionados, BE FOREWARNED! The outer Cortez skin-layer of Lima beans must be carefully removed before cooking to avoid Montezuma’s Revenge (aka travellers’ diarrhoea)!

BEEF QATAR

It’s actually tough and lean but brackish and watery camel meat invented by a committee from the deserts of Dubai. After all, they have for years been utilising APCO 1 Israel PR and advertising spin to mislead you into thinking duty free shopping and cost of living are actually cheaper in Dubai than in KL. Next project, Dubai Duck. Bombay Duck is of course not a duck, but dried fish. Dubai Duck is a Silverman Sachs investor alert journal which will warn potential foreign investors of the sheikh down and Ponzi schemes in Dubai real estate.

BEEF RUSSIA

A very bolshie chicken Kiev-type over-sized thigh of cow roast. Injected with elephant syringe-full liquidised mixture of red tomatoes, garlic, ginger, onions, oregano and vodka, it is served with фасоль or Russian kidney beans, Blini bread and Beluga caviar.

The dish, named ‘Ra Ra Ras-Putin (lover of the Russian Queen, the KGB’s love machine)’ has a somewhat suspect and rascally reputation. The 2013 results of ‘Ra Ra Ras-Putin (lover of the Russian Queen, the KGB’s love machine)’ being voted on and elevated to the Presidential Class of Soviet Cuisine, were stolen last week from the offices of the Election Commission.

BEEF SINGIAPOUR IQ STEAK

Mainly used to produce beef ball geriatric hairy senior mentor soup noodles steak garnished with talkingcock.com pardon my french beans, this boneless and spineless ageing totalitarian steak will only be served to you if you have a PHD, provable IQ above 160, stop at two (but you can start again at 2.30) and gamble at Sands Casinoresortpolice. Otw, everyone gets equal portions, but some more equal than udders.

BEEF TURKEY JIVE

Malaysian Civil Service preferred Erdogan beef steak with magic sinecure (gaji buta) beans, especially by the Chief Secretary Bird and top Mandarin Birds out on feathering their own nests with 25% pay increase, $60,000 per month salary and guaranteed 6-month’s equivalent bonus per year.

A more likely old cow’s tale you would not have heard from Senator Scheherazade, part-time Minister for Womens’ Harem Affairs of the Court of Caliph Dr.Imelda Birkin Rosemajib, even as she brazenly attempts to stretch her resignation, but not a resignation, for One Thousand and One Nights.

BEEF URUGUAY

South American sub-prime beef steak consumed in alarmingly large quantities on credit, principally by USA and western nations in round table trade talks, until 1995. GATT it? Now replaced by WTO, it’s the same old whine in new CDS options stinky-bean pods, marketed by Bernie Madhoff Silverman Sachs investment house to establish a level playing field – by bringing everyone down to the same level of bankruptcy and poverty.

BEEF VENEZUELA CALYPSO

The export quality cattle and beef from one of the most crime-ridden countries in the world, ranked N0.172 out of 182 of the 2011 ‘Most Corrupt Countries’ in the Corruption Perception Index, is a big hit among Bolihland fraudtrepreneurs inspired by Harry Belafonte’s calypso ditty – “Matilda, Matilda, she take my money and run Venezuela!’ Bolihland has some way to go with its No.60 ranking, but the world is shrinking and there are fewer and fewer places where you can safely launder money rear cattle and produce beef, and live with no extradition worries.

BEEF WEST IRIAN JAYA

The acrid taste of this rarest of beef available from the place once know as Papua, will leave you breathless and possibly feeling light-headed, if not completely headless, so permanent can be its result. You have to indulge in skullduggery to import it. Best eaten raw with cannibal beans from the Congo in Africa and washed down with Papau New Guinea Kava drink, which has the invigorating taste of dead cockroaches combined with the amber stream from a rabid three-headed canine from Hell.

BEEF XANADU MONGOLIA

Legendary Altantuya bovine-breed beef from the court of Mongolian Ambassador to France, Kublai Rosemajib Khan, who once, two pleasure peniscope domed Scorepenis-class submarine @ $4 billion each, did decree. The secret of 6-star Michelin rated cordon bleu cooking of Altantuya-beef lies in wrapping cow live and whole in plastic-lined lead sheets, stuffing it with C4 explosives and blast-cooking it in the open air of tropical jungles, preferably at 3 a.m. for best results.

$500,000 per kg Altantuya-class Mongolian beef can only be bought through $540 million ‘not a commission, but facilitation and administrative fee’ Havoxbridge-con PhD Agent Baginda in Oxford. All information can be “reliaby” obtained from PI Bala (no SD) in Chennai and London.

BEEF ZANZIBAR

There was once a Minister from 1M Bolihland,

By the name of Shahrizar,

Who loved the sun, sea and sand,

In the distant islands of Zanzibar.

So, she got got her clueless PhD husband and 3I USA-educated children to together band,

For a $250 million government contract to grow cattle and beef, near and far,

And set off logically across the globe in earnest pursuit of pricey condominiums and land,

From KL to Singapore to the distant islands of Zanzibar.

There was once a Minister from 1M Bolihland with a magic wand,

Whose family roared around in their brand new Mercedes car,

And found much to their astonishment they could not plant cattle or beef seeds in the sand,

In the distant islands of Zanzibar.

What happened to 'O' and 'Y' you ask? Well. everytime you ask our PM and Ministers for any explanations for financial scandals, their beef stock reply is:

"O, Y pick on me? Every BUMNO Minister has skeletons in his cupboard, including Dr.M." So, O and Y are omitted because it's all a waste of time. Just vote them all out.

ABB - Anything But BUMNO.

Donplaypuks® with with sustainable farming, man!

WHERE'S THE BEEF? HERE, THERE & EVERYWHERE! (PART1)

by bully beef desperate dan, Donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for cowgate, bull and udder affairs

In racing with indecent haste to fulfil its mission statement of achieving sustainable beef farming in the shortest possible time or earlier by 2120, the shareholders and directors of $250 million low interest subsidised government loan financed National Feednotalot Corp (NFC) left no cow pattie unturned in sourcing beef on a global scale. They even faithfully and earnestly explored farming in the air in $10 million condominiums in Bigbangsar in KL, Orchard Road in Singiapour and Astana in Kazakhstan.

The results have been staggering. Never in the history of farming have so many cows mooed so much to so few. NFC has come up with a smorgasbord of beef and mouth-watering beef dishes to promote their unique brand of ‘Sustainable Feednotalot Beef.’

In alphabetical order, they are:- 

BEEF AFGHANISTAN BAMIYAN

Produced in the statuesque hills of Bamiyan in Central Afghanistan, the meat is marinated in tongue-burning Afghan Taliban spies (and sometimes, terrorists) to bring out that special explosive taste to the palate, then, pressure-cooked in the shells of shoulder-fired Rocket Propelled Grenade launchers to flake off the meat from the bones. The meat is then minced by mixing it with Suicide-Bomber Grade C4 explosives and lighting it. The crisp and melts-from-within-your mouth minced meat is best eaten all over the hills with pita bread and goat cheese, in situ, al fresco.

BEEF AUSTRALIA LYNAS

Found extensively in the elemental dunes of Mt.Weld in W.Australia, free range cows here feed exclusively on naturally bountiful Rare Earth grass that make them glow beautifully from within, enabling them to be found in the dark easily. Best consumed raw with Chernobyl radiant beans in the soon-to-be nuclear winters of Gebeng in Kuantan and Bukit Merah in Ipoh. Book your everyday-is-winter holiday with Air Asia, TODAY! Now, everyone can glow, naturally!

BEEF BURMA NE WIN

This is a You Win, I Win, We Win, Everyone Win-Win, Ne Win, Burmese dish cooked in the Japanese AuYang Suki Yaki style, and garnished with Irrawaddy Delta muddy beans. Generals everywhere love this tribal dish fried in earthenware pan with a sprinkling of rusty iron army medals signifying heroic wars and battles fought by generals against their own people, within Burma’s own borders and in the mountains.

BEEF CHINA

Pure Capitalist Beef sold as Pure Red Commie Cow Meat by Mao Ze Dung and Dung Xiaoping. Traditionally served on a bed of lice with Yerrow Rong Beans, the secret recipe for this is to be found in the classic ‘Dung’s Ritter Led Book of Heavenly Piss.’

BEEF DEUTSCHE

Or ‘Beef Chermany’ is excellent bull meat for rump and rib-eye steaks much favoured by benevolent dictators and Maha Firauns, served ‘rare’ with oozing and dripping blood, potatoes in holocaust bootskins and jackboots, and reverse swastika kidney or sword beans. Ideal meat for world war preparations. Heil Hitler mein feuhrer, today Deutsche, tomorrow ze worldt! Ich bin ein Berliner! Der Tag ich here!

BEEF ETHIOPIA

A signature dish of Angelina Pitt, this sparse and stringy beef, bone and cartilage stew, with Somalian narrow beans, was concocted to save the poor children (and whales, dolphins, sharks, tigers, crocodiles, lions, elephants, seals, deer, cod, salmon, polar bears, miss universe….) in fourth world countries. Soon, it will be exported to much expectant Malaysia.

BEEF DE FRANCE GAY PARIS SIGHFOOL

This is a generous, sumptuous, very rear and unique combination of oh, so la di da and ooh, la la sophistiqué Porterhouse Steak, Filet Mignon and Sirloin Steak prepared by world-renown Motorbike Chef, Aunty Pet, from thick Tenderloin and Sirloin rump meat.

Sufficient to feed a football team of 11 plus 4 reserves, a manger and two coaches,  it is a favourite of young men-boys pursuing government scholarships, as they come the other way (through the KY Jelly well-oiled hinged back entrance doors) to meet Prime Ministers at their private residences, seeking their favours. The taste of the uncooked meat is coaxed to burst upon papillae with pungent force if served with 3-days unwashed brown beans and green salad with pink vinaigrette sauce dressing. Starters – thick, steamy brown Cow-Tail Soup (in Bahasa Malaysia - Sup Buntut Lembu) is a must!

BEEF GREECE ODYSSEY

At €130 billion per kg, this truly dreamy Bovril drink with steamrolled Athenian beans, belongs to the virtual world of ‘Avatar’ and ‘Dreamworks’. Previously fat and lard-laden cows raised in over-geared and heavily-in-debt farms, have, in the swish of a tale, been reduced to thin and emaciated ghosts of themselves, as they try to face a grim future with Herculean effort and Stoic resolve, by going on strike.

BEEF HOLLAND

Buy1, Free1 double dutch offer marketed by S&M brand cow breed Queen, Xaviera Hollander, Penthouse consultant and author of 'The Happy Farm Hooker: My Own Story.' Having explored and managed all conventional avenues in free-range calves, cow and dairy farming in New York, Hollander successfully turned her attention late in life to new pastures in dykes- and Dutch Ladies-filled Amsterdam. She quickly developed quick milking and savvy techniques which gave super returns on equity to her wards and investors.

National Feednotalot Corp's MD is away on extended visit-work-cum-study in Amsterdam and other major cities in Holland and hopes to table viable proposals for importing the double dutch cow-get-cow-get broad bean model to his home country, soon, by 2020 or later.

BEEF INDIA

This pas or pariah (as it is locally known in India) or ‘fake beef’ as it is known in the industry, is actually buffalo meat falsely labelled as beef and cooked in special 4-caste iron pot with curry powder, coconut milk, and beans, to form a fiery broth to be eaten with rice. It is widely consumed in the cities that are on the route of the Olympic Torch in India, the trail that constitute the Madras-runs, Bombay-runs and the New Delhi-runs.

BEEF INGDON

Full of beans ‘Maid in Ingdonesia’ beef is imported mainly by Bolihland and the House of Sa’ud. Grossly underpaid for its sterling quality, and often RELAly abused when tenderising meat, it has an honest, but sometimes coarse yet robust, workman’s integrity and odour about it. Has many qualities that may assist many a Malaysias in achieving ‘Maid in Malaysia’ export status by 2020, or earlier, as predicted by Roti Jala, Minister for KSBSI – Key Stud Bull Shit Index.

BEEF JAPAN OR KOBE WAGYU

Calves are force fed on a liquid diet of brandy and champagne, and massaged from young with LandoftherisingRedsuntory Whiskey to produce the tenderest of marbled meats. It is fit only to be prepared at Yen 400,000 a whack Shang kitchens and served, with broad-bottom beans, at the engagement dinners of the daughters of Prime Ministers and their Kazakhstani fiancés, at Suckcesspool Princeville. Who four-footed the bill will surely determine the fate of yet another Animal Farm?

Enterprising Japanese have capitalised on the popularity of Kobe Beef by inventing cow based computer games called Cowkegotchamon and Thamabeefgotchimon. The game consoles are free, but the batteries cost $50 for an AA pair!

BEEF NORTH KOREA

Here, cows, like their human counterparts, wholly embrace Kim Jong-Il’s philosophy of ‘Juche’ or “Self Reliance.’ The cows therefore, milk themselves, feed themselves with mushy red beans, carry pooperscoops to dispose their poops downwind in South Korea and swish their tails in unison so the methane they fart is propelled towards their nuclear plants and ICBM silos for free, sustainable green energy.

However, National Feednotalot Corp abandoned the idea of importing these independemt-minded cows, as the N.Korans would neither grant NFC 30% free equity nor 10% secret commissions to NFC’s MD, in a joint-venture. Neither could the N.Koreans, and this was the real deal-breaker, wrap their heads around NFC’s suggestion of providing cows with motorised carts for the foreseeable future..

“Affirmative action for rich cows? Motorised carts? Forever? Lord of the Meadows recognition?” the perplexed N.Koreans muttered to themselves, as they chased the NFC executives over the border and out of their country.

BEEF LIBYA DAFFY DUCK

This rarest of dishes in the world is cooked naturally with the rarest species of Sahara desert dead duck called, quadaffyduck/gadaffyduck/kadaffyduck/muamar cadaffyduck/mohammed gaddaffiduck or any way CNN and USA MSM like to mispell it. The dead duck is first marinated with special Chinese 5-spies mix and then cooked with the beef in clay ovens buried deep in the sands of the Sahara. The sitting duck is cooked in its own melting fat, and the beef, in duck fat. Cooking duties  are overseen by a special squad of 100 armed vestal virgin Amazonian female bodyguards barracked at night in desert harem tents near the cooking pits and in the grounds of Buckingham Palace in London..

We regret Beef Libya is no longer available. It was suddenly taken off the menus of Tripoli in October 2011, without a quack.

BEEF MALAYSIA OR MALAISE

There is no such beef, but it could be created out of thin air as a sustainable cow and farty beans farming industry on a Local, Regional Hub and Glocal scale with another zero interest 300-month instalment debt card write-off government scheme for Sons of The Soil, on a strict merit only basis, but this time for $2 billion loan, due to inflationary risks and escalating condominium and land prices in Singiapour, Bigbangsar KL, London, New York, Paris, Tokyo, Munich, Geneva and, of course, Kazakhstan. Refer ‘Beef Ingdon’ and Beef Ethiopisa’ above for long-term prospects.

- n-z to be continued -

Donplaypuks® with cows and udders, man!

THREE TIMES IS ENEMY ACTION, MR.MACC!

by ian flaming bond, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for goldfingerpointing affairs

Auric Goldfinger to 007 Licensed To Kill Superspy James Bond in Ian Fleming's 'Goldfinger': 

"We have a saying in Chicago, Mr. Bond. Once is HAPPENSTANCE. Twice, COINCIDENCE. And THREE times Mr.Bond, THREE times? Then it's ENEMY ACTION!"

First Teoh Boon Hock and now, Ahmad Sarbani Mahamed. Are we looking at preludes to more "sudden suicide" cases and ENEMY ACTION waiting to happen?

What about the unexplained deaths elsewhere of Francis Udayappan, A.Kugan, Aminul Rasyid, R.Gunasegaran and subsequent assault on witness Selvach, persecution of lawyer Rosli Dahlan and others?

The full facts have not emerged yet.

But I tell you that it is in the nature of evil that it cannot conceal itself for long or be silent as it must work it's way towards it's self-destructive ends. We are fast approaching the point where something's got to give as the tipping point is reached and a corrupt, rogue system and officers must be extirpated and brought to book once and for all.

And what we are witnessing across the length and breadth of our nation, endemic unexplained custody deaths, are symptomatic, yes they are symptomatic of years of decline and lowering of standards and poor, poor recruitment and training regimes. That's what happens when we pay lip service to "internal inquiries", transparency and public accountability and overworn cliches which mean nothing when it's your next of kin who just bit the dust! 

That's precisely the rot that sets in when the Government ignores the recommendations of Royal Commissions of Inquiry and thereby insults the King and Constitution.


We must not tolerate this outrageous state of affairs one second longer!

IT IS SUCCESSIVE UMNO/BN GOVERNMENTS THAT ARE CLEARLY CULPABLE FOR THIS SAD, SAD VISIBLE, PALPABLE, STARK DETERIORATION IN THE MODUS OPERANDI OF OUR INVESTIGATIVE AND ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES.

The rot set in when in 1987 a Home and Prime Minister had, for his own political survival, 106 person arrested under the ISA without an iota of probable cause and then (30 years later with selective amnesia) claimed shamelessly he "could not" over rule the IGP. That's when the seeds of a police state were sown!

And don't expect DAP and Pakatan not to call for a truly independent RCI; they, and TBH"s family, were spot on in refusing to legitimise the TBH RCI headed by a sitting judge of the Federal Court, no matter what his credentials!!

In the meantime we weep without reservation for the suddenly departed. That's absolutely the least we can do. That is not a happy state of affairs. But we MUST NOT keep silent and allow more deaths to occur because of general public apathy or fear.

donplaypuks® with people in custody, man!