WHERE'S THE BEEF? MOSTLY OVERSEAS! (PART2)

by O.H.M.S. Beefeaters, Donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for cowgate, bull and udder affairs

 

BEEF NIGERIA LECON ABUJA

There is no beef. But ‘potential investors and/or financiers’ will receive an emailed letter from a purportedly Nigerian farmer claiming he has inherited from his late grandfather in Abuja a $2 billion cattle farm, which he has sold to his government. But he needs $200,000 to “negotiate with the authorities” to have the $2 billion transferred overseas, for which “temporary loan” he is willing to instruct his “bank” to pay a 10% (of $2 billion) commission to any financier (for $200,000) as a guaranteed and compulsory deduction from TT instructions. The letter will also state that if the recipient does not forward it to at least 10 others, he/she will be visited by locusts and plague.

Investigations will later show the Nigeria to have been 1 of 50, registered as 45-year old studens in KL's LimCockUpWanking School of Creative Design, who never attended a day in class. TV3 will follow this up with an interview with a 52-year old bloated virgin spinster teacher in Bukit Kayu Hitam, who will shed copious tears on camera and moan about how she thought she had discovered on-line chat true love with Michael Milton Obasanjo Obote, who had fleeced her of all her life savings, after promising her marriage and ten kids.

There’s one born every minute.

BEEF PERU

This Aztec brand beef ball soup and stew combo is extremely handy for campers, hikers, mountaineers and outdoorspersons as  it uniquely caters to their needs, conveniently packed in cans with nourishing Lima beans! Afficionados, BE FOREWARNED! The outer Cortez skin-layer of Lima beans must be carefully removed before cooking to avoid Montezuma’s Revenge (aka travellers’ diarrhoea)!

BEEF QATAR

It’s actually tough and lean but brackish and watery camel meat invented by a committee from the deserts of Dubai. After all, they have for years been utilising APCO 1 Israel PR and advertising spin to mislead you into thinking duty free shopping and cost of living are actually cheaper in Dubai than in KL. Next project, Dubai Duck. Bombay Duck is of course not a duck, but dried fish. Dubai Duck is a Silverman Sachs investor alert journal which will warn potential foreign investors of the sheikh down and Ponzi schemes in Dubai real estate.

BEEF RUSSIA

A very bolshie chicken Kiev-type over-sized thigh of cow roast. Injected with elephant syringe-full liquidised mixture of red tomatoes, garlic, ginger, onions, oregano and vodka, it is served with фасоль or Russian kidney beans, Blini bread and Beluga caviar.

The dish, named ‘Ra Ra Ras-Putin (lover of the Russian Queen, the KGB’s love machine)’ has a somewhat suspect and rascally reputation. The 2013 results of ‘Ra Ra Ras-Putin (lover of the Russian Queen, the KGB’s love machine)’ being voted on and elevated to the Presidential Class of Soviet Cuisine, were stolen last week from the offices of the Election Commission.

BEEF SINGIAPOUR IQ STEAK

Mainly used to produce beef ball geriatric hairy senior mentor soup noodles steak garnished with talkingcock.com pardon my french beans, this boneless and spineless ageing totalitarian steak will only be served to you if you have a PHD, provable IQ above 160, stop at two (but you can start again at 2.30) and gamble at Sands Casinoresortpolice. Otw, everyone gets equal portions, but some more equal than udders.

BEEF TURKEY JIVE

Malaysian Civil Service preferred Erdogan beef steak with magic sinecure (gaji buta) beans, especially by the Chief Secretary Bird and top Mandarin Birds out on feathering their own nests with 25% pay increase, $60,000 per month salary and guaranteed 6-month’s equivalent bonus per year.

A more likely old cow’s tale you would not have heard from Senator Scheherazade, part-time Minister for Womens’ Harem Affairs of the Court of Caliph Dr.Imelda Birkin Rosemajib, even as she brazenly attempts to stretch her resignation, but not a resignation, for One Thousand and One Nights.

BEEF URUGUAY

South American sub-prime beef steak consumed in alarmingly large quantities on credit, principally by USA and western nations in round table trade talks, until 1995. GATT it? Now replaced by WTO, it’s the same old whine in new CDS options stinky-bean pods, marketed by Bernie Madhoff Silverman Sachs investment house to establish a level playing field – by bringing everyone down to the same level of bankruptcy and poverty.

BEEF VENEZUELA CALYPSO

The export quality cattle and beef from one of the most crime-ridden countries in the world, ranked N0.172 out of 182 of the 2011 ‘Most Corrupt Countries’ in the Corruption Perception Index, is a big hit among Bolihland fraudtrepreneurs inspired by Harry Belafonte’s calypso ditty – “Matilda, Matilda, she take my money and run Venezuela!’ Bolihland has some way to go with its No.60 ranking, but the world is shrinking and there are fewer and fewer places where you can safely launder money rear cattle and produce beef, and live with no extradition worries.

BEEF WEST IRIAN JAYA

The acrid taste of this rarest of beef available from the place once know as Papua, will leave you breathless and possibly feeling light-headed, if not completely headless, so permanent can be its result. You have to indulge in skullduggery to import it. Best eaten raw with cannibal beans from the Congo in Africa and washed down with Papau New Guinea Kava drink, which has the invigorating taste of dead cockroaches combined with the amber stream from a rabid three-headed canine from Hell.

BEEF XANADU MONGOLIA

Legendary Altantuya bovine-breed beef from the court of Mongolian Ambassador to France, Kublai Rosemajib Khan, who once, two pleasure peniscope domed Scorepenis-class submarine @ $4 billion each, did decree. The secret of 6-star Michelin rated cordon bleu cooking of Altantuya-beef lies in wrapping cow live and whole in plastic-lined lead sheets, stuffing it with C4 explosives and blast-cooking it in the open air of tropical jungles, preferably at 3 a.m. for best results.

$500,000 per kg Altantuya-class Mongolian beef can only be bought through $540 million ‘not a commission, but facilitation and administrative fee’ Havoxbridge-con PhD Agent Baginda in Oxford. All information can be “reliaby” obtained from PI Bala (no SD) in Chennai and London.

BEEF ZANZIBAR

There was once a Minister from 1M Bolihland,

By the name of Shahrizar,

Who loved the sun, sea and sand,

In the distant islands of Zanzibar.

So, she got got her clueless PhD husband and 3I USA-educated children to together band,

For a $250 million government contract to grow cattle and beef, near and far,

And set off logically across the globe in earnest pursuit of pricey condominiums and land,

From KL to Singapore to the distant islands of Zanzibar.

There was once a Minister from 1M Bolihland with a magic wand,

Whose family roared around in their brand new Mercedes car,

And found much to their astonishment they could not plant cattle or beef seeds in the sand,

In the distant islands of Zanzibar.

What happened to 'O' and 'Y' you ask? Well. everytime you ask our PM and Ministers for any explanations for financial scandals, their beef stock reply is:

"O, Y pick on me? Every BUMNO Minister has skeletons in his cupboard, including Dr.M." So, O and Y are omitted because it's all a waste of time. Just vote them all out.

ABB - Anything But BUMNO.

Donplaypuks® with with sustainable farming, man!