'MASA AIRLINES REVAMP FINAL, FINAL, DEFINITELY LAST TIME ONE' SAYS CHAIRMAN

By Earheart Lindhberg, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for Aviation Affairs

In the wake of Q1 losses of $ 250 million and further forseeable losses of $1 billion, KorpoRat Kepten Moonira Nor Ali Bacha (popularly known as Jag), Non-executive Jedi Chairperson of Mana Ada System Airlines (MASA),speaking from corporate HQ in MU Stadium, Manchester, had this to say to Earheart Lindhberg of donplaypuks®.

EL Well Jag, how’s the going?

MOON Very tough!! Well, you know, when the going gets tough, the tough disap.., er no, get going. So, I got going to Manchester. United are 10 points behind the Blues, but with a game in hand. Ladbrokes is already paying out on the Blues to win the league. Fortunately, I had, with Sir Alex’s advice, hedged my bets, and so will come out ok.

EL Er, Jag, I mean about MASA.

MOON Well, why didn’t you say so for God’s sake, you berk!! Of course, that’s where the whole problem started. We didn’t have Sir Alex on MASA’s Board of Directors. Otherwise, we could have understood how this hedging worked, and squared our exposure to fuel price hikes, the sole and only cause of our huge losses. If anyone says it is due to overstaffing, old fogeys gaji buta on the Board, poor management & marketing etc., I will not hesitate to have them arrested under the OSIBISA (Official Secrets, Intelligence, Banking and Internal Security Act)

EL Surely, your Board should have been aware of the situation much earlier from the monthly Management accounts and reports? Early warning systems?

MOON Although Moh Nomore, ex-MASA MD and his committee had said in 2003 that that revamp was the best ever and final one, we regret to announce that it is not so. We will have to withdraw that entry from the Genius Book of Records. The `Old Guard’ committee forgot to hedge against aviation fuel price rise, which slight oversight has resulted in massive losses. You know that old saying ‘a camel is a horse invented by a committee’.

Anyway, a totally independent internal investigation reveals that for sure no one is to be blamed, and the sudden resignation and departure of MASA’s CEO yesterday has no bearing on the issue. Any politicization of the issue will result in a RM 100 billion law suit by MASA and arrests under the OSIBISA.

EL But, we were told that the previous CEO was a HavOxBridge triple degree graduate who was capable of wonders. What happened there? Anyway, weren’t you part of the ‘Old Guard’?

MOON He is still capable of doing wonders at his new CEO position at a GLC. He has wonderful knowledge of management and airlines business, now. We were thinking of sending him on a Phd course to the Karl Icahn Institute of Aviation in U.S.A. A little too much too late. Anyway, I was non-exec Chairman, the CEO is responsible for losses.

EL So Jag, what’s next?

MOON Firstly a committee under me will manage the corporate affairs for a while. The Board has moved with blinding speed, and successfully appointed Kapit Sawit, from the East, as the new CEO of MASA. Kapit who is reputed to be a turn-around specialist had risen to the highest echelons in MNC, Michelle Petrogas.

He is the nation’s answer and most logical choice to MASA turning in a decent profit. No doubt Kapit has zero knowledge of the aviation industry, but this should not be held against him. I, as non-exec Chairman will assist him forev.., er, no, for a while, till we have turned the corner.

Together with my new Jaguar, er, no, I mean new CEO, we will soar ever upwards and pilot MASA to new heights in profitability, go boldly where no woman has gone before, to infinity and beyond, and further and …..a woman’s reach should grasp a man’s excess, or else what’s a heaven for?

EL What about the rumours that Founding partner, CEO and Chief Baggage Handler of low cost carrier, Certified Helluva Experience Aero Planes (CHEAP) airlines, Antonio Bassanio Fredo Manfredo (popularly as Freddy Laker), has been asked to take over MASA, with him as its Managing Director.

MOON No rumour to the truth at all. It’s not the right time for CHEAP to take over MASA. Besides the Bum…, er no, the people as a whole are genuinely not ready yet for a Kottai Indian to run MASA. Yes, we are all equal, and we strictly adhere to the Premier’s policy of meritocracy. But some are more equal and meritocraceous than others.

We are also planning for the nation to be a regional hub for aviation, given our expertise in loss.., er, no, lots of flying around. So, no room for CHEAP stunts. By the way do you know the difference between a circus artiste juggling 6 balls and Marilyn Monroe? No? The first is a cunning stunt….’

Anyway, I need to go now to the washoom, must be that roti jala I had this morning, doesn’t seem to agree with me at all. You know, my mother always said, ‘Moonira yang, stick to roti chanai and dalcha for breakfast and you won’t go wrong.’ Should have remembered that!!

STOP PRESS

New MASA CEO, Kapit Sawit, who admits his favourite food is, yes, it’s true, roti jala, and who hails from a small village of over-achievers from the East said Monday, `There is no rumour to the truth that I am a Christian, and that pressure had been exerted on all national and regional newspapers to voluntarily blank out this politically insignificant fact. Please do not politicize political issues, even if they are of a political nature – this is the true national way,’ he pleaded.

STOP STOP PRESS

CHEAP airlines CEO Freddy Laker said Monday from Bali that he was happy where he was with CHEAP, and could wait till MASA’s net worth collapsed to $ 1, and pick up the whole company for a song `Fly Me To The Moon For $ 2 ’. Except I need to consult MASA’s previous owners to find out how to buy MASA for 200% financing, and then sell it back for $ 10 per share, when the market price is $ 5, and make a killing. This, believe me, is true genius and entrepreneurialship!!

Freddy also dismissed as the work of luddites, communists and Zionist, complaints published in on-line newspaper, malaysiasoros@.con of frequent delays and cancellations of CHEAP flights. ’Our track record speaks for itself, just ask those thousands lying around on the floor of our airport waiting lounges.’

donplaypuks® with me ma'am!!*****************************************************************************************************************