BANGING ON YOU, VALUED CUSTOMER!

By Mamak Rashid Chua Husnain Nor Ali Bacha , donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for Bank Affairs

Most Valued Customers Bank Berhad Group MD, Allan Bananacake-Havers Greenscam, recently held a ‘top-level Executive Directors only’ meeting to chart a new direction for the banking group. Sources close to the top-management, on conditions of anonymity, reported verbatim the meeting that took place, to donplaypuks®. QUOTE:

Well gentlemen, I am looking at the Group’s performance report for the last quarter, ‘hot off the press’ as it were. To put it bluntly, we have slipped into the negative profits zone, for the second consecutive quarter. This is the first time in three years that this has occurred. Technically, the bank is in recession. This is very alarming news indeed.

Not only that. The results for the last three years, taken as a whole, are very, very disturbing indeed. Two standard deviations about the Bell normal curve, indicate a 95% probability that we are trending towards long-term decelerating growth on a downward accelerating parabola as compared to the previously up-surging y-axis infinity non-converging revenue and profits lines. Regression Analysis confirms a strong correlation between growth in negative profits and oil prices, wages and inflation. Von Neumann-Forbes Nash game theory simulations confirm that beautiful minds alone cannot retrieve the situation.

What would your uptake be on that, Amirshams, as COO & Chief Financial Officer?

‘Kawanku, it’s obvious. Lay-offs, overheads & cost cutting measures, the usual economies, are in order. There is ferocious, tigrish competition out there. So, increase bank and ATM charges for the masses, most valued customers, then get our doctors to spin ‘googlies’ and ‘chinaman’ that ‘this is really in your, and your children’s and children’s children’s, interest, or like that booming bang resc…,er no, restructured with NatPetroGAs money, we may bank left and sink downwards.’

‘Interesting. Let the Nielsen public poll findings come in. What do you think about layoffs, Showmemoreofdamoney Nava?

‘At Human Resources & Buruh, down-sizing is always a first option, in situations such as these. Clear the deadwood and zombies. Voluntary Divorce Schemes (VDS) are very popular these days. Have to take care with the unions around, though.’

Maybe. Any suggestions from you, Hong Bao Piow, Head of Corporate Affairs?

‘Go public with the results and findings, transparency is the best policy. Be completely open with fund managers and analysts.Acquire new banks in HK, to expand to PRC eventually. Increase dividend payout.’

‘Good, I like that. Al-Rashid, for Credit & Risk Management?’

‘Increase bad debts provision and don’t bother trying to collect old debts, just write-off. Clear the deck with one-time charge, for this year, and announce it over a 10-course dinner for ‘leading’ analysts and foreign fund managers, at Shan-gorilla Hotel. They will then be pacified, and happy; then we’ll see about another one-time charge for next year, and the one beyond…. Get fresh cash injection from Khazanah / EPF/SOCSO, the usual whipping boys. Last option –
Danaharta. Harun from Baghdad, Hussein of Jordan, and the Kok Group, may be interested in the 30% stake vacated by friendly parties from the East.’

‘Food for thought there, thought the SC may have some objections vis-à-vis subjudice re on-going court cases. But we can’t lean on canes from Danaharta, not an option for me. Anyway, Azman, what about Merchant Banking?’

‘The Arabs may be interested mah, tengtra tengtra tengtra tengtra treng,thom thom!! Can talk to them over camel burgers and smokes of peppermint-flavoured hookah; perhaps send El Lawrence, our best negotiator in Jeddah and Aqaba, over to sound them out? Also, more ads on Redioconfusion to improve our out-of-date stodgy image. Motivate staff – have more karaoke sessions, sing-a-longs.

‘Worth exploring, I think. Get your man over to Dubai, pronto. Nazir, Mergers & Acquisitions, your thoughts on a white knight if we need one?

‘South South Bank & Credit Cards may be itching. GLC of S’pore is cash rich. Can we forge an Alliance with GLC? What are your immediate thoughts on that Bridgette Teong Hean, as Legal Head?’

‘Have to get central bank appro to make a frontal assault. If the straight approach doesn’t work, then we should make a paradigm shift and take a somewhat curved approach, through a third link. A cynical view, perhaps, but we have to bridge the gap, whatever the scenario. GLC S’pore won’t be a push-over.’

‘But will we get the compensation we desire? Talk to the Jedi Master Planner of The Realm. Anything promising on Car Loans HP & Leasing, Albert?’

‘We can engineer a hostile takeover of EON Credit & Leasing. Captive market. Our in-house wiras and satrias, who are THE car loans experts, can turn it around. Must meditate in the Lotus position for the inspiration to come up with the right strategy.’

‘Who knows.This may be the next engine of growth for us. Work on it. Retail Banking, Current & Deposit Account, Ms Evonne Quek nee Quik Chek?’

‘Introduce service charge for current account balances below $3,000. No statements / books for savings a/c. Reduce counter-staff – only two counters to be opened between 9-12 and 2-4; lunchtime – only 1 counter. Increase ATM machines and chip-based ATM cards - $ 20 each. Out-source cheque & statements printing. This should free up lemmings for the VDS. Standard $15 for all non-standard customer inquiries. Should generate $25 million a year, at least. But need to subject simulation models to rigorous sensitivity analysis. Step up personal Premier banking.’

Well, you’ve really put on the thinking cap. Any suggestions from Credit Cards, Piyush?

‘Yes, we should have a separate office in the City for this. Introduce Loyalty Program, with the world’s first chip-based IAEA Uranium Card, aimed at Corporate High-Flyers, politicians, high-net worth individuals. Platinum cards have lost their lustre with being given free to students in USA. I’ll come up with a full branding proposal if you give me the green light.’

‘Excellent. Steve Gates, what does IT figure?

‘Job’s for the experts. Doesn’t require the Delphic Oracle to compute. No Soft options. We have to look for a total solution from the Micro to the Macro level. Immediately engage world-class WarrenBerksHalfwaythereAndersonnomoreSaps Consulting, to carry out a feasibility study. RAM through internet banking and we should get there in mega bits and bytes, if not in gigabytes. We have strong intel from binary, inside sources at the IRS, that new tax incentives are on the way, for banks to go high-tech and re-organise – new round of mergers and consolidation vis-à-vis WTO 2008 deadline. Success will be a hard drive.Gosh, I’m hungry; time for an apple.’

‘Go go, Steve. Man’s Job, but watch out for GIGO,and KISS.’

‘Well, Insurance can make a quantum leap with prudential policies, despite competition from our great, eastern neighbours. We are endowed with great expertise.There will be tremendous opportunities in life-time warranty underwriting policies. We can also branch into Home Loans, Study Loans and other financial services, go glocal.’

‘On the ball as usual. Thank you Sir Levy Hans Solow Green!

Oh, and SK, what about contributions from Stock-broking?’

‘Well, we are very much dependent on global events and sentiments these days. The KL Casino Exchange is erratic, but the First Board should, in my opinion, without prejudice, cross 1,300 by year end. This is indicated by the intersection of the triple-witching ‘T’ O-1-O front and back cleavage lines extensions with the up-trending 3-day contra-average of the saw-tooth index oscillations and the 36-24-36 Eva Longoria curves, in accordance with the Wave-Elliot Theory predictions. Then it will be boom town Charlie, all the way to 1300! After that, the next line of resistance will contango and joget in the narrow band between 1,300 and 1350, when desperate housewives, fish-mongers and taxi drivers will try to jump in, at which point, trading will be speculative but surge to 1375, re-trace - temporary correction - its way back and be range-bound between 1350 -1375. We should not short-sell the Second Board and Mesdaq.They will mirror the First, with concentration on second-liners and speculative penny stocks. I see some raising of iris’ and eyebrows, here and there?

Of course, we must take cognizance of contrarian views. Blooperburger Agency may have a differing opinion.If by some miracle, our scientific forecasts do not come to pass, then any of, a flip of a 10 sen coin, throw of darts or the
DowGonemoneymancyTofuSifuFengshuiVaastuPenangAngsanaTree Scientifically Most Ever-Rise Index, will be the next best option, for directions, er..I think, er.. without prejudice, E & EO, caveat emptor. My stock-hogwarts-fact sheets are not solicitations to anyone to invest. I am not responsible for any losses whatsoever, that you may incur. Yah.’

Based on that analysis, I wouldn’t go out and place the order for my Ferrari just now.

But there, I think you all understand the seriousness of the problem confronting us. Let’s mull over the points made at the discussions today. Come prepared for detailed discussions, with more options and solutions, 9 a.m. tomorrow. Thank you.

Meeting adjourned.

donplaypuks® with me man!!
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