WHERE'S THE BEEF? HERE, THERE & EVERYWHERE! (PART1)

by bully beef desperate dan, Donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for cowgate, bull and udder affairs

In racing with indecent haste to fulfil its mission statement of achieving sustainable beef farming in the shortest possible time or earlier by 2120, the shareholders and directors of $250 million low interest subsidised government loan financed National Feednotalot Corp (NFC) left no cow pattie unturned in sourcing beef on a global scale. They even faithfully and earnestly explored farming in the air in $10 million condominiums in Bigbangsar in KL, Orchard Road in Singiapour and Astana in Kazakhstan.

The results have been staggering. Never in the history of farming have so many cows mooed so much to so few. NFC has come up with a smorgasbord of beef and mouth-watering beef dishes to promote their unique brand of ‘Sustainable Feednotalot Beef.’

In alphabetical order, they are:- 

BEEF AFGHANISTAN BAMIYAN

Produced in the statuesque hills of Bamiyan in Central Afghanistan, the meat is marinated in tongue-burning Afghan Taliban spies (and sometimes, terrorists) to bring out that special explosive taste to the palate, then, pressure-cooked in the shells of shoulder-fired Rocket Propelled Grenade launchers to flake off the meat from the bones. The meat is then minced by mixing it with Suicide-Bomber Grade C4 explosives and lighting it. The crisp and melts-from-within-your mouth minced meat is best eaten all over the hills with pita bread and goat cheese, in situ, al fresco.

BEEF AUSTRALIA LYNAS

Found extensively in the elemental dunes of Mt.Weld in W.Australia, free range cows here feed exclusively on naturally bountiful Rare Earth grass that make them glow beautifully from within, enabling them to be found in the dark easily. Best consumed raw with Chernobyl radiant beans in the soon-to-be nuclear winters of Gebeng in Kuantan and Bukit Merah in Ipoh. Book your everyday-is-winter holiday with Air Asia, TODAY! Now, everyone can glow, naturally!

BEEF BURMA NE WIN

This is a You Win, I Win, We Win, Everyone Win-Win, Ne Win, Burmese dish cooked in the Japanese AuYang Suki Yaki style, and garnished with Irrawaddy Delta muddy beans. Generals everywhere love this tribal dish fried in earthenware pan with a sprinkling of rusty iron army medals signifying heroic wars and battles fought by generals against their own people, within Burma’s own borders and in the mountains.

BEEF CHINA

Pure Capitalist Beef sold as Pure Red Commie Cow Meat by Mao Ze Dung and Dung Xiaoping. Traditionally served on a bed of lice with Yerrow Rong Beans, the secret recipe for this is to be found in the classic ‘Dung’s Ritter Led Book of Heavenly Piss.’

BEEF DEUTSCHE

Or ‘Beef Chermany’ is excellent bull meat for rump and rib-eye steaks much favoured by benevolent dictators and Maha Firauns, served ‘rare’ with oozing and dripping blood, potatoes in holocaust bootskins and jackboots, and reverse swastika kidney or sword beans. Ideal meat for world war preparations. Heil Hitler mein feuhrer, today Deutsche, tomorrow ze worldt! Ich bin ein Berliner! Der Tag ich here!

BEEF ETHIOPIA

A signature dish of Angelina Pitt, this sparse and stringy beef, bone and cartilage stew, with Somalian narrow beans, was concocted to save the poor children (and whales, dolphins, sharks, tigers, crocodiles, lions, elephants, seals, deer, cod, salmon, polar bears, miss universe….) in fourth world countries. Soon, it will be exported to much expectant Malaysia.

BEEF DE FRANCE GAY PARIS SIGHFOOL

This is a generous, sumptuous, very rear and unique combination of oh, so la di da and ooh, la la sophistiqué Porterhouse Steak, Filet Mignon and Sirloin Steak prepared by world-renown Motorbike Chef, Aunty Pet, from thick Tenderloin and Sirloin rump meat.

Sufficient to feed a football team of 11 plus 4 reserves, a manger and two coaches,  it is a favourite of young men-boys pursuing government scholarships, as they come the other way (through the KY Jelly well-oiled hinged back entrance doors) to meet Prime Ministers at their private residences, seeking their favours. The taste of the uncooked meat is coaxed to burst upon papillae with pungent force if served with 3-days unwashed brown beans and green salad with pink vinaigrette sauce dressing. Starters – thick, steamy brown Cow-Tail Soup (in Bahasa Malaysia - Sup Buntut Lembu) is a must!

BEEF GREECE ODYSSEY

At €130 billion per kg, this truly dreamy Bovril drink with steamrolled Athenian beans, belongs to the virtual world of ‘Avatar’ and ‘Dreamworks’. Previously fat and lard-laden cows raised in over-geared and heavily-in-debt farms, have, in the swish of a tale, been reduced to thin and emaciated ghosts of themselves, as they try to face a grim future with Herculean effort and Stoic resolve, by going on strike.

BEEF HOLLAND

Buy1, Free1 double dutch offer marketed by S&M brand cow breed Queen, Xaviera Hollander, Penthouse consultant and author of 'The Happy Farm Hooker: My Own Story.' Having explored and managed all conventional avenues in free-range calves, cow and dairy farming in New York, Hollander successfully turned her attention late in life to new pastures in dykes- and Dutch Ladies-filled Amsterdam. She quickly developed quick milking and savvy techniques which gave super returns on equity to her wards and investors.

National Feednotalot Corp's MD is away on extended visit-work-cum-study in Amsterdam and other major cities in Holland and hopes to table viable proposals for importing the double dutch cow-get-cow-get broad bean model to his home country, soon, by 2020 or later.

BEEF INDIA

This pas or pariah (as it is locally known in India) or ‘fake beef’ as it is known in the industry, is actually buffalo meat falsely labelled as beef and cooked in special 4-caste iron pot with curry powder, coconut milk, and beans, to form a fiery broth to be eaten with rice. It is widely consumed in the cities that are on the route of the Olympic Torch in India, the trail that constitute the Madras-runs, Bombay-runs and the New Delhi-runs.

BEEF INGDON

Full of beans ‘Maid in Ingdonesia’ beef is imported mainly by Bolihland and the House of Sa’ud. Grossly underpaid for its sterling quality, and often RELAly abused when tenderising meat, it has an honest, but sometimes coarse yet robust, workman’s integrity and odour about it. Has many qualities that may assist many a Malaysias in achieving ‘Maid in Malaysia’ export status by 2020, or earlier, as predicted by Roti Jala, Minister for KSBSI – Key Stud Bull Shit Index.

BEEF JAPAN OR KOBE WAGYU

Calves are force fed on a liquid diet of brandy and champagne, and massaged from young with LandoftherisingRedsuntory Whiskey to produce the tenderest of marbled meats. It is fit only to be prepared at Yen 400,000 a whack Shang kitchens and served, with broad-bottom beans, at the engagement dinners of the daughters of Prime Ministers and their Kazakhstani fiancés, at Suckcesspool Princeville. Who four-footed the bill will surely determine the fate of yet another Animal Farm?

Enterprising Japanese have capitalised on the popularity of Kobe Beef by inventing cow based computer games called Cowkegotchamon and Thamabeefgotchimon. The game consoles are free, but the batteries cost $50 for an AA pair!

BEEF NORTH KOREA

Here, cows, like their human counterparts, wholly embrace Kim Jong-Il’s philosophy of ‘Juche’ or “Self Reliance.’ The cows therefore, milk themselves, feed themselves with mushy red beans, carry pooperscoops to dispose their poops downwind in South Korea and swish their tails in unison so the methane they fart is propelled towards their nuclear plants and ICBM silos for free, sustainable green energy.

However, National Feednotalot Corp abandoned the idea of importing these independemt-minded cows, as the N.Korans would neither grant NFC 30% free equity nor 10% secret commissions to NFC’s MD, in a joint-venture. Neither could the N.Koreans, and this was the real deal-breaker, wrap their heads around NFC’s suggestion of providing cows with motorised carts for the foreseeable future..

“Affirmative action for rich cows? Motorised carts? Forever? Lord of the Meadows recognition?” the perplexed N.Koreans muttered to themselves, as they chased the NFC executives over the border and out of their country.

BEEF LIBYA DAFFY DUCK

This rarest of dishes in the world is cooked naturally with the rarest species of Sahara desert dead duck called, quadaffyduck/gadaffyduck/kadaffyduck/muamar cadaffyduck/mohammed gaddaffiduck or any way CNN and USA MSM like to mispell it. The dead duck is first marinated with special Chinese 5-spies mix and then cooked with the beef in clay ovens buried deep in the sands of the Sahara. The sitting duck is cooked in its own melting fat, and the beef, in duck fat. Cooking duties  are overseen by a special squad of 100 armed vestal virgin Amazonian female bodyguards barracked at night in desert harem tents near the cooking pits and in the grounds of Buckingham Palace in London..

We regret Beef Libya is no longer available. It was suddenly taken off the menus of Tripoli in October 2011, without a quack.

BEEF MALAYSIA OR MALAISE

There is no such beef, but it could be created out of thin air as a sustainable cow and farty beans farming industry on a Local, Regional Hub and Glocal scale with another zero interest 300-month instalment debt card write-off government scheme for Sons of The Soil, on a strict merit only basis, but this time for $2 billion loan, due to inflationary risks and escalating condominium and land prices in Singiapour, Bigbangsar KL, London, New York, Paris, Tokyo, Munich, Geneva and, of course, Kazakhstan. Refer ‘Beef Ingdon’ and Beef Ethiopisa’ above for long-term prospects.

- n-z to be continued -

Donplaypuks® with cows and udders, man!