YOU HAVE NO TWO COWS AND NO BEEF. THE BOLIHLAND RESPONSE?

by brahma BS, Donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for bovine affairs

In the bluff and counter-bluff cosy world of public-private business partnerships in Bolihland, where profits are piratised to fraudtrepreneur cronies, and losses socialised (written off) to the Taxpayers' account, what are the likely reponses from concerned Bolihlanders and organizations to rip-offs like the $250 million Cowgate Financial Fraud? 

Donplaypuks® 1957 Independent Polling & Sampling Centre swung into action to gauge opinions. Here they are:

AIR ASIA

You may not bring your own beef or beef-flavoured maggi instant noodles on board. You have to order it online and pay in advance by credit card. Then, if the flights are NOT re-timed by circumstances always beyond our control, you MAY get your pre-ordered meal. If not, take your beef to our online customer support centre. Sorry, our systems are down. Now, everyone can be herd!

MANA ADA SISTEMS AIRLINES

Ask Air Asia management! Now, everyone can become laughing stock.

BAR COUNCIL

We demand a Royal Commision of Inquiry to look into who:

1. Illegally manipulated the sacking of the chief cowherd 20 years ago, and why.
2. Who illegally fixed the appointment of chief and senior cowherds, and cowed them all.
3. Which chief cowherd went on conflict of interest holidays with which lawyers and who paid for his expenses.
4. Promoted junior cowherds over much senior ones, with what purpose in mind. 

BLOGGER BIG CANINE 
Yes, it's 100% confirmed. I have proof. It's a conspiracy by the Penang government to replace all the herds with Christian cows and supermarket freezers with Vatican beef. Is the Pope Israeli?
BUMNO

You have been voting for it for over 50 years. Why chain policy now, lah? You help me, can? Lu tolong gua, gua tolong lu, yah?

BUNTUTSAN NEWSPAPER

Rise, o’glorious race of magnificent Cows (Bangkit Lembu2)! Your right to being slaughtered like meek lamb and sheep by BUMNO is being openly challenged…..Rise!

CHIEF JUSTICE

Good news! That means the government has lots of money. I (and my wife) can put in a transparent bid for the $2.2 Billion KID YOU NOT 200-YEAR CONCESSION TOLL HIGHWAY CONTRACT, strictly on merit, you understand.

DATO TRIO

Yes, the beef business in south east asia is being monopolised, especially the chinadoll variety. Once, the tender underaged calves were so prolific and tasty, thamby. Now, all the cows are given their shots on location in Thai farms, one every minute, timed with a missing Saudi Omega watch. Oh, those were the Lolita days.

ELECTIONS COUNCIL

No problem. We can re-draw southern Thai, Rohingya, Philippines and Ingdon boundaries, register foreign cows as local and get instant new formula wagyu and kobe beef. Why now? What? We’ve been doing it for over 30 years. You did not notice?

IBRAHIM ALI

Thats mean Bumiputra rights for 67% of no cows or beef must be extended for another 50 years. Waits a minutes. Lets me con-sult Maha Firaun. East Malaysia Bumis? Got such tink, meh? Wgaf anyway? I don't.

MAHA FIRAUN

All the apanama no beef has been cornered by the chinaman cartel. They must now form win-win ali baba partnership with my sons.., er, no, with, the Bumis and be paradigm shafted. East Malaysia Bumis? Got such tink, meh? Wgaf anyway? I don't.

JALAN ALOR SETAR WCW TOILET NEWSPAPER

Vote wisely for another 50 years of no beef. You cannot miss what you never had. It will be like deja moo, all over again. Is that not wonderful?

KERISMUDIN, MINISTER FOR HOME COWS AND BEEF AFFAIRS

The Police and Malaysian Association for Cows and C.Arse have not investigated because there is no proof of civil or criminal culpability, or involvement of opposition cowherds or herds. Bring me proof. Then we will initiate investigations (by 2020). Ask the IGP, Police and MACC.

IGP & POLICE

We have not investigated because there is no proof of civil or criminal culpability, or involvement of opposition cowherds or herds. Bring us proof. Then we will initiate investigations (by 2020). Ask MACC.

MALAYSIAN ASSOCIATION FOR COWS AND C.ARSE (MACC)

We are not interested unless it’s $2,200 or less. We have not investigated because there is no proof of civil or criminal culpability, or involvement of opposition cowherds or herds. Bring us proof. Then we will initiate investigations (by 2020). Ask the Police.  

ATTORNEY GENERAL

No Further Action (NFA). Ask Kerismudin, IGP, Police and MACC.

LYNAS CORP

It’s not true the Australia government will not allow your cows and beef (if you had it) to be exported there. It’s just that the Australian government will not allow anyone in Australia to import it. There is no rumour to the truth that your cows and beef glow in the dark and have a half-life of 14 billion years.

MALAYSIAN CHINA ALLY CHIEF

Okay, I admit I did it. It was me in the video condemned by the animal rights groups. But the cows entrapped me. It was a set up. Integrity? Is not the Pope Chinese?

MALAYSIAN INDIAN CIRCUS

We not yeating beef yeniway. Please be trying parpukari burger, steaks and thosai - very cholestrol filling, hot and tasting, but producing lots of fiery methane gas, isn’t it!

MALAYAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION PRESIDENT

First the good news. That means we don’t have Mad Cow Disease. Second, I am glad to announce that I am a Siamese cat.
NALLA
I witnessed the bulls performing stud services while playing tennis in a wig. I can prove it 100% by hearsay, so sue me for defamation. You ask me how long cows were milked? Well, I suppose, the same way short ones were? See, you have to super smart like senators.

NAZI

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I am not responsible for what my son did.

NATIONAL FEEDNOTALOT CORP (NFC – in receivership now)

That’s why we bought all those $10 million condos and land in Bangsar, Successpool Princesville, Singiapour and Cowzakhstan. For $250 million, we'll farm and fence anything off!

NEW STATE PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY & THIGHMES NEWSPAPER

The Prime Minister said today we have no two cows and no beef. So, it must be 69% true. Vote for him and BUMNO or he will cancel our licence.....
PAS

We should all vote for cows to be brought in from Arabia. Their latest promotion offer is simply brilliant and irresistible - Buy 1 Arabian Cow, Free1 Chocolate Milk Sheikh!
R.HAVOXBRIDGECON BAGINDA
There could be 540 million reasons why the cows and beef have disappeared. I am innocent. I don't know who is responsible or why she did it.

RPK

I was reliably informed (no SD) by PI Bala that C4 explosives were not used to blow up the cows and beef to Mongolia, and then their migration records, erased. Rosemajib did it. No, did not. 90% sure Anwar did it. Maybe not.

SHEHERADZE, MINISTER FOR COWGATE AFFAIRS
Que? Que? I know nothing about the missing cows or beef. My husband tells me nothing. He did not tell me about the Mercedes cars, although they are parked in the driveway of our house. He did not tell me about the $10 million condos  in Bangsar, Singiapour and Cowzakhstan although I stayed in them. He did not tell me........

Kak rAPidah 
So, 80% of the Approved Permits (AP) for imports were awarded by me wholly on selective merit basis to 4 crony and/or nepotistic unemployed and unemployable high school dropouts. What's wrong with that? If I am guilty of corruption, then so is PM Maha Firaun and every BUMNO Minister and MP and Adun and........it's our accepted culture...

ROSEMAJIB 
No, it is a completion fabrication. I did not buy all the cows and beef for $80 million, although I have in a Savings Account with Maybe Bank of Tel Aviv, several billion dollars which I have been putting away since I was five.
SOCIALIST PARTY
We had 2 cows. Now we have none. The police confiscated them, saying we were intending to create havoc, cause riots and wage war with the King to resurrect Communism, armed with subversive pamphlets and lethal yellow t-shirts. Our chief cowherd, Dr. Michael Jeyakumar and his supporters, the EO6, will be suing the police for false arrest and illegal detention.
UMMI
My brothers are lying. It's true all the cows were virgins. I can personally vouch for it. Why, when I petted some of them, they even yapped, barked and wagged their tails!
WEE CK
I have tabled 200 questions at the United Nations General Assembly about  this conspiracy by Air Asia to illegally take over Mana Ada Sistems Airlines (MASA). This is what you get when you cross a profitable low cost carrier with a mega loss-making five-star service premier airline - a diving whoosh where now, everybody can lose money, big time. 
ZAHRAIN
Traitors! They would not award this $250 million (100% taxpayer guaranteed) sustainable cows farming and beef selling contract to my $2 company. Yes, I admit I have no cattle farming or any farming experience. But so what? Did Bill know anything electric fencing and autogates or Jobs about employment agencies when they started out, Buffet about food, Zuckerberger about hot dogs, french fries and burgers or Carlos Slim about dieting? 

Donplaypuks® with $250 million and billion dollar contracts, Prime Minister. We won't let them go, even after you lose GE 13!